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Blog Entries posted by PeanutsFromHeaven

  1. PeanutsFromHeaven
    This weekend, baseball returns to the Twin Cities: in OPERA FORM!
     
    "The Fix" is the latest in the Minnesota Opera's long running endeavor to bring new and distinct modern voices to an art form often seen as antiquated. It tells the story of the 1919 Chicago "Black" Sox, who conspired to lose the World Series in exchange for payoffs from a gambling syndicate. It's a dark chapter in the national past time's history, one that claimed the careers of both rookies and veterans, wise souls and dumb kids. It's a great story and boasts a tremendous score, cast, and design.

    But! We Peanuts are discouraged. Sure we love baseball. And yes, we love opera. But why let the White Sox (even the historical type) cruise to victory on Minnesota Opera stages? Why not mount a second baseball opera, one that captures the essence of the Twins themselves with just as much drama and even better connections to the local fan base. We Peanuts have found just the tragic story to tell (albeit with a little dramatic license). With that we propose:
     
    KNOBLAUCH!
    A tragedy in 4 acts
     
    Cast List:
    Chuck Knoblauch (Tenor): Twins Second Baseman
    Kent Hrbek (Bass): Twins First Baseman
    Kirby Puckett (Tenor): Twins Center Fielder
    Jack Morris (Baritone): Twins Pitcher
    Tom Kelly (Baritone): Twins Manager
    Nike (Soprano): Goddess of Victory/Advertising Agent
    George Steinbrenner (Bass): The owner of the New York Yankees
    Derek Jeter (Tenor): Yankees Shortstop
     
    Act 1:
    It is Game 7 of the 1991 World Series at the Metrodome. Members of the Twins (Knoblauch, Hrbek, Puckett, Morris, Kelly, and chorus), sing of the tension, the drama and the hope of the game as it enters the bottom of the 10th and Dan Gladden doubles to lead off the inning. Chuck Knoblauch returns to the dugout after bunting Gladden along and laments that his best contribution in this pivotal game would be just a bunt. At this moment, Nike enters to offer Knoblauch a vision of the future. As she sings, she paints him a picture of the future where he is a great player, an all-star, a local legend, (and the recipient of a lucrative endorsement with a sports apparel brand that shall remain nameless). However, he can only have this if he is willing to suffer with the team and the fans. As the winning run scores, Knoblauch agrees to the deal.
     
    Act 2:
    July 1997, Knoblauch enters the clubhouse alone and rages at the emptiness. The team has lost again and his patience is running thin. In the show's central aria he sings of his despair as fleeting images appear before him and the audience. He mourns his ailing father, remembering and mimicking a game of catch long past. His memories take him through the farewell songs and cheers for teammates past (Puckett, Morris, Hrbek). He cannot understand the love and support they receive despite their failings (on the field and off) while he carries on alone. Desperate, he cries out to Nike to release him from his pledge, to let him feel joy on the field again, and to bless him with the chance to play for a winning team. Nike appears to take mercy on him, but warns him of the consequences: his play will decline, his status will fade, and he will lose his legendary status if he leaves now before the vision comes to pass. Unable to take it anymore, Knoblauch pleads to be released from his bonds, and is granted them in the form of a Yankees jersey.
     
    Act 3:
    September 2000. Knoblauch is surrounded by indifferent fans at Yankee Stadium. They pass by him without a glance, singing praises for Derek Jeter, and occasional laments that there is no one better to play with him in the infield. Stung by this dismissal, Knoblauch addresses George Steinbrenner, requesting reassurance, but Steinbrenner insults him and moves on. Adrift and unsure, Knoblauch calls out again for Nike, but she is seen at a distance singing a love duet about Derek Jeter (with Derek Jeter), both of them ignore Knoblauch's increasing frenzy and fear until he cannot sing any more due to a case of hiccoughs. Silenced, Knoblauch picks up a ball to play catch, but that too betrays him, his throw going wildly afield
     
    http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-YVPRsJqJqNQ/TuZI744iVkI/AAAAAAAABkg/ixRcqAq5CWU/s320/kelly+befriends+chuck.jpg
    Act 4:
    May 2 2001: Returning to the Metrodome field 10 years after we last saw it, Knoblauch hears the echoes of his old rage, but directed at him from the chorus in the bleachers. He stands alone in Left Field singing a quiet song of isolation and annoyance as garbage, batteries, and hot dogs surround him. Tom Kelly briefly appears to offer him condolences, but Knoblauch only wishes fans would get over it as the garbage builds to his knees. Nike appears, on her way to sing to Jeter, and reminds Knoblauch of the promise he broke to her. Knoblauch scoffs, certain that he'd never have had support as the garbage reaches his waist. Nike provides him with a final vision: another title, the jeers turned to cheers, a statute of him by a new stadium as the young players drafted during bad years come of age, with Knoblauch as their mentor. Nike leaves him as the garbage continues to pile up and Knoblauch defiantly declares his strength until he is tragically buried in dollar dogs.
     
    CURTAIN
  2. PeanutsFromHeaven
    On perhaps the most beautiful day Minnesotans have seen in 2016, fans of the local ball club were treated to sunshine, cold beer and a dream-like state in which, we we had gone almost 48 whole hours without a loss.
     
    But still there was unrest, muttering and snarls at the young hitters. "NOT A HOME RUN, MAUER!" when the resurgent catcher ripped a screamer up the middle, straight into a second baseman's glove. "SWING THE BAT, BIG BOY!" when Miguel Sano spat on border line pitch after border line pitch. "ARCIA, WHAT ARE YOU EVEN...I JUST...UGH...." they bemoaned and the erstwhile fan favorite.
     
    http://m.mlb.com/assets/images/8/8/2/172743882/cuts/park1280_yeax036g_rri9vzni.jpg
    Somewhere, I like to think that the newest target of fan abuse, Korean slugger Byung-Ho Park, was blissfully unaware of the groans and ignorant remarks about him. ("He don't speak any English," and "Bung-hole" were two particular gems.) I like to think, even though I speak no Korean and have know way of knowing for sure, that there are things he feels that he cannot say, thoughts and ideas lost in translation.
     
    Mercifully, one large thing not lost in translation is this power.
     
    After celebrating with teammates, in the approved, high-fiving, helmet-slapping way, Park was left alone with his thoughts. His pride. The honor of being able to play at the highest level. His new friends and the cheers of the people so far from home.
     
    All too suddenly, the reporters were there to squeeze into strange and foreign words all the personal feelings of the moment. How did he feel about this bomb?...like a gentle zephyr had caught hold of his heart, like he was buoyant, airborne, "the wind is back," he smiled...
     
    ...and his interpreter explained "the wind was blowing out."
     
    How did it feel to win again? Of course it felt good, but better than good: "affirming, invigorating, as though the storm clouds of our souls have been broken apart, and the rain drop tears of fans have stopped, and now we make the beautiful music of bat, and ball, and glove and tong-il a unification and coherence of all the team..."

    Korea's Reunification Arch
     
    ...and his interpreter explained "it feels good, yesterday we broke the losing streak, today it's a two game winning streak. It feels good to hear music again."
     
    The reporters smiled, Park smiled, the translator smiled.
     
    Words may vanish like gossamer in the summer air, but the memories of this home run would last for everyone, and perhaps that's the true poetry.
  3. PeanutsFromHeaven
    For the last week a great many Twins fans have been fiercely debating the fate of top prospect Byron Buxton. As the most prominent minor leaguer for the local nine since Joe Mauer, Buxton has been tremendously appealing to fans from Apple Valley to Zumbrota, particularly as the Twins scramble to hold on to one of the AL Wild Cards.
     
    Yet Twins Territory has been torn between demanding Buxton's arrival and ascendancy to greatness, and hedging in the name of cautious player development.
     
    It may seem that these two camps are irreconcilable, but I think they're just focused on two different questions, like each camp picked a different essay question on the Twins fan final exam.
     
    So, as we get ready to start the school year in Minnesota, here's a quick refresher on how to answer all the questions about Byron Buxton.
     
     
    It's all about him...
    1 Who/What/When/Where/How is Byron Buxton?
     
    Identification questions--these are the things you can Google and answers are clearly right and wrong: (ex. A's A baseball player; a human being; the present era; Rochester, New York; pretty good, thanks for asking?)
     
    2 Could/Can Buxton play Centerfield in the majors?
     
    Hypothetical Evaluation questions--should be simple, with yes/no/maybe all viable based on specific known evidence: (ex. A's Yes, he can, because has all his appendages; No, he can't, two weeks of below average play shows he stinks; Maybe he can, because the world is a complex and unknowable place)
     
    3 Might the Twins be making a mistake, by not playing Buxton?
     
    Speculative Evaluation question--like a hypothetical question there's the yes/no/maybe answer but your evidence can be what you predict will happen than what you know from the past. (Ex A's. Yes, they will never succeed without Buxton; no, a season is more than one player; maybe, assuming the apocalypse doesn't happen first).
     
    4 Why isn't Byron Buxton playing/starting with the Twins?
     
    Basic Analytical question--the answers are infinite, you only need some evidence to cite and arguments to support: (ex. A's The Twins aren't playing him because they are dum-dums who ignore minor league production; ...because they are evil geniuses who have a memo titled "Destroying Buxton"; ...because they are a cautious team who promote players slowly.)
     
