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PeanutsFromHeaven

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Blog Entries posted by PeanutsFromHeaven

  1. PeanutsFromHeaven
    Here again, is a brief and not at all accurate reflection of how the Twins did over the past week
     

    Game 20
    Rangers 2 - Twins 1


    Despite the evening's overlong, numbingly-slow, seemingly interminable catalogue of the talents of others, the Twin Cities were delighted by their own brief shining moment of glory.
    But enough has been written about the Vikings' draft...The Twins also played and saw Josh Willingham hit a homerun in a losing effort to a more talented Rangers squad.
    In other news: The Twins front office began declaring their interest in drafting Mantei Te'o with the fourth overall pick in June's draft...just to keep local sportswriters amused for a few more weeks.
    Game 21
    Rangers 4 - Twins 3


    It was a beautiful afternoon in the Twins clubhouse, the perfect time to get in a little extra batting practice, enjoy some of the first sunshine of the spring.
    http://static2.fjcdn.com/thumbnails/comments/It+s+like+the+Grim+from+Harry+Potter+_1f25c14a0bc6adea36670f13faf83ff7.jpgThat's when Aaron Hicks noticed a shadow floating off by the electric marquee announcing the night's pitching match up. "OH NO!" He shouted, "You guys! We've got....the...Grimm!"
     
    "Yeah," replied Josh Willingham unconcernedly, "he's a rookie."
     
    "But...the Grimm foretells death and ill fortune for all who see it!!"
    "What, did you face him in the minors or something?" asked Joe Mauer.
     
    "No! But I read all about it in Unfogging the Future by Cassandra Vablatsky!"
     
    "Umm...Aaron," replied Justin Morneau, slurping the last of his McDonald's Sweet Tea [ONLY 99 cents AT PARTICIPATING STORES!!] "I think that's only a book in the Harry Potter series."
     
    "AAAAH!" Shouted Aaron Hicks, grabbing Morneau's cup and swirling around the dregs of the drink as if it were tea leaves, "IT'S THERE...IT'S THERE AGAIN!!! WE'RE DOOMED, DOOMED I SAY!!"
     
    As Aaron Hicks ran around shouting about the disaster to everyone, the heart of the order gathered together. Finally Morneau broke the silence, "I suppose the nice thing to do would be to help Hicksy build some confidence by having his prediction come true...you guys willing to get held scoreless by a rookie starter again?"
     
    "Eh," they responded in unison, "why not?"
     
    So they did...and Aaron Hicks felt better...and Oswaldo Arcia hit another homer...and the game was lost, but the nerdiness was won.

    Game 22
    Twins 7 - Rangers 2
    On their second consecutive beautiful day the Twins started to wonder if playing against the Rangers was really worth it. I mean, couldn't they just play this one quickly, lose (as they probably would anyway) and go home to put their feet up on the deck with a drink in hand and a steak on the grill?
     
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://ww2.hdnux.com/photos/21/24/17/4539385/3/628x471.jpg[/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]The very happy Mr. Hernandez[/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    But Rookie Pedro Hernandez was delighted to be there, making his second start and first attempt to become part of the "rotation". He kept talking to players in the dugout about "how cool" it was, and that standing on a big league mound was "so sweet!"
     
    When removed from the game after the fifth, Hernandez sat beaming on the bench around other players. "Man you guys this day is just awesome!" [mumble grumble said the team that wanted to go home] "Major league baseball...I mean for REALS!! How cool is this!!?!? [I-du-mumma-grumbasaid the team who was so over playing every day] "And just think tonight I've got Cloud Cult tickets for me and my best friends!" [Record scratch sound, heads swivel and everybody crowds around Hernandez]

    In an effort to impress Hernandez and get those extra tickets, Brian Dozier kept bragging about his "totally amazeballs sac fly", Wilkin Ramirez and Aaron Hicks drove in insurance runs, Josh Willingham smashed a home run to left, and when the bullpen heard about this option Anthony Swarzak, Brian Duensing and Jared Burton turned in scoreless efforts. And even though Glen Perkins gave up 2 runs, Hernandez cheered him up by flashing an extra ticket at him from the top step of the dugout.
     
    And as "Beautiful Day" played on the loud speakers, you could almost hear the glee as Wilkin Ramirez shouted "Let's get out of here and go listen to some experimental local indie art rock!! WOO Cloud Cult!!"
     
    Woo Cloud Cult indeed.


     
    Game 23
    Twins 5 - Rangers 0

    Sunday was my first day of the season at Target Field, with beautiful sunshine, a well paced game and the chance to see a well-played game. It also allowed me to develop what I think might be the best equation for the Twins surprising .500 record in April
     


    BB*H^2 + (ESKC/CP2012) = LW
     

    That's Bases on Balls (aka Walks) times Hits squared, plus Early Season Kevin Correia-ness* over Craptastic Pitching from 2012 equals a likely Win. The more we do any of these things, the more walks drawn, the more hits attained, the more Early-Season-Kevin-Correia-y our pitching can be and the less craptastically our pitching resembles that of 2012, the better chance we have to win. (And with Willingham getting the walks, Morneau getting the hits and Kevin Correia being Kevin Correia-y this game was a likely win)
     
    *Note, this is a very special brand of Kevin Correia and can still be used as a stand in for average effectiveness as a pitcher even if/when Correia collapses, after all Scott Diamond has had a very high Early-Season Kevin Correianess quotient throughout his run with the Twins*
     


    ADDED BONUS: A HAIKU FOR THE FOOD I ATE AT THE PARK
     
    The Italian Sausage
     
    First bite of summer
    Spices mild as big muddy
    Bursts on snow tired tongue
     
    http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-jPXBk3FFl0c/UUkWnooVmzI/AAAAAAAACII/wb0W6i22T1E/s200/BionicPelf.jpg
     
    Game 24
    Tigers 4 - Twins 3

    Having split the series against a very tough Rangers team, the Twins went in to Detroit full of piss, vinegar, and other assorted odd liquids. And to be sure, everything seemed to be going wonderfully, Josh Willingham homered again, Oswaldo Arcia continued to hit the ball hard, and Mike Pelfrey (the bionic reclamation project) seemed to have found a way to get guys out using trickery, guile (and maybe some mixture of piss and vinegar in their gatorade).
     
    http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-whM28hnN9Hw/Sk0q9MCm6GI/AAAAAAAABL8/iTw-aUSUKNg/s200/Souls+aren%2527t+Meat.jpgBut it was not to last...heading into the bottom of the sixth with the top of the order due up Gardy had a premonition that perhaps Pelfrey would need to take a rest. But Pelfrey prevailed upon him telling him in a slightly robotic tone, "come on skip-per...I can get these guys...my arm feels great...I just need some WD-40 to loosen my pitching mechanism...I mean, I just need a 'hot towel' on my 'arm' and I'll get them."
     
    Gardy was concerned, but after Pelfrey corrected himself he was sure things would work out...But Vegetarian crusader Prince Fielder could smell the metal and the grease and the un-eco friendly Pelfrey from a mile away. And with two men on, trailing by two he did what any self-respecting Vegi-citizen would do and lined a homerun to left-center, winning the game for the Tigers and increasing Super Agent Scott Boras' fear that his bionic pitcher project may be a dud...but that Fielder guy will probably make him some money for a long time to come.


     
    Game 25
    Tigers 6 - Twins 1
    http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wnP_shfgWQM/TgYgI3wh92I/AAAAAAAAB5A/C12Qq8t3zyA/s320/Mauer+Poster.jpg

    During all of this media reports surfaced that our benevolent chairman Joe Mauer was going through the worst hitting slump of his life. Going 0 for his last 20 entering play Tuesday night. These of course were salacious lies, Mauer (Bringer of Sun to the Snow Plagued Lands) in his infinite genius and wisdom has been redistributing feelings of honor and prosperity to other hitters in the Twins line-up.
     
    "The chairman (praises be to him), has mercifully blessed me with the muscle mass to hit many doubles" reported young Eduardo Escobar, "he truly is the harbinger of victory and a bountiful harvest."
     


    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_mgFCGNdNgo/S7egFstV5YI/AAAAAAAABdQ/y5AQWaN1gWk/s200/Tyglandra.jpg[/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]The Detroit Tygra Ace[/TD]

    [/TABLE]

    Enemies still bow before Mauer (provider of Snow in Sun plagued lands). And fear his mighty eyes of laser precision that are the only true judge of strikes and balls (no matter what the puppet umpires of the capitalist conspiracy of pitchers tells you). Witness the Chairman's mighty single against the Man-Tiger Hybrid called Justin Verlander, the American League's greatest weapon of mass destruction.
     
    The Chairman has vowed to honor all of those who have remained loyal to his greatness and destroy Thundera...I mean Comerica on his next visit, just as soon as he figures out why he wants to bomb Austin, Texas.


    Game 26
    Twins 6 - Tigers 2

    Having been bested by both Max Scherzer and Justin Verlander the Twins had hoped to get their offense going in the final game on Wednesday afternoon. Unfortunately they were facing Anibal Sanchez, whom the Twins announcers continue to insist on calling "Anna-belle" Sanchez. The image of Sanchez with a parasol, and a fan on the mound shouting out "I do declare!" was just too dang funny and they laughed their way to 9 strikes and a 3-2 lead thanks largely to swatting at balls while muttering "I don't give a damn".
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-iozSigXzsU4/UUkPnjPXzmI/AAAAAAAACH4/Png-BLVkQKQ/s200/Scapegoat%252713.jpg[/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Good goat...good goat.[/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    Fortunately it was enough as Scott Diamond gave up only two runs and avoided Rich Anderson hugs long enough to get through 6 innings en route to another win and a return to .500!
     
    Mr. Peanut Award: Kevin Correia (easily gave the most impressive single performance of the week...and I've been ignoring him too long...like Sally Field at the Oscars)
    Nutty Buddy: Joe Mauer (not that the chairman requires pity...but listing a Nutty Buddy has boosted the fortunes of others before...fingers crossed!)
     
     


  2. PeanutsFromHeaven
    From time to time, I pause in my pursuit of the goofiest possible photoshops, to write things about other things. Such writing reflects my opinions and is not reflective of the opinions of editors at Twins Daily or readers like you. I hope it inspires questions and discussion, and if it simply irritates you, don't worry I'll be back to the photoshops soon.
     
    As you may know, people really like sports.
    Lots of people.
    Millions of people.
    And they like it so much that they will furiously dissect the evaluation and selection of new players during the epic "drafts" that have come to dominate a fans' off-season calendar. (I sometimes wonder if aspiring draft pundits are standing on their elementary school playgrounds right now arguing over who Timmy should have taken third for kickball, Johnny who was caught eating paste but can run a 6.3 dash to first base, or Annabelle who hasn't had a great season 'till now but does have tremendous upside.)
    While drafts are great opportunities for armchair GMs to opine and prognosticate about the future, they also signal the beginning of the end for veteran athletes who will soon be replaced by younger, less expensive talent. Such was the case for Minnesota Vikings' punter Chris Kluwe on Saturday. When the Vikings drafted a young punter int he fifth round, pundits and fans raced to analyze the pick and debate the likelihood that Kluwe would never wear gold and purple again [outside of World of Warcraft that is].
     
