Elder Millennial Books Colonoscopy Upon Seeing Nick Punto

Troy Milbank was watching the San Diego Padres close out the Chicago Cubs on Wednesday night when he noticed something on the home team’s bench. 

Or rather, someone.

“Holy [EXPLETIVE], that’s Nick Punto,” exclaimed the 46-year-old father of three in his Roseville living room, startling Bosco, the family dog. “LNP is coaching for the Padres!”

His excitement soon turned to bewilderment when the camera gave him a closer look. 

“They did a tight shot of Little Nicky Punto and he’s got a full beard with a ton of gray hair,” said Milbank, who works as an engineer for 3M. “I swear it was just yesterday that he was one of the Piranhas. And then I remembered that both my parents are dead and 2006 was twenty years ago.”

After processing the cruel, inevitable passage of time for a moment, Milbank did the only thing he could think to do: He went online and scheduled a colonoscopy.

“I’m in good health overall, even if my cholesterol is a bit high,” said Milbank. “But my doctor said they’re lowering the advised age to get your colon checked to 45. I know the prep kinda sucks and I was dragging my feet a bit. Nick Punto looking like one of my dad’s buddies from the Navy got me right with God in a hurry. I’ll [EXPLETIVE] my brains out for a day if that means I can see my grandkids grow up.”

The former Twin’s advanced age wasn’t Milbank’s only surprise.

“My wife Ashleigh looked up from her book when I shouted. She saw him, whistled, and called him a ‘zaddy.’ I don’t know how to react to that. My bride of 21 years has erotic thoughts about old-ass Nick Punto. It’s been a surreal 24 hours.”

Image license here.

Do you approve of the job the Twins front office is doing?

Do you approve of the job the Twins front office is doing?

• Do you approve of the job the Twins front office is doing? Required
  

  
• Save

See All Twins Polls >