PeanutsFromHeaven

A year ago I offered an alternative statistic for measuring player worth--not in wins/losses, but in the far more useful field of entertaining the fan base: Amusement Above Replacement Player (AARP) for short. The statistic is measured in five key categories on a scale of -2 to +2, Play: Nickname: Physical Traits: Personality/Demeanor: Oddities: When added up, these statistics gives us a total AARP somewhere between -10 and +10. Last year, even by the totally made up AARP statistic, the Twins Pitchers were an abysmal crew to watch, the four most notable starters (Vance Worley, Liam Hendricks, Kevin Correia and Samuel Deduno) registered a total 3.9, and none of them will factor for the Twins going forward. While the relievers were more consistently positive, there was some upheaveal there too. So how did the Twins pitchers fare this year? Well, on the field, still not great, but AARP doesn't just measure on the field performance it measures off the field personality and general likeab-ility/fan value, and in that category there are both some sizable gains and some serious problems going into next year. Pitcher AARP (by Innings pitched) http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-C83eo0aqaoY/UUZ-vejCmRI/AAAAAAAACHI/7Kte_ti1EqQ/s1600/DiscoDuensing.jpg Still trying to popularize You Make Me Feel Like "Duensing" Brian Duensing--I have a soft spot for Dozier (what with the similar majors in college and the appreciation for the near impossible job he had starting an elimination playoff game). But the days of the "Duenslinger" shirts at Target Field are pretty far gone, and his peripheral numbers dropped significantly. AARP: 0.5 (Down -0.1 from last year, play didn't help, off field work did) Glen Perkins--Perk remains the jolt of life in the Twins bullpen, the local guy who engages with friends and foes alike. While an injury down the stretch cost him the end of the season (and the team a couple of games) he did have possibly the best moment of the year when he and Kurt Suzuki closed out the All-Star Game AARP: 3.6 (Up +1.2 with gains in every category--even nicknames are easier to go with now) Casey Fien--Increasingly the Twins most reliable set-up man, which is a double-edged sword. Nice, appreciated but by no means interesting. If he grew a Snidely Wiplash mustache my nickname of "Dastardly Fien" would be easier to make popular. AARP: 0.6 Jared Burton--There was once a time when Jared Burton and Glen Perkins were dueling for the hearts and minds of Twins fans in the race to remove Matt Capps. Now he's just kind of there... AARP: -0.2 Anthony Swarzak--We'll always love the "Swarzak" Duck quack, especially as he returns to the spot starter role that suits him so well. And while FIP suggests he's better than his ERA, his soft tossing no strike out mentality continues to remind fans of the things they never liked in Twins pitching gone by. AARP: 1.1 (Up +0.5 for both the play and greater appreciation of the "Swarzak!" Quack) http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qEu1L9GI8LY/UzlzKeTKLcI/AAAAAAAACTY/vaYtFJ2O1w0/s1600/tumblr_n293ufpNKY1t1lw1qo1_400.jpg The Old Nolasco Propaganda Ricky Nolasco--at the start of the season I saw Ricky Nolasco's twitter feed as a sign that he was going to be an energizing force for the team. Instead he turned into both exciting and confusing, less exclamation mark than Interrobang (‽). Though on the plus side, that's his new nickname as far as I'm concerned. AARP: 1.2 Kyle Gibson--Yes, Kyle Gibson has the second most innings pitched in Twins territory this year. And while he was certainly serviceable, he was by no means the most amazing thing on the mound. And while tolerable is a step up for Twins pitchers, it's a long way from exciting. AARP: 0.7 Phil Hughes--Ahh Phil Hughes, for every amazing, dumbfounding, refusing to walk a batter performance that Phil Hughes had this year, he also had a "meh" post game quotation to go with it. And while we love any body who can set a pitching record in a Twins uniform (or at least a good record), we'd love a little more personality (we cannot confirm claims he mocked Brian Duensing on Twitter, but can confirm that he has a good enough personality to wear a silly mustache and honestly admit his own failings). AARP: 2.6 By the lofty standards of AARP you need something above a 5.0 to be a nationally relevant player, and no Twins pitcher is anywhere close to that. BUT, Glen Perkins and Phil Hughes make for a solid combination every fifth day, and if Ricky Nolasco does in fact start using the Interrobang on a daily basis we may be in business. Tomorrow I'll post thoughts on the hitters, but in the mean time: Wonder how the AARP stat got started? Want to give your own AARP numbers or question my methods? ...leave a note in comments, or just yell at your computer screen really loudly...I can totally hear it.

I really appreciate this nuanced and complete view of the organizational meetings, which helps clarify what some (by which I mean, I) assume the Twins do at said meetings. It's more than just hire a guy and get more good players on board, all the interlocking pieces have to be matched and connected before we really understand what the team is in for this next year. Thanks for writing it

Sorry if the original draft sounded sexist or condescending. I'm not a real fan of how FSN introduces "the Girls" as just features of the broadcast, but the girls themselves are fine broadcast professionals. My idea was to emphasize a role for girls on the field, rather than just on the broadcast. Still, apologies for any condescending or diminishing tone, it's always inappropriate.

Here's the truth. Both of us peanuts love Ron Gardenhire. We know that we're in the minority there...especially after the last four years...but c'mon, he looks like a little garden gnome. He's ADORABLE! Seriously though, thank you for the support you provided and the lack of lawsuits you threw our way Gardy. You're a cool dude. But now our attention turns to the real focus of the hour. Who will replace Gardy on the top of the Twins dugout step? http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v289/pammyb20/jeUmEPao.jpg Maybe without the glove... Right now the fan base seems split into two camps: 1--Someone in house who can carry on the "Twins Way" and maintain the loyal, disciplined, do the little things right mentality that helped Kelly and Gardenhire lead the Twins to seven more postseasons than they ever had before. (More postseason berths helped that too.) 2--Someone from outside the organization who can provide a fresh perspective, a new way of doing things and maybe, just maybe, EVEN MORE POST SEASON WINS!! But why not split the difference and choose someone who has been loyal and integrated in the Twins for the last fifty-or-so years, AND is not yet part of the organization? Someone who knows "The Twins Way" AND can approach problems in a way that no manager has ever done before? That's why my pick to be the next Twins manager is...MY MOM!! Yes, I think my mother should be the next Twins manager and before you scoff, allow me to deliver the following points in her favor. http://www.foxsports.com/content/dam/fsdigital/fscom/other/Images/2013/12/27/122713-FOX-SPORTS-North-Girls-HF-PI-2.jpg I'm sorry, I'm sure you're nice people But what what if there was a girl...RUNNING things Hiring her would give young female fans something to aspire and relate to OTHER than being a Fox Sports North Girl. [Nothing wrong with the girls, but rather than having the broadcast focus on appearances and introductions, focusing on a woman's strategy, intelligence and involvement with the on-field action] She's a life-long Twins fan, a former member of the knot-hole gang in Bloomington, homer-hanky waver from Montana, and loyal knitter/shouter from her current home in Minneapolis. She has over three decades of experience tending to unruly boys who don't know what's best for them She's an excellent cook (so the Pohlad's can save on wasteful post game spreads in lieu of post game potlucks!) She has better nicknames for players than most managers do, and can lead rally-chants like "Mientkiewicz, Mientkiewicz, Make me a Sandwich!"...which will be particularly useful if Douggie M. is her Bench coach. She is wise enough to tell players after critical errors: "Don't do that!" in the kind of stern, but loving tone that players will definitely respond to. (Honestly, I'm sure Oswaldo Arcia can cut down on his strike outs just by hearing her reprimand him like a mom) She speaks French which is kind of like Spanish... She knows enough social media to engage with fans, but not so much that she would get distracted (unlike Ozzie Guillen) She's a state championship knitter, which would be killer at charity auctions and events ("Bid on this award winning sweater from the Twins manager") She's an excellent Mezzo-Soprano, so our national anthems will forever be on pitch! She's working to understand SABR-metric statistics, but still appreciates a good RBI. I know that many will prefer to debate the merits of Manny Acta versus Terry Steinbach, and others will say that managers don't make much difference anyway...but I don't care. I'm fully on board with this. MY MOM FOR TWINS MANAGER!!

You would be forgiven for assuming that this last week's worth of games did not matter. That things were irrelevant, unneccessary and wholly ornamental (well...for everyone but the Tigers). But the truth is that these games have proven that we have good news in town again, a champion, a victor, a bonafide winner! And that winner...is me. Yay for me! Yes, all you loyal readers out there (which blogger seems to think is in the 1,000 range and I know is much closer to the 1.000 range), I have won something, because the Twins (in turn) won something! With their victory last night over the Detroit Tigers I have triumphed over both my wife (and fellow blogger) and my father-in-law to accurately predict that the Twins would win about 70-71 games this year http://a.espncdn.com/media/motion/2014/0927/dm_140927_mlb_twins_tigers/dm_140927_mlb_twins_tigers.jpg YAY! Someone we've never met has won a prize for doing nothing more than making a slightly more accurate guess than other people! YAAY, MR. PEANUT!! Are we contenders again? No. Are we bound for the world series again? No. But are we happy? Well...I am...and since this America, nothing else really matters, now does it? Clearly, the Twins did this to thank me for my years of selfless blogging on their behalf. My positive attitude and enthusiasm (even during the Blackbrun/Nishioka days). Still, it was a team effort, with a host of victories being tallied courtesy of a surprisingly strong Eduardo Escobar (justifying the love I gave him back when he used Grease as his walk up music), an unusually potent second baseman, a bullpen that didn't struggle until recently, and Phil Hughes' New Years resolution to give up walking people. However, clearly the most important person was me, which is why I've been saying that "I" won, rather than "we" won. Although, to be true to myself, it seems only right that I offer the Twins a sip of my scotch. So come on over, Ricky Nolasco! Come on over, Oswaldo Arcia! Come on over, Kyle Gibson and Anthony Swarzak, Ryan Pressley and Brian Duensing, Kurt Suzuki and Trevor Plouffe, Danny Santana, and Kennys Vargas (assuming you're actually old enough to drink), you can even come on over, Joe Mauer: The Drinks are on Me! (Or more accurately, my wife and father-in-law who graciously don't see this as bragging!) And now the only question is--Balvenie Portwood, or Laphroig 25? http://spiritedgifts.com/media/catalog/product/cache/1/image/9df78eab33525d08d6e5fb8d27136e95/4/0/4057d.jpghttp://www.sgwhisky.com/blog/images/stories/blog-images/Singapore-Whisky-Balvenie-21.JPG Tell you what Twins, if you turn up (and are willing to pay) we can have both! After all, we (by which I mean I) earned it.

