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PeanutsFromHeaven

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Blog Entries posted by PeanutsFromHeaven

  1. PeanutsFromHeaven
    News broke yesterday that former Marlins/Dodgers pitcher, Ricky Nolasco will be signing with the Twins (reportedly for a four/five year deal worth between 49 and 62 Million dollars).
    There are many things to consider in this signing: the sudden acquisition of a (relative) strike out artist for a "pitch-to-contact" team; the commitment through 2018 (making Nolasco one of only 3 Twins guaranteed that long a deal); the degree of responsibility and position of "leader" foisted on a player who has only recently tasted meaningful baseball; the question of whether or not this will make any real difference to a team with so many pitching questions. But rather than ponder any of those things, we at Peanuts from Heaven will do what we do best: bring up something stupid and pretend it's important.


    http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-5_iVTo16yzs/UperHtmsjwI/AAAAAAAACOc/yDsh665wD7M/s640/Nolasco+%3C3+!.tiff


    Consider, if you will, Ricky Nolasco's twitter feed (my brother--
    who has helped me start another site here--pointed the change in logo to me as proof that he was in fact coming here). It is no stretch of the imagination to say that Nolasco's twitter feed makes ample use of the exclamation mark (19 in 6 posts, plus two more just for "LA"). A device that some writers of the English language use to show "excitement, vehement commands or emphasize the intensity of an emotion." Or, as we refer to that in Minnesota, "going crazy".
    There have been very few Twins players or even fans in recent years, who could be accused of being either excited, vehement, or even having an intense emotion of any kind. So naturally we wonder, what Ricky Nolasco's first few days as a Twin will be like.



    **Dream Sequence**
    Ricky Nolasco sits at a pressconference table with Terry Ryan, Ron Gardenhire and (face of the franchise) Joe Mauer



    Ryan: We are very proud to introduce Ricky Nolasco as the newest Minnesota Twin [polite applause from assembled reporters].
    Nolasco: YEAH!! What's up TWIN CITIES?!?!?!!!!
    Reporter: Ricky, how do you feel about joining the Twins?
    Nolasco: Amazing!!! Obviously! I get to be in the land of 10,000 Lakes!! That's 9,999 more than LA could offer!!!
    Reporter: Do you feel any pressure because of your contract?
    Nolasco: Sure!! But I can do it!!!! We've got a tremendous group of guys here, including one of the greatest hitters of all time in Joe Mauer!!! I'm so pumped to play with you Joe!!!
    Mauer: Thanks, Ricky. I'm...ummm...really excited to play with you too...you know?
    Nolasco: And I get to be coached by a former manager of the year!!! That's awesome!! Nothing against Don Mattingly or Mike Redmond, but, c'mon!!! This is Ron Freaking Gardenhire!!!
    Gardy: Thanks Ricky-y...'preciate that.
    Nolasco: It's gonna be amazeballs, you guys!!! I know you've had some hard times, but there are some total badasses coming up from the minors!! It'll be great to see them mature! And I'm so grateful that management trusts me to be a leader on a team destined for greatness!!!!
    Ryan: Easy, Ricky, let's not get too riled up just yet.
    Nolasco: What do you mean!!!?! This is just how I talk!!!
    http://a1.typepad.com/6a00e5529178508834019b01c0e4c9970d-250wiGardy: We normally try to be very calm and level headed whenever we can.
    Nolasco: Oh, for sure, Skip!! Being level-headed is the BEST!!!
    Mauer: What about, you know...polite, non-offensive, mutterings about trying hard and...ummm...stuff.
    Nolasco: Sure, Joe! I'll try anything!! Why don't you try an exclamation!?!?!
    Mauer: What would I exclaim about?
    Nolasco: Anything!! Anything that makes your life great!! Your wife! Your kids!! Your job!!!
    Mauer: Wild Rice Soup!
    Nolasco: OH MY GOD!! YOU GUYS HAVE WILD RICE SOUP!!?!?



    *And....Scene....*



    Thank you Ricky Nolasco for reintroducing such a valuable punctuation mark to Twins Territory. Or, should we say: Thank you Ricky Nolasco for reintroducing such a valuable punctuation mark to Twins Territory!!!!


  2. PeanutsFromHeaven
    'Tis the season for the best baseball minds (and me) in the Twinsblogosphere to offer their takes on what the local 9 ought to do to improve their roster. Using the Twins Daily Offseason Handbook as a guide, you take your best crack at improving the Twins. Many bloggers dig deep for undervalued gems, or carefully consider how to balance free agency with player development.
    I choose an irrelevant theme and offer totally implausible pipe-dreams for about 1000 words.
    Let's not mince words: the Twins are in trouble. Once a mighty force, feared throughout the land for their scrappiness and tenacity, the Twins have been brought to heel, defanged, and dismissed. They have bent the knee to the most powerful groups in the American League: Detroit, Boston, Tampa Bay and New York.
    And that puts us exactly where we want to be.
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110626031649/gameofthrones/images/d/d4/RobertBaratheon.jpg
    [/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]King? Or Red Sock?
    [/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    It may seem silly to think that a lowly group of bunglers like us--a group often looked at as mere comic relief--could put ourselves into a position of power any time in the near future. But if Game of Thrones has taught us anything (besides the fact that there's a whole lot of murder and nudity in George RR Martin's brain), it's that people without power can gain it very quickly provided they are willing to do a few slightly unscrupulous things.
    Sure there may be some powerful people right now, but in George RR Martin's world, you're always just a boar hunt, lousy wedding reception or frozen-zombie attack away from being another corpse in the pile. The throne is won in the wheeling and dealing between the powerful and the (seemingly) powerless.
    So, let's look at a few...guidelines...for how the Twins ought to behave if we want to improve our standing in this most dangerous game: the game of bases and balls!
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120601223756/gameofthrones/images/c/c8/Theon_%26_Dagmer_2x10.jpeg
    [/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Eddie Rosario in 2 Years
    [/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    1. There are no "guests" or "squires" or "wards"...there are only prisoners
    The biggest, strongest and most powerful lords of the land have a simple way to ensure loyalty: take a beloved child of minor houses into your home as a "ward" for several years. This ensures that minor houses don't rise up; if they do, you just slit the throat of your "ward" and they sit back down again. So the Twins may need to send some of their dearly beloved prospects off to more prominent places. Which is I suggest they trade Eddie Rosario and Jared Burton to Toronto for power throwing starter Marcus Stroman.
    The Blue Jays have some solid pitching depth but are desperate to shore up second base. While they might find a shorter term solution elsewhere on the market, Rosario gives them someone to have for several years...of course, just because Rosario becomes their "ward" doesn't mean he actually cares for them, and when the time comes for the Twins to battle the Blue Jays for playoff position in a few years if he were to say, make errors in the field and betray Jose Bautista by decapitating him in the on-deck circle...well, we might be able to cut him in on a post-seasons hare.
    2. Repairing your weaknesses is less important than exploiting the weaknesses of your rival
    No house in the Game of Thrones universe thinks about what their rivals do well, they think about how to exploit their flaws be it hubris, wealth or insanity.
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]
    [/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Okay Scott, we'll play your game
    [/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    There's plenty of money flying around baseball, and sure the Twins have some of it, but not as much as other big name teams...so perhaps it would behoove us to use our rivals' wealth to our own gain. The Yankees are keen on splurging on Masahiro Tanaka? Let's up that bid by one dollar (a la that jerk on the Price is Right) until they dump 80 million. Scott Boras (the enemy of our enemy) needs a "mystery team" for upping the price on Stephen Drew or Suk-Min Yoon, we're happy to help. If played well, all of this costs us nothing and our rivals nearly everything. The bottom line is, it doesn't matter if we don't have money as long as our opponents spend it really, really badly.
    3. A great sell-sword is preferable to a loyal knight.
    Of course, getting our opponents to spend like idiots is even better if we spend what little money we do have really, really well. Unfortunately, there are precious few pitchers who would pick Minnesota as a top destination, so our goal shouldn't just be to sign the best available, but those who have something to prove.
    Think of it like this: we aren't looking for a brave and noble knight to carry our colors proudly or champion our side for the next decade; we're looking for someone who can keep us alive. So, much as we love brave Ser Liam and Ser Andrew we need someone who might make a difference.
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container, align: center]

    [TD=align: center]http://56ab8f3ba9bdd574fe36-43c4012dcbf8f9f0863b6d682e183a2e.r94.cf1.rackcdn.com/2012/06/bronn-blackwater.jpg
    [/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Don't worry I have a clause prohibiting
    Phil Hughes from doing this again...
    [/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    They may not be loyal, but they're better than what we have. If they do well and we all get along we can If they abandon us or hear about better money elsewhere, so be it. If we find out that it's in our interest to sell their services elsewhere again, do it and do it fast.
    So congratulations: Ser Josh Johnson (signed for 1 year, 9 Million) and Ser Phil Hughes (signed for 3 years 30 Million), you're both due golden opportunities.
    4. Wars aren't won on the field, they're won by having the best set of counselors
    As great as a good sell sword is, they can't do much of anything if you don't have the strategists and smarts to know what's worth doing and what's not. Without the right counselors you may well end up with a pot of gold poured on your head, or a smoke demon killing you.
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://www-ghostvolta-com.zippykid.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/Daenyrs-and-Co.jpg
    [/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center](From L) Molina, Johnson, Kyle Gibson, Santana
    and Chavez discuss how to pitch the Yankees
    [/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    For the Twins, this is even more important. With a young, inexperienced team it's important to surround our would-be-kings with people who know what it takes to lead: veterans with post-season/high performing experience. Recently, we haven't really done that, but that can be fixed by imprisoning a few people in nearby dungeons making some trades for long shot prospects. (sorry Ryan Doumit you've been traded to Seattle for LHPs Rusty Shellhorn and Roenis Elias and godspeed Kevin Corriea you've been traded to Colorado for SS Rosell Herrera and/or RHP Scott Oberg).
    Now we can bring in what we need. A masterful caretaker catcher (Benjy Molina, 2 years 4.5/yr); a skilled warrior on his last legs...or arm as it were (Johan Santana, 1 year 5 M + playing/front office option); and a eunuch (Eric Chavez, 1 year 2 M).
    5. Witticisms win no wars, but they are fun.
    Finally, we should say this: even with these changes the Twins will likely be below average, if not down right bad (just like life for most medieval houses no matter how conniving they try to be). That's why it's important to find little joys in life, like a wickedly funny dinner guest/prisoner/imp/mastermind/whoremonger.
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://static.tumblr.com/58f04174d7e2d806d6bd4eb18f62ff4b/omzjqeh/Sj9mj3m6d/tumblr_static_tyrion-lannister-tyrion-lannister-23793056-600-900.jpg[/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Our Secret Weapon[/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    So the natural result is that we should hire Peter Dinklage to be an assistant coach/honorary trash talker at all home games. It might seem like a terrible echo of baseball's sordid past with dwarves as mascots, but when you consider that this will probably cost about 3 million for just half a season of Dinklage related chicanery, it's a lot less cruel and a lot more like paying a man what he's worth.
    Imagine the joy of having an in-character Dinklage razz rivals across the field ("I may not have a nose, but at least I don't have to catch the whiff of Adam Dunn's rancid stink"; "The wealth and the power the Yankees have will always make them a target. Fortunately, I always hit the targets I piss at.")
    If I can paraphrase Bill Veeck: "A losing ball-team can draw more with beer and Peter Dinklage than with a long still silence."
    So there you have it, my plan to help restore the Twins to Wooden Throne, or, if you're here because you were looking for Game of Thrones analysis, my conjectures as to what will be in Martin's next book. Below is a summary of the final results.

    ***

    Trades:
    Eddie Rosario and Jared Burton to Toronto for RHP Marcus Stroman and a betrayal to be named later
    Ryan Doumit to Seattle for LHPs Rusty Shellhorn and Roenis Elias
    Kevin Corriea to Colorado for SS Rosell Herrera and/or RHP Scott Oberg
    Signings:
    Phil Hughes--10 Million/year
    Josh Johnson--9 Million
    Johan Santana--5 Million
    Benjy Molina--4.5 Million
    Peter Dinklage--3 Million
    Eric Chavez--2 Million
    Lineup: Molina/Mauer/Dozier/Florimon/Plouffe/Willingham/Hicks/Arcia/Chavez
    Bench: Pinto/Colabello/Escobar/Mastroianni
    Rotation: Johnson/Hughes/Santana/Deduno/(Gibson, Diamond, Stroman, et. al)
    Bullpen: Swarzak/Welker/Tonkin/Fien/Duensing/Theilbar/Perkins
    Total Salary: $82 Million
  3. PeanutsFromHeaven
    This is the first in a series of three articles evaluating the Twins 2013 Season. First we introduce the stat, then we use it to analyze hitters, then we use it to analyze pitchers.
    There's plenty of time to dissect the Twins' season, and there are plenty of people to do it. Rather than crunch the numbers or analyze the trends, I prefer to dissect it in the best way I know how: poorly!
    It's in that spirit that I offer the following new statistic: AARP or Amusement Above Replacement Player. [I am well aware that AARP is also the name of the American Association of Retired People, which gives AARP a 8.43 AARS (that's Amusement Above Replacement Statistic) score.]
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container, align: center]


    http://www.weusecoupons.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/Logo-AARP.jpg