    But a change in punters' isn't normally a newsworthy event, unless that punter is a prominent personality who appears on NPR and Comedy Central [as Kluwe is]. It is even more noticeable when said punter is an outspoken proponent of marriage equality [as Kluwe also is]. Suddenly, changing punters seems to be less of a management decision and more of a referendum on a employing someone who capitalizes on his (relative) celebrity.
    I don't know the Vikings reasoning for removing Kluwe, and I doubt I'll ever know. I am sure that in football, as in almost every other sport, when talent is similar the younger, cheaper option is preferable to the older, pricier option (that's just sane management). I am also sure that the Vikings are in the business of keeping fans happy, so I can see how a controversial kicker who espouses uncomfortable opinions does not necessarily help the business. Kluwe's attitude and advocacy seemed to alienate his supervisor (the special teams' coach) and also seemed to irritate a swathe a fans [if the plethora of "he-should've-kept-his-mouth-shut-and-played-the-damn-game" comments on talk radio and the internet are any guide]. Given that the NFL eschews societal controversies and that Kluwe's fellow gay-rights agitator in shoulder pads (Ravens' Brendon Ayanbadejo) was recently cut, the Vikings' real reasons for drafting a punter may well be drowned out by a public perception that a player's personal opinions partially contributed to the loss of his job.
    If they have allowed his opinions to influence their decision making, then by preparing to cut ties with Kluwe, the Vikings and the NFL are punting a controversial topic downfield. But [and behold my segue back to baseball] would we be having the same conversation if we were talking about Chris Kluwe, middle reliever, instead of Chris Kluwe, punter? If Kluwe was not involved in the highest profile sport in the country, if he was just another "colorful" veteran about to be displaced by a hot prospect, would there be a public perception that his opinions were partially responsible for the end of his career (at least in the Twin Cities)?
    I have to think that the answer is yes. Regardless of what sport you play, there's an attitude prevalent among the fan base for sports that playing the game should trump personal opinions. And no matter what opinion the player has and no matter whether you agree or disagree with that opinion, I personally believe that we should be rooting for players and athletes to share their opinions more rather than less.
    I know several arguments against having opinionated, activist players prominently featured on your local team. Starting with the thought that they ought to just "play the game" and leave their opinions in their homes, but I can't help but feel that would do our favorite athletes a disservice if we discouraged them from speaking up when they think it matters.
    I know some worry that controversial opinions are bad for business [especially since the costumer base for most major sports tends to be conservative], but with polarizing issues you can often gain as many fans on one side of the ideological divide as you lose from the other. (And when discussing gay marriage, the opinion gap between young and old suggests you may well find more long term fans.)
    I know some believe that athletes are here to entertain not to agitate, but just because someone is an entertainer doesn't preclude them from having the same right to free will and free expression as a data cruncher, corporate executive, factory worker or educator. More to the point, you might not like Clint Eastwood or George Clooney's politics, but they still are free to express themselves whenever they see fit
    I know some cite concerns around locker room morale as a reason to avoid the controversial, but other businesses throughout the country find ways to survive despite disparate opinions in the break room or board room. And if the armed forces can continue protecting and defending our nation with both heterosexual and homosexual servicemen and women (not to mention tolerant and intolerant opinions about sexual orientation) in the same barracks, I have to imagine that professional athletes can play a game.
    I know some feel like the purpose of sports is simply to amuse, thereby providing a distraction from the controversies and difficulties of the world around us. Certainly amusement can be nice from time to time. Yet, if taxpaying citizens are going to be held responsible for financing the stadia, arena and ballparks [as we do with other amusement based public institutions like say the Guthrie theatre], it would be nice if (in addition to providing amusement and community pride) teams engaged with the issues that local citizens/financiers are facing too (like the Guthrie does with their plays).
    On balance, it would be foolish to ignore the difficulties that come along with having an opinionated player in the locker room. But the difficulties are not insurmountable. Heck, they're barely even daunting. So if baseball (or any other major sport) allows fears over the fallout from opinionated players to dictate their team management, they will be be taking the easy way out of a simple situation.
    This is the time to act, and few sports can do it as easily as baseball. Given the sport's historical prominence in challenging social conventions, it seems natural for baseball to take the lead in dealing with the issues of the day (and with a 162 game schedule, its only a matter of time until big issues become part of the every day routine of your life). Baseball's the sport that asked us to consider anti-semitism (with Hank Greenberg), to consider racism (with Jackie Robinson and Larry Doby), to consider the restrictions of labor laws (with Curt Flood).
    Of course, simply speaking out in favor of gay rights is not the same as being Jackie Robinson, still, now is the time for sports teams to deal with gay rights. (Witness the fact that in the time between my first draft this morning and my published draft this evening, free agent basketball player Jason Collins became the first openly gay athlete in a major sport.) Opinions about homosexuality are already out there, from the in-game trash talk of Yunel Escobar to the public comments of former Twin Torii Hunter. Baseball teams don't need to go out of our way to hire opinionated players, or to protect them from losing their jobs if they aren't as effective as others, but I hope we never need to dissect the motives for releasing a player whose opinions set them apart from the norm.
    If a Twins player speaks up about their opinions, whatever side of the issue they land on, I hope that they are heard, respected and engaged as part of a broader debate. With respect to Edward R. Murrow sports is now what TV once was, it can entertain, but it can also "teach, illuminate...and it can even inspire. But it can do so only to the extent that humans are determined to use it to those ends." That responsibility begins with the players and extends out to the managers, executives and owners who work with them, then to the fans who cheer them on.
    For everyone involved, and all of us watching/cheering at home, I hope that baseball doesn't punt this opportunity away.
  3. PeanutsFromHeaven
    http://mobile.milb.com/images/players/mugshot/ph_466412.jpgWhen last we left Louie P. he was capping a stellar 2012 season with an abysmal September call-up full of tears, recriminations and the natural side-effects of too much time spent around Jose Bautista.
    It was a tumultuous offseason for Perdomo as well, getting cast down from the opulence of the majors to an out right assignment to Rochester. He also lost his bearded prominence among Twins' pitchers to a couple of guys who broke camp with the major league squad: Tyler Robertson and Liam Hendricks (both of whom are now back in Rochester with Perdomo). Now wearing the stubbly shadow left behind in Fort Meyers by Alex Burnett he's off to an inconsistent beginning with the Red Wings.
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2I8EA_27wWA/UCXfB8Hzd3I/AAAAAAAABbo/tCzWq7AGMaY/s200/Tony+Robbins.jpg[/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Peanuts from Heaven means
    no disrespect to Tony Robbins
    whatsoever...please don't sue.[/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    Following up on a suggestion from our offseason blue print last fall: we peanuts firmly believe that the solution is for Luis to unleash the power within! (However, since Tony Robbins is both unavailable to teach that to Luis and extremely litigious, we'd like to alter that instruction slightly. So Luis, in case you (like all humans with a functioning brain cell and access to the internet) google yourself in the near future. Here is our guide to DE-RESTRAINING A FORCE INSIDE YOU!

    Step 1: Take what is in you, and put it OUT THERE!

    Remember Luis, you are a source of power and dynamic energy. The human body is capable of incredible things, and, as an athlete, your body is capable of amaze-tastic things! You can do anything because you have the same bones, blood and muscles as thousands who have gone before you. (You could be a nobel laureate, or a world class inventor, or President of the Dominican Republic...or--and I'm just tossing this out there--you could be an above average major league relief pitcher!)
    But all that naturally existing energy and all those positive ions are trapped inside of ourselves, inside of our cores. It is up to us to let them out Luis! Visualize your strength! Visualize your stamina! Visualize your beard! And let it rise up through the surface and out into our real world. Let your strength flow through your arm and push the ball an extra mile-per-hour faster. Allow your stamina to expand your frame and fill you up with the will to go more than two-thirds of an inning. Permit your beard to be YOUR BEARD!!
    TAKE WHAT IS IN YOU AND PUT IT OUT THERE!!
    (This instruction was intended for Luis Perdomo only...following the Peanuts from Heaven De-Restraining a Force Inside You [DRAFIY] without specifically tailored guidance from a Peanuts From Heaven approved Force De-Restrainer may result in serious injury. Peanuts from Heaven is not liable for misinterpretations of their lessons...but please don't think this lesson is encouraging to remove your own appendix...that's crazy talk)
  4. PeanutsFromHeaven
    Game 10
    Mets 16 - Twins 5


    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://www.newyorker.com/images/covers/1925/1925_02_21_p233.jpg[/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Artists rendering of
    a Metropolitan player[/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    Yeah...that happened. But on the plus side, at least our name isn't a shortened form of the snobby title "Metropolitans". As in: "Oh, how droll! The Metropolitans have bested those cold weather klutzes in Minnesota! I must broach the topic with my Monacle repair man, when I go in for my bi-quarterly cleaning!"
     

    Game 11
    Mets 4 - Twins 2


    Returning to the team after surgery and rehab, Scott Diamond was warmly received. And through four shut out innings life was grand indeed as he pitched like he actually knew what he was doing.
     
    After finishing the fourth, Diamond returned to the dugout and got bearhugged by pitching coach Rick Anderson. "GOD I'VE MISSED YOU, SCOTT!! It's so good to see someone hit his spots and control the movement on his pitches. I can't tell you how awful it's been. I just...DON'T EVER LEAVE ME AGAIN!!"
     
    All this hugging and bromance was wonderful (though not exactly fun for Mike Pelfrey and Vance Worley to watch from their spots on the bench), however it did have the unfortunate side-effect of squeezing Diamond's very tender arm. This in turn led to an increase in his fatigue. Which led to giving up 7 straight hits and four runs. It also led to Justin Morneau cautiously avoiding all hug-happy coaches after his 7th inning homer helped the Twins avoid being no-hit.
     

    Game 12
    Sleeted Out
    Rather than playing the game the Twins curled up in the club house with big bowls of popcorn and watched classic movies like The Princess Bride and The Land Before Time.


    Game 13
    Twins 8 - Angels 2
     

    Full disclosure, Stinky and I watched most of this game after attending a scotch tasting at Surdyk's in North Minneapolis. From what we can tell from our notes scribbled on a variety of bar napkins: Joe Mauer's plate approach seems light, airy and almost floral at first before finishing like a dagger, while Kevin Correia continues to undermine our expectations by flourishing glimpses of smoke mixed with a wide range of candied toffee, vanilla and butterscotch notes...or pitches or whatever...(Also the Glendronach 12 year went 2 for 4 with a homer).


     
    Game 14
    Twins 8 - Angels 6

    Continuing a ramp up of aggressive posturing since his grandfather's birthday: our supreme leader Chairman Mauer continued his assault on Los Angeles decrying them as a "harbinger of Western [Division] decadence, whose profligate spending on talent will forever leave their souls empty of the hard work and moral triumph that is present in every Twinnesotan heart." When asked about his own oversized contract, the Chairman (praises be upon his sideburns) smote the reporter with a cleanly struck single up the middle.


     
    Game 15
     
    Snowed Out
     

    http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-v7mWPbCBZC4/SjkiYVJlpcI/AAAAAAAABJw/5lMZTiZqfZ4/s200/Statue.jpgUp until the last minute the Twins were planning on playing the game. But once it became clear that the school bus sent to pick up rosy-cheeked rookies Oswaldo Arcia and Aaron Hicks wouldn't make it, and when Brian Dozier, Chris Parmelee and Ryan Pressley asked their moms to "pretty-please" not take them to the stadium, they had no choice but to give it up and plan to play LA another day.
     
     
     
     
    This week's Mr Peanut: Chairman Joe Mauer
     
    This week's Nutty Buddy: Aaron Hicks (there's two kinds of Aaron Hicks fans, those who want him to go down to AAA and figure his game out, and those who want to make him a bowl of chicken noodle soup and promise him that it'll all work out in the end...we're the latter.)



  5. PeanutsFromHeaven
    Game 10
    Mets 16 - Twins 5


    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://www.newyorker.com/images/covers/1925/1925_02_21_p233.jpg
    [/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Artists rendering of
    a Metropolitan player
    [/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    Yeah...that happened. But on the plus side, at least our name isn't a shortened form of the snobby title "Metropolitans". As in: "Oh, how droll! The Metropolitans have bested those cold weather klutzes in Minnesota! I must broach the topic with my Monacle repair man, when I go in for my bi-quarterly cleaning!"
     

    Game 11
    Mets 4 - Twins 2


    Returning to the team after surgery and rehab, Scott Diamond was warmly received. And through four shut out innings life was grand indeed as he pitched like he actually knew what he was doing.
     
    After finishing the fourth, Diamond returned to the dugout and got bearhugged by pitching coach Rick Anderson. "GOD I'VE MISSED YOU, SCOTT!! It's so good to see someone hit his spots and control the movement on his pitches. I can't tell you how awful it's been. I just...DON'T EVER LEAVE ME AGAIN!!"
     
    All this hugging and bromance was wonderful (though not exactly fun for Mike Pelfrey and Vance Worley to watch from their spots on the bench), however it did have the unfortunate side-effect of squeezing Diamond's very tender arm. This in turn led to an increase in his fatigue. Which led to giving up 7 straight hits and four runs. It also led to Justin Morneau cautiously avoiding all hug-happy coaches after his 7th inning homer helped the Twins avoid being no-hit.
     

    Game 12
    Sleeted Out
    Rather than playing the game the Twins curled up in the club house with big bowls of popcorn and watched classic movies like The Princess Bride and The Land Before Time.
     


    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://www.thegreenwellystop.co.uk/whiskyshop/images/uploads/Glendronach/Oct11-Glendronach12O-1.jpg
    [/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Quietly consistent...
     
     
    [/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    Game 13
     
    Twins 8 - Angels 2
     

    Full disclosure, Stinky and I watched most of this game after attending a scotch tasting at Surdyk's in North Minneapolis. From what we can tell from our notes scribbled on a variety of bar napkins: Joe Mauer's plate approach seems light, airy and almost floral at first before finishing like a dagger, while Kevin Correia continues to undermine our expectations by flourishing glimpses of smoke mixed with a wide range of candied toffee, vanilla and butterscotch notes...or pitches or whatever...(Also the Glendronach 12 year went 2 for 4 with a homer).


     
     
     
    Game 14
     
    Twins 8 - Angels 6
     

    Continuing a ramp up of aggressive posturing since his grandfather's birthday: our supreme leader Chairman Mauer continued his assault on Los Angeles decrying them as a "harbinger of Western [Division] decadence, whose profligate spending on talent will forever leave their souls empty of the hard work and moral triumph that is present in every Twinnesotan heart." When asked about his own oversized contract, the Chairman (praises be upon his sideburns) smote the reporter with a cleanly struck single up the middle.


     
    Game 15
     
    Snowed Out
     

    http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-v7mWPbCBZC4/SjkiYVJlpcI/AAAAAAAABJw/5lMZTiZqfZ4/s200/Statue.jpgUp until the last minute the Twins were planning on playing the game. But once it became clear that the school bus sent to pick up rosy-cheeked rookies Oswaldo Arcia and Aaron Hicks wouldn't make it, and when Brian Dozier, Chris Parmelee and Ryan Pressley asked their moms to "pretty-please" not take them to the stadium, they had no choice but to give it up and plan to play LA another day.
     
     
     
     
    This week's Mr Peanut: Chairman Joe Mauer
     
    This week's Nutty Buddy: Aaron Hicks (there's two kinds of Aaron Hicks fans, those who want him to go down to AAA and figure his game out, and those who want to make him a bowl of chicken noodle soup and promise him that it'll all work out in the end...we're the latter.)



  6. PeanutsFromHeaven
    Game 10
    Mets 16 - Twins 5


    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://www.newyorker.com/images/covers/1925/1925_02_21_p233.jpg
    [/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Artists rendering of
    a Metropolitan player
    [/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    Yeah...that happened. But on the plus side, at least our name isn't a shortened form of the snobby title "Metropolitans". As in: "Oh, how droll! The Metropolitans have bested those cold weather klutzes in Minnesota! I must broach the topic with my Monacle repair man, when I go in for my bi-quarterly cleaning!"
     

    Game 11
    Mets 4 - Twins 2


    Returning to the team after surgery and rehab, Scott Diamond was warmly received. And through four shut out innings life was grand indeed as he pitched like he actually knew what he was doing.
     
