Minnesota Twins First Baseman is in the later years of his career, and says he's finally finding some of the finer things in life as a well paid veteran.
"You grow up, you get old, and you find things that you really enjoy." Mauer said after finally showing up to Spring Training "I've had a blast watching my kids grow up, I've had a good time trimming my lawn with scissors, and now I've started smoking cigars lit with hundred dollar bills, and let me tell you, it's just fantastic."
Mauer said that he wasn't into cigars in his twenties, believing that they were "yucky", but now that he's 32 and is able to finally afford some of the finer things in life, he came across cigar smoking and found that it was even better when he lit the cigar with a spare hundred.
"I was watching the Simpsons, and I saw Krusty the Klown do it, and I was like, hey, that guy had a bunch of extra money laying around like I do, and he's doing that, I should give it a try, it looks like fun." Mauer added, chuckling at the thought of the pasty cartooned celebrity. "It's been extra fun lighting them in front of all the minor league guys at camp this spring. Their faces when they see that hundred just go to waste is priceless. They must think it's so funny they're speechless."
Mauer has been known as a quiet type, and not the flashy and flamboyant type that you would typically see lighting cigars with hundreds, but perhaps this is a new Joe Mauer. Mauer says he feels more comfortable in his place in the world as a super rich baseball player, and it's led to more confidence for him to do things he would've consider silly in his younger years.
Some of his teammates were perturbed by the news, but ultimately didn't have anything bad to say about the former AL MVP.
"I mean, he's got more money than God, why would he not do that?" One Twins player said, choosing to remain anonymous. "It's weird seeing him do something like this, like he's a kid who just discovered breaking the rules or something, but hey, he's happy as hell, so whatever."
Mauer said he hasn't really thought about other new hobbies yet, but he's hoping that he might come across some more fun things like this in the future. It's also been said that he's considering getting an Instagram account just so he can follow Dan Bilzerian at the recommendation of a teammate, but he hasn't gotten around to downloading any apps on his phone in the three years he's had it. This very well could be a new Joe Mauer though, a cigar smoking rebel without a cause, and who knows where it could go from here.
The Twins medical staff is under fire again for yet another misbegotten medical decision, and according to sources, some of the doctors on staff are starting to question the team's long-running practice of relying on Yahoo! Answers for medical advice.
"We've long been believers in Yahoo! Answers, which has been our go-to repository of cutting-edge medical research," said a source, who's intimately involved with the team's medical staff. "Unlike traditional journals, which can be months, even years behind the time, we've found Yahoo! Answers to be constantly updated and responsive to changing the medical needs of our age. That said, when reviewing outcomes from our decisions, we've yet to see an improvement, and so we're beginning to wonder whether the research is truly up to snuff."
The Twins have long relied on the medical advice of researcher "xxx_legday_xxx", whose groundbreaking theories about using weight training to cure both partially and fully torn arm ligaments have long been among the top Google results for the search "how to heal elbow without surgery." After Twins outfield prospect Alex Kirilloff became the latest Twin for whom the research failed, though, several members of the Twins staff started checking into his background.
According to the source, the team found that the cutting-edge researcher had also advocated long-disproved medical theories like bloodletting and trepanning, as well as offering a wealth of ill-considered advice about sexual health and making thousands of dollars per month by working two hours a week from home.
Despite the team's long-held assumption, investigation was unable to unearth any documentation of what the team assumed was Yahoo! Answers' strict peer-review process, or any sort of vetting process of any kind to ensure that answers were indeed provided by experts.
"We're just starting to wonder about this whole thing," said the unnamed medical staffer. "But why would they even put it on the internet if it wasn't true? Who has that kind of time?"
At press time, the source was investigating another online journal called "WebMD," but had gotten sidetracked by the looming possibility that his occasional headaches were in fact a sign of brain cancer.
TheGiantTeapot reacted to Ben Remington for a blog entry, Joe Mauer's New Hobby Is Lighting Cigars With $100 Bills
