PeanutsFromHeaven

Rumors of our demise our greatly exaggerated. Rumors of the school year ending, our student teacher leaving and our work load increasing dramatically are absolutely accurate. Here now, a pseudo-recap of the weeks since the Twins last got a day off. Game 27 Indians 7 - Twins 6 Long ago I first wrote about the magical Land of Cleve, a blighted kingdom where no team can win for long and where all the knights in the land eventually flee for other kingdom's with better salaries and dental packages. But a strange thing happened in the last year. The Land of Cleve, they have rebounded, regained themselves and found a new King! King Terry the Lost who shockingly has found powerful knights throughout his kingdom like Sir Michael the Speedy and Sir Swisher the Toolish (to complement the slightly quirky: .)So it was with much confusion that the Territory of Twinnesota entered the land of Cleve for the first battle of the year, only to find that, rather than rolling over and begging for mercy (as they normally do) the resilient knights of King Terry the Lost, rebounded until Sir Drew of the Swollen Toes delivered the fatal blow to our hopes [Wasn't that a lot more fun to read than just: "Drew Stubbs hit a walk-off..."] Game 28 Indians 7 - Twins 3 [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-iozSigXzsU4/UUkPnjPXzmI/AAAAAAAACH4/Png-BLVkQKQ/s200/Scapegoat%252713.jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Bad Correia!![/TD] [/TABLE] Kevin Correia pitched poorly! Let the indiscriminate blame and pointless recriminations BEGIN!! Kevin Correia is directly responsible for the Twins loss in Cleveland, Joe Mauer's distraction from hitting, the repeated threat of snow in late April and May and the mailing of toxic ricin to political leaders. Game 29 Twins 4 - Indians 2 Let us take a moment to acknowledge the contributions of someone oft forgotten in my offense-centric recaps Glen Perkins aka The Dread Pirate Joe Nathan. (Remember, Perk adopted the intimidating name to foil hitters. The real Dread Pirate Joe Nathan has been living like a King in Patagonia...or at least a Patagonia outlet store near Dallas) [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-RO57DEbskwI/UUZ5KHyLsUI/AAAAAAAACG8/bWyGIhrZcko/s200/DreadPiratePerkins.jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Dread Pirate Joe Nathan v. 2.0[/TD] [/TABLE] Sunday, with the Twins staked to a solid three run lead, The NEW Dread Pirate Joe Nathan entered the game determined to triumph in the most Dread Pirate-y way possible to wit: increasing the level of difficulty until his crew mates were convinced he was going to destroy them all...only to triumph at the last second. Following the lead off homer to left he bellowed "FAAARRRRGHARRAGH" [That's pirate for "good, now they have false hope"], then the hard stung single to right elicited an "AVARGH!!" ["Now I must defend my bounty of saves against the agents of the crown"], and when he settled down to end it all his triumphant "BLARGHERAGHERAGH!!!" [suck it Indians!] could be heard up and down the Cuyahoga. Game 30 Red Sox 7 - Twins 6 Under careful scrutiny since St. Paul native/Twins Legend/Blue Jays Announcer/Walking Mustache Jack Morris accused him of using a substance on his shirt sleeve to throw a spitball, Boston starter Clay Buchholz attempted to throw suspicious parties off the scent of his duplicity by coating his sleeve in a different substance during the first inning. That substance: suckitude! And in an even greater sign of his criminal genius, Buchholz, swapped jerseys in between innings, so that one inning of giving up hits to the heart of the order [1st] and the bottom of the order [4th] (after applying copious amounts of suck to the ball) were balanced out by innings of dominance against the bottom [2nd] and heart [3rd] of the order. Well played Buchholz, Well played. (On a similar well played note, we were all so amazed at Joe Mauer's leaping catch of a relay throw home that we were brainwashed into assuming that he also applied the tag. Proving that no one plays it as well as Mauer does.) I'd write more about the end of the game, but sometime around the 9th Red Sock wandering out of the batter's box and fouling off pitch after pitch to prolong the game, I decided that I should sleep...okay, I was put to sleep...which come to think of it is another genius strategem. CURSE YOU RED SOX!! Game 31 Twins 6 - Red Sox 1 Full confession, I did not hear or watch one minute or second of this game. Instead I was with student-athletes at a track meet in Watertown which does not yet have a huge out-of-town-scoreboard (hint, hint local taxpayers!). But with 7 innings of shut-out ball, Scott Diamond is more than welcome to join the team I coach as an endurance instructor. (Back up Red Sox Third Baseman Pedro Ciracio is not allowed anywhere near the shot put, javelin or discus) Game 32 Twins 15 - Red Sox 8 It was a thrilling trip to Boston, particularly for Aaron Hicks who made his Fenway Park debut. But just as Aaron was scared of "The Grimm" during the previous home stand, there was the awfully intimidating Green Monster out there in Left field. (I blame Hitting Coach Tom Brunansky's scary bedtime stories) http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wnP_shfgWQM/TgYgI3wh92I/AAAAAAAAB5A/C12Qq8t3zyA/s320/Mauer+Poster.jpg Fortunately there is one man who will always rescue our nation's children and worried rookies. He who personifies goodness and light, he who banishes fear and despair to the unfathomable void of the abyss beyond the stars. Yes our great and powerful chairman looked into the depths of the monster's eyes and slated the beast with his mighty bat of justice and truth (and also with the help of our mighty line-up which draws strength from the mere presence of his sideburns). Rest easy young Hicks-y, for wherever our mighty Chairman resides no monster dares to tread. Twins 33 Twins 5 - Red Sox 3 http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-GhL_Svc50xc/UXcqEooYa7I/AAAAAAAACJQ/YO39m9ZMJZA/s200/Blizard+of+Oz.jpgIt's easy to make fun of rookies, they're young, they don't have a clearly defined personality. But one guy seems determined to stop me from making fun of him. That man? Oswaldo Arcia: the Blizzard of Oz! How did our Blizzard Wizard triumph during his debut series at Fenway? By clobbering balls all over the yard. There are also unconfirmed reports of him shouting "Depulso!" to use a banishing charm on the two run shot that gave us a series victory over the "mighty" bean-towners. We here at Peanuts From Heaven will always encourage magic as a solution to life's problems...keep it up Oswaldo, keep it up. Game 34 Orioles 9 - Twins 6 After all the triumphs in Boston, the Twins returned home to face another AL East team, and picked up right where they left off, battering an opposing pitcher just because they could. But with all this natural awesomeness we neglected to discuss one important facet of the team: relief pitching. After-all, hitting is half the game, and really easy to romanticize; starting pitching talent is new and relatively amazing to Twins fans used to mind-numbingly bad starts; relief pitching...well...it's just part of the game, like the designated hitter and drunk guys. Too much time feeling ignored and unloved can wear on you, and so [i imagine with absolutely zero proof] there was a discussion in the Twins pen between Josh Roenicke and Anthony Swarzak. Roenicke: "Can you believe the blogosphere's ignoring use Anthony?" Swarzak: "Swarzak!" Roenicke: "I've gone more than an inning every game since April 4th! And you've only given up 3 walks all year!!" http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-DlPKd1Oc49I/Sm53J3PvNPI/AAAAAAAABOU/eTF7BVCL7js/s1600/Swarzak.jpg Swarzak: "Swarzak!" Roenicke: "Exactly! What's a guy got to do to earn a little gentle ribbing, a little joke that I sound like I should be a hockey player, or that I grew a soul patch because I was worried about whether or not I'd go to heaven" Swarzak: "Swarzak!" Roenicke: "Don't rub it in man...I know...I'll blow up randomly and then people will have to write about me...you in?" Swarzak: [Cough...cough] "Sorry, I've had that cough of years now...yeah, sure let's do this. So that happened, and we gave up the lead. Game 35 Twins 8 - Orioles 5 It's funny but true...Vance Worley, arguably the most promising pitching acquisition the Twins made in the offseason, had gone winless since August of the previous year. Hmm, actually that's not so much funny as sad. [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-nuTC_itwa5M/UUkCowhEIhI/AAAAAAAACHo/3fdRPpvIwbc/s200/Vanimal.jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]We got you Vanimal, we got you[/TD] [/TABLE] This was most troubling for the heart of the Twins order, Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau. After all this was their very own Vanimal, and both were big fans. After all Doctor Teeth and the Electric Mayhem was a genuinely popular band in Canada, and Baby Vanimal (from the Muppet Babies) was a favorite of Baby Jesus) Thus it was that the Twins' biggest boppers came to the rescue of another poor performance by the vanimal, cranking out six hits, and quite a bit of head banging in response to the Vanimal's demand that he needed more runs. Game 36 Orioles 6 - Twins 0 For Mother's Day, Scott Diamond's mom asked for just one thing: "play nice with the other boys Scotty!"* We applaud Mama Diamond for raising a fine upstanding athletic boy, and we're all for sportsmanship, but clearly this instruction ran contrary to pitching coach Rick Anderson's "NO MISSING THE PLATE! NO MERCY!!" instruction. In the end, the Orioles kind of owned Scott Diamond and the Twins lost the game, but it's kind of nice that Scott Diamond listened to his mom (but lets just save that for mother's day) *Note, I can't decide if this excuse is any less absurd than the "Mother's day game ball is slightly different" Twins writers actually used Game 37 Twins 10 - White Sox 3 A little more than a week ago, ESPN noted that Adam Dunn (the White Sox Designated Hitter) had the 2nd lowest batting average in the American League (thereby questioning the whole "hitter" part of the title "Designated Hitter"). The lowest? Twins Centerfielder Aaron Hicks. As a result this series with the White Sox felt seriously like a good ol' fashioned show down between Hicks and Dunn to prove who was marginally less bad than the other. Sure we could crunch the stats of who really won, but why not review it like the three rounds of your typical old school brawler video games. http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zGX3uGdXRqk/UZTbwaP8tfI/AAAAAAAACKA/TEM1Qz82NNM/s320/HicksVDunn.jpg The first round went decidedly to Aaron Hicks who seemingly owned every aspect of Adam Dunn's game. Delivering a punishing Centerfield Bomb attack on his face, pulling an amazing reversal on Dunn's own Dinger Assault, and then delivering his signature finishing move the "oh-my-god-you-can-get-more-than-one-hit-in-a-game-it-might-as-well-be another-home-run". Game 38 [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://assets.sbnation.com/assets/2622013/Hicks-HR-catch.gif[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Lets watch it again...and again... [/TD] [/TABLE] White Sox 4 - Twins 2 In order to get back at Aaron Hicks decisive first round KO Adam Dunn resorted to the defense of all desperate video gamers: Mashing buttons on the controller indiscriminately hoping that things turn out okay. Sadly it worked, geting a cheesy, bottom-of-the-health-bar, lucky shot victory (what with the home run to Hicks' o-fer.) Game 39 White Sox 9 - Twins 5 Before the last round of the fight [or game of the series if you prefer], Aaron Hicks pressed pause to go to the bathroom and get a Dr. Pepper. Then Adam Dunn unpaused it, demolishing a blithely bopping on his heels Aaron Hicks with a pair of Dinger Assaults, as if that somehow proved that he was a better gamer than Hicks. When Hicks came back, Dunn stood up muttered something about "really gotta get home, my parents and lawn mowing and indiscriminate mumbling" grabbed a full bag of Doritos and a Dr. Pepper and took off. So congrats Adam Dunn, you won this round...but Aaron Hicks will be back. Oh yes, he will be back. Mr. Peanut for the last two weeks: Oswaldo Arcia (if only to stop festooning Joe Mauer with these trophies) Nutty Buddy for the last two weeks: Pedro Hernandez/Casey Fien (they haven't been bad, but they sure haven't helped much)