    After finishing the fourth, Diamond returned to the dugout and got bearhugged by pitching coach Rick Anderson. "GOD I'VE MISSED YOU, SCOTT!! It's so good to see someone hit his spots and control the movement on his pitches. I can't tell you how awful it's been. I just...DON'T EVER LEAVE ME AGAIN!!"
     
    All this hugging and bromance was wonderful (though not exactly fun for Mike Pelfrey and Vance Worley to watch from their spots on the bench), however it did have the unfortunate side-effect of squeezing Diamond's very tender arm. This in turn led to an increase in his fatigue. Which led to giving up 7 straight hits and four runs. It also led to Justin Morneau cautiously avoiding all hug-happy coaches after his 7th inning homer helped the Twins avoid being no-hit.
     

    Game 12
    Sleeted Out
    Rather than playing the game the Twins curled up in the club house with big bowls of popcorn and watched classic movies like The Princess Bride and The Land Before Time.
     


    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://www.thegreenwellystop.co.uk/whiskyshop/images/uploads/Glendronach/Oct11-Glendronach12O-1.jpg
    [/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Quietly consistent...
     
     
    [/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    Game 13
     
    Twins 8 - Angels 2
     

    Full disclosure, Stinky and I watched most of this game after attending a scotch tasting at Surdyk's in North Minneapolis. From what we can tell from our notes scribbled on a variety of bar napkins: Joe Mauer's plate approach seems light, airy and almost floral at first before finishing like a dagger, while Kevin Correia continues to undermine our expectations by flourishing glimpses of smoke mixed with a wide range of candied toffee, vanilla and butterscotch notes...or pitches or whatever...(Also the Glendronach 12 year went 2 for 4 with a homer).


     
     
     
    Game 14
     
    Twins 8 - Angels 6
     

    Continuing a ramp up of aggressive posturing since his grandfather's birthday: our supreme leader Chairman Mauer continued his assault on Los Angeles decrying them as a "harbinger of Western [Division] decadence, whose profligate spending on talent will forever leave their souls empty of the hard work and moral triumph that is present in every Twinnesotan heart." When asked about his own oversized contract, the Chairman (praises be upon his sideburns) smote the reporter with a cleanly struck single up the middle.


     
    Game 15
     
    Snowed Out
     

    http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-v7mWPbCBZC4/SjkiYVJlpcI/AAAAAAAABJw/5lMZTiZqfZ4/s200/Statue.jpgUp until the last minute the Twins were planning on playing the game. But once it became clear that the school bus sent to pick up rosy-cheeked rookies Oswaldo Arcia and Aaron Hicks wouldn't make it, and when Brian Dozier, Chris Parmelee and Ryan Pressley asked their moms to "pretty-please" not take them to the stadium, they had no choice but to give it up and plan to play LA another day.
     
     
     
     
    This week's Mr Peanut: Chairman Joe Mauer
     
    This week's Nutty Buddy: Aaron Hicks (there's two kinds of Aaron Hicks fans, those who want him to go down to AAA and figure his game out, and those who want to make him a bowl of chicken noodle soup and promise him that it'll all work out in the end...we're the latter.)



  7. PeanutsFromHeaven
    We're happy to keep guiding you through the strange but true events of the Twins 2013 season
    *Note: Events are not actually true, but would be very entertaining if they were.
     
    Here's our second edition of Twins recaps as only we can do them: inaccurately but chock full of puns and bad jokes!

    Game 4
    Orioles 9-Twins 5


    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]
    [/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]MASN Sports
    [/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    Picking up where he left off last year, Liam Hendricks was a frustrating mixture of promising and aggravating, wriggling out of a few jams but ultimately giving up four runs to the Orioles on the condition that they keep all Dingos in the greater Baltimore area on a firm leash.
     
    Despite Hendricks struggles, the Twins stayed in the game thanks to Brian Dozier's rosy-cheeked "Can-Do!" attitude which children find adorable and which fans will tolerate provided he doesn't air mail any throws to second.But sadly, Brian Dozier's hope of playing hero, as well as Tyler Robertson's hope of having an intimidating beard, was smashed by Baltimore's Chris "Crush" Davis. When asked why he hates all the Twins and Twins fans, and why he won't let us have nice things Davis replied: "Huh? What are you even talking about?"
     

    Game 5
    Twins 6-Orioles 5


    Hurt by Davis' confused dismissal of our totally reasonable, and not at all melodramatic reactions to the previous day's loss, Brian Dozier was sitting forlorn in the clubhouse until Justin Morneau (he of the broad shoulders and MVP award) asked what was wrong. Dozier sobbed: "Chris Davis wasn't playing nice! He just hits the ball hard and doesn't even care that we try to do the little things right! He's a real meanie, I don't want to play with him any more!"
     
     
    Morneau comforted the BrianDozer (well, as much as you can comfort an anthropomorphic bull dozer) saying, "don't worry Brian. You just keep trying to do the little things right, and remember that if you ever feel bullied by someone who hits the ball hard, just tell an adult and we'll fix things up." So it was that Morneau stood up to Chris "Crush" Davis, telling him in the third inning (after a line drive single), "you need to learn some manners, Mr. Davis."
     
     
    Replied Davis, "uhh....what?"
     
     
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-GqYERUbn_l0/SrKKL0l7qUI/AAAAAAAABRI/3sIhk9B6IGg/s320/Brawny+Morneau.jpg[/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]He teaches hitting...and manners[/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    Shaking his head with disappointment, Morneau responded, "if you don't know you clearly weren't paying attention to our feelings. In Canada we have a word for people like you: jerks. Just for that, I'll only be leaving one canister of maple syrup as a thank you gift for hosting us this weekend!"
     
     
    "I don't...why am I? Are we supposed to give hosting gifts?"
     
     
    "You'll see, after Chris hits this homerun...oh, you'll see...", replied Morneau and sure enough Chris Davis did see. He saw Chris Parmelee's home run, he saw his own costly error prolong the 9th inning, and he saw Justin Morneau capitalize on that error to drive in the game's winning run.
     
     
    "I hope you learned your lesson, Mr. Davis" said Morneau, again perched on first base.
     
     
    "Umm...yes?"
     
     
    "What was the lesson?"
     
     
    "To pretend I know what the hell you're talking about?" But this response was again, impolite to Justin's Canadian cultural mindset and to the ever sensitive Twins' youngsters and so....
     
     

    Game 6
     
    Twins 4-Orioles 3


    The blood feud continued into Sunday, even though Chris Davis was still totally unaware of what he had done to irk the Twins so much.
     
     
     
     
     
    In the third inning, full of righteous indignation, Justin Morneau swung with all his might and lifted an easy fly ball to center. When it fell between Nate McClouth and Adam Jones, Morneau trotted into second, but didn't feel good about it.
     
     
    http://www.pressboxonline.com/upload/orioles12_davis2_483.jpgLooking back at first base he saw Chris Davis, in what Morneau assumed was a humble acknowledgement that he was wrong and Morneau was right and that he had agreed with McClouth and Jones to let the easy fly ball fall between them as a peace offering. (Davis was in fact, just doffing his cap to check out the girl in the 10th row)
     
     
    Moved by this kindness Morneau shouted out: "Sorry, Chris! Let's be buddies again! I'll give everybody a couple jars of maple syrup, mmmkay?!"
     
     
    Confused (as usual) Davis gave Morneau a thumbs up and moved on with his life. Though he struck out in a crucial situation and though his team did lose the game, he did end up with maple syrup, so he won at life.
     
     

    Game 7
     
    Royals 3-Twins 1


    Shockingly, Kevin Correia continued his solid performances as a starter, handcuffing the Kansas City bats for 7 stellar innings. His performance was so good that most fans who had heretofore decried his signing as "the worst thing to happen in the history of ever" were forced to reevaluate things and put a variety of genocides and Kristin Stewart's acting career ahead of him on the list of "worst things in the history of ever" again.
     
     
     
     
    As the tide was turning, Corriea, sensing a great disturbance in the Scapegoat force immediately set about correcting this, giving up three in the eighth to lose the game. Fans throughout Twins territory cheered...by booing.
     
     
     
     

    Game 8
     
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]
    [/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Do it for the Shocker!!
     
     
     
     
     
     
    [/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    Royals 7 - Twins 4


    Returning to the media market closest to his beloved Wichita, Mike Pelfrey was determined to what his alma mater, the Wichita State Shockers, could not do: beat Louisville!
     
     
     
     
    Unfortunately, Pelfrey's attempts to throw balls so easy to hit that the Royals would launch them through the stratosphere, over the state of Missouri, Southern Illinois and right into Rick Pitino's face was not conducive to winning the game and the Twins dropped their second in a row.
     
     

    Game 9
     
    Royals 3 - Twins 0


    Winding up the road trip, the Twins were eager to get home, and, with a foul little storm blowing trough Kansas City, they didn't have a whole lot of motivation to go and do anything, not even pick up little Chris Parmelee or Brian Dozier from soccer practice or second base or whatever.
     
     
     
     
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-sIUWcprDKQQ/UUkeZ2niFLI/AAAAAAAACIo/pVVzvAnifFw/s320/ChrisParm.jpg[/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]So do we Chris, so do we[/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    Yup, the Twins went 0-11 with runners in scoring position, stranding 12 men Wednesday night. In fact, it wasn't until they went to the airport and Eduardo Escobar broke down crying that they realized they had left Brian Dozier on 1st base without telling him he could come back inside from the rain storm...(rookies...)
     
     
     
     
    Mr. Peanut Award (best player of the past week): Chris Parmelee (Last week's nutty buddy got on base or an RBI in every game of the road trip...even the one where he only had 1 at bat)
    Nutty Buddy Award (player who needs some support): Aaron Hicks (Batting .057 with strikeouts in almost half of his plate appearances shows that the man might need a little love)
     
     
     
  8. PeanutsFromHeaven
    Growing up, there were three songs that would invariably draw my entire family in to the tv room: "One Shining Moment", "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" and "The James Bond Theme". Last Friday (after Chris Davis crushed the hopes of Twins fans with a game-winning grand slam), I watched a James Bond documentary (Everything or Nothing available on Netflix streaming) to cheer myself up.
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container, align: center]


    http://cdn.wittysparks.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/05/007.jpg?a26616

    [TD=class: tr-caption]This will all make sense...I promise[/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    As a result I started to see all kinds of overlaps between the movies many of us love, and the team pretty much anybody reading this care about. And while hearing all about the two principle topics amongst Twins nerds this last week--how good is it to have Joe Mauer batting 2nd (courtesy of Gleeman and the Geek), and why is being "closer" the only thing that Glen Perkins can do (courtesy of Twitter freakouts)--I couldn't help but think that both the documentary and the Twins conversations all have to deal with the idea of "playing a specific role".
    After all, you can practically picture the casting notices for each of these positions

    Starring Role: James Bond
    Debonair British spy capable of crushing a man's trachea and cracking bed springs with foreign hotties. (All commonwealth accents accepted, black hair preferred)
    Seeking #2 Hitter
    should be (1) able to get on base, (2) able to run reasonably well (scrappiness a plus)
    Searching for: A Closer
    Will be pitching the 9th inning ONLY, should limit runners, throw hard, handle stress and only worry about pitching the 9th inning.
     


    Sometimes you have exactly the right person for the part (see: Brosnan, Pierce; Castillo, Luis; Nathan, Joe). However, just because these are the expectations doesn't mean that likely candidates for the job will always succeed (anyone who has suffered through Sean Connery's Never Say Never Again or watched Matt Capps pitch with the game on the line will attest to that). But with the way the Twins' franchise has been going lately, having obvious candidates for the job is increasingly rare.
     
     
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ODd5UXo1nps/UDzPLhwJ7DI/AAAAAAAAGv8/t0twru-KABE/s200/blandshad.jpg[/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Another Craig/Mauer parrallel[/TD]

    [/TABLE]

    One option the Twins have, now that players obviously suited to a role are longer an option, is to try something different and unexpected. That's where Daniel Craig comes in as Bond, and that's where Joe Mauer comes in as the #2 hitter. Remember, Craig was seen as too short, too unknown and too blonde to be Bond when he first got the job. Mauer can certainly get on base, but speed? scrappiness? I don't think so.
     
     
    Of course, the fans came to love Craig as Bond (or at least buy tickets to see him), and if early excitement is any indication, Twins fans are okay with letting Mauer bat a little more frequently than he has been. While it might chafe at Gardy's sense of baseball "tradition", it's got fans pumped and willing to try something new.
     
     
    The other thing the Twins can do, since obvious selections are no longer an option, is to do something slightly less daring than "different and unexpected" (hence, more likely in the Twin Cities). Rather than taking a wild shot at totally different options, the Twins can go with someone they knew and trusted, hoping that they could rise up to the standards in time (the rotating flotilla of #2 hitters from Tolbert to Casilla to Dozier proves that). That style of casting echoes the hiring of Roger Moore, a popular sort-of-Bond actor, who also had been a friend of Bond producers.
     
     
    The thing is, it took fans and ownership time to figure out what to do with Moore. After a couple average films, it was clear that the square-jawed, dry humor, animal magnetism wasn't going to be his thing like it was for Connery (or like poor George Lazenby tried to make it for himself). Instead Moore spawned a more cartoony Bond, with less toughness and more of an "aww-shucks-I-electrocuted-you" kind of effortless espionage. The crowds wanted a different take on Bond, and though it took some time, both producers and fans got it in the end.
     
