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Axel Kohagen

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Blog Entries posted by Axel Kohagen

  1. Axel Kohagen
    I drive by Target Field nearly every day. In the off-season, it looks like a brand new piece of playground equipment. The next time I go past it, it'll look broken-in.
     
    Target Field's not Yankee stadium, but it deserves history. And what's history without a few ghosts?
     
    Revere was a player with a future. Moving him is smart. Giving up winter dreams about his potential will still hurt.
     
    I was as ready as I could be to lose Span. Losing Revere came as a surprise. I'm an jag-off for not getting Revere to sign my picture of his leaping catch this year.
     
    Others are gone, and more will probably be traded. I don't own a shirsey with the name of a current Twins player on the back of it. The Twinsfest tables holding discounted shirts with departed names on their backs will be overflowing this January.
     
    Things are brewing in the farm systems. A new team dynamic will rise from the ashes of two cruddy seasons and a lack of hope for the future.
     
    At least we're not the Royals, trapped in a beautiful stadium with a team that can't get out of first gear. Maybe if they keep sucking, we can trade for that center field fountain to fill the spot where the trees used to be.
  3. Axel Kohagen
    THE DAY-TO-DAY ZONE
     
    FEAR IN A HANDFUL OF ROSIN PART 3
     
    A MR. HORRORPANTS SCREENPLAY
     
    BASED ON AN IDEA BY MICHAEL HAAS (@digitalHaas)
     


     
    INT. BLACK AND WHITE. A MOD 50s LIVING ROOM. THERE ARE SEVERAL COUCHES MADE UP OF LIGHT GRAY RECTANGLES. A COFFEE TABLE SITS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM, COVERED IN MAGAZINES.
     
    DENARD SPAN ENTERS THE ROOM, LOOKING CONFUSED AND FRUSTRATED. HE SITS ON ONE OF THE COUCHES.
     
    HE SHAKES HIS HEAD AND STARES AT A DOOR IN FRONT OF HIM.
     
    THE DOOR IN FRONT OF HIM IS LABELED "TARGET FIELD - PLAYER'S ENTRANCE."
     
    THE CAMERA PULLS BACK TO REVEAL MR. HORRORPANTS. HE IS WEARING A SUIT AND TIE, AND HIS HAIR IS PARTED TO THE SIDE.
     

    MR. HORRORPANTS
    Another Twin. Another injury. Another ballplayer waits for his chance to play again. When will that chance come?
     
    DENARD SPAN
    (shrugs)
     
    MR. HORRORPANTS
    Some things aren't very clear, in the Day-to-Day Zone.


     
    THE DAY-TO-DAY ZONE THEME PLAYS.
     
    DENARD SPAN, NOW ALONE AGAIN, GOES TO LISTEN TO THE DOOR MARKED "PLAYER'S ENTRANCE." HE HEARS THE SOUNDS OF BASEBALL BEING PLAYED.
     

    DENARD SPAN
    Plouffe, is that you? Plouffey? How'd you get out of here?


     
    THERE IS NO ANSWER.
     
    DENARD SPAN SITS DOWN. HE FANS THROUGH THE MAGAZINE ON THE COFFEE TABLE AND NOTICES SOMETHING HAS BEEN SCRATCHED INTO THE SURFACE OF THE TABLE. SPAN PUSHES THE OTHER MAGAZINES AWAY AND SEES THE PHRASE "THOME WAS HERE!"
     

    DENARD SPAN
    Okay. Relax, Denard. Nobody else has gone through that door, so they need you. This can't be the DL or someone else would've come through that door, right?


     
    DENARD SPAN SLUMPS BACK INTO THE COUCH. AS HE DOES SO, HE NOTICES A FINGERTIP POKING OUT FROM UNDER THE A CUSHION.
     
    DENARD STANDS UP AND RIPS THE COUCH CUSHIONS OFF THE COUCH. HE STAGGERS AND FALLS TO THE GROUND, NARROWLY MISSING THE COFFEE TABLE. HE IS COVERING HIS MOUTH IN SHOCK.
     
    UNDER THE CUSHIONS, STILL WRITHING IN PAIN, IS THE DETACHED ARM AND SHOULDER OF MATT CAPPS.
     

    DENARD SPAN
    It fell off! He was here until it completely fell off!


     
    MR. HORRORPANTS WALKS IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA.
     

    Mr. Horrorpants
    Not a very pretty ending. But, is it an ending? Will it ever end? You can never be sure . . . in the Day-to-Day Zone.


     
    CUE CREDITS, FADE TO BLACK.
     
    (Follow @mrhorrorpants on Twitter. He gets even weirder.)
  4. Axel Kohagen
    CH-CH-CH AH-AH-AH
     
    FEAR IN A HANDFUL OF ROSIN PART 3
     
    A MR. HORRORPANTS SCREENPLAY
     


     
    THE CAMERA PANS OVER AN EMPTY TARGET. DESPITE THE STADIUM'S BARRENNESS, WE CAN HEAR THE SOUNDS OF BASEBALL. PERHAPS THE HAPPY SOUNDS OF THE 2010 SEASON.
     
    MR. HORRORPANTS IS STANDING ALONE AT HOME PLATE. HIS LAB COAT IS FLAPPING IN THE BREEZE.
     
    BEHIND HIM, FROM THE OPPOSING DUGOUT, THE SPECTRAL IMAGE OF JOHAN SANTANA APPEARS.
     