I've noticed that video issue at times. (I was hoping to embed the spectacle that was Turandot, but MNOP is as stingy with embeddable video as MLB...I do hope that TVoR and CCP enjoyed it as much as my wife and I did...even if there was a notable lack of highlight reel defense)

Here again, is a brief and not at all accurate reflection of how the Twins did over the past week Game 20 Rangers 2 - Twins 1 Despite the evening's overlong, numbingly-slow, seemingly interminable catalogue of the talents of others, the Twin Cities were delighted by their own brief shining moment of glory. But enough has been written about the Vikings' draft...The Twins also played and saw Josh Willingham hit a homerun in a losing effort to a more talented Rangers squad. In other news: The Twins front office began declaring their interest in drafting Mantei Te'o with the fourth overall pick in June's draft...just to keep local sportswriters amused for a few more weeks. Game 21 Rangers 4 - Twins 3 It was a beautiful afternoon in the Twins clubhouse, the perfect time to get in a little extra batting practice, enjoy some of the first sunshine of the spring. http://static2.fjcdn.com/thumbnails/comments/It+s+like+the+Grim+from+Harry+Potter+_1f25c14a0bc6adea36670f13faf83ff7.jpgThat's when Aaron Hicks noticed a shadow floating off by the electric marquee announcing the night's pitching match up. "OH NO!" He shouted, "You guys! We've got....the...Grimm!" "Yeah," replied Josh Willingham unconcernedly, "he's a rookie." "But...the Grimm foretells death and ill fortune for all who see it!!" "What, did you face him in the minors or something?" asked Joe Mauer. "No! But I read all about it in Unfogging the Future by Cassandra Vablatsky!" "Umm...Aaron," replied Justin Morneau, slurping the last of his McDonald's Sweet Tea [ONLY 99 cents AT PARTICIPATING STORES!!] "I think that's only a book in the Harry Potter series." "AAAAH!" Shouted Aaron Hicks, grabbing Morneau's cup and swirling around the dregs of the drink as if it were tea leaves, "IT'S THERE...IT'S THERE AGAIN!!! WE'RE DOOMED, DOOMED I SAY!!" As Aaron Hicks ran around shouting about the disaster to everyone, the heart of the order gathered together. Finally Morneau broke the silence, "I suppose the nice thing to do would be to help Hicksy build some confidence by having his prediction come true...you guys willing to get held scoreless by a rookie starter again?" "Eh," they responded in unison, "why not?" So they did...and Aaron Hicks felt better...and Oswaldo Arcia hit another homer...and the game was lost, but the nerdiness was won. Game 22 Twins 7 - Rangers 2 On their second consecutive beautiful day the Twins started to wonder if playing against the Rangers was really worth it. I mean, couldn't they just play this one quickly, lose (as they probably would anyway) and go home to put their feet up on the deck with a drink in hand and a steak on the grill? [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://ww2.hdnux.com/photos/21/24/17/4539385/3/628x471.jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]The very happy Mr. Hernandez[/TD] [/TABLE] But Rookie Pedro Hernandez was delighted to be there, making his second start and first attempt to become part of the "rotation". He kept talking to players in the dugout about "how cool" it was, and that standing on a big league mound was "so sweet!" When removed from the game after the fifth, Hernandez sat beaming on the bench around other players. "Man you guys this day is just awesome!" [mumble grumble said the team that wanted to go home] "Major league baseball...I mean for REALS!! How cool is this!!?!? [I-du-mumma-grumbasaid the team who was so over playing every day] "And just think tonight I've got Cloud Cult tickets for me and my best friends!" [Record scratch sound, heads swivel and everybody crowds around Hernandez] In an effort to impress Hernandez and get those extra tickets, Brian Dozier kept bragging about his "totally amazeballs sac fly", Wilkin Ramirez and Aaron Hicks drove in insurance runs, Josh Willingham smashed a home run to left, and when the bullpen heard about this option Anthony Swarzak, Brian Duensing and Jared Burton turned in scoreless efforts. And even though Glen Perkins gave up 2 runs, Hernandez cheered him up by flashing an extra ticket at him from the top step of the dugout. And as "Beautiful Day" played on the loud speakers, you could almost hear the glee as Wilkin Ramirez shouted "Let's get out of here and go listen to some experimental local indie art rock!! WOO Cloud Cult!!" Woo Cloud Cult indeed. Game 23 Twins 5 - Rangers 0 Sunday was my first day of the season at Target Field, with beautiful sunshine, a well paced game and the chance to see a well-played game. It also allowed me to develop what I think might be the best equation for the Twins surprising .500 record in April BB*H^2 + (ESKC/CP2012) = LW That's Bases on Balls (aka Walks) times Hits squared, plus Early Season Kevin Correia-ness* over Craptastic Pitching from 2012 equals a likely Win. The more we do any of these things, the more walks drawn, the more hits attained, the more Early-Season-Kevin-Correia-y our pitching can be and the less craptastically our pitching resembles that of 2012, the better chance we have to win. (And with Willingham getting the walks, Morneau getting the hits and Kevin Correia being Kevin Correia-y this game was a likely win) *Note, this is a very special brand of Kevin Correia and can still be used as a stand in for average effectiveness as a pitcher even if/when Correia collapses, after all Scott Diamond has had a very high Early-Season Kevin Correianess quotient throughout his run with the Twins* ADDED BONUS: A HAIKU FOR THE FOOD I ATE AT THE PARK The Italian Sausage First bite of summer Spices mild as big muddy Bursts on snow tired tongue http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-jPXBk3FFl0c/UUkWnooVmzI/AAAAAAAACII/wb0W6i22T1E/s200/BionicPelf.jpg Game 24 Tigers 4 - Twins 3 Having split the series against a very tough Rangers team, the Twins went in to Detroit full of piss, vinegar, and other assorted odd liquids. And to be sure, everything seemed to be going wonderfully, Josh Willingham homered again, Oswaldo Arcia continued to hit the ball hard, and Mike Pelfrey (the bionic reclamation project) seemed to have found a way to get guys out using trickery, guile (and maybe some mixture of piss and vinegar in their gatorade). http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-whM28hnN9Hw/Sk0q9MCm6GI/AAAAAAAABL8/iTw-aUSUKNg/s200/Souls+aren%2527t+Meat.jpgBut it was not to last...heading into the bottom of the sixth with the top of the order due up Gardy had a premonition that perhaps Pelfrey would need to take a rest. But Pelfrey prevailed upon him telling him in a slightly robotic tone, "come on skip-per...I can get these guys...my arm feels great...I just need some WD-40 to loosen my pitching mechanism...I mean, I just need a 'hot towel' on my 'arm' and I'll get them." Gardy was concerned, but after Pelfrey corrected himself he was sure things would work out...But Vegetarian crusader Prince Fielder could smell the metal and the grease and the un-eco friendly Pelfrey from a mile away. And with two men on, trailing by two he did what any self-respecting Vegi-citizen would do and lined a homerun to left-center, winning the game for the Tigers and increasing Super Agent Scott Boras' fear that his bionic pitcher project may be a dud...but that Fielder guy will probably make him some money for a long time to come. Game 25 Tigers 6 - Twins 1 http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wnP_shfgWQM/TgYgI3wh92I/AAAAAAAAB5A/C12Qq8t3zyA/s320/Mauer+Poster.jpg During all of this media reports surfaced that our benevolent chairman Joe Mauer was going through the worst hitting slump of his life. Going 0 for his last 20 entering play Tuesday night. These of course were salacious lies, Mauer (Bringer of Sun to the Snow Plagued Lands) in his infinite genius and wisdom has been redistributing feelings of honor and prosperity to other hitters in the Twins line-up. "The chairman (praises be to him), has mercifully blessed me with the muscle mass to hit many doubles" reported young Eduardo Escobar, "he truly is the harbinger of victory and a bountiful harvest." [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_mgFCGNdNgo/S7egFstV5YI/AAAAAAAABdQ/y5AQWaN1gWk/s200/Tyglandra.jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]The Detroit Tygra Ace[/TD] [/TABLE] Enemies still bow before Mauer (provider of Snow in Sun plagued lands). And fear his mighty eyes of laser precision that are the only true judge of strikes and balls (no matter what the puppet umpires of the capitalist conspiracy of pitchers tells you). Witness the Chairman's mighty single against the Man-Tiger Hybrid called Justin Verlander, the American League's greatest weapon of mass destruction. The Chairman has vowed to honor all of those who have remained loyal to his greatness and destroy Thundera...I mean Comerica on his next visit, just as soon as he figures out why he wants to bomb Austin, Texas. Game 26 Twins 6 - Tigers 2 Having been bested by both Max Scherzer and Justin Verlander the Twins had hoped to get their offense going in the final game on Wednesday afternoon. Unfortunately they were facing Anibal Sanchez, whom the Twins announcers continue to insist on calling "Anna-belle" Sanchez. The image of Sanchez with a parasol, and a fan on the mound shouting out "I do declare!" was just too dang funny and they laughed their way to 9 strikes and a 3-2 lead thanks largely to swatting at balls while muttering "I don't give a damn". [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-iozSigXzsU4/UUkPnjPXzmI/AAAAAAAACH4/Png-BLVkQKQ/s200/Scapegoat%252713.jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Good goat...good goat.[/TD] [/TABLE] Fortunately it was enough as Scott Diamond gave up only two runs and avoided Rich Anderson hugs long enough to get through 6 innings en route to another win and a return to .500! Mr. Peanut Award: Kevin Correia (easily gave the most impressive single performance of the week...and I've been ignoring him too long...like Sally Field at the Oscars) Nutty Buddy: Joe Mauer (not that the chairman requires pity...but listing a Nutty Buddy has boosted the fortunes of others before...fingers crossed!)