    [TD=class: tr-caption]Copyright/schmopyright.[/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    Why invent such a meaningless statistic you ask? Why not? I answer.
    Statistics are not fixed or holy things, they get to be whatever we want them to be. While much of baseball is designed to be measured and quantified (from the 90 feet between the bases, to every degree of drop on a curve), much of it has yet be measured or quantified (from how important it is to have "good guys" in the clubhouse to how willingly we as fans will watch bad baseball because the way a hitter waggles his bat makes us giggle). And since no one else was doing it, I figured I might as well.
    Assigning a number to something like "amusing antics" may seem unnecessary or even stupid. Of course it's stupid. So is measuring the degree of drop on every pitchers curveball. This is America, and this is the internet. If you're looking for necessary and intelligent things, you've clearly come to the wrong place.
    So, what is AARP and how do we measure it?
    As I envision it (and since I'm making it up, that's all that matters), AARP measures a player's contributions, on the field and off, to provide amusement and enjoyment to fans. Certainly a player's actual performance has an effect on that: hit a homer, boost your AARP, come into a tie game and give up five straight hits, your AARP takes a hit.
    We like successful players, but we also like players just because they are themselves. So the statistic also considers things like: a player's ability to earn and maintain a nickname (and no, adding -y/-ie to the end of a name doesn't make it a nickname--sorry fans of "Frankie" Liriano); their notable physical and personality traits (thereby giving credit to the short, the squat, the bearded and the crazy); their general attitude and demeanor (the more personable and interesting and less robotic the better); and miscellaneous oddities (i.e. Delmon saying his favorite book is The Great Gatsby or Eduardo Escobar's at bat music being a song from Grease).
    Like WAR (Wins Above Replacement) or VORP (Value Over Replacement Player), AARP can have a positive or a negative score. Each category has a range of -2 to +2 and totals up to give their overall AARP. A positive score reflects a player who makes the game enjoyable to watch (however mildly), zero reflects someone whose existence you forget about between games, and a negative one reflects a player who leaves you so bored, depressed or upset that anything (even Kardashians, Ginsu knife infomercials, and "Channel Not Available" notifications) seems to be a more valuable source of entertainment.
    How would the stat work? Consider these examples
    http://extras.mnginteractive.com/live/media/site569/2013/0917/20130917__9-17%20Twins%20Fryer_400.jpgEric Fryer: The Forgettable type (-.5 to .5)
    Play: Below average at an inconsequential time -0.1
    Nickname: None -0.2
    Traits: None noticed 0.0
    Demeanor: None noticed 0.0
    Oddities: None 0.0
    AARP: -0.3
    http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/c/ca/0923_286c_Jason_Bartlett.jpg
    Jason Bartlett: An everyday major leaguer (.5-2.0)
    Play: Adequate (slightly better once he left the team) 0.7
    Nickname: None -0.2
    Traits: Little scruffy goatee 0.2
    Demeanor: Calm 0.2
    Oddities: Name might remind you of The West Wing or a book of quotations. 0.4
    AARP: 1.3
    http://www.prosportsblogging.com/psb/uploads/2011/08/ben-revere-catch-bmp1.jpegBen Revere: A local favorite (2.1-5.0)
    Play: Great in the field, great base runner, terrible at hitting 0.8
    Nickname: None (Save for maybe Midnight Rider) 0.0
    Traits: Big smile, giddy laugh 0.7
    Demeanor: Happy and excited 0.4
    Oddities: Superman style leaps after balls, summersaulting triples 0.4
    AARP: 2.3
    http://www.artbyjon.com/070126EMT-111.jpg
    Michael Cuddyer: a nationally notable player (5.1-8.0)
    Play: Impressive arm, above average bat. 1.7
    Nickname: "Cuddles" "Magic Man" 1.8
    Traits: Big dimples, fondness for magic 2.0
    Demeanor: Personable, engaging, happy to talk with fans 1.3
    Oddities: Not many--typical dude. 0.0
    AARP: 6.8
    http://i.cdn.turner.com/si/multimedia/photo_gallery/1004/bubble.blowers/images/carlos-Gomez.jpgCarlos Gomez: A player who captivates casual and serious fans alike (8.1-10)
    Play: Phenomenal defense (recently, good offense) 1.5
    Nickname: "Gogo" "Mojo Gogo" "Go, go, Gomez" "Rin-go!" 1.8
    Traits: Hyperactivity, silliness, goofiness, sporadic bouts of petulance, funny little beard 1.9
    Demeanor: Happy, excitable, willing to talk about anything even if you don't understand him 1.7
    Oddities: Smelling bats, raptor yells in dug out 2.0
    AARP: 8.9
    http://siextramustard.files.wordpress.com/2013/08/alex-rodriguez.jpg?w=600&h=600Alex Rodriguez: A player who irritates casual and serious fans alike (Less than -.5>)
    Play: Very good at the plate, above average in the field 1.9
    Nickname: A-Rod, A-Hole .2
    Traits: Really toolish, egotistical, self-obsessed, obnoxiously pretty -2.0
    Demeanor: Egotistical, better than thou, convinced of massive conspiracy against him -2.0
    Oddities: Supposedly has a portrait of himself as a centaur, has movie star girlfriends feed him popcorn -2.0
    AARP: -3.7
    Sure there's room to debate the accuracy of these scores, especially since what is amusing to me may not be amusing to you. After all, if a statistic is subjective, is it really a statistic anymore?
    Then again, this is a totally made up statistic that doesn't actually exist beyond the confines of this weird little corner of cyber space, so maybe we shouldn't spend too much time worrying about that, and just use this as a mildly amusing way to pass the offseason.
    In that spirit I'll use AARP to analyze how the Twins did in 2013, staring with a few notable hitters, then moving on to the pitchers and front office staff. And while the management seems generally disinclined to consider statistics in their evaluations of talent, maybe a made up statistic will have more credence with them and we'll build for a future when the Twins are both talented and fun!
  4. PeanutsFromHeaven
    I read this in the Economist last week


    http://cdn.static-economist.com/sites/default/files/imagecache/full-width/images/2013/10/blogs/game-theory/20131005_blp502.jpg



    Cuban athletes in all sports will now be allowed to compete in foreign leagues, as long as they pay taxes of around 20% at home and remain available to play for their country in major competitions.


    ...


    Unfortunately for MLB, however, the new policy will have only a minimal impact on the league’s access to Cuban stars....The United States’ trade embargo bans any transaction that would fund the Castros’ government. As a result, the requirement that Cuban athletes playing abroad pay local taxes on their income would prevent MLB clubs from signing players who plan to comply.
    So naturally I came up with this simple, totally impossible, utterly unfeasible, only in an alternate reality solution. I hope you enjoy it: dare to dream fans, dare to dream.

    TWINS TERRITORY SECEDES FROM USA
    New Nation Lends Support to Cuban Regime




     
    Puckettsburgh, TT
    In a stunning announcement yesterday, a section of the country known as Twins Territory announced that they would secede from the United States of America and form their own sovereign nation.
     
    "The time has come for, you know, action," said newly appointed supreme Chairman Mauer. "And, huh, you know, It's best for us all to separate ourselves from the bickering and squabbling over debt ceilings and Obamacare and acknowledge that while America has had a good run, it's best for us to get out while the getting is good."
    http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-J2k2ItX8R3Y/SsCb-bbaujI/AAAAAAAABRo/kRl0EfRFXb0/s320/Statue.jpgChairman Mauer then added, "I mean, how much worse could it be than our current system?"
     
    The new republic will encompass large sections of what was formerly Minnesota, North Dakota, South Dakota and Iowa. Concerns that those who live in the demarcated region may not be Twins fans were immediately allayed by Minister of Martial Redistricting Ron Gardenhire, "we're going to do one of those partitionsies. Mauersy and I talked about it and feel real good about it. It was kinda rough for India-y and Pakistan for a while, but you know, they battled and got through it and uh, real proud of them."
     
    As for how the nation will sustain a functioning economy Minister of Financial Oversight Jim Pohlad was quick to explain. "We figure that a lot of people will keep coming to support us, and without American taxes to hold us back we can spend as much as we like. Beyond that, we've got some great corporate partners lined up, oh...and Best Buy...we've got them too. Plus the Wilfs said we could just have "personal living licenses to raise revenue, that seems like a winner."
     
    But the shocking first act of the new country was to appoint Tony Oliva as official Twins Territory Ambassador to Cuba. As Chairman Mauer said: "It's a, ummm, no-brainer, you know. Uhh, Tony has the experience and the commitment and the willingness to do what it takes to win, so...yeah."
    Oliva's first task will be to reopen trade negotiations between the two states, the result of which will be that Cubans can play in Twins Territory without the hassle of often dangerous attempts to defect. Players would be able to return home and improve the lives of their families and loved ones rather than being forced to remain alienated in a foreign land indefinitely.
     
    "I don't know if they'll remember me," said Oliva, "but hey, it's no crazier than signing Nishioka and a whole lot faster than waiting for us to develop a pitcher."
     
    Adopting a large portion of Cuba's talent pool into the Twins Minor League system already has Baseball experts salivating. "First Sano, then Buxton and now this?" said ESPN's baseball/foreign affairs analyst Keith Law. "The Twins might be the craziest pack of lunatics outside of North Korea, but crazy has its benefits."


  5. PeanutsFromHeaven
    Last Friday, I attended what will likely be my last game of the year. As you would expect, I ate more than was good for me, and watched the Twins go down in ignominious defeat.
    I also heard a noise I had never heard before at the ballpark.
    There were men at first and second with one out when a ground ball rolled harmlessly to Trevor Plouffe. One out, easy as pie...but did he throw the ball to second base for the double play? No. No he did not.
    I've heard fans boo; I've heard fans jeer; I've heard fans scream and cry and gnash their teeth in frustration, but until that play I had never heard fans make this noise in unison:
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-kYOpd-bmN6Q/UjuqjZV6zJI/AAAAAAAACNY/LUV-4bDats8/s200/PlouffePants.jpg[/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]BAD PLOUFFE!![/TD]

    [/TABLE]

    "YAA--waahhhh--ohhhhh....uuuggghh..."


    It took me a while before I realized what that was. It was the sound of resigned disappointment. It was the sound of hundreds of Twins fans having a reaction that was not only instantaneous, it was bred from months and now years of watching Trevor Plouffe play baseball.
    YAA--it starts with excitement, potential, possibility, familiar thrills.
    Waaahhhhh--then comes disbelief, sharp, incredulous, dumbfounded.
    Ohhhhh--then there's recognition, a sense that this has all happened before, particularly when there's that number 24 on the jersey.
    Uuuggghh--finally there's dismay, dissatisfaction, and acceptance that this is our lot in life. As if to say: "Of, course you did that, Trevor, of course you did."
    Best of all, the sound can be reversed for a pleasant appreciation of underrated talent (only this time, when Trevor Plouffe is at the plate). A single, a double, the rare high arching home run. They're all moments of pure Plouffey pleasure starting with rumbling fear (uuuggghh), recognition (ohhhh), disbelief (waaahhhhhh) and excitement (YAA!)
    That's what Trevor Plouffe adds to the Twins: a familiar face and even more familiar reaction. Whatever else we think of the Twins, whatever we think they ought to do in the offseason, who they ought to fire, hire or blow up in a quest to reverse the bad juju, we can all agree on Trevor Plouffe.
    Maybe Plouffe's doing it intentionally. Maybe, like Haley Mills (or more accurately, like Lindsey Lohan), he's offering us a Parent Trap like chance to rekindle our love for each other.
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-LjZsmbwD2LA/UjuqjQLdHHI/AAAAAAAACNU/sreGEu1ar2A/s200/PlouffeDaddy.jpg[/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Good Plouffe![/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    If we're torn between whether to rebuild the pitching staff internally or cast our lot amongst the free agents--Trevor Plouffe reminds us that we can all agree on his crappy fielding.
    If we're arguing fiercely over whether Joe Mauer ought to move to first base or keep his catching gear--Trevor Plouffe reminds us that he too can hit from time to time.
    If we're arguing over whether Trevor Plouffe totally stinks or only mostly stinks...well...you get the idea.
    In a season of lost causes and hopeless false starts, it's important to appreciate the little things: Trevor Plouffe uniting us all in agreement is one of them. Bravo Trevor, Bravo.
  6. PeanutsFromHeaven
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container, align: center]


    http://stmedia.startribune.com/images/434*328/1%20gal%20twins090713.jpg

    [TD=class: tr-caption]Kevin Corriea: Determined to Win My Wife a Scotch[/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    At the start of the year my wife (aka Stinky), her father (aka Gouger) and I made a bet. The winner of this bet would win two glasses of scotch (redeemable at any time they chose), the losers would buy said scotch.



    The subject of the bet, naturally for a set of Twins fans, was how many games the Twin would win this year, so as we near the end of the season, it seems only right to check our progress and odds of winning the bet. (What else is there to root for this year?)

    The Wagers



    http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-LoF23tzGRLU/SFb5dTSQ9TI/AAAAAAAAAjo/E_btyqwO6mE/s200/PFH.jpgStinky: 0-69 WinsScruffy: 70-74 WinsGouger: 75-81 Wins

    Where We Are Now


    The Twins stand at 61-80 for a winning percentage of .433. Based on that winning percentage the Twins stand to win 70 games (or 71 if you prefer the science behind predictionmachine.com). The team has 21 games left. which means we're each rooting for the following outcomes.
    Stinky: 8-13 or worse wins or lessScruffy: 9-12 to 13-8Gouger: 14-7 or better


    Gut Feeling


    For the time being the math is in my favor. But I'm increasingly hard pressed to see how the Twins can win even 9 games, especially as they face a string of playoff teams. Fielding a team of Rochester's best against the A's and the Rays this week seems like the recipe for an underwhelming week. Maybe they could pull something off against the Angels (if Pedro Hernandez gets his act together) and maybe they can sneak one from the A's...but more than two seems unlikely.
     
    We'll check in on this again next because, again...why the heck not?