    JOHAN SANTANA
    It's time.
     
    MR. HORRORPANTS
    I knew this day would come. We've all know it.
     
    JOHAN SANTAN
    When the wind is not blowing out of the stadium, it brings HIM.


     
    MR. HORRORPANTS NODS. HE LOOKS INTO CENTER FIELD.
     
    IN CENTER FIELD, THERE IS A LONE FIGURE. HE IS DRESSED LIKE THE GRIM REAPER,BUT BELOW HIS ROBE HE WEARS STIRRUP SOCKS AND CLEATS. HE IS THE BAD TRADE REAPER.
     
    A SINGLE TEAR ROLLS DOWN MR. HORRORPANTS' CHEEK.
     
    THE BAD TRADE REAPER BEGINS TO DO HIS HIDEOUS, AWKWARD DANCE.
     

    MR. HORRORPANTS
    Who does HE come for?
     
    JOHAN SANTANA
    We can never truly know.
     
    MR. HORRORPANTS
    HE takes so much. HE gives back so little.
     
    JOHAN SANTANA
    It has always been HIS way.
     


    THE BAD TRADE REAPER STOPS DANCING AND POINTS TO THE TWINS DUGOUT.
     

    MR. HORRORPANTS
    When does HE begin?


     
    A HAND SUDDENLY GRABS MR. HORRORPANTS' SHOULDER.
     
    THE STARING FACE OF WILSON RAMOS IS LEERING AT HIM
     

    WILSON RAMOS
    Sooner than you think!


  5. Axel Kohagen
    I, for one, suggest we definitely spend some time celebrating Aaron Gleeman on 10 years of maintaining his blog. Gleeman is a succinct and clear writer who never sacrifices quality, even when producing articles in great quantity. He makes it easy to join into online conversation with other Twins fans, and I'm thankful for what he's done.
     
    So with that in mind, the 10 year anniversary of AaronGleeman.com has to go down like it was classic Johnny Carson stuff. Here are some suggestions:
     
    1) Where Are They Now That They've Unfollowed Aaron: Various Twitter users type in prompts until Aaron can guess who the sports personality is and why they unfollowed him.
     
    2) Happy Birthday! A ranked Official Fantasy Girl of the site sings "Happy Birthday, AaronGleeman.com!" to Aaron in a sultry way.
    3) Surprise Twins Geek! In a surprise guest appearance, John Bonnes would arrive and demand to be repaid for all of the off-the-cuff bets Aaron has made on Gleeman and the Geek.
    4) Sending Us Home Soulfully. The man himself gets on the microphone and belts out a soulful seventies number to thank all of his regular readers. Rhinestone jumpsuit optional.
     
    Congrats, Aaron, on a great site and a great standard of excellence!
  6. Axel Kohagen
    TERROR AT THE MARTIN ROMERO INSTITUTE:
     
    FEAR IN A HANDFUL OF ROSIN PART 2
     
    A MR. HORRORPANTS SCREENPLAY


     
    INT. A LIVING ROOM OF AN ABANDONED HOUSE.
     
    Mr. Horrorpants enters the room. He kicks at a crushed plastic beer cup. From the corner, a crouched human being stirs. The crouched stranger stands and reveals himself to be Carl Pavano, dressed as a teenager from the 1950s.
     

    PAVANO
    Nick?
     
    MR. HORRORPANTS
    Something is amiss here!
     
    PAVANO
    They're all gone! All of my friends!
    We thought we were just having a good time, but then people started leaving to examine that abandoned building across the way.


     
    Pavano points out the window. Lightning crashes.
     
    EXT. AN ABANDONED BUSINESS, LABELED "THE MARTIN ROMERO INSTITUTE."
     

    PAVANO
    When they go their, they usually don't come back . . . right.
    If they come back at all.
    Look what happened to Frankie.


     
    Frankie Liriano peeks out over the back of an arm chair. He is wearing a beanie with a propeller on it.
     

    LIRIANO
    Once was a phenom . . .
    Once a phenom . . .
     
    PAVANO
    What if . . . What if . . .
    What if I'm next?
     
    MR. HORRORPANTS
    I don't understand.


     
    Pavano stands and grabs Mr. Horrorpants by the lapels of his lab coat. He shakes Mr. Horrorpants.
     

    PAVANO
    Look at the initials!
    M. R. I.!


     
    Lightning crashes again. Liriano hides behind the chair again.
     
    EXT. MARTIN ROMERO INSTITUTE
     
    The shadow of a man with a cleaver appears in the window.
     
    Maniacal laughter fills the air.
  7. Axel Kohagen
    From: Michael Fakename
    To: Marlins Home Run Feature Design Team.
     
    I. Love. It.
     
    When I said I wanted something that looked like Rainbow Brite puked on a snowglobe, I was just a boy with a dream. You and your design team made this boy's dreams come true!
     
    Can I make one small request? Could you add just ONE MORE Marlin to the display?
     
    I'm envisioning a marlin that comes out of the top of the display, but real slowly. I mean, REALLY slowly. Almost creepy slow. It should just stop for a moment when it gets to the top, like, what's it going to do next? Then, boom! The marlin does a slow backward flip. Then, what's it going to do? Sinks back down behind the display just as slowly as it came!
     
    If you can do that -- Perfection!
     