Chs. 4-5: July and August The fledgling, flickering hope alive in the hearts of the Twins and their fans at the end of June was doused with the frigid realization of inadequacy. The pivotal moment established by the previous chapters' foreshadowing was for the "All-Star Game" to be held in the middle of July. http://www2.pictures.zimbio.com/gi/Kurt+Suzuki+85th+MLB+Star+Game+m2g5VjqmdOnl.jpg Yay! The Party's Over!! In hosting the party, the Twins had their moment to seize relevance and prominence, to rise up to a stature and status which has so frequently seemed out of their reach. When they threw the doors open to their guests they were confronted with the truth that they cannot hope to compete with the shining stars of the baseball firmament. Like Tom Buchanan in The Great Gatsby or the Narrator in Proust's In Search of Lost Time the Twins are party-goers without an ounce of composure or self-reliance. Hidden away in a corner of their stadium until the final moments, they emerge just in time to see the celebration end. Yet when everyone leaves, the team collapses into a disheartened funk. Pulling themselves out of the doldrums to win just 3 of the next 10 games, leaving their fans disappointed and the team itself broken. But, in a cruel twist of fate, the team is not allowed to creep back into anonymity, awaiting another spring and fresh start. Instead they are subjected to an extended August road trip, through the repeated self-flagellation of sporadic hitting and consistently implosive pitching. Moments of triumph (including an outburst of 32 runs against a vaunted Tigers team) are tempered by the now blatantly inverted hierarchy of the team's past glory, as former fools and patsies the Kansas City Royals repeatedly batter the squad. Character Development Kendrys Morales/Sam Fuld/Kevin Correia/Josh Willingham--These chapters are often paired together because they feature the departures of four previously significant characters. Each of these characters was fraught with contradictions that are both enticing to some readers and maddening to others (witness the previously mentioned Morales and his dualism: i.e. symbol of contender status/presence on a losing team). Tellingly, when each character exits the team clubhouse these moments aren't regarded with celebration, despair, or even much surprise. Instead they appear to be the annual sacrifices to whatever deity drives Twins' Baseball operations: a constant memento mori for their teammates and a simple transaction to their fans. http://cache1.asset-cache.net/gc/453420426-kennys-vargas-and-danny-santana-of-the-gettyimages.jpg?v=1&c=IWSAsset&k=2&d=GkZZ8bf5zL1ZiijUmxa7Qbr3ZJ4V4kmpG%2Bmu7qkubMtcEetrC9464mFqVoA11h8k Bam-Bam & Dan-San Kennys Vargas/Danny Santana--While all the fixation on veterans around the trade deadline, and in the departure gates of the Minnesota airports serves to bring a glowering gloom over everyone, two of the most prominent replacements offer hope and opportunity. Kennys Vargas and Danny Santana (substituting in for Kendrys Morales/Sam Fuld respectively) also feature prominently in this volume's awareness of cultural differences, shifting the clubhouse away from non-descript veteran white guys to young latino players, a mirroring of the nation's demographics as a whole. Trevor May--While Vargas and Santana emerge as options within the line-up, May is an intriguing study in the cyclical nature of expectations and reactions. Prior to the expulsion of Correia, a great many fans were clamoring for May's ascendency to the major league roster. Upon his arrival, May sputters, gags, and behaves precisely as you would expect an uncertain young man to behave. In his (admittedly small) sample of performance, he appears to be every bit the mockable man that the aforementioned Correia was, providing the clearest link between this team and the second section of TS Eliot's "Portrait of a Lady"--from which the title came. Kurt Suzuki--The other figure with the clearest gain from these two months is new catcher Kurt Suzuki. One of the two Twins to attend the aforementioned awkward all-star party, Suzuki parlayed his early success to fondness from fans and a long term contract. However, these moments of growth and personal victory are balanced by the knowledge that many other longer-term Twins signing (including the recently departed Willingham) have collapsed. Key Quotes/Stats Explained Cumulative WAR for Morales/Fuld/Correia/Willingham-- 1.1 Cumulative WAR for Vargas/Santana/May/Schafer-- 2.7 WAR (or Wins Above Replacement) is often the go to quote/stat for fans to trot out, yet the creation of the number is a rather complicated and differ depending on which equation (or translation of the equation you cite). Generally speaking, things that positions players do to create runs (including drawing walks, getting various kinds of hits, and stealing bases) are multiplied by their relative weight or importance (home runs matter more than singles, etc.) and adjusted in relationship to their position on the field (with center fielders/short stops getting greater credit than first basemen and DHs). Those positive numbers are compared to the average player in the league to create a viable means of judging one player against another. [Meanwhile pitchers are judged almost entirely on preventing runs, largely through runs allowed during their innings pitched]. While the best players might have a +8 WAR, the average starter would be around 2, while the average bench player would be between 0 and 1.9 Within these chapters the Twins removed four players from consistent play and gave their time to four others. The four who left totaled 1.1 (though Kendrys Morales' -0.7 pulled that down significantly), while the four who stepped up totaled 2.7 (again undermined by Trevor May's -0.9). The broad take away is that, even though it does not translate into immediate results in the "win column", this shift is for the best for the Twins and their team. However, the net gain amongst hitters (+2.5) fails to compensate for the net loss from Correia to May (-0.7). Literary Term to Impress your Teacher/Attractive English Major Friend: http://cmclaughlin658.files.wordpress.com/2013/04/url1.jpeg Mmm...that's a good pastiche Our recent literary and cultural history has leaned heavily on satire and parody. The Daily Show uses satire to deliver a pointed critique on common styles of tv news programs. The "Scary Movie" franchise uses parody to expand on cliches and tropes in horror movies to the point of making them explode in absurdity. But the Twins' use neither of these, preferring instead to use pastiche, which again uses styles and habits of others, but does so for the purpose of honoring and complimenting the initial creator, rather than mocking them. Like TS Eliot--whose "Portrait of a Lady" poem builds off of Henry James, Christopher Marlowe and Jules Lafourge--these chapters of the Twins' 2014 season pay homage to the wealth of talented athletes who played on the field during the all-star game, and the restarted franchises who regained their talent through creative destruction.

Most of the wise and trusted Twins blogs have noted that while the team's current offense, to put it politely, sucks harder than a Super Powered Hoover. Yet, they say, help is on the way from the prospect ranks--even if many of them are currently injured. http://cdn1.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_image/image/36315418/452114082.0_standard_352.0.jpg That's a big but... However, all that hope for the future comes with a caveat as big as Kenny Vargas' backside. To wit: most of the good hitters are not terribly athletic and have serious questions about their defense. Sure we may have boppers, but what do you do with a team that has nine potential designated hitters? The obvious answer is just to designate a bunch more positions and let a whole raft of back up people hit. Creating a roster (around 2016 that looks like this) C-Kurt Suzuki 1B--Joe Mauer 2B--Brian Dozier SS--Danny Santana 3B--Miguel Sano LF--Eddie Rosario CF--Byron Buxton RF--Aaron Hicks Pitcher--Anything with an arm...heck a slot machine will do. Designated Hitter--Kenny Vargas Designated Hitting Catcher--Josmil Pinto Designated Hitting Left Fielder--Trevor Plouffe Designated Hitting Right Fielder--Oswaldo Arcia Now, critics will point out that this is...you know..."breaking the rules of the game" BUT! Perhaps there's another way. After all, you don't really need a good outfield if your pitchers induce strike outs and ground balls. So, and prepare to suspend your disbelief fans, what if, in a crazy mixed up world of my own imagination, where up is down, left is right and the Twins hire a manager who decides to use platoons (I told you it would need a major suspension of disbelief), you try to use these players strategically? Consider the 7 claimants to the "DH" role right now as well as the two most athletic "outfield prospects" who aren't totally at sea with a bat: Joe Mauer, Kenny Vargas, Josmil Pinto, Oswaldo Arcia, Trevor Plouffe, Chris Parmelee, Miguel Sano, Eddie Rosario, Aaron Hicks. http://media.zenfs.com/en_US/Sports/AP_MLB/201302191444530758115-p2.jpg Where do you think you're going? If you assume that we can count on two years of Suzuki at Catcher (which apparently is also expected to be a Josmil Pinto free zone), Dozier at Second, Santana at short and stop gaps replaced by Bionic Byron Buxton in Center, then we have five spots left to play with (in order of least defensive danger): DH, First Base, Left Field, Right Field and Third Base Here's how those 9 players rank in terms of OPS in their Major League Careers or the last season of the minors (biased I know...but hey, if you expect quality analysis from me, you clearly didn't read my "Joe-Mauer-could-play-better-if-he-became-an-amateur-stand-up-comedian" post) OPS Versus Righties Sano (.975) Mauer (.922) Vargas (.844) Pinto (.813) Arcia (.799) Rosario (.705) Parmelee (.704) Plouffe (.674) Hicks (.543--though .746 all year at three levels) OPS Versus Lefties Sano (1.027) Pinto (.892) Vargas (.828) Plouffe (.807) Mauer (.748) Hicks (.746 majors....854 all year at three levels) Parmelee (.710) Rosario (.630) Arcia (.620) So, like I said, that's not perfect, indeed it's a big fat set of assumptions...i.e. that hitting lefties in Triple A or Double A is equivalent to major leagues (Josmil Pinto's gap from the AAA Lefties to Big leaguers is a whopping 206 points to the worse at .686...though that still puts him ahead of Arcia) Still, I think that if we assume A) he doesn't come back as a shell of his former self and he can still throw the ball, that Miguel Sano is going to be a full timer no matter what. Preferably at third base the hardest of our five positions defensively and the one he would play better than everyone else on the list That leaves 8 guys for four spots, and here's where my idea comes into effect what if we had not one platoon, not two platoons, BUT FOUR PLATOONS!!! The platoons would be based on both the opposing pitcher, and whether or not we have a fly ball pitcher going ourselves. http://extras.mnginteractive.com/live/media/site569/2013/0903/20130903__1-joe%20mauer%20dugout%20sad_200.jpg Take a break Joe...literally whenever you want. Here's how I could see it Versus Lefties with a Fly Ball Twins Pitcher DH-Pinto 1B-Vargas LF-Mauer (or Plouffe if Mauer needs a rest day) RF-Hicks Versus Lefties with a Ground Ball Twins Pitcher DH-Pinto/Vargas (whoever's hotter) 1B-Mauer (or Vargas if Mauer needs a rest) LF-Plouffe RF-Hicks Versus Righties with a Fly Ball Twins Pitcher DH-Pinto 1B-Mauer (or Vargas if Mauer needs a rest) LF-Arcia RF-Rosario Versus Righties with a Ground Ball Twins Pitcher DH-Pinto 1B-Vargas LF-Mauer RF-Arcia A couple of pros to this approach. 1--It clarifies value to the team pretty quickly: Parmelee doesn't care any of these sets of four so if someone is willing to give you a prospect with a pulse take it. Rosario only cracks one line up, and theoretically you should be able to find a solid defensive outfielder who can handle right handed pitching at a steady clip, so see if he has any value too. 2--It allows you to start thinking about defensive liberty. Vargas has some background at first, but I would bet that Josmil Pinto could figure things out there as well as Matthew Lecroy did and be a third catcher, and Mauer's still a bit of an athlete (we hope). If Mauer could do a little time in Left, all of a sudden, Trevor Plouffe is expendable. 3--You have a more structured schedule to keep Mauer healthy. Less time against lefties will be better, especially as Joe gets older. And, if/when bullpens are used and right handed relievers come in...who's that sitting on the bench with a bat in his hands? What's that...a former MVP and batting champion? How about that! And, just to show I can acknowledge my own failings, I'll admit a few weaknesses too... http://extras.mnginteractive.com/live/media/site569/2013/0513/20130513__130514%20Hicks%20catch_300.jpg 1--My data set is totally messed up: no debating that, but I think it's reasonable to say that after years of hearing that "help is on the way" from the minors and looking at prospect rankings, this is a reasonable assessment of potential at the majors 2--I assume that everyone will reach their potential: yup, I do. They won't, but I teach public school, I have to think about potential more than existing skill or I'd go nuts. 3--Mauer in Left? I mean....Mauer in Left??? Again, point taken, there's every chance that the Twins/Mauer would never consider such a deal with the risk of a wall, or another outfielder, or a beer bottle at risk of hitting his head and ending his career. However, I would say that Mauer is still a fine athlete, even with the wear and tear, and that historically left field is perhaps the least exposed position on the diamond...maybe Josmil Pinto could figure it out, maybe Adam Brett Walker will develop so fast that we have a whole other problem, but for now that makes the most sense to me.