  7. PeanutsFromHeaven
    Hi again humans.
    I am Sidney, and I am blogging for my humans. Why you ask? My humans are frustrated with the Twins. They lose and lose, they say. My humans even argue over how much the Twins will lose, which is kind of silly because even if one of my humans win...they will watch the Twins lose.
    When my hairy human takes me in the car (which I hate so much it makes me vomit in fury), he presses a button and we hear the voices of other people talking about the Twins...and how much they lose. Every voice seems to sound the same: very sad. Are all you Twins fans very sad about losing? Are all you Twins fans very sad when you need to talk about the Twins?
    You shouldn't be. And I know one of you isn't. Once in the evil car, I heard a human say "We could talk about the Twins," while two humans went "NO" in the sad voice that follows me peeing on the carpet. But one human went "Yay!" I like that human. I think he is a geek. But I like him just the same.
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7174/6577346141_20da68d23c.jpg[/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]I didn't even have my teeth
    on it...rookie mistake.[/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    It is okay to lose. Take it from me, I used to lose every time I played tug with my humans. For years! I brought them my toy and they pulled it away no matter how hard I held on to it. Then they threw it...like they didn't even want the toy in the first place! Why take my toy if you don't want to keep it?!? (Ugh...my humans are dumb sometimes.) So I go get the toy and bring it back to ask them, then they try to take it again...only to throw it again!!
    My humans are surprised that I keep playing this game. But it is because I lost so many times that I started to find ways to win! I learned from my losses. If I wag the toy in front of the hairy human, he misses grabbing it, and I can run away to chew it elsewhere! If I flop in front of the pretty human after she takes the toy, she drops it and starts petting me...WINNER!
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://www2.pictures.zimbio.com/gi/Pedro+Florimon+Minnesota+Twins+v+Atlanta+Braves+4kDwO1O2LAPl.jpg[/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Good boy, Pedro![/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    *Side note: I very much want to play tug and fetch with Pedro Florimon. He throws things like my humans. But he also chases them like me. He would make a very good playing partner. His Total Zone Runs Saved above Average is 4th best in all of baseball! My humans do not even make the list of players in baseball. They are not as good as Pedro. If I could just grow opposable thumbs, Pedro Florimon and I would play together all day long!*
    It is sad that the Twins are losing. But because they lose I think that they will soon be able to win! They are basically a team of puppies. Puppies do not immediately win every game of tug, young players do not immediately win championships.
    Some people say they are mad that the Twins are not trying to win. They are not playing good players! They are not hiring good players! I understand. You pay money. You want to see good things. But just think of the players as puppies. I think the human gnome man who manages the Twins already thinks of them this way. He calls them by puppy names! If "Gibby" struggles, it's okay, he's just learning. If "Hicksy" can't hit, it's okay, he's just learning. If "Oswaldo-y" drops a ball, it's okay, he's just learning
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-JTqDX40Zjos/ULi3bXEtwBI/AAAAAAAAB4Y/f6b9u-Kv4lw/s200/IMG_5768.JPG[/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Now imagine 8 more of me
    at Target Field![/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    Sure, you can go out and buy already trained dogs who will win games of tug and always go fetch and win many blue ribbons for prettiness. But they cost a lot of money and so you can probably only buy one or two. BUT! You could always buy a bunch of little puppies and train them to win games of tug and go fetch and look pretty all the time. Plus, you get to see puppies. And puppies are cute.
    Like me.
    So be like the Geeky human in the car. Cheer for the puppies! They will learn! You will be proud!
    YAY PUPPIES! YAY TWINS!!
  8. PeanutsFromHeaven
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://farm7.staticflickr.com/6032/6342798396_df65fee285.jpg
    [/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]I SEE YOU READING THIS CAT!!
    [/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    Hello again.
    I am Sidney the Dog. And I am writing the August posts for my humans. They are training to run 10 miles. They are weird.
    I have noticed that many humans are weird. If you are a human who is reading this, think about it. (But if you are a cat on a human's lap reading this...HEY! STOP BEING A CAT!! BE A DOG!!! DOGS ARE BETTER!!!)
    Anyway, think about it: you humans look at a number of glowy things all day long. You watch them very carefully and the things on them make you laugh and cry and shout things. That seems weird. I don't laugh or cry or shout...well except at cats (HEY CAT READING THIS!! I SAID STOP BEING A CAT!!). My humans say it's wierd I pee on so many things...but what is weirder: getting emotional over things on glowy boxes or using urine to claim ownership of things you care about?
    You humans don't show you care about things by peeing on them...you show it by being emotional. You care about eachother. You care about what you see on the glowy things. And you care about fluffy things like me. You are loyal to things you love. Thats why my humans are always together, and why they watch their glowy things even when it makes them mad or makes them cry, and why they pet me even after I pee on their carpets*.
    *(I just wanted to make sure any visiting dog knows that I own the carpet. Just to make sure no one takes it away. It's a good carpet. And it is mine.)
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://ryanhenning.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/Morneausurprised.jpg
    [/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Justin Morneau...who is not as cute as me
    [/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    My humans are loyal to the Twins too. My lady human likes Justin Morneau very much. She whoops when he hits home runs and says "it's okay" when he strikes out. Sometimes, when my hairy human is not around, she says he is cute. But she says I am the cutest. So that's okay.
    But she is very nervous. She says she hopes Justin does not get traded. I don't understand trading. Why would you send something you like away for something new. I would never "trade" my carpet. It is a good carpet, and I have marked it as mine.
    But my hairy human says it would be okay if they traded Justin to some place he could win. He wants Justin to do well and says Justin cannot do it with the Twins right now. And trading Justin, he says, will help the Twins later. He likes Justin too, so he wants Justin to be happy.
    I suppose if my carpet wanted to go somewhere else I would let it. But c'mon...it's a carpet...it just lies there being soft and easy to sleep on and smelling like me.
    You humans care so much about so many things. I only care about the things I pee on. And the things I chew on. And my humans. And the humans my humans care about...I guess I care about a lot of things too. I guess I am weird too.
    I know that lots of the humans who write these baseball blog things, write about the good and the bad about trading the Twins. I don't know about that. I'm just a little puppy. I suppose a starting left hander with upside in A Ball (probably between 19 and 21) and/or an upper level corner infielder with an established glove (no less than +5 UZR rating over the last two-three seasons to mentor Sano and others) would be ideal, if a little wishful given the market restraints and the limited time remaining in the season. But what do I know? I'm just a little puppy.
    I know that as much as humans who like baseball can dream about trades, none of us will make a trade happen (especially me, because I am a dog). Just because you think about it does not make you not care about players you have always liked, and just because you worry that the trade will happen does not make you not care about the team getting better.
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7145/6577380017_14c2a6229b.jpg
    [/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Will accept trade offers for
    the human on the right
    [/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    You care about things, and you think about giving up the things you care about. You guys are weird. I would never trade my humans. I care about them, and they care about me, and we are all weird together.
    Though, I suppose...if any blogger wants my hairy human and is willing to trade me three months worth of steaks and my own personal extra comfy carpet...I may be willing to reconsider that...it better not have another dog's pee on it though.
    Bye for now...I'm going to lie on my carpet.
    Sidney the Dog
  9. PeanutsFromHeaven
    http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_lrSktXEYwg/T4xkrxSCU2I/AAAAAAAABmk/oYt4X6yDo4I/s320/IMG_5087.JPG
    Hello Humans...my name is Sidney. I am a dog. I am going to write some blog posts this month.
    My humans normally write this blog thingy about baseball and good stuff. But lately they've been all tired and stuff. They get up and run many miles while I sleep on the porch. They work on things like spreadsheets and lesson plans while I sleep on the couch. They clean up the house and and read lots of books and cook tasty foods while I sleep on...well..anything they aren't cleaning or reading on.
    That leaves very little time for baseball watching, and even less time for baseball writing. The hairy human calls these "the dog days of August..." So I guess they are days for me to pick up the slack!
    I like baseball. It is a chance to eat food that my humans drop and sit next to them for three hours of uninterrupted petting. I also like watching the humans on the screen. They run and run and run...like me! They chase balls lots and lots...like me! They are capable of amazing feats of strength and power.
    I am fluffy.
    But I would rather be fluffy than be strong.
    I think the Twins would be better if they balanced strongness with fluffiness.
    Think about it. If you hit the ball over the fence then you cannot chase it anymore. It's gone. Behind every wall are gnomes and pixies and things that are playing with the ball. I can smell them. They are bad. The Twins should keep the ball on their side of the wall so they can keep playing with it. If it hits off the wall than the Twins get to run and run, and the other teams have to run and run.
    I know that the power is a good thing and it helps the Twins to win the games that make so many humans happy. But if all you have is power, then you don't have other good things, like speed and fluffiness!
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://extras.mnginteractive.com/live/media/site569/2013/0605/20130605__130605_Twiins_BrianDozier_hair_400.jpg[/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Atta Human, Brian![/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    So they should hit some home runs but not only home runs. They should be like the strongest, fluffiest person I know: Brian Dozier. He is an inspiration to us all. Sometimes strong, but always fluffy. Of course, a .726 OPS is not that impressive, but it is marginally above the second base average for the league and shows signs of improvement that may continue in coming years. Also his hair is fluffy. He is my favorite.
    Okay, my human is looking for someone to play tug-of-war with. I am going to beat him this time. For I am strong and fluffy. I am the Brian Dozier of the Dog World.
    Bye for now humans. Enjoy the dog days
    Sidney the Dog
  10. PeanutsFromHeaven
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://www.sportspickle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/arod-cigar.jpg[/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Is that a match or a cup of tea?
    (sportspickle.com)[/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    I've always been a bit of a softie when it comes to athletes in trouble. I rooted for Nick Blackburn and Tsuyoshi Nishioka to make a comeback when they were as unpopular as they could possibly be, I defended Joe Mauer through the public vitriol that surrounded his last two underwhelming seasons (I even still like Johan Santana despite his recent troubles). It took me a long time to even acknowledge that favorite players from my youth (like Mark McGwire) could be cheating, and once they were I found ways to appreciate their performances despite it all.
    So I may seem an unlikely person to say this, but: I want Alex Rodriguez to lose every-damn-thing he has.
    Ideally this would be Pete Rose territory. Done for life, reduced to lurking on the fringes of the game, a cautionary tale for all the players who follow.
    The 300 Million? I want it given back to the Rangers and Yankees for gross misappropriation--after all somebody who breaks rules has fundamentally stolen from their employer. (Holy cow, I can't believe I want the Yankees to get money back...)
    The 3 MVPs? Take them back, mark them void, send him on an apology tour to the homes or clubhouses of every player he cheated his way past in the record books, every player he pushed to join him in using, every player he blocked from a major league debut and the pride of that achievement.
    The pull he had over the media (from self-aggrandizing interviews to popcorn-feeding-gate) for the better part of a decade? Ask the media to announce his ban and then refuse him any chance to explain himself. Shut his ass out and give him a national cold shoulder. (Should be particularly painful for a man so insecure and self-obsessed as Rodriguez).
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container, align: center]

    [TD=align: center]http://www.totalprosports.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/cameron-diaz-feeding-alex-rodriguez-popcorn.gif[/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]I feel gross even posting this
    (totalprosports.com)[/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    Why am I picking on A-Rod? Why berate him, while acknowledging that I can see a case for Bonds, Sosa, McGwire and Clemens in the hall of fame? Why dream up punishments that are totally unfeasible particularly when there's no chance to enact them? Why vent some spleen all over his head while ignoring the frustrations of players on the team I actually care about?
    To be honest, I'm not totally sure. Anger doesn't help anything: what's done is done and shouting about it doesn't change what happened.
    The depths of his cheating are no worse and no better than those of Bonds et. al. Bud Selig's not about to satisfy my personal whims. And what befalls a delusional multi-millionaire has little effect on other things I worry about (my family, my friends and Oswaldo Arcia's maturation at the plate).
    I think ultimately the reason I'm so mad about A-Rod is because I feel personally defrauded.
    Like I said, I'm a softie. So when he admitted to using before, I was let down but encouraged by the thought that he would admit a mistake and let us all start fresh. I didn't really want him to break any records, but if he could just move on with some dignity and class, I would appreciate the chance to beat him fairly and squarely.
    I wasn't driving the "Forgive and Forget" bandwagon, but I was all for sweeping the ugly incident under the rug and moving on with life. I wasn't going to attend games with chants or sneers or crude signage, I was just going to shake my head and applaud when a Twins pitcher made him look silly.
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://rollingout.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/leos-alex_rodriguez1.jpg[/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]A-Rod with his one true love
    (rollingout.com)[/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    But I was lied to. We were all lied to. Asked to believe that he was more than he is, that he means more than he does, to give him a measure of courtesy that he certainly doesn't feel that average people are entitled to ("I'm going to keep lying to you, you just pretend like you don't mind it")
    Alex Rodriguez is baseball's A-hole boyfriend. He cheated on us...twice. He stole our money and spent it on his own obscene comfort.
    This isn't Nick Blackburn and Tsuyoshi Nishioka hurting a team by playing poorly; this isn't Joe Mauer or Johan Santana cashing a large paycheck while hurt; this isn't a player who tried and failed despite their best efforts to play well or stay healthy.
    This is a player who knowingly and willfully misled a large group of fans, executives and teammates for his own gain....twice. This is a player who knew what he was doing was against the rules and proceeded to do it anyway...twice. This is a person who hurt those who watch, those who play, those who earn their living from a game he supposedly "loves", and who expects us all to let him do it.
    Alex Rodriguez is baseball's a-hole boyfriend. Using us, abusing us, insisting that he'll change and that he should be trusted in spite of a god awful track record. I can forgive those who make an effort. I can forgive those who have bad luck. I can forgive those who make a mistake...even if it takes them way too long to admit it.
    But I refuse to tolerate, defend or ignore reprehensible behavior. Anger doesn't change that behavior...but it is an honest reaction to it.
    Hmmm...honesty....something our a-hole boyfriend might want to try.
  11. PeanutsFromHeaven
    Buyers or Sellers
    Remember the start of the season when all the "experts" were forecasting a fall from grace for the Yankees? [sigh] Those were the days to be a Yankee hater. Now a team of has-beens and "who-the-hell?"s are sitting a couple games over .500 and just a hundful games out of the Wild Card race.
     
    And even if they weren't, the Yankees would still be buyers. They'll always be buyers
     
    A plague of flesh eating bacteria could decimate the entire franchise, and the Yankees would still be buyers because everyone in the Bronx, from the owners, to the fans, to the flesh eating bacteria, expects it of them.
     
    What they need
    The Yankees offense has been less Bronx Bombers and more Trenton Tiddlywinks, ranking 22nd out of 30 teams in run scored (2 spots behind the Twins), so hitters will be welcomed
     
    Early in July, they hoped rehabbing all-stars would eliminate any need to trade for hitting. But a combination of surgery, re-injury, delayed rehab and an acute case of "threatened suspension for steroid use" have created a need at first base, short stop, the outfield and third base.
     
    Even with those gaping holes, and though the pitching staff has often carried the offense, the Yankees know that you can never have enough pitching and will at least consider spare starters, strong relievers or literally anyone with an arm attached to their shoulder. Sorry Venus de Milo.
    What Might Work
    Justin Morneau isn't up to Lyle Overbay's standard, nor is Jamey Carroll a better back up for Jeter's spot. With Willingham hurt, Ryan Doumit would be the only outfielder to help, and he can't fit with Ichiro's in right, Francisco Cervilli returning to catch, and a number of DHs in waiting.
     
    Trevor Plouffe might not curl the toes of the New York Post, but with A-Rod on the edge of oblivion, and back ups Kevin Youkilis/Jayson Nix banged up too, he's a vast improvement on the spare parts out there now. While the Yanks have been ogling Chase Headly and Michael Young, both would be pricey, making Plouffe not only viable but relatively affordable.
     
    Though the Twins (unsurprisingly) don't have a starter who would upgrade New York's rotation, they could help solidify a strong bullpen. Sadly, David Robertson has been anointed as heir to Mariano's throne (sorry Perkins theorists), but Brian Duensing could be a welcome extra lefty alongside Boone Logan (improving on Joba the Hutt).
     
    Sleeper Targets
    Jose Campos--RHP (20--A)
    Campos is back in form after an elbow injury last season. He'd be ideal for Twins coaches, with a variety of pitches and good control numbers (1.7 BB/9, 5.08 K/BB). The elbow may make him a relatively low buy in the right deal.
    Vidal Nuno--LHP (25--AAA)
    Nuno also fits the Twins formula. He has an array of pitches around the plate (1.05 WHIP in minors). He doesn't throw hard, which could mean he gets lucky; if so, he's been lucky at every level for several years, which might be less luck and more like command.
    Rafael DePaula--RHP (22--A+)
    DePaula crushed Low A Charleston this year before scuffling lately at High A Tampa (14 R/12 IP). He struck out Byron Buxton at the Future's game and has huge upside, but he's a big risk due to a lack of off-speed stuff and a birth certificate conundrum.
     