    Michael Fakename
     
    [video=youtube_share;1kOIp0gUDMM]http://youtu.be/1kOIp0gUDMM
  8. Axel Kohagen
    IT'S ALIV . . . NO, NOPE. IT'S NOT. SORRY:
     
    FEAR IN A HANDFUL OF ROSIN PART 1
     
    A MR. HORRORPANTS SCREENPLAY
     
     


     
    INT. MAD SCIENTIST'S CASTLE. MR. HORRORPANTS IS WEARING A LAB COAT AND STANDING IN FRONT OF A LARGE BODY ON A SLAB. HE IS ACCOMPANIED BY STELLA, HIS TRUSTY ASSISTANT GREAT DANE.
     
    Mr. Horrorpants pulls a sheet off of the body on the slab to reveal a Frankenstein creation wearing a Minnesota Twins Jersey. On the sleeve is a patch revealing the creation represents Minnesota Twins Fan Spirit.

    MR. HORRORPANTS
    Stella, why won't Twins Fan Spirit rise and live again?


     
    Stella blinks, then finds a patch of straw to lie down upon.
     
     
    Mr. Horrorpants lifts a weak, poorly stitched together arm from the creature's side.
     

    MR. HORRORPANTS
     
    The arms! We needed better arms to inspire life to beat in the creature's chest!
    These arms are used and poorly stitched together!
    These feet are easily tangled! The eyes cannot see!


     
    Stella is already bored and asleep. Mr. Horrorpants looks out the window of Castle Horrorpants.
     
    EXT. A DIRT ROAD IN THE COUNTRYSIDE. A MOB OF ANGRY TWINS FANS MARCH TOWARD THE CASTLE. THEY CARRY TORCHES AND CHANT NAMES LIKE "PUNTO" AND "RADKE" AND "HUNTER."
     
    INT. THE CASTLE.
     

    MR. HORRORPANTS
    Maybe it has been dead for TOO LONG!
    If the creature could have been revived last year, maybe we would have stood a chance!
    We should NEVER have waited so long.


     
    The villagers now pound loudly on the castle door. From an open window, bottles and empty cups begin to fly into the room.
     

    MR. HORRORPANTS
    Stella, it's worse than I feared! The Twins fans are so angry they're prepared for Knoblauching!
    Quick! Call Tom Kelly.


     
    Stella is already snoring.
     
    Mr. Horrorpants turns back to the Twins 2012 Season. He shakes his head and grabs his EKG defibrillator paddles.
     

    MR. HORRORPANTS
    This experiment has just begun.
    There must be SOME spark that could salvage it.


     
    The castle door loudly splinters and falls apart under the onslaught of the frustrated Twins fans.
     

    MR. HORRORPANTS
    Hold off, fans!
    There's still time . . .


     
    The angry villagers keep advancing . . .
  9. Axel Kohagen
    The following are my thoughts on the blogger versus journalist "debate." They are largely unresearched and completely subjective, but I hope they offer something to the public discussion.
     
    1) It's not really a debate. This discussion is about the journalistic appraisal of the talent of the blogging community. I don't believe the discussion lends itself toward critiquing the journalistic community. Some mainstream journalists (Jon Heyman comes to mind) get more blogger abuse than others, but usually this vitriol is directed toward an individual and not a community.
     
    2) Nothing is really at stake. Bloggers will keep blogging regardless of criticism. Having a blog is a free way to get your opinions out to the entire world. It's unlikely public disfavor would stop people from complaining about things on the internet - especially when it's free to do so.
     
    What's it all about? This is my informal conclusion:
     
    Conclusion: We fear change.
    If you have bloggers writing from the outside and journalists writing form the inside, you have two separate views of reality within a particular sports world. If you're comfortable living in a world without absolute, yes-or-no answers, this is not likely to upset you.
     
    However . . . if you need heroes and villains, having multiple views on a topic means you have to identify who is right and who is wrong. If you're from the side losing power, you'll pick the other side to play the bad guy. It's what people do when they're scared.
     
    In some ways, we should all be scared of losing professional journalistic voices. I wouldn't want to live in a world without professional journalistic standards, where all of the news was written by bloggers. I'm writing this piece while my wife plays Super Mario Brothers. I'm publishing at as "Mr. Horrorpants," a name you're unlikely to see attributed to an article in the New York Times. When I publish it, I will hit a button. I will not submit it to an editor and/or copy editor for approval. No one will check my facts. Blogging IS different, after all.
     
    However, bloggers often provide an informal discussion of my favorite sports teams. Some of them provide news and content that can compete with the pros, and I respect that. I also respect fans with attitude, even if it's more gossip and goofiness than actual news. I work odd hours and I'm not always able to get together with friends or go to a bar to talk about the game. Regular journalism is not adequate in these areas.
     
    Neither bloggers nor journalists are heroes or villains. I suspect a more balanced way of looking at this problem is this:
     
    Sportwriting is becoming more informal. Increased access creates community and offers more opportunities for people to share their voices. It's also likely to create a dip in certain standards of professionalism. We can love this or hate this, but it's not likely to go anywhere.
  10. Axel Kohagen

    Profit and Loss

    By Axel Kohagen,

    Nishioka's demotion to Rochester woke the Internet like a robin singing. At that moment, Spring Training truly arrived. Players without unquestionable abilities are now assets, each compared to similar players and measured for potential value for the team.
     