Since returning from the disabled list, Joe Mauer has been quietly reassembling himself, like a hitting terminator emerging from the blazing hell fires of suckitude, back into the consistent--if robotic--man we all know and respect. http://www.jamescamerononline.com/terminator221301.png Mauer mid-rehab stint While the hitting was something we all thought could return, we're glad to see that Mauer's defense has also been less terrible than in the past. We like to imagine that the reason for this is that Mauer has finally taken our advice and begun using his prime position at first base to develop his chops in a second career: stand-up comedian. His time on the Disabled List was clearly beneficial to crafting a solid two minute set, and we at Peanuts from Heaven are proud to imagine the totally fake, and utterly made-up Joe Mauer comedy set, so everyone, please welcome to the Target Field first base bag....Joe Mother-Loving Mauer! Mauer: Hello, it's a real pleasure to be here tonight. You seem like a, uhhhhhhhhh, very nice, you know, group of people. I'm going to say some things that I find comical, and I, uhhhh, hope you like them. Okay. Start out with a classic here... Knock-knock.... .... knock-knock... .... It'll be faster if I do both parts, so, uhhh, who's there? ...Joe Mauer... ....Joe Mauer who?... ...My name's Joe Mauer and, ummmmmm...I'll be your first base comedian tonight... ..... .... okay... ... Have you ever noticed how much fun it is to play baseball? ..... I have. .... Do you know what I like about playing first base? ... When guys in the clubhouse talk about girls, I can say that I've just been to first base with a lot of people.... ...and it's not a lie... ...because lying would be wrong.... .... That's uh....that's...that's pretty great, you know. ... Thank you. ... So I, uhh, I had some milk before the game today. ... Do you like milk? ... You should try some, it's really great. and uhh...helps you build strong bones. ...yeah... ... I was uhhh, on the disabled list recently you know? And the thing about the disabled list is that it's sort of like being on the naughty list with Santa. Except instead of a lump of coal, you get a massive radiating pain in part of your body and a tidal wave of insults from fans who think you're an overpaid cry baby. ... Okay, that's my time...Your next comedian is Brian "You might be middle-infielder" Dozier.

Download attachment: Wrigley_Field_Roof.jpg "I know you love the Twins brother, it's just..." -- My little brother, January 2013. For her birthday, I took Stinky, aka Mrs. Peanut, aka the co-founder of this blog, aka my wife, to Chicago to see her sister and a whole pile of friends. We had a great time, trying great restaurants, escaping "bro-bars" and celebrating the fact that she has continued to cheat death for another year. My wife's sister lives about a mile down the road from Wrigley Field, and even an American League man like myself snuck peeks down the side streets to admire the classic stone facade, the old flags flapping in the chilly February breeze and dream of the day (soon) when baseball would be back. [PRBREAK][/PRBREAK] The neighborhood had a whole lot of Cubbie paraphernalia, not to mention bars, souvenir shops, bars, bookstores brimming with Cub memoirs, and bars to cater to the wide flung crowds of fans who--though currently hibernating--love to come out in the summer. And while I looked down the way to dream of spring, all those souls bundled up in their puffy blue and red coats seemed resigned to both the cold and the looming presence of another year and another pack of losses. ~~~ "I don't know, I feel like all my favorites are gone. What team am I even rooting for anymore?"--My wife, December 2012. The Twins are not the Cubs...well...not yet anyway. Sure it's been 22 years since our last World Series/American League Championship season, but we've got nothing on the Cub's suffering through bad luck or incompetence. Still, for the first time in a while, wearing the interlocked "TC" feels like a sign that I'm committed to a team that's bound for disappointment. It's been easy to ignore the Twins this winter, and most national news outlets have. After swiftly swapping out center-fielders for pitching prospects, we were relegated to the "other notes" sections of sports pages. The junk drawer of the "Transactions" column where the Mike Pelfry/Rich Harden/Rafael Perez contracts of the world land, next to mutant paperclips and quaint sticky notes. Most "experts" point to 2016 as our most logical date of contention, and even that date assumes that nothing will go wrong with player development or team finances. It'll be a time when most of the current roster is a distant memory. The current players to be guaranteed money for that year are Joe Mauer and Glen Perkins...everyone else might be there or might be dust in the wind. Until then, well, we still have some games to play. Some painful, painful games... ~~~ "Do you really still root for them?" --A student upon seeing the Twins game on my web browser during study hall September 2012 Do we have a better outfield? No. Do we have a better infield? No. Do we have a better pitching staff? Maybe. Do we stand a chance against the Tigers? No. Do we stand a chance of getting a wild card? No. Do we stand a chance of even seeming competitive after the all-star break? Probably not. And yet, here we are, early March and I've got the itch again. I'm perusing Stub Hub for tickets to see the Twins play in Washington DC (as a chance to take my niece to her first big league ball game). I'm hoping that Bert Blyleven is doing some stealth scouting of Korean and Taiwanese players at the World Baseball Classic. I'm cogitating and considering the wisdom of various 40 man roster spots and all of this despite the fact that I know the Twins are bound for another difficult year. Maybe being a fan means being stupid. Maybe it means being inexplicably loyal to the point that your brother and your wife and even your 15-year-old students question your mental faculties. Maybe it means willfully enlisting for a struggle of a season simply because it seems like the right thing to do. During the aforementioned trip to Chicago, our birthday celebrations took us to a brunch spot (apparently a vital part of any weekend in Chicago). Unfortunately our chosen restaurant had to close due to sudden pipe damage, and on our way out the hostess stopped me. "Excuse me," she said, "are you a Twins fan?" While I normally try to keep a low fan profile in rival towns, the fuzzy hat and embroidered gloves made denying the truth impossible. "Yes," I replied, "yes I am." "Oh my god! ME TOO!" She said with relish, "I don't usually see other Twins fans. I'm so excited for this year! I mean, I know it's going to be rough, but that's what makes us fans right?" Yes, my fellow fanatic, it will be rough. So rough that in order to a win a bet with my wife and father-in-law, I'm banking on the Twins to lose between 88 and 92 games....and I'm the optimistic one! But this is what makes us fans. The ability to find excitement and intrigue even in the most desolate seasons, even when family and friends question your sanity, even when it just does not make sense, that's what makes a fan. So yes, it will be rough, but that is what makes us fans. Just ask the Cubs. Click here to view the article

Here's your quick, easy, inaccurate guide to the last week in Minnesota Twins Baseball...' Game 15 Cold Weathered Out After going all the way to Chicago just to find out that another game would be postponed due to inclement weather, the Twins groaned loudly in protest. Manager Ron Gardenhire's offer to take everyone out for ice cream was a nice thought but...seriously...whose thinking about ice cream on the 79th day of February?[PRBREAK][/PRBREAK] ~~~ Originally published at Peanuts For Heaven ~~~ Game 16 Twins 2 - White Sox 1 In the afternoon, we peanuts thrilled to see the Twins squeak out a win in the Windy City, behind a strong 7 innings from Vance "Vanimal" Worley, and the night only got better as Mrs. Peanut and I went to see Minnesota Opera's version of Turandot...which would look something like this to the Vanimal. Game 17 Twins 5 - White Sox 3 Download attachment: Ubermensch.jpg Years ago, we Peanuts met Jesse Crain. In addition to being polite with your run of the mill fans, he also seemed vaguely entertained by our comical shenanigans and goofy photoshops. For this reason we said that he was not just a "mensch" he was in fact "the Ubermensch". This allowed us to make all kinds of goofy allusions to philosophy while writing Twins recaps and caused much amusement...at least for us. And while we Peanuts still want to take every opportunity to destroy the White Sox, we're a little less keen on crushing our pal "Ze Ubermensch". So when Ze Ubermensch came into pitch with the bases loaded we had to pause before remembering what we really wanted to see. Facing Josh Willingham, Ze Ubermensch chose to open with one of his favorite argument/pitches, guaranteed to throw hitters off balance: Download attachment: Willinghammer.jpg "We speak of 'stranding runners' in baseball, and yet, in order to be 'stranded' shouldn't one be eternally lost, abandoned and forlorn, strapped to their base as if it were an island in the stream? Given that the runners, do in fact return to the dugout and thence to the field, is it not morally superior to leave them to their own devices, challenging the so called 'stranded' to survive the treacherous jog back to the bench under their own guile and intellect? With the human mind capable of such complex, instinctual foresight, denying these runners the right to exercise their mental acuity is akin to negating the will of the student to question his teachings." Cogent as that argument may be, our own local God of Thunder unleashed his Willinghammer all over Ze Ubermensch with a bases clearing double. Standing on second base Willingham was heard to remark to Crain: "Sorry...I couldn't hear your question over the sound of my awesomeness..." Game 18 Gross Weathered Out In their offices at Target Field the Pohlad brothers mutter darkly about moving the team somewhere with nicer weather that doesn't run the risk of so many early season snow/rain outs...like maybe: Nome, Alaska. Download attachment: Blizard+of+Oz.jpg Game 18 (Take 2) Twins 4 - Marlins 3 Through the gloom of yet another April snow storm, the Twins took the field to battle the Miami Laughingstocks...I mean Marlins. As good fortune would have it, they had with them a young rookie with a nickname tailor-made for this kind of weather: "The Blizzard of Oz" Oswaldo Arcia! And with a heroic summoning of his magical prowess the Blizzard Wizard smote the Marlins with a three-run blast to take the lead and seal the game. Game 19 Marlins 8-Twins 5 Sensing my disparaging comments of them in the previous paragraphs, the Marlins took their revenge on Mike Pelfrey. As frustrating as their hitting was for Pelfry, it was more aggravating to hear them snidely shout out Nickleback lyrics with sheer condescension "Should've seen it coming!" jeered Placido Palanco. "It had to happen sometimes" crowed Greg Dobbs. "You went and bought a knife/to an all out gun fight" giggled Rob Brantley. This was frustrating for Pelfry, but more frustrating for fans who realized that the Marlins actually sing better than Nickleback front man Chad Kroeger. Mr. Peanut: Brian Dozier (With a small sample size this is mostly an award for improved defense and plate discipline, but still warranted.) Nutty Buddy: Trevor Plouffe (Again, it's a small sample size, but mediocre plate work plus poor defense means fans are seeing Eduardo Escobar through rose-colored, beer-goggled, Plouffey eyes.) Click here to view the article