    Brett Marshall--RHP (23--AAA)
    Roughed up in his Major League debut start, and shaky in Scranton (1.69 WHIP & 58 BB/ 94 IP), Marshall's recent results are better. But the sink on his fastball and change haven't translated to ground balls...worrisome.
    Dream Target
    Gary Sanchez--C (20--A+)
    Sanchez is the Yankees power prospect. He has 13 homers so far in his second season at High A and is drooled over by Bronx Zoo residents the same way Twins fans drool over Miguel Sano. At a premium defensive position, he'd be a valuable asset (especially with Joe Mauer nearing transition time). Better still, Sanchez and resident catching prospect Josmil Pinto become two options to offer should we need an impact arm at future trade deadlines (though hopefully that impact arm isn't named Matt Capps).
  12. PeanutsFromHeaven
    (This little diatribe is originally posted and possibly more clearly formatted at our other website: Peanuts from Heaven)
     
    In what will come as no surprise to anyone who reads my writing regularly, I don't like math. I much prefer words (hence the whole teaching English and writing-a-tonnage-of-words-for-my-own-amusement-thing), but I know that math has a valuable place in the world.
    That's why I read London based magazine The Economist (well, that and the snarky captions & covers). In the most recent issue, one of the magazine's Science and Technology writers explained how mathematics can solve the primary dilemma that athletes, governing bodies and fans face when they face steroid use.
    Using the game theory branch of mathematics, the writer explains how and why using steroids to cheat can seem to be the only rational behavior for athletes, especially those involved in direct competition with other individuals (like the recently implicated sprinters Tyson Gay and Asafa Powell). While baseball, as a team game, is a slightly different scenario, many of the same principles hold, so consider how game theory explains the use of steroids in baseball through the following goofy teacher analogy (again, I teach English not Math, so bear with me...and if you are a math/economics person please tell me to pull down this post so I can make it actually accurate).
    Say you have two players getting together for a little driveway home run derby. Let's call them "Bryan Raun" and "Moe Jauer". They'll be competing against each other and have the option to either cheat or play fairly. That means that there are four possible outcomes depending on what each player decides to do. (Symbolized in the box below by "C"s for Cheat and "F"s for Fair).
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container, align: center]

    [TD=align: center]http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-COcZVOR2_gI/Ue_sdiiESEI/AAAAAAAACLQ/mEnoOYq3OZ0/s320/Game+Theory+1.tiff
    [/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]The Game Board
    [/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    If the player's only goal is to win, and if cheating helps them to do so (say, by making their muscles big and avoiding injuries through some magical injection or something) , it quickly becomes clear what they should do to maximize their chance to win: Cheat. If Moe cheats, he can win or have an even shot at winning. If he plays fairly he can lose or have an even shot at winning. Only 1 of the 4 outcomes (25%) can have playing fairly end with a chance to win, but 2 of the 4 outcomes (50%) can have cheating end with a chance to win. It's simple probability: Cheat.
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container, align: center]

    [TD=align: center]http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-WV4F_Zm4dYQ/Ue_sdgQDfkI/AAAAAAAACLY/gVyQdexDLvE/s320/Game+Theory+2.tiff
    [/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Option 1: The Merits of Cheating
    [/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    But let's say the game isn't played just between "Bryan" and "Moe". Let's say that Bryan's crazy Uncle Bud watches them to make sure that the game is played fairly (like most used car salesmen, Uncle Bud's ethical like that). Now Uncle Bud decides that he'll watch them play and if he catches either Moe or Bryan cheating they'll automatically lose. Suddenly the strategy of the game changes, and playing fair gives you a 50% probability of getting a chance to win, while cheating only gets you a 25% chance (i.e. if Moe and Ryan both cheat, but only Ryan gets caught, then Moe wins)
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container, align: center]

    [TD=align: center]http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-WxSW655f_k4/Ue_sdi6XXnI/AAAAAAAACLU/bkBs2Gwnaoo/s320/Game+Theory+3.tiff
    [/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Option 2: Fair Play
    [/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    That might be the best way to play the game, if like Uncle Bud, all you care about is ethics. But let's pretend that Uncle Bud likes money (I know, I know...odd for a Used Car Salesman), so Uncle Bud decides to let other people watch Bryan and Moe play for a nominal fee. We can also pretend that Uncle Bud invites Mike to sell lemonade at the game and promises both the fans and Mike that the game will be really entertaining, exciting and EXTREMELY competitive. (As an added bonus, whoever wins the most might earn a little more money from fans and could be hired by Mike to tell everyone how great that Lemonade is.)
    Now "Moe" and "Bryan" have even more incentive to win first and foremost, and Uncle Bud has an incentive slightly greater than fairness: he wants excitement, competition and success. So Moe and Bryan have to do some quick thinking. Does the desire to win and make money trump the desire for fairness?
    Many people immersed in Game Theory have argued that the most logical decision would be to think: "I can gain so much by cheating [winning, money, more money], and Uncle Bud can gain so much by not catching me [money, more money, lots of more money] that it makes sense to cheat if I can". But there's still a few people, like, say, Moe, who would illogically decide: "you know, um...I think the risks of getting caught [losing, losing money] outweigh the benefits, so I'll play it fairly." This way only one person (Bryan) wins...right up until the moment they get caught.
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container, align: center]

    [TD=align: center]http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-4tCeZh-5aik/Ue_seFvI5nI/AAAAAAAACLw/tssV3GJmRrY/s320/Game+Theory+4.tiff
    [/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Option 3: Split decision
    [/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    Now the first two scenarios (everybody cheats/everybody plays fair) hit the famous Nash Equilibrium (famous in part because it helped its namesake, John Nash Jr., win the nobel prize and famous in part because it was explained using
    ). This the point at which both people playing the game have maximized the benefit to themselves. The third and final scenario (one person cheats, the other doesn't) doesn't help either player as one will likely lose the game and money for a while, until the other player gets caught and loses everything.Now baseball is not a two person game between "Moe" and "Bryan", and there's no amount of data that cheating automatically leads to winning or success. But, hopefully that rudimentary use of Game Theory not only explains why cheaters cheat, and why testing matters, but helps us to look at the issue that really matters.
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-rybAPf8rnEU/Ue_seOZrQRI/AAAAAAAACLs/8kmKIoXFTXc/s1600/Game+Theory+C.tiff
    [/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]If winning is everything
    [/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    The bigger issue to me is not in understanding how or why "Moe" and "Bryan" do what they do, but in how Uncle Bud, Mike's Lemonade, and all those fans react to both cheating and playing fairly. The Nash Equilibrium could be reached if we each agree that the only thing that matters is winning. Moe and Bryan want to win so they cheat. Uncle Bud wants to make more money than the game of HORSE and the flag football game down the street, so he wants winners too. Mike's Lemonade wants champions to talk about the drink, thereby selling more lemonade, so it too wants winners. And if fans care first and foremost about beating the other guy, well...then it's all about winning...and it's all about cheating.
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-3bxCm_BsZqA/Ue_seSMgzCI/AAAAAAAACLo/AYgaZ5msHJ4/s1600/Game+Theory+F.tiff
    [/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]If fairness is everything
    [/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    But, and this is a huge BUT, if we decide that it's not only in our individual interest, but it's also in our collective interest to support a fair system, then we can still reach that Nash Equilibrium. Player's might individually want to keep their jobs and avoid long term suspensions. Owners might...okay...definitely will want more money from customers and partners who trust them and longer commitments from players who won't get suspended. Companies want to support the kinds of players and sports that people love. And customers want to feel respected by owners and companies as well as having players to admire on the road to success. Most importantly EVERYONE (players, owners, companies and customers) has a collective interest in keeping the game interesting and free of embarrassing scandal. That's where we can agree that fairness trumps winning, and that's the other option for equilibrium.
    Again, I know that the world of baseball is likely too big to get everyone in agreement about anything (hell, the DH debate is still a thing), but there's room for things to change, and most importantly there's room for fans to take action. Companies have already turned their back on Ryan Braun, and there's almost a unanimous boycott in place around Alex Rodriguez. Owners are leery of touching admitted users with a ten-foot pole and, increasingly, baseball players themselves are turning on those who use (As suggested by the Buster Olney story that "a pitcher drilled a hitter in a game this season, and when...he returned to the dugout, [he] explained...that he had plunked the guy because he’s a juicer -- a cheater, a PED user. The teammates who heard him understood.")
    Maybe we need a town hall meeting, maybe we need a vote from the fans, maybe we need a cathartic set of admissions and tears and pleas and angry denouncements and effigies and Oprah-orchestrated-hugs, but we need an agreement about what our goals are if we want to reach anything close to equilibrium. We don't all have to agree, we can't possibly all agree...but the closer we get to agreement the better for the game, the better for the fans and the better for everyone except the cheaters.
    Thank for enduring this installment of an English teacher tries his hand at Math, we now return you to your summer vacation.
  13. PeanutsFromHeaven
    (Disclaimer: since this seminar is designed for Luis Perdomo, Peanuts From Heaven shall not be held responsible for any injury--either physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual--incurred by any person who adopts seminar lessons as their own. We do however take complete credit for any improvement--either physical, mental, emotional or spiritual...and especially financial--of the life of any person who adopts seminar lessons as their own)
    http://thumbs4.ebaystatic.com/d/l225/m/m_6AoKqKx5RNjQjtpTmQSoA.jpgIt's time to once again boost the spirits of everyone's favorite middle-ish reliever LUIS PERDOMO!! To be sure it has been an up-and-down season for Perdomo, fortunately, lately the ERA and WHIP have been going down, while the K/9 and K::BB Ratio have been going up.
    Still, you can't take anything for granted, whether it's a baseball career or the financial funding for a faux-movitational-seminar. This is why it's increasingly important that you take the time to enjoy the little things in life Luis, like Pizza Stop Pizza! Conveniently located at 123 State Street, less than 2 blocks away from Frontier Field in Rochester!
    Nothing is promised to us in this world, and while we often focus on the importance of capitalizing on each opportunity we have in our professional lives these must be balanced with our personal lives. And we will have no life at all if we don't make time to consume delicious, nutritious food like the Jurassic Chicken Pizza at Pizza Stop Pizza!
    Our world is chaotic and always changing. It's important to savor things like the songs of birds, the shine of morning dew on a bed of flowers, the startling punch of Jurassic Barbecue Sauce and the amazing mixture of freshly picked spinach on many of Pizza Stop's excellent vegetarian pizzas.
    The more we appreciate the world around us, from the humble farmer harvesting fresh mushrooms, tomatoes and broccoli to the humble cheesemonger seeking an audience for delicious ricotta and parmesan cheeses, the more we integrate ourselves in the world and tap into the natural power of the world. And the more power we draw from the world the easier it is to excel in all that we do, whether that be writing blogs, making pizzas or pitching in Middle Relief for the Rochester Red Wings.
    So Luis, we hope that you take this lesson to heart. Enjoy the little things. Oil your glove with care. Chase after batting practice fly balls. Try a garlic, broccoli and mushroom pizza. And let the natural pleasure of these experiences--not to mention the much needed vitamins and minerals available in a fresh-made pizza pie--help you to de-restrain a force inside you.


    http://www.pizzastop1.com/images/slideshow2.jpg
    Promotional consideration for this post was not actually provided by Pizza Stop Pizza. But it totally could be if they wanted it to. Please mail checks and/or slices of pizza to "Peanuts From Heaven Inspirational Seminars LLC; 1234 5/6 Fake Street; St. Apolis, MN 90210"
  14. PeanutsFromHeaven
    There's a fuller write up "recapping" the last week plus in Twins Territory at our main blog, but here are a few key samplings from each series
     
    Game 76
    Marlins 5 - Twins 3
    The Twins have a good deal of early success against Miami's starter in the first inning, they run into trouble against Kevin "Killthrow" Slowey, who savored the opportunity to best the team that let him go. Elsewhere "Dr. Cakeburn"Nick Blackburn, and Boof Bonser plotted their revenges as part of the Legion of Pitching Doom.
    ...
     
    Game 79
    Twins 6 - Royals 2
    It was a big night as Twins' blogosphere's favorite pitching prospect--Kyle Gibson--made his debut as Kyle Gibson in Kyle Gibson's Twins Debut: Starring Kyle Gibson!! Fortunately Kyle Gibson perfectly embodied the Kyle Gibson-ness of Kyle Gibson by Kyle Gibsoning the Kyle Gibson all over the Kyle Gibson.
    Also the Twins won.
    Plus! Kyle Gibson
    ...
     
    Game 84
    Yankees 9 - Twins 5
    Seriously, Yankees, Seriously?
    After the first three games, the Twins set slightly lower expectations for their July 4th matinee against the Bronx bombers.
    *Objective 1: Kyle Gibson retires future hall of gamer Ichiro Suzuki 1 time! (DONE!!--after two hits and a run...but still...HE DID IT!!)
    *Objective 2: Avoid squandering bases loaded opportunities (DONE!!--We only squandered opportunities with two runners on! YAY!)
    *Objective 3: Deliver elbow pounds to Justin Morneau (HUZZAH...there was even a reason for doing it!)
    Meanwhile, in an alternate reality, our founding fathers set similarly low expectations for their July 4th matinee 237 years ago.
    *Objective 1: Declare a couple of ideas to sort of be kind of interesting.
    *Objective 2: Address the tyrannical reign of King George the III by passive aggressively not signing or including any kind of personal message inside Ye Olde Hallmarke Carde.
    *Objective 3: Only let Ben Franklin drink 13 pints of ale, instead of his customary 15.
    ...of course in that alternate reality the Minnesota Twins lost their Major League Cricket game to the New York Georges 720 to 15 (but Justin Morneau did hit two sixes...so that was nice...)
    http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-O5Pd-VMT7MU/Sm54Lbpo6ZI/AAAAAAAABOc/x2upKV4YnIs/s200/Brawny+Morneau.jpg

    Ballpark Food HaikuSweet and tangy PorkDeep Fried Pie and a GingerTastes like freedom, natch.

    Finally: SERIOUSLY?!? I mean....SERIOUSLY!?
     
     
  15. PeanutsFromHeaven
    On Friday Mrs. Peanut and I will go to England/Scotland on vacation, this means there will be very few PFH blogs coming out (I have a few scheduled to drop in absentia), but in preparation for that and as fine example of laziness time-management, I'm using a blog from another site: The Montanan Hooligans' World Cup Center since it relates to why I love baseball. If what I write makes you even slightly curious about more soccer writing, feel free to check that out...and know that while baseball might be hard to come by in merry old England...soccer...probably easier.

    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container, align: center]

    [TD=align: center]http://f.cl.ly/items/3R212C0V1w3X0d373H0m/twins.png[/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]I'll Buy This
    (mwillis.com)[/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    XI Reasons Being a Baseball Fan Makes it Easy to Be a Soccer Fan (and vice-versa)
     



    I. Under the surface strategy: Don't get me wrong, a well placed 3 run homer or penalty kick is all well and good, but more often than not it's not what you see happening on the ball, it's what's happening away from it that matters. Did the outfielders really leave the left field line open for Joe Mauer? Did you see how Asamoah Gyan made that run to the back post? Totally drew the defenses attention away from Dede Ayew. There's always something more to see than what you see.
     
