PeanutsFromHeaven

Like everything else I write: this is also available at our original site: Peanuts from Heaven It's a spring-time tradition. When Spring Break arrives, I say goodbye to my students, make a few Arrested Development jokes with my colleagues, and pick up as much as I can find on the impending baseball season This year, in addition to the standard season preview issues of Sports Illustrated and ESPN, I also picked up the City Pages, on the basis of it's ominous headline "Baseball's Fiscal Cliff: As another season begins, MLB faces an unsustainable future--and you're picking up the tab". (Certainly a title capable of grabbing attention, and the whole article is available here) [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://media.citypages.com/8664187.0.jpg [/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Credit: City Pages [/TD] [/TABLE] The fiscal cliff referred to by author--Pete Kotz--is based on 4 clear points (with the emphasis and dire headline being based most clearly on the 4th point) Baseball is beset with competitive imbalanceTo Kotz's mind the more popular NFL and NBA help their sports thrive by helping teams thrive in middle-markets like Green Bay and San Antonio, while grand ol' game is trapped in a recurring cycle where "the big crush the small with painful regularity". Baseball is losing its fan base (particularly among young men)You can see the diminishing fan base in the graph at the right. The audience for a typical World Series game has shrunk by 29.6 million eyes from 1980 to today. Including the surprising stat that "More women age 50 and older watched the world series did men under 49". The largest financial gain for baseball is its lucrative tv contracts which will soon come under threat from increased demand for better productIt's no surprise that Sports are lucrative for broadcast networks to air (no one lines up to watch March Madness stunners on hulu the day after). So there are multiple millions if not billions in the offing when teams agree to broadcasting contracts. However the companies that own your local teams' broadcaster (Time Warner/Disney/Viacom/News Corps) are able to recoup the oodles they pay for baseball by making satellite and cable companies sell lower rated channels like Disney XD along with ESPN or FUEL Tv alongside Fox Sports North. Of course the satellite and cable companies pass that cost on to consumers. But with the rise of on-line watching, Kotz argues, all viewers are increasingly likely to switch off the tv unless things change, and bills (which may soon top $200/month) drop. (Perhaps through an anti-trust suit from Viacom which seeks to eliminate the channel-bundling and sell channels to consumers individually.) If the cable contracts change, the tv contract bubble will burst, competitive imbalance will become entrenched and the few remaining fans will have to pay exorbitant prices in order to ever see a winner again.This is the core of Kotz's case. If you can buy individual channels, those who want family fare (like Disney Channel) but not sports will spurn the extra cost on their cable bill and, as he sees it: "aseball's welfare payments from non-fans will corrode. And with an audience in decline, remaining subscribers will be forced to spend that much more to compensate." Thereby leaving poor teams like the Twins charging fans more both at the turnstiles and on the cable bill to make money, hire players and win games. This is an argument. But as I see it, it has a couple of clear flaws too. Baseball is rife with parityThis would be Jayson Stark's turf, so I won't really get into this too much, I'll just to trot out perhaps the best stat of all: 12/32 NFL teams have won a Super Bowl in the last 25 years, by contrast 16/30 MLB teams have won a World Series over the same time span...yup, you've got no chance if you aren't the Yankees Baseball's fan base cannot be judged by World Series ratings[TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://media.citypages.com/8664387.0.jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]True, but irrelevant. Credit: CityPages[/TD] [/TABLE] To be sure, baseball's World Series' ratings are embarrassing. But they are less embarrassing when you consider how baseball does in other venues. News reports point out that daily viewership of local teams is fairly constant within most media markets. Take the Tigers: they get about 168,000 people tuning in to tv each day, plus 199,700 people tuning into the radio, that'll be 367,7000 people tuning in each week...just within Detroit. (The Lions draw from a national audience to try to match that in one day). On top of that, you should consider the fact that baseball's long season enables a near constant conversation about the games on social media and the internet. "Detroit Tigers Blogs" kick out 40 million hits on google, "Detroit Lions Blogs" kick out about 24 million hits. (Heck the Twins even crush the Vikings (about 22 million to 19 million...AND THE TWINS STUNK WHILE THE VIKINGS MADE THE PLAYOFFS) The truth is that, while national ratings are down, local interest is up. Would it be nice to see the World Series return to its bygone glory? Yes it would. But do woeful World Series ratings mean baseball is doomed? Absolutely not. Lucrative tv contracts are undoubtedly valuable, but are not the only factor in making a team competitiveNaturally local markets can pay more if they have more subscribers (Angels and Yankees broadcasting contracts are going to pour more money into the teams they're paying than local broadcasters in say, Oakland and Tampa Bay). Nevertheless, as the last decade worth of parity (see point 1) has made clear, you don't have to be swimming in tv contract cash in order to make your team competitive (witness the success of the A's and the Angels, or the Rays and Yankees). Teams have found ways to succeed without money before, and they'll seek ways to succeed without them now. Who says that this is what will happen if the cable contracts change? Here's the biggest problem I have with Kotz's article and the City Pages' fear mongering. They've given into what I tell my students is an "if...then fallacy". If one thing happens, then another will inevitably follow. You see it in presidential campaign ads (like... ). [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://media.citypages.com/8665427.87.jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Credit: City Pages[/TD] [/TABLE] But there's a problem with assuming that one action will invariably lead to atom bombs or war with moon nazis: there's no way to know whether or not this will really happen. Let's say Kotz is right and cable companies start offering the chance to buy channels individually rather than as a set. Why does that mean that customers will abandon sports channels rather than turning to them in greater numbers? (Personal example: the only non-network channels I watch are FSN, ESPN and Comedy Central anyway...so I'm in regardless; my younger brother can't afford cable, but if he could get the sports channels he wanted without paying hundreds of bucks for sports AND SoapNet/E!, he'd do it in a heart beat). Or, if you prefer, if cable contracts change AND sports channels are abandoned, why does that mean that teams will be forced to charge regular fans more? Why won't it lead to a greater degree of fiscal restraint? The fall out from A-Rod's mammoth contract (and subsequent crapitude) has already largely flattened player's prices. Moreover, with 15 years of solid labor agreements behind them, the union has a good sense of what they can/should expect from management. If they know finances are getting crunched, they'll have to accept that and the lower salaries that come along with it. However you slice it, there's just no guarantee that the so-called "Fiscal Cliff" is nearly as dire as Kotz and the City Pages make it seem. There are problems with baseball. It's naive to argue otherwise. But should we really be bracing ourselves for a financial disaster that will doom us to decades of overpaying for the foreseeable future? Probably not. I can see why the City Pages published the article ('tis the season, after all), but there's just no need to make a 125 year old institution that has weathered recessions, depressions and wars that minimized their workforce seem like it's going to be doomed because of a cable company's law suit? That's just silly.