Here again, is a brief and not at all accurate reflection of how the Twins did over the past week Game 20 Rangers 2 - Twins 1 Despite the evening's overlong, numbingly-slow, seemingly interminable catalogue of the talents of others, the Twin Cities were delighted by their own brief shining moment of glory. But enough has been written about the Vikings' draft...The Twins also played and saw Josh Willingham hit a homerun in a losing effort to a more talented Rangers squad. In other news: The Twins front office began declaring their interest in drafting Mantei Te'o with the fourth overall pick in June's draft...just to keep local sportswriters amused for a few more weeks. Game 21 Rangers 4 - Twins 3 It was a beautiful afternoon in the Twins clubhouse, the perfect time to get in a little extra batting practice, enjoy some of the first sunshine of the spring. http://static2.fjcdn.com/thumbnails/comments/It+s+like+the+Grim+from+Harry+Potter+_1f25c14a0bc6adea36670f13faf83ff7.jpgThat's when Aaron Hicks noticed a shadow floating off by the electric marquee announcing the night's pitching match up. "OH NO!" He shouted, "You guys! We've got....the...Grimm!" "Yeah," replied Josh Willingham unconcernedly, "he's a rookie." "But...the Grimm foretells death and ill fortune for all who see it!!" "What, did you face him in the minors or something?" asked Joe Mauer. "No! But I read all about it in Unfogging the Future by Cassandra Vablatsky!" "Umm...Aaron," replied Justin Morneau, slurping the last of his McDonald's Sweet Tea [ONLY 99 cents AT PARTICIPATING STORES!!] "I think that's only a book in the Harry Potter series." "AAAAH!" Shouted Aaron Hicks, grabbing Morneau's cup and swirling around the dregs of the drink as if it were tea leaves, "IT'S THERE...IT'S THERE AGAIN!!! WE'RE DOOMED, DOOMED I SAY!!" As Aaron Hicks ran around shouting about the disaster to everyone, the heart of the order gathered together. Finally Morneau broke the silence, "I suppose the nice thing to do would be to help Hicksy build some confidence by having his prediction come true...you guys willing to get held scoreless by a rookie starter again?" "Eh," they responded in unison, "why not?" So they did...and Aaron Hicks felt better...and Oswaldo Arcia hit another homer...and the game was lost, but the nerdiness was won. Game 22 Twins 7 - Rangers 2 On their second consecutive beautiful day the Twins started to wonder if playing against the Rangers was really worth it. I mean, couldn't they just play this one quickly, lose (as they probably would anyway) and go home to put their feet up on the deck with a drink in hand and a steak on the grill? [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://ww2.hdnux.com/photos/21/24/17/4539385/3/628x471.jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]The very happy Mr. Hernandez[/TD] [/TABLE] But Rookie Pedro Hernandez was delighted to be there, making his second start and first attempt to become part of the "rotation". He kept talking to players in the dugout about "how cool" it was, and that standing on a big league mound was "so sweet!" When removed from the game after the fifth, Hernandez sat beaming on the bench around other players. "Man you guys this day is just awesome!" [mumble grumble said the team that wanted to go home] "Major league baseball...I mean for REALS!! How cool is this!!?!? [I-du-mumma-grumbasaid the team who was so over playing every day] "And just think tonight I've got Cloud Cult tickets for me and my best friends!" [Record scratch sound, heads swivel and everybody crowds around Hernandez] In an effort to impress Hernandez and get those extra tickets, Brian Dozier kept bragging about his "totally amazeballs sac fly", Wilkin Ramirez and Aaron Hicks drove in insurance runs, Josh Willingham smashed a home run to left, and when the bullpen heard about this option Anthony Swarzak, Brian Duensing and Jared Burton turned in scoreless efforts. And even though Glen Perkins gave up 2 runs, Hernandez cheered him up by flashing an extra ticket at him from the top step of the dugout. And as "Beautiful Day" played on the loud speakers, you could almost hear the glee as Wilkin Ramirez shouted "Let's get out of here and go listen to some experimental local indie art rock!! WOO Cloud Cult!!" Woo Cloud Cult indeed. Game 23 Twins 5 - Rangers 0 Sunday was my first day of the season at Target Field, with beautiful sunshine, a well paced game and the chance to see a well-played game. It also allowed me to develop what I think might be the best equation for the Twins surprising .500 record in April BB*H^2 + (ESKC/CP2012) = LW That's Bases on Balls (aka Walks) times Hits squared, plus Early Season Kevin Correia-ness* over Craptastic Pitching from 2012 equals a likely Win. The more we do any of these things, the more walks drawn, the more hits attained, the more Early-Season-Kevin-Correia-y our pitching can be and the less craptastically our pitching resembles that of 2012, the better chance we have to win. (And with Willingham getting the walks, Morneau getting the hits and Kevin Correia being Kevin Correia-y this game was a likely win) *Note, this is a very special brand of Kevin Correia and can still be used as a stand in for average effectiveness as a pitcher even if/when Correia collapses, after all Scott Diamond has had a very high Early-Season Kevin Correianess quotient throughout his run with the Twins* ADDED BONUS: A HAIKU FOR THE FOOD I ATE AT THE PARK The Italian Sausage First bite of summer Spices mild as big muddy Bursts on snow tired tongue http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-jPXBk3FFl0c/UUkWnooVmzI/AAAAAAAACII/wb0W6i22T1E/s200/BionicPelf.jpg Game 24 Tigers 4 - Twins 3 Having split the series against a very tough Rangers team, the Twins went in to Detroit full of piss, vinegar, and other assorted odd liquids. And to be sure, everything seemed to be going wonderfully, Josh Willingham homered again, Oswaldo Arcia continued to hit the ball hard, and Mike Pelfrey (the bionic reclamation project) seemed to have found a way to get guys out using trickery, guile (and maybe some mixture of piss and vinegar in their gatorade). http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-whM28hnN9Hw/Sk0q9MCm6GI/AAAAAAAABL8/iTw-aUSUKNg/s200/Souls+aren%2527t+Meat.jpgBut it was not to last...heading into the bottom of the sixth with the top of the order due up Gardy had a premonition that perhaps Pelfrey would need to take a rest. But Pelfrey prevailed upon him telling him in a slightly robotic tone, "come on skip-per...I can get these guys...my arm feels great...I just need some WD-40 to loosen my pitching mechanism...I mean, I just need a 'hot towel' on my 'arm' and I'll get them." Gardy was concerned, but after Pelfrey corrected himself he was sure things would work out...But Vegetarian crusader Prince Fielder could smell the metal and the grease and the un-eco friendly Pelfrey from a mile away. And with two men on, trailing by two he did what any self-respecting Vegi-citizen would do and lined a homerun to left-center, winning the game for the Tigers and increasing Super Agent Scott Boras' fear that his bionic pitcher project may be a dud...but that Fielder guy will probably make him some money for a long time to come. Game 25 Tigers 6 - Twins 1 http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wnP_shfgWQM/TgYgI3wh92I/AAAAAAAAB5A/C12Qq8t3zyA/s320/Mauer+Poster.jpg During all of this media reports surfaced that our benevolent chairman Joe Mauer was going through the worst hitting slump of his life. Going 0 for his last 20 entering play Tuesday night. These of course were salacious lies, Mauer (Bringer of Sun to the Snow Plagued Lands) in his infinite genius and wisdom has been redistributing feelings of honor and prosperity to other hitters in the Twins line-up. "The chairman (praises be to him), has mercifully blessed me with the muscle mass to hit many doubles" reported young Eduardo Escobar, "he truly is the harbinger of victory and a bountiful harvest." [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_mgFCGNdNgo/S7egFstV5YI/AAAAAAAABdQ/y5AQWaN1gWk/s200/Tyglandra.jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]The Detroit Tygra Ace[/TD] [/TABLE] Enemies still bow before Mauer (provider of Snow in Sun plagued lands). And fear his mighty eyes of laser precision that are the only true judge of strikes and balls (no matter what the puppet umpires of the capitalist conspiracy of pitchers tells you). Witness the Chairman's mighty single against the Man-Tiger Hybrid called Justin Verlander, the American League's greatest weapon of mass destruction. The Chairman has vowed to honor all of those who have remained loyal to his greatness and destroy Thundera...I mean Comerica on his next visit, just as soon as he figures out why he wants to bomb Austin, Texas. Game 26 Twins 6 - Tigers 2 Having been bested by both Max Scherzer and Justin Verlander the Twins had hoped to get their offense going in the final game on Wednesday afternoon. Unfortunately they were facing Anibal Sanchez, whom the Twins announcers continue to insist on calling "Anna-belle" Sanchez. The image of Sanchez with a parasol, and a fan on the mound shouting out "I do declare!" was just too dang funny and they laughed their way to 9 strikes and a 3-2 lead thanks largely to swatting at balls while muttering "I don't give a damn". [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-iozSigXzsU4/UUkPnjPXzmI/AAAAAAAACH4/Png-BLVkQKQ/s200/Scapegoat%252713.jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Good goat...good goat.[/TD] [/TABLE] Fortunately it was enough as Scott Diamond gave up only two runs and avoided Rich Anderson hugs long enough to get through 6 innings en route to another win and a return to .500! Mr. Peanut Award: Kevin Correia (easily gave the most impressive single performance of the week...and I've been ignoring him too long...like Sally Field at the Oscars) Nutty Buddy: Joe Mauer (not that the chairman requires pity...but listing a Nutty Buddy has boosted the fortunes of others before...fingers crossed!)