    II. Minimal interruptions: The best games of baseball simply roll through, pitchers working quickly, catches made or missed, hits and walks building into rallies and sides swapping chances one after another. The same is true in soccer: passes and movements flowing seamlessly up and down the pitch for forty-five minutes at a time without a single commercial break. Sometimes there have to be bullpen bucket brigades, sometimes there's an obnoxious array of feigned injuries that eat up valuable time...but at their best the only thing that matters is playing the game.
     
    III. Players pay their dues: Both baseball and soccer have baby-faced phenoms who soar into view out of nowhere and take the world by storm (your Mike Trouts and Neymars, for example). But even the young bucks have to work their way up to the top: through Clearwater and Round Rock and Scranton until you get to Yankee Stadium or battling through Eindhoven and Valencia en route to London. But at the top levels of the game there are both phenoms and well seasoned vets who arrived at this stage through dedication and perseverance.
     
     
    http://www.spirit-wrestlers.com/photos/1953_Ty_Cobb_sm.jpghttp://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2011/12/16/article-2074930-0C491B25000005DC-474_468x338.jpg
    Cobb and Maradona would be best friends...after they killed each other
     


    IV. Body types are no bar: Speaking of dedication and perseverance, you don't watch soccer or baseball with the sense that they are totally different than you. Take the top 5 baseball players of all time (by WAR [excluding Barry *Human Asterix* Bonds]: Ruth, Young, W. Johnson, Mays and Cobb). Their slightly taller than average (5'10" [Mays] to 6'2 [Johnson], and range from 170 pounds (Cobb) to 220 (Ruth), unlike the sky scraping NBA's top 5 (by PER: Jordan, James, O'Neal, Chamberlain and Robinson--all over 6'6") or the NFLs (by AVV: Favre, Rice, Manning, White and Lewis--all over 200 lbs, [minus Rice its 220]). Soccer players have a similar everyman quality about them--with the one exception that none of them had Ruth's hot dogs and beer diet--but world renowned names like Pele, Maradona, Johann Cruyff and Franz Beckenbauer are all under 6 feet. Helping you dream that just maybe you could do it too.


    V. Whole new world of statistical analysis: While I've often been accused of being a numbers-averse, story heavy fan/writer, I absolutely appreciate well employed statistical analysis. And increasingly Soccer has started using advanced stats with serious foresight. Added into a vocabulary full of BABIP and VORP comes PS% (Pass Success %) and ADW (Aerial Duels Won). Heck, FIFA even sold naming rights to a statistic to Castrol! So as someone who appreciates their affectionate nerdery with a dash of numbers, it's an ideal situation.
    VI. Long Season as an Asset: Part of the reason statistical analysis works so well in baseball and increasingly in soccer is the sheer size of the season, you can be confident that you're getting a good sample size with six months worth of games. Better still, you get to know players and story lines as they develop, and you also get a sense that every game counts because pennants are a badge of honor in baseball (and one of the only ways into the playoffs) and they are the whole kit and caboodle in futbol. While soccer does have a variety of in-season tournaments (an idea I floated on my own baseball blog), there's a great deal to savor in every game, no matter where you stand.
     
     
     
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/Balotelli.jpg[/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Admire the honesty...until you get freaked out by how honest it could be....[/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    VII. Loyalty rewarded: Being a fan requires loyalty, sincerity and pride of purpose. It seems a little silly to non-fans that you care so much about a group of men you'll never meet, and yet you really come to feel like you live with and for the players you watch every day, cheering on their successes and screaming over their failures. And in the end there are players who want to be every bit as loyal to their fans and their adopted home as the fans are to them, which is why Jim Thome tears up in Minnesota, and why Mario Balotelli still wants to play for Italy, no matter what obscenities some people throw his way.
     
    VIII. Front office strategy galore: Loyalty is great, but for many fans, winning is better. So I have to appreciate the cajoling, conniving and various intricacies of altering a roster to make your team better. It's not just Terry Ryan's trade talks, it's the waiver wire watching and the AAA call-ups. That's not an option in a lot of other sports, but it is in soccer. Twice a year ownership groups go on spending sprees that would make the worst shopaholics blanche. They scour the globe for the best talents and drop a dime or two to bring them aboard (50 M seems to be the going rate for the best scorers these days). But that's not all...there's a raft of players in youth development programs itching for a call-up and rigorous competition among players already on the team striving to unseat one another. What will happen and where and with whom? Half the fun is that the hot-stove season never really ends.
     
     
     
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://www.hurriyetdailynews.com/images/news/201205/n_21519_4.jpg[/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Pretty awesome
    (Hurriyet Daily News)[/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    IX.Female fans, not objects: With three boys and a boy-at-heart, my mother might seem to care about sports out of self defense, but she really worried about the hole in Delmon Young's swing, the Viking's doomed defensive schemes, Wolves' missed passes and, of course, offsides traps. But she rolls her eyes every time football and basketball cameras zoom in on bouncing/bouyant cheerleaders, and she brought me up to do the same. Look around a baseball stadium and you find no cheerleaders or spirit squads, just women in the stands bemoaning bad middle relief or celebrating good plate discipline. The same thing holds true on soccer terraces (possibly because women in the US play the game at an elite international level), where every well paced pass and deflected shot are cause for joy or alarm. I don't think cheerleaders are evil...but I know I'd rather be around women who know and love the game they're watching.
     
    X. Low scoring: This might be even less American than saying, I feel weirded out having eye candy cheerleaders shoved in my face. I like low scoring contests. I like it when runs or goals come at a premium rather than in a bundle, because it encourages you to relish every opportunity you get. It also highlights that, though you may fail, persistence is it's own reward.
     
    XI. Sweet satisfaction in toppling the almighty: One of the things that goes hand-in-hand with low scoring affairs, is that anyone can be beaten at any time. The Yankees may spend more than the gross national product of Belize, but scrape together a few runs and they can be beaten. Manchester City may drop more hundred dollar bills than Montgomery Burns taking out the trash, but sneak a late goal and they too can be beaten. It feels great to be a Twins fan when the pin-stripers are scratching their heads in dismay, and equally great when Watford unseats City (or, on a global scale--when the plucky old stars and stripes shocks England/Spain or any one of a host of European Goliaths).
    http://f.cl.ly/items/2o3R0J2q0b162V3Y1U28/millers.png
     
    It's easy to love sports. And when you love these things, it's easy to share the love between two great games.
     
     
    I'm looking forward to visiting the birthplace of one great game, and to a great year of both games.

  16. PeanutsFromHeaven
    Rather than continually reposting the same stuff here as on my other website--and since these recaps are often (week) late--I'm going to trim down these posts to more manageable bite size single best game write ups I've got, and trust that if you want to read more you will find it at THIS WEBSITE!
     
    Game 69
    Twins 7 - White Sox 5
    The Twins do not care for power hitting. It hurts the feelings of our opponents after all, and we can't have that.
    But we're willing to make an exception for the White Sox.
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container, align: center]

    [TD=align: center]http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wnP_shfgWQM/TgYgI3wh92I/AAAAAAAAB5A/C12Qq8t3zyA/s1600/Mauer+Poster.jpg[/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Mauer the Great and Powerful[/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    Said Chairman Joe Mauer of his two-run homer: "Ya know...all things are possible through the will of the Twinnesotan Proletariat and ya know umm....My power will continue to make Twinnesota the greatest, strongest most powerful nation the world has ummm...ya know...ever known."
    Meanwhile, Ryan Doumit's game winning double was slammed to left center over the sounds of sweet smooth jazz and a beautiful sunset.
    For more recaps, a ballpark food haiku and the return of one of our very first memes be sure to check out the PFH home page on blogger.
  17. PeanutsFromHeaven
    This post (and a wealth of other goofy ones like it) is available at our independent website:
    Peanuts From Heaven Inc. 
    http://blogs.villagevoice.com/runninscared/images/yankee_fans-600.jpg


    Most people have a "Yankees fans stink" story.
    Back at the Metrodome, my wife and her father sat in front of three "woo-girls" from Iowa, so desperate for Derek Jeter's attention that they squealed and shouted "pretty much every time he existed". The game didn't matter, just Jeter's existence.
    I was in a grad school class on research methods in education, proudly sporting a Twins jersey during game one of the 2009 ALDS. A guy in a gray Yankees jersey standing outside the room stared me down until I turned to see him. He then pounded his chest like a silver back gorilla and mouthed a few "you sucks" at me. Later in the class he returned having written down the scores from different innings to gloatingly inform me of the Twins' loss.
    I trust that many readers have their own stories: stories about bandwagon hoppers, profane screamers, self-deluded wannabes who think their shirsey is partially responsible for one of the last 27 World Championships. It's the kind of self-important egomania that is totally anathema to Minnesotan humility/shame/self-deprecation.
    The easy solution is to get mad, get defensive or get dismissive, but consider--for a moment--the tragedy of being a Yankees fan.
    Part of this has to do with a long standing theory of we Peanuts from Heaven (one that might answer Nick Nelson's supposition that: "A record that horrible [23-61 over 10 years] goes beyond what would be expected with even the most lopsided talent differentials. No, there's something else at play here, as if the universe were conspiring to keep the poor little Midwestern Twins under the thumb the Evil Empire").
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Mrhn9eiw-Us/S-3RXKAGW4I/AAAAAAAABmw/veuuKo0IEVs/s200/Sparkles.jpg
    [/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Don't be fooled by
    the sparkles...he's a Yankpire
    [/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    You see, years ago Stinky/Mrs. Peanut discovered that, according to recent scholarship: vampires are the fastest, strongest, most powerful baseball playing creatures on the planet. As my wife reasoned, the Yankees are that fastest, strongest, most powerful baseball playing creatures on the planet. Ergo, the Yankees are vampires. (Or for the sake of our trademark: Yankpires) Over the years we have found a lot of photographic evidence to support this accusation.
    But there's more to vampires than simply dominating baseball games. Since Bram Stoker first reported Count Dracula's ability to exercise total control over the minds of others, innumerable others have suggested that vampires possesses psychic powers. So its reasonable to assume that the Yankpires also have psychic powers...psychic powers which they use to drain unsuspecting Yankee fans of their money, brain cells and human decency. By doing so, they add to their payroll which helps add to their speed, strength and power through free agency, thereby creating more Yankpires who need more Yankee fans to feed upon...it's a vicious circle.
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container, align: center]


    http://cdn0.sbnation.com/imported_assets/1058525/baseballyankeefans.gif


    [TD=class: tr-caption]Yankpire victims...oh the humanity
    [/TD]

    [/TABLE]

    Sure there are decent Yankees fans just as there are jerky Twins fans. I have a former student from New York who politely applauds everyone, a cousin who wears pinstripes to fit in at middle school, and a friend from grad school who disdained the jerk out the window as much as I did. But if we have any hope of ending the Yankpire hex on us--and any interest in making the world a better place, we have to cut off the Yankpire's source of sustenance...Yankee fan stupidity.
    [Cue "Arms of an Angel"]
    Won't you please help us save as many potential Yankpire victims as we can.
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://s7d5.scene7.com/is/image/TheBradfordExchangeOnline/replatformOverlays?layer=comp&wid=460&hei=460&fmt=jpeg,rgb&qlt=76,1&op_sharpen=0&resMode=bilin&op_usm=0.5,2.0,0,0&iccEmbed=0&$product_id=0301682001
    [/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Won't you please help this baby
    avoid a future of jerkiness.
    [/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    It's so simple. Just donate your time and energy to not being a jackass.
    When you encounter a jerk-Yankee fan, don't repay their stupidity in equal measure. Chances are, there are other, embarrassed, Yankee fans near by. By just not being a total tool, you can help diminish the appeal of being a knob-ish Yankee fan instead of just a regular fan.
    Also, if you happen to play for the Twins...beating the vile vampires might also be helpful.
    You can make a difference, both to our present and to your children's future.
    Thank you for being a Twins fan, a Yankees fan, a baseball fan...AND a decent human being.
  18. PeanutsFromHeaven
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    [TD=align: center]http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_74rxwcNBKQ/UUkasIXqzcI/AAAAAAAACIU/egClCMdtGK8/s200/Dedudebro.jpg
    [/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Look out ladies!
    [/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    Game 57
    Twins 3 - Royals 0
    Right after we honored him as Mr. Peanut for the past two weeks, Ryan Doumit kept it going all Magic Mike Style, bringing sexy back as only he can.
     
     
    Or like one other person can...because Samuel De-dude-bro joined in the party, rockin' the Royals like it ain't no thang. Proving that the Doumit/Deduno Combo plate is dangerous to opponents...not to mention, the ladies...
     
     
    Game 58
    Royals 4 - Twins 1
    In an effort to make games faster, the Twins and Royals agreed to decide the outcome of the game in the first inning. Making Daniel Lough's RBI double the difference maker. Unfortunately, they were still forced to play 9. [Cue sad trombone]
    Game 59
    Royals 7 - Twins 3
    I was all set to make another Mike Pelfrey crack since he gave up a one run lead in the sixth (as per the usual), but he ended up not giving up the go ahead run (an honor that went to Jared Burton instead). So it's progress! Let's have some celebratory Nickleback for Mike Pelfrey!!
     
     
    Game 60
    (Rained out)
    There was a real honest-to-goodness hurricane near Washington DC Friday. So not playing was probably a wise choice (though Aaron Hicks did miss a chance to be sucked up and plopped down in the magical land of Oz..instead that happened on Sunday when he got injured)
    Game 61
    Twins 4- Nationals 3
    I recapped this game in my previous post about being a brother. But I'll just add this in a special aside to Nationals' fans. Ryan Doumit does not like being called "donut", your ineffective jeering was justly punished.
     
     

    Ball Park Food Haiku: Nationals Dog
     
    Preparation, Expectation, Joy
     
    Oh, it's still just a hot dog
     
    like laws, don't show me.


    Game 60 (Replay of Friday's Rain-out)
    Nationals 7 - Twins 0
    The Twins were able to update their scouting report on the Nationals' starter after the game. It now reads: "Jordan Zimmerman can pitch baseballs very, very well. "
    Game 62
    Nationals 5 - Twins 4
    http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-IZDx5mZ9Mjc/S-wUncsQdFI/AAAAAAAABmg/MUjq84D4LvE/s200/Ninja+Denard.jpgThis series was the first reunion of the Twins with their favorite centerfield ninja of years gone by: Denard Span! There were plenty of laughs, lots of smiles, a few choice hummings of our "Save Big Money at Denard's jingle" and plenty of great bonding (not unlike the previous road trip's bonding with Carlos Gomez).
     