     
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qlzl8L0eKh8/UJlsKs-M4QI/AAAAAAAAAa0/BfEl8eWceCg/s320/Roger-Moore-Moonraker-HD-Desktop-Wallpaper-1024x576.jpg[/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]This is your future, Glen. Don't fight it.[/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    So you can think of Glen Perkins as the Roger Moore of Twins territory. The truest heir to the mantle of "closer" since Joe Nathan's departure in 2011, Perkins was a known quantity, trusted by the coaching staff. So far, he has handled the same old part with aplomb, but fans of Perkins, and fans of the Twins are willing to see something other than the same old, same old. Perkins has been a big league starter (successfully at that). He's been good in middle-relief and set-up jobs. So why not put a new spin on the old part and let Perkins close down any inning where the lead's in trouble?
     
     
    Besides, if my analogy proves accurate, we're bound to end up with the Twins saving the world, killing a megalomaniac, and blowing up an evil lair. Translation: WE'RE GONNA FINALLY BEAT THE YANKEES!!
  9. PeanutsFromHeaven
    In an effort to keep my blogging on a more consistent time-line, I have decided that rather than writing when the mood strikes me (or when I sigh dispiritedly at my inactivity), I will try to post short recaps of each series after they wrap up--this way I have a regular time to write and a consistent subject to write about.
    Of course, while lots of people will tell you what happened, only we Peanuts can tell you what happened...in our imagination!

    Game 1
    Tigers 4-Twins 2


    When the game time temperature is 33 degrees, you tend to assume it's late October...or that you're playing in Nome. That temperature scared most players into bundling up, but our own resident Wild Vanimal, Vance Worley, went out hurling in his shirt sleeves. After struggling in the early innings, numbness set in and Worley was able to do his job effectively.
    However the offense was somewhat lacking, as only our great and glorious Chairman Joe Mau...er picked up hits off Tigers' ace/opening day starter/video-game-cover-boy/beloved boyfriend of supermodels everywhere: Justin Verlander. Said Chairman Mauer of his continued hostilities with the Detroit Righty "We shall not allow the Tiger pups' imperial aggression to stand. Strikeouts are capitalist thievery of our people's glorious love of hitting. Our vengeance for today's defeat shall be swift and permanent!"
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container, align: center]


    http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-vFAhZ0kE8mc/SwtPhJzXtCI/AAAAAAAABUY/TGTgSFzVRWo/s400/Mauer+Poster+2.jpg

    [TD=class: tr-caption](Also...our nuclear reactor is totally connected to the power grid)[/TD]

    [/TABLE]

    Game 2
    Twins 3-Tigers 2


    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-iozSigXzsU4/UUkPnjPXzmI/AAAAAAAACH4/Png-BLVkQKQ/s200/Scapegoat%252713.jpg[/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Correia before the post-game
    buffet of tin cans[/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    Following Monday's pledge from the chairman, the Twin fans approached Wednesday's game slightly warmer, but much more hesitant to cheer (as evidenced by the scant 22,000 people who paid...and even fewer who turned up). This might well be attributed to your favorite scapegoat and mine: Kevin Correia who couldn't even stink as terribly as we all thought he would when signed over the winter, becoming the second Twin pitcher to have a quality start in as many games.
    Still, the Twins trailed after Correia left the game and continued to do so until the 9th inning when Eduardo Escobar (who?) hit a double off the wall in left. Escobar (him, you sure?) delivered the tying and winning runs to allow the local team to celebrate in grand style. Some of them even congratulated Escobar (really, him?) even though they occasionally called him "Pedro" or "Alexei" by accident.
     
    Game 3
    Twins 8-Tigers 2


    With a record above .500 there's for the taking, it was widely assumed that the Twins would lose and lose horribly to keep order in the universe. This did not happen.
    So now that we have a chaotic universe, does it really matter that Mike Pelfry pitched well in his first start since Tommy John surgery? (both runs were unearned) Now that the randomness of genetic inanity will lead to fish flying and birds swimming, does it really matter that Josh Willingham and Trevor Plouffe both homered? With black turning into white and Keannu Reeves inheriting the title of "Greatest Actor Ever", should we really care that Aaron Hicks got his first base hit and Ryan Pressley got his first strikeout?
    Logically the answer should be no...but since there is no order in the universe logic is for suckers and yes! HUZZAH FOR THE TWINS!!
    To wrap up, we'll pass out a few awards, because, honestly, they'll probably be some of the only awards we win this year.
     
    Our Mr. Peanut (Best Player of the Series): Justin Morneau (consistent hitting, getting on base and fishing innumerable Pedro Florimon throws out of the dirt)
    Our Nutty Buddy (Player who needs a little support): Chris Parmelee (the heir apparent to Morneau's spot in the order had a rougher start: 1 for 10 with 5 Ks, but he did catch Torii Hunter on a throw to third)
  10. PeanutsFromHeaven
    Like everything else I write: this is also available at our original site: Peanuts from Heaven
     
    It's a spring-time tradition. When Spring Break arrives, I say goodbye to my students, make a few Arrested Development jokes with my colleagues, and pick up as much as I can find on the impending baseball season
    This year, in addition to the standard season preview issues of Sports Illustrated and ESPN, I also picked up the City Pages, on the basis of it's ominous headline "Baseball's Fiscal Cliff: As another season begins, MLB faces an unsustainable future--and you're picking up the tab". (Certainly a title capable of grabbing attention, and the whole article is available here)



    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://media.citypages.com/8664187.0.jpg
    [/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Credit: City Pages
    [/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    The fiscal cliff referred to by author--Pete Kotz--is based on 4 clear points (with the emphasis and dire headline being based most clearly on the 4th point)

    Baseball is beset with competitive imbalanceTo Kotz's mind the more popular NFL and NBA help their sports thrive by helping teams thrive in middle-markets like Green Bay and San Antonio, while grand ol' game is trapped in a recurring cycle where "the big crush the small with painful regularity".
     
     
     
     
    Baseball is losing its fan base (particularly among young men)You can see the diminishing fan base in the graph at the right. The audience for a typical World Series game has shrunk by 29.6 million eyes from 1980 to today. Including the surprising stat that "More women age 50 and older watched the world series did men under 49".
     
     
     
    The largest financial gain for baseball is its lucrative tv contracts which will soon come under threat from increased demand for better productIt's no surprise that Sports are lucrative for broadcast networks to air (no one lines up to watch March Madness stunners on hulu the day after). So there are multiple millions if not billions in the offing when teams agree to broadcasting contracts. However the companies that own your local teams' broadcaster (Time Warner/Disney/Viacom/News Corps) are able to recoup the oodles they pay for baseball by making satellite and cable companies sell lower rated channels like Disney XD along with ESPN or FUEL Tv alongside Fox Sports North. Of course the satellite and cable companies pass that cost on to consumers.
    But with the rise of on-line watching, Kotz argues, all viewers are increasingly likely to switch off the tv unless things change, and bills (which may soon top $200/month) drop. (Perhaps through an anti-trust suit from Viacom which seeks to eliminate the channel-bundling and sell channels to consumers individually.)
     
     
     
    If the cable contracts change, the tv contract bubble will burst, competitive imbalance will become entrenched and the few remaining fans will have to pay exorbitant prices in order to ever see a winner again.This is the core of Kotz's case. If you can buy individual channels, those who want family fare (like Disney Channel) but not sports will spurn the extra cost on their cable bill and, as he sees it: "aseball's welfare payments from non-fans will corrode. And with an audience in decline, remaining subscribers will be forced to spend that much more to compensate." Thereby leaving poor teams like the Twins charging fans more both at the turnstiles and on the cable bill to make money, hire players and win games.
     
     
     
     

    This is an argument. But as I see it, it has a couple of clear flaws too.
     

    Baseball is rife with parityThis would be Jayson Stark's turf, so I won't really get into this too much, I'll just to trot out perhaps the best stat of all: 12/32 NFL teams have won a Super Bowl in the last 25 years, by contrast 16/30 MLB teams have won a World Series over the same time span...yup, you've got no chance if you aren't the Yankees
     
     
     
    Baseball's fan base cannot be judged by World Series ratings[TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://media.citypages.com/8664387.0.jpg[/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]True, but irrelevant. Credit: CityPages[/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    To be sure, baseball's World Series' ratings are embarrassing. But they are less embarrassing when you consider how baseball does in other venues.
    News reports point out that daily viewership of local teams is fairly constant within most media markets. Take the Tigers: they get about 168,000 people tuning in to tv each day, plus 199,700 people tuning into the radio, that'll be 367,7000 people tuning in each week...just within Detroit. (The Lions draw from a national audience to try to match that in one day).
    On top of that, you should consider the fact that baseball's long season enables a near constant conversation about the games on social media and the internet. "Detroit Tigers Blogs" kick out 40 million hits on google, "Detroit Lions Blogs" kick out about 24 million hits. (Heck the Twins even crush the Vikings (about 22 million to 19 million...AND THE TWINS STUNK WHILE THE VIKINGS MADE THE PLAYOFFS)
    The truth is that, while national ratings are down, local interest is up. Would it be nice to see the World Series return to its bygone glory? Yes it would. But do woeful World Series ratings mean baseball is doomed? Absolutely not.
     
     
     
    Lucrative tv contracts are undoubtedly valuable, but are not the only factor in making a team competitiveNaturally local markets can pay more if they have more subscribers (Angels and Yankees broadcasting contracts are going to pour more money into the teams they're paying than local broadcasters in say, Oakland and Tampa Bay).
    Nevertheless, as the last decade worth of parity (see point 1) has made clear, you don't have to be swimming in tv contract cash in order to make your team competitive (witness the success of the A's and the Angels, or the Rays and Yankees). Teams have found ways to succeed without money before, and they'll seek ways to succeed without them now.
     
     
     
    Who says that this is what will happen if the cable contracts change?
    Here's the biggest problem I have with Kotz's article and the City Pages' fear mongering. They've given into what I tell my students is an "if...then fallacy". If one thing happens, then another will inevitably follow. You see it in presidential campaign ads (like... ).
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://media.citypages.com/8665427.87.jpg[/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Credit: City Pages[/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    But there's a problem with assuming that one action will invariably lead to atom bombs or war with moon nazis: there's no way to know whether or not this will really happen. Let's say Kotz is right and cable companies start offering the chance to buy channels individually rather than as a set. Why does that mean that customers will abandon sports channels rather than turning to them in greater numbers? (Personal example: the only non-network channels I watch are FSN, ESPN and Comedy Central anyway...so I'm in regardless; my younger brother can't afford cable, but if he could get the sports channels he wanted without paying hundreds of bucks for sports AND SoapNet/E!, he'd do it in a heart beat).
    Or, if you prefer, if cable contracts change AND sports channels are abandoned, why does that mean that teams will be forced to charge regular fans more? Why won't it lead to a greater degree of fiscal restraint? The fall out from A-Rod's mammoth contract (and subsequent crapitude) has already largely flattened player's prices. Moreover, with 15 years of solid labor agreements behind them, the union has a good sense of what they can/should expect from management. If they know finances are getting crunched, they'll have to accept that and the lower salaries that come along with it.
    However you slice it, there's just no guarantee that the so-called "Fiscal Cliff" is nearly as dire as Kotz and the City Pages make it seem.
     
     
     

    There are problems with baseball. It's naive to argue otherwise. But should we really be bracing ourselves for a financial disaster that will doom us to decades of overpaying for the foreseeable future? Probably not.
     
     
    I can see why the City Pages published the article ('tis the season, after all), but there's just no need to make a 125 year old institution that has weathered recessions, depressions and wars that minimized their workforce seem like it's going to be doomed because of a cable company's law suit? That's just silly.
  11. PeanutsFromHeaven
    Welcome to Opening Day! Before we begin we have a SUPER SPECIAL NEW FEATURE!!! If you don't know who to cheer for, we can help with that. Just check out a link to our "Find your Favorite" Feature and answer a few questions to help match you with a current Twin.
    We should also welcome the latest addition to our Peanuts From Heaven Hall of Fame: Jim Thome!


    http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-mx1BkSnV68Q/UVjKwl7Zc0I/AAAAAAAACI4/Rzh5_l-W-uE/s400/JimboHOF.jpg
    Thome crossed the 75% threshold just ahead of other candidates Joe Nathan and Denard Span who will be back for next years ballots (alongside Messrs Young, Pavano,
    Crain, Liriano, Nishioka, Baker, Revere and Casilla while Slowey, Hughes, Marquis, Capps and [surprisingly] Jason Kubel will be off the ballot.)

    Now for the big stuff. As the season kicks off in earnest today, it's my last chance to predict the outcome of the season and prognosticate with the best of them (which is to say all the other people who will be proved wrong in six months). Just to k

    eep some consistency with other (smarter) bloggers I'll use some of their terms for things
    Twins' record: 70-92


    http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-GqYERUbn_l0/SrKKL0l7qUI/AAAAAAAABRI/3sIhk9B6IGg/s1600/Brawny+Morneau.jpg
    Harmon Killebrew Award (Team MVP)--Justin Morneau


    I'm going to go with the medias favorite definition of an MVP: how good would the team be without them? Morneau has looked consistently better as he becomes increasingly removed from his concussion, I'll guess that he plays well enough to help keep the Twins about 3-5 games below .500 until a June trade leads him to a healthy pennant race for the first time since 2008 (remember his issues kept him off the field in '09 and '10), meanwhile the Twins will drop off with out him, to about 10 games below .500, proving that he is indeed valuable.




    Johan Santana Award (Team Pitcher of the Year)--Glen Perkins


    With Scott Diamond out for the first month and other pitchers looking shaky, I'll take the cheap way out and give it to the best pitcher on the roster...even if he only gets to pitch twice-a-week. Perkins has played better and better since coming back from his injury/snit in 2010, besides at least one St. Paul product needs some love.