    5 Should Byron Buxton be starting in the Twins outfield?
     
    Basic Argumentative question--Pretty direct, another one that can be answered with yes/no/maybe, but unlike the analytical question this depends more on your opinion rather than provable facts. (Ex. A's--yes, he is awesome; no, he has flaws that need more time at AAA; maybe, I'm too confused by Donald Trump's immigration plan to concentrate)
     
    6 If the Twins call Buxton up, will/would he start/improve individually/help the team win?
     
    Advanced Analytical question--you still need to analyze the Twins, their system and methods, but it's based on more limited conditions, so your evidence needs to be based on a specific situation and your answers are more likely to fit the yes/no/maybe camp. (Ex. A's yes, they respect performance and Buxton will perform well; no, they respect historical performance, so they may push him to a fourth or even fifth outfielder role; maybe, they don't normally push prospects, but Sano's success may have changed them)
     
    7 Should the Twins call up Buxton, if they think he won't be starting/improving/helping?
     
    Advanced Argumentative question--Here's the core question, but too often the second half (which limits your evidence to a specific condition, even if you disagree) is ignored. You can answer yes/no/maybe again but you need to keep your argument clear. (Ex A's. Yes, every major league experience will help; no, the limited time will slow down his progress and hurt our relationship with Rochester; maybe, every player is different and you won't know until you try)
     
    There you go. As the debates continue use these guides to answer questions, or tear the suggestions up and shout at the top of your lungs...that seems to work elsewhere.
  4. PeanutsFromHeaven
    It has not been an easy last two weeks for our Adopted Prospect: Mr. Jon Tiberius Chargois (okay it's Jon Thomas...but give me some nerd slack). He had his worst outing of the year giving up 6 earned runs on three walks and three hits, and the breezy dominance that made Chargois a Florida State League All-Star seems like a distant memory compared to his current form.
     
    And yet, this weekend, as the Twins got snake bitten (again) by the Yankees and their complicated, record-book busting (again) DH Alex Rodriguez, I found myself eagerly turning away from the superlative performances of A-Rod at Target Field, to the minor league box scores for word of Chargois.
     
    It may seem like a silly comparison: Alex Rodriguez, love him or hate him, will go down in the annals of baseball history; JT Chargois will be in this odd little corner of cyber space...but probably, not much else. And while the part of me that loves athletic excellence is inclined to see the very best players do their very best work, a much larger part of me wants to cheer for Chargois much MUCH more than A-Rod.
     
    The reasons I care more about a AA reliever than the fourth most prestigious home run hitter in baseball doesn't depend on the history of a rivalry, or the fact that one is paid by Minnesota billionaires and the other is paid by New York billionaires. It comes back to the fact that Sports is the rare entertainment that demands honesty.
     
    Other entertainments live on the other side of truth. Movies and books are fictional. Music and even visual arts (painting and sculpture) are as much about what people (and record companies) know will sell, rather than purely what people have lived or feel.
     
    But sports demands honesty. Do your best, play fair, and may the best team win. Do that, and we'll root, root, root for the rest of our lives.
    http://assets.nydailynews.com/polopoly_fs/1.2304428.1437876619!/img/httpImage/image.jpg_gen/derivatives/article_635/481977172.jpg
    Therein lies the problem. A-Rod is fundamentally dishonest: he didn't trust his best to be good enough, he didn't play fairly with those who stayed clean, and he tried to rig the game so his team would be better than the best.
     
    No question, A-Rod is entertaining, powerful and impressive (even more so on PEDs). But that was a fiction. He insisted he was legitimate twice, once while using and once after getting caught in two more moments of dishonesty. If he was a pro-wrestler, or doing some crazy in-depth performance art it could be strangely intriguing, but instead it's just fake, false and infuriating to watch.
     
    That's why I like a middling AA prospect and can't stand one of the best power-hitters in over a century of baseball. Because JT Chargois is not perfect and makes no pretenses about it. His scuffles at AA are part of the game, an honest failure, just as his run of scoreless innings from April to June was an honest success.
     
    I don't like Alex Rodriguez. I don't wish him ill. I don't hope he suffers. I just wish he were more like JT Chargois.
  5. PeanutsFromHeaven
    Though the Twins' offense has struggled to generate many runs in the month of June, their tremendous success in May and the method of their outburst against the White Sox yesterday reminds us all of what has worked for the team all year: Hit Clusters.
     
    Now, the Twins, along with local business partners in the breakfast cereal industry are out to share the secret of their winning ways with the populace at large in this new advertisement for a special Twins Centric Cereal!
     
    [Our first shot is of Twins clubhouse where a dejected looking Kennys Vargas and Byron Buxton sit at the team breakfast table]
     
    Kennys: It isn't easy to be a big leaguer...
     
    Byron: Yeah, and you'd think they'd be able to afford something better than simple toast for us too...
     
    [Brian Dozier enters, with a big smile and, if possible, animated unicorns and ninjas]
     
    Brian: Are you guys tired of your boring breakfasts and wishing you could score more runs?!?
     
    Kennys: That is literally what we were just saying.
     
    Brian: Try HIT CLUSTER CEREAL! A joint venture of the Minnesota Twins, General Mills, and Malt o Meal! The official Cluster-Based Cereal of the Minnesota Twins!!
    http://www.350sweets.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/whitchocclusters2.jpg
     
    Byron: Do we have an Official Non-Cluster-Based Cereal?
     
    Brian: Don't change the subject Rookie!! HIT CLUSTER CEREAL contains all the valuable nutrients you need to connect hits together for a big inning!!
     
    [A series of other smiling Twins players appear with the cereal]
     
    Torii Hunter: It's got Single Almonds!
     
    Trevor Plouffe: It's got Double Granola Granules!!
     
    Eddie Rosario: It's got Triple Fiber Flakes!!!
     
    Brian Dozier: Not to mention Home Run Flavor!!!!
     
    Joe Mauer: Sometimes, when I really want to cut loose, I even have some with vitamin rich Milk.
     
    Torii: For the last time Joe, don't flaunt your decadent party life style in front of the kids!
     
    Joe: Sorry...
     
    Brian: C'mon Guys! Try a bite!!
     
    Kennys: Wow! That taste sure comes through in the clutch!
     
    [All the Twins Laugh heartily before the final Voice Over]
     
    VOICE OVER: Hit Cluster Cereal is available for a limited time only, and is part of a balanced breakfast with other great Official Minnesota Twins foodstuffs like "Base on Balls Bread" and "Orange (You Glad We're Facing White Sox Pitchers) Juice"
  6. PeanutsFromHeaven
    Many of you may be looking at the Twins roster for opening day and wondering: "where the hell are the prospects?"
     
    Sure, we've been told again and again that we're about to get a huge influx of talent. And sure, we've been told that the children are our future. But the young players coming north: Danny Santana, Kennys Vargas, Oswaldo Arcia, Kyle Gibson...we've seen them all before...and the people we haven't seen: Blaine Boyer? Kurt Suzuki? Tim Stauffer? Are not the world changing prospects we've been asked to bank on.
     
    So, you may be a little frustrated. I'm a little frustrated. Until I realized that this is all part of Terry Ryan's Secret Plan.
     
    We at Peanuts from Heaven have found a secret ad written, directed and produced by Terry Ryan. What follows is a transcript of that ad.
     
     
    TWINS SECRET COMMERCIAL
     
    http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-sHUQsYurfT8/VRsVnQZM0oI/AAAAAAAADHA/325H98WUK7c/s1600/SaneTerry.jpg
    [Ext. Day, Terry Ryan, wearing a completely respectable suit is walking toward the camera from Right Field]
     
     
    SANE TERRY. Hi. I'm Sane Terry, from Sane Terry's House of Fiscally Viable Veterans here with totally reasonable deals on all your veteran baseball player needs.
     
     
     
    [Cut to. Int. Twins Clubhouse, Sane Terry walks past empty lockers]
     
    SANE TERRY. For years, the Minnesota Twins have been giving the aging and seemingly ineffective baseball players of America a chance to hit rock bottom. Once they do that, they are ripe for the picking...your picking.
     
     
     
    [Cut to. Close Up, Terry Ryan turned to face new camera]
     
    SANE TERRY. Are you a team with six valid starting pitchers? Why not trade for one of our many rotation candidates as insurance in case of injury, theft, or spontaneous combustion?
     
     
     
    [Cut to. Opposite angle Terry Ryan turned to face new camera]
     
    SANE TERRY. Are you a team who wishes their young players could learn from a cautionary example? Why not trade for one of our jaded-former-prospects whose shattered dreams has left them a shell of their former selves?
     
     
     
    [Cut to. Original Angle Terry Ryan turned to face new camera]
     
    SANE TERRY. You can get all your valuable veterans for low, low prices. Just ask these satisfied customers.
     
     
     
    [Cut to Neal Huntington smiling in front of PNC Park in Pittsburgh]
     
    HUNTINGTON. Our team used to be a joke, but once we just started picking Terry's discarded pitchers off the scrap heap, we had all the support we could ever need!
     
     
    [Cut to Buck Showalter at the dugout railing of Camden Yards]
    SHOWALTER. If someone has "former-Twin" on their resume, you can bet that they'll be a below-average starter, but an irrationally great resource for your post season run! Thanks to Sane Terry, I might not be fired right before my team wins the World Series!
     