     
    But sadly, Denard. So perhaps we shouldn't have been surprised when he tripled in the tying run and finished the series with a 6/13 (.465) record against Twins pitching. But really, Denard, did you have to kitana slash Aaron Hicks' hammy? Oh, right you're a ninja, you probably did have to.
     
     
    does play for another team now, and he continues to have this crazy fixation with "playing well"
    Game 63
    Twins 3 - Phillies 2
     
     
     
     
    Speaking of former Centerfielders: Ben Revere returned to town with his new team the Phillies at the start of the week! (Also Delmon Young returned...[crickets chirping])
     
     
    Meanwhile Justin Morneau decided to once again bring the badassery back to the batters box. By encouraging Josh Willingham and Oswaldo Arcia to join him in a Double-Hitting-Conga-Line, then swatting a game winning single in the 8th. Bravo Mr. Hotpants, bravo.
    Game 64
    Twins 4 - Phillies 3
    The first game that both Mrs. Peanut and I were able to attend together this season was a mixed bag. The couple innings of drizzle were less than cool. Mike Pelfrey surprisingly lasting six whole innings was alright. But our easy winner for Thing of the Day: Eduardo Escobar walking to the plate to "You're the One that I Want" from Grease. You have to be a whole lot of something to get pumped up by that song.
     
     
    Additionally, special kudos to game hero, Clete Thomas. Most people assume that Clete is short for Cletus...but in reality it's short for Cletington Aberforth Thomas VI. (I know this because once I called him "Cletington" he started getting hits.
     
     

    BallPark Food Haiku: Cabrito (Goat) Butter Burger w/Roasted Tomatoes, Onions and Pickles
     
    Soft and subtle meat
     
    Fresh veggies singing for you
     
    Wow...that price is right
     
    http://images.publicradio.org/content/2013/03/28/20130328_field-food1_33.jpg

    Game 65
    Phillies 3 - Twins 2
    Once upon a time, in 2010, the Minnesota Twins wanted a starting pitcher and really liked a young man with the Seattle Mariners named Cliff Lee. Cliff Lee was strong. Cliff Lee was tough. Cliff Lee had a record for not caring about big cities or major contracts (having gone from Cleveland to Philadelphia to Seattle with a smile on his face). So the Twins set out to get Cliff Lee offering top prospect Wilson Ramos for him...the Mariners said no. Cliff Lee went to Texas and took them to the World Series. The Twins got Carl Pavano and got bounced in the first round of the playoffs (again).
     
     
    Carl Pavano is out of the majors. The Twins have had two 90 loss seasons in a row. And Cliff Lee is still awesome (as evidenced by his strong performance this night).
     
     
    This has been another random story that some people think indicates the Twins' incompetence, but is actually just a set of facts.
    Game 66
    Tigers 4 - Twins 0
    Despite the many fevered protests of Ron Gardenhire, the umpires refused to count every inning but the sixth and the Twins were thusly shut out. We cannot confirm at this time whether or not the umpires commented on how adorable Gardy gets when he's angry. "Like an apopleptic garden gnome! Just SO CUTE!!" Crew Chief John Hirshbeck is reported to maybe have said.
     
     
    Game 67
    Twins 6 - Tigers 3
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Se6xeVdQFX0/Ub5Xm1HQsCI/AAAAAAAACKU/psvTyWaEZ4U/s200/AnnabelleSanchez.jpg
    [/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Annabelle Sanchez
    [/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    The Twins roughed up Anibal Sanchez and Darrin Downs en route to win against the division leaders. Meanwhile, in Bert Blyleven's mind "Annabelle" Sanchez was on the mound for the Tigers, because apparently "Ann-i-ball" is too phonetically difficult. Once Sanchez left the game early, this may have been what Annabelle wrote in his diary.
     
     
    Dear Diary,
    Oh my stars, how utterly horrid I feel today. I fear I have caught the shoulder vapors from that flying contraption Colonel Leyland insisted we use to come to Minnesota. But I musn't let the Colonel know, he frets so! I long for a return to my beloved Comerica Park, with its bushes and fountains and parasoles gaily dotting the seats. These Minnesotans are so unsporting! Rather than offering me a sun hat, or a glass of lemonade they made me throw a ball around like an animal! I simply had to leave the mound, even though it was a fine day, I couldn't stand the cruel barbs that Canadian Savage, "Morneau" I think it was?, hurled at me on the field. I shall try to regain my composure, but I'm simply too frail to endure these epithets. Heavens me, diary!
    Annabelle
    This has been another Bert Blyleven mispronunciation induced goof-off session.
    Game 68
    Tigers 5 - Twins 2
    The Twins clearly felt the pressure of impressing their dad's on Father's day, though it couldn't possibly have been as intimidating as trying to please the most withholding father of all time: Tywin Lannister.
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container, align: center]

    [TD=align: center]http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-rt6FkCs3GxM/Ub5Xpk2ghoI/AAAAAAAACKc/QWEH0aK0wjc/s320/TywinBBQ.jpg
    [/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Unimpressed.
    [/TD]

    [/TABLE]
     
     
    A sampling of Tywin-esque dad responses to Twins players
    "Of course I thought you pitched well, Samuel...it's just that Doug Fister was better than you in every conceivable way...also you probably killed your mother and ruined my life."
    "Yes, that was a nice home run Brian. But it wasn't a game winning home run now was it. So it might as well have been a strike out. Also, you probably killed your mother and ruined my life."
    "No, Cletington I don't care about your RBI. I'm a little busy winning a war, running a nation and gutting this elk for our barbecue. Run along and play your little games with your prostitutes....oh by the way, you probably killed your mother and ruined my life."
    etc.
     
     
    P.s. Congratulations to former Twin and long time Peanut favorite Torii Hunter on his 300th homerun!
     
     
    Mr. Peanut: Glen Perkins (It's partly a function of his job, but he's not giving up leads...so that's a plus!)
    Nutty-Buddy: Scott Diamond (Hey, Scott, Remember when you were the only good thing last year...we have more good things this year...be one of them)
  19. PeanutsFromHeaven
    It's time for Lesson Number 3 in our off-brand self-help seminar: Derestraining a Force Inside You. (If you want to read lessons 1 & 2 follow the links back to our original blogs...we'll even waive the $79.99 charge plus parking fees!) A series of motivational messages directed specifically at Twins AAA reliever Luis Perdomo.
    Remember this word Luis!

    危机


    What's that? You don't speak Mandarin? Oh...well if you did you'd be really impressed. You see, that's the traditional symbol for "crisis" in Mandarin pronounced "Weiji". It combines two other words "danger" and "opportunity" and that's what we want you to think about now Luis: Danger/Opportunity
     
    You see...you're at a dangerous point in your career. You're 29 years old on a minor league pitching staff where the average age is 27. You've been having the kind of season that got you released from your last organization. The franchise you play for just drafted 17 guys (including some 10 years your junior) all intent on taking your job. It may well be a crisis, but it can also be an opportunity.
     
    It's an opportunity to show that you can respond to the pressure. It's an opportunity to show that you are still the man who was impressive enough to move up from AA to the majors last season. It's an opportunity to rebound from adversity and put together your greatest performance yet. But it's unlikely to happen, so it's also a crisis.
     
    That's the lesson today Luis. Treat every dangerous situation as an opportunity and every opportunity as dangerous. It's the only way to respond to pressure and assert your dominance.
  20. PeanutsFromHeaven
    It's that time once again, every year we "analyze" the Twins drafting decisions by summarizing the strengths and weaknesses of players. Rather than do that with any depth, direction or purpose (which is soooooo not our style), we rapidly blurt out 5 words and pass them off as "analysis" or "humorous"..hopefully you agree (and appreciate my endless attempts to reinvigorate the cliched "never give up on lefties)
     
    Thanks to the many fine folks at Twins Daily who compiled this list Apologies for the overuse of bold type...I can't figure out how to fix the formatting
     

    Right Handed Pitchers


    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://www.examiner.com/images/blog/EXID4130/images/pirate.jpg[/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Last year we drafted two
    Jacksonville U Dolphins
    This year, two Seton Hall Pirates
    Keep the Dolphins in Line![/TD]


    [/TABLE]1-4 Kohl Stewart--Please bubble-wrap your arm
    2-43 Ryan Eades--#2 Starter our #2 option
    5-140 Aaron Slegers--Hoosier's already won @ Target Field!
    7-200 Brian Gilbert--1 of 2 Seton Hall-ers WHEE PIRATES!!!
    10-290 Charles Irby--Former DH versatile in bullpen
    12-350 Ethan Mildren--Part of righty stockpile
    13-380 Brandon Peterson--Big strong closer > puny starters
    17-500 Tanner Mandonca--@TanTheMan13...12 other guys had that?
    19-560 Jared Wilson--another part of righty stockpile
    21-620 Tyler Stirewalt--Also the Fresno State QB...?
    23-680 Zack Hayden--Terry Ryan: Stockpiler or Hoarder?
    26-770 Ryan Halstead--Draft 2 Hoosiers, Get 1 FREE!!
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://www.kropserkel.com/Images/horsehead%20(9).jpg[/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]The offer to Logan Shore...
    one he can't refuse[/TD]


    [/TABLE]27-800 Taylor Blatch--Wiry...lean...MY NEW BUDDY!
    29-860 Logan Shore--Signability questions...still gets offer
    31-920 AJ Bogucki--Easily Best Name of Draftees
    36-1070 Joseph Greenfield--Dropped 14 rounds from 2012
    38-1130 Javier Salas--17 Righties? That's a hoard


    Left Handed Pitchers


    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://mountiewire.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/AthleticFair1-199x300.jpg[/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Sorry Li'l Joe...
    Derrick's with us now.[/TD]


    [/TABLE]4-110 Stephen Gonsalves--Slipped rounds...$ makes it better
    15-440 Derrick Penilla--TC Bear > Li'l Joe Mountie!
    16-470 Brandon Bixler--Becomes Alliterative Roomies w/Byron Buxton
    24-710 Brandon Easton--Lakeland Laker...leaves for LA
    28-830 Chris Erwin--Hey, Leftie Give-uppers! YOU LOSE!
    35-1040 Nick Lemoncelli--My Grandma Loves Lemoncelli's Limoncello
    39-1160 Seth Wagner--Attended Dunder Mifflin HS (PA)

     
    Infielders


    3-78 Stuart Turner, C--Someone's gotta catch those pitchers
    6-170 Brian Navarreto, C--A couple someones actually...
    8-230 Dustin DeMuth, 3B--Umpire Dana DeMuth's gotta favorite!
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://www.movievillains.com/images/octavius.jpg[/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Now he could do some fielding![/TD]


    [/TABLE]9-260 Mitchel Garver, C--ALREADY SIGNED, Get him sideburns!
    11-320 Nelson Molina, MI--No relation to Alfred...sadly...
    18-530 Ryan Walker, SS--Big Texan...where's the scrappy infielder?
    22-650 Alex Swim, C--Might prefer pool to diamond
    30-890 Tanner Vavra, 2B--Hoping he can hit*
     
    *(Note--this is based on my genuine hope that his dad taught him some things...Tanner is legally blind in one eye [as Brad Swanson] noted in his draft recap] so if he makes it, it would be pretty flippin' awesome.)
     
    32-950 Carlos Avila, SS--5'11"...close enough..."HE'S SCRAPPY!"
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-uB139YM9H_g/Tokim4AiwKI/AAAAAAAAFnw/WOohIvv7mj8/s1600/MrSlate.gif[/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Granite's last manager...
    Looks like Terry Ryan...[/TD]


    [/TABLE]
    Outfielders


     
    14-410 Zack Granite--Played Outfield for Slate Quarry
    20-590 Jason Kanzler--@JasonKanzler likes "moderate amounts-of-fun"
    25-740 Chad Christianson--Congrats! You can leave Nebraska!
    33-980 Steven Sensley--"OMG! OUTFIELDERS!!"--Twins Draft room
    34-1010 Ivory Thomas--My wigs are purest outfielder...
    37-1100 Julien Service--A Quebec Finance Service?
    40-1190 Kelly Starness--Check-out line impulse buy
  21. PeanutsFromHeaven

    Brothers

    By PeanutsFromHeaven,

    I made plans for this weekend. I bought tickets to the Twins and the Nationals on Saturday, three of them. One for me, one for my older brother, and one for my eldest niece (2 years and 8 months as of Monday). I flew out right after giving students their last exam, and--with essays to grade on my tray table--got quietly more and more excited about the prospect of baseball with my family.
     
     
    This morning I went with said niece and my brother to the Air and Space Museum, enjoying my time as Uncle Silly Face (apparently my goatee has earned derision both in my classroom and in my family). We saw the LEM, the plane that broke the sound barrier, touched some moon rock and wen through Skylab three times (astronaut food--very exciting stuff to a two-year-old). Returning home I started to get supremely giddy, we would all get a nap, and then, we'd go to the ball game.
     
     
    Sadly one of us needed a little more nap time than the others (hint: it wasn't one of the boys). So, slightly disappointed not to share the moment with the "big girl" of the house, my brother and I headed off for Nationals Park, shortly after first pitch. We were both a little quiet, and I was awkwardly aware that it had been 18 months since we last saw each other. Lots of fatherhood (including the birth of a second child) had occurred in the interval. Suddenly, Iwas not sure how to act around this grown man I knew as a boy.
     
     
     
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-DO8HpGlSfZM/SghDYvlo5fI/AAAAAAAABHY/8I4B5hR_wnQ/s200/Mommas+day.jpg[/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]The Brother in question is in the middle
    [/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    My brother made me the man I am today. He came home from kindergarten with a piece of chalk and taught me to write my first words on a bit of plywood in our garage; ever since then, I've been fascinated with words and how to use them. He worked endlessly to be better in basketball and soccer and in doing so taught me to play hard, even if you don't have the talent to be the best; since then, I've always tried my hardest in sports and in life (despite having barely more strength than my aforementioned niece). He always seemed effervescently cool first in high school and then in college, but taught me that whatever that may look like it is nothing, nothing, compared to the happiness and elation that comes with falling in love first with your spouse/significant other and then with your children; now, I have found the same thing with my wife and look forward to having it with children (eventually).
     
    So we were both a little bummed, not to have his daughter, my niece along with us. And though we agreed the crowded, bumpy, queasifying metro rails of Washington DC were not ideal for a toddler, we were still a little tired, and I was a little distant as we entered the park in the bottom of the fifth.
     
     
     
    Two hot dogs, a couple sodas, a bag of peanuts, a dancing usher and one bizarre comment from drunken Nats fans nearby (apparently--in their minds--Kevin Correia is my friend, and his 6th inning strike reflects poorly on my worth as a human being) and we were back to what we always have been: brothers.
     