    When someone like Nishioka is cut early, it adds drama to the entire process. He represents a large investment of time and money, and sending him to the minors so quickly says a lot. This leaves the Twins with a bench spot to fill, and a whole lot of underwhelming players left to fill it.
     
    It seems like a good time to remember one of Bill James' 10 Commandments of Sabermetrics. "Place thy faith not in veterans, when youth be available to ye."
     
    Every season, it seems like the Twins trust in some known quantity ballplayer over taking the chance on a younger player with more potential. Some of those players live up to expectations (Orlandos Hudson and Cabrera acquitted themselves nicely). Others came and left as ghosts of their former selves (Adam Everett and Mike Lamb come to mind). Some are bench players who leave the team without doing much more than handling a glove most of the time and handling a bat more infrequently (Nick Punto representing the best case scenario here, Matt Tolbert the worst).
     
    Right now, the Twins need to re-consider the opportunity cost of trotting their veterans out for another season of the same-old, same-old. Players like Luke Hughes, Alex Burnett, Drew Butera, and Jeff Manship have been in the league long enough to evaluate. If the Twins were a stable, productive team, banking on their continued adequacy might make more sense. However, the Twins need big rewards, and that means they need to take big risks.
     
    Since it'd be ridiculous to assume every big risk would pan out (see, for example, Joel Zumaya), the Twins need to take lots of risks. This may mean risking a 100 loss season, but it might mean finding 1 or 2 players to build on for 2013.
     
    With storm clouds gathering over Justin Morneau and Scott Baker, playing it safe won't uncover new talent. No fan wants another failed season, but paying for one failed season costs less than paying for a string of less-disappointing seasons, if that string stretches on for years and years.
  11. Axel Kohagen
    This morning, I sat down with my granola and Diet Mountain Dew, ready to begin my day. As my hindquarters hit the couch, and before my hand could reach the remote, I noticed a strange presence sitting in a chair in my living room. I was surprised, but somehow I recognized this intruder.
     
    "Jason Tyner?" I asked.
     
    Tyner nodded.
     
    "How did you get in my living room?"
     
    "You're imagining me here," he said. His mouth did not move. "You've been avoiding me inside your own brain, and I had to appear to you before the 2012 Twins baseball season begins."
     
    "What message do you bear, spirit?" I asked. The Tyner-hallucination slapped its forehead in disgust.
     
    "Stop being a diva," he said. "Do you remember when I hit my one home run, ever, as a major leaguer? You thought to yourself I was going to be an All-Star after that."
     
    "Maybe," I said.
     
    "Don't lie to your own imagination!" the Tyner said.
     
    "I guess I just got hopeful," I said. My granola was getting soggy.
     
    "Remember when you said Mike Lamb would solve the Twins infield problems, and then that Joe Crede would? And then that Nishioka would?"
     
    "Okay," I said.
     
    "Remember when you thought Livan Hernandez and Ramon Ortiz were going to be amazing starters for a whole season? Remember saying the 2009 Tigers wouldn't be successful because they were too good?"
     
    "Fine. I get it," I said. "What's your point?"
     
    "Your brain wants you to stop being such a homer, because if you don't you're just going to be a giant, whiny mess by July. You gotta love the game for what it is, not the best case scenario you've concocted in your head. Stop setting yourself up for disappointment."
     
    "Like when you ended your career after getting traded for . . ."
     
    "This isn't about me," the spectral-Tyner said. "I came here for a reason. There's something you need to realize before this season begins."
     
    He held up a picture, and I screamed out loud. He began to fade out of existence.
     
    "You knew it was that already. You know you did," Tyner said as he slowly disappeared. He was right, but like all of the other disappointments he had mentioned, I was trying to keep from thinking about it.
     
    In his hand, the spirit had held a picture of Scott Baker's elbow.
  12. Axel Kohagen
    12 March, 2012.
     
    Ft. Myers, Florida.
     
     
    I trust this Letter finds you Well and in Good Health and Spirit. Tell Mother I miss her Hot Dish Casserole every Day.
     
    I fear this Baseball Season will be what We feared it would be when this Spring Training Campaign began. It is now mid-March, as you can see, and we are still faced with the same Questions of last Year's horrid and shameful Defeat.
     
    The Artillery was splendid yesterday, on 11 March 2012, but surely that one sublime Gift of Providence cannot mask our lack of long ranged Attack Options. The loss of splendid Players like Cuddy and Thome have done little to brighten our Moods. Indeed, some still moan the loss of the one they called Hardy.
     
    We expect to defend Ourselves from The Heathen Foe, but for how long? The Men who lead our Defensive Efforts have not proven able, and yet have much Experience on the Field of Battle. Baker and Liriano show Flashes of True Inspiration, then fall into D---ed Slumps and are Themselves oft wounded. Pavano maintains a hearty Character full of Grit, yet he has aged so. I do not think I like the looks of this Marquis, and the less said about the one called Blackburn the better.
     
    It is difficult to write with any Conviction or Certainty in the time of Preparation, yet one Thing remains clear - There is much to be cautious about in this 2012 Campaign.
     
    Mr. H. Pants, Esq.
     