    [Cut to Sane Terry reclining in his office at Target Field, the camera takes in a view of the field]
    SANE TERRY. We know you can get brand new ballplayers from many sources. But Crazy Billy's Coliseum of Deals always seems to have ulterior motives, and the next Miami Marlins Fire Sale isn't scheduled until November 2016, so why not come on down to Sane Terry's House of Fiscally Viable Veterans and see what we have on offer?
     
    [Cut to, reverse Angle, the camera takes in a view of the hallway]
    SANE TERRY. You don't have to give up the farm, just a young kid with upside, or downside, or cash...we like cash. And we like to give these veteran ball players a new lease on life. That's why we'll always have them on the roster, and always have them available, because that's what made us successful all these years.
     
    ANONYMOUS INTERN [While walking by Terry's door]. Huh? What do you mean? We haven't been successful. And the older players rarely if ever help us. And when we trade them we almost never get anything of value.
     
    SANE TERRY. Well, you know what they say, "the definition of sanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result."
     
    ANONYMOUS INTERN. Actually I think that's the definition of insanity.
     
    SANE TERRY. Ha. Ha. If that were true, I would be Crazy Terry...and I am clearly Sane Terry. It says so on this ad.
     
    ANONYMOUS INTERN. What ad? And who are you talking to?
     
    SANE TERRY. Sane Terry's House of Fiscally Viable Veterans. Call now and get Mike Pelfry right before he finalizes his deal with the devil for one more good season.
     
    [Fin.]
  7. PeanutsFromHeaven

    My First Game

    By PeanutsFromHeaven,

    It's strange to say for someone who has written this blog for nearly seven years, but I've never written in depth about my first Twins game. But I have a good reason for that.
     
    I don't really remember it.
     
    I've tried to. I've imagined Kirby Puckett legging out a triple. I wishfully think that it was the Orioles so I can say that I saw Cal Ripken in the midst of his streak.
     
    But I just don't remember it. Not the day. Not the year. Not the opponent. Not the outcome.
     
    But I remember my grandfather, the man who took me there.
     
    I remember coming to Minneapolis from Montana, over a single long day's drive. And knowing it we had made it, when I could see the lights on the porch and hear the game on the radio.
     
    I remember sitting on a porch swing on summer mornings looking over the box scores with him as he sipped his coffee in an old robe and I peppered him with question after question.
     
    I remember holding his hand and walking down the Metrodome's concrete steps to our seats.
     
    I remember him point to the turf, and the bases, to see if I was following along, and joining in the "Noooo Smoking at the Metrodome".
     
    http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/21U64pZLN9L.jpg
    I remember him bringing me a swirled sundae in a Twins helmet cup and smiling kindly as the sundae ended up half in my mouth and half on my shirt.
     
    I remember his kind questions, "did you like it?", "who was your favorite player?", "what was your favorite moment?"
     
    I remember him happily lobbing underhand whiffle balls to my brothers and me, when we asked to play in the front yard that night and many other nights there after.
     
    In the years that followed we didn't always go to Twins games, we out grew whiffle ball, and I actually became an adroit helmet sundae eater. But he still asked his questions while he sat in his barcalounger and I sat on the sofa beside him.
     
    He still poured over box scores with the morning paper, and watched, and listened and read whenever he could. He had opinions about who was doing well, and how the old players compared and he shared them with me regularly.
     
    We talked about Paul Molitor getting hired and remembered seeing him in downtown Minneapolis when I was a boy. We talked about Tony O missing the hall of fame again and how he used to watch the batting practice bombs. We talked about how he was convinced that my college friend should become my wife the moment he found out she was a singer with season tickets.
     
    He passed away yesterday morning, after beating back cancer for longer than the doctors had thought he could. I knew he was tough, I knew he was proud, but when he passed I could only think about how kind he was and how happy he must have been with family around him, singing and sharing their love.
     
    Just like he shared the game, and a sundae, and his hand with me.
     
    Whatever day it was.
  8. PeanutsFromHeaven
    In the spirit of the New Year, we have 15 New Years Resolutions to offer for 15 key parts of Twins Territory.
     
    The resolutions are available in our New Gallery Album "Resolutions"...which hopefully will turn up as part of this post
     
    Any additions you want to make, or suggestions for how to make these resolutions more attainable are always welcome.
  9. PeanutsFromHeaven
    He's back. Torii Hunter is back, and in the 7 hours of his official presence in a Twins line-up again there are two clear camps in response to his return.
     
     
    In the blue corner, weighing in at 140 characters, 140,000 grey hairs in the last four seasons and 140 million liters of digital ink are the analytically minded, podcast savvy, SABR-metrical, writers, critics and yes...fans who wonder what the heck the Pohlad's were thinking.
     
    "This is not the Torii Hunter we fell in love with," they remind readers, listeners, viewers and random passers-by.
     
    http://twinsphotog.files.wordpress.com/2014/11/abc_0074.jpg?w=224&h=176&crop=1He is not the defensive wunderkind we saw steal homers from Barry Bonds, he's not even the workman-like defender we saw handle Eduardo Escobar pop outs in Anaheim and Detroit. He has struggled lately, and one thing the Twins outfield does not want for is corner outfielders who struggle defensively (see: Arcia, Oswaldo; Willingham, Josh; Nunez, Eduardo Freaking)
     
    The Torii we came to know and love was prone to gaps in his approach at the plate, always good but never quite great. While that also changed in the years he was away, 39 year-old Torii may not be able to maintain that production. And as younger talents vie for playing time, the curious sight of an aging corner outfielder with declining production and defensive value getting constant playing time and clinging to his no-trade clause becomes all the more questionable.
     
    This is not the mega-watt smiling, do-no-wrong, clubhouse hero either. One afternoon worth of press coverage seemed to confirm that. Claiming that "whoever believes in that SABR-metric stuff never played the game" (despite the successful A's GM/former first round draft pick/former Minnesota Twin Billy Beane being a leader in the field) did not allay the fears of the analytically minded writers in the room and at home. Hunter then proceeded to call Mike Bernadino of the Pioneer Press, "a prick" four times, because Bernadino asked about how his opposition to gay marriage may have affected his free agency and may yet affect his leadership. Only Kris Humphries had a shorter honeymoon.
     
    So, says the camp in the blue corner, "this is not the Torii Hunter we fell in love with." Defensively, offensively, socially: it's different now. But there is another side to this.
     
    In the red corner, weighing in at $221 million dollars in revenue, 73,000 household wide television audience, and four straight 90 loss seasons is the Twins front office who wonder "what the heck's the problem?"
     
    Loathe as we writers may be to admit it, the front office can see and know these issues. They may not believe in defensive metrics, but they know a 39-year-old outfielder is going to be less effective than the 32-year-old they last had in uniform. They may not project many stat-lines, but they saw enough of Jim Thome (not to mention Tony Batista, Shannon Stewart, and Dave Winfield) to know that a 39-year-old hitter isn't a 32-year-old hitter. And while Hunter's not keen to talk about his beliefs, the ownership isn't exactly shy about theirs (leading the list of contributors to the anti-gay marriage amendment in 2012).
    http://twinsphotog.files.wordpress.com/2014/11/hlf070426217.jpg?w=211&h=265&crop=1 Heck, they'd probably take mummified
    Torii Hunter
    The Twins brass knows that this is not the old Torii Hunter, and they do not care, they want this Torii Hunter.
     
    Bear in mind, the Twins are not just in the business of fielding a winning baseball team, they're in the business of making money. To be sure, the best teams make the most money, but even the worst teams can make some.
     
    If you're a business and you know your most loyal customers will come back again and again even when they are dumbstruck and aghast at your decision making, you know that you can make "dumb" and "ghastly" decisions again and again. Their opinion doesn't matter. They'll keep coming--even if only to complain.
     
    What matters is the undecided, the ambivalent, the apathetic customers, ones that you may have lost in the lean years and can bring back (even briefly now). Last year the biggest crowd at Target Field (36,952 to watch the Yankees on July 4th) wouldn't have been in the top 8 home crowds of the 2013 season--when the team was even worse. Sure a great team would solve that problem, but we aren't going to get a great team over night, so let's appreciate what we can have: a beloved local legend on a farewell tour (you saw the crowds for Jeter/Rivera? Torii might only get a tenth of that...but that's a lot better than the Twins have drawn recently).
     
    And even if you don't see this as a cold, callous and calculated business decision, you can appreciate it as a comfortable move at a time of great uncertainty. There's a new manager, a bevy of new talent in the wings, the team is in flux and adding one familiar face, beloved by the front office, admired by the layman fan base, is a way to ease the transition from one regime to the next.
     
    You may not believe the "clubhouse leadership" lines, you may not buy the "mentorship" lines, but what you buy and what you don't is moot now. The Twins bought Torii Hunter 2014, not 2011 or 2007, and they wanted to do that. If it fails, it fails, but if it excites a few absentee fans, if it eases the transition and if it supports the next generation of outfielders, then it's worth it.
     
