Message From The King: The Best Seats For Heckling The White Sox

As Minnesotans, we take no joy in kicking people when they're down. Isn't enough that the White Sox are in the AL Central cellar, 8.5 games back of the the 4th place (and rival) Minnesota Twins, against whom they are 3-9 this season? Isn't it enough that they're on pace to lose 100+ games for just the 3rd time in their 113-year history? Isn't it enough that their minor league system is a barren wasteland, providing almost zero hope for the future?

Nope.

[PRBREAK][/PRBREAK]This week is the last chance you have to let the White Sox know exactly how much you're enjoying their 2013 season, so lets' find the best Target Field seats and for spending quality time with the Pale Hose:

Adam Dunn - Section 14

The tough part about heckling Adam Dunn is choosing where to start. Obviously, there is the last name, which comes in handy for signage. His nickname - Big Donkey - is ripe with possibilities. And his contract, which pays $15 million/year is painful in so many delightful ways. (I like to remind the Sox of that after he strikes out. Which he did 222 times last year, including 10 times at Target Field.)

But my favorite is fact is that despite having not hit above .200 against left-handed pitchers since 2009, he not only is in the lineup vs. southpaws, he consistently bats 4th or 5th. I can hardly wait until he faces Andrew Albers with the bases loaded so I can yell "Dunn's up! THANK GOD!"

Robin Ventura - Section 11

Taking over for Ozzie Guillen last year, Ventura drew rave reviews as the White Sox surprised everyone by finishing within spitting distance of the Tigers, though they still missed the playoffs. This year - not so much. The frequent camera shots of Ventura this last weekend showed a manager who seemed even less invested in winning games than his players. If you sit near him, you might want to check frequently with him to make sure he's still awake.

Mark Buehrle - Bullpen seats in 131

Except you need to wait until the Marlins come back to town.

Jake Peavy - Section 12

Except you need to wait until the Red Sox come to town.

Ozzie Guillen - Section 10

Except you need to wait until the Cuban National Team comes to town. (Not really.)

AJ Pierzynski - Section 334 (Boos carry.)

Except you need to wait until the Rangers come to town.

White Sox Fans - Any seat in Target Field

I'm sure not every White Sox fan is a jerk, but if someone wanted to take that stance, there would be plenty of anecdotal evidence to support it. I suspect it comes from their second division standing in their own town (to a team that is nationally viewed as perpetual losers, no less). The Cubs are the hobbits, and so the White Sox and their fans have decided to play the role of the orcs.

As such, it's probably best not to engage them, but if you're forced to, remember that we replaced Pierzynski with Joe Mauer. I wonder how their replacement, Tyler Flowers, is doing?

Tyler Flowers - Section 8 and 9

For years, Flowers was the heir apparent at catcher for the White Sox - and yet they kept re-signing AJ Pierzynski. Now we know why. He's hitting .193. Sometimes heckling just takes care of itself.

Paul Konerko - Section 3

Did you know that in 854 career at-bats versus the Twins, Paul Konerko has 917 hits? That's right - he has more hits than at-bats. You can look it up. (Editors note: Don't look it up. It's not true. It's not even possible.)

This year the 37-year-old Konerko has been a shell of himself, injured and hitting just .241 with a 655 OPS. (Of course, the White Sox are still batting him 4th and 5th. See: Dunn, Adam.) So if you want to heckle him, this is the year.

But personally, I'll refrain. To me, Konerko represents what the White Sox could be - confident enough to be brutally honest but productive enough to back it up. If this is the last time he plays at Target Field - and it could be, because his contract with them ends this year and there has been retirement talk - I'd like to be there. It would be worth the time to show up and maybe even respectfully acknowledge him sticking it to the Twins one more time. He's earned that.