    PS - If they are to begin singing that "Chicken Fried" Song again, I shall not be able to restrain from splashing my Vomit on the Dugout Floor.
  13. Axel Kohagen
    Last year, as some of you know, I wrote an online novel called The HooseCows. It's about an independent league baseball team where broken ballplayers try to find peace dealing with ballpark ghosts and bad people. It's available at http://www.cfcows.com. Currently, I'm preparing it for publication.
     
    The problem is I missed writing fiction, and I wanted to write something else. I missed having a story to tell, so there was only one thing to do . . .
     
    The new story will have under 5% baseball, and I won't be promoting it here because it wouldn't fit in. However, if you were a fan of The HooseCows, you might like this novel. It takes place in Iowa and deals with love and death for men who live for guitars, bars, and drinking by the river.
     
    Thanks for letting me have a moment of your time, folks.
     
    http://cfcows.com/2012/03/11/the-lonely-bed/
  14. Axel Kohagen
    Between the idea and reality, between the motion and the act, falls the home run Towles hit this afternoon.
     
    We terrible pun men wait by our computers, with our pointer fingers cocked and ready.
     
    We terrible pun men, already awaiting the opportunity to be the first to title a blog post "The End of a But-ERA" when the catcher is dropped from the roster.
     
    In this frozen land, we know only one smart-assed blogger can be the first to use "The End of a But-ERA." And so we wait with eyes watching the southeast, waiting for the moment to arise.
     
    We terrible pun men don't hate the smallish catcher as much as we delight in the small smiles of smugness.
     
    This is the way a pun begins
    This is the way a pun begins
    This is the way a pun begins
    Both with a bang and Butera
     
    (Apologies to Mr. Eliot)
  15. Axel Kohagen
    In my continuing quest to improve the ferocity of Target Field Walk-Up Music, I have had an epiphany.
     
    For around a 100 years, horror movies have hired composers to add intensity to the moment. Why not go with the professionals on this one? After all, some of the Twins players could use a jolt of intensity in the pysch-out department.
     
    Here are some horror themes that would sound mighty smart pumping out the speakers at the ballgame.
     
    Song: "Psycho: A Suite for Strings"
    Composer: Bernard Herrmann
    Chance of Actually Being Used: 1 in 100. Although well-know, it does its job a little too well. Instead of intimidating opposing players, it'd leave them wondering if the hitter kept Mother in the fruit cellar on road trips.
    Potential Player: Glen Perkins, taking the mound. He's enough of a smart-ass to do it, and it kind of fits his whirling dervish attitude.
     
    Song: "Theme from Jaws"
    Composer: John Williams
    Chance of Actually Being Used: 1 in 10. It probably shouldn't be used, because it's famous enough to be a cliche. Also, it'd seem really silly if the player grounded out weakly to first instead of launching one skyward.
    Potential Player: Ben Revere. Because it may be a little mean, but it's a lot funny.
     
    Song: "Godzilla Main Title"
    Composer: Akira Ifukube
    Chance of Actually Being Used: 1 in 4. It's got all the right moments for anticipating and cheering. Also, it's not so over-the-top that a lackluster at bat makes it seem ridiculous.
    Potential Player: Justin Morneau. If he rises from the sea ready to hit again, it'd be a sweet soundtrack for a second act. Especially if he's primarily a DH.
     
     
    Song: "The Thing"
    Composer: Ennio Morricone
    Chance of Actually Being Used: 1 in a Billion. I know, it'd make more sense to use another classic John Carpenter film score -- Halloween. That said, stay with me on this. It's a slow, brooding song about the tension of what might be waiting just below the surface, ready to strike. Which makes it perfect for . . .
    Potential Player: Joe Mauer. Suddenly, all of the quiet grace of the Twins catcher becomes seething potential. Picture it. It's kinda neato.
     
     
    Song: "Gremlins - Suite"
    Composer: Jerry Goldsmith
    Chance of Actually Being Used: 1 in a Billion. Still, it'd be a heckuva thing. This is a uptempo rag, with out of control energy and swagger.
    Potential Player: Alexi Casilla. Because, as with the song, you really aren't sure if he's got it under control.
  16. Axel Kohagen
    September 1st, 2007.
     
    Driving home from a night class at St. Mary's, I turned on the Twins game. Gordo was hinting at something big happening for the guy on the mound. I listened to the game and drove home in a daze. I parked my car and did my best to walk to my back door without running or skipping. Once inside, I turned on the baseball game and called my wife into the living room.
     
    "I can't say what's going on, but look at the numbers on the scoreboard when Scott Baker gets to the mound," I told her.
     
    It was the ninth inning, and Baker lost the no-no walking John Buck. Then, he got the first out. I sat on the edge of the couch and clapped my hands, but it was over after that. Mike Sweeney singled at an opportunity for immortality had to settle for simply being a great. Everyone in the stadium clapped.
     
    "He's going to be good," I told my wife. "He's going to be really good. Just wait."
     
    It's 2012 now. Why am I still waiting?
  17. Axel Kohagen
    Picture it: It's the bottom of the ninth at Target Field. The Twins are down by one and there's a runner on second. For a moment, you forgot there were two outs, and you forgot who was up next. Then, the walk-up music starts . . . and you still can't tell. It's not AC/DC, so it's not Morneau. The guy behind you asks "What song is that?"
     
    A trip to Target Field is a trip to baseball heaven, but the music gets piped in from elevator hell.
     