From time to time, I pause in my pursuit of the goofiest possible photoshops, to write things about other things. Such writing reflects my opinions and is not reflective of the opinions of editors at Twins Daily or readers like you. I hope it inspires questions and discussion, and if it simply irritates you, don't worry I'll be back to the photoshops soon. As you may know, people really like sports. Lots of people. Millions of people. And they like it so much that they will furiously dissect the evaluation and selection of new players during the epic "drafts" that have come to dominate a fans' off-season calendar. (I sometimes wonder if aspiring draft pundits are standing on their elementary school playgrounds right now arguing over who Timmy should have taken third for kickball, Johnny who was caught eating paste but can run a 6.3 dash to first base, or Annabelle who hasn't had a great season 'till now but does have tremendous upside.) While drafts are great opportunities for armchair GMs to opine and prognosticate about the future, they also signal the beginning of the end for veteran athletes who will soon be replaced by younger, less expensive talent. Such was the case for Minnesota Vikings' punter Chris Kluwe on Saturday. When the Vikings drafted a young punter int he fifth round, pundits and fans raced to analyze the pick and debate the likelihood that Kluwe would never wear gold and purple again [outside of World of Warcraft that is]. But a change in punters' isn't normally a newsworthy event, unless that punter is a prominent personality who appears on NPR and Comedy Central [as Kluwe is]. It is even more noticeable when said punter is an outspoken proponent of marriage equality [as Kluwe also is]. Suddenly, changing punters seems to be less of a management decision and more of a referendum on a employing someone who capitalizes on his (relative) celebrity. I don't know the Vikings reasoning for removing Kluwe, and I doubt I'll ever know. I am sure that in football, as in almost every other sport, when talent is similar the younger, cheaper option is preferable to the older, pricier option (that's just sane management). I am also sure that the Vikings are in the business of keeping fans happy, so I can see how a controversial kicker who espouses uncomfortable opinions does not necessarily help the business. Kluwe's attitude and advocacy seemed to alienate his supervisor (the special teams' coach) and also seemed to irritate a swathe a fans [if the plethora of "he-should've-kept-his-mouth-shut-and-played-the-damn-game" comments on talk radio and the internet are any guide]. Given that the NFL eschews societal controversies and that Kluwe's fellow gay-rights agitator in shoulder pads (Ravens' Brendon Ayanbadejo) was recently cut, the Vikings' real reasons for drafting a punter may well be drowned out by a public perception that a player's personal opinions partially contributed to the loss of his job. If they have allowed his opinions to influence their decision making, then by preparing to cut ties with Kluwe, the Vikings and the NFL are punting a controversial topic downfield. But [and behold my segue back to baseball] would we be having the same conversation if we were talking about Chris Kluwe, middle reliever, instead of Chris Kluwe, punter? If Kluwe was not involved in the highest profile sport in the country, if he was just another "colorful" veteran about to be displaced by a hot prospect, would there be a public perception that his opinions were partially responsible for the end of his career (at least in the Twin Cities)? I have to think that the answer is yes. Regardless of what sport you play, there's an attitude prevalent among the fan base for sports that playing the game should trump personal opinions. And no matter what opinion the player has and no matter whether you agree or disagree with that opinion, I personally believe that we should be rooting for players and athletes to share their opinions more rather than less. I know several arguments against having opinionated, activist players prominently featured on your local team. Starting with the thought that they ought to just "play the game" and leave their opinions in their homes, but I can't help but feel that would do our favorite athletes a disservice if we discouraged them from speaking up when they think it matters. I know some worry that controversial opinions are bad for business [especially since the costumer base for most major sports tends to be conservative], but with polarizing issues you can often gain as many fans on one side of the ideological divide as you lose from the other. (And when discussing gay marriage, the opinion gap between young and old suggests you may well find more long term fans.) I know some believe that athletes are here to entertain not to agitate, but just because someone is an entertainer doesn't preclude them from having the same right to free will and free expression as a data cruncher, corporate executive, factory worker or educator. More to the point, you might not like Clint Eastwood or George Clooney's politics, but they still are free to express themselves whenever they see fit I know some cite concerns around locker room morale as a reason to avoid the controversial, but other businesses throughout the country find ways to survive despite disparate opinions in the break room or board room. And if the armed forces can continue protecting and defending our nation with both heterosexual and homosexual servicemen and women (not to mention tolerant and intolerant opinions about sexual orientation) in the same barracks, I have to imagine that professional athletes can play a game. I know some feel like the purpose of sports is simply to amuse, thereby providing a distraction from the controversies and difficulties of the world around us. Certainly amusement can be nice from time to time. Yet, if taxpaying citizens are going to be held responsible for financing the stadia, arena and ballparks [as we do with other amusement based public institutions like say the Guthrie theatre], it would be nice if (in addition to providing amusement and community pride) teams engaged with the issues that local citizens/financiers are facing too (like the Guthrie does with their plays). On balance, it would be foolish to ignore the difficulties that come along with having an opinionated player in the locker room. But the difficulties are not insurmountable. Heck, they're barely even daunting. So if baseball (or any other major sport) allows fears over the fallout from opinionated players to dictate their team management, they will be be taking the easy way out of a simple situation. This is the time to act, and few sports can do it as easily as baseball. Given the sport's historical prominence in challenging social conventions, it seems natural for baseball to take the lead in dealing with the issues of the day (and with a 162 game schedule, its only a matter of time until big issues become part of the every day routine of your life). Baseball's the sport that asked us to consider anti-semitism (with Hank Greenberg), to consider racism (with Jackie Robinson and Larry Doby), to consider the restrictions of labor laws (with Curt Flood). Of course, simply speaking out in favor of gay rights is not the same as being Jackie Robinson, still, now is the time for sports teams to deal with gay rights. (Witness the fact that in the time between my first draft this morning and my published draft this evening, free agent basketball player Jason Collins became the first openly gay athlete in a major sport.) Opinions about homosexuality are already out there, from the in-game trash talk of Yunel Escobar to the public comments of former Twin Torii Hunter. Baseball teams don't need to go out of our way to hire opinionated players, or to protect them from losing their jobs if they aren't as effective as others, but I hope we never need to dissect the motives for releasing a player whose opinions set them apart from the norm. If a Twins player speaks up about their opinions, whatever side of the issue they land on, I hope that they are heard, respected and engaged as part of a broader debate. With respect to Edward R. Murrow sports is now what TV once was, it can entertain, but it can also "teach, illuminate...and it can even inspire. But it can do so only to the extent that humans are determined to use it to those ends." That responsibility begins with the players and extends out to the managers, executives and owners who work with them, then to the fans who cheer them on. For everyone involved, and all of us watching/cheering at home, I hope that baseball doesn't punt this opportunity away.