    Rod Carew Award (Rookie of the Year)--Aaron Hicks


    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_74rxwcNBKQ/UUkasIXqzcI/AAAAAAAACIU/egClCMdtGK8/s200/Dedudebro.jpg
    [/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Who wants some JAG?!
    [/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    While we'll likely see a veritable flotilla of starting pitchers make their way into the rotation and different points this year, I can't see any of them having a stand-out or noticeable year. While I don't think that Hicks will be with the big club all year long, I do think that his play will be the best of all the rookies and show considerable promise for the future.


    And finally, our own special Peanuty-Award:


    Carlos Gomez Award (Most Entertaining Player)--Samuel Deduno
    This isn't for playing well, this is just for playing in a way that excites, entertains and--most of all--amuses us. I think that title will go to the often erratic and always effusive pitcher who throws just well enough to make you think that maybe, this time, he won't break your heart, and then he does.... Rest assured, we'll be amused as bloggers, even if (as fans) we won't be.
     

    Postseason Predictions (*Wild Cards)
    AL: Angels, Tigers, Jays, *Rays, *A's; Rays > A's; Rays >Angels; Tigers > Jays; Tigers > Rays
    NL: Giants, Reds, Nats, *Braves, *Brewers; Braves > Brewers; Reds > Braves; Nats > Giants; Reds > Giants

    World Series: Tigers beat the Reds in 5
    But since logical predictions are always wrong I'll say it actually becomes
    Indians beat the Diamondbacks in 6.
    (America watches the Here Comes Honey Booboo/Dance Moms cross-over instead)
     
    Now let's shut up and watch some baseball! (Then talk some more...because baseball's back!!)


  12. PeanutsFromHeaven
    It's our final Get To Know 'Em post this Spring and we're delighted to send it off in style with two rising talents in the Twins ranks. (And for those who have hated these posts, don't worry...they're done...for now)

    Meet Chris Parmelee! (Right Fielder/First Baseman)


    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-jMaXCeYbXzU/STxicN4O5XI/AAAAAAAAA-M/OhpxprjM0V0/s200/Boras.jpg
    [/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Scott Boras at home
    [/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    Player's Background: In the minor leagues Parmelee has been a steady presence at first base, hitting for some solid power numbers and earning raves from serious Twins fans who seem him as the heir apparent to incumbent first baseman Justin Morneau.
    Alternate Background: Chris Parmelee is in fact the future, and I'm sure his agent (Scott Boras) will tell you that. In an effort to increase Parmelee's profile in the wake of Morneau's consistently popular "bench pressing with bears" McDonald's commercials, Boras has gotten Parmelee his own line of cheese! Yes, Chris Parmelee's Parmesean will soon be available at all fictional grocery stores, super markets and fromageries.


    http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-sIUWcprDKQQ/UUkeZ2niFLI/AAAAAAAACIg/yDgzVrig9ew/s320/ChrisParm.jpg
    Positive Cheers: Behold the power of cheese! Chrissy-Chrissy-Parm-Parm!
    Less-than Positive Cheers: Well, at least he got his calcium today.

    Meet Liam Hendricks! (Pitcher)


    Player's Background: There are few more frustrating pitchers than Liam Hendricks. All the statistics say that he should be ready for the major leagues. All the mechanics and peripherals make it seem like he should be ready for the major leagues. And yet he's a paltry 1-10 in the majors with a plus 6 ERA. Still...he has an arm so...
    Alternate Background: The promising Righty from Perth is often lauded as one of Australia's top baseball products, and with good cause: he's as Aussie as a rugger singing Waltzing Maltida after eight pints of Fosters. So though his technique in American athletics might be a little less orthodox, he might be as powerful and important an Australian import as Mel Gibson, Russell Crowe or...okay, just Crocodile Dundee, or as we will now refer to him: Crocodile Hendree!


    http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-c3wor_vMSaU/UUkeZ2yzzII/AAAAAAAACIc/i4_aqx2SbvA/s320/CrocodileHendri.jpg
    Positive Cheers: That's not a fastball...this is a fastball! He'll lay you flat out like a lizard drinkin!
    Less-than Positive Cheers: Don't worry Liam, you had a rough outing...we'll refrain from gently mocking your beloved homeland and not even mention the words "shrimp" "barbi" "dingo" or "baby"
  13. PeanutsFromHeaven
    As we near the end of our introduction to the new and improved Minnesota Twins we consider a few players who might not be around as much as we in the "let's-have-fun-and-laugh-a-little-at-the-Twins" crowd might like.

    Meet Jamey Carroll! (Infielder)


    Player's Background: Jamey Carroll is many things, a scrappy infielder (hey, where have we heard that before?), a clubhouse leader, the last surviving Expo. Above all he is a journeyman utility player who can (and does) play third base, short stop or second base whenever he is asked. He also attempts to hit which is adorable.
    Alternate Background: As first observed by my younger brother: "Jamey Carroll" sounds like it should be the name of a Country Music superstar. The more you think about it, the more the idea sticks in your head and the awful song titles come to mind. That's the power of Jamey Carroll, pure professionalism on the field, pure party off of it!


    http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-1PKkylsk6qU/UUkasV-f_tI/AAAAAAAACIQ/J3jfk5-8gko/s320/CountryStar.jpg
    Positive Cheers: Come up with your own smash hit Jamey Carroll singles like: "Momma's Don't Let Your Babies Grow up to be Middle Relievers!" "Saddle up my Stirrups Gardy, I'm Running the Bases Tonight!"
    Less-than Positive Cheers: Come up with your own Truck Stop Discount bin Jamey Carroll singles like: "How can I Miss the First Baseman, If He Doesn't Go Away?" "I Only Strike Out on Days that End with Y"

    Meet Samuel Deduno! (Pitcher)


    Player's Background: Samuel Deduno was an unsigned free-agent in 2003, then a workman minor leaguer until his first cup of coffee with the Rockies in 2010. He remained wildly inconsistent (and at times just wild) in brief stints with the Rockies and Padres before the Twins signed him where he has made some wildly inconsistent (and at times just wild) starts. Some fine pitching for the Dominican Republic has some people curious about Deduno's promise...even if it is...well, wild.
    Alternate Background: Samuel Deduno is to playing baseball, what dull DudeBros are to your local watering hole. They both turn up out of nowhere, they swagger like they own the place, they seem like the worst possible choice you can make, and yet they keep on getting picked (by the manager in Deduno's case and by girls in the DudeBros' case). Naturally this can lead to only one creation: Samuel De-DudeBro!


    http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_74rxwcNBKQ/UUkasIXqzcI/AAAAAAAACIM/O7nYOCqUcHc/s320/Dedudebro.jpg
    Positive Cheers: DUDE!! BRO!!!
    Less-than Positive Cheers: Dude. Bro.
  14. PeanutsFromHeaven
    This is the start of a new series available at Peanuts from Heaven! and our partnered site at Twins Daily.
     
    While many of the people who check out this website are serious seam-heads, committed to knowing the depth charts from Minnesota through Elizabethton, not everyone knows that much...so in an effort to get new fans committed we offer a quirkier look at the local 9. These are not "your Minnesota Twins," they aren't the guys who run out on to the field to the strains of "We're Gonna Win Twins. Instead they are "our Minnesota Twins" the quirky, imaginary, alternate identities cooked up by Stinky, Smelly (and sometimes our family members). Basically they are the (hopefully) intentionally funny versions of the team that we watch and love day in and day out. We'll chronicle their success and their failures because, well, that's what we do. If you'd rather read about OPSes and ERA+, a few clicks on this site will give you all that, but if you'd rather read about the best baseball efforts of pirates, disco dancers, satyrs, puffy-pants wearers and bionic men...well..that's where we come in.
    We'll introduce you to the most prominent Twins (not named Mauer/Morneau) in the most Minnesotan way we know how: by providing you facts (player's background), fiction (the alternate background we used to dream up the photoshop), fandom (ways to cheer for them) and flattery (less positive cheers, aka Minnesota "Nice" comments)
    Let's get started!

    Meet Josh Willingham! (Left Fielder)


    Player's Background: You might remember Josh Willingham from such things as "not being Michael Cuddyer" and "actually hitting home runs"! Willingham came to the Twins from Oakland in 2012 and endeared himself to casual and serious fans by playing baseball well.


    http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-YlUCvjyrGtc/UUZ5KDMR4CI/AAAAAAAACG4/yoENdVF5ko8/s320/Willinghammer.jpg
    Alternate Background: With his sudden appearance offering a jolt of offense to an otherwise stagnant line-up (and the fact that his name includes "ham" in it) it's easy to picture Josh Willingham as our very own low budget version of Thor: The WillingHAMMER! Besides, he's got a bit of a Norse look going for him anyway, and I've yet to see proof that Thor never wore eye black.
    Positive Cheers: Send it to Aasgard! By the power of Mjolnir!! Please don't sue us Stan Lee!!
    Less-Positive Cheers: Drat you Ice Giants!! Is your head up your Aasgard?! Thou art poopy!!

    Meet Glen Perkins! (Closer)


    Player's Background: Once upon a time, Glen Perkins was a kid from Stillwater who became an ace starter for the home town 9 (he racked up an impressive 12-4 record in the improbable 2008 season). Then there were some arm issues, some cranky recriminations from both him and the Twins about rehabbing, but once he transitioned over to the bullpen, he was a fan-favorite once more.
     
     
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    [TD=align: center]http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-PePAwiGjPo4/SS7nrwbfrnI/AAAAAAAAA9c/A0ds7AqGVzo/s200/Cap%2527n+Joe+Nathan.jpg
    [/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]The original Dread Pirate Nathan
    [/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    Alternate Background: Once upon a time, Glen Perkins was a kid from Stillwater who set out to seek his fortune in baseball. However he ran afoul of the Dread Pirate Joe Nathan, who never left captives or batters alive. Yet Dread Pirate Joe Nathan took pity on Glen Perkins and allowed him to be a valet (though he always promised to kill him in the morning). Then the Dread Pirate Nathan grew so rich that he wanted to retire (and live like a king in Patagonia...or Texas..which is near Patagonia I think), so he ceded his powers to Glen Perkins...but since "The Dread Pirate Perkins" sounds like a very lame attempt to hipster up a family restaurant he has kept the "Dread Pirate Nathan" name and mannerisms.
     



    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container, align: center]


    http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-RO57DEbskwI/UUZ5KHyLsUI/AAAAAAAACG0/GP0PJVQ9NUk/s320/DreadPiratePerkins.jpg


    [TD=class: tr-caption]The new Dread Pirate Nathan
    [/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    Positive Cheers: YARR! AVAST!! BLARGERAGERAGH!!!
     
     
    Less-Positive Cheers: Shoot, I could have sworn that Blown Saves of Unusual Size didn't exist! Don't worry everyone he's only mostly dead! BLAGERAGHERAGH!
     
     
     
     
    Keep tuning in to Peanuts From Heaven for more of OUR Minnesota Twins!
  15. PeanutsFromHeaven
    The Twins season begins in less than 1 week! And yet there are still more players to meet as we continue to get to know our versions of the major league roster.

    Meet Brian Dozier! (Second Baseman/Infielder)


    Player's Background: A small, scrappy infielder out of Mississippi, Brian Dozier earned the attention of Twin scouts at the University of Southern Mississippi (presumably because the same year he was drafted Brett Favre [another Southern Miss grad] was working out in Hattiesburg). After just three years in the minors (a very swift ascension by Twins standards) he was given a shot to play at short stop, and struggled after some early success. Now, like many Twins infield prospects of the past, he will move from short stop to second base because c'mon-it-has-to-work-sometime-doesn't-it?
    Alternate Background: While attending Itawamba Agricultural High School (seriously...that's his high school) Brian was grazed by a radioactive piece of farm equipment that allowed him to morph into any piece of heavy machinery he wanted. Since that superpower kind of stinks and Dozier thought he might turn into a power hitter some day he chose to become the mighty BRIAN-DOZER! Unfortunately, he never did become a power hitter but remained an adorable, lovable, scrappy middle-infielder. So his brief displays of power are coupled with the tendency to demolish things, like tailor-made double play balls. But hey, if he can ever harness his power for good rather than destruction...WOO!


    http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-qgQNCN1gq50/UUkWnpa0vwI/AAAAAAAACH8/ae81VD_yLGA/s320/BrianDozer.jpg
    Positive Cheers: Demolish it Dozer/Dozier!
    Less-than Positive Cheers: Don't make us trade you for a Tonka truck!

    Meet Mike Pelfry! (Pitcher)


    Player's Background: A highly touted college prospect form Wichita State, Pelfry leapt to the major leagues shortly after being drafted by the New York Mets. He has been frequently inconsistent throughout his career with flashes of brilliance (complete games, 10-1 stretches) and incompetence (a +5.00 ERA and leading the majors in balks), so when he required Tommy John surgery the Mets were fine with let the high priced 29 year old walk.
    Alternate Background: The successful elbow surgery has made Pelfry a candidate for the Twins' rotation this year, much to the delight of his agent/mad-genius: Scott Boras. In Pelfry, Boras has the perfect test subject for his latest attempt to sucker the baseball establishment--slowly replacing human parts with robotic ones! After all if he can assemble a roster of Bionic Men he could get at least 6-million dollars for each of them (right Steve Austin?) Thus begins the creation of Mike Pelfry: Bionic Man!


    http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-jPXBk3FFl0c/UUkWnooVmzI/AAAAAAAACIA/JQfV5PfgNR0/s1600/BionicPelf.jpg
    Positive Cheers: Na-na-na-na-na-na....na-na-na-na-na-na-na....; BETTER, FASTER, STRONGER!
    Less-than Positive Cheers: Do you need some WD-40? Nyyyeah-nyyyeah-nya-nyyeah-nyyyyeeeeaaaahhh!!
  16. PeanutsFromHeaven
    It's your last chance to cruise over to our original site and vote for the PFH Hall of Fame: honoring the funnest Twins players in the history of our blogging.
     