    Walk-up songs are a cue for fans to believe their hometown hero of the night has got the mettle to knock one out of the park, even if just on that one night. Joe Nathan once commented (couldn't find the source, but would love input if you know) "Stand Up and Shout" got the crowd to their feet. When Thome came to the plate, they played music from 300 and it felt like all hell was gonna break lose.
     
    Here are songs current Twins play that do not bring me to my feet or make me want to shout:
     
    Joe Mauer "What You Know" by TI
    Danny Valencia "All of the Lights" by Kanye and Rihanna/"Over" by Drake
    Drew Butera - "The Show Goes On" by Lupe Fiasco
     
    . . . and "Chicken-Fried," by whoever wrote that horrible song I don't care enough to research.
     
    I'm not biased against any genre of music, and I'll even allow the hated "Beautiful Day" by U2 because it does get people out of their seats. I just think Target Field would be a more exciting place if they banned all music that sounded like it came from a CD titled "Mellow Midwestern Moments," and had Joe Mauer nodding politely on the cover.
     
    I mean, hasn't Morneau's walk-up music taught us anything? Rock and roll AIN'T noise pollution, people.
     
    Axel
     
    (Thanks to http://blogs.citypages.com/gimmenoise/2011/05/minnesota_twins.php for help with tracking down song titles)
  18. Axel Kohagen

    Clubhouse Pin Drops.

    By Axel Kohagen,

    Yesterday, a comment on 1500ESPN by "Everyday" Eddie Guardado took Patrick Reusse and Jim Souhan into a brief rant against the quiet, introverted Twins clubhouse. My first instinct was to write it off as being just another "back in my day we were tougher and manlier" speech.
     
    Then, I started thinking about the relationship between clubhouse dynamics and communication, like I blogged about earlier this week. It seemed to me Olson's concept of cohesiveness applies to this situation.
     
    If the team is quiet and disconnected in the clubhouse (a place we bloggers don't get to go, as another 1500 ESPN host ranted about earlier in the week), it seems to lack cohesiveness. Is this truly a problem? As always, it depends.
     
    LACK OF CLUBHOUSE COHESION COULD BE A PROBLEM IF . . . it leads to disconnected, unmotivated players. If the baseball season goes along and players aren't motivated to add a little extra effort because they don't want to let their buddies down, the lack of cohesiveness would probably take a few wins away from a team. If I were a manager, I'd consider this a problem worth getting involved in.
     
    LACK OF CLUBHOUSE COHESION WOULD NOT BE A PROBLEM IF . . . players were able to create bonds without using the usual towel-snapping, loud joking ways. If the Twins are connected in this way, I wouldn't think there was anything for a manager to worry about at all.
     
    LACK OF CLUBHOUSE COHESION COULD BE BENEFICIAL/DETRIMENTAL DEPENDING ON . . . the overall status of the team. Slower communication could mean slower change to the overall group. If the teams doing well, it means small personal problems would be less likely to disrupt the team. However, now that the Twins are not performing at their best, it suggests the recovery process could be slow going. A manager would benefit from knowing when to gas and when to let the team just keep winning.
     
    After thinking about it, it seems like the Twins being the Twins could make this year even tougher. It also seems like Ron Gardenhire has a unique opportunity to demonstrate his ability to positively impact his team in 2012.
     
    As an afterthought, the Twins said goodbye to several players who had very prominent roles in how the clubhouse operated, positively and negatively. New players will step in to fill these roles in their own way, and that's a part of the baseball season I'm really looking excited to watch develop. Reusse and Souhan thought Ben Revere might find himself a clubhouse voice. I'm not so sure, but I'm excited to find out.
  19. Axel Kohagen

    Butera? Solved!

    By Axel Kohagen,

    The Butera problem goes like this - Drew Butera is both horrible at hitting baseballs and beloved by Twins fans. If only there was a way to keep him around Target Field without letting him get to the plate . . .
     
    Guess what? There is.
     
    Drew Butera should be the Twins mascot.
     
    There are lots of reason why Butera could step into TC Bear's shoes without much difficulty.
     
    -- He's kind of a wee little guy, and it seems like that helps with fitting into mascot suits.
     
    -- Whenever I'm at a game, it seems like Drew's already hanging out TC Bear anyway.
     
    -- He'd be just as lova-squeezable as the big bear.
     
    -- Giant costumed bears are easy to spot. If Drew, in the TC Bear costume, tried to grab a bat and walk to the batter's box he'd be easy to spot. Another player could easily tackle Butera and drag him back to the dugout before it became an official plate appearance for the team and caused irreparable damage to the Twins' chances of winning.
     
    You're welcome, Twins fans. I do all I can.
  20. Axel Kohagen
    If you're a Twins fan, you've questioned Ron Gardenhire's ability to manage. Even if you didn't question it before 2011, you do now. After a catastrophic season, any reasonably minded baseball fan would wonder if the man leaning on the dugout fence is going to fix his team or make it worse.
     
    If you're a fan like me, you're not in the dugout with Ron Gardenhire. Gardy has never coached me, nor has he attempted to coach me. I can analyze his performance based on what I see on television and read about online, but that wouldn't give me enough information.
     
    The debate regarding managing skills might be informed by applying communication models to the task. Specifically, David H. Olson's Circumplex model offers a framework for discussing how managing skills might be understood and evaluated.
     