It's a spring-time tradition. When Spring Break arrives, I say goodbye to my students, make a few Arrested Development jokes with my colleagues, and pick up as much as I can find on the impending baseball season This year, in addition to the standard season preview issues of Sports Illustrated and ESPN, I also picked up the City Pages, on the basis of it's ominous headline "Baseball's Fiscal Cliff: As another season begins, MLB faces an unsustainable future--and you're picking up the tab". [PRBREAK][/PRBREAK](Certainly a title capable of grabbing attention, and the whole article is available here) ~~~Like everything else I write: this is also available at our original site:~~~ ~~~Peanuts from Heaven~~~ [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://media.citypages.com/8664187.0.jpg[/TD] [/TABLE] [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center][/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Credit: City Pages[/TD] [/TABLE] The fiscal cliff referred to by author--Pete Kotz--is based on 4 clear points (with the emphasis and dire headline being based most clearly on the 4th point) 1. Baseball is beset with competitive imbalance To Kotz's mind the more popular NFL and NBA help their sports thrive by helping teams thrive in middle-markets like Green Bay and San Antonio, while the grand ol' game is trapped in a recurring cycle where "the big crush the small with painful regularity". 2. Baseball is losing its fan base (particularly among young men) You can see the diminishing fan base in the graph above. The audience for a typical World Series game has shrunk by 29.6 million eyes from 1980 to today. It also includes the surprising stat that "More women age 50 and older watched the world series did men under 49". 3. The largest financial gain for baseball is its lucrative tv contracts which will soon come under threat from increased demand for better product It's no surprise that sports are lucrative for broadcast networks to air (no one lines up to watch March Madness stunners on hulu the day after). So there are multiple millions if not billions in the offing when teams agree to broadcasting contracts. However the companies that own your local teams' broadcaster (Time Warner/Disney/Viacom/News Corps) are able to recoup the oodles they pay for baseball by making satellite and cable companies sell lower rated channels like Disney XD along with ESPN or FUEL Tv alongside Fox Sports North. Of course, the satellite and cable companies pass that cost on to consumers. But with the rise of on-line watching, Kotz argues, all viewers are increasingly likely to switch off the tv unless things change, and bills (which may soon top $200/month) drop. (Perhaps through an anti-trust suit from Viacom which seeks to eliminate the channel-bundling and sell channels to consumers individually.) 4. If the cable contracts change, the tv contract bubble will burst, competitive imbalance will become entrenched and the few remaining fans will have to pay exorbitant prices in order to ever see a winner again. This is the core of Kotz's case. If you can buy individual channels, those who want family fare (like Disney Channel) but not sports will spurn the extra cost on their cable bill and, as he sees it: "aseball's welfare payments from non-fans will corrode. And with an audience in decline, remaining subscribers will be forced to spend that much more to compensate." Thereby leaving poor teams like the Twins charging fans more both at the turnstiles and on the cable bill to make money, hire players and win games. This is an argument. But as I see it, it has a couple of clear flaws too. 1. Baseball is rife with parity This would be Jayson Stark's turf, so I won't really get into this too much, I'll just to trot out perhaps the best stat of all: 12/32 NFL teams have won a Super Bowl in the last 25 years, by contrast 16/30 MLB teams have won a World Series over the same time span...yup, you've got no chance if you aren't the Yankees 2. Baseball's fan base cannot be judged by World Series ratings[TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] http://media.citypages.com/8664387.0.jpg [TD=class: tr-caption]True, but irrelevant. Credit: CityPages[/TD] [/TABLE] To be sure, baseball's World Series' ratings are embarrassing. But they are less embarrassing when you consider how baseball does in other venues. News reports point out that daily viewership of local teams is fairly constant within most media markets. Take the Tigers: they get about 168,000 people tuning in to tv each day, plus 199,700 people tuning into the radio, that'll be 367,7000 people tuning in each week...just within Detroit. (The Lions draw from a national audience to try to match that in one day). On top of that, you should consider the fact that baseball's long season enables a near constant conversation about the games on social media and the internet. "Detroit Tigers Blogs" kick out 40 million hits on google, "Detroit Lions Blogs" kick out about 24 million hits. (Heck the Twins even crush the Vikings (about 22 million to 19 million...AND THE TWINS STUNK WHILE THE VIKINGS MADE THE PLAYOFFS). The truth is that, while national ratings are down, local interest is up. Would it be nice to see the World Series return to its bygone glory? Yes it would. But do woeful World Series ratings mean baseball is doomed? Absolutely not. 3. Lucrative tv contracts are undoubtedly valuable, but are not the only factor in making a team competitive Naturally local markets can pay more if they have more subscribers (Angels and Yankees broadcasting contracts are going to pour more money into the teams they're paying than local broadcasters in say, Oakland and Tampa Bay). Nevertheless, as the last decade worth of parity (see point 1) has made clear, you don't have to be swimming in tv contract cash in order to make your team competitive (witness the success of the A's and the Angels, or the Rays and Yankees). Teams have found ways to succeed without money before, and they'll seek ways to succeed without them now. 4. Who says that this is what will happen if the cable contracts change? Here's the biggest problem I have with Kotz's article and the City Pages' fear mongering. They've given into what I tell my students is an "if...then fallacy". If one thing happens, then another will inevitably follow. You see it in presidential campaign ads (like... ). [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] http://media.citypages.com/8665427.87.jpg [TD=class: tr-caption]Credit: City Pages[/TD] [/TABLE] But there's a problem with assuming that one action will invariably lead to atom bombs or war with moon nazis: there's no way to know whether or not this will really happen. Let's say Kotz is right and cable companies start offering the chance to buy channels individually rather than as a set. Why does that mean that customers will abandon sports channels rather than turning to them in greater numbers? (Personal example: the only non-network channels I watch are FSN, ESPN and Comedy Central anyway...so I'm in regardless; my younger brother can't afford cable, but if he could get the sports channels he wanted without paying hundreds of bucks for sports AND SoapNet/E!, he'd do it in a heart beat). Or, if you prefer, if cable contracts change AND sports channels are abandoned, why does that mean that teams will be forced to charge regular fans more? Why won't it lead to a greater degree of fiscal restraint? The fall out from A-Rod's mammoth contract (and subsequent crapitude) has already largely flattened player's prices. Moreover, with 15 years of solid labor agreements behind them, the union has a good sense of what they can/should expect from management. If they know finances are getting crunched, they'll have to accept that and the lower salaries that come along with it. However you slice it, there's just no guarantee that the so-called "Fiscal Cliff" is nearly as dire as Kotz and the City Pages make it seem. There are problems with baseball. It's naive to argue otherwise. But should we really be bracing ourselves for a financial disaster that will doom us to decades of overpaying for the foreseeable future? Probably not. I can see why the City Pages published the article ('tis the season, after all), but there's just no need to make a 125 year old institution that has weathered recessions, depressions and wars that minimized their workforce seem like it's going to be doomed because of a cable company's law suit? That's just silly. Click here to view the article

It's that time once again, every year we "analyze" the Twins' drafting decisions by summarizing the strengths and weaknesses of players. Rather than do that with any depth, direction or purpose (which is soooooo not our style), we rapidly blurt out 5 words and pass them off as "analysis" or "humorous"..hopefully you agree (and appreciate my endless attempts to reinvigorate the cliched "never give up on lefties'. Thanks to the many fine folks at Twins Daily who compiled this list. [PRBREAK][/PRBREAK] Right Handed Pitchers [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://www.examiner.com/images/blog/EXID4130/images/pirate.jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Last year we drafted two Jacksonville U Dolphins This year, two Seton Hall Pirates Keep the Dolphins in Line![/TD] [/TABLE] 1-4 Kohl Stewart--Please bubble-wrap your arm 2-43 Ryan Eades--#2 Starter our #2 option 5-140 Aaron Slegers--Hoosier's already won @ Target Field! 7-200 Brian Gilbert--1 of 2 Seton Hall-ers WHEE PIRATES!!! 10-290 Charles Irby--Former DH versatile in bullpen 12-350 Ethan Mildren--Part of righty stockpile 13-380 Brandon Peterson--Big strong closer > puny starters 17-500 Tanner Mandonca--@TanTheMan13...12 other guys had that? 19-560 Jared Wilson--another part of righty stockpile 21-620 Tyler Stirewalt--Also the Fresno State QB...? 23-680 Zack Hayden--Terry Ryan: Stockpiler or Hoarder? 26-770 Ryan Halstead--Draft 2 Hoosiers, Get 1 FREE!! [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://www.kropserkel.com/Images/horsehead%20(9).jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]The offer to Logan Shore... one he can't refuse[/TD] [/TABLE] 27-800 Taylor Blatch--Wiry...lean...MY NEW BUDDY! 29-860 Logan Shore--Signability questions...still gets offer 31-920 AJ Bogucki--Easily Best Name of Draftees 36-1070 Joseph Greenfield--Dropped 14 rounds from 2012 38-1130 Javier Salas--17 Righties? That's a hoard Left Handed Pitchers [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://mountiewire.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/AthleticFair1-199x300.jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Sorry Li'l Joe... Derrick's with us now.[/TD] [/TABLE] 4-110 Stephen Gonsalves--Slipped rounds...$ makes it better 15-440 Derrick Penilla--TC Bear > Li'l Joe Mountie! 16-470 Brandon Bixler--Becomes Alliterative Roomies w/Byron Buxton 24-710 Brandon Easton--Lakeland Laker...leaves for LA 28-830 Chris Erwin--Hey, Leftie Give-uppers! YOU LOSE! 35-1040 Nick Lemoncelli--My Grandma Loves Lemoncelli's Limoncello 39-1160 Seth Wagner--Attended Dunder Mifflin HS (PA) Infielders 3-78 Stuart Turner, C--Someone's gotta catch those pitchers6-170 Brian Navarreto, C--A couple someones actually... 8-230 Dustin DeMuth, 3B--Umpire Dana DeMuth's gotta favorite! [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://www.movievillains.com/images/octavius.jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Now he could do some fielding![/TD] [/TABLE] 9-260 Mitchel Garver, C--ALREADY SIGNED, Get him sideburns! 11-320 Nelson Molina, MI--No relation to Alfred...sadly... 18-530 Ryan Walker, SS--Big Texan...where's the scrappy infielder? 22-650 Alex Swim, C--Might prefer pool to diamond 30-890 Tanner Vavra, 2B--Hoping he can hit* *(Note--this is based on my genuine hope that his dad taught him some things...Tanner is legally blind in one eye [as Brad Swanson noted in his draft recap] so if he makes it, it would be pretty flippin' awesome.) 32-950 Carlos Avila, SS--5'11"...close enough..."HE'S SCRAPPY!" [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://1.bp.blogspot...600/MrSlate.gif[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Granite's last manager... Looks like Terry Ryan...[/TD] [/TABLE] Outfielders 14-410 Zack Granite--Played Outfield for Slate Quarry 20-590 Jason Kanzler--@JasonKanzler likes "moderate amounts-of-fun" 25-740 Chad Christianson--Congrats! You can leave Nebraska! 33-980 Steven Sensley--"OMG! OUTFIELDERS!!"--Twins Draft room 34-1010 Ivory Thomas--My wigs are purest outfielder... 37-1100 Julien Service--A Quebec Finance Service? 40-1190 Kelly Starness--Check-out line impulse buy Click here to view the article

Buyers or Sellers Remember the start of the season when all the "experts" were forecasting a fall from grace for the Yankees? [sigh] Those were the days to be a Yankee hater. Now a team of has-beens and "who-the-hells" are sitting a couple games over .500 and just a handful of games outside the wild card race. And even if they weren't, the Yankees would still be buyers. They'll always be buyers. [PRBREAK][/PRBREAK] A plague of flesh-eating bacteria could decimate the entire franchise, and the Yankees would still be buyers because everyone in the Bronx, from the owners, to the fans, to the flesh-eating bacteria, expects it of them. Download attachment: new-york-yankees.jpg What They Need The Yankees offense has been less Bronx Bombers and more Trenton Tiddlywinkers, ranking 22nd out of 30 teams in runs scored (two spots behind the Twins), so hitters will be welcomed. Early in July, they hoped rehabbing All-Stars would eliminate any need to trade for hitting. But a combination of surgery, re-injury, delayed rehab and an acute case of "threatened suspension for steroid use" have created needs at first base, shortstop, the outfield and third base. Even with those gaping holes, and even though the pitching staff has often carried the offense, the Yankees know that you can never have enough pitching and will at least consider spare starters, strong relievers or anyone with an arm attached to his shoulder. Sorry Venus de Milo. What Might Work Justin Morneau isn't up to Lyle Overbay's standard, nor is Jamey Carroll a better backup for Jeter's spot. With Willingham hurt, Ryan Doumit would be the only outfielder to help, but he can't fit with Ichiro in right, Francisco Cervelli returning to catch, and a number of DHs in waiting. Trevor Plouffe might not curl the toes of the New York Post, but with A-Rod on the edge of oblivion, and back-ups Kevin Youkilis/Jayson Nix banged up too, he's a vast improvement on the spare parts out there now. While the Yanks have been ogling Chase Headley and Michael Young, both would be pricey, making Plouffe not only viable but relatively affordable. Though the Twins (unsurprisingly) don't have a starter who would upgrade New York's rotation, they could help solidify a strong bullpen. Sadly, David Robertson has been anointed as heir to Mariano's throne (sorry Perkins theorists), but Brian Duensing could be a welcome extra lefty alongside Boone Logan (improving on Joba the Hutt). Sleeper Targets Jose Campos - RHP - 20 years old - ACampos is back in form after an elbow injury last season. He'd be ideal for Twins coaches, with a variety of pitches and good control numbers (1.7 BB/9, 5.08 K/BB). The elbow might make him a relatively low buy in the right deal. Vidal Nuno - LHP - 25 - AAANuno also fits the Twins formula. He has an array of pitches that stay around the plate (1.05 WHIP in minors). He doesn't throw hard, which could mean he's been lucky; if so, he's been lucky at every level for several years, which might be less luck and more like command. Rafael DePaula - RHP - 22 - A+DePaula crushed Low A Charleston this year before scuffling lately at High A Tampa (14 R/12 IP). He struck out Byron Buxton at the Futures game and has huge upside, but he's a big risk due to a lack of off-speed stuff and a birth certificate conundrum. Brett Marshall - RHP - 23 - AAARoughed up in his Major League debut start, and shaky in Scranton (1.69 WHIP & 58 BB/ 94 IP), Marshall's recent results are better. But the sink on his fastball and change haven't translated to ground balls...worrisome. Dream Target Gary Sanchez - C - 20 - A+Sanchez is the Yankees power prospect. He has 13 homers so far in his second season at High A and is drooled over by Bronx Zoo residents the same way Twins fans drool over Miguel Sano. At a premium defensive position, he'd be a valuable asset (especially with Joe Mauer nearing transition time). Better still, Sanchez and resident catching prospect Josmil Pinto become two options to offer should we need an impact arm at future trade deadlines (though hopefully that impact arm isn't named Matt Capps). Click here to view the article