    Call it Twins Teri-Torii, call him Torii-Wan Kenobi, but above all else, call it what it is. A decision that was made (past tense), as fiercely as we may fight about it, argue about it and debate it, the results won't be known until next spring and summer. (Even then since the arguments are being made in different directions, there not be a winner. Maybe Tori'll be terrible and bring in fans/make the clubhouse brighter, or maybe he'll be great on the field and as insignificant as Jason Bartlett in the annals of Twins reunions gone by. We can all be right, we can all be wrong!)
  10. PeanutsFromHeaven
    A year ago I offered an alternative statistic for measuring player worth--not in wins/losses, but in the far more useful field of entertaining the fan base: Amusement Above Replacement Player (AARP) for short. The statistic is measured in five key categories on a scale of -2 to +2,
    Play:
    Nickname:
    Physical Traits:
    Personality/Demeanor:
    Oddities:

    When added up, these statistics gives us a total AARP somewhere between -10 and +10.
     
    Last year, even by the totally made up AARP statistic, the Twins Pitchers were an abysmal crew to watch, the four most notable starters (Vance Worley, Liam Hendricks, Kevin Correia and Samuel Deduno) registered a total 3.9, and none of them will factor for the Twins going forward. While the relievers were more consistently positive, there was some upheaveal there too.
     
    So how did the Twins pitchers fare this year?
     
    Well, on the field, still not great, but AARP doesn't just measure on the field performance it measures off the field personality and general likeab-ility/fan value, and in that category there are both some sizable gains and some serious problems going into next year.
     
    Pitcher AARP (by Innings pitched)
     
    http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-C83eo0aqaoY/UUZ-vejCmRI/AAAAAAAACHI/7Kte_ti1EqQ/s1600/DiscoDuensing.jpg
    Still trying to popularize You Make Me Feel Like "Duensing"
    Brian Duensing--I have a soft spot for Dozier (what with the similar majors in college and the appreciation for the near impossible job he had starting an elimination playoff game). But the days of the "Duenslinger" shirts at Target Field are pretty far gone, and his peripheral numbers dropped significantly. AARP: 0.5 (Down -0.1 from last year, play didn't help, off field work did)
     
     
    Glen Perkins--Perk remains the jolt of life in the Twins bullpen, the local guy who engages with friends and foes alike. While an injury down the stretch cost him the end of the season (and the team a couple of games) he did have possibly the best moment of the year when he and Kurt Suzuki closed out the All-Star Game AARP: 3.6 (Up +1.2 with gains in every category--even nicknames are easier to go with now)
     
    Casey Fien--Increasingly the Twins most reliable set-up man, which is a double-edged sword. Nice, appreciated but by no means interesting. If he grew a Snidely Wiplash mustache my nickname of "Dastardly Fien" would be easier to make popular. AARP: 0.6
    Jared Burton--There was once a time when Jared Burton and Glen Perkins were dueling for the hearts and minds of Twins fans in the race to remove Matt Capps. Now he's just kind of there... AARP: -0.2
    Anthony Swarzak--We'll always love the "Swarzak" Duck quack, especially as he returns to the spot starter role that suits him so well. And while FIP suggests he's better than his ERA, his soft tossing no strike out mentality continues to remind fans of the things they never liked in Twins pitching gone by. AARP: 1.1 (Up +0.5 for both the play and greater appreciation of the "Swarzak!" Quack)
     
    http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qEu1L9GI8LY/UzlzKeTKLcI/AAAAAAAACTY/vaYtFJ2O1w0/s1600/tumblr_n293ufpNKY1t1lw1qo1_400.jpg
    The Old Nolasco Propaganda
    Ricky Nolasco--at the start of the season I saw Ricky Nolasco's twitter feed as a sign that he was going to be an energizing force for the team. Instead he turned into both exciting and confusing, less exclamation mark than Interrobang (‽). Though on the plus side, that's his new nickname as far as I'm concerned. AARP: 1.2
    Kyle Gibson--Yes, Kyle Gibson has the second most innings pitched in Twins territory this year. And while he was certainly serviceable, he was by no means the most amazing thing on the mound. And while tolerable is a step up for Twins pitchers, it's a long way from exciting. AARP: 0.7
     
    Phil Hughes--Ahh Phil Hughes, for every amazing, dumbfounding, refusing to walk a batter performance that Phil Hughes had this year, he also had a "meh" post game quotation to go with it. And while we love any body who can set a pitching record in a Twins uniform (or at least a good record), we'd love a little more personality (we cannot confirm claims he mocked Brian Duensing on Twitter, but can confirm that he has a good enough personality to wear a silly mustache and honestly admit his own failings). AARP: 2.6
     
     
    By the lofty standards of AARP you need something above a 5.0 to be a nationally relevant player, and no Twins pitcher is anywhere close to that. BUT, Glen Perkins and Phil Hughes make for a solid combination every fifth day, and if Ricky Nolasco does in fact start using the Interrobang on a daily basis we may be in business.
     
    Tomorrow I'll post thoughts on the hitters, but in the mean time:
     
    Wonder how the AARP stat got started? Want to give your own AARP numbers or question my methods? ...leave a note in comments, or just yell at your computer screen really loudly...I can totally hear it.
  11. PeanutsFromHeaven
    Here's the truth. Both of us peanuts love Ron Gardenhire. We know that we're in the minority there...especially after the last four years...but c'mon, he looks like a little garden gnome. He's ADORABLE!
     
    Seriously though, thank you for the support you provided and the lack of lawsuits you threw our way Gardy. You're a cool dude.
     
    But now our attention turns to the real focus of the hour. Who will replace Gardy on the top of the Twins dugout step?
    http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v289/pammyb20/jeUmEPao.jpg Maybe without the glove...
    Right now the fan base seems split into two camps:
    1--Someone in house who can carry on the "Twins Way" and maintain the loyal, disciplined, do the little things right mentality that helped Kelly and Gardenhire lead the Twins to seven more postseasons than they ever had before. (More postseason berths helped that too.)
    2--Someone from outside the organization who can provide a fresh perspective, a new way of doing things and maybe, just maybe, EVEN MORE POST SEASON WINS!!
     
    But why not split the difference and choose someone who has been loyal and integrated in the Twins for the last fifty-or-so years, AND is not yet part of the organization? Someone who knows "The Twins Way" AND can approach problems in a way that no manager has ever done before?
     
    That's why my pick to be the next Twins manager is...MY MOM!!
     
    Yes, I think my mother should be the next Twins manager and before you scoff, allow me to deliver the following points in her favor.
    http://www.foxsports.com/content/dam/fsdigital/fscom/other/Images/2013/12/27/122713-FOX-SPORTS-North-Girls-HF-PI-2.jpg I'm sorry, I'm sure you're nice people
    But what what if there was a girl...RUNNING things
    Hiring her would give young female fans something to aspire and relate to OTHER than being a Fox Sports North Girl. [Nothing wrong with the girls, but rather than having the broadcast focus on appearances and introductions, focusing on a woman's strategy, intelligence and involvement with the on-field action]
    She's a life-long Twins fan, a former member of the knot-hole gang in Bloomington, homer-hanky waver from Montana, and loyal knitter/shouter from her current home in Minneapolis.
    She has over three decades of experience tending to unruly boys who don't know what's best for them
    She's an excellent cook (so the Pohlad's can save on wasteful post game spreads in lieu of post game potlucks!)
    She has better nicknames for players than most managers do, and can lead rally-chants like "Mientkiewicz, Mientkiewicz, Make me a Sandwich!"...which will be particularly useful if Douggie M. is her Bench coach.
    She is wise enough to tell players after critical errors: "Don't do that!" in the kind of stern, but loving tone that players will definitely respond to. (Honestly, I'm sure Oswaldo Arcia can cut down on his strike outs just by hearing her reprimand him like a mom)
    She speaks French which is kind of like Spanish...
    She knows enough social media to engage with fans, but not so much that she would get distracted (unlike Ozzie Guillen)
    She's a state championship knitter, which would be killer at charity auctions and events ("Bid on this award winning sweater from the Twins manager")
    She's an excellent Mezzo-Soprano, so our national anthems will forever be on pitch!
    She's working to understand SABR-metric statistics, but still appreciates a good RBI.

    I know that many will prefer to debate the merits of Manny Acta versus Terry Steinbach, and others will say that managers don't make much difference anyway...but I don't care. I'm fully on board with this.
     
    MY MOM FOR TWINS MANAGER!!
  12. PeanutsFromHeaven
    You would be forgiven for assuming that this last week's worth of games did not matter. That things were irrelevant, unneccessary and wholly ornamental (well...for everyone but the Tigers).
     
    But the truth is that these games have proven that we have good news in town again, a champion, a victor, a bonafide winner!
     
    And that winner...is me. Yay for me!
     
    Yes, all you loyal readers out there (which blogger seems to think is in the 1,000 range and I know is much closer to the 1.000 range), I have won something, because the Twins (in turn) won something!
     
    With their victory last night over the Detroit Tigers I have triumphed over both my wife (and fellow blogger) and my father-in-law to accurately predict that the Twins would win about 70-71 games this year
    http://a.espncdn.com/media/motion/2014/0927/dm_140927_mlb_twins_tigers/dm_140927_mlb_twins_tigers.jpg
    YAY! Someone we've never met has won a prize for doing nothing
    more than making a slightly more accurate guess than other people!
    YAAY, MR. PEANUT!!
    Are we contenders again? No. Are we bound for the world series again? No. But are we happy? Well...I am...and since this America, nothing else really matters, now does it?
     
    Clearly, the Twins did this to thank me for my years of selfless blogging on their behalf. My positive attitude and enthusiasm (even during the Blackbrun/Nishioka days). Still, it was a team effort, with a host of victories being tallied courtesy of a surprisingly strong Eduardo Escobar (justifying the love I gave him back when he used Grease as his walk up music), an unusually potent second baseman, a bullpen that didn't struggle until recently, and Phil Hughes' New Years resolution to give up walking people.
     