     
    We laughingly imagined what outfielders were saying to each other (and pictured Jayson Werth having a John Popper tattoo, secretly wishing the post-game-Blues-Traveller concert would start already). We caught each other up on our favorite teams--distinguishing Eduardo Escobar from Pedro Florimon took a little work, as did mastering the Roger Bernadina shark chomp. He stood and cheered a slick double play in the eighth, while I politely nodded my approval. I anxiously chewed my fingernails as Perkins closed the game, and he had the decency not to jeer the action.
     
     
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container, align: center]

    [TD=align: center]http://mlblogscookandsonbats.files.wordpress.com/2011/04/4-nationals-park-section-141-panorama-bp-thumb-550x217-2824681.jpg?w=550&h=217[/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]View from our seats (taken by a much better photographer than me)
    [/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    The outcome of the game was really insignificant though. After 18 months we were together again and doing something we both loved. Watching a great game, laughing our butts off, and being brothers. There was sun in our faces, and there were hot dogs in our bellies. It would have been wonderful to share it all with a little one, but that time will come.
     
     
    You don't need a plan to have a good time.
  22. PeanutsFromHeaven
    There was agony during the last two weeks of Twins baseball (including 7 straight losses to run a losing streak to 10) and ecstasy (including winning 6 of their last 7). The season continues tonight in Kansas City, but before you see that game, let's review what happened in the last few weeks.
    Game 40
    Red Sox 3 - Twins 2
    Remember about a month ago, when we went into Boston and dominated the Red Sox to win 3 of 4? Turns out they didn't like that very much. And brought a rather curt "Don't Mess With Boston" attitude back to the Twin Cities.
    Game 41
    Red Sox 15 - Twins 2
    Make that very curt.
    Game 42
    Red Sox 5 - Twins 1
    Yup...Boston...don't mess with it...we get the message.
    Game 43
    Braves 5 - Twins 1
    Hitting the road again, the Twins returned to Atlanta for the first time since the 1991 World Series. In a sign of true southern hospitality Braves fans' loudly and persistently whined about how Kent Hrbek's "T-Rex Tag" play in Game 2 stole the World Series from them (leaving aside the missed opportunities in the rest of that game and when they failed to clinch in Games 6 or 7).
    So dumbfounded were the Twins and Kevin Correia (who only remembers loving Zubas in 1991) that they promptly lost the game.
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://platoonadvantage.files.wordpress.com/2010/02/turner2.gif?w=236
    [/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]You stay classy Braves...
    [/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    Game 44
    Braves 5 - Twins 4
    Did you realize the Braves' still do the "Tomahawk Chop"...I mean...really...really? Really...Just yikes. I can only assume the Twins team was all so mad about that, that they couldn't focus on the game...and lost again.
    Game 45
    Braves 8 - Twins 3
    Interesting factoid! Several of the Twins are avid students of history including Vance Worley. When he realized he would get to pitch in Atlanta, the final destination for General Sherman's march to the sea during the Civil War, Worley practically exploded with joy: "It's awesome! All that history! the end of the campaign that crippled the rebel forces! We should celebrate guys! We should...We should....WE SHOULD BURN THIS MOTHER DOWN!!"
    Hearing this, Aaron Hicks made a simple suggestion: "You mean, play well, hit a couple homers and break our losing streak?"
    Worley replied: "No! Let's keep this losing streak burning! Let's go down in a fiery blaze of glorious death! 8 RUNS IN THE FOUR INNINGS! HERE WE GO!!!"
    Burn it down they did...and nowVance Worley will be able to continue his study of history in Rochester...hopefully he doesn't try to get to the ballpark by building an underground railroad...
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-whM28hnN9Hw/Sk0q9MCm6GI/AAAAAAAABL8/iTw-aUSUKNg/s200/Souls+aren%2527t+Meat.jpg
    [/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Prince Fielder
    Eater of Souls
    [/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    Game 46
    Tigers 6 - Twins 5
    Trying to end their week plus schnide, Josh Willingham entered Comerica Park and proclaimed: "BY THE POWER OF ASGAARD, WE SHALL NOT LOSE AGAIN**" [Note that he punctuated his claim not with exclamation points but with a pair of home runs.]
    However, Jared Burton does not believe in the Willinghammer or Norse Mythology (he prefers Celtic Lore, after all). And after ceding a double to tie the game, he was doomed when Prince Fielder announced: "BY THE POWER OF TOFURKEY, WE SHALL NOT LOSE!"
    For those keeping score at home, it appears Tofurkey > Asgaard.
    Game 47
    Tigers 6 - Twins 0
    At last! We were all able to witness the return of Samuel De-Dude-Bro. Who seemed so cool in the World Baseabll Classic, like he'd never ever hurt us...then came the second inning...and the third inning...and then the Twins were helpless against Anibal Sanchez and we lost our 10th game in a row.
    Meanwhile, in the mind of Bert Blyleven, who insists on calling Sanchez "Anna-belle" the Tigers pitcher followed each strike out and inning-ending escape by fluttering her glove in front of her face and saying "I do declare!! These Minnesotans are terribly droll aren't they Colonel?" Presumably at some point Jim Leyland spat tobacco in front of Annabelle and she proclaimed "dear me! how terribly uncouth, Colonel! Behavior like that is simply intolerable!" Then Anna-belle huffily sat in a corner plotting our downfall and the resurrection of her Peach plantation. This concludes another installment of "The Anna-belle Sanchez Diaries" by Bert Aalbert Blyleven.
    Game 48
    Twins 3 - Tigers 2
    True story, I didn't realize the Twins were playing the afternoon until the 7th when I told my wife Stinky aka Mrs. Peanut that we had a lead. Her response: "yeah...I'm not holding my breath". A good choice because we needed another hour to win the game. Sure we were happy to win a game for the first time in over a week, but I was happier still that my wife didn't pass out trying to prove a point.
    Game 49
    Tigers 6 - Twins 1
    http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-v7mWPbCBZC4/SjkiYVJlpcI/AAAAAAAABJw/5lMZTiZqfZ4/s200/Statue.jpgBen Franklin once said: "guests and fish start to stink after three days", were he alive today he would likely say: "guests and fish start to stink after three days; Mike Pelfrey starts to stink three pitches after people think he might get through the sixth inning".
    Game 50
    Twins 6 - Brewers 3
    On Memorial Day, our great and noble leader Chairman Joseph Mauer paid homage to the fallen by providing his own epic parade of run scoring. For as long as Minnesotans have toiled in the fields and the factories, the Chairman has watched and sought to repay that greatness with greatness of his own. So it was that each time the Chairman reached base he proceeded to circle all the bases with his customary precision and clarity of purpose to bring honor to Twins Territory.
    Game 51
    Twins 6 - Brewers 5
    http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-4i_rEFrWopY/SNzvO8bHR5I/AAAAAAAAAsE/of_CNfbyB1E/s200/Go-Gogo.jpgThe annual Twins/Brewers sleep over at Miller Park was just so much durned fun that the Brewers did not want it to end, least of all, Carlos Gomez who recently discovered that it is just as much fun to hit the ball as it is to catch the ball. As he said to his old pal Justin Morneau: "I DON'T EVER WANT TO GO TO BED! LETS PLAY BASEBALL ALL THE TIME!! WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
    Luckily, Gardy heard the ruckus Carlos was causing and said that he would allow the Brewers to sleep over in Minnesota the next two nights. Gogo celebrated by jumping up and down cheering as his new BFF Aaron Hicks stole a home run, hit a home run and a ground rule double that lead to the game winning run in the fourteenth. Quoth the Gogo: "WHEEEEEEEE BASEBALL!!!!!!!"
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_74rxwcNBKQ/UUkasIXqzcI/AAAAAAAACIU/egClCMdtGK8/s200/Dedudebro.jpg
    [/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Samuel DeDudeBro totally
    has some wine coolers...
    [/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    Game 52
    Twins 4 - Brewers 1
    In preparation for Grand Ol' Day that weekend, Samuel De-dude-bro prepared his best stuff to drop on the drunken honies, including classics like "did it hurt...when my curveball dropped right underneath your swing?" and "Hey baby, if you like my pitching you should see the way we hit it off" and finally: "'Sup?"
    Deduno dominated the Brewers...no word yet on how he did with inebriates in St. Paul.
    Game 53
    Twins 8 - Brewers 6
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-qYPXveu6k28/SlYRee2H53I/AAAAAAAABM8/K5sBzYGwQDg/s200/Loshe.jpg
    [/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Kyle Loshe (but not quite)
    [/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    The Twins/Brewers sleepover came to an end with the return of Kyle Loshe to a Minnesota mound. Then everyone remembered what a tool Kyle Loshe was, and promptly extracted revenge, launching 3 home runs in 5 batters.
    Additionally, Chris Parmelee continued his one man campaign to overwhelm the appeal of Wisconsin Cheddar by using his power hitting to emphasize the importance of Parmesan. Because what is better: oily greasy deep fried cheese curds, or a glorious eggplant parmesean? (...hmm...on second thought...)
    Game 54
    Mariners 3 - Twins 0
    Once again the bionic pitching machine known as Mike Pelfrey broke down just after multiple Twins fans thought to themselves: "Hey Pelfrey might just make it!"
    WRONG!
    Game 55
    Twins 5 - Mariners 4
    Once upon a time there was a Twins catcher...no not the sideburn-ed one, the other one.
    No not the feeble hitting back up, the other other one!
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-xOkp66w5UoA/UUZ-vXeBzVI/AAAAAAAACHQ/SbLGzd-m4GQ/s200/Ryan+Suave.jpg
    [/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Pretty good weeks for Ryan Suave
    [/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    Yes, that's the one: Ryan Doumit. Mr. Unbuttoned-Jersey. Mr. Sexy-And-I-Know-It. Mr. Sure-I'll-Ride-The-Bench-Catch-a-Couple-Days-Play-Right-Field-And-Keep-On-Hitting-Like-It-Ain't-No-Thang. (He'd make a terrible substitute teacher). And what did this man do of note you ask? Not much, just clear the bases with a triple and institute the first "Oh-my-god-the-Twins-won!" shared between random strangers since 2010.
    Bravo Ryan Suave, Bravo!
    Game 56
    Twins 10 - Mariners 0
    Dear Jeremy Bonderman,
    We missed you. Come back soon!
    Love,
    The Twins
    Mr. Peanut--Ryan Doumit (since going to Detroit, Doumit has had a Win Probability Added over 1.1--so he has given the Twins one more win than an average hitter in his same spot)
    Nutty-Buddy--Mike Pelfrey (Please send all spare nuts and bolts to Scott Boras Labs to repair Mike Pelfrey)
    Side Note: The school year ends on Friday, so hopefully I'll be able to post more regularly as of next week, but I'll also be travelling to Washington DC on Friday to take my 2 year old niece to her first baseball game when the Twins visit the Nationals. And to answer your question, yes, I will teach her to sing "Save Big Money" when Denard Span runs near by.
  23. PeanutsFromHeaven
    It's a frickin' monsoon out there little rainy today, and rather than stare hopefully at the FSN rain delay, hoping that the game restarts and the Twins suddenly remember the good ol' days of two weeks ago when they could crush the Red Sox as easily as a twig under a space ship, we decided to revisit our old pal Luis Perdomo!
    Then we saw the statistics and remembered that Luis needs a motivation coach. So it's high time for lesson number two:
    (This instruction was intended for Luis Perdomo only...following the Peanuts from Heaven De-Restraining a Force Inside You [DRAFIY] without specifically tailored guidance from a Peanuts From Heaven approved Force De-Restrainer may result in serious injury. Peanuts from Heaven is not liable for misinterpretations of their lessons...but please don't think this lesson is encouraging to remove your own appendix...that's crazy talk)
    Lesson 2: When Life Hands You Lemons, See if You can't get Some Limes, Carbonated Water and High Fructose Corn Syrup to Make a Sugary Soft Drink!
    Let's not lie, let's not sugar coat it, let's not pretend that your dog is one new coat of nail polish away from winning the Miss America Project. There will be some hard times in your life and career Luis, hard times like the last two weeks where you gave up a run in all but one of your six appearances. But what matters is not which problems you face, but what you do in response.
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://shop.charactercompany.com/ekmps/shops/karinb/images/lemon-lime-soda-205-p.jpg
    [/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]The Ultimate Goal
    [/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    Other motivation coaches might tell you to turn those lemons into Lemonade, but those of us behind the De-Restraining a Force Inside You program, firmly believe that a new age calls for a new mindset. Why settle for Lemonade when you can have a Sugary Lemon-Lime flavored soft drink? After all, the lemonade might be refreshing, but only the soft-drink can be resold for tremendous profit and potential long term health consequences for your enemies!
    So yeah, it's not great that you've given up more walks than strikeouts (7 to 6), or that you've given up about as many hits as runs (13 and 12). But what do we do, Luis? We take all those problems and we turn them into a strength for you! Now your opponents have come to mistakenly believe that they can hit whatever you throw up there, but when you unleash your flaming fireballs of doom then there will be no recourse left to them...and if you have no flaming fireballs of doom, you can always use a slider or change-up, then BOOM now the opposition is crippled by your diabetes inducing awesomeness!
  24. PeanutsFromHeaven
    Rumors of our demise our greatly exaggerated. Rumors of the school year ending, our student teacher leaving and our work load increasing dramatically are absolutely accurate. Here now, a pseudo-recap of the weeks since the Twins last got a day off.


    Game 27
    Indians 7 - Twins 6

    Long ago I first wrote about the magical Land of Cleve, a blighted kingdom where no team can win for long and where all the knights in the land eventually flee for other kingdom's with better salaries and dental packages.
    But a strange thing happened in the last year. The Land of Cleve, they have rebounded, regained themselves and found a new King! King Terry the Lost who shockingly has found powerful knights throughout his kingdom like Sir Michael the Speedy and Sir Swisher the Toolish (to complement the slightly quirky:
    .)So it was with much confusion that the Territory of Twinnesota entered the land of Cleve for the first battle of the year, only to find that, rather than rolling over and begging for mercy (as they normally do) the resilient knights of King Terry the Lost, rebounded until Sir Drew of the Swollen Toes delivered the fatal blow to our hopes
    [Wasn't that a lot more fun to read than just: "Drew Stubbs hit a walk-off..."]

    Game 28
    Indians 7 - Twins 3


    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-iozSigXzsU4/UUkPnjPXzmI/AAAAAAAACH4/Png-BLVkQKQ/s200/Scapegoat%252713.jpg[/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Bad Correia!![/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    Kevin Correia pitched poorly! Let the indiscriminate blame and pointless recriminations BEGIN!!
    Kevin Correia is directly responsible for the Twins loss in Cleveland, Joe Mauer's distraction from hitting, the repeated threat of snow in late April and May and the mailing of toxic ricin to political leaders.