    Olson's Circumplex Model (you can see what it looks like at this website - http://faculty.plts.edu/gpence/PS1012/images/circumplexmap.jpg) suggests there are multiple ways of being a happy family. Families develop problems in the areas of cohesion and adaptability. As families create more balance, they add stability. There's a tremendous amount of research and analysis on Olson's Circumplex Model, but I'm trying to avoid being overly academic.
     
    There are some interesting overlaps between Olson's views of families and managing a team. For example, Olson's view of cohesion applies directly to managing a baseball team. A team with low cohesion would be a team without connections, and a team with high cohesion would do everything together. Similarly, teams with low adaptability would resist change and teams with high adaptability would be chaotic and always changing. There may already be research further connecting the Circumplex Model to athletics, but I have not researched this idea at this time.
     
    Following this logic, the worst managed teams would combine deficiencies on both axes. A rigidly enmeshed team(low in adaptability, high in cohesion) could be a team where change is fought against and players are expected to do everything together. A chaotically disengaged family (high in adaptability, low in cohesion) would have difficulty even finding a team identify.
     
    Where do managers fit in? For Olson, fixing these problems is aided greatly by communication. The better the manager communicates through problems, the more easily teams would find balance and be able to accomplish goals.
     
    How does this relate to Gardy, and for other MLB managers? I don't think it offers easy answers. Most of team problems in adaptability and cohesion would not be the problem of one manager, but would be a joint effort of the manager, the players, the management, the players who are no longer with the team, the town, team, etc.
     
    Instead, a good manager should be aware (on some level) of these axes. I suspect a manager could do positive work with a team even if he couldn't consciously identify these differences, but I think greater conscious awareness of these problems would be helpful.
     
    Most importantly, it seems good managers communicate well. This is no bombshell, and it's still difficult to analyze when you're not involved with the team. If this article does offer anything to think about, it would be watching the axes of adaptability and cohesion during a manager's tenure. If the symptoms improve or stay stable during a manager's time on the bench, it may be a sign there's a steady hand on the reins.
  21. Axel Kohagen

    Donruss Commons

    By Axel Kohagen,

    We used to bike to the Denver, Iowa, Kwik Trip (before it became Kwik Star) to buy baseball cards. I'd prop my dirt bike up on its kick stand, ignore it when it fell over anyway, and scramble into the store to buy packs of Topps and Donruss baseball cards.
     
    I didn't really know baseball at the time, so every card boasting a name I'd heard of was pure gold to me. I thought I had a pretty sweet collection going until my friends told me all I had were a bunch of commons. I couldn't even pretend like I wasn't hurt.
     
    Last night, listening to Gleeman and the Geek's "Episode 28: My Twin the Car," my stomach flipped over with the same kind of hurt. This nausea had nothing to do with the efforts of Gleeman or Bonnes, who put together another excellent addition of their podcast. Instead, the sickness came from realizing the 2012 Minnesota Twins seem to be largely fillled with Donruss commons.
     
    Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to cheer for the Donruss commons sporting a "TC" on their hat. After 2010, it just seems like there should be more to cheer for on the team.
  22. Axel Kohagen

    Rays of Freaking Sunshine - A Twins Blog

    By Axel Kohagen,


    2022 Season Blog
    Thanks to Apple TV, my family got to watch a Twins game for a change. As luck would have it, we got a good one. The Twins crushed the Rays nine to four. Dingers abounded. I silenced my yelps of delight so my daughter would stay asleep.
    I enjoyed seeing some of the players I’d only heard about on the radio. I’m not sure I knew what Pagan or Larnach looked like. Watching Buxton hit a home run is a lot more fun than just hearing about it. He enjoys every second of his trot around the bases. I didn’t even know that Joe Smith was a sub-mariner.
    Speaking of things I didn’t know – Nobody told me the “Ray” in “Tampa Bay Rays” referred to a ray of sunlight. A harmless, pleasant, butterflies and tweety-birds ray of sunshine. I mean, they try to have it stand for the rays they keep in a pen, too, but is that so much better? To have your mascot be an animal so docile and sweet children can pet it? These used to be DEVIL Rays! That sounds like something malevolent from the sea! Something to fear! Not a little burst of sunlight. Why don’t they just start singing “You Are My Sunshine” instead of “Take Me Out to the Ball Game?”
    Before you say it, I realize the Twins do not exactly sound threatening. Seriously, though, take a good look at Minnie and Paul. They would mess you up if they wanted to. They are big, burly men with bats. And we have a bear. TC may be friendly, but he’s still a bear. You don’t see the Minnesota Twins putting a BEAR petting zoo out in the outfield bleachers.
    The Twins have to be tough from here on out. Have you seen what we’re putting on the mound these days? If the Twins let a guy go for a bucket of balls for an off-season trade, that bucket of balls would probably be pitching a game right about now. It’s bad. We need to get some of our better pitchers off the IL. Soon. It seems like the Twins need to score seven runs a night if they want to win. That’s a lot of pressure on our offense.
    Next up is a midnight series at Seattle. I remember when starting something at 9 PM seemed like a fine thing to do on a week day. Now I’m over forty with a kid. Nothing holy can happen after 9 PM.
  23. Axel Kohagen
    I just asked my wife if my Twins Zubaz still existed.
     