From time to time, I pause in my pursuit of the goofiest possible photoshops, to write things about other things. Such writing reflects my opinions and is not reflective of the opinions of editors at Twins Daily or readers like you. I hope it inspires questions and discussion, and if it simply irritates you, don't worry I'll be back to the photoshops soon. As you may know, people really like sports. Lots of people. Millions of people. And they like it so much that they will furiously dissect the evaluation and selection of new players during the epic "drafts" that have come to dominate a fans' off-season calendar. (I sometimes wonder if aspiring draft pundits are standing on their elementary school playgrounds right now arguing over who Timmy should have taken third for kickball, Johnny who was caught eating paste but can run a 6.3 dash to first base, or Annabelle who hasn't had a great season 'till now but does have tremendous upside.) While drafts are great opportunities for armchair GMs to opine and prognosticate about the future, they also signal the beginning of the end for veteran athletes who will soon be replaced by younger, less expensive talent. Such was the case for Minnesota Vikings' punter Chris Kluwe on Saturday. When the Vikings drafted a young punter int he fifth round, pundits and fans raced to analyze the pick and debate the likelihood that Kluwe would never wear gold and purple again [outside of World of Warcraft that is]. But a change in punters' isn't normally a newsworthy event, unless that punter is a prominent personality who appears on NPR and Comedy Central [as Kluwe is]. It is even more noticeable when said punter is an outspoken proponent of marriage equality [as Kluwe also is]. Suddenly, changing punters seems to be less of a management decision and more of a referendum on a employing someone who capitalizes on his (relative) celebrity. I don't know the Vikings reasoning for removing Kluwe, and I doubt I'll ever know. I am sure that in football, as in almost every other sport, when talent is similar the younger, cheaper option is preferable to the older, pricier option (that's just sane management). I am also sure that the Vikings are in the business of keeping fans happy, so I can see how a controversial kicker who espouses uncomfortable opinions does not necessarily help the business. Kluwe's attitude and advocacy seemed to alienate his supervisor (the special teams' coach) and also seemed to irritate a swathe a fans [if the plethora of "he-should've-kept-his-mouth-shut-and-played-the-damn-game" comments on talk radio and the internet are any guide]. Given that the NFL eschews societal controversies and that Kluwe's fellow gay-rights agitator in shoulder pads (Ravens' Brendon Ayanbadejo) was recently cut, the Vikings' real reasons for drafting a punter may well be drowned out by a public perception that a player's personal opinions partially contributed to the loss of his job. If they have allowed his opinions to influence their decision making, then by preparing to cut ties with Kluwe, the Vikings and the NFL are punting a controversial topic downfield. But [and behold my segue back to baseball] would we be having the same conversation if we were talking about Chris Kluwe, middle reliever, instead of Chris Kluwe, punter? If Kluwe was not involved in the highest profile sport in the country, if he was just another "colorful" veteran about to be displaced by a hot prospect, would there be a public perception that his opinions were partially responsible for the end of his career (at least in the Twin Cities)? I have to think that the answer is yes. Regardless of what sport you play, there's an attitude prevalent among the fan base for sports that playing the game should trump personal opinions. And no matter what opinion the player has and no matter whether you agree or disagree with that opinion, I personally believe that we should be rooting for players and athletes to share their opinions more rather than less. I know several arguments against having opinionated, activist players prominently featured on your local team. Starting with the thought that they ought to just "play the game" and leave their opinions in their homes, but I can't help but feel that would do our favorite athletes a disservice if we discouraged them from speaking up when they think it matters. I know some worry that controversial opinions are bad for business [especially since the costumer base for most major sports tends to be conservative], but with polarizing issues you can often gain as many fans on one side of the ideological divide as you lose from the other. (And when discussing gay marriage, the opinion gap between young and old suggests you may well find more long term fans.) I know some believe that athletes are here to entertain not to agitate, but just because someone is an entertainer doesn't preclude them from having the same right to free will and free expression as a data cruncher, corporate executive, factory worker or educator. More to the point, you might not like Clint Eastwood or George Clooney's politics, but they still are free to express themselves whenever they see fit I know some cite concerns around locker room morale as a reason to avoid the controversial, but other businesses throughout the country find ways to survive despite disparate opinions in the break room or board room. And if the armed forces can continue protecting and defending our nation with both heterosexual and homosexual servicemen and women (not to mention tolerant and intolerant opinions about sexual orientation) in the same barracks, I have to imagine that professional athletes can play a game. I know some feel like the purpose of sports is simply to amuse, thereby providing a distraction from the controversies and difficulties of the world around us. Certainly amusement can be nice from time to time. Yet, if taxpaying citizens are going to be held responsible for financing the stadia, arena and ballparks [as we do with other amusement based public institutions like say the Guthrie theatre], it would be nice if (in addition to providing amusement and community pride) teams engaged with the issues that local citizens/financiers are facing too (like the Guthrie does with their plays). On balance, it would be foolish to ignore the difficulties that come along with having an opinionated player in the locker room. But the difficulties are not insurmountable. Heck, they're barely even daunting. So if baseball (or any other major sport) allows fears over the fallout from opinionated players to dictate their team management, they will be be taking the easy way out of a simple situation. This is the time to act, and few sports can do it as easily as baseball. Given the sport's historical prominence in challenging social conventions, it seems natural for baseball to take the lead in dealing with the issues of the day (and with a 162 game schedule, its only a matter of time until big issues become part of the every day routine of your life). Baseball's the sport that asked us to consider anti-semitism (with Hank Greenberg), to consider racism (with Jackie Robinson and Larry Doby), to consider the restrictions of labor laws (with Curt Flood). Of course, simply speaking out in favor of gay rights is not the same as being Jackie Robinson, still, now is the time for sports teams to deal with gay rights. (Witness the fact that in the time between my first draft this morning and my published draft this evening, free agent basketball player Jason Collins became the first openly gay athlete in a major sport.) Opinions about homosexuality are already out there, from the in-game trash talk of Yunel Escobar to the public comments of former Twin Torii Hunter. Baseball teams don't need to go out of our way to hire opinionated players, or to protect them from losing their jobs if they aren't as effective as others, but I hope we never need to dissect the motives for releasing a player whose opinions set them apart from the norm. If a Twins player speaks up about their opinions, whatever side of the issue they land on, I hope that they are heard, respected and engaged as part of a broader debate. With respect to Edward R. Murrow sports is now what TV once was, it can entertain, but it can also "teach, illuminate...and it can even inspire. But it can do so only to the extent that humans are determined to use it to those ends." That responsibility begins with the players and extends out to the managers, executives and owners who work with them, then to the fans who cheer them on. For everyone involved, and all of us watching/cheering at home, I hope that baseball doesn't punt this opportunity away.