    However, clearly the most important person was me, which is why I've been saying that "I" won, rather than "we" won. Although, to be true to myself, it seems only right that I offer the Twins a sip of my scotch. So come on over, Ricky Nolasco! Come on over, Oswaldo Arcia! Come on over, Kyle Gibson and Anthony Swarzak, Ryan Pressley and Brian Duensing, Kurt Suzuki and Trevor Plouffe, Danny Santana, and Kennys Vargas (assuming you're actually old enough to drink), you can even come on over, Joe Mauer: The Drinks are on Me! (Or more accurately, my wife and father-in-law who graciously don't see this as bragging!)
     
    And now the only question is--Balvenie Portwood, or Laphroig 25?
    http://spiritedgifts.com/media/catalog/product/cache/1/image/9df78eab33525d08d6e5fb8d27136e95/4/0/4057d.jpghttp://www.sgwhisky.com/blog/images/stories/blog-images/Singapore-Whisky-Balvenie-21.JPG
     
    Tell you what Twins, if you turn up (and are willing to pay) we can have both! After all, we (by which I mean I) earned it.
  13. PeanutsFromHeaven
    Most of the wise and trusted Twins blogs have noted that while the team's current offense, to put it politely, sucks harder than a Super Powered Hoover. Yet, they say, help is on the way from the prospect ranks--even if many of them are currently injured.
    http://cdn1.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_image/image/36315418/452114082.0_standard_352.0.jpg That's a big but...
    However, all that hope for the future comes with a caveat as big as Kenny Vargas' backside. To wit: most of the good hitters are not terribly athletic and have serious questions about their defense. Sure we may have boppers, but what do you do with a team that has nine potential designated hitters?
     
    The obvious answer is just to designate a bunch more positions and let a whole raft of back up people hit. Creating a roster (around 2016 that looks like this)
     
    C-Kurt Suzuki
    1B--Joe Mauer
    2B--Brian Dozier
    SS--Danny Santana
    3B--Miguel Sano
    LF--Eddie Rosario
    CF--Byron Buxton
    RF--Aaron Hicks
    Pitcher--Anything with an arm...heck a slot machine will do.
    Designated Hitter--Kenny Vargas
    Designated Hitting Catcher--Josmil Pinto
    Designated Hitting Left Fielder--Trevor Plouffe
    Designated Hitting Right Fielder--Oswaldo Arcia
     
    Now, critics will point out that this is...you know..."breaking the rules of the game"
     
    BUT! Perhaps there's another way. After all, you don't really need a good outfield if your pitchers induce strike outs and ground balls. So, and prepare to suspend your disbelief fans, what if, in a crazy mixed up world of my own imagination, where up is down, left is right and the Twins hire a manager who decides to use platoons (I told you it would need a major suspension of disbelief), you try to use these players strategically?
     
     
    Consider the 7 claimants to the "DH" role right now as well as the two most athletic "outfield prospects" who aren't totally at sea with a bat:
    Joe Mauer, Kenny Vargas, Josmil Pinto, Oswaldo Arcia, Trevor Plouffe, Chris Parmelee, Miguel Sano, Eddie Rosario, Aaron Hicks. http://media.zenfs.com/en_US/Sports/AP_MLB/201302191444530758115-p2.jpg Where do you think you're going?
     
    If you assume that we can count on two years of Suzuki at Catcher (which apparently is also expected to be a Josmil Pinto free zone), Dozier at Second, Santana at short and stop gaps replaced by Bionic Byron Buxton in Center, then we have five spots left to play with (in order of least defensive danger): DH, First Base, Left Field, Right Field and Third Base
     
    Here's how those 9 players rank in terms of OPS in their Major League Careers or the last season of the minors (biased I know...but hey, if you expect quality analysis from me, you clearly didn't read my "Joe-Mauer-could-play-better-if-he-became-an-amateur-stand-up-comedian" post)
    OPS Versus Righties
    Sano (.975)
    Mauer (.922)
    Vargas (.844)
    Pinto (.813)
    Arcia (.799)
    Rosario (.705)
    Parmelee (.704)
    Plouffe (.674)
    Hicks (.543--though .746 all year at three levels)
     
    OPS Versus Lefties
    Sano (1.027)
    Pinto (.892)
    Vargas (.828)
    Plouffe (.807)
    Mauer (.748)
    Hicks (.746 majors....854 all year at three levels)
    Parmelee (.710)
    Rosario (.630)
    Arcia (.620)
     
    So, like I said, that's not perfect, indeed it's a big fat set of assumptions...i.e. that hitting lefties in Triple A or Double A is equivalent to major leagues (Josmil Pinto's gap from the AAA Lefties to Big leaguers is a whopping 206 points to the worse at .686...though that still puts him ahead of Arcia)
     
    Still, I think that if we assume A) he doesn't come back as a shell of his former self and he can still throw the ball, that Miguel Sano is going to be a full timer no matter what. Preferably at third base the hardest of our five positions defensively and the one he would play better than everyone else on the list
     
    That leaves 8 guys for four spots, and here's where my idea comes into effect what if we had not one platoon, not two platoons, BUT FOUR PLATOONS!!! The platoons would be based on both the opposing pitcher, and whether or not we have a fly ball pitcher going ourselves.
    http://extras.mnginteractive.com/live/media/site569/2013/0903/20130903__1-joe%20mauer%20dugout%20sad_200.jpg Take a break Joe...literally whenever
    you want.
    Here's how I could see it
    Versus Lefties with a Fly Ball Twins Pitcher
    DH-Pinto
    1B-Vargas
    LF-Mauer (or Plouffe if Mauer needs a rest day)
    RF-Hicks
     
     
    Versus Lefties with a Ground Ball Twins Pitcher
    DH-Pinto/Vargas (whoever's hotter)
    1B-Mauer (or Vargas if Mauer needs a rest)
    LF-Plouffe
    RF-Hicks
     
    Versus Righties with a Fly Ball Twins Pitcher
    DH-Pinto
    1B-Mauer (or Vargas if Mauer needs a rest)
    LF-Arcia
    RF-Rosario
     
    Versus Righties with a Ground Ball Twins Pitcher
    DH-Pinto
    1B-Vargas
    LF-Mauer
    RF-Arcia
     
    A couple of pros to this approach.
    1--It clarifies value to the team pretty quickly: Parmelee doesn't care any of these sets of four so if someone is willing to give you a prospect with a pulse take it. Rosario only cracks one line up, and theoretically you should be able to find a solid defensive outfielder who can handle right handed pitching at a steady clip, so see if he has any value too.
    2--It allows you to start thinking about defensive liberty. Vargas has some background at first, but I would bet that Josmil Pinto could figure things out there as well as Matthew Lecroy did and be a third catcher, and Mauer's still a bit of an athlete (we hope). If Mauer could do a little time in Left, all of a sudden, Trevor Plouffe is expendable.
    3--You have a more structured schedule to keep Mauer healthy. Less time against lefties will be better, especially as Joe gets older. And, if/when bullpens are used and right handed relievers come in...who's that sitting on the bench with a bat in his hands? What's that...a former MVP and batting champion? How about that!
     
     
    And, just to show I can acknowledge my own failings, I'll admit a few weaknesses too... http://extras.mnginteractive.com/live/media/site569/2013/0513/20130513__130514%20Hicks%20catch_300.jpg
    1--My data set is totally messed up: no debating that, but I think it's reasonable to say that after years of hearing that "help is on the way" from the minors and looking at prospect rankings, this is a reasonable assessment of potential at the majors
    2--I assume that everyone will reach their potential: yup, I do. They won't, but I teach public school, I have to think about potential more than existing skill or I'd go nuts.
    3--Mauer in Left? I mean....Mauer in Left??? Again, point taken, there's every chance that the Twins/Mauer would never consider such a deal with the risk of a wall, or another outfielder, or a beer bottle at risk of hitting his head and ending his career. However, I would say that Mauer is still a fine athlete, even with the wear and tear, and that historically left field is perhaps the least exposed position on the diamond...maybe Josmil Pinto could figure it out, maybe Adam Brett Walker will develop so fast that we have a whole other problem, but for now that makes the most sense to me.
  14. PeanutsFromHeaven
    Since returning from the disabled list, Joe Mauer has been quietly reassembling himself, like a hitting terminator emerging from the blazing hell fires of suckitude, back into the consistent--if robotic--man we all know and respect.
    http://www.jamescamerononline.com/terminator221301.png Mauer mid-rehab stint
    While the hitting was something we all thought could return, we're glad to see that Mauer's defense has also been less terrible than in the past. We like to imagine that the reason for this is that Mauer has finally taken our advice and begun using his prime position at first base to develop his chops in a second career: stand-up comedian.
     
    His time on the Disabled List was clearly beneficial to crafting a solid two minute set, and we at Peanuts from Heaven are proud to imagine the totally fake, and utterly made-up Joe Mauer comedy set, so everyone, please welcome to the Target Field first base bag....Joe Mother-Loving Mauer!
     
    Mauer: Hello, it's a real pleasure to be here tonight. You seem like a, uhhhhhhhhh, very nice, you know, group of people. I'm going to say some things that I find comical, and I, uhhhh, hope you like them.
     