    I have to ask. They’ve seen better days. Their greatest wound is an inch and a half ripped seam in the crotch, rendering them useless for anything public. I’ve thought about mending the tear, but the rest of the Zubaz are worn so thin I imagine they’d tear in ten other places like ice crackling during a spring thaw.
     
    Do I wear them expecting they’ll bring me closer to the Minnesota Twins as I slumber? Absolutely. Pajamas should always be a bridge to pleasant dreams.
     
    In truth, I often dream of going to Twins games. Usually I’m just wandering Target Field, trying to meet up with some group of people I’m supposed to join at the game. Once, despite being in my early forties, I dreamed I was the first runner-up to be the Twins ball boy. They asked me to field a grounder and toss the ball to the coach. When I failed as miserably as I would while I was awake, the other dude got the job.
     
    I actually made the team one evening, but it was a nightmare. Sure, I was excited to be a Minnesota Twin. But I also knew I suck at playing baseball. In my dream, I was taking up a roster spot with no skill. The dilemma - do I tell Coach I shouldn’t be there or wait until he figures it out and drink in the joy of baseball?
     
    Maybe my Twins Zubaz are like a dreamcatcher in reverse, letting out the best parts of baseball dreams and sealing in the existential doom of regular living.
     
    Whether or not your dreams come true, it’s fun to play pretend you’re on the team. If you’ve got your own version of my Twins Zubaz, share some details in the comments. How far do you go? Some nights, I break out the Twins socks and a TC t-shirt and when I wake up, I’m still a guy in his early forties. A guy in his forties with the smile of a goofy twelve-year-old.
     
    My wife will probably kill the Zubaz when I’m not looking. They’re one hole away from being invisible and she preys on weak and wounded clothing. When that day comes, I’ll have to get a new pair immediately. The new pair won’t be as soft and worn-in. They’ll get into game shape in no time, though. It’s spring training for sleep slacks, too.
     
    Pleasant dreams, Twins Territory.
  24. Axel Kohagen
    The Houston Astros.
     
    The team downplayed it. The commissioner spoke on it. The other players weighed in, some enraged at the cheaters, some enraged at the snitchers. Clearly baseball needs another bulky white man’s opinion, but I’ve had difficulty decided exactly how I feel about it.
    I went with “smug” first, typing out a bratty lil piece about wishing the Twins would cheat to get past the Yankees in the post season. Even typed out a draft on my phone:
     
    Maybe we get found out. Maybe it takes a year and then someone snitches. We would still have one year where we were alive and we believed the Twins could beat the Yankees. Just think about THAT for a little bit.
     
    Too soon, maybe. Also, it turns out I do like cheering for the nice guy MLB team. I added some sugar-sweet “Love You, Twins” words into the draft and it still didn’t work.
     
    Apparently I care more about the Twins good sportsmanship than beating the Yankees, or I would have published the quoted article a week ago. The Twins are still Luke Skywalkers in a Han Solo world - at least to me.
     
    Blegh. Am I right?
     
    So it hits me, after I plot a third draft, that I don’t hate the Astros. I don’t particularly feel any sort of way ABOUT the Astros. Shouldn’t they also have to apologize to me for making me care about a pretty good baseball team who cheated their way up to being champions?
     
    The Astros’ World Series victory is like that time Star Wars sold a display box because they didn’t have the action figures ready yet.
     
    It is the way you shrug after you realize the hot-bodied human at the bar gave you a fake phone number.
     
    It is the ten-minute joke your kid forces you to listen to before revealing there is no punchline.
     
    It is when the Team of Destiny is revealed to be just another good baseball team. With spying and thumping.
     
    If you can’t apologize right, apologize WRONG. Villains are more interesting than whatever sad sack shoe-gazing **** show they’re boring us with now.
  25. Axel Kohagen
    2027 AD.
     
    The Playoffs.
     
    Yankee Stadium.
     
    The stands are filled with screeching Yankees fans. Some wear spiked shoulder pads. Some look like the Baseball Furies. Zombies sit in the cheap seats.
     
    Billy Crystal stands on the pitcher's mound, dressed exactly like Tupac in the "California Love" video. He incites the crowd to heightened frenzies. The zombies are having fun.
     
    "Who will the New York Yankees select to play in the playoffs?" Mad Billy shouts.
     
    In the other dugout, the Minnesota Twins are all cowering under blankets. The manager wears Groucho glasses.
    The crowd hushes. Who will they pick?
     
    "Should we pick the Indians?" Billy asks.
     
    "Noooo!" screams the crowd.
     
    "How about the Astros?"
     
    "Nooooo!" screams the crowd.
     
    "Who can we choose?" says Mad Billy Crystal. "Which team will guarantee a Yankees VICTORY?"
     
    "Just spit it out!" shouts one of the Minnesota Twins.
     
    Billy Crystal moonwalks around the bases.
     
    "Who do we choo-choo-choose?" he says.
     
    "Twins! Twins! Twins!" screams the crowd.
     
    The Jumbotron replays all of the times the Yankees beat the Twins in the playoffs.
     
    "Stop picking us!" scream the Twins fans as they huddle together. "Just stop it! Let us be!"
     
    "Twins! Twins! Twins!" the Yankee fans chant.
     
    The camera pulls back and we see we have been watching a cell phone screen in a Minnesota cabin.
    The wind howls.
     
    "Will it ever not be the Yankees, Papa?" a child asks.
     
    The father simply shoves the child's face into a tater tot hot dish.
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