Here's your quick, easy, inaccurate guide to the last week in Twins Baseball Game 15 Cold Weathered Out After going all the way to Chicago just to find out that another game would be postponed due to inclement weather, the Twins groaned loudly in protest. Manager Ron Gardenhire's offer to take everyone out for ice cream was a nice thought but...seriously...whose thinking about ice cream on the 79th day of February? Game 16 Twins 2 - White Sox 1 In the afternoon, we peanuts thrilled to see the Twins squeak out a win in the Windy City, behind a strong 7 innings from Vance "Vanimal" Worley, and the night only got better as Mrs. Peanut and I went to see Minnesota Opera's version of Turandot...which would look something like this to the Vanimal. Game 17 Twins 5 - White Sox 3 http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-5zM-RkV0HsA/TZU4yjXbK1I/AAAAAAAAB04/NvzyiPjSWMU/s200/Ubermensch.jpgYears ago, we Peanuts met Jesse Crain. In addition to being polite with your run of the mill fans, he also seemed vaguely entertained by our comical shenanigans and goofy photoshops. For this reason we said that he was not just a "mensch" he was in fact "the Ubermensch". This allowed us to make all kinds of goofy allusions to philosophy while writing Twins recaps and caused much amusement...at least for us. And while we Peanuts still want to take every opportunity to destroy the White Sox, we're a little less keen on crushing our pal "Ze Ubermensch". So when Ze Ubermensch came into pitch with the bases loaded we had to pause before remembering what we really wanted to see. http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-YlUCvjyrGtc/UUZ5KDMR4CI/AAAAAAAACHA/bDOgpdojcdk/s200/Willinghammer.jpgFacing Josh Willingham, Ze Ubermensch chose to open with one of his favorite argument/pitches, guaranteed to throw hitters off balance: "We speak of 'stranding runners' in baseball, and yet, in order to be 'stranded' shouldn't one be eternally lost, abandoned and forlorn, strapped to their base as if it were an island in the stream? Given that the runners, do in fact return to the dugout and thence to the field, is it not morally superior to leave them to their own devices, challenging the so called 'stranded' to survive the treacherous jog back to the bench under their own guile and intellect? With the human mind capable of such complex, instinctual foresight, denying these runners the right to exercise their mental acuity is akin to negating the will of the student to question his teachings." Cogent as that argument may be, our own local God of Thunder unleashed his Willinghammer all over Ze Ubermensch with a bases clearing double. Standing on second base Willingham was heard to remark to Crain: "Sorry...I couldn't hear your question over the sound of my awesomeness..." [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-GhL_Svc50xc/UXcqEooYa7I/AAAAAAAACJM/WjzfmIJzb5I/s200/Blizard+of+Oz.jpg [/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]The Blizzard of Oz [/TD] [/TABLE] Game 18 Gross Weathered Out In their offices at Target Field the Pohlad brothers mutter darkly about moving the team somewhere with nicer weather that doesn't run the risk of so many early season snow/rain outs...like maybe: Nome, Alaska. Game 18 Take 2 Twins 4 - Marlins 3 Through the gloom of yet another April snow storm, the Twins took the field to battle the Miami Laughingstocks...I mean Marlins. As good fortune would have it, they had with them a young rookie with a nickname tailor-made for this kind of weather: "The Blizzard of Oz" Oswaldo Arcia! And with a heroic summoning of his magical prowess the Blizzard Wizard smote the Marlins with a three-run blast to take the lead and seal the game. Game 19 Marlins 8-Twins 5 Sensing my disparaging comments of them in the previous paragraphs, the Marlins took their revenge on Mike Pelfrey. As frustrating as their hitting was for Pelfry, it was more aggravating to hear them snidely shout out Nickleback lyrics with sheer condescension "Should've seen it coming!" jeered Placido Palanco, "It had to happen sometimes" crowed Greg Dobbs, "You went and bought a knife/to an all out gun fight" giggled Rob Brantley This was frustrating for Pelfry, but more frustrating for fans who realized that the Marlins actually sing better than Nickleback front man Chad Kroeger, Mr. Peanut: Brian Dozier (with a small sample size this mostly an award for improved defense and plate discipline, but still warranted) Nutty Buddy: Trevor Plouffe (again, it's a small sample size, but mediocre plate work plus poor defense means fans are seeing Eduardo Escobar through rose-colored, beer-goggled, Plouffey eyes)

Here's your quick, easy, inaccurate guide to the last week in Twins Baseball Game 15 Cold Weathered Out After going all the way to Chicago just to find out that another game would be postponed due to inclement weather, the Twins groaned loudly in protest. Manager Ron Gardenhire's offer to take everyone out for ice cream was a nice thought but...seriously...whose thinking about ice cream on the 79th day of February? Game 16 Twins 2 - White Sox 1 In the afternoon, we peanuts thrilled to see the Twins squeak out a win in the Windy City, behind a strong 7 innings from Vance "Vanimal" Worley, and the night only got better as Mrs. Peanut and I went to see Minnesota Opera's version of Turandot...which would look something like this to the Vanimal. Game 17 Twins 5 - White Sox 3 http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-5zM-RkV0HsA/TZU4yjXbK1I/AAAAAAAAB04/NvzyiPjSWMU/s200/Ubermensch.jpgYears ago, we Peanuts met Jesse Crain. In addition to being polite with your run of the mill fans, he also seemed vaguely entertained by our comical shenanigans and goofy photoshops. For this reason we said that he was not just a "mensch" he was in fact "the Ubermensch". This allowed us to make all kinds of goofy allusions to philosophy while writing Twins recaps and caused much amusement...at least for us. And while we Peanuts still want to take every opportunity to destroy the White Sox, we're a little less keen on crushing our pal "Ze Ubermensch". So when Ze Ubermensch came into pitch with the bases loaded we had to pause before remembering what we really wanted to see. http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-YlUCvjyrGtc/UUZ5KDMR4CI/AAAAAAAACHA/bDOgpdojcdk/s200/Willinghammer.jpgFacing Josh Willingham, Ze Ubermensch chose to open with one of his favorite argument/pitches, guaranteed to throw hitters off balance: "We speak of 'stranding runners' in baseball, and yet, in order to be 'stranded' shouldn't one be eternally lost, abandoned and forlorn, strapped to their base as if it were an island in the stream? Given that the runners, do in fact return to the dugout and thence to the field, is it not morally superior to leave them to their own devices, challenging the so called 'stranded' to survive the treacherous jog back to the bench under their own guile and intellect? With the human mind capable of such complex, instinctual foresight, denying these runners the right to exercise their mental acuity is akin to negating the will of the student to question his teachings." Cogent as that argument may be, our own local God of Thunder unleashed his Willinghammer all over Ze Ubermensch with a bases clearing double. Standing on second base Willingham was heard to remark to Crain: "Sorry...I couldn't hear your question over the sound of my awesomeness..." [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-GhL_Svc50xc/UXcqEooYa7I/AAAAAAAACJM/WjzfmIJzb5I/s200/Blizard+of+Oz.jpg [/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]The Blizzard of Oz [/TD] [/TABLE] Game 18 Gross Weathered Out In their offices at Target Field the Pohlad brothers mutter darkly about moving the team somewhere with nicer weather that doesn't run the risk of so many early season snow/rain outs...like maybe: Nome, Alaska. Game 18 Take 2 Twins 4 - Marlins 3 Through the gloom of yet another April snow storm, the Twins took the field to battle the Miami Laughingstocks...I mean Marlins. As good fortune would have it, they had with them a young rookie with a nickname tailor-made for this kind of weather: "The Blizzard of Oz" Oswaldo Arcia! And with a heroic summoning of his magical prowess the Blizzard Wizard smote the Marlins with a three-run blast to take the lead and seal the game. Game 19 Marlins 8-Twins 5 Sensing my disparaging comments of them in the previous paragraphs, the Marlins took their revenge on Mike Pelfrey. As frustrating as their hitting was for Pelfry, it was more aggravating to hear them snidely shout out Nickleback lyrics with sheer condescension "Should've seen it coming!" jeered Placido Palanco, "It had to happen sometimes" crowed Greg Dobbs, "You went and bought a knife/to an all out gun fight" giggled Rob Brantley This was frustrating for Pelfry, but more frustrating for fans who realized that the Marlins actually sing better than Nickleback front man Chad Kroeger, Mr. Peanut: Brian Dozier (with a small sample size this mostly an award for improved defense and plate discipline, but still warranted) Nutty Buddy: Trevor Plouffe (again, it's a small sample size, but mediocre plate work plus poor defense means fans are seeing Eduardo Escobar through rose-colored, beer-goggled, Plouffey eyes)

