‘Horrified’ Twins Fan Enjoys Current White Sox Team

As he watched the no-longer-hapless Chicago White Sox surge to a 2-0 lead in the ALDS at the Roseville Buffalo Wild Wings earlier this week, lifelong Minnesota Twins fan Mike Martinez came to a startling conclusion: He enjoyed watching them. 

“I was [redacted] horrified, man. I clapped when they got a key base hit or strikeout. I shouted ‘Hell yeah’ when (Munetaka) Murakami got a hold of one and high-fived the woman sitting next to me. I hate this. I hate myself.”

Martinez says he grew up hating the White Sox even more than the Yankees. 

“Their teams were full of jerks and their fanbase was a collection of vampires and pederasts,” said the 42-year-old IT professional. “I didn’t even like Jim Thome when he was on the White Sox, and everyone likes Jim Thome. Now look at me—cheering for these perverts and horse criminals.”

Martinez says everything in his life is fine. He has a good relationship with his parents. He has a steady job, and his spouse just got a promotion at work. Their only child is a straight-A student. Nothing in his life was pointing to this downward turn.

“They say you never know what kind of journey someone else is on or what they’re going through,” said Martinez. “I’ve always been skeptical of therapy, but clearly I have some unresolved issues somewhere. I should talk to someone.”

If there’s any reason for optimism, Martinez thinks Chicago’s opponent might be a slim reed of hope to grasp onto.

“The best case scenario I can think of is that my loathing of the insufferable Cleveland Guardians is causing this aberration. They have an unserious payroll, and they trot out a bunch of anonymous pitchers and win 90 games every year. I hate them very much and want them to lose all their money to internet scams or crooked preachers. But still, I was grinning from ear to ear when the godless and unwanted Chicago White Sox won a playoff game. I don’t expect others to forgive me. I don’t know if I can forgive myself.”

Image license here.

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