    Okay. Start out with a classic here...
    Knock-knock....
    ....
    knock-knock...
    ....
    It'll be faster if I do both parts, so, uhhh, who's there?
    ...Joe Mauer...
    ....Joe Mauer who?...
    ...My name's Joe Mauer and, ummmmmm...I'll be your first base comedian tonight...
    .....
    ....
    okay...
    ...
    Have you ever noticed how much fun it is to play baseball?
    .....
    I have.
    ....
    Do you know what I like about playing first base?
    ...
    When guys in the clubhouse talk about girls, I can say that I've just been to first base with a lot of people....
    ...and it's not a lie...
    ...because lying would be wrong....
    ....
    That's uh....that's...that's pretty great, you know.
    ...
    Thank you.
    ...
    So I, uhh, I had some milk before the game today.
    ...
    Do you like milk?
    ...
    You should try some, it's really great. and uhh...helps you build strong bones.
    ...yeah...
    ...
    I was uhhh, on the disabled list recently you know?
    And the thing about the disabled list is that it's sort of like being on the naughty list with Santa.
    Except instead of a lump of coal, you get a massive radiating pain in part of your body and a tidal wave of insults from fans who think you're an overpaid cry baby.
    ...
    Okay, that's my time...Your next comedian is Brian "You might be middle-infielder" Dozier.
  15. PeanutsFromHeaven
    So I've been more or less completely consumed with the World Cup this month. Watching every match I can, reading interviews, reports, reviewing highlights, and writing like a maniac. But I still think of baseball (and can prove it with stuff on another blog), perhaps never more clearly than when I was watching a World Cup match with some friends last Thursday.
    We needed a point against Germany, or some good fortune in another match. Being Minnesota sports fans, we fully anticipated that everything would turn against us at any given moment. As a result, every flaw, every foul, every mistake increased our anxiety and our ire, and nobody got under our skin as much as Michael Bradley.
    For those who don't know, Bradley is widely believed to be the best American player. A creating midfielder he basically serves as the point guard, distributing, defending, inventing and supporting every aspect of the game. A favorite in European leagues, bigwigs and pundits think that Bradley could easily make every one of the other 31 teams at the World Cup (even intimidating German and Brazilian squads).
    But that didn't excuse Bradley's lackluster play. He was nowhere in the first match. He gave away the ball that became the equalizing goal against Portugal. And in the final match versus Germany he was sloppy: losing the ball frequently, making clumsy/ineffectual challenges. Suddenly my friends were out for blood.
    "Bradley, what is wrong with you?!?!"
    "Bradley gives it away every time, I'm telling you!!!"
    "God, Bradley, just stop! STOP!!"
    I couldn't remember the last time I'd heard so many people, so upset, with such a talented athlete. Until I remembered my last trip to Target Field and the shouts at #7...Joe Mauer.
    "Mauer, what is wrong with you?!?!?"
    "Mauer grounds out every time, I'm telling you!!!"
    "God, Mauer, just stop! STOP!!"
    I sort of assumed it just revolved around the old story: big name, big expectations, minimal delivery, maximum reaction. But there's a little something more to it than that I think. After all, we seem perpetually enamored of other players, even though they certainly have down moments too...why be enraged by Mauer and Bradley and not the others?
    I think the reason might lie in our selection of heroes. We love the strong, the powerful, the mighty men who never cease to amaze with their offensive exploits: think Harmon Killebrew, Jim Thome and, in the soccer world, Clint Dempsey. We also love the daring, the bold, the unbelievable save-the-day types: Kirby Puckett at the wall, Johan Santana at the end of a losing streak, Tim Howard any time of day.
    But those two styles of heroes do not match well with either Bradley or Mauer. They won't win things single handedly (either with goals or home runs). They won't save the day (either with sparkling defense/pitching or miraculous goal keeping). They are more like artists than heroes. Doing things that seem unusually beautiful and nearly impossible to quantify. They distribute the ball where it's least expected (either with passes or with spray singles hitting through defensive shifts). They provide a team with a reliable pillar requires opponents to develop specific plans. They are lauded by many--particularly those who see them at a distance and know their reputation. Sure some artists can also be powerful or save the day (Magic Johnson comes to mind), but if you can't you drop in stature rapidly (looking in your direction Ricky Rubio)
    Of course there's one big gap between an artistic athlete and a straight forward artist: artists don't need to win anything, athletes always do. So, when an artistic athlete goes from great to average, it's easier to abandon them than hold on to the quietly valuable work of the past. And if they have a run of bad form while the team succeeds in spite of them, fans can get down right angry at the waste of talent who should be making a good team great rather than holding them back.
     
    Those who hate on Mauer and Bradley would be rather like if art fans got pissed when Monet refused to change style when Seurat and Van Gogh got more experimental, or if movie goers whined about David Strathairn never getting back to his Oscar nominated potential.
    Of course, that hate doesn't have to last forever. Every World Cup match brings a new slate of heroes and raft of scapegoats. In the last week alone, Joe Mauer went from washed-up to offensive lynchpin. A weak bit of artistry inspires nothing but frustration, but even the weakest artist is still an artist, and capable of transcendent moments.
    When those moment comes, I look forward to hearing all the jeers and frustration die away, and for one word to supplant them. One word when Bradley hits Clint Dempsey in perfect stride. One word when Mauer knocks in two with a single to the opposite field. One word, in city/state/nationwide chorus: "YES!"
  16. PeanutsFromHeaven
    The World Cup kicks off on Thursday--but whom to root for? Luckily, if you're a Twins fan, in your heart of hearts you already know, just follow our guide to find out.
     

     
    You can also see the guide embedded in our own personal site at heavenlypeanuts.blogspot.com, and leave comments as to the foolishenss of likening Kent Hrbek to anything French.
  17. PeanutsFromHeaven
    Should you be inclined to see this post with some pictures of my ugly mug posing with the cards check out my main blog page. Otherwise...WORDS AHOY!
     
    I finally did it. I told myself I ought to. I explained all the ways why. I made sure that I actually could do it, and then I did it.
     
    I sold a large chunk of my baseball card collection.
     
    It wasn't doing anything, it was sitting in a box in my attic. When my neighbor set up a yard sale and offered me a chance to sell some things, I went to get them. Sure enough, old DVD players, printers, and stereo systems...passed...a couple hundred 1988 baseball cards...gone in a flash.
     
    I don't need more baseball cards (no one does...really), but I still make an annual pack a special ritual for myself. A reward for a year worth of teaching, a method of keeping my place in a mountain of books. As I've done before, I thought it might be fun to write about the process of opening up my packs (both a regular and a heritage set)
     
    First the flashy new deck, as my dog sits at my feet, hopefully looking at me like I've unwrapped a treat for us both to eat. No luck pup.
     
    Paul Goldschmit leads off...I know him, power hitter prospect, okay...then Hiroki Kuroda who excites me as a fan of good pitching, and churns my stomach as a symbol of Yankee wealth. Michael Brantely and Jonathan Pablebon follow, so far a solid crew.
     
    There we go: Yordano Ventura...do you know who Yordano Ventura plays for? Did you know there was a person in the world named Yordano Ventura? Apparently he was a September call up who has an active twiter account (#LetsThrowFire)--I wonder what the old cigarette companies who started this tradition would have written on the back in lieu of twitter: "When walking down the street, King Kelly shouts out: 'I ATE A PASTRAMI SANDWHICH, POUND SYMBOL YUM!' Oh that Kelly, always a fan favorite."
     
    Back in the swing of things, an old school Buster Posey card...the same psuedo style as a lot of the cards I just sold...perhaps the universe is giving me a sign to track down the buyer and steal them back. No, wait, Francisco Liriano follows him up, that's a sign that you should just appreciate your memories, lest the regret eat you alive.
     
    Ahh...and here they are, at the back of the pack...the also rans: Wily Peralta, Nick Hundley, Eric Sogard, Scooter Gennett and Jack Hannahan. The only who remotely stands out is Scooter...and it's far more for he fact that his name is Scooter than anything else.
     
    What about the classic pack, fewer cards, classier stock than the ultra shiny newbies, a little more price. Perhaps here will be the bonafide stars, the exciting pack of a full blown team of all-stars I wouldn't trade for a Byron Buxton rookie...oh who am I kidding, they're just cards...
     
    Opening it up, I swear I could smell that old cardboard gum, the stuff that made my jaws hurt as a kid, but that I stubbornly ate, piece after piece, because I felt bad turning down the gift of gum each company had so thoughtfully inserted for me. (I admit it, I've always been naive).
    Andres Torres tops the deck, glum and dead-eyed, then Jayson Werth with a more manageable beard than usual...Aha, a bulky Prince Fielder in his new Rangers uniform...just what I was hoping for, and just what Rangers fans were hoping for...a positive image, regardless of the injuries and disaster that lay ahead.
     
    John Neise is alright, but Darin Ruf makes me wonder if these cards are all that special...apparently he had a strong power swing for the Phillies at the end of the season...but I'm not sure I buy it. Just like I didn't buy in to most "Impact Rookie" cards Topps chucked into my packs as a kid.
    A throwback Jim Plamer card reflecting on his 1965 debut (the year the heritage pack is emulating), is solid and nice to imagine as a rookie card slipped among your mom/dad's old belongings. Travis Wood and Brett Lawrie won't have the same effect on my kids I'm sure. Finally a card of AL ERA leaders Annabelle Anibal Sanchez and Bartolo (Semi)Colon.
     