    We're a week into getting to know OUR versions of the Minnesota Twins. And while there's plenty to cheer for already, there are others we have yet to meet...so here we go!

    Meet Trevor Plouffe! (Third Baseman/Infielder)


    Player's Background: Drafted in 2004, Plouffe's rise to prominence has been a whole lot more "mediocre" than "meteoric". After six years in the minors he debuted with mixed results in 2010 and continued to yo-yo between the majors and AAA until last year, when a power surge boosted him to starter status and cemented him at third base...at least until injury and inconsistency dislodge him again
    Alternate Background: As a child of the 80s and 90s Plouffe (like many blog-savvy young Twins fans) knows a thing or two about classic hip-hop, and (as first spotted by Diamond Centric) his last name can work perfectly in awkward puns based on popular songs from that era. Meaning that no matter how he plays on a given day there's a photoshop to suit it.


    http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-zY1QialCYbQ/UUkPnoLgOsI/AAAAAAAACHw/xwh2vaLIPHc/s320/GoodPlouffe-BadPlouffe.jpg
    Positive Cheers: Yeah Plouffe Daddy! Yeah Plouffe Diddy! Plouffe there it is!
    Less-than Positive Cheers: Plouffe let the dogs out, GET HIM!! You can't hit in Hammer's old Plouffe-y pants!!

    Meet Kevin Corriea! (Starting Pitcher)


    Player's Background: Unlike Plouffe, Corriea [pronounced Ko-ray-uh...not Ko-ree-uh as my kimchi loving self would prefer] had a swift ascent to the majors, debuting with the Giants a year after they drafted him (in 2003). Ten years and three teams later, Correia has some fine accomplishments (60 wins, 712 strikeouts, 1 All-Star team) and a brand new two year $10 million contract.
    Alternate Background: Kevin Corriea ruined everything. Kevin Correia is responsible for the sequester, the continued reign of Bashar al-Asad in Syria, and the horrific 9th season of The Office. Signing Kevin Corriea has doomed not only the Twins' season but all Minnesota sports EVER. Which means, he's doing a bang up job because while Kevin Correia might have been signed to be a pitcher, what Kevin Corriea has become is: THE OFFICIAL TWINS' SCAPEGOAT FOR 2013! So take a bow Kevin, gnaw on a can, and know that (like Matt Capps before you) we'll love you just as long as we can blame you! ($10 million ought to ease that pain, right?)


    http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-iozSigXzsU4/UUkPnjPXzmI/AAAAAAAACHs/z8sqLQQDxrk/s320/Scapegoat
    Positive Cheers: Way to ruin everything! Thank goodness it's all your fault!
    Less-than Positive Cheers: Easy Kevin, easy, don't get too successful or we'll have to reevaluate our blind hatred of you!
  17. PeanutsFromHeaven
    As always this post can be seen in it's more easily formatted glory at our original site (where you can vote for a Twins player to go into our "Hall of Fame"...which given the calibre of my writing is a rather dubious honor)
     
    It's time continue our introductions to this year's Minnesota Twins...if you're just joining us: we're here to answer that increasingly common question on Twins' fans (chapped) lips: "who the heck is that guy?" And we'll do it in the most Minnesotan way we know how: by providing you facts (player's background), fiction (the alternate background we used to dream up the photoshop), fandom (ways to cheer for them) and flattery (less positive cheers, aka Minnesota "Nice" comments)
    Let's get started!

    Meet Darin Mastroianni! (Outfielder)


    Player's Background: A little regarded prospect, Mastroianni was picked up by the Blue Jays in the 16th round of 2007 draft and proved surprisingly adept at the game, by passing other higher rated prospects to break through with the Jays in 2011. Because Toronto went all batty for Jose Batista (and his whole "I hit a lot of home runs" thing, Mastoianni and his "I-get-the-occasional-slap-single-and-always-hustle" thing were expendable. But since that skill set is worth a mint in Minnesota, Mastroianni made his way to the land of 10,000 lakes
    Alternate Background: Terry Ryan sent scouts to explore distant, hitherto unknown minor leagues. One scout walked through an old wardrobe into the frigid northern climes of Canardia (where it probably still snows in March or something). There he found a center fielder who was half-man, half-goat. "Wow!" thought the scout "I bet he has tremendous range in the outfield, and if he can just get a few slap singles and always hustle he could be our starting center fielder!" And so the scout lured the satyr out of the wardrobe and into the Twins line-up. (Seriously though...look at that beard, he's Mr. Tumnus' Italian cousin)


    http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Y0GRkD39IMg/UUkCozm6ceI/AAAAAAAACHc/Y3pzr88SwyU/s320/DarrinTumnus.jpg
    Positive Cheers: Go-Go-Goat Boy! They call him, MR. Tumnus!
    Less-than Positive Cheers: Cut back on the Turkish Delight next time! Find a more contemporary children's fantasy novel to rip off! (oops, that's directed at me)

    Meet Vance Worley! (Starting Pitcher)


    Player's Background: A life-long Californian Worley rose to prominence with the Philadelphia Phillies, when he started the 2011 season behind the four horsemen of Roy Halladay, Cliff Lee, Cole Hamels and Roy Oswalt. A great rookie season seemed a promising start, but arm injuries and a sophomore slump hurt his stock. Still at just 25 years old, Worley is a promising starter to add to a god-awful...decrepit...less-than excellent Twins rotation (even if he cost us Ben Revere).
    Alternate Background: Nicknamed "Vanimal" for his mohawk and rugged demeanor by Phillies phans (everything's spelled with a ph out there); we have no choice but to co-opt that nickname and complicate it by adding in a muppet...because everything is always better with a muppet! (Note that instead of Animal's [all rights reserved] catchphrase: "BEAT DRUMS!" the Vanimal simply says: "NEED RUNS!" [which can mean either he needs runs to support his fine pitching, or he needs to give up as many runs as possible because he's on some kind of bad trip])


    http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-nuTC_itwa5M/UUkCowhEIhI/AAAAAAAACHg/Tl7BBAD_iCs/s320/Vanimal.jpg
    Positive Cheers: VANIMAL NEED RUNS!!
    Less-than Positive Cheers: VANIMAL NEED RUNS!!
  18. PeanutsFromHeaven
    Continuing our series that aims to answer the question "who the heck is that guy?" [both here and on our other blog]: we're here to tell you about prominent Twins, and we'll do it in the most Minnesotan way we know how: by providing you facts (player's background), fiction (the alternate background we used to dream up the photoshop), fandom (ways to cheer for them) and flattery (less positive cheers, aka Minnesota "Nice" comments)
    Let's get started!

    Meet Ryan Doumit! (Back Up Catcher/DH)


    Player's Background: After several years of productive and unheralded play, Ryan Doumit left Pittsburgh to come to Minnesota (which really wasn't going to help with the heralding part of things but...anyhoo). Doumit was so effective with a bat in his hands that the Twins gave him an extended contract in the middle of the season, just to keep him around...maybe.
    Alternate Background: Ryan Doumit likes baseball. He also likes leaving the first few buttons on his jersey undone. Perhaps it's his style, or perhaps he's trying to keep the ogling fans happy. One way or another his immodest buttoning makes him seem less like Ryan Doumit professional ball-player and more like "Ryan Suuuuaaaave!" professional model.


    http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-xOkp66w5UoA/UUZ-vXeBzVI/AAAAAAAACHM/Qrhl_gWkKMo/s1600/Ryan+Suave.jpg
    Positive Cheers: (In the style of Gerrado's famous song) Ry-an! Suuuuuaaaa-ve!
    Less-than Positive Cheers: Um...Ryan...would mind...buttoning up, it makes the rest of us self conscious.

    Meet Brian Duensing! (Left Handed Reliever)


    Player's Background: Coming out of the University of Nebraska, Brian Duensing was hardly the most impressive Husker pitcher, especially given that his fellow hurler Joba Chamberlain ate most of the other pitchers in Lincoln. Yet Duensing survived and made it to the majors where he found improbable success. Improbable enough to make him the game 1 starter against the Yankees in the 2009 playoffs (and to get him a start in the 2010 playoffs too)...he lost both times and now is a relief pitcher.
    Alternate Background: Brian Duensing was born on the day that disco died and he took it upon himself to make sure that it never actually died. Since his name can be pronounced in close approximation of "dancing" the puns (and ugly photoshops) are seemingly endless!


    http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-C83eo0aqaoY/UUZ-vejCmRI/AAAAAAAACHE/V3m2GHxEfec/s320/DiscoDuensing.jpg
    Positive Cheers: You make me feel like Duensing! (I want to Duense the night away!) Duense, Duense, Revolution!
    Less-than Positive Cheers: Don't make us turn Target Field into the small town from Footloose! Disco Sucks!
  19. PeanutsFromHeaven
    I know you love the Twins brother, it's just...--My little brother, January 2013.
    For her birthday, I took Stinky, aka Mrs. Peanut, aka the co-founder of this blog, aka my wife, to Chicago to see her sister and a whole pile of friends. We had a great time, trying great restaurants, escaping "bro-bars" and celebrating the fact that she has continued to cheat death for another year.
    My wife's sister lives about a mile down the road from Wrigley Field, and even an American League man like myself snuck peeks down the side streets to admire the classic stone facade, the old flags flapping in the chilly February breeze and dream of the day (soon) when baseball would be back.
    The neighborhood had a whole lot of Cubbie paraphernalia, not to mention bars, souvenir shops, bars, bookstores brimming with Cub memoirs, and bars to cater to the wide flung crowds of fans who--though currently hibernating--love to come out in the summer. And while I looked down the way to dream of spring, all those souls bundled up in their puffy blue and red coats seemed resigned to both the cold and the looming presence of another year and another pack of losses.
    I don't know, I feel like all my favorites are gone. What team am I even rooting for anymore?--My wife, December 2012.
    The Twins are not the Cubs...well...not yet anyway. Sure it's been 22 years since our last World Series/American League Championship season, but we've got nothing on the Cub's suffering through bad luck or incompetence. Still, for the first time in a while, wearing the interlocked "TC" feels like a sign that I'm committed to a team that's bound for disappointment.
    It's been easy to ignore the Twins this winter, and most national news outlets have. After swiftly swapping out center-fielders for pitching prospects, we were relegated to the "other notes" sections of sports pages. The junk drawer of the "Transactions" column where the Mike Pelfry/Rich Harden/Rafael Perez contracts of the world land, next to mutant paperclips and quaint sticky notes.
    Most "experts" point to 2016 as our most logical date of contention, and even that date assumes that nothing will go wrong with player development or team finances. It'll be a time when most of the current roster is a distant memory. The current players to be guaranteed money for that year are Joe Mauer and Glen Perkins...everyone else might be there or might be dust in the wind.
    Until then, well, we still have some games to play. Some painful, painful games...
    Do you really still root for them?--A student on seeing the Twins game on my web browser during study hall September 2012
    Do we have a better outfield? No. Do we have a better infield? No. Do we have a better pitching staff? Maybe.
    Do we stand a chance against the Tigers? No. Do we stand a chance of getting a wild card? No. Do we stand a chance of even seeming competitive after the all-star break? Probably not.
     
    And yet, here we are, early March and I've got the itch again. I'm perusing Stub Hub for tickets to see the Twins play in Washington DC (as a chance to take my niece to her first big league ball game). I'm hoping that Bert Blyleven is doing some stealth scouting of Korean and Taiwanese players at the World Baseball Classic. I'm cogitating and considering the wisdom of various 40 man roster spots and all of this despite the fact that I know the Twins are bound for another difficult year.
    Maybe being a fan means being stupid. Maybe it means being inexplicably loyal to the point that your brother and your wife and even your 15-year-old students question your mental faculties. Maybe it means willfully enlisting for a struggle of a season simply because it seems like the right thing to do.
    During the aforementioned trip to Chicago, our birthday celebrations took us to a brunch spot (apparently a vital part of any weekend in Chicago). Unfortunately our chosen restaurant had to close due to sudden pipe damage, and on our way out the hostess stopped me.
    "Excuse me," she said, "are you a Twins fan?"
    While I normally try to keep a low fan profile in rival towns, the fuzzy hat and embroidered gloves made denying the truth impossible. "Yes," I replied, "yes I am."
    "Oh my god! ME TOO!" She said with relish, "I don't usually see other Twins fans. I'm so excited for this year! I mean, I know it's going to be rough, but that's what makes us fans right?"
    Yes, my fellow fanatic, it will be rough. So rough that in order to a win a bet with my wife and father-in-law, I'm banking on the Twins to lose between 88 and 92 games....and I'm the optimistic one!
    But this is what makes us fans. The ability to find excitement and intrigue even in the most desolate seasons, even when family and friends question your sanity, even when it just does not make sense, that's what makes a fan. So yes, it will be rough, but that is what makes us fans.
    Just ask the Cubs.
  20. PeanutsFromHeaven
    You can vote for the "Hall of Fame" discussed in this blog (and see this post with all kinds of other goofy photoshops) on our main blogger page.
     