XI Reasons Being a Baseball Fan Makes it Easy to Be a Soccer Fan (and vice-versa) I. Under the surface strategy: Don't get me wrong, a well placed 3 run homer or penalty kick is all well and good, but more often than not it's not what you see happening on the ball, it's what's happening away from it that matters. Did the outfielders really leave the left field line open for Joe Mauer? Did you see how Asamoah Gyan made that run to the back post? Totally drew the defenses attention away from Dede Ayew. There's always something more to see than what you see. [PRBREAK][/PRBREAK] [TABLE] http://f.cl.ly/items/3R212C0V1w3X0d373H0m/twins.png I'll Buy This(mwillis.com) [/TABLE] II. Minimal interruptions: The best games of baseball simply roll through, pitchers working quickly, catches made or missed, hits and walks building into rallies and sides swapping chances one after another. The same is true in soccer: passes and movements flowing seamlessly up and down the pitch for forty-five minutes at a time without a single commercial break. Sometimes there have to be bullpen bucket brigades, sometimes there's an obnoxious array of feigned injuries that eat up valuable time...but at their best the only thing that matters is playing the game. III. Players pay their dues: Both baseball and soccer have baby-faced phenoms who soar into view out of nowhere and take the world by storm (your Mike Trouts and Neymars, for example). But even the young bucks have to work their way up to the top: through Clearwater and Round Rock and Scranton until you get to Yankee Stadium or battling through Eindhoven and Valencia en route to London. But at the top levels of the game there are both phenoms and well seasoned vets who arrived at this stage through dedication and perseverance. http://www.spirit-wrestlers.com/photos/1953_Ty_Cobb_sm.jpghttp://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2011/12/16/article-2074930-0C491B25000005DC-474_468x338.jpg Cobb and Maradona would be best friends...after they killed each other IV. Body types are no bar: Speaking of dedication and perseverance, you don't watch soccer or baseball with the sense that they are totally different than you. Take the top 5 baseball players of all time (by WAR [excluding Barry *Human Asterix* Bonds]: Ruth, Young, W. Johnson, Mays and Cobb). Their slightly taller than average (5'10" [Mays] to 6'2 [Johnson], and range from 170 pounds (Cobb) to 220 (Ruth), unlike the sky scraping NBA's top 5 (by PER: Jordan, James, O'Neal, Chamberlain and Robinson--all over 6'6") or the NFLs (by AVV: Favre, Rice, Manning, White and Lewis--all over 200 lbs, [minus Rice its 220]). Soccer players have a similar everyman quality about them--with the one exception that none of them had Ruth's hot dogs and beer diet--but world renowned names like Pele, Maradona, Johann Cruyff and Franz Beckenbauer are all under 6 feet. Helping you dream that just maybe you could do it too. V. Whole new world of statistical analysis: While I've often been accused of being a numbers-averse, story heavy fan/writer, I absolutely appreciate well employed statistical analysis. And increasingly Soccer has started using advanced stats with serious foresight. Added into a vocabulary full of BABIP and VORP comes PS% (Pass Success %) and ADW (Aerial Duels Won). Heck, FIFA even sold naming rights to a statistic to Castrol! So as someone who appreciates their affectionate nerdery with a dash of numbers, it's an ideal situation. VI. Long Season as an Asset: Part of the reason statistical analysis works so well in baseball and increasingly in soccer is the sheer size of the season, you can be confident that you're getting a good sample size with six months worth of games. Better still, you get to know players and story lines as they develop, and you also get a sense that every game counts because pennants are a badge of honor in baseball (and one of the only ways into the playoffs) and they are the whole kit and caboodle in futbol. While soccer does have a variety of in-season tournaments (an idea I floated on my own baseball blog), there's a great deal to savor in every game, no matter where you stand. [TABLE] http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/Balotelli.jpg Admire the honesty...until you get freaked out by how honest it could be.... [/TABLE] VII. Loyalty rewarded: Being a fan requires loyalty, sincerity and pride of purpose. It seems a little silly to non-fans that you care so much about a group of men you'll never meet, and yet you really come to feel like you live with and for the players you watch every day, cheering on their successes and screaming over their failures. And in the end there are players who want to be every bit as loyal to their fans and their adopted home as the fans are to them, which is why Jim Thome tears up in Minnesota, and why Mario Balotelli still wants to play for Italy, no matter what obscenities some people throw his way. VIII. Front office strategy galore: Loyalty is great, but for many fans, winning is better. So I have to appreciate the cajoling, conniving and various intricacies of altering a roster to make your team better. It's not just Terry Ryan's trade talks, it's the waiver wire watching and the AAA call-ups. That's not an option in a lot of other sports, but it is in soccer. Twice a year ownership groups go on spending sprees that would make the worst shopaholics blanche. They scour the globe for the best talents and drop a dime or two to bring them aboard (50 M seems to be the going rate for the best scorers these days). But that's not all...there's a raft of players in youth development programs itching for a call-up and rigorous competition among players already on the team striving to unseat one another. What will happen and where and with whom? Half the fun is that the hot-stove season never really ends. [TABLE] http://www.hurriyetdailynews.com/images/news/201205/n_21519_4.jpg Pretty awesome(Hurriyet Daily News) [/TABLE] IX.Female fans, not objects: With three boys and a boy-at-heart, my mother might seem to care about sports out of self defense, but she really worried about the hole in Delmon Young's swing, the Viking's doomed defensive schemes, Wolves' missed passes and, of course, offsides traps. But she rolls her eyes every time football and basketball cameras zoom in on bouncing/bouyant cheerleaders, and she brought me up to do the same. Look around a baseball stadium and you find no cheerleaders or spirit squads, just women in the stands bemoaning bad middle relief or celebrating good plate discipline. The same thing holds true on soccer terraces (possibly because women in the US play the game at an elite international level), where every well paced pass and deflected shot are cause for joy or alarm. I don't think cheerleaders are evil...but I know I'd rather be around women who know and love the game they're watching. X. Low scoring: This might be even less American than saying, I feel weirded out having eye candy cheerleaders shoved in my face. I like low scoring contests. I like it when runs or goals come at a premium rather than in a bundle, because it encourages you to relish every opportunity you get. It also highlights that, though you may fail, persistence is it's own reward. XI. Sweet satisfaction in toppling the almighty: One of the things that goes hand-in-hand with low scoring affairs, is that anyone can be beaten at any time. The Yankees may spend more than the gross national product of Belize, but scrape together a few runs and they can be beaten. Manchester City may drop more hundred dollar bills than Montgomery Burns taking out the trash, but sneak a late goal and they too can be beaten. It feels great to be a Twins fan when the pin-stripers are scratching their heads in dismay, and equally great when Watford unseats City (or, on a global scale--when the plucky old stars and stripes shocks England/Spain or any one of a host of European Goliaths). http://f.cl.ly/items/2o3R0J2q0b162V3Y1U28/millers.png It's easy to love sports. And when you love these things, it's easy to share the love between two great games. I'm looking forward to visiting the birthplace of one great game, and to a great year of both games. On Friday Mrs. Peanut and I will go to England/Scotland on vacation, this means there will be very few PFH blogs coming out (I have a few scheduled to drop in absentia), but in preparation for that and as fine example of laziness time-management, I'm using a blog from another site: The Montanan Hooligans' World Cup Center since it relates to why I love baseball. If what I write makes you even slightly curious about more soccer writing, feel free to check that out...and know that while baseball might be hard to come by in merry old England...soccer...probably easier. Click here to view the article

The Twins finished their home stand with two wins, two losses and 16 frost-bitten digits. Let's recap: Game 10 Mets 16 - Twins 5 Download attachment: 1925_02_21_p233.jpg Yeah...that happened. But on the plus side, at least our name isn't a shortened form of the snobby title "Metropolitans". As in: "Oh, how droll! The Metropolitans have bested those cold weather klutzes in Minnesota! I must broach the topic with my Monacle repair man, when I go in for my bi-quarterly cleaning!"[PRBREAK][/PRBREAK] Game 11 Mets 4 - Twins 2 Returning to the team after surgery and rehab, Scott Diamond was warmly received. And through four shut out innings life was grand indeed as he pitched like he actually knew what he was doing. After finishing the fourth, Diamond returned to the dugout and got bearhugged by pitching coach Rick Anderson. "GOD I'VE MISSED YOU, SCOTT!! It's so good to see someone hit his spots and control the movement on his pitches. I can't tell you how awful it's been. I just...DON'T EVER LEAVE ME AGAIN!!" All this hugging and bromance was wonderful (though not exactly fun for Mike Pelfrey and Vance Worley to watch from their spots on the bench), however it did have the unfortunate side-effect of squeezing Diamond's very tender arm. This in turn led to an increase in his fatigue. Which led to giving up 7 straight hits and four runs. It also led to Justin Morneau cautiously avoiding all hug-happy coaches after his 7th inning homer helped the Twins avoid being no-hit. Game 12 Sleeted Out Rather than playing the game the Twins curled up in the club house with big bowls of popcorn and watched classic movies like The Princess Bride and The Land Before Time. Download attachment: Oct11-Glendronach12O-1.jpg Game 13Twins 8 - Angels 2 Full disclosure, Stinky and I watched most of this game after attending a scotch tasting at Surdyk's in North Minneapolis. From what we can tell from our notes scribbled on a variety of bar napkins: Joe Mauer's plate approach seems light, airy and almost floral at first before finishing like a dagger, while Kevin Correia continues to undermine our expectations by flourishing glimpses of smoke mixed with a wide range of candied toffee, vanilla and butterscotch notes...or pitches or whatever...(Also the Glendronach 12 year went 2 for 4 with a homer). Download attachment: Statue.jpg Game 14Twins 8 - Angels 6 Continuing a ramp up of aggressive posturing since his grandfather's birthday: our supreme leader Chairman Mauer continued his assault on Los Angeles decrying them as a "harbinger of Western [Division] decadence, whose profligate spending on talent will forever leave their souls empty of the hard work and moral triumph that is present in every Twinnesotan heart." When asked about his own oversized contract, the Chairman (praises be upon his sideburns) smote the reporter with a cleanly struck single up the middle. Game 15 Snowed Out Up until the last minute the Twins were planning on playing the game. But once it became clear that the school bus sent to pick up rosy-cheeked rookies Oswaldo Arcia and Aaron Hicks wouldn't make it, and when Brian Dozier, Chris Parmelee and Ryan Pressley asked their moms to "pretty-please" not take them to the stadium, they had no choice but to give it up and plan to play LA another day. This week's Mr Peanut: Chairman Joe Mauer This week's Nutty Buddy: Aaron Hicks (There are two kinds of Aaron Hicks fans, those who want him to go down to AAA and figure his game out, and those who want to make him a bowl of chicken noodle soup and promise him that it'll all work out in the end...we're the latter.) Click here to view the article