     
    That's it. I confess myself disappointed*. 21 cards and not a single Twin. I pick out a few I'd like to hold on to--both for the fun of bookmarking my pages and on the off chance they develop into something special (Gennett, Kuroda). But there were no Twins. No favorites. And I wonder if it wouldn't have been better to save my money and wrap a random selection of my old cards in paper for the same illusion.
     
    It's silly to repeat this ritual, silly to spend money (any money) on an easily abandoned, quickly forgotten distraction. But I'm not really paying for a long term investment. I'm not even paying for short-term distraction. I'm paying for a certain feeling, a memory of childhood, and a reminder that potential is so much more fun than reality, like dreaming on what Prince Fielder can accomplish in Texas before he plays a game. (I mean, if I had gotten a Brian Dozier, I wouldn't give a fart about the deluge of relievers and middling talent). I love the moment of anticipation, the wait, the hope, the discovery. Like seeing runners in scoring position with less than two outs, I have all manner of hopes and wishes for how they score, or how the pitcher dances out of danger. It doesn't matter if it lives up to my expectations or not, it's the thrill of the not knowing that gets me every time.
     
    Maybe I'll find someone to give me two bucks for the cards at another garage sale, or maybe they'll get chucked by my wife in a burst of spring cleaning. I'm not concerned about what happens to the opportunity lost, I'm already dreaming about the opportunities to come. If that doesn't make me a baseball fan, I don't know what does.
     
    *Though I do pause to fulfill another fun distraction--imagining the best line up I can make with the cards I was dealt--Pitcher Palmer, than Posey-2; Fielder-3, Gennett-4, Lawrie-5, Sogard (out of position)-6, Torres-7, Brantley-8, Werth-9...Underwhelming as they are, I'm pretty sure they could beat the Astros.
  19. PeanutsFromHeaven
    We know how it is. Life is busy: with work and family and social engagements, there are a lot of demands on your time. So, if you tune out for a while during the long season, you're perfectly normal. Missing baseball games is not unlike missing reading assignments for school, so we're happy to provide this series of Cliff Notes to summarize, explain and analyze the story that is the 2014 Twins Season. (This post is illuminated with pretty pretty pictures on our personal site: Peanuts From Heaven Incorporated)

    "Chapter II: May"


    Summary: Boosted to a .500 record by the promising performances of a few "youthfully exuberant" protagonists, the Twins are forced to acknowledge the strains and challenges that accompany any growth spurt.
     
     
    The initial tokens of optimism are cashed in or squandered like an arcade push game. The patience, increased on base percentage, boosted power numbers all dissipated in a flurry of National League fire-ballers from Los Angeles and San Francisco. The seemingly stable squad suddenly slipped and staggered, revealing that those who believed the team had undergone a total shift of character to be holding mere fools' gold.
     
     
    But those who foresaw wreck and ruin have been similarly debunked, as the team made the most of the opportunities they did have, besting dangerous teams from Detroit, Boston and Baltimore. While offensive improvement and pitching performances might be temporary, gone for good are the days of apathetic and self-defeated baseball.
     
    At this stage in the story we know the truth about our setting and characters--they are not unstoppable forces for goodness and light, but neither are they morally bankrupt derelicts, squatting in dugouts and pocketing their paychecks regardless of their performance. That complexity encourages the audience to read on, curious to find how this newly complex cast of characters changes (if at all) over the season.
    Notable Character Developments:
    Kyle Gibson, Chris Colabello--Symbols of both the team's initial success April, and their slow decline in May.
    Brian Dozier--After coming into his own in the first chapter of the season, Dozier very much savors the attention that surrounds him in the second. Heads turn when he goes by, channel surfers stop to watch him, and the internet bursts with mutterings of "extension"--an ugly slump near the end of the month shows he must beware overconfidence.
    Phil Hughes--The newest IT pitcher, for a group that falls in love with briefly-successful starters like contestants on "The Bachelorette" fall in love with being on TV. Yet he boasts signs of sincerity, including the fact that he walked no one for the entire month. (As walks are a symbol of ghostly, haunting presences, he seems poised to vanquish the ghosts of previous It pitchers--Scott Diamond, Francisco Liriano and Nick Blackburn)
    Joe Mauer--Mauer continues to be a presence in name more than in production, posing the question of whether or not the offense is trapped in an absurdist play: "Waiting for Mauer". Perhaps it's poor luck, perhaps it's great defensive positioning, perhaps it's a sign of the apocalypse--fans and critics debate this matter fiercely.
    Aaron Hicks--With Mike Pelfry nursing his groin (and all the Freudian meaning associated with that) the Twins' latest lost man in centerfield has taken on the mantle of ominous chasm where hope goes to die. The lowest Slugging and OPS on the team last month (save for the historically popular Jason Kubel), and questions about his work ethic, defense and engagement have soured his once bright future.
    Key Quotes Explained:
    Team Walks Percentage: April 12%; May 7%--A lot of the success of the team in the first month rested on their ability to coax walks from opponents, the drop in runs and the drop in walk rates have an impressive correlation...impressively bad that is.
    Pitching Staff's Strike out to Walk Ratio: April 1.67; May 2.71--This is a major boost, especially given that we're talking about the Twins starting pitching, and sure a lot of it has to do with Phil Hughes, but Glen Perkins was similarly walk-less, and Kevin Correia, Ricky Nolasco and Jared Burton all improved their rates by 1 run or more. The tide turned because of everyone, not just one.
     
    A Literary Device to Impress Your Teacher/attractive English Major Friends:
    Pathetic Fallacy--This term summarizes any time an author takes a lazy, cliched route to story telling and setting. Ever notice how when someone's in love there's sunshine and blue skies? Pathetic Fallacy. How it's always raining, when a character is in tears, depressed, isolated or alone? Pathetic Fallacy. Maybe they feel the way they do because of the weather, maybe the weather is blatantly reflecting their mood, but obviously, when the Dodgers crushed the Twins after a week of miserable weather...it was the pathetic fallacy. When we fought off one last frost warning and the team stank in San Francisco--pathetic fallacy. If this keeps up, here's rooting for 72 and sunny every day this summer. (Wait it's Minnesota...we're screwed).
  21. PeanutsFromHeaven
    It hasn't been easy being a Twins fan the last few years (though if you're committed enough to the team to find my little corner of the blogosphere, I hardly need tell you that).
    It's been even less easy to be a positive Twins blogger, to dedicate time and energy to finding the silver linings in a team that often looks outmatched in almost every facet of the game. My writing life would be easier, and probably more pleasant, if I could just sign off from the blog, let it wither and dry up like the husk of so many other abandoned websites in internet ghost towns, and find something else to occupy my time.
    But I keep coming back. I can't seem to stop. No matter how long I go between posts, I keep turning up to write something. Just like I keep turning up at Target Field to see something, anything that resembles baseball.
    My father-in-law, the Gouger, had tickets for last night, and I was, as ever, excited to go. But with Mrs. Peanut off in Los Angeles studying to become a yoga teacher, my Parental Units (Mr. No-Ass and The Knitting Queen) in a jet lag stupor after a 40th anniversary trip to Barcelona, my little brother exploiting his fraternity, and my best dude friend on a date, it was just the pair of us. Weaving our way through a packed downtown, we were both grimly aware that the Twins, these Twins, were as likely to provide an evening's entertainment as the stand-up comedy stylings of Joe Mauer. ("Hey, have you ever noticed how things are...you know...things?")
    Heading down to Target Field plaza, we saw a mother shepherding a pair of logo-bedecked boys into an elevator. The boys were glowing with excitement, all smiles and bouncing knees. Gouger asked "are the Twins going to win tonight?" The littlest boy replied "YEAH!!" with the kind of absolute certainty that you only hear in children and religious fundamentalists. We could have shaken our heads, or muttered something, but instead we high-fived, and cheered and headed on to the gates.
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    Since we arrived an hour early (preemptive parking before the Wolves and Twins fans descended en masse), I actually had time to peruse the clubhouse store, and all the food offerings I wanted. Part of me always thinks that, as fun as baseball can be, working in baseball (or at least in a baseball stadium) could leave you tired and dismissive. And yet I found myself hearing cheery recommendations from the beer vendor (Day Tripper APA: solid and satisfying after a long week), getting sincere service from the food vendors and sharing jokes and memories with clubhouse store cashiers. Everyone had a smile on their face, everyone seemed excited to see you, and more than willing to pause their work to appreciate a little sunshine and the promise of baseball ahead.
    And while the top of the first put me in mind of a long, bumpy road ahead (Pedro Florimon's sudden apathy had something do with that), it was easy to push that aside and appreciate the little things: Jason Kubel chugging as only Jason Kubel can on a triple, Josmil Pinto's big screen photo looking like nothing so much as a forlorn Teddy Bear, Joe Mauer's robotic RBI delivery system and awkward 1st base chatter, Kyle Gibson finishing a fine performance with a strike out and a standing O, Brian Duensing dropping the hammer, Kurt Suzuki joining a long list of players whose early performance pauses any cranky critique I could make.
     