Like everything else I write: this is also available at our original site: Peanuts from Heaven It's a spring-time tradition. When Spring Break arrives, I say goodbye to my students, make a few Arrested Development jokes with my colleagues, and pick up as much as I can find on the impending baseball season This year, in addition to the standard season preview issues of Sports Illustrated and ESPN, I also picked up the City Pages, on the basis of it's ominous headline "Baseball's Fiscal Cliff: As another season begins, MLB faces an unsustainable future--and you're picking up the tab". (Certainly a title capable of grabbing attention, and the whole article is available here) [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://media.citypages.com/8664187.0.jpg [/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Credit: City Pages [/TD] [/TABLE] The fiscal cliff referred to by author--Pete Kotz--is based on 4 clear points (with the emphasis and dire headline being based most clearly on the 4th point) Baseball is beset with competitive imbalanceTo Kotz's mind the more popular NFL and NBA help their sports thrive by helping teams thrive in middle-markets like Green Bay and San Antonio, while grand ol' game is trapped in a recurring cycle where "the big crush the small with painful regularity". Baseball is losing its fan base (particularly among young men)You can see the diminishing fan base in the graph at the right. The audience for a typical World Series game has shrunk by 29.6 million eyes from 1980 to today. Including the surprising stat that "More women age 50 and older watched the world series did men under 49". The largest financial gain for baseball is its lucrative tv contracts which will soon come under threat from increased demand for better productIt's no surprise that Sports are lucrative for broadcast networks to air (no one lines up to watch March Madness stunners on hulu the day after). So there are multiple millions if not billions in the offing when teams agree to broadcasting contracts. However the companies that own your local teams' broadcaster (Time Warner/Disney/Viacom/News Corps) are able to recoup the oodles they pay for baseball by making satellite and cable companies sell lower rated channels like Disney XD along with ESPN or FUEL Tv alongside Fox Sports North. Of course the satellite and cable companies pass that cost on to consumers. But with the rise of on-line watching, Kotz argues, all viewers are increasingly likely to switch off the tv unless things change, and bills (which may soon top $200/month) drop. (Perhaps through an anti-trust suit from Viacom which seeks to eliminate the channel-bundling and sell channels to consumers individually.) If the cable contracts change, the tv contract bubble will burst, competitive imbalance will become entrenched and the few remaining fans will have to pay exorbitant prices in order to ever see a winner again.This is the core of Kotz's case. If you can buy individual channels, those who want family fare (like Disney Channel) but not sports will spurn the extra cost on their cable bill and, as he sees it: "aseball's welfare payments from non-fans will corrode. And with an audience in decline, remaining subscribers will be forced to spend that much more to compensate." Thereby leaving poor teams like the Twins charging fans more both at the turnstiles and on the cable bill to make money, hire players and win games. This is an argument. But as I see it, it has a couple of clear flaws too. Baseball is rife with parityThis would be Jayson Stark's turf, so I won't really get into this too much, I'll just to trot out perhaps the best stat of all: 12/32 NFL teams have won a Super Bowl in the last 25 years, by contrast 16/30 MLB teams have won a World Series over the same time span...yup, you've got no chance if you aren't the Yankees Baseball's fan base cannot be judged by World Series ratings[TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://media.citypages.com/8664387.0.jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]True, but irrelevant. Credit: CityPages[/TD] [/TABLE] To be sure, baseball's World Series' ratings are embarrassing. But they are less embarrassing when you consider how baseball does in other venues. News reports point out that daily viewership of local teams is fairly constant within most media markets. Take the Tigers: they get about 168,000 people tuning in to tv each day, plus 199,700 people tuning into the radio, that'll be 367,7000 people tuning in each week...just within Detroit. (The Lions draw from a national audience to try to match that in one day). On top of that, you should consider the fact that baseball's long season enables a near constant conversation about the games on social media and the internet. "Detroit Tigers Blogs" kick out 40 million hits on google, "Detroit Lions Blogs" kick out about 24 million hits. (Heck the Twins even crush the Vikings (about 22 million to 19 million...AND THE TWINS STUNK WHILE THE VIKINGS MADE THE PLAYOFFS) The truth is that, while national ratings are down, local interest is up. Would it be nice to see the World Series return to its bygone glory? Yes it would. But do woeful World Series ratings mean baseball is doomed? Absolutely not. Lucrative tv contracts are undoubtedly valuable, but are not the only factor in making a team competitiveNaturally local markets can pay more if they have more subscribers (Angels and Yankees broadcasting contracts are going to pour more money into the teams they're paying than local broadcasters in say, Oakland and Tampa Bay). Nevertheless, as the last decade worth of parity (see point 1) has made clear, you don't have to be swimming in tv contract cash in order to make your team competitive (witness the success of the A's and the Angels, or the Rays and Yankees). Teams have found ways to succeed without money before, and they'll seek ways to succeed without them now. Who says that this is what will happen if the cable contracts change? Here's the biggest problem I have with Kotz's article and the City Pages' fear mongering. They've given into what I tell my students is an "if...then fallacy". If one thing happens, then another will inevitably follow. You see it in presidential campaign ads (like... ). [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://media.citypages.com/8665427.87.jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Credit: City Pages[/TD] [/TABLE] But there's a problem with assuming that one action will invariably lead to atom bombs or war with moon nazis: there's no way to know whether or not this will really happen. Let's say Kotz is right and cable companies start offering the chance to buy channels individually rather than as a set. Why does that mean that customers will abandon sports channels rather than turning to them in greater numbers? (Personal example: the only non-network channels I watch are FSN, ESPN and Comedy Central anyway...so I'm in regardless; my younger brother can't afford cable, but if he could get the sports channels he wanted without paying hundreds of bucks for sports AND SoapNet/E!, he'd do it in a heart beat). Or, if you prefer, if cable contracts change AND sports channels are abandoned, why does that mean that teams will be forced to charge regular fans more? Why won't it lead to a greater degree of fiscal restraint? The fall out from A-Rod's mammoth contract (and subsequent crapitude) has already largely flattened player's prices. Moreover, with 15 years of solid labor agreements behind them, the union has a good sense of what they can/should expect from management. If they know finances are getting crunched, they'll have to accept that and the lower salaries that come along with it. However you slice it, there's just no guarantee that the so-called "Fiscal Cliff" is nearly as dire as Kotz and the City Pages make it seem. There are problems with baseball. It's naive to argue otherwise. But should we really be bracing ourselves for a financial disaster that will doom us to decades of overpaying for the foreseeable future? Probably not. I can see why the City Pages published the article ('tis the season, after all), but there's just no need to make a 125 year old institution that has weathered recessions, depressions and wars that minimized their workforce seem like it's going to be doomed because of a cable company's law suit? That's just silly.

Two fantastic lines here: "gray is the official color of being down two runs", and "It's hard not to wonder if we're signing on to cheer for cannon fodder"... Great ways to put words to the feelings. The longer this goes on the more likely I am to shout out "BRAAAAIIINS" during the later innings.

I appreciate the positivity. Definitely feel like as long as there's baseball, there's goodness in the world.

Welcome to Opening Day! Before we begin we have a SUPER SPECIAL NEW FEATURE!!! If you don't know who to cheer for, we can help with that. Just check out a link to our "Find your Favorite" Feature and answer a few questions to help match you with a current Twin. We should also welcome the latest addition to our Peanuts From Heaven Hall of Fame: Jim Thome! http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-mx1BkSnV68Q/UVjKwl7Zc0I/AAAAAAAACI4/Rzh5_l-W-uE/s400/JimboHOF.jpg Thome crossed the 75% threshold just ahead of other candidates Joe Nathan and Denard Span who will be back for next years ballots (alongside Messrs Young, Pavano, Crain, Liriano, Nishioka, Baker, Revere and Casilla while Slowey, Hughes, Marquis, Capps and [surprisingly] Jason Kubel will be off the ballot.) Now for the big stuff. As the season kicks off in earnest today, it's my last chance to predict the outcome of the season and prognosticate with the best of them (which is to say all the other people who will be proved wrong in six months). Just to k eep some consistency with other (smarter) bloggers I'll use some of their terms for things Twins' record: 70-92 http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-GqYERUbn_l0/SrKKL0l7qUI/AAAAAAAABRI/3sIhk9B6IGg/s1600/Brawny+Morneau.jpg Harmon Killebrew Award (Team MVP)--Justin Morneau I'm going to go with the medias favorite definition of an MVP: how good would the team be without them? Morneau has looked consistently better as he becomes increasingly removed from his concussion, I'll guess that he plays well enough to help keep the Twins about 3-5 games below .500 until a June trade leads him to a healthy pennant race for the first time since 2008 (remember his issues kept him off the field in '09 and '10), meanwhile the Twins will drop off with out him, to about 10 games below .500, proving that he is indeed valuable. Johan Santana Award (Team Pitcher of the Year)--Glen Perkins With Scott Diamond out for the first month and other pitchers looking shaky, I'll take the cheap way out and give it to the best pitcher on the roster...even if he only gets to pitch twice-a-week. Perkins has played better and better since coming back from his injury/snit in 2010, besides at least one St. Paul product needs some love. Rod Carew Award (Rookie of the Year)--Aaron Hicks [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_74rxwcNBKQ/UUkasIXqzcI/AAAAAAAACIU/egClCMdtGK8/s200/Dedudebro.jpg [/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Who wants some JAG?! [/TD] [/TABLE] While we'll likely see a veritable flotilla of starting pitchers make their way into the rotation and different points this year, I can't see any of them having a stand-out or noticeable year. While I don't think that Hicks will be with the big club all year long, I do think that his play will be the best of all the rookies and show considerable promise for the future. And finally, our own special Peanuty-Award: Carlos Gomez Award (Most Entertaining Player)--Samuel Deduno This isn't for playing well, this is just for playing in a way that excites, entertains and--most of all--amuses us. I think that title will go to the often erratic and always effusive pitcher who throws just well enough to make you think that maybe, this time, he won't break your heart, and then he does.... Rest assured, we'll be amused as bloggers, even if (as fans) we won't be. Postseason Predictions (*Wild Cards) AL: Angels, Tigers, Jays, *Rays, *A's; Rays > A's; Rays >Angels; Tigers > Jays; Tigers > Rays NL: Giants, Reds, Nats, *Braves, *Brewers; Braves > Brewers; Reds > Braves; Nats > Giants; Reds > Giants World Series: Tigers beat the Reds in 5 But since logical predictions are always wrong I'll say it actually becomes Indians beat the Diamondbacks in 6. (America watches the Here Comes Honey Booboo/Dance Moms cross-over instead) Now let's shut up and watch some baseball! (Then talk some more...because baseball's back!!)