    After the debacle of the Hall of Fame's "non-election" and last weekend's Academy Awards, there is but one honor left to bestow before the baseball season begins: the Peanuts From Heaven Hall of Fame! Yes, we still offer induction to all those who make the game fun to watch (even if they weren't exactly "good" at "playing the game of baseball").
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container, align: center]


    http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-QQ9YxfMbzyo/SWorUThc-RI/AAAAAAAABAc/3XBZFYcPXEQ/s320/Bert+Hall.jpg

    [TD=class: tr-caption]We got there before you BBWAA[/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    But what do possible inductees have to offer you? After all, bribery is as much a part of our electoral system as the whole electoral thing. Hall of Fame candidates can promise to actually listen to sportswriters for a change, and Oscar candidates plump for their campaigns through all manner of swag. So what exactly do our candidates have to offer you?
    Jim Thome
    One vote will net you a serving of mashed taters, one of several hundreds of home run balls and a small sample of his new cologne "L'eau du Smokey"
    Joe Nathan
    One vote will earn you a patch of scruffy beard, a hearty "Yarrr!", and a gold dubloon (warning: dubloon may be cursed)
    http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-E4OwIVD6qhU/SQsnib9HxGI/AAAAAAAAA8c/sFOzi5WQv3I/s200/MOS.jpgDelmon Young
    Delmon would love your vote, so much so he's willing to offer a plush stuffed Siberian tiger and 6 hours of community service...you're cool with having some of that, right?
    Kevin Slowey
    Things are a little tight for Kevin right now, but he does have a penny and slightly squashed skittle for anyone who votes for him.
    Jason Kubel
    Now embedded in Arizona, Jason Kubel can happily offer all those who vote for him a Grand Canyon key chain, his new self-help book: "Smirking and You" and free racial profiling to everyone who pays him a visit.
    Jesse Crain
    The ubermensch, our once great middle reliever/Nietsche spouting philosopher in residence offers you only the black abyss of unanswerable human quandries. Plus a 20% off coupon to TrueBerry.
    Luke Hughes
    Can offer you a large supply of marmite...wait...don't go! There's more!!
    Jason Marquis
    Despite Jason's meager four week term with the Twins, he's still a candidate. He can offer a wig and a sense of emptiness.
    Francisco Liriano
    Despite his injury plagued offseason (and regular season...and previous offseason....and several other regular seasons), Liriano is a prime candidate for the Peanuts Hall of Fame. And because of his injury plagued offseason (and regular season...and previous offseason....and several other regular seasons), he can offer to bribe you with any one of a dozen different ligaments and game-chewed gum!
    Tsuyoshi Nishioka
    Tsuyoshi Nishioka has already offered his bribe...it was his leaving, you're welcome.
    Matt Capps
    Vote for Matt Capps and receive one of the several dozens of homeruns he yielded in close games over the last three years. You will also receive a small smattering of the bazillion boos he faced at all times over the last three years.
    Carl Pavano
    Carl's swag bag includes surplus fake mustaches...obviously.
    Scott Baker
    The longest tenured Twin to say goodbye this offseason is extremely grateful for all your love and support. In honor of this he will acknowledge the existence of "nutty" from the infamous bat-girl posts and allow you to hang with the greatest support of all...


    http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Pi4Ru_BoWZs/Sr7nWVUSu0I/AAAAAAAABRg/MIKCDJM801c/s1600/Denard%2527s.jpg
    Denard Span
    As ever you can Save Big Money with a vote for Denard S.! Receive high quality LED bulbs and valuable seeding mulch as well as coupons a plenty!
    Ben Revere
    Since smiles are not tangible, Ben Revere will honor your vote by dedicating five Web Gems to each person who votes for him.
    Alexei Casilla
    Would offer you things, but he's pretty sure he hasn't played for the Twins since 2010...
    Remember you're voting for players who helped you have fun watching the game...it's easier than trying to discern greatness. 75% gets you induction 10% gets you another year on the ballot.
  21. PeanutsFromHeaven

    Gamblin' Man

    By PeanutsFromHeaven,

    I have fun at Terry Ryan's expense. (Sorry big guy, it's just too easy.) I photo shop him in all kinds of compromising outfits like say...this one!


    http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-S3j56Grc8-w/T-3Cqyhoa7I/AAAAAAAACCM/lghegrG918Y/s320/LMD3.jpg
    While this seems bad, plenty of people are frustrated enough with Terry's attitude to this off season to do far worse than photoshop him onto a Dutch breakdancer's body. Just what did he do?
    Well, he seems to have taken an already suspect pitching staff and filled it up with even more questionable characters including: a pitcher with two years experience who just had elbow surgery, a journeyman pitcher who hasn't had a positive WAR in 3 years, and another fading prospect who lost almost all of last year due to Tommy John Surgery surgery. The greatest ray of hope is that we may be the last best hope for a left-hander from a playoff team (whose best season was 5 years back).
    There are other complaints from other quarters: trading both Denard Span and Ben Revere, not upgrading the middle or corner infield, failing to buy us all ponies and cotton candy (okay that was just his granddaughter). But by and large the wrath is focused on the "upgrades" to the pitching staff.
    To many (if not most) it will seem like the team has simply forgone any effort to be competitive this season, looking to find names to fill out the line-up card rather than find top notch game changers. Instead of carefully selecting long-term investments (like Zack Grienke or Brandon McCarthy), Ryan has wagered the season on the vague hope that we could win the pitching lottery.
    But, as easy as it is to find fault with the GM's decisions, I don't spend a lot of time doubting or second guessing his moves for two main reasons:
     

    I doubt that venting my spleen all over the internet will change TR's decision making process in any way shape or form.
    I know enough about baseball to know that I don't know anything about baseball.

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    [TD=align: center]http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-4fsDedeUnoc/UPjA-Ux8-BI/AAAAAAAACFs/fvFz2bk7eGY/s200/Pitching+Lotto.jpg[/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Terry Ryan's winning numbers?[/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    I may be the first blogger--writing in a medium that requires sincere belief that other people think you know what you're talking about--to admit that I really don't know squat. And if you, gentle reader, are really honest about it, I'll bet you admit that you don't know either. We don't know who will succeed and who will fail. We don't know whether the pitchers we've signed will prove resilient or so utterly neurotic that they can't function. Every day has uncertainty, but few areas have as much as that most volatile part of baseball: starting pitching
    Sure, a long-term investment in a star pitcher sounds good, but while you might be netting CC Sabathia, you might also get disasters-in-waiting like Barry Zito or Mike Hampton.
    Sure, last-ditch, desperation contracts seem like a lottery ticket to nowhere, but while you will likely lose your money, you just might come up a winner with an RA Dickey or Ryan Vogelsong.
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    [TD=align: center]http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-7TlshsyqGiU/T3xXPCKpJvI/AAAAAAAAB-k/TgvaPOfdB5M/s200/Marquis+de+Marquis.jpg[/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]One of my last chances
    to post Marquis de Marquis[/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    Even within Terry Ryan's own history there's a legacy of lottery ticket wins and losses. How many people were jumping with joy for the acquisitions of Carlos Silva or Kenny Rogers? How many regret their optimism for Jason Marquis or Sidney Ponson?
    Creating a starting rotation is an awful lot like buying a lottery ticket. You take a guess and hope it works out. When it does (even if it's just getting $100 for landing 3 out of 5 or winning 75 games with a patchwork quilt of has-beens and never-will-bes) you have to figure out what to do with your winnings. If you're smart, you seek out some prudent investments (i.e. extend Joe Nathan; trade Boof Bonser for anything at all); if not you're just going to keep on buying lottery tickets until the end of time.
    I have no idea how this rotation will pan out. I have major doubts, to be sure (I sincerely doubt that Kevin Correia has a Cy Young season just waiting to happen), but I also know that my judgements aren't based on the same information, and knowledge that Terry Ryan and his team has. As much as I love the game, as much as I think I understand it, my knowledge and comprehension barely scratches the surface of those who cover it full time. That's not to say that the Twins' front office will always be right, just to say that I have no idea (right now) if they will be right or wrong.
    I like to think that I know more than that, but in reality I just don't.
    But I do know that Terry Ryan looks funny in that "Clog-Enthusiast/Construction-Worker" get-up.
  22. PeanutsFromHeaven
    (Like all my posts, this is also available at my personal blog: http://heavenlypeanuts.blogspot.com--where there's also space to vote on the Peanuts Hall of Fame...like the real one...only intentionally hilarious)
     
    This is one of my favorite times of the baseball year, which is odd because there's no games being played, no highlights to goggle over, no action to analyze.
    But there is the Hall of Fame, that marvelous institution/debate instigator that symbolizes so much and actually means very little. This is the time to think about the history of the game, the greatest players to walk on a diamond, and exactly how baseball still relates to our values personally and as a society. As a fan of baseball history and a chronic over thinker, this is perfect for me.
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://afisha.westsib.ru/i/action/117/11709.jpg[/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Seriously...it's a good book.[/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    In approaching the question of who I would vote for (which I don't and--barring a radical change in BBWAA rules never will--have), I decided to try a more logical, rational approach than the normal touchy-feely me is known for and than the great debate headquarters of Cooperstown, New York is used to. I thought, I'd fill out a ballot as an economist would...or even better, as a Freakonomicist would.
    Those who've read the books by Stephen Levitt (pride of St. Paul) and Stephen Dubner know that, to an economist's mind, voting is futile. Elections (especially national ones) are decided by thousands of votes not just one; however the more local your election (mayor, city councilor, school board) and the smaller the margin of error in polls, the more likely that your vote will matter.
    But civic elections are simple affairs--one winner, lots of losers.When it comes to the Hall of Fame there are really three kinds of winning: (1st) get 75% and get elected for enshrinement; (2nd) get more than 66% and apply enough peer pressure on voters to eventually get elected; (3rd) get more than 5% and stay on the ballot until you can boost yourself up for enshrinement.
    So, if you cast an economical ballot for the hall of fame, then you can break down your vote to those three categories. You vote for people who might or might not reach one of those three thresholds (and don't worry as much about people like Roger Clemens or Dale Murphy who won't make 75 or 66% but will easily top 5%. With that in mind, here's how I would vote (if I could):
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    [TD=align: center]http://mopupduty.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/Jack-Morris-218x300.jpg[/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Yup, I'm biased...[/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    1st--Guys to get over the top
    It's no sure thing that any one will be elected this year. But the two candidates deemed most likely to succeed also happen to be two people I think are quite deserving and would be proud to help put into the hallowed halls. Craig Biggio reached the rarified air of 3,000 hits while adapting to three different positions: Catcher, 2nd Base, and Center Field. He might not be the most eye catching candidate this year, but a vote for him gets tremendous bang for your buck. The same goes for Jack Morris, who may benefit from what some people call the "acehood fallacy", but also dosen't deserve to suffer for it. Sure that one great Game 7 may be the main reason he's inducted...but it was our game 7 so...he surely deserves a boost.
    3rd--Guys to save from elimination
    If you read other people's ballots, chances are that you see lots of star powered name hemming and equal amounts of "gee-I-wish-I-could-vote-for" hawing. Since less than 5% of the vote eliminates you from future consideration, and since many people are doubting the next three candidates, a vote for them helps to encourage debate about guys who need a little more consideration before their time runs out. Ergo, I'll vote for the eternally moving Kenny Lofton (best lead off man of the 90s), Edgar Martinez (best DH, possibly ever) and Larry Walker (best Rocky Mountain-based jack of all trades).
    Maybe they aren't surefire hall of famers, but they should be discussed more than once or twice, and voting for them helps keep them outside of the danger zone and on the ballot a little while longer.
    2nd--Guys to make people talk about
    For some reason, some voters (cou*knuckleheads*gh!) will only vote for players who've already been voted for by more than half the electorate. They're happy to vote guys in, provided their colleagues yell at them loudly enough. So, now that Jack Morris is being talked about (and perhaps inducted) we can move more guys up into the conversation (even if that conversation is fraught with ideological disputes of the rights and wrongs of drug use).
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    [TD=align: center]http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-GtiZWnty4IM/Tws0TWR2QiI/AAAAAAAAADo/tmxwG0tQ7bA/s200/Tim+Raines.jpg[/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Listen, Monsieur Hendersono...[/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    Start with two guys whose problem isn't drug use, but things beyond their control. So I'd vote for Lee Smith (whose mistake was being very good at a job that lots of people don't like--and whose exclusion is a little like not letting John Adams into your house party because you don't like politicians) and Tim Raines (whose mistake was not being named Ricky Henderson's non-union Canadian equivalent)
    Next, we'll start the steroid discussion by making people talk about good candidates whose only problem is being pilloried over a lot of hearsay and conjecture. Chances are voters will move first on good candidates who haven't been publicly identified as dirty-no-good cheaters--once we have consensus on them, we can move on to the more difficult headliners. So, I'll cast a vote for Jeff Bagwell and Mike Piazza.
    That's 9 votes already...but since it's make 9 get the 10th one free, I'll also toss on Barry Bonds, because he's another conversation worth having: one of the best players without the juice, (the best player allegedly with the juice), more multi-faceted than the other boppers (Messrs Palmeiro, Sosa, McGwire et al), less prone to "his career was fizzling" blame than his most high profile partner in (alleged) crime (Mr. Clemens). Barry's case is special, and probably won't be solved within the next 3, 5 or even 10 years...but once he hits 50-60% a few more will waver, and a few more, and a few more...and that's how consensus is reached.
    Now, of course, my perception of baseball's history, who the greatest players are, and what our values will make a difference to practically no one (save, maybe my wife [hi honey] and my mom [hi momma!]). And yet! What is this time of year for if not for imagining that writing up your convoluted thoughts about baseball somehow qualifies you to make sweeping assertions about the history of the game, the greatest players of all time and baseball's relationship to our values? What is this blog for, if not to give voice to my opinions, as part of the longest running debate in baseball? I'll make my assertions, and others will disagree, and all will be well in the world of baseball punditry.
    That's why I love this time of year: great debates, even on a tetchy topic.
    (Think I'm right? Think I'm wrong? Leave your thoughts in the comments below)
  23. PeanutsFromHeaven
    It's 2013, and that means that the Twins haven't lost a game yet this year!!
     