Puckettsburgh, TT - In a stunning announcement yesterday, a section of the country known as Twins Territory announced that they would secede from the United States of America and form their own sovereign nation. "The time has come for, you know, action," said newly appointed supreme Chairman Mauer. "And, huh, you know, It's best for us all to separate ourselves from the bickering and squabbling over debt ceilings and Obamacare and acknowledge that while America has had a good run, it's best for us to get out while the getting is good." http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-J2k2ItX8R3Y/SsCb-bbaujI/AAAAAAAABRo/kRl0EfRFXb0/s320/Statue.jpg Chairman Mauer then added, "I mean, how much worse could it be than our current system?" The new republic will encompass large sections of what was formerly Minnesota, North Dakota, South Dakota and Iowa. Concerns that some who live in the demarcated region may not be Twins fans were immediately allayed by Minister of Martial Redistricting Ron Gardenhire, "We're going to do one of those partitionsies. Mauersy and I talked about it and feel real good about it. It was kinda rough for India-y and Pakistansy for a while, but you know, they battled and got through it and uh, real proud of them." As for how the nation will sustain a functioning economy Minister of Financial Oversight Jim Pohlad was quick to explain. "We figure that a lot of people will keep coming to support us, and without American taxes to hold us back we can spend as much as we like. Beyond that, we've got some great corporate partners lined up, oh...and Best Buy...we've got them too. Plus the Wilfs said we could just have " 'personal living licenses to raise revenue'... That seems like a winner." But the shocking first act of the new country was to appoint Tony Oliva as official Twins Territory Ambassador to Cuba. As Chairman Mauer said: "It's a, ummm, no-brainer, you know. Uhh, Tony has the experience and the commitment and the willingness to do what it takes to win, so...yeah." Oliva's first task will be to reopen trade negotiations between the two states, the result of which will be that Cubans can play in Twins Territory without the hassle of often dangerous attempts to defect. Players would be able to return home and improve the lives of their families and loved ones rather than being forced to remain alienated in a foreign land indefinitely. "I don't know if they'll remember me," said Oliva, "but hey, it's no crazier than signing Nishioka and a whole lot faster than waiting for us to develop a pitcher." Adopting a large portion of Cuba's talent pool into the Twins Minor League system already has baseball experts salivating. "First Sano, then Buxton and now this?" said ESPN's baseball/foreign affairs analyst Keith Law. "The Twins might be the craziest pack of lunatics outside of North Korea, but crazy has its benefits." Click here to view the article

This is one of my favorite times of the baseball year, which is odd because there's no games being played, no highlights over which to goggle, no action to analyze. But there is the Hall of Fame, that marvelous institution/debate instigator that symbolizes so much and actually means very little. This is the time to think about the history of the game, the greatest players to walk on a diamond, and exactly how baseball still relates to our values personally and as a society. As a fan of baseball history and a chronic over thinker, this is perfect for me. [PRBREAK][/PRBREAK] In approaching the question of who I would vote for (which I don't and--barring a radical change in BBWAA rules -- never will have), I decided to try a more logical, rational approach than the normal touchy-feely me is known for and than the great debate headquarters of Cooperstown, New York is used to. I thought, I'd fill out a ballot as an economist would...or even better, as a Freakonomicist would. *** Originally published at http://heavenlypeanuts.blogspot.com *** [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://afisha.westsib.ru/i/action/117/11709.jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Seriously...it's a good book.[/TD] [/TABLE] Those who've read the books by Stephen Levitt (pride of St. Paul) and Stephen Dubner know that, to an economist's mind, voting is futile. Elections (especially national ones) are decided by thousands of votes not just one; however the more local your election (mayor, city councilor, school board) and the smaller the margin of error in polls, the more likely that your vote will matter. But civic elections are simple affairs--one winner, lots of losers.When it comes to the Hall of Fame there are really three kinds of winning: (1st) get 75% and get elected for enshrinement; (2nd) get more than 66% and apply enough peer pressure on voters to eventually get elected; (3rd) get more than 5% and stay on the ballot until you can boost yourself up for enshrinement. So, if you cast an economical ballot for the hall of fame, then you can break down your vote to those three categories. You vote for people who might or might not reach one of those three thresholds (and don't worry as much about people like Roger Clemens or Dale Murphy who won't make 75 or 66% but will easily top 5%. With that in mind, here's how I would vote (if I could): [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://mopupduty.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/Jack-Morris-218x300.jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Yup, I'm biased...[/TD] [/TABLE] Guys To Get Over The Top It's no sure thing that any one will be elected this year. But the two candidates deemed most likely to succeed also happen to be two people I think are quite deserving and would be proud to help put into the hallowed halls. Craig Biggio reached the rarified air of 3,000 hits while adapting to three different positions: catcher, 2nd Base, and center field. He might not be the most eye catching candidate this year, but a vote for him gets tremendous bang for your buck. The same goes for Jack Morris, who may benefit from what some people call the "acehood fallacy", but also doesn't deserve to suffer for it. Sure that one great Game 7 may be the main reason he's inducted...but it was our game 7 so...he surely deserves a boost. Guys To Save From Elimination If you read other people's ballots, chances are that you see lots of star powered name hemming and equal amounts of "gee-I-wish-I-could-vote-for" hawing. Since less than 5% of the vote eliminates you from future consideration, and since many people are doubting the next three candidates, a vote for them helps to encourage debate about guys who need a little more consideration before their time runs out. Ergo, I'll vote for the eternally moving Kenny Lofton (best leadoff man of the 90s), Edgar Martinez (best DH, possibly ever) and Larry Walker (best Rocky Mountain-based jack of all trades). Maybe they aren't surefire hall of famers, but they should be discussed more than once or twice, and voting for them helps keep them outside of the danger zone and on the ballot a little while longer. Guys To Make People Talk For some reason, some voters (cou*knuckleheads*gh!) will only vote for players who've already been voted for by more than half the electorate. They're happy to vote guys in, provided their colleagues yell at them loudly enough. So, now that Jack Morris is being talked about (and perhaps inducted) we can move more guys up into the conversation (even if that conversation is fraught with ideological disputes of the rights and wrongs of drug use). [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-GtiZWnty4IM/Tws0TWR2QiI/AAAAAAAAADo/tmxwG0tQ7bA/s200/Tim+Raines.jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Listen, Monsieur Hendersono...[/TD] [/TABLE] Start with two guys whose problem isn't drug use, but things beyond their control. I'd vote for Lee Smith (whose mistake was being very good at a job that lots of people don't like--and whose exclusion is a little like not letting John Adams into your house party because you don't like politicians) and Tim Raines (whose mistake was not being named "Ricky Henderson's Non-union Canadian Equivalent.") Next, we'll start the steroid discussion by making people talk about good candidates whose only problem is being pilloried over a lot of hearsay and conjecture. Chances are voters will move first on good candidates who haven't been publicly identified as dirty-no-good cheaters--once we have consensus on them, we can move on to the more difficult headliners. So, I'll cast a vote for Jeff Bagwell and Mike Piazza. That's 9 votes already...but since it's "make 9 get the 10th one free," I'll also toss on Barry Bonds, because he's another conversation worth having: one of the best players without the juice, (the best player allegedly with the juice), more multi-faceted than the other boppers (Messrs Palmeiro, Sosa, McGwire et al), less prone to "his career was fizzling" blame than his most high profile partner in (alleged) crime (Mr. Clemens). Barry's case is special, and probably won't be solved within the next 3, 5 or even 10 years...but once he hits 50-60% a few more will waver, and a few more, and a few more...and that's how consensus is reached. Now, of course, my perception of baseball's history, who the greatest players are, and what our values will make a difference to practically no one (save, maybe my wife [hi honey] and my mom [hi momma!]). And yet! What is this time of year for if not for imagining that writing up your convoluted thoughts about baseball somehow qualifies you to make sweeping assertions about the history of the game, the greatest players of all time and baseball's relationship to our values? What is this blog for, if not to give voice to my opinions, as part of the longest running debate in baseball? I'll make my assertions, and others will disagree, and all will be well in the world of baseball punditry. That's why I love this time of year: great debates, even on a tetchy topic. (Like all my posts, this is also available at my personal blog: http://heavenlypeanuts.blogspot.com--where there's also space to vote on the Peanuts Hall of Fame...like the real one...only intentionally hilarious) Click here to view the article

I'm increasingly hoping that this is exactly what happens, (though with Buxton getting more development time in AA), so I'm not much of a critic, would be interested to hear the counter argument though.

The trade deadline is looming over the heads of Twins fans right now. Like a honed knife's edge, like a hunter's net, like a disapproving parent at the doorway of a kegger thrown by their independent child: it's looming. At least that's my feeling. And I admit it's a weird one. After all the Twins are sellers (again) in a seller's market (witness the hauls for relatively unimpressive talents thus far). We should be confident. We should be beaming with pride. We should be the belle of the ball, fending off suitors for our valuable assets. Sure they aren't that valuable, but who cares? It's the trade deadline, value is inflated and we've got what other teams want. So why does the deadline worry me so much? Because I feel like we need to get something great out of it, far more than any contending team does. Because I feel like we need a win. And if they aren't coming from the field, then they need to come from the smoke-filled rooms where deals are made. (Though I suppose, since smoking bans went into effect the rooms are probably just filled with smug self-importance.) It's not that surprising or worrying that the Twins are sellers. It's not surprising that the season is in tatters and we're all debating what they can steal from some desperate rival's hands. What is surprising is that I'm nervous about it, and I'm all too resigned to seeing the deadline pass with another unimpressive whimper. I'm still working on getting pictures to transfer clearly--so If you like pictures with your words you can check out the same post on our personal website. After three years of supporting management's decisions, I'm dumbstruck. I've supported patience and measured responses. I've supported building from within. I've supported the cautious investments in low-end free agents. But now I've got nothing, and I'm desperate. I can't figure out why woefully struggling players trot out to the field long past their sell-by date. I've got no idea why our young players are accepted as consistently inconsistent. And I'm at an utter loss to understand why prospects are left to languish in the minor leagues when there's no better rival for the position in the bigs. In short. I'm a Twins fan. And I am desperate. We need a win here. We didn't just lose 7 games on the home stand. We lost a year of development for Sano. We lost half-a-year for Buxton. We lost a couple months of Meyer and May learning the big league routine. We lost a chunk of cash on Pelfry and Nolasco. We lost the feel good memories of Bartlett, Kubel and Matty G. We lost the hope of a consistent Arcia, a burgeoning Pinto, a resilient Hicks. We are in a constant state of losing Joe Mauer: day by day, sore inch by sore inch, percentage point by percentage point, insult by insult...until, I'm convinced, some day he wakes up and either can't play or can't wait to play anywhere but here. We might be the unluckiest team in baseball, but right now we are definitely losers. And we're starting to feel like we're always going to be losers (hence the widely reported swing towards apathy this last week). This feels like a chance, a golden chance to get a win. But that's the problem with feeling like losers: even when you have a golden chance to win...you start expecting that you WILL LOSE. That's why the trade deadline's looming. This is our chance to turn Josh Willingham and Kevin Correia and Kurt Suzuki into Gold* (See note below). But there's that nagging fear that they'll turn into a flaming bag of poo instead. After all, when you're as desperate as I feel right now, you don't make the best choices. We need a win right now. I want us to win right now. And I have very little confidence that we will. But hey...If I wanted to feel confidence on a regular basis I wouldn't be a Twins fan. If I was on the point of collapsing into apathy or anger I wouldn't keep using the "we" pronoun when talking about a team that has never employed me or asked my opinion about anything. *Honestly, I know they aren't worth gold and no GM would give us gold, but if we could get a couple pieces of bronze, and an opportunity to see a piece of silver from the vault, I'd call that a win.