Welcome to Opening Day! Before we begin we have a SUPER SPECIAL NEW FEATURE!!! If you don't know who to cheer for, we can help with that. Just check out a link to our "Find your Favorite" Feature and answer a few questions to help match you with a current Twin. We should also welcome the latest addition to our Peanuts From Heaven Hall of Fame: Jim Thome! http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-mx1BkSnV68Q/UVjKwl7Zc0I/AAAAAAAACI4/Rzh5_l-W-uE/s400/JimboHOF.jpg Thome crossed the 75% threshold just ahead of other candidates Joe Nathan and Denard Span who will be back for next years ballots (alongside Messrs Young, Pavano, Crain, Liriano, Nishioka, Baker, Revere and Casilla while Slowey, Hughes, Marquis, Capps and [surprisingly] Jason Kubel will be off the ballot.) Now for the big stuff. As the season kicks off in earnest today, it's my last chance to predict the outcome of the season and prognosticate with the best of them (which is to say all the other people who will be proved wrong in six months). Just to k eep some consistency with other (smarter) bloggers I'll use some of their terms for things Twins' record: 70-92 http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-GqYERUbn_l0/SrKKL0l7qUI/AAAAAAAABRI/3sIhk9B6IGg/s1600/Brawny+Morneau.jpg Harmon Killebrew Award (Team MVP)--Justin Morneau I'm going to go with the medias favorite definition of an MVP: how good would the team be without them? Morneau has looked consistently better as he becomes increasingly removed from his concussion, I'll guess that he plays well enough to help keep the Twins about 3-5 games below .500 until a June trade leads him to a healthy pennant race for the first time since 2008 (remember his issues kept him off the field in '09 and '10), meanwhile the Twins will drop off with out him, to about 10 games below .500, proving that he is indeed valuable. Johan Santana Award (Team Pitcher of the Year)--Glen Perkins With Scott Diamond out for the first month and other pitchers looking shaky, I'll take the cheap way out and give it to the best pitcher on the roster...even if he only gets to pitch twice-a-week. Perkins has played better and better since coming back from his injury/snit in 2010, besides at least one St. Paul product needs some love. Rod Carew Award (Rookie of the Year)--Aaron Hicks [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_74rxwcNBKQ/UUkasIXqzcI/AAAAAAAACIU/egClCMdtGK8/s200/Dedudebro.jpg [/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Who wants some JAG?! [/TD] [/TABLE] While we'll likely see a veritable flotilla of starting pitchers make their way into the rotation and different points this year, I can't see any of them having a stand-out or noticeable year. While I don't think that Hicks will be with the big club all year long, I do think that his play will be the best of all the rookies and show considerable promise for the future. And finally, our own special Peanuty-Award: Carlos Gomez Award (Most Entertaining Player)--Samuel Deduno This isn't for playing well, this is just for playing in a way that excites, entertains and--most of all--amuses us. I think that title will go to the often erratic and always effusive pitcher who throws just well enough to make you think that maybe, this time, he won't break your heart, and then he does.... Rest assured, we'll be amused as bloggers, even if (as fans) we won't be. Postseason Predictions (*Wild Cards) AL: Angels, Tigers, Jays, *Rays, *A's; Rays > A's; Rays >Angels; Tigers > Jays; Tigers > Rays NL: Giants, Reds, Nats, *Braves, *Brewers; Braves > Brewers; Reds > Braves; Nats > Giants; Reds > Giants World Series: Tigers beat the Reds in 5 But since logical predictions are always wrong I'll say it actually becomes Indians beat the Diamondbacks in 6. (America watches the Here Comes Honey Booboo/Dance Moms cross-over instead) Now let's shut up and watch some baseball! (Then talk some more...because baseball's back!!)

It's our final Get To Know 'Em post this Spring and we're delighted to send it off in style with two rising talents in the Twins ranks. (And for those who have hated these posts, don't worry...they're done...for now) Meet Chris Parmelee! (Right Fielder/First Baseman) [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-jMaXCeYbXzU/STxicN4O5XI/AAAAAAAAA-M/OhpxprjM0V0/s200/Boras.jpg [/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Scott Boras at home [/TD] [/TABLE] Player's Background: In the minor leagues Parmelee has been a steady presence at first base, hitting for some solid power numbers and earning raves from serious Twins fans who seem him as the heir apparent to incumbent first baseman Justin Morneau. Alternate Background: Chris Parmelee is in fact the future, and I'm sure his agent (Scott Boras) will tell you that. In an effort to increase Parmelee's profile in the wake of Morneau's consistently popular "bench pressing with bears" McDonald's commercials, Boras has gotten Parmelee his own line of cheese! Yes, Chris Parmelee's Parmesean will soon be available at all fictional grocery stores, super markets and fromageries. http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-sIUWcprDKQQ/UUkeZ2niFLI/AAAAAAAACIg/yDgzVrig9ew/s320/ChrisParm.jpg Positive Cheers: Behold the power of cheese! Chrissy-Chrissy-Parm-Parm! Less-than Positive Cheers: Well, at least he got his calcium today. Meet Liam Hendricks! (Pitcher) Player's Background: There are few more frustrating pitchers than Liam Hendricks. All the statistics say that he should be ready for the major leagues. All the mechanics and peripherals make it seem like he should be ready for the major leagues. And yet he's a paltry 1-10 in the majors with a plus 6 ERA. Still...he has an arm so... Alternate Background: The promising Righty from Perth is often lauded as one of Australia's top baseball products, and with good cause: he's as Aussie as a rugger singing Waltzing Maltida after eight pints of Fosters. So though his technique in American athletics might be a little less orthodox, he might be as powerful and important an Australian import as Mel Gibson, Russell Crowe or...okay, just Crocodile Dundee, or as we will now refer to him: Crocodile Hendree! http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-c3wor_vMSaU/UUkeZ2yzzII/AAAAAAAACIc/i4_aqx2SbvA/s320/CrocodileHendri.jpg Positive Cheers: That's not a fastball...this is a fastball! He'll lay you flat out like a lizard drinkin! Less-than Positive Cheers: Don't worry Liam, you had a rough outing...we'll refrain from gently mocking your beloved homeland and not even mention the words "shrimp" "barbi" "dingo" or "baby"

It's our final Get To Know 'Em post this Spring and we're delighted to send it off in style with two rising talents in the Twins ranks. (And for those who have hated these posts, don't worry...they're done...for now) Meet Chris Parmelee! (Right Fielder/First Baseman) [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-jMaXCeYbXzU/STxicN4O5XI/AAAAAAAAA-M/OhpxprjM0V0/s200/Boras.jpg [/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Scott Boras at home [/TD] [/TABLE] Player's Background: In the minor leagues Parmelee has been a steady presence at first base, hitting for some solid power numbers and earning raves from serious Twins fans who seem him as the heir apparent to incumbent first baseman Justin Morneau. Alternate Background: Chris Parmelee is in fact the future, and I'm sure his agent (Scott Boras) will tell you that. In an effort to increase Parmelee's profile in the wake of Morneau's consistently popular "bench pressing with bears" McDonald's commercials, Boras has gotten Parmelee his own line of cheese! Yes, Chris Parmelee's Parmesean will soon be available at all fictional grocery stores, super markets and fromageries. http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-sIUWcprDKQQ/UUkeZ2niFLI/AAAAAAAACIg/yDgzVrig9ew/s320/ChrisParm.jpg Positive Cheers: Behold the power of cheese! Chrissy-Chrissy-Parm-Parm! Less-than Positive Cheers: Well, at least he got his calcium today. Meet Liam Hendricks! (Pitcher) Player's Background: There are few more frustrating pitchers than Liam Hendricks. All the statistics say that he should be ready for the major leagues. All the mechanics and peripherals make it seem like he should be ready for the major leagues. And yet he's a paltry 1-10 in the majors with a plus 6 ERA. Still...he has an arm so... Alternate Background: The promising Righty from Perth is often lauded as one of Australia's top baseball products, and with good cause: he's as Aussie as a rugger singing Waltzing Maltida after eight pints of Fosters. So though his technique in American athletics might be a little less orthodox, he might be as powerful and important an Australian import as Mel Gibson, Russell Crowe or...okay, just Crocodile Dundee, or as we will now refer to him: Crocodile Hendree! http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-c3wor_vMSaU/UUkeZ2yzzII/AAAAAAAACIc/i4_aqx2SbvA/s320/CrocodileHendri.jpg Positive Cheers: That's not a fastball...this is a fastball! He'll lay you flat out like a lizard drinkin! Less-than Positive Cheers: Don't worry Liam, you had a rough outing...we'll refrain from gently mocking your beloved homeland and not even mention the words "shrimp" "barbi" "dingo" or "baby"