    Yes, enthusiasm has been in short supply for the past two seasons, with more than a few loyal supporters questioning their allegiances faster than the Malfoy family at the end of the Deathly Hallows.
    We peanuts have long been among the most sentimental of the blogging community. We sigh with memories of Johan and Torii (heck, we even mourned Boof Bonser and Brendan Harris). And as the Twins rebuilding project has begun to gain momentum more and more of the guys we cheered for when this blog began have left the franchise.
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    [TD=align: center]http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-sGxWr06qlM0/S4IId5LLQ0I/AAAAAAAABZw/1_qiSk4fRvI/s200/Carlos+Hall.jpg[/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]We give out plaques
    just for being fun...[/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    As always, we remember the players who've left us with a vote to induct them into the Peanuts from Heaven Hall of Fame (see the poll on our independent blog). We laud the players who might have been good, but were mostly fun to watch and made us love the game (hence the inductions of Nick Punto and Carlos Gomez). So look through the list, vote as often as you like, and remember that 75% gets you in, 10% keeps you on the ballot and anything less than that gets a spot in the Jim Hoey Memorial Garbage bin of the mind.
    But while reminiscences are satisfying to some, they really don't do much to address the present. As much as we peanuts love the by gone days of competitive, talented ball players whom we could photoshop in awkward ways, those days are over, and it does not do to dwell on dreams only to forget reality.
     
    About a month ago, right after the Ben Revere trade, I took Stinky (Mrs. Peanut to you) out for a nice Italian dinner date night. We commiserated about the dearth of lovable guys and the uncertainty of new players. As she said, "everyone who made me love this team is gone, and in their place are a bunch of people I'm not sure will be here in six months. I used to cheer because I loved the team and the guys who were part of it. Now, I cheer because they wear the same clothes that the guys I love used to wear."
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-f-SnF8SBTnY/ThzQSa6ekKI/AAAAAAAAB5w/Rrqp_6Zo7rs/s200/263960_609599401155_40400007_33252760_7397366_n.jpg[/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]The happy couple during
    a happier season[/TD]

    [/TABLE]
     
    I have a feeling that Stinky spoke for a lot of Twins fans that night, few of whom are members of the blogosphere, but many of whom sit down the row or at the same bar and who have begun to approach the summer months with apathy bordering on estrangement. I've certainly had similar moments, and I've read many similar thoughts from other bloggers. But, as I told my beloved Stinky that same night, "this is part of love. The people you care about don't stay exactly the same as when you first met them, they grow, they change, and you find new things to love about them."
     
    We could close up the blogging shop right now, satisfied that it was an amusing diversion for many years, and hope that some day the Twins sweep us off our feet again. Or we can keep writing, keep chatting and actually redouble our efforts as we find new things to love in this new team. This version of the Twins might not win, (okay they definitely won't win) but they can be entertaining and we can find entertainment in their efforts. So join us as we ring out the old (with the PFH HoF vote) and ring in the new (with new posts welcoming in our quirky line-up).
     
    It's going to be a fun year.
     
    --Smelly/Scruffy (Mr. Peanut)
  24. PeanutsFromHeaven
    This was originally posted at our other website
     
    It's a holiday tradition as old as Barack Obama's presidency (...hmm that didn't sound quite as impressive as I thought I would...); every year, shortly after the Winter Meetings end, we Peanuts offer a poorly digested, mostly fabricated recap of the glad-handing and back slapping that turns four days of business meetings in a fancy hotel into something somewhat amusing.
    We hope you enjoy this absurd dramatization of a professional business convention (and if you are somehow still amused by such absurd dramatizations feel free to explore our other recaps for 2011, 2010, 2009, and 2008.)
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    [TD=align: center]http://www.blogcdn.com/www.gadling.com/media/2011/08/gaylord1.jpg[/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]It's all so magical![/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    MONDAY:
    9:23 AM--The serious professionals in the Twins organization are gobsmacked upon registering at the Opryland Hotel at the expansive atrium that could easily contain all the non-Lutherans in Minnesota!
    10:05 AM--After purchasing a lot of swag at the Opryland Hotel Giftshop team budget managers sheepishly inform Terry Ryan that they have blown all the money saved by trading Denard Span
    12:28 PM--Terry Ryan begins the going through his rolodex of available starting pitchers beginning with Blanton, Joe and Correia, Kevin.
    4:41 PM--Ryan becomes seriously twitterpated before dialing "Grienke, Zack". Feeling just as nervous as he did before he tried calling Suzi Charmical for a date to the Junior Prom back in Zanesville
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    [TD=align: center]http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-i2a0UWXViSM/S7edfWzkbDI/AAAAAAAABco/Im7TYNZOLQo/s200/Ben-Greinke.jpg[/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Greinke wishes someone in LA would
    think up doofy photoshops for him.[/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    4:43 PM--Remembering the crushing rejection suffered at the hands of Suzi Charmical, Ryan decides to just move on to the next name on his list (who won't cost more than the state's budget for education) Jackson, Edwin.
    8:45 PM--After a super awkward dinner with representatives from the Dodgers, Greinke wishes that those nice guys from the Twins would call him so he could just once know what it was like to have *nice* executives talk to him. (*tear*)
    TUESDAY:
    3:23 AM--As he hangs up with Zambrano, Carlos (who may or may not have been at a rave) Ryan lets out a contented sigh at having called every eligible free agent pitcher with a pulse.
    4:03 AM--After a 30 minute cat nap, Ryan takes out a Ouiji board and begins calling free-agent pitchers without a pulse: beginning with Alexander, Grover Cleveland.
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-BLzNasCZWQY/SdIwvoLRdBI/AAAAAAAABDM/KQrYgBvaijE/s320/Classic+Staff.jpg[/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Johan, Bert and Three Zombies!...Dare to dream..[/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    11:38 AM--Braves General Manager Frank Wren stops by to take Ryan to lunch and gauge interest in trading Josh Willingham. But his aura interrupts productive discussions about a 2 year/3 Million brain deal with Zombie Christy Matthewson, and trade talks are abruptly cut off
    6:45 PM--Having failed to procure a magical amulet to raise the dead and sign them to pitching contracts, Ryan returns to his rolodex of available pitchers only to discover that Joe Blanton will be signing elsewhere, and thus Kevin Correia is the most alphabetically appropriate pitcher.
    7:00 PM--Ryan rage quits on his free agent pursuits and the front office staff has to calm him down by starting the traditional Winter Meetings TV Show marathon a skosh early.


    http://ia.media-imdb.com/images/M/MV5BNTA2MTE1NDI5OV5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwNzM2MzU3Nw@@._V1._SY317_CR21,0,214,317_.jpg

    7:20 PM--Three scenes into the first episode of Sherlock, no one can remember who they are, what they are doing, or why anything except the fact that they HAVE TO watch more of this show.
    WEDNESDAY:
    6:01 AM--Ryan cries at the last scene of "Richenbach Falls"
    6:02 AM--Ryan unleashes a stream of profanity about series creator Steven Moffat after seeing the ACTUAL last scene of "Richenbach Falls"
    7:27 AM--The front office staff concludes their tv gorging winter meetings ritual by ordering up some room service, including an extra big banana split to calm down a still ragingly furious Terry Ryan.
    10:43 AM--Finally emerging from the stale air of their suite, Ryan and his colleagues connect with their counterparts in the business and begin to gauge interest in possible trades.
    2:18 PM--The staff reconvenes to compare their measurements on their "gauges of interest"; realizing that surprisingly Justin Morneau's interest rated at "14.8 STPE" (seconds thought per executive) which was below the measurements on the Ben Revere gauges: 47.7 STPE.
    4:33 PM--Bert Blyleven calls in to plead with the Twins to step up their pursuit of trading for Texas lefty and his relative Derek Holland.
    4:53 PM--After quite a bit of effort, the front office staff convinces Blyleven that just because his name is "Holland" does not mean that he is actually from Holland. But appreciate that thought.
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    [TD=align: center]http://s39.radikal.ru/i083/0904/3e/3cc00f9200bc.jpg[/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]"Finite Sucktarium!"[/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    8:15 PM--As word leaks that Bluefield Blue Jays president Richard McGonagale will be named "King of Baseball", the Twins quietly inquire as to whether or not McGonagle has any relation to that British witch lady and if that magical touch chan be swayed into our organization.
    THURSDAY
    6:18 AM--Trade discussions about Revere nearly derail when Assistant Bill Smith asks Ruben Amaro Jr. "What the hell is a Phillie anyway?" making Amaro a little overly defensive.
    8:53 AM--As the scouts plan to take to pick Ryan Pressly (a starter converted to a reliever) in the Rule 5 Draft; they have to awkwardly wait through the terminally unpopular Rule 1, Rule 2, Rule 3 and Rule 4 Drafts.
    11:07 AM--The team puts the final touches on a trade that will send Ben Revere to Philadelphia for pitchers Vance Worley and Trevor May, which forces Terry Ryan to do the hardest thing in the world...watch Ben Revere's childlike innocence die.
    11:09 AM--When asked if Santa will still be able to find him in Philadelphia, Ryan can't help but say "YES! OF COURSE! Don't worry! Santa totally will find you and he is real!"
    3:28 PM--En route the airport, Terry Ryan remembers that he was supposed to talk to Jared Burton at some point this weekend, calls him with the offer of 5.5 Million over two years with a 3.6 Million dollar option for the third year PLUS any razor he wants to shave down his neck scruff.
    3:29 PM--Burton agrees, but doesn't require the "razor clause".
     
    Thus concludes our winter meetings recap...apologies for the late posting...I can't think of a good excuse so I won't bother to make up a bad one.
  25. PeanutsFromHeaven
    but not at all rock and roll...that's our prediction for what the Twins will do during this week's Winter Meetings in Nashville, Tennessee.
    Every offseason, when there is precious little else to write about, I make prognostications/recommendations for what will/should happen when the Twins' brass heads down to whatever exotic locale has agreed to host the most powerful people in baseball for four days.
    This year, there's a lot that could be done to improve the team; some would go so far as to say there's a lot that needs to be done. The only question is what actually will be done, when TR and company head down to the home of the Grand Ol' Opry.
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container, align: center]


    http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ZBN4K39cXFI/T99mq0c6-2I/AAAAAAAACBU/fZ9hMqCsKp4/s320/LMD2.jpg


    [TD=class: tr-caption]What will TR get done?
    [/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    I have no idea of course, but that won't stop me from making bizarre guesses for my and (hopefully) your enjoyment.
    [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container]

    [TD=align: center]http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-7TlshsyqGiU/T3xXPCKpJvI/AAAAAAAAB-k/TgvaPOfdB5M/s200/Marquis+de+Marquis.jpg
    [/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Who will be the next
    Jason Marquis?
    [/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    1. The Twins sign a mediocre pitcher who makes fans go "Him?"
    We all know the Twins need starters, but with the frequently frugal Ryan spending the parsimonious Pohlads' dollars in a market where any one with a few Ws on their stat sheet is guaranteed a cool million dollars a year, Zack Grienke isn't happening.
    Sure there are dreams of Brandon McCarthy and Shawn Marcum, but it's far more likely that we'll be perusing the "Livan Hernandez Memorial Bargin Bin" so brace yourself for Jonathan Sanchez, Ching Ming Wang and (dare we dream?) Jeff Karstens.
    2. Josh Willingham and Justin Morneau sit awkwardly beside their phones for several days
    Now that Denard Span is shopping for apartments in Foggy Bottom, the two most prized commodities in the Twins' stockpile are the bopping big men. So, for Josh and Justin, it's time for several tense days updating "mlbtraderumors.com" and playing Angry Birds in space to pass the time.
    Of course, we tend to have a slightly higher opinion of both player's abilities than the market will likely bear (I mean, how much can you really expect to get for a corner outfielder with limited defensive abilities, or a first baseman who's still coming back from a concussion.
    3. After signing another aging middle infielder, the Twins replace their post game buffet with Perkins' early bird special coupons.
    There's always someone who wants to make the Twins their last stop on the road to the retirement home: Tony Batista, Jose Offerman, Jamey Carroll, and without a set of high calibre prospects to replace them, there's always a demand.
    Rather than begrudging this fact, let's celebrate it! If we're going to try appealing to Marco Scutaro or Placido Palanco we might as well sweeten the pot with Perkins' all day breakfast deals...after all, who wouldn't want a chicken fried steak right before a big game? And hey, if we can splurge on a box of Werther's originals and the right to do an Andy Rooney style rant in the 8th inning each night then we'll have officially cornered the market.
    4. Scott Boras mistakes Terry Ryan's polite conversation for interest in a mediocre player and uses it to procure a grossly over indulgent contract.
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    [TD=align: center]http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-I3UE438Oec8/Sv2hhwXzE7I/AAAAAAAABUI/GxDBkh5reXQ/s200/Boras.jpg
    [/TD]


    [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]You're welcome, Scott
    [/TD]

    [/TABLE]
    Every year there's one or two of Scott Boras' clients who bring up a "mystery team" in an effort to boost the bidding for their services. Whether or not these teams actually exist is irrelevant, all that matters is the money pit Boras gets to jump in for his troubles.
    The Twins won't be so foolish as to actually hire a Boras client; but Ryan's unflagging Minnesota Nice demeanor and past experience with Kyle Loshe may well lead to a casual conversation in the hallway, which leads to intense rumor mongering between Boras and the Dodgers, which leads to a $60 Million dollar pay day for Loshe...the least Boras could do would be to pay for the almonds Ryan takes from his minibar.
    5. A fat lot o' nothing happens.
    The most likely situation of all: each year there's a tremendous amount of speculation in the days and weeks leading up to the winter meetings, and each year we end up pretty much where we were at the start of it...a little bored and none the wiser about who or what the coming year will hold.
    Still! The conjecture is fun and the impending sense of doom being alleviated when we don't waste our money is even better!
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