It's been a while since our last post (blahblahblah job, blahblahblah earning salary, blahblahblah spending holiday time with friends and loved ones). But we're back with a very special post as we consider the 2014 resolutions of your Minnesota Twins. Joe Mauer Baseball Resolution: Hit like a boss now that defense doesn't crush my legs. Life Resolution: Be hospitable while hosting my fellow all-stars this summer, maybe even say multi-syllabic words to them! Brian Dozer Baseball Resolution: Prove that the hitting outburst last year was no fluke. Life Resolution: Find out how Joe got that Head and Shoulder's commercial and send them my audition tape. http://l.yimg.com/os/publish-images/sports/2013-07-22/4fbe6b3b-dcf8-45b2-b295-d5d01a72c81f_792979101.gif Trevor Plouffe Baseball Resolution: Throw the ball to the big tall guy at first base as often as possible. Life Resolution: Repeat life affirming mantra ("I'm good enough, smart enough, and doggone it people like me") whenever fans make frowny faces at me. Josh Willingham Baseball Resolution: Get healthy. Get 30+ homers again. Get the hell out of here. Life Resolution: See above. Oswaldo Arcia Baseball Resolution: Hit many more of those mammoth home runs. Life Resolution: Build a time machine so I can see those mammoth run home. Jason Kubel Baseball Resolution: Rebuild career amongst my people. Life Resolution: Attempt to smirk with the other side of my mouth. http://2.bp.blogspot.com/__siI1SkKgnU/SX_Re7vhBII/AAAAAAAAAqA/FcnSv6LY0Uc/s320/7425.jpg Josmil Pinto Baseball Resolution: Improve defensively by listening closely to my veteran catcher teammate, veteran catcher coach and veteran pitchers. Life Resolution: Improve my teammates by teaching them the harmonies to the entire Mumford & Sons catalogue through repetition of my walk up music. Ricky Nolasco Baseball Resolution: BE AWESOME!!!!!!! Life Resolution: !!!!!!!! Caleb Thielbar Baseball Resolution: Keep being a badass left-hander. Life Resolution: Keep percentages in my favor by brainwashing every hitter to be left-handed. Phil Hughes Baseball Resolution: Use new stadium to keep home run rates down, try to boost strike out rate. Life Resolution: Every time I think about mean Yankee fans, just remember I've gone somewhere so far away that they'll forget I've ever existed...until we play a game in the Bronx...then drink heavily. Jared Burton Baseball Resolution: Continue to solidify the back of the bullpen. Life Resolution: Popularize neck beards again. Kevin Correia Baseball Resolution: Keep doing what I'm doing, even if I've been demoted from staff ace to staff #3...again... Life Resolution: Keep my arm attached to my shoulder. Glen Perkins Baseball Resolution: Get another All-Star Game spot by racking up the saves...assuming we have games that need saving. Life Resolution: Keep speaking truth to power (hitters). And by speaking truth I mean talk trash and throw sliders. Ron Gardenhire Baseball Resolution: Rebuild the team so it's in good shape for the next guy. Life Resolution: Use word-a-day calendar to improve nicknames for the boys. Instead of "Plouffe-y" maybe, Penultimate Plouffe-Dog? Twins fans, what are your New Year's Resolutions? Click here to view the article

I made plans for this weekend. I bought tickets to the Twins and the Nationals on Saturday, three of them. One for me, one for my older brother, and one for my eldest niece (2 years and 8 months as of Monday). I flew out right after giving students their last exam, and--with essays to grade on my tray table--got quietly more and more excited about the prospect of baseball with my family. This morning I went with said niece and my brother to the Air and Space Museum, enjoying my time as Uncle Silly Face (apparently my goatee has earned derision both in my classroom and in my family). We saw the LEM, the plane that broke the sound barrier, touched some moon rock and wen through Skylab three times (astronaut food--very exciting stuff to a two-year-old). Returning home I started to get supremely giddy, we would all get a nap, and then, we'd go to the ball game. Sadly one of us needed a little more nap time than the others (hint: it wasn't one of the boys). So, slightly disappointed not to share the moment with the "big girl" of the house, my brother and I headed off for Nationals Park, shortly after first pitch. We were both a little quiet, and I was awkwardly aware that it had been 18 months since we last saw each other. Lots of fatherhood (including the birth of a second child) had occurred in the interval. Suddenly, I was not sure how to act around this grown man I knew as a boy. [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-DO8HpGlSfZM/SghDYvlo5fI/AAAAAAAABHY/8I4B5hR_wnQ/s200/Mommas+day.jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]The Brother in question is in the middle[/TD] [/TABLE] My brother made me the man I am today. He came home from kindergarten with a piece of chalk and taught me to write my first words on a bit of plywood in our garage; ever since then, I've been fascinated with words and how to use them. He worked endlessly to be better in basketball and soccer and in doing so taught me to play hard, even if you don't have the talent to be the best; since then, I've always tried my hardest in sports and in life (despite having barely more strength than my aforementioned niece). He always seemed effervescently cool, first in high school and then in college, but taught me that whatever that might look like it is nothing, nothing, compared to the happiness and elation that comes with falling in love first with your spouse/significant other and then with your children. Now, I have found the same thing with my wife and look forward to having it with children (eventually). So we were both a little bummed, not to have his daughter, my niece along with us. And though we agreed the crowded, bumpy, queasifying metro rails of Washington DC were not ideal for a toddler, we were still a little tired, and I was a little distant as we entered the park in the bottom of the fifth. Two hot dogs, a couple sodas, a bag of peanuts, a dancing usher and one bizarre comment from drunken Nats fans nearby (apparently--in their minds--Kevin Correia is my friend, and his 6th inning strike reflects poorly on my worth as a human being) and we were back to what we always have been: brothers. We laughingly imagined what outfielders were saying to each other (and pictured Jayson Werth having a John Popper tattoo, secretly wishing the post-game-Blues-Traveller concert would start already). We caught each other up on our favorite teams--distinguishing Eduardo Escobar from Pedro Florimon took a little work, as did mastering the Roger Bernadina shark chomp. He stood and cheered a slick double play in the eighth, while I politely nodded my approval. I anxiously chewed my fingernails as Perkins closed the game, and he had the decency not to jeer the action. [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container, align: center] [TD=align: center]http://mlblogscookandsonbats.files.wordpress.com/2011/04/4-nationals-park-section-141-panorama-bp-thumb-550x217-2824681.jpg?w=550&h=217[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]View from our seats (taken by a much better photographer than me)[/TD] [/TABLE] The outcome of the game was really insignificant though. After 18 months we were together again and doing something we both loved. Watching a great game, laughing our butts off, and being brothers. There was sun in our faces, and there were hot dogs in our bellies. It would have been wonderful to share it all with a little one, but that time will come. You don't need a plan to have a good time. Click here to view the article

I decided many years ago to stop collecting baseball cards. Much as I loved them, they didn't do much--they certainly didn't increase in value, and my packs tended to come up with a whole lot of relievers and utility infielders and not a lot of stars. But after our most recent move, I found a thick stack of my old cards and remembered how much I loved using them around the house. Sure enough, just about every card serves a purpose now, marking my place in one of the four or six books I'm reading at any given moment. I've even found fun in taking trading cards on vacation (using Michael Cuddyer to honor the Queen of Thailand, depositing Joe Girardi in a New Delhi intersection in a feeble attempt at winning back some playoff juju).[PRBREAK][/PRBREAK] So, I decided to buy one pack of baseball cards each year, to relive my youth and restock my bookmark supply. This year, right after finishing my first week of work at Summer School, I decided to pick up a cheap pack, no antique designs or sets of six, instead I went with a simple set of Topps, and--to blend my old world with my new world I thought I'd blog about how it went. Download attachment: Photo on 2012-07-14 at 19.25.jpg As I hear the familiar crinkle and squeak of the plastic wrapper coming off, I'm filled with hope and excitement. Then I see the top card: Matt Downs of the Houston Astros...yup...looks like I'm back to the utility guy sets. Todd Helton follows, which would be exciting if it was 2001...or if I was still in Montana, then Drew Stubbs, whose name I've heard for years as a prospect, but never actually thought about. I can see the appeal of a guy who can hit for power (15-20 Homers and 30-40 stolen bases) but still...it's a Red. Download attachment: Photo on 2012-07-14 at 19.32.jpg Aha! Derek Jeter! I feel special...a little bit like all those ladies who leave their soirees with the Yankees Captain with that special gift basket. Then Brad Brach of San Diego...hold your applause please. Now a special card, shiny with zig-zaggy edges showing off Matt Kemp in mid-swing. Can't complain about him, or an old school, wood-panel Tim Lincecum. I can remember these old timey-Topps cards when they were new, and even if Lincecum has stunk this year, I've got fond memories. Download attachment: Photo on 2012-07-14 at 19.37 #2.jpg I do not have memories of pitchers Brandon Dickson, Wei-Yin Chen or Henderson Alvarez. (other than seeing his face for the first time now). I suppose it's callous of me to be so critical of young men who are immortalized in a way that very few people ever are, but this is the internet...we seem to exist primarily for that purpose. I will say this though, it's quite something to open a pack that contains so diverse a group of players. The old days of Sid Breams and Brad Ausmuses have been replaced by three pitchers from Montgomery, Alabama; Kaohsiung City, Taiwan; and Valencia, Venezuela. Nearing the bottom of the pack, I'm hoping for one more big get: and there's Alejandro DeAza, not a big star by any means, but someone I'm increasingly sure will have me cursing his name over the next few years (surprisingly he's 28?) and finally a journeyman/up-and-comer with a really fun name: Ryan Vogelsong. Good to have at least one card that will always remind me how to spell a player's name. And suddenly it's empty, I have a fleeting temptation to run out for another pack (like I used to in my smoking days; I suddenly realize that if there was a baseball-card break at work I'd be a collector again in a heartbeat). Sure I have a glut of questionable talents, but a Matt Kemp, a Derek Jeter and a Tim Lincecum are exciting enough to let me overlook that. I lay the cards out in front of me like I used to. Imagining the variations I could create to make the best possible team. (Unfortunately I don't have a catcher or 3rd baseman to complete the starting 9...all the more reason to get another pack!) But seeing them out there makes me feel like a kid again, jealous and daydreamy and full of excitement. Writing all of this in the middle of an ugly game with the A's doesn't hurt matters either. I'm not the first person to observe that opening a pack of trading cards is an exercise in wild optimism crashing squarely into reality, but I can't help but savor the experience. Yes it's foolish, yes it's childish, but why be a fan if all you want to do is grouse and groan. If you approach the game with nothing but logic and rationality you miss the fun of feeling it. Life's full of disappointments--big and small--baseball's a world where something exciting could happen at any moment, even when you open a pack of trading cards. Those feelings, good and bad beget the little joys of fandom. That's why one of the reasons I've always loved baseball, and why I always will. Click here to view the article