Nothing like spring time with the strains of "One Shining Moment" bleeding into "Take me Out to the Ballgame". My brothers and I still sing both to each other. Great post.

As we near the end of our introduction to the new and improved Minnesota Twins we consider a few players who might not be around as much as we in the "let's-have-fun-and-laugh-a-little-at-the-Twins" crowd might like. Meet Jamey Carroll! (Infielder) Player's Background: Jamey Carroll is many things, a scrappy infielder (hey, where have we heard that before?), a clubhouse leader, the last surviving Expo. Above all he is a journeyman utility player who can (and does) play third base, short stop or second base whenever he is asked. He also attempts to hit which is adorable. Alternate Background: As first observed by my younger brother: "Jamey Carroll" sounds like it should be the name of a Country Music superstar. The more you think about it, the more the idea sticks in your head and the awful song titles come to mind. That's the power of Jamey Carroll, pure professionalism on the field, pure party off of it! http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-1PKkylsk6qU/UUkasV-f_tI/AAAAAAAACIQ/J3jfk5-8gko/s320/CountryStar.jpg Positive Cheers: Come up with your own smash hit Jamey Carroll singles like: "Momma's Don't Let Your Babies Grow up to be Middle Relievers!" "Saddle up my Stirrups Gardy, I'm Running the Bases Tonight!" Less-than Positive Cheers: Come up with your own Truck Stop Discount bin Jamey Carroll singles like: "How can I Miss the First Baseman, If He Doesn't Go Away?" "I Only Strike Out on Days that End with Y" Meet Samuel Deduno! (Pitcher) Player's Background: Samuel Deduno was an unsigned free-agent in 2003, then a workman minor leaguer until his first cup of coffee with the Rockies in 2010. He remained wildly inconsistent (and at times just wild) in brief stints with the Rockies and Padres before the Twins signed him where he has made some wildly inconsistent (and at times just wild) starts. Some fine pitching for the Dominican Republic has some people curious about Deduno's promise...even if it is...well, wild. Alternate Background: Samuel Deduno is to playing baseball, what dull DudeBros are to your local watering hole. They both turn up out of nowhere, they swagger like they own the place, they seem like the worst possible choice you can make, and yet they keep on getting picked (by the manager in Deduno's case and by girls in the DudeBros' case). Naturally this can lead to only one creation: Samuel De-DudeBro! http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_74rxwcNBKQ/UUkasIXqzcI/AAAAAAAACIM/O7nYOCqUcHc/s320/Dedudebro.jpg Positive Cheers: DUDE!! BRO!!! Less-than Positive Cheers: Dude. Bro.

As we near the end of our introduction to the new and improved Minnesota Twins we consider a few players who might not be around as much as we in the "let's-have-fun-and-laugh-a-little-at-the-Twins" crowd might like. Meet Jamey Carroll! (Infielder) Player's Background: Jamey Carroll is many things, a scrappy infielder (hey, where have we heard that before?), a clubhouse leader, the last surviving Expo. Above all he is a journeyman utility player who can (and does) play third base, short stop or second base whenever he is asked. He also attempts to hit which is adorable. Alternate Background: As first observed by my younger brother: "Jamey Carroll" sounds like it should be the name of a Country Music superstar. The more you think about it, the more the idea sticks in your head and the awful song titles come to mind. That's the power of Jamey Carroll, pure professionalism on the field, pure party off of it! http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-1PKkylsk6qU/UUkasV-f_tI/AAAAAAAACIQ/J3jfk5-8gko/s320/CountryStar.jpg Positive Cheers: Come up with your own smash hit Jamey Carroll singles like: "Momma's Don't Let Your Babies Grow up to be Middle Relievers!" "Saddle up my Stirrups Gardy, I'm Running the Bases Tonight!" Less-than Positive Cheers: Come up with your own Truck Stop Discount bin Jamey Carroll singles like: "How can I Miss the First Baseman, If He Doesn't Go Away?" "I Only Strike Out on Days that End with Y" Meet Samuel Deduno! (Pitcher) Player's Background: Samuel Deduno was an unsigned free-agent in 2003, then a workman minor leaguer until his first cup of coffee with the Rockies in 2010. He remained wildly inconsistent (and at times just wild) in brief stints with the Rockies and Padres before the Twins signed him where he has made some wildly inconsistent (and at times just wild) starts. Some fine pitching for the Dominican Republic has some people curious about Deduno's promise...even if it is...well, wild. Alternate Background: Samuel Deduno is to playing baseball, what dull DudeBros are to your local watering hole. They both turn up out of nowhere, they swagger like they own the place, they seem like the worst possible choice you can make, and yet they keep on getting picked (by the manager in Deduno's case and by girls in the DudeBros' case). Naturally this can lead to only one creation: Samuel De-DudeBro! http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_74rxwcNBKQ/UUkasIXqzcI/AAAAAAAACIM/O7nYOCqUcHc/s320/Dedudebro.jpg Positive Cheers: DUDE!! BRO!!! Less-than Positive Cheers: Dude. Bro.

The Twins season begins in less than 1 week! And yet there are still more players to meet as we continue to get to know our versions of the major league roster. Meet Brian Dozier! (Second Baseman/Infielder) Player's Background: A small, scrappy infielder out of Mississippi, Brian Dozier earned the attention of Twin scouts at the University of Southern Mississippi (presumably because the same year he was drafted Brett Favre [another Southern Miss grad] was working out in Hattiesburg). After just three years in the minors (a very swift ascension by Twins standards) he was given a shot to play at short stop, and struggled after some early success. Now, like many Twins infield prospects of the past, he will move from short stop to second base because c'mon-it-has-to-work-sometime-doesn't-it? Alternate Background: While attending Itawamba Agricultural High School (seriously...that's his high school) Brian was grazed by a radioactive piece of farm equipment that allowed him to morph into any piece of heavy machinery he wanted. Since that superpower kind of stinks and Dozier thought he might turn into a power hitter some day he chose to become the mighty BRIAN-DOZER! Unfortunately, he never did become a power hitter but remained an adorable, lovable, scrappy middle-infielder. So his brief displays of power are coupled with the tendency to demolish things, like tailor-made double play balls. But hey, if he can ever harness his power for good rather than destruction...WOO! http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-qgQNCN1gq50/UUkWnpa0vwI/AAAAAAAACH8/ae81VD_yLGA/s320/BrianDozer.jpg Positive Cheers: Demolish it Dozer/Dozier! Less-than Positive Cheers: Don't make us trade you for a Tonka truck! Meet Mike Pelfry! (Pitcher) Player's Background: A highly touted college prospect form Wichita State, Pelfry leapt to the major leagues shortly after being drafted by the New York Mets. He has been frequently inconsistent throughout his career with flashes of brilliance (complete games, 10-1 stretches) and incompetence (a +5.00 ERA and leading the majors in balks), so when he required Tommy John surgery the Mets were fine with let the high priced 29 year old walk. Alternate Background: The successful elbow surgery has made Pelfry a candidate for the Twins' rotation this year, much to the delight of his agent/mad-genius: Scott Boras. In Pelfry, Boras has the perfect test subject for his latest attempt to sucker the baseball establishment--slowly replacing human parts with robotic ones! After all if he can assemble a roster of Bionic Men he could get at least 6-million dollars for each of them (right Steve Austin?) Thus begins the creation of Mike Pelfry: Bionic Man! http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-jPXBk3FFl0c/UUkWnooVmzI/AAAAAAAACIA/JQfV5PfgNR0/s1600/BionicPelf.jpg Positive Cheers: Na-na-na-na-na-na....na-na-na-na-na-na-na....; BETTER, FASTER, STRONGER! Less-than Positive Cheers: Do you need some WD-40? Nyyyeah-nyyyeah-nya-nyyeah-nyyyyeeeeaaaahhh!!