    It was a beautiful night, feeling warm and welcomed, watching a solid game of baseball and finding, five seats down, a likeminded fan in our old pal Betsy Bissen. Seeing her and talking (in person) for the first time in years, I got to hear all about her life as a photographer in the well, her stories about cupcakes and curveballs, pranks and--above all--positivity: why she always stays optimistic about the players, why the only people who drive her nuts are the people who can't stop complaining (and occasionally those who use ipads to take pictures), and why I should keep on keeping on with quirky little photoshops and random observations.
    The whole night was a long, joyful reminder of why I come back to baseball and blogging again and again. It's easy to get sucked into my own private world: my house, my Netflix queue, my scotch bottles. But baseball makes sure I remember everyone around me: the little kids abuzz with excitement; the random strangers who have a smile, handshake and piece of advice; the players who become constants in your life; the other writers, photographers and talkers who share in the silliness with me; and the family who are always there.
    Gouger said it at the start of the night. There's no where else in sports where you can feel as tied into the community as you do you do at a baseball game. There's no where else I feel like my writing has as much chance to connect with like minded readers and thinkers as in this baseball blog.
    It's not easy to be a Twins fan right now. It's not easy to be a Twins writer right now. But no matter how hard it gets, it's worth it, to be tied in to a community of the excited, the kind, the constant, the silly and the family that makes baseball great.
  23. PeanutsFromHeaven
    It's been a while since our last post (blahblahblah job, blahblahblah earning salary, blahblahblah spending holiday time with friends and loved ones). But we're back with a very special post as we consider the 2014 resolutions of your Minnesota Twins.
    Joe Mauer
    Baseball Resolution: Hit like a boss now that defense doesn't crush my legs.
    Life Resolution: Be hospitable while hosting my fellow all-stars this summer, maybe even say multi-syllabic words to them!
    Brian Dozer
    Baseball Resolution: Prove that hitting outburst last year was no fluke.
    Life Resolution: Find out how Joe got that Head and Shoulder's commercial and send them my audition tape.
    http://l.yimg.com/os/publish-images/sports/2013-07-22/4fbe6b3b-dcf8-45b2-b295-d5d01a72c81f_792979101.gif
    Trevor Plouffe
    Baseball Resolution: Throw the ball to the big tall guy at first base as often as possible.
    Life Resolution: Repeat life affirming mantra ("I'm good enough, smart enough, and doggone it people like me") whenever fans make frowny faces at me.
    Josh Willingham
    Baseball Resolution: Get healthy. Get 30+ homers again. Get the hell out of here.
    Life Resolution: See above.
    Oswaldo Arcia
    Baseball Resolution: Hit many more of those mammoth home runs.
    Life Resolution: Build a time machine so I can see those mammoths run home.
    Jason Kubel
    Baseball Resolution: Rebuild career amongst my people.
    Life Resolution: Attempt to smirk with the other side of my mouth.
    http://2.bp.blogspot.com/__siI1SkKgnU/SX_Re7vhBII/AAAAAAAAAqA/FcnSv6LY0Uc/s320/7425.jpg
    Josmil Pinto
    Baseball Resolution: Improve defensively by listening closely to my veteran catcher and veteran pitchers
    Life Resolution: Improve my teammates by teaching them the harmonies to the entire Mumford & Sons catalogue through my walk up music.
    Ricky Nolasco
    Baseball Resolution: BE AWESOME!!!!!!!
    Life Resolution: !!!!!!!!
    Caleb Thielbar
    Baseball Resolution: Keep being a badass left-hander
    Life Resolution: Keep percentages in my favor by brainwashing every hitter to be left handed.
    Phil Hughes
    Baseball Resolution: Use new stadium to keep home run rates down, try to boost strike out rate.
    Life Resolution: Every time I think about mean Yankee fans, just remember I've gone somewhere so far away that they'll forget I've ever existed...until we play a game in the Bronx...then drink heavily.
    Jared Burton
    Baseball Resolution: Continue to solidify the back of the bullpen.
    Life Resolution: Popularize neck beards again.
    Kevin Correia
    Baseball Resolution: Keep doing what I'm doing, even if I've been demoted from staff ace to staff #3...again...
    Life Resolution: Keep my arm attached to my shoulder.
     
    Glen Perkins
    Baseball Resolution: Get another All-Star Game spot by racking up the saves...assuming we have games that need saving.
    Life Resolution: Keep telling truth to power [hitters]. (And by tell truth I mean talk trash/throw sliders)
    Ron Gardenhire
    Baseball Resolution: Rebuild the team so it's in good shape for the next guy
    Life Resolution: Use word a day calendar to improve nicknames for the boys. Instead of "Plouffe-y" maybe, Penultimate Plouffe-Dog?
    What are your New Year's Resolutions Twins Fans?
  24. PeanutsFromHeaven
    In one week, the Hall of Fame will announce who (if anyone) was elected to Cooperstown. There are a privileged few who get to vote for those hallowed halls, but just because most bloggers don't have a say, doesn't mean we can't use our blogs to have a say about literally everything else, including silly little exercises in analyzing Hall of Fame voting.
    Last year I offered an economist's sense of how to vote in order to maximize your ballot. This year, as I continue to avoid numbers at all costs, I offer a simpler eye test, or rather a simpler eye and ear test. Theoretically, a Hall of Famer should be a player so exceptional or transcendent that we want to remember them for years to come. Film director Ken Burns has shown many such exceptional/transcendent players in his epic 11 part, 22 hour saga of the game's history. So, theoretically, if a player and their accomplishments sound impressive in Ken Burns black and white tones with tinkling patriotic music and a rich baritone voice over, the player is worthy of consideration.
    And so I present: The Ken Burns Test.
     
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    Based on that little exercise I feel like I'd be voting for Bonds, Clemens (grudgingly), Maddux, Piazza, Bagwell, Biggio, Mussina, Schilling and Morris (irrationally), which leaves one spot open for the underrepresented--even by me--Tim Raines.
    Who would get your vote? Leave a note in the comments below
  25. PeanutsFromHeaven
    Monday marks the kickoff of the Winter Meetings in Orlando, Florida (aka: a convenient holiday for baseball executives and their families).
    Naturally, as the Twins do their part at the Winter Meetings for the next four days, they may make time to have a little fun in the Happiest Place on Earth That is Also a Festering Swamp. But the attractions they see may have extra ramifications on their plans for the next four days. Here we present the possible outcomes of how what they see and could manifest themselves in baseball moves. (From least likely to most likely
    http://blogs.villagevoice.com/runninscared/small.jpg
    Ride: It's a Small World--If there are any little kids along side Twins execs, they may decide to go into Mattel's amazing wonderland of creepy dolls for other nationalities.
    Result: BLOW IT UP!--Obviously, standing in the epic line, in the middle of Florida heat, only to sit on a thing for fifteen minutes worth of nauseating jerky motion and the world's nastiest ear worm of a song is going to drive any reasonable person insane. As a result we end up with the bizarre blow up our roster set moves including
     

    Trading Joe Mauer, Glen Perkins, Miguel Sano, Byron Buxton and the Pentair Sustainable Water Solutions System for the Teseract and access to a super species of baseball players in another dimension
    Punching Ricky Nolasco and Phil Hughes turning their signings into a gigantic, evil prank
    Signing Trevor Plouffe to a 20 year 400 Million dollar contract

    If you see any Twins execs around the "It's a Small World Ride" save them, for god's sake, save them.
     
     
    Ride: Tower of Terror--The stomach-drop-inducing seven story fall is a favorite for thrill seekers...not exactly the most common adjective used to describe the Twins brain trust is it?
    Result: Major Trade/signing--Flush with the giddy thrill of some free agent signing success they might just decide to double down on the whole experience and drop some more and throw caution to the win by bringing in Shin Soo-Choo, Matt Garza and/or Carlos Beltran.
    Ride: Japan Booth at Epcot Center--This isn't so much a ride as it as pleasant and satisfying experience for people interested in a little culture, knowledge and family bonding. (That does sound like a Twins outing
    Result: Make a bid for Masahiro Tanaka--The Twins are big on understanding players and reaching out to them, so maybe they think a little background research will be an added perk to a bid for Tanaka. Of course, first Japan has to approve baseball's new system, then the Twins have to win or tie the bid process, and finally Tanaka has to consider talking to the Twins about anything other than "what's the Yankee's number again?"
    http://static2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20081009084944/disneyparks/images/1/16/Jack_Sparrow_Hiding_in_Barrel.jpg
    Ride: Pirates of the Carribbean--A Disney World landmark and must-see stop on the tourist trail can churn out happy patrons who are only mildly unnerved by the slowly gyrating animatronic pirates.
    Result: Minor trade/signing--Did someone say "mildly unnerved by slowly gyrating animatronic" somethings? Sounds like an aging back up catcher to me!! (John Buck? JP Arrencibia? Yorvit Torrealba?) Also, did someone say "churn out happy patrons"? Maybe we're due a minor swap of prospects, or at least a Rule 5 draft pick!
    Ride: Wonder why there's only Teri license plates in the gift shop--Honestly, the Twins probably are going to be focused on the baseball side of business. If Terry Ryan does anything, it may just be stopping by the gift shop for a memento only to find that all the playful license plates read "Teri" and "Bort".
    Result: Nothing--Every year I predict that nothing much will really happen at the Winter Meetings. And this year I'll hold to that more than ever. They've signed two free agents. They've dropped more money on the market than ever before. If the Twins do anything beyond kick the tires and chew the fat, it might well be a big surprise.
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