    Game 29
    Twins 4 - Indians 2


    Let us take a moment to acknowledge the contributions of someone oft forgotten in my offense-centric recaps Glen Perkins aka The Dread Pirate Joe Nathan. (Remember, Perk adopted the intimidating name to foil hitters. The real Dread Pirate Joe Nathan has been living like a King in Patagonia...or at least a Patagonia outlet store near Dallas)
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-RO57DEbskwI/UUZ5KHyLsUI/AAAAAAAACG8/bWyGIhrZcko/s200/DreadPiratePerkins.jpg[/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Dread Pirate Joe Nathan v. 2.0[/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    Sunday, with the Twins staked to a solid three run lead, The NEW Dread Pirate Joe Nathan entered the game determined to triumph in the most Dread Pirate-y way possible to wit: increasing the level of difficulty until his crew mates were convinced he was going to destroy them all...only to triumph at the last second. Following the lead off homer to left he bellowed "FAAARRRRGHARRAGH" [That's pirate for "good, now they have false hope"], then the hard stung single to right elicited an "AVARGH!!" ["Now I must defend my bounty of saves against the agents of the crown"], and when he settled down to end it all his triumphant "BLARGHERAGHERAGH!!!" [suck it Indians!] could be heard up and down the Cuyahoga.


    Game 30
    Red Sox 7 - Twins 6


    Under careful scrutiny since St. Paul native/Twins Legend/Blue Jays Announcer/Walking Mustache Jack Morris accused him of using a substance on his shirt sleeve to throw a spitball, Boston starter Clay Buchholz attempted to throw suspicious parties off the scent of his duplicity by coating his sleeve in a different substance during the first inning.
    That substance: suckitude!
    And in an even greater sign of his criminal genius, Buchholz, swapped jerseys in between innings, so that one inning of giving up hits to the heart of the order [1st] and the bottom of the order [4th] (after applying copious amounts of suck to the ball) were balanced out by innings of dominance against the bottom [2nd] and heart [3rd] of the order.
    Well played Buchholz, Well played.
    (On a similar well played note, we were all so amazed at Joe Mauer's leaping catch of a relay throw home that we were brainwashed into assuming that he also applied the tag. Proving that no one plays it as well as Mauer does.)
    I'd write more about the end of the game, but sometime around the 9th Red Sock wandering out of the batter's box and fouling off pitch after pitch to prolong the game, I decided that I should sleep...okay, I was put to sleep...which come to think of it is another genius strategem. CURSE YOU RED SOX!!

    Game 31
    Twins 6 - Red Sox 1


    Full confession, I did not hear or watch one minute or second of this game. Instead I was with student-athletes at a track meet in Watertown which does not yet have a huge out-of-town-scoreboard (hint, hint local taxpayers!). But with 7 innings of shut-out ball, Scott Diamond is more than welcome to join the team I coach as an endurance instructor. (Back up Red Sox Third Baseman Pedro Ciracio is not allowed anywhere near the shot put, javelin or discus)

    Game 32
    Twins 15 - Red Sox 8


    It was a thrilling trip to Boston, particularly for Aaron Hicks who made his Fenway Park debut. But just as Aaron was scared of "The Grimm" during the previous home stand, there was the awfully intimidating Green Monster out there in Left field. (I blame Hitting Coach Tom Brunansky's scary bedtime stories)
    http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wnP_shfgWQM/TgYgI3wh92I/AAAAAAAAB5A/C12Qq8t3zyA/s320/Mauer+Poster.jpg

    Fortunately there is one man who will always rescue our nation's children and worried rookies. He who personifies goodness and light, he who banishes fear and despair to the unfathomable void of the abyss beyond the stars. Yes our great and powerful chairman looked into the depths of the monster's eyes and slated the beast with his mighty bat of justice and truth (and also with the help of our mighty line-up which draws strength from the mere presence of his sideburns).
     
    Rest easy young Hicks-y, for wherever our mighty Chairman resides no monster dares to tread.
     
    Twins 33
    Twins 5 - Red Sox 3
    http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-GhL_Svc50xc/UXcqEooYa7I/AAAAAAAACJQ/YO39m9ZMJZA/s200/Blizard+of+Oz.jpgIt's easy to make fun of rookies, they're young, they don't have a clearly defined personality. But one guy seems determined to stop me from making fun of him. That man? Oswaldo Arcia: the Blizzard of Oz!
     
    How did our Blizzard Wizard triumph during his debut series at Fenway? By clobbering balls all over the yard. There are also unconfirmed reports of him shouting "Depulso!" to use a banishing charm on the two run shot that gave us a series victory over the "mighty" bean-towners. We here at Peanuts From Heaven will always encourage magic as a solution to life's problems...keep it up Oswaldo, keep it up.


    Game 34
    Orioles 9 - Twins 6
    After all the triumphs in Boston, the Twins returned home to face another AL East team, and picked up right where they left off, battering an opposing pitcher just because they could.
     
    But with all this natural awesomeness we neglected to discuss one important facet of the team: relief pitching. After-all, hitting is half the game, and really easy to romanticize; starting pitching talent is new and relatively amazing to Twins fans used to mind-numbingly bad starts; relief pitching...well...it's just part of the game, like the designated hitter and drunk guys.
     
    Too much time feeling ignored and unloved can wear on you, and so [i imagine with absolutely zero proof] there was a discussion in the Twins pen between Josh Roenicke and Anthony Swarzak.
     
    Roenicke: "Can you believe the blogosphere's ignoring use Anthony?"
     
    Swarzak: "Swarzak!"
     
    Roenicke: "I've gone more than an inning every game since April 4th! And you've only given up 3 walks all year!!"
     
    http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-DlPKd1Oc49I/Sm53J3PvNPI/AAAAAAAABOU/eTF7BVCL7js/s1600/Swarzak.jpg
     
     
    Swarzak: "Swarzak!"
     
    Roenicke: "Exactly! What's a guy got to do to earn a little gentle ribbing, a little joke that I sound like I should be a hockey player, or that I grew a soul patch because I was worried about whether or not I'd go to heaven"
     
    Swarzak: "Swarzak!"
     
    Roenicke: "Don't rub it in man...I know...I'll blow up randomly and then people will have to write about me...you in?"
     
    Swarzak: [Cough...cough] "Sorry, I've had that cough of years now...yeah, sure let's do this.
     
    So that happened, and we gave up the lead.


    Game 35
    Twins 8 - Orioles 5
    It's funny but true...Vance Worley, arguably the most promising pitching acquisition the Twins made in the offseason, had gone winless since August of the previous year. Hmm, actually that's not so much funny as sad.
     
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-nuTC_itwa5M/UUkCowhEIhI/AAAAAAAACHo/3fdRPpvIwbc/s200/Vanimal.jpg[/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]We got you Vanimal, we got you[/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    This was most troubling for the heart of the Twins order, Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau. After all this was their very own Vanimal, and both were big fans. After all Doctor Teeth and the Electric Mayhem was a genuinely popular band in Canada, and Baby Vanimal (from the Muppet Babies) was a favorite of Baby Jesus)
     
    Thus it was that the Twins' biggest boppers came to the rescue of another poor performance by the vanimal, cranking out six hits, and quite a bit of head banging in response to the Vanimal's demand that he needed more runs.


    Game 36
    Orioles 6 - Twins 0

    For Mother's Day, Scott Diamond's mom asked for just one thing: "play nice with the other boys Scotty!"*
    We applaud Mama Diamond for raising a fine upstanding athletic boy, and we're all for sportsmanship, but clearly this instruction ran contrary to pitching coach Rick Anderson's "NO MISSING THE PLATE! NO MERCY!!" instruction. In the end, the Orioles kind of owned Scott Diamond and the Twins lost the game, but it's kind of nice that Scott Diamond listened to his mom (but lets just save that for mother's day)
     
    *Note, I can't decide if this excuse is any less absurd than the "Mother's day game ball is slightly different" Twins writers actually used
     

    Game 37
    Twins 10 - White Sox 3

    A little more than a week ago, ESPN noted that Adam Dunn (the White Sox Designated Hitter) had the 2nd lowest batting average in the American League (thereby questioning the whole "hitter" part of the title "Designated Hitter"). The lowest? Twins Centerfielder Aaron Hicks.


     
    As a result this series with the White Sox felt seriously like a good ol' fashioned show down between Hicks and Dunn to prove who was marginally less bad than the other. Sure we could crunch the stats of who really won, but why not review it like the three rounds of your typical old school brawler video games.

    http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zGX3uGdXRqk/UZTbwaP8tfI/AAAAAAAACKA/TEM1Qz82NNM/s320/HicksVDunn.jpg


     
    The first round went decidedly to Aaron Hicks who seemingly owned every aspect of Adam Dunn's game. Delivering a punishing Centerfield Bomb attack on his face, pulling an amazing reversal on Dunn's own Dinger Assault, and then delivering his signature finishing move the "oh-my-god-you-can-get-more-than-one-hit-in-a-game-it-might-as-well-be another-home-run".

    Game 38
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://assets.sbnation.com/assets/2622013/Hicks-HR-catch.gif[/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Lets watch it again...and again...
    [/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    White Sox 4 - Twins 2
     

    In order to get back at Aaron Hicks decisive first round KO Adam Dunn resorted to the defense of all desperate video gamers: Mashing buttons on the controller indiscriminately hoping that things turn out okay.
     
    Sadly it worked, geting a cheesy, bottom-of-the-health-bar, lucky shot victory (what with the home run to Hicks' o-fer.)


    Game 39
    White Sox 9 - Twins 5

    Before the last round of the fight [or game of the series if you prefer], Aaron Hicks pressed pause to go to the bathroom and get a Dr. Pepper.
     
    Then Adam Dunn unpaused it, demolishing a blithely bopping on his heels Aaron Hicks with a pair of Dinger Assaults, as if that somehow proved that he was a better gamer than Hicks. When Hicks came back, Dunn stood up muttered something about "really gotta get home, my parents and lawn mowing and indiscriminate mumbling" grabbed a full bag of Doritos and a Dr. Pepper and took off.
     
    So congrats Adam Dunn, you won this round...but Aaron Hicks will be back. Oh yes, he will be back.
    Mr. Peanut for the last two weeks: Oswaldo Arcia (if only to stop festooning Joe Mauer with these trophies)
    Nutty Buddy for the last two weeks: Pedro Hernandez/Casey Fien (they haven't been bad, but they sure haven't helped much)



  25. PeanutsFromHeaven
    Here's your quick, easy, inaccurate guide to the last week in Twins Baseball

    Game 15
     
    Cold Weathered Out


    After going all the way to Chicago just to find out that another game would be postponed due to inclement weather, the Twins groaned loudly in protest. Manager Ron Gardenhire's offer to take everyone out for ice cream was a nice thought but...seriously...whose thinking about ice cream on the 79th day of February?
     
     
     



    Game 16
     
    Twins 2 - White Sox 1



    In the afternoon, we peanuts thrilled to see the Twins squeak out a win in the Windy City, behind a strong 7 innings from Vance "Vanimal" Worley, and the night only got better as Mrs. Peanut and I went to see Minnesota Opera's version of Turandot...which would look something like this to the Vanimal.



    Game 17


    Twins 5 - White Sox 3
    http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-5zM-RkV0HsA/TZU4yjXbK1I/AAAAAAAAB04/NvzyiPjSWMU/s200/Ubermensch.jpgYears ago, we Peanuts met Jesse Crain. In addition to being polite with your run of the mill fans, he also seemed vaguely entertained by our comical shenanigans and goofy photoshops. For this reason we said that he was not just a "mensch" he was in fact "the Ubermensch". This allowed us to make all kinds of goofy allusions to philosophy while writing Twins recaps and caused much amusement...at least for us.
     
     
    And while we Peanuts still want to take every opportunity to destroy the White Sox, we're a little less keen on crushing our pal "Ze Ubermensch". So when Ze Ubermensch came into pitch with the bases loaded we had to pause before remembering what we really wanted to see.
     
     
    http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-YlUCvjyrGtc/UUZ5KDMR4CI/AAAAAAAACHA/bDOgpdojcdk/s200/Willinghammer.jpgFacing Josh Willingham, Ze Ubermensch chose to open with one of his favorite argument/pitches, guaranteed to throw hitters off balance: "We speak of 'stranding runners' in baseball, and yet, in order to be 'stranded' shouldn't one be eternally lost, abandoned and forlorn, strapped to their base as if it were an island in the stream? Given that the runners, do in fact return to the dugout and thence to the field, is it not morally superior to leave them to their own devices, challenging the so called 'stranded' to survive the treacherous jog back to the bench under their own guile and intellect? With the human mind capable of such complex, instinctual foresight, denying these runners the right to exercise their mental acuity is akin to negating the will of the student to question his teachings."
     
     
     
     
    Cogent as that argument may be, our own local God of Thunder unleashed his Willinghammer all over Ze Ubermensch with a bases clearing double. Standing on second base Willingham was heard to remark to Crain: "Sorry...I couldn't hear your question over the sound of my awesomeness..."
     
     

    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-GhL_Svc50xc/UXcqEooYa7I/AAAAAAAACJM/WjzfmIJzb5I/s200/Blizard+of+Oz.jpg
    [/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]The Blizzard of Oz
    [/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    Game 18
     
    Gross Weathered Out
    In their offices at Target Field the Pohlad brothers mutter darkly about moving the team somewhere with nicer weather that doesn't run the risk of so many early season snow/rain outs...like maybe: Nome, Alaska.


     
    Game 18 Take 2

    Twins 4 - Marlins 3

    Through the gloom of yet another April snow storm, the Twins took the field to battle the Miami Laughingstocks...I mean Marlins. As good fortune would have it, they had with them a young rookie with a nickname tailor-made for this kind of weather: "The Blizzard of Oz" Oswaldo Arcia! And with a heroic summoning of his magical prowess the Blizzard Wizard smote the Marlins with a three-run blast to take the lead and seal the game.
     
     
     



    Game 19
     
    Marlins 8-Twins 5



    Sensing my disparaging comments of them in the previous paragraphs, the Marlins took their revenge on Mike Pelfrey. As frustrating as their hitting was for Pelfry, it was more aggravating to hear them snidely shout out Nickleback lyrics with sheer condescension "Should've seen it coming!" jeered Placido Palanco, "It had to happen sometimes" crowed Greg Dobbs, "You went and bought a knife/to an all out gun fight" giggled Rob Brantley This was frustrating for Pelfry, but more frustrating for fans who realized that the Marlins actually sing better than Nickleback front man Chad Kroeger,
     
     
     
     
    Mr. Peanut: Brian Dozier (with a small sample size this mostly an award for improved defense and plate discipline, but still warranted)


    Nutty Buddy: Trevor Plouffe (again, it's a small sample size, but mediocre plate work plus poor defense means fans are seeing Eduardo Escobar through rose-colored, beer-goggled, Plouffey eyes)
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