The Twins season begins in less than 1 week! And yet there are still more players to meet as we continue to get to know our versions of the major league roster. Meet Brian Dozier! (Second Baseman/Infielder) Player's Background: A small, scrappy infielder out of Mississippi, Brian Dozier earned the attention of Twin scouts at the University of Southern Mississippi (presumably because the same year he was drafted Brett Favre [another Southern Miss grad] was working out in Hattiesburg). After just three years in the minors (a very swift ascension by Twins standards) he was given a shot to play at short stop, and struggled after some early success. Now, like many Twins infield prospects of the past, he will move from short stop to second base because c'mon-it-has-to-work-sometime-doesn't-it? Alternate Background: While attending Itawamba Agricultural High School (seriously...that's his high school) Brian was grazed by a radioactive piece of farm equipment that allowed him to morph into any piece of heavy machinery he wanted. Since that superpower kind of stinks and Dozier thought he might turn into a power hitter some day he chose to become the mighty BRIAN-DOZER! Unfortunately, he never did become a power hitter but remained an adorable, lovable, scrappy middle-infielder. So his brief displays of power are coupled with the tendency to demolish things, like tailor-made double play balls. But hey, if he can ever harness his power for good rather than destruction...WOO! http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-qgQNCN1gq50/UUkWnpa0vwI/AAAAAAAACH8/ae81VD_yLGA/s320/BrianDozer.jpg Positive Cheers: Demolish it Dozer/Dozier! Less-than Positive Cheers: Don't make us trade you for a Tonka truck! Meet Mike Pelfry! (Pitcher) Player's Background: A highly touted college prospect form Wichita State, Pelfry leapt to the major leagues shortly after being drafted by the New York Mets. He has been frequently inconsistent throughout his career with flashes of brilliance (complete games, 10-1 stretches) and incompetence (a +5.00 ERA and leading the majors in balks), so when he required Tommy John surgery the Mets were fine with let the high priced 29 year old walk. Alternate Background: The successful elbow surgery has made Pelfry a candidate for the Twins' rotation this year, much to the delight of his agent/mad-genius: Scott Boras. In Pelfry, Boras has the perfect test subject for his latest attempt to sucker the baseball establishment--slowly replacing human parts with robotic ones! After all if he can assemble a roster of Bionic Men he could get at least 6-million dollars for each of them (right Steve Austin?) Thus begins the creation of Mike Pelfry: Bionic Man! http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-jPXBk3FFl0c/UUkWnooVmzI/AAAAAAAACIA/JQfV5PfgNR0/s1600/BionicPelf.jpg Positive Cheers: Na-na-na-na-na-na....na-na-na-na-na-na-na....; BETTER, FASTER, STRONGER! Less-than Positive Cheers: Do you need some WD-40? Nyyyeah-nyyyeah-nya-nyyeah-nyyyyeeeeaaaahhh!!

It's your last chance to cruise over to our original site and vote for the PFH Hall of Fame: honoring the funnest Twins players in the history of our blogging. We're a week into getting to know OUR versions of the Minnesota Twins. And while there's plenty to cheer for already, there are others we have yet to meet...so here we go! Meet Trevor Plouffe! (Third Baseman/Infielder) Player's Background: Drafted in 2004, Plouffe's rise to prominence has been a whole lot more "mediocre" than "meteoric". After six years in the minors he debuted with mixed results in 2010 and continued to yo-yo between the majors and AAA until last year, when a power surge boosted him to starter status and cemented him at third base...at least until injury and inconsistency dislodge him again Alternate Background: As a child of the 80s and 90s Plouffe (like many blog-savvy young Twins fans) knows a thing or two about classic hip-hop, and (as first spotted by Diamond Centric) his last name can work perfectly in awkward puns based on popular songs from that era. Meaning that no matter how he plays on a given day there's a photoshop to suit it. http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-zY1QialCYbQ/UUkPnoLgOsI/AAAAAAAACHw/xwh2vaLIPHc/s320/GoodPlouffe-BadPlouffe.jpg Positive Cheers: Yeah Plouffe Daddy! Yeah Plouffe Diddy! Plouffe there it is! Less-than Positive Cheers: Plouffe let the dogs out, GET HIM!! You can't hit in Hammer's old Plouffe-y pants!! Meet Kevin Corriea! (Starting Pitcher) Player's Background: Unlike Plouffe, Corriea [pronounced Ko-ray-uh...not Ko-ree-uh as my kimchi loving self would prefer] had a swift ascent to the majors, debuting with the Giants a year after they drafted him (in 2003). Ten years and three teams later, Correia has some fine accomplishments (60 wins, 712 strikeouts, 1 All-Star team) and a brand new two year $10 million contract. Alternate Background: Kevin Corriea ruined everything. Kevin Correia is responsible for the sequester, the continued reign of Bashar al-Asad in Syria, and the horrific 9th season of The Office. Signing Kevin Corriea has doomed not only the Twins' season but all Minnesota sports EVER. Which means, he's doing a bang up job because while Kevin Correia might have been signed to be a pitcher, what Kevin Corriea has become is: THE OFFICIAL TWINS' SCAPEGOAT FOR 2013! So take a bow Kevin, gnaw on a can, and know that (like Matt Capps before you) we'll love you just as long as we can blame you! ($10 million ought to ease that pain, right?) http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-iozSigXzsU4/UUkPnjPXzmI/AAAAAAAACHs/z8sqLQQDxrk/s320/Scapegoat Positive Cheers: Way to ruin everything! Thank goodness it's all your fault! Less-than Positive Cheers: Easy Kevin, easy, don't get too successful or we'll have to reevaluate our blind hatred of you!

It's your last chance to cruise over to our original site and vote for the PFH Hall of Fame: honoring the funnest Twins players in the history of our blogging. We're a week into getting to know OUR versions of the Minnesota Twins. And while there's plenty to cheer for already, there are others we have yet to meet...so here we go! Meet Trevor Plouffe! (Third Baseman/Infielder) Player's Background: Drafted in 2004, Plouffe's rise to prominence has been a whole lot more "mediocre" than "meteoric". After six years in the minors he debuted with mixed results in 2010 and continued to yo-yo between the majors and AAA until last year, when a power surge boosted him to starter status and cemented him at third base...at least until injury and inconsistency dislodge him again Alternate Background: As a child of the 80s and 90s Plouffe (like many blog-savvy young Twins fans) knows a thing or two about classic hip-hop, and (as first spotted by Diamond Centric) his last name can work perfectly in awkward puns based on popular songs from that era. Meaning that no matter how he plays on a given day there's a photoshop to suit it. http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-zY1QialCYbQ/UUkPnoLgOsI/AAAAAAAACHw/xwh2vaLIPHc/s320/GoodPlouffe-BadPlouffe.jpg Positive Cheers: Yeah Plouffe Daddy! Yeah Plouffe Diddy! Plouffe there it is! Less-than Positive Cheers: Plouffe let the dogs out, GET HIM!! You can't hit in Hammer's old Plouffe-y pants!! Meet Kevin Corriea! (Starting Pitcher) Player's Background: Unlike Plouffe, Corriea [pronounced Ko-ray-uh...not Ko-ree-uh as my kimchi loving self would prefer] had a swift ascent to the majors, debuting with the Giants a year after they drafted him (in 2003). Ten years and three teams later, Correia has some fine accomplishments (60 wins, 712 strikeouts, 1 All-Star team) and a brand new two year $10 million contract. Alternate Background: Kevin Corriea ruined everything. Kevin Correia is responsible for the sequester, the continued reign of Bashar al-Asad in Syria, and the horrific 9th season of The Office. Signing Kevin Corriea has doomed not only the Twins' season but all Minnesota sports EVER. Which means, he's doing a bang up job because while Kevin Correia might have been signed to be a pitcher, what Kevin Corriea has become is: THE OFFICIAL TWINS' SCAPEGOAT FOR 2013! So take a bow Kevin, gnaw on a can, and know that (like Matt Capps before you) we'll love you just as long as we can blame you! ($10 million ought to ease that pain, right?) http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-iozSigXzsU4/UUkPnjPXzmI/AAAAAAAACHs/z8sqLQQDxrk/s320/Scapegoat Positive Cheers: Way to ruin everything! Thank goodness it's all your fault! Less-than Positive Cheers: Easy Kevin, easy, don't get too successful or we'll have to reevaluate our blind hatred of you!