http://mobile.milb.com/images/players/mugshot/ph_466412.jpgWhen last we left Louie P. he was capping a stellar 2012 season with an abysmal September call-up full of tears, recriminations and the natural side-effects of too much time spent around Jose Bautista. It was a tumultuous offseason for Perdomo as well, getting cast down from the opulence of the majors to an out right assignment to Rochester. He also lost his bearded prominence among Twins' pitchers to a couple of guys who broke camp with the major league squad: Tyler Robertson and Liam Hendricks (both of whom are now back in Rochester with Perdomo). Now wearing the stubbly shadow left behind in Fort Meyers by Alex Burnett he's off to an inconsistent beginning with the Red Wings. [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2I8EA_27wWA/UCXfB8Hzd3I/AAAAAAAABbo/tCzWq7AGMaY/s200/Tony+Robbins.jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Peanuts from Heaven means no disrespect to Tony Robbins whatsoever...please don't sue.[/TD] [/TABLE] Following up on a suggestion from our offseason blue print last fall: we peanuts firmly believe that the solution is for Luis to unleash the power within! (However, since Tony Robbins is both unavailable to teach that to Luis and extremely litigious, we'd like to alter that instruction slightly. So Luis, in case you (like all humans with a functioning brain cell and access to the internet) google yourself in the near future. Here is our guide to DE-RESTRAINING A FORCE INSIDE YOU! Step 1: Take what is in you, and put it OUT THERE! Remember Luis, you are a source of power and dynamic energy. The human body is capable of incredible things, and, as an athlete, your body is capable of amaze-tastic things! You can do anything because you have the same bones, blood and muscles as thousands who have gone before you. (You could be a nobel laureate, or a world class inventor, or President of the Dominican Republic...or--and I'm just tossing this out there--you could be an above average major league relief pitcher!) But all that naturally existing energy and all those positive ions are trapped inside of ourselves, inside of our cores. It is up to us to let them out Luis! Visualize your strength! Visualize your stamina! Visualize your beard! And let it rise up through the surface and out into our real world. Let your strength flow through your arm and push the ball an extra mile-per-hour faster. Allow your stamina to expand your frame and fill you up with the will to go more than two-thirds of an inning. Permit your beard to be YOUR BEARD!! TAKE WHAT IS IN YOU AND PUT IT OUT THERE!! (This instruction was intended for Luis Perdomo only...following the Peanuts from Heaven De-Restraining a Force Inside You [DRAFIY] without specifically tailored guidance from a Peanuts From Heaven approved Force De-Restrainer may result in serious injury. Peanuts from Heaven is not liable for misinterpretations of their lessons...but please don't think this lesson is encouraging to remove your own appendix...that's crazy talk)

http://mobile.milb.com/images/players/mugshot/ph_466412.jpgWhen last we left Louie P. he was capping a stellar 2012 season with an abysmal September call-up full of tears, recriminations and the natural side-effects of too much time spent around Jose Bautista. It was a tumultuous offseason for Perdomo as well, getting cast down from the opulence of the majors to an out right assignment to Rochester. He also lost his bearded prominence among Twins' pitchers to a couple of guys who broke camp with the major league squad: Tyler Robertson and Liam Hendricks (both of whom are now back in Rochester with Perdomo). Now wearing the stubbly shadow left behind in Fort Meyers by Alex Burnett he's off to an inconsistent beginning with the Red Wings. [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2I8EA_27wWA/UCXfB8Hzd3I/AAAAAAAABbo/tCzWq7AGMaY/s200/Tony+Robbins.jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Peanuts from Heaven means no disrespect to Tony Robbins whatsoever...please don't sue.[/TD] [/TABLE] Following up on a suggestion from our offseason blue print last fall: we peanuts firmly believe that the solution is for Luis to unleash the power within! (However, since Tony Robbins is both unavailable to teach that to Luis and extremely litigious, we'd like to alter that instruction slightly. So Luis, in case you (like all humans with a functioning brain cell and access to the internet) google yourself in the near future. Here is our guide to DE-RESTRAINING A FORCE INSIDE YOU! Step 1: Take what is in you, and put it OUT THERE! Remember Luis, you are a source of power and dynamic energy. The human body is capable of incredible things, and, as an athlete, your body is capable of amaze-tastic things! You can do anything because you have the same bones, blood and muscles as thousands who have gone before you. (You could be a nobel laureate, or a world class inventor, or President of the Dominican Republic...or--and I'm just tossing this out there--you could be an above average major league relief pitcher!) But all that naturally existing energy and all those positive ions are trapped inside of ourselves, inside of our cores. It is up to us to let them out Luis! Visualize your strength! Visualize your stamina! Visualize your beard! And let it rise up through the surface and out into our real world. Let your strength flow through your arm and push the ball an extra mile-per-hour faster. Allow your stamina to expand your frame and fill you up with the will to go more than two-thirds of an inning. Permit your beard to be YOUR BEARD!! TAKE WHAT IS IN YOU AND PUT IT OUT THERE!! (This instruction was intended for Luis Perdomo only...following the Peanuts from Heaven De-Restraining a Force Inside You [DRAFIY] without specifically tailored guidance from a Peanuts From Heaven approved Force De-Restrainer may result in serious injury. Peanuts from Heaven is not liable for misinterpretations of their lessons...but please don't think this lesson is encouraging to remove your own appendix...that's crazy talk)

Game 10 Mets 16 - Twins 5 [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://www.newyorker.com/images/covers/1925/1925_02_21_p233.jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Artists rendering of a Metropolitan player[/TD] [/TABLE] Yeah...that happened. But on the plus side, at least our name isn't a shortened form of the snobby title "Metropolitans". As in: "Oh, how droll! The Metropolitans have bested those cold weather klutzes in Minnesota! I must broach the topic with my Monacle repair man, when I go in for my bi-quarterly cleaning!" Game 11 Mets 4 - Twins 2 Returning to the team after surgery and rehab, Scott Diamond was warmly received. And through four shut out innings life was grand indeed as he pitched like he actually knew what he was doing. After finishing the fourth, Diamond returned to the dugout and got bearhugged by pitching coach Rick Anderson. "GOD I'VE MISSED YOU, SCOTT!! It's so good to see someone hit his spots and control the movement on his pitches. I can't tell you how awful it's been. I just...DON'T EVER LEAVE ME AGAIN!!" All this hugging and bromance was wonderful (though not exactly fun for Mike Pelfrey and Vance Worley to watch from their spots on the bench), however it did have the unfortunate side-effect of squeezing Diamond's very tender arm. This in turn led to an increase in his fatigue. Which led to giving up 7 straight hits and four runs. It also led to Justin Morneau cautiously avoiding all hug-happy coaches after his 7th inning homer helped the Twins avoid being no-hit. Game 12 Sleeted Out Rather than playing the game the Twins curled up in the club house with big bowls of popcorn and watched classic movies like The Princess Bride and The Land Before Time. Game 13 Twins 8 - Angels 2 Full disclosure, Stinky and I watched most of this game after attending a scotch tasting at Surdyk's in North Minneapolis. From what we can tell from our notes scribbled on a variety of bar napkins: Joe Mauer's plate approach seems light, airy and almost floral at first before finishing like a dagger, while Kevin Correia continues to undermine our expectations by flourishing glimpses of smoke mixed with a wide range of candied toffee, vanilla and butterscotch notes...or pitches or whatever...(Also the Glendronach 12 year went 2 for 4 with a homer). Game 14 Twins 8 - Angels 6 Continuing a ramp up of aggressive posturing since his grandfather's birthday: our supreme leader Chairman Mauer continued his assault on Los Angeles decrying them as a "harbinger of Western [Division] decadence, whose profligate spending on talent will forever leave their souls empty of the hard work and moral triumph that is present in every Twinnesotan heart." When asked about his own oversized contract, the Chairman (praises be upon his sideburns) smote the reporter with a cleanly struck single up the middle. Game 15 Snowed Out http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-v7mWPbCBZC4/SjkiYVJlpcI/AAAAAAAABJw/5lMZTiZqfZ4/s200/Statue.jpgUp until the last minute the Twins were planning on playing the game. But once it became clear that the school bus sent to pick up rosy-cheeked rookies Oswaldo Arcia and Aaron Hicks wouldn't make it, and when Brian Dozier, Chris Parmelee and Ryan Pressley asked their moms to "pretty-please" not take them to the stadium, they had no choice but to give it up and plan to play LA another day. This week's Mr Peanut: Chairman Joe Mauer This week's Nutty Buddy: Aaron Hicks (there's two kinds of Aaron Hicks fans, those who want him to go down to AAA and figure his game out, and those who want to make him a bowl of chicken noodle soup and promise him that it'll all work out in the end...we're the latter.)