'Tis the season both for overeating and over-analyzing potential Twins transactions. Most of the truly accomplished and respected Twins' bloggers have presented their blueprints for general consumption. They prognosticated quickly, and now, three weeks later, I'm doing the same. But, I do have something to offer which my fellow bloggers do not: a plan that balances a quest for wins with an equally important search: a search for a team fans might once again find interesting! No offense, I know we like to talk about how victories equal ticket sales, but ticket sales also equal payroll and payroll often equals victories...so I thought approaching the problem from an offbeat direction might prove interesting to some (or...okay...just me). Here now, my blueprint for the Twins 2013 offseason[PRBREAK][/PRBREAK] Step 1: Trade Justin Morneau, Denard Span and Alex Burnett to the Pittsburgh Pirates for Neil Walker, Kyle McPherson and Alen Hanson--sign Walker to a four year, $8 Million contract extension. [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-PbTrdUkPX10/SYCi9YTbNlI/AAAAAAAABBI/9Psd2bwy8eY/s200/Lonely+Hits+Club+Band.jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Sargeant Gardy's Lonely Hits Club Band in hapier times[/TD] [/TABLE] Start with the hardest thing I've ever suggested. I love Justin and I love Denard. I've invested considerable hours turning them into ninjas and mounties and an off brand version of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band; but they are pricy, expendable and in need of a chance to win now rather than later. After being baseball's best story through June in 2011, and their best story through July in 2012, the Pirates need to win now too. Combining Denard's lead off skills with Justin's big bat should ease the burden on Andrew McCutchen and make it ease the blow of giving up a young, promising second baseman in Walker who helps solve our middle infield problem. As an added bonus, McPherson's resume resembles the best prospect traded for players like Justin Morneau in the past (Jason Schmidt) and High A ball prospect Alen Hanson may set up a superb left side of the infield with Miguel Sano (he outranks all current Twins SS prospects). While many fans may be turned off by the loss of two more long time Twins players and the addition of several new, unproven guys, I believe the next moves make up for that. Step 2: Sign Brandon McCarthy to a three year, $51 million dollar contract (including a mandated Twitter clause) and Francisco Liriano to a one year/$5 million/5 million sticks of gum contract (total: $5.3 m) [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-q61GCu1eH2Q/UA9My8jgcNI/AAAAAAAACD8/ygZ66s1d1o8/s200/Francisco+Buregard.jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]The man likes gum...[/TD] [/TABLE] Scared as many might be by the return of Francisco Liriano, there should be comfort in the fact that we know what works for Frankie. Given his Target Field success last year (also in a contract year, and with a magical stash of gum), things should be sunshiney (plus we can always trade him again...provided we pay for the gum). Meanwhile McCarthy makes a welcome addition of a solid #2 pitcher ahead of Scott Diamond and one who will be under contract for a considerable length of time (more than might have been suggested before the free agent bucks started flying, but hey we'll take what we can get). The added bonus is that even if concussion issues prevent him from being the player he seemed like he could be in the middle of the season, his social media skillz should help younger Twins players know what to do in order to avoid being too Danny Valencia-ish when they make the bigs. Even if some ignore him, the burgeoning hipster market will be inexorably drawn to each of McCarthy's starts. Step 3: Sign Tony Robbins* to be personal life coach to Liam Hendricks, Luis Perdomo and Brian Dozier (perhaps Kyle Gibson, Anthony Slama and Joe Benson)--1 year $1.8 Million dollars. Problem: The Twins have a lot of players who are excellent in AAA and lousy in the majors. Solution 1: FIRE THEM ALL AND BRING IN FREE AGENTS! Solution 2: Teach them to unleash the power within! (and save money!) [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://ianrobertanderson.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/tony-robbins-unleash-the-power-within-attendee-tips.jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]YOU CAN THROW STRIKES![/TD] [/TABLE] This bit of creative problem solving tries a true moneyball approach to the game. Rather than valuing what our competition values (i.e. talent) we can value something else: mentoring and holistic advice! Thus comes Tony Robbins to convince Messers Hendricks Perdomo et al that they don't need to learn how to master the strike zone, because they already have mastered it! (IN THEIR MINDS!!) *Note: There is a strict: NO FIRE WALK clause in Mr. Robbins' contract [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Ix1FKvl-NVs/SfR6Za78lrI/AAAAAAAABGo/sse2F7wCGAc/s200/Sexbomb.jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Grady Sizemore: You're welcome ladies.[/TD] [/TABLE] Step 4: Sign Grady Sizemore to play RF (1 year $2.5 million). As I understand it, many of the female fans of the Minnesota region appreciate it when the team not only plays well, but is also mildly attractive. Without Justin Morneau and the charming accent of Luke Hughes, Sizemore will help to increase the HQ (Handosmeness Quotient) of the team. I'm open to other solutions here, but the plastic surgery needed to make Anthony Swarzak look like Ryan Gosling is a little steep, and creating Fox Sports North Dudes doesn't solve the outfield problem. So, Sizemore might just be a stop gap until Oswaldo Arcia or Aaron Hicks is ready to go. But until then we can all bask in the awkwardness of this story from the Onion.) Step 5: Decline arbitration for Drew Butera, promote Chris Hermann and sign Jimmy "Mouth of the South" Hart for $150 thousand. Now that Matt Capps (aka "Minnesota Fats Jr." aka "Matt Crapps Shoot" aka "Not Him, Please, Dear God Not Him!") has left the team, it's time to address that other outstanding source of fan vitriol--the boondoggle behind the plate. Rather than let Drew Butera get a raise in arbitration (thus exploding the cerebral cortexes of many fans) I suggest that we let him go, promote minor leaguer Chris Hermann and put the money we save (approximately 150 k) to someone who can radically alter the perception of our catching corps. [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://www.exposay.c...yota-1lE1ba.jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Windbreaker not needed[/TD] [/TABLE] Enter: Jimmy Hart. Those of us who wasted savored our youthful innocence by watching professional wrestling, know that managers in wrestling are even more irrelevant than baseball managers. But! They do provide much needed cache for those they align themselves with. So, if we bring in Jimmy Hart it goes from being "Mauer or Doumit with Hermann for emergencies"to being "The Twin Cities Triumverate" with finishing moves like "Ryan Sauve's Opposite Field Smash!"or "Hermann's Munster Arm!" or "Chairman Mauer's Great Plate Discipline Forward..." (obviously I'm not as good at this as professional wrestling people are. And who knows what kind of drama may unfold. Whose to say that Doumit and Mauer don't turn on each other mid-season on a miscommunicated tag? Or that Herman doesn't take a folding chair to create a sudden case of "bilateral leg weakness"? It will be pure sports entertainment...only with an actual sport. Line up: CF-Revere-$500k 2B-Walker-$2 M C-Mauer-$23 M LF-Willingham-$7 M DH-Doumit-$3.5 M 1B-Parmelee-$500k 3B-Plouffe-$500k RF-Sizemore-$2.5 M SS-Florimon-$500k Subtotal $40 M Bench C-Hermann-$500k IF-Dozier-$500k IF-Carroll-$3.75 M OF-Mastroianni-$500k Subtotal: $5.25 M Rotation #1-Liriano-$5.3 M #2-McCarthy-$17M #3-Diamond-$500k #4-McPherson-$500k #5-Hendricks-$500k Subtotal--$ 23.8 M Bullpen LHP-Robertson $500k LHP-Duensing $1.5 M RHP-Slama $500k RHP-Perdomo $500k RHP-Swarzak $500k SU-Burton $2M CL-Perkins $2.5 M Subtotal-- $8 M Other Nick Blackburn--$5.5 M Jimmy Hart--$150k Tony Robbins $1.8 M Subtotal--$7.45 M TOTAL PAYROLL: $82.05 M From this position we could easily add payroll as needed if we do well, or swap out others (Sizemore, Liriano, Carroll, Willingham, Doumit) if we don't. Most importantly we've got some marketable commodities here to keep the turnstiles turning and keep the fans interested (if not completely excited) and establish Walker and McCarthy as building blocks back to consistent contention in the years ahead. Click here to view the article

Download attachment: Bradley_Michael_dribbling_US_720.jpg So I've been more or less completely consumed with the World Cup this month. Watching every match I can, reading interviews, reports, reviewing highlights, and writing like a maniac. But I still think of baseball (and can prove it with stuff on another blog), perhaps never more clearly than when I was watching a World Cup match with some friends last Thursday. We needed a point against Germany, or some good fortune in another match. Being Minnesota sports fans, we fully anticipated that everything would turn against us at any given moment. As a result, every flaw, every foul, every mistake increased our anxiety and our ire, and nobody got under our skin as much as Michael Bradley. For those who don't know, Bradley is widely believed to be the best American player. A creating midfielder he basically serves as the point guard, distributing, defending, inventing and supporting every aspect of the game. A favorite in European leagues, bigwigs and pundits think that Bradley could easily make every one of the other 31 teams at the World Cup (even intimidating German and Brazilian squads). But that didn't excuse Bradley's lackluster play. He was nowhere in the first match. He gave away the ball that became the equalizing goal against Portugal. And in the final match versus Germany he was sloppy: losing the ball frequently, making clumsy/ineffectual challenges. Suddenly my friends were out for blood. "Bradley, what is wrong with you?!?!" "Bradley gives it away every time, I'm telling you!!!" "God, Bradley, just stop! STOP!!" I couldn't remember the last time I'd heard so many people, so upset, with such a talented athlete. Until I remembered my last trip to Target Field and the shouts at #7...Joe Mauer. "Mauer, what is wrong with you?!?!?" "Mauer grounds out every time, I'm telling you!!!" "God, Mauer, just stop! STOP!!" I sort of assumed it just revolved around the old story: big name, big expectations, minimal delivery, maximum reaction. But there's a little something more to it than that I think. After all, we seem perpetually enamored of other players, even though they certainly have down moments too...why be enraged by Mauer and Bradley and not the others? I think the reason might lie in our selection of heroes. We love the strong, the powerful, the mighty men who never cease to amaze with their offensive exploits: think Harmon Killebrew, Jim Thome and, in the soccer world, Clint Dempsey. We also love the daring, the bold, the unbelievable save-the-day types: Kirby Puckett at the wall, Johan Santana at the end of a losing streak, Tim Howard any time of day. But those two styles of heroes do not match well with either Bradley or Mauer. They won't win things single handedly (either with goals or home runs). They won't save the day (either with sparkling defense/pitching or miraculous goal keeping). They are more like artists than heroes. Doing things that seem unusually beautiful and nearly impossible to quantify. They distribute the ball where it's least expected (either with passes or with spray singles hitting through defensive shifts). They provide a team with a reliable pillar which requires opponents to develop specific plans. They are lauded by many--particularly those who see them at a distance and know their reputation. Sure some artists can also be powerful or save the day (Magic Johnson comes to mind), but if you can't you drop in stature rapidly (looking in your direction Ricky Rubio). Of course there's one big gap between an artistic athlete and a straightforward artist: artists don't need to win anything, athletes always do. So, when an artistic athlete goes from great to average, it's easier to abandon them than hold on to the quietly valuable work of the past. And if they have a run of bad form while the team succeeds in spite of them, fans can get down right angry at the waste of talent who should be making a good team great rather than holding them back. Hating on Mauer and Bradley would be rather like art fans getting pissed when Monet refused to change styles when Seurat and Van Gogh got more experimental, or if moviegoers whined about David Strathairn never getting back to his Oscar nominated potential. Of course, that hate doesn't have to last forever. Every World Cup match brings a new slate of heroes and raft of scapegoats. In the last week alone, Joe Mauer went from washed-up to offensive lynchpin. A weak bit of artistry inspires nothing but frustration, but even the weakest artist is still an artist, and capable of transcendent moments. When those moment comes, I look forward to hearing all the jeers and frustration die away, and for one word to supplant them. One word when Bradley hits Clint Dempsey in perfect stride. One word when Mauer knocks in two with a single to the opposite field. One word, in city/state/nationwide chorus: "YES!" [/hr]Twins ended their losing streak yesterday so celebrate with a half-price L or XL pizza from PapaJohns.com by using the promo code 'TWINSWIN'! Click here to view the article