As always this post can be seen in it's more easily formatted glory at our original site (where you can vote for a Twins player to go into our "Hall of Fame"...which given the calibre of my writing is a rather dubious honor) It's time continue our introductions to this year's Minnesota Twins...if you're just joining us: we're here to answer that increasingly common question on Twins' fans (chapped) lips: "who the heck is that guy?" And we'll do it in the most Minnesotan way we know how: by providing you facts (player's background), fiction (the alternate background we used to dream up the photoshop), fandom (ways to cheer for them) and flattery (less positive cheers, aka Minnesota "Nice" comments) Let's get started! Meet Darin Mastroianni! (Outfielder) Player's Background: A little regarded prospect, Mastroianni was picked up by the Blue Jays in the 16th round of 2007 draft and proved surprisingly adept at the game, by passing other higher rated prospects to break through with the Jays in 2011. Because Toronto went all batty for Jose Batista (and his whole "I hit a lot of home runs" thing, Mastoianni and his "I-get-the-occasional-slap-single-and-always-hustle" thing were expendable. But since that skill set is worth a mint in Minnesota, Mastroianni made his way to the land of 10,000 lakes Alternate Background: Terry Ryan sent scouts to explore distant, hitherto unknown minor leagues. One scout walked through an old wardrobe into the frigid northern climes of Canardia (where it probably still snows in March or something). There he found a center fielder who was half-man, half-goat. "Wow!" thought the scout "I bet he has tremendous range in the outfield, and if he can just get a few slap singles and always hustle he could be our starting center fielder!" And so the scout lured the satyr out of the wardrobe and into the Twins line-up. (Seriously though...look at that beard, he's Mr. Tumnus' Italian cousin) http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Y0GRkD39IMg/UUkCozm6ceI/AAAAAAAACHc/Y3pzr88SwyU/s320/DarrinTumnus.jpg Positive Cheers: Go-Go-Goat Boy! They call him, MR. Tumnus! Less-than Positive Cheers: Cut back on the Turkish Delight next time! Find a more contemporary children's fantasy novel to rip off! (oops, that's directed at me) Meet Vance Worley! (Starting Pitcher) Player's Background: A life-long Californian Worley rose to prominence with the Philadelphia Phillies, when he started the 2011 season behind the four horsemen of Roy Halladay, Cliff Lee, Cole Hamels and Roy Oswalt. A great rookie season seemed a promising start, but arm injuries and a sophomore slump hurt his stock. Still at just 25 years old, Worley is a promising starter to add to a god-awful...decrepit...less-than excellent Twins rotation (even if he cost us Ben Revere). Alternate Background: Nicknamed "Vanimal" for his mohawk and rugged demeanor by Phillies phans (everything's spelled with a ph out there); we have no choice but to co-opt that nickname and complicate it by adding in a muppet...because everything is always better with a muppet! (Note that instead of Animal's [all rights reserved] catchphrase: "BEAT DRUMS!" the Vanimal simply says: "NEED RUNS!" [which can mean either he needs runs to support his fine pitching, or he needs to give up as many runs as possible because he's on some kind of bad trip]) http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-nuTC_itwa5M/UUkCowhEIhI/AAAAAAAACHg/Tl7BBAD_iCs/s320/Vanimal.jpg Positive Cheers: VANIMAL NEED RUNS!! Less-than Positive Cheers: VANIMAL NEED RUNS!!

As always this post can be seen in it's more easily formatted glory at our original site (where you can vote for a Twins player to go into our "Hall of Fame"...which given the calibre of my writing is a rather dubious honor) It's time continue our introductions to this year's Minnesota Twins...if you're just joining us: we're here to answer that increasingly common question on Twins' fans (chapped) lips: "who the heck is that guy?" And we'll do it in the most Minnesotan way we know how: by providing you facts (player's background), fiction (the alternate background we used to dream up the photoshop), fandom (ways to cheer for them) and flattery (less positive cheers, aka Minnesota "Nice" comments) Let's get started! Meet Darin Mastroianni! (Outfielder) Player's Background: A little regarded prospect, Mastroianni was picked up by the Blue Jays in the 16th round of 2007 draft and proved surprisingly adept at the game, by passing other higher rated prospects to break through with the Jays in 2011. Because Toronto went all batty for Jose Batista (and his whole "I hit a lot of home runs" thing, Mastoianni and his "I-get-the-occasional-slap-single-and-always-hustle" thing were expendable. But since that skill set is worth a mint in Minnesota, Mastroianni made his way to the land of 10,000 lakes Alternate Background: Terry Ryan sent scouts to explore distant, hitherto unknown minor leagues. One scout walked through an old wardrobe into the frigid northern climes of Canardia (where it probably still snows in March or something). There he found a center fielder who was half-man, half-goat. "Wow!" thought the scout "I bet he has tremendous range in the outfield, and if he can just get a few slap singles and always hustle he could be our starting center fielder!" And so the scout lured the satyr out of the wardrobe and into the Twins line-up. (Seriously though...look at that beard, he's Mr. Tumnus' Italian cousin) http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Y0GRkD39IMg/UUkCozm6ceI/AAAAAAAACHc/Y3pzr88SwyU/s320/DarrinTumnus.jpg Positive Cheers: Go-Go-Goat Boy! They call him, MR. Tumnus! Less-than Positive Cheers: Cut back on the Turkish Delight next time! Find a more contemporary children's fantasy novel to rip off! (oops, that's directed at me) Meet Vance Worley! (Starting Pitcher) Player's Background: A life-long Californian Worley rose to prominence with the Philadelphia Phillies, when he started the 2011 season behind the four horsemen of Roy Halladay, Cliff Lee, Cole Hamels and Roy Oswalt. A great rookie season seemed a promising start, but arm injuries and a sophomore slump hurt his stock. Still at just 25 years old, Worley is a promising starter to add to a god-awful...decrepit...less-than excellent Twins rotation (even if he cost us Ben Revere). Alternate Background: Nicknamed "Vanimal" for his mohawk and rugged demeanor by Phillies phans (everything's spelled with a ph out there); we have no choice but to co-opt that nickname and complicate it by adding in a muppet...because everything is always better with a muppet! (Note that instead of Animal's [all rights reserved] catchphrase: "BEAT DRUMS!" the Vanimal simply says: "NEED RUNS!" [which can mean either he needs runs to support his fine pitching, or he needs to give up as many runs as possible because he's on some kind of bad trip]) http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-nuTC_itwa5M/UUkCowhEIhI/AAAAAAAACHg/Tl7BBAD_iCs/s320/Vanimal.jpg Positive Cheers: VANIMAL NEED RUNS!! Less-than Positive Cheers: VANIMAL NEED RUNS!!

Are you sure those two things are mutually exclusive?

I don't know what's sadder: the fact that I pepper my Twins postings with puns as bad (or usually worse) than these, or the fact that I wish I'd thought of these puns first. Great job with a very funny post...I don't suppose you actually made any Brandon Poggs...did you?

Continuing our series that aims to answer the question "who the heck is that guy?" [both here and on our other blog]: we're here to tell you about prominent Twins, and we'll do it in the most Minnesotan way we know how: by providing you facts (player's background), fiction (the alternate background we used to dream up the photoshop), fandom (ways to cheer for them) and flattery (less positive cheers, aka Minnesota "Nice" comments) Let's get started! Meet Ryan Doumit! (Back Up Catcher/DH) Player's Background: After several years of productive and unheralded play, Ryan Doumit left Pittsburgh to come to Minnesota (which really wasn't going to help with the heralding part of things but...anyhoo). Doumit was so effective with a bat in his hands that the Twins gave him an extended contract in the middle of the season, just to keep him around...maybe. Alternate Background: Ryan Doumit likes baseball. He also likes leaving the first few buttons on his jersey undone. Perhaps it's his style, or perhaps he's trying to keep the ogling fans happy. One way or another his immodest buttoning makes him seem less like Ryan Doumit professional ball-player and more like "Ryan Suuuuaaaave!" professional model. http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-xOkp66w5UoA/UUZ-vXeBzVI/AAAAAAAACHM/Qrhl_gWkKMo/s1600/Ryan+Suave.jpg Positive Cheers: (In the style of Gerrado's famous song) Ry-an! Suuuuuaaaa-ve! Less-than Positive Cheers: Um...Ryan...would mind...buttoning up, it makes the rest of us self conscious. Meet Brian Duensing! (Left Handed Reliever) Player's Background: Coming out of the University of Nebraska, Brian Duensing was hardly the most impressive Husker pitcher, especially given that his fellow hurler Joba Chamberlain ate most of the other pitchers in Lincoln. Yet Duensing survived and made it to the majors where he found improbable success. Improbable enough to make him the game 1 starter against the Yankees in the 2009 playoffs (and to get him a start in the 2010 playoffs too)...he lost both times and now is a relief pitcher. Alternate Background: Brian Duensing was born on the day that disco died and he took it upon himself to make sure that it never actually died. Since his name can be pronounced in close approximation of "dancing" the puns (and ugly photoshops) are seemingly endless! http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-C83eo0aqaoY/UUZ-vejCmRI/AAAAAAAACHE/V3m2GHxEfec/s320/DiscoDuensing.jpg Positive Cheers: You make me feel like Duensing! (I want to Duense the night away!) Duense, Duense, Revolution! Less-than Positive Cheers: Don't make us turn Target Field into the small town from Footloose! Disco Sucks!

Continuing our series that aims to answer the question "who the heck is that guy?" [both here and on our other blog]: we're here to tell you about prominent Twins, and we'll do it in the most Minnesotan way we know how: by providing you facts (player's background), fiction (the alternate background we used to dream up the photoshop), fandom (ways to cheer for them) and flattery (less positive cheers, aka Minnesota "Nice" comments) Let's get started! Meet Ryan Doumit! (Back Up Catcher/DH) Player's Background: After several years of productive and unheralded play, Ryan Doumit left Pittsburgh to come to Minnesota (which really wasn't going to help with the heralding part of things but...anyhoo). Doumit was so effective with a bat in his hands that the Twins gave him an extended contract in the middle of the season, just to keep him around...maybe. Alternate Background: Ryan Doumit likes baseball. He also likes leaving the first few buttons on his jersey undone. Perhaps it's his style, or perhaps he's trying to keep the ogling fans happy. One way or another his immodest buttoning makes him seem less like Ryan Doumit professional ball-player and more like "Ryan Suuuuaaaave!" professional model. http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-xOkp66w5UoA/UUZ-vXeBzVI/AAAAAAAACHM/Qrhl_gWkKMo/s1600/Ryan+Suave.jpg Positive Cheers: (In the style of Gerrado's famous song) Ry-an! Suuuuuaaaa-ve! Less-than Positive Cheers: Um...Ryan...would mind...buttoning up, it makes the rest of us self conscious. Meet Brian Duensing! (Left Handed Reliever) Player's Background: Coming out of the University of Nebraska, Brian Duensing was hardly the most impressive Husker pitcher, especially given that his fellow hurler Joba Chamberlain ate most of the other pitchers in Lincoln. Yet Duensing survived and made it to the majors where he found improbable success. Improbable enough to make him the game 1 starter against the Yankees in the 2009 playoffs (and to get him a start in the 2010 playoffs too)...he lost both times and now is a relief pitcher. Alternate Background: Brian Duensing was born on the day that disco died and he took it upon himself to make sure that it never actually died. Since his name can be pronounced in close approximation of "dancing" the puns (and ugly photoshops) are seemingly endless! http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-C83eo0aqaoY/UUZ-vejCmRI/AAAAAAAACHE/V3m2GHxEfec/s320/DiscoDuensing.jpg Positive Cheers: You make me feel like Duensing! (I want to Duense the night away!) Duense, Duense, Revolution! Less-than Positive Cheers: Don't make us turn Target Field into the small town from Footloose! Disco Sucks!

This is the start of a new series available at Peanuts from Heaven! and our partnered site at Twins Daily. While many of the people who check out this website are serious seam-heads, committed to knowing the depth charts from Minnesota through Elizabethton, not everyone knows that much...so in an effort to get new fans committed we offer a quirkier look at the local 9. These are not "your Minnesota Twins," they aren't the guys who run out on to the field to the strains of "We're Gonna Win Twins. Instead they are "our Minnesota Twins" the quirky, imaginary, alternate identities cooked up by Stinky, Smelly (and sometimes our family members). Basically they are the (hopefully) intentionally funny versions of the team that we watch and love day in and day out. We'll chronicle their success and their failures because, well, that's what we do. If you'd rather read about OPSes and ERA+, a few clicks on this site will give you all that, but if you'd rather read about the best baseball efforts of pirates, disco dancers, satyrs, puffy-pants wearers and bionic men...well..that's where we come in. We'll introduce you to the most prominent Twins (not named Mauer/Morneau) in the most Minnesotan way we know how: by providing you facts (player's background), fiction (the alternate background we used to dream up the photoshop), fandom (ways to cheer for them) and flattery (less positive cheers, aka Minnesota "Nice" comments) Let's get started! Meet Josh Willingham! (Left Fielder) Player's Background: You might remember Josh Willingham from such things as "not being Michael Cuddyer" and "actually hitting home runs"! Willingham came to the Twins from Oakland in 2012 and endeared himself to casual and serious fans by playing baseball well. http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-YlUCvjyrGtc/UUZ5KDMR4CI/AAAAAAAACG4/yoENdVF5ko8/s320/Willinghammer.jpg Alternate Background: With his sudden appearance offering a jolt of offense to an otherwise stagnant line-up (and the fact that his name includes "ham" in it) it's easy to picture Josh Willingham as our very own low budget version of Thor: The WillingHAMMER! Besides, he's got a bit of a Norse look going for him anyway, and I've yet to see proof that Thor never wore eye black. Positive Cheers: Send it to Aasgard! By the power of Mjolnir!! Please don't sue us Stan Lee!! Less-Positive Cheers: Drat you Ice Giants!! Is your head up your Aasgard?! Thou art poopy!! Meet Glen Perkins! (Closer) Player's Background: Once upon a time, Glen Perkins was a kid from Stillwater who became an ace starter for the home town 9 (he racked up an impressive 12-4 record in the improbable 2008 season). Then there were some arm issues, some cranky recriminations from both him and the Twins about rehabbing, but once he transitioned over to the bullpen, he was a fan-favorite once more. [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-PePAwiGjPo4/SS7nrwbfrnI/AAAAAAAAA9c/A0ds7AqGVzo/s200/Cap%2527n+Joe+Nathan.jpg [/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]The original Dread Pirate Nathan [/TD] [/TABLE] Alternate Background: Once upon a time, Glen Perkins was a kid from Stillwater who set out to seek his fortune in baseball. However he ran afoul of the Dread Pirate Joe Nathan, who never left captives or batters alive. Yet Dread Pirate Joe Nathan took pity on Glen Perkins and allowed him to be a valet (though he always promised to kill him in the morning). Then the Dread Pirate Nathan grew so rich that he wanted to retire (and live like a king in Patagonia...or Texas..which is near Patagonia I think), so he ceded his powers to Glen Perkins...but since "The Dread Pirate Perkins" sounds like a very lame attempt to hipster up a family restaurant he has kept the "Dread Pirate Nathan" name and mannerisms. [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container, align: center] http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-RO57DEbskwI/UUZ5KHyLsUI/AAAAAAAACG0/GP0PJVQ9NUk/s320/DreadPiratePerkins.jpg [TD=class: tr-caption]The new Dread Pirate Nathan [/TD] [/TABLE] Positive Cheers: YARR! AVAST!! BLARGERAGERAGH!!! Less-Positive Cheers: Shoot, I could have sworn that Blown Saves of Unusual Size didn't exist! Don't worry everyone he's only mostly dead! BLAGERAGHERAGH! Keep tuning in to Peanuts From Heaven for more of OUR Minnesota Twins!

This is the start of a new series available at Peanuts from Heaven! and our partnered site at Twins Daily. While many of the people who check out this website are serious seam-heads, committed to knowing the depth charts from Minnesota through Elizabethton, not everyone knows that much...so in an effort to get new fans committed we offer a quirkier look at the local 9. These are not "your Minnesota Twins," they aren't the guys who run out on to the field to the strains of "We're Gonna Win Twins. Instead they are "our Minnesota Twins" the quirky, imaginary, alternate identities cooked up by Stinky, Smelly (and sometimes our family members). Basically they are the (hopefully) intentionally funny versions of the team that we watch and love day in and day out. We'll chronicle their success and their failures because, well, that's what we do. If you'd rather read about OPSes and ERA+, a few clicks on this site will give you all that, but if you'd rather read about the best baseball efforts of pirates, disco dancers, satyrs, puffy-pants wearers and bionic men...well..that's where we come in. We'll introduce you to the most prominent Twins (not named Mauer/Morneau) in the most Minnesotan way we know how: by providing you facts (player's background), fiction (the alternate background we used to dream up the photoshop), fandom (ways to cheer for them) and flattery (less positive cheers, aka Minnesota "Nice" comments) Let's get started! Meet Josh Willingham! (Left Fielder) Player's Background: You might remember Josh Willingham from such things as "not being Michael Cuddyer" and "actually hitting home runs"! Willingham came to the Twins from Oakland in 2012 and endeared himself to casual and serious fans by playing baseball well. http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-YlUCvjyrGtc/UUZ5KDMR4CI/AAAAAAAACG4/yoENdVF5ko8/s320/Willinghammer.jpg Alternate Background: With his sudden appearance offering a jolt of offense to an otherwise stagnant line-up (and the fact that his name includes "ham" in it) it's easy to picture Josh Willingham as our very own low budget version of Thor: The WillingHAMMER! Besides, he's got a bit of a Norse look going for him anyway, and I've yet to see proof that Thor never wore eye black. Positive Cheers: Send it to Aasgard! By the power of Mjolnir!! Please don't sue us Stan Lee!! Less-Positive Cheers: Drat you Ice Giants!! Is your head up your Aasgard?! Thou art poopy!! Meet Glen Perkins! (Closer) Player's Background: Once upon a time, Glen Perkins was a kid from Stillwater who became an ace starter for the home town 9 (he racked up an impressive 12-4 record in the improbable 2008 season). Then there were some arm issues, some cranky recriminations from both him and the Twins about rehabbing, but once he transitioned over to the bullpen, he was a fan-favorite once more. [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-PePAwiGjPo4/SS7nrwbfrnI/AAAAAAAAA9c/A0ds7AqGVzo/s200/Cap%2527n+Joe+Nathan.jpg [/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]The original Dread Pirate Nathan [/TD] [/TABLE] Alternate Background: Once upon a time, Glen Perkins was a kid from Stillwater who set out to seek his fortune in baseball. However he ran afoul of the Dread Pirate Joe Nathan, who never left captives or batters alive. Yet Dread Pirate Joe Nathan took pity on Glen Perkins and allowed him to be a valet (though he always promised to kill him in the morning). Then the Dread Pirate Nathan grew so rich that he wanted to retire (and live like a king in Patagonia...or Texas..which is near Patagonia I think), so he ceded his powers to Glen Perkins...but since "The Dread Pirate Perkins" sounds like a very lame attempt to hipster up a family restaurant he has kept the "Dread Pirate Nathan" name and mannerisms. [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container, align: center] http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-RO57DEbskwI/UUZ5KHyLsUI/AAAAAAAACG0/GP0PJVQ9NUk/s320/DreadPiratePerkins.jpg [TD=class: tr-caption]The new Dread Pirate Nathan [/TD] [/TABLE] Positive Cheers: YARR! AVAST!! BLARGERAGERAGH!!! Less-Positive Cheers: Shoot, I could have sworn that Blown Saves of Unusual Size didn't exist! Don't worry everyone he's only mostly dead! BLAGERAGHERAGH! Keep tuning in to Peanuts From Heaven for more of OUR Minnesota Twins!

I know you love the Twins brother, it's just...--My little brother, January 2013. For her birthday, I took Stinky, aka Mrs. Peanut, aka the co-founder of this blog, aka my wife, to Chicago to see her sister and a whole pile of friends. We had a great time, trying great restaurants, escaping "bro-bars" and celebrating the fact that she has continued to cheat death for another year. My wife's sister lives about a mile down the road from Wrigley Field, and even an American League man like myself snuck peeks down the side streets to admire the classic stone facade, the old flags flapping in the chilly February breeze and dream of the day (soon) when baseball would be back. The neighborhood had a whole lot of Cubbie paraphernalia, not to mention bars, souvenir shops, bars, bookstores brimming with Cub memoirs, and bars to cater to the wide flung crowds of fans who--though currently hibernating--love to come out in the summer. And while I looked down the way to dream of spring, all those souls bundled up in their puffy blue and red coats seemed resigned to both the cold and the looming presence of another year and another pack of losses. I don't know, I feel like all my favorites are gone. What team am I even rooting for anymore?--My wife, December 2012. The Twins are not the Cubs...well...not yet anyway. Sure it's been 22 years since our last World Series/American League Championship season, but we've got nothing on the Cub's suffering through bad luck or incompetence. Still, for the first time in a while, wearing the interlocked "TC" feels like a sign that I'm committed to a team that's bound for disappointment. It's been easy to ignore the Twins this winter, and most national news outlets have. After swiftly swapping out center-fielders for pitching prospects, we were relegated to the "other notes" sections of sports pages. The junk drawer of the "Transactions" column where the Mike Pelfry/Rich Harden/Rafael Perez contracts of the world land, next to mutant paperclips and quaint sticky notes. Most "experts" point to 2016 as our most logical date of contention, and even that date assumes that nothing will go wrong with player development or team finances. It'll be a time when most of the current roster is a distant memory. The current players to be guaranteed money for that year are Joe Mauer and Glen Perkins...everyone else might be there or might be dust in the wind. Until then, well, we still have some games to play. Some painful, painful games... Do you really still root for them?--A student on seeing the Twins game on my web browser during study hall September 2012 Do we have a better outfield? No. Do we have a better infield? No. Do we have a better pitching staff? Maybe. Do we stand a chance against the Tigers? No. Do we stand a chance of getting a wild card? No. Do we stand a chance of even seeming competitive after the all-star break? Probably not. And yet, here we are, early March and I've got the itch again. I'm perusing Stub Hub for tickets to see the Twins play in Washington DC (as a chance to take my niece to her first big league ball game). I'm hoping that Bert Blyleven is doing some stealth scouting of Korean and Taiwanese players at the World Baseball Classic. I'm cogitating and considering the wisdom of various 40 man roster spots and all of this despite the fact that I know the Twins are bound for another difficult year. Maybe being a fan means being stupid. Maybe it means being inexplicably loyal to the point that your brother and your wife and even your 15-year-old students question your mental faculties. Maybe it means willfully enlisting for a struggle of a season simply because it seems like the right thing to do. During the aforementioned trip to Chicago, our birthday celebrations took us to a brunch spot (apparently a vital part of any weekend in Chicago). Unfortunately our chosen restaurant had to close due to sudden pipe damage, and on our way out the hostess stopped me. "Excuse me," she said, "are you a Twins fan?" While I normally try to keep a low fan profile in rival towns, the fuzzy hat and embroidered gloves made denying the truth impossible. "Yes," I replied, "yes I am." "Oh my god! ME TOO!" She said with relish, "I don't usually see other Twins fans. I'm so excited for this year! I mean, I know it's going to be rough, but that's what makes us fans right?" Yes, my fellow fanatic, it will be rough. So rough that in order to a win a bet with my wife and father-in-law, I'm banking on the Twins to lose between 88 and 92 games....and I'm the optimistic one! But this is what makes us fans. The ability to find excitement and intrigue even in the most desolate seasons, even when family and friends question your sanity, even when it just does not make sense, that's what makes a fan. So yes, it will be rough, but that is what makes us fans. Just ask the Cubs.