Game 10 Mets 16 - Twins 5 [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://www.newyorker.com/images/covers/1925/1925_02_21_p233.jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Artists rendering of a Metropolitan player[/TD] [/TABLE] Yeah...that happened. But on the plus side, at least our name isn't a shortened form of the snobby title "Metropolitans". As in: "Oh, how droll! The Metropolitans have bested those cold weather klutzes in Minnesota! I must broach the topic with my Monacle repair man, when I go in for my bi-quarterly cleaning!" Game 11 Mets 4 - Twins 2 Returning to the team after surgery and rehab, Scott Diamond was warmly received. And through four shut out innings life was grand indeed as he pitched like he actually knew what he was doing. After finishing the fourth, Diamond returned to the dugout and got bearhugged by pitching coach Rick Anderson. "GOD I'VE MISSED YOU, SCOTT!! It's so good to see someone hit his spots and control the movement on his pitches. I can't tell you how awful it's been. I just...DON'T EVER LEAVE ME AGAIN!!" All this hugging and bromance was wonderful (though not exactly fun for Mike Pelfrey and Vance Worley to watch from their spots on the bench), however it did have the unfortunate side-effect of squeezing Diamond's very tender arm. This in turn led to an increase in his fatigue. Which led to giving up 7 straight hits and four runs. It also led to Justin Morneau cautiously avoiding all hug-happy coaches after his 7th inning homer helped the Twins avoid being no-hit. Game 12 Sleeted Out Rather than playing the game the Twins curled up in the club house with big bowls of popcorn and watched classic movies like The Princess Bride and The Land Before Time. Game 13 Twins 8 - Angels 2 Full disclosure, Stinky and I watched most of this game after attending a scotch tasting at Surdyk's in North Minneapolis. From what we can tell from our notes scribbled on a variety of bar napkins: Joe Mauer's plate approach seems light, airy and almost floral at first before finishing like a dagger, while Kevin Correia continues to undermine our expectations by flourishing glimpses of smoke mixed with a wide range of candied toffee, vanilla and butterscotch notes...or pitches or whatever...(Also the Glendronach 12 year went 2 for 4 with a homer). Game 14 Twins 8 - Angels 6 Continuing a ramp up of aggressive posturing since his grandfather's birthday: our supreme leader Chairman Mauer continued his assault on Los Angeles decrying them as a "harbinger of Western [Division] decadence, whose profligate spending on talent will forever leave their souls empty of the hard work and moral triumph that is present in every Twinnesotan heart." When asked about his own oversized contract, the Chairman (praises be upon his sideburns) smote the reporter with a cleanly struck single up the middle. Game 15 Snowed Out http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-v7mWPbCBZC4/SjkiYVJlpcI/AAAAAAAABJw/5lMZTiZqfZ4/s200/Statue.jpgUp until the last minute the Twins were planning on playing the game. But once it became clear that the school bus sent to pick up rosy-cheeked rookies Oswaldo Arcia and Aaron Hicks wouldn't make it, and when Brian Dozier, Chris Parmelee and Ryan Pressley asked their moms to "pretty-please" not take them to the stadium, they had no choice but to give it up and plan to play LA another day. This week's Mr Peanut: Chairman Joe Mauer This week's Nutty Buddy: Aaron Hicks (there's two kinds of Aaron Hicks fans, those who want him to go down to AAA and figure his game out, and those who want to make him a bowl of chicken noodle soup and promise him that it'll all work out in the end...we're the latter.)

Game 10 Mets 16 - Twins 5 [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://www.newyorker.com/images/covers/1925/1925_02_21_p233.jpg [/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Artists rendering of a Metropolitan player [/TD] [/TABLE] Yeah...that happened. But on the plus side, at least our name isn't a shortened form of the snobby title "Metropolitans". As in: "Oh, how droll! The Metropolitans have bested those cold weather klutzes in Minnesota! I must broach the topic with my Monacle repair man, when I go in for my bi-quarterly cleaning!" Game 11 Mets 4 - Twins 2 Returning to the team after surgery and rehab, Scott Diamond was warmly received. And through four shut out innings life was grand indeed as he pitched like he actually knew what he was doing. After finishing the fourth, Diamond returned to the dugout and got bearhugged by pitching coach Rick Anderson. "GOD I'VE MISSED YOU, SCOTT!! It's so good to see someone hit his spots and control the movement on his pitches. I can't tell you how awful it's been. I just...DON'T EVER LEAVE ME AGAIN!!" All this hugging and bromance was wonderful (though not exactly fun for Mike Pelfrey and Vance Worley to watch from their spots on the bench), however it did have the unfortunate side-effect of squeezing Diamond's very tender arm. This in turn led to an increase in his fatigue. Which led to giving up 7 straight hits and four runs. It also led to Justin Morneau cautiously avoiding all hug-happy coaches after his 7th inning homer helped the Twins avoid being no-hit. Game 12 Sleeted Out Rather than playing the game the Twins curled up in the club house with big bowls of popcorn and watched classic movies like The Princess Bride and The Land Before Time. [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://www.thegreenwellystop.co.uk/whiskyshop/images/uploads/Glendronach/Oct11-Glendronach12O-1.jpg [/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Quietly consistent... [/TD] [/TABLE] Game 13 Twins 8 - Angels 2 Full disclosure, Stinky and I watched most of this game after attending a scotch tasting at Surdyk's in North Minneapolis. From what we can tell from our notes scribbled on a variety of bar napkins: Joe Mauer's plate approach seems light, airy and almost floral at first before finishing like a dagger, while Kevin Correia continues to undermine our expectations by flourishing glimpses of smoke mixed with a wide range of candied toffee, vanilla and butterscotch notes...or pitches or whatever...(Also the Glendronach 12 year went 2 for 4 with a homer). Game 14 Twins 8 - Angels 6 Continuing a ramp up of aggressive posturing since his grandfather's birthday: our supreme leader Chairman Mauer continued his assault on Los Angeles decrying them as a "harbinger of Western [Division] decadence, whose profligate spending on talent will forever leave their souls empty of the hard work and moral triumph that is present in every Twinnesotan heart." When asked about his own oversized contract, the Chairman (praises be upon his sideburns) smote the reporter with a cleanly struck single up the middle. Game 15 Snowed Out http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-v7mWPbCBZC4/SjkiYVJlpcI/AAAAAAAABJw/5lMZTiZqfZ4/s200/Statue.jpgUp until the last minute the Twins were planning on playing the game. But once it became clear that the school bus sent to pick up rosy-cheeked rookies Oswaldo Arcia and Aaron Hicks wouldn't make it, and when Brian Dozier, Chris Parmelee and Ryan Pressley asked their moms to "pretty-please" not take them to the stadium, they had no choice but to give it up and plan to play LA another day. This week's Mr Peanut: Chairman Joe Mauer This week's Nutty Buddy: Aaron Hicks (there's two kinds of Aaron Hicks fans, those who want him to go down to AAA and figure his game out, and those who want to make him a bowl of chicken noodle soup and promise him that it'll all work out in the end...we're the latter.)

Game 10 Mets 16 - Twins 5 [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://www.newyorker.com/images/covers/1925/1925_02_21_p233.jpg [/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Artists rendering of a Metropolitan player [/TD] [/TABLE] Yeah...that happened. But on the plus side, at least our name isn't a shortened form of the snobby title "Metropolitans". As in: "Oh, how droll! The Metropolitans have bested those cold weather klutzes in Minnesota! I must broach the topic with my Monacle repair man, when I go in for my bi-quarterly cleaning!" Game 11 Mets 4 - Twins 2 Returning to the team after surgery and rehab, Scott Diamond was warmly received. And through four shut out innings life was grand indeed as he pitched like he actually knew what he was doing. After finishing the fourth, Diamond returned to the dugout and got bearhugged by pitching coach Rick Anderson. "GOD I'VE MISSED YOU, SCOTT!! It's so good to see someone hit his spots and control the movement on his pitches. I can't tell you how awful it's been. I just...DON'T EVER LEAVE ME AGAIN!!" All this hugging and bromance was wonderful (though not exactly fun for Mike Pelfrey and Vance Worley to watch from their spots on the bench), however it did have the unfortunate side-effect of squeezing Diamond's very tender arm. This in turn led to an increase in his fatigue. Which led to giving up 7 straight hits and four runs. It also led to Justin Morneau cautiously avoiding all hug-happy coaches after his 7th inning homer helped the Twins avoid being no-hit. Game 12 Sleeted Out Rather than playing the game the Twins curled up in the club house with big bowls of popcorn and watched classic movies like The Princess Bride and The Land Before Time. [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://www.thegreenwellystop.co.uk/whiskyshop/images/uploads/Glendronach/Oct11-Glendronach12O-1.jpg [/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Quietly consistent... [/TD] [/TABLE] Game 13 Twins 8 - Angels 2 Full disclosure, Stinky and I watched most of this game after attending a scotch tasting at Surdyk's in North Minneapolis. From what we can tell from our notes scribbled on a variety of bar napkins: Joe Mauer's plate approach seems light, airy and almost floral at first before finishing like a dagger, while Kevin Correia continues to undermine our expectations by flourishing glimpses of smoke mixed with a wide range of candied toffee, vanilla and butterscotch notes...or pitches or whatever...(Also the Glendronach 12 year went 2 for 4 with a homer). Game 14 Twins 8 - Angels 6 Continuing a ramp up of aggressive posturing since his grandfather's birthday: our supreme leader Chairman Mauer continued his assault on Los Angeles decrying them as a "harbinger of Western [Division] decadence, whose profligate spending on talent will forever leave their souls empty of the hard work and moral triumph that is present in every Twinnesotan heart." When asked about his own oversized contract, the Chairman (praises be upon his sideburns) smote the reporter with a cleanly struck single up the middle. Game 15 Snowed Out http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-v7mWPbCBZC4/SjkiYVJlpcI/AAAAAAAABJw/5lMZTiZqfZ4/s200/Statue.jpgUp until the last minute the Twins were planning on playing the game. But once it became clear that the school bus sent to pick up rosy-cheeked rookies Oswaldo Arcia and Aaron Hicks wouldn't make it, and when Brian Dozier, Chris Parmelee and Ryan Pressley asked their moms to "pretty-please" not take them to the stadium, they had no choice but to give it up and plan to play LA another day. This week's Mr Peanut: Chairman Joe Mauer This week's Nutty Buddy: Aaron Hicks (there's two kinds of Aaron Hicks fans, those who want him to go down to AAA and figure his game out, and those who want to make him a bowl of chicken noodle soup and promise him that it'll all work out in the end...we're the latter.)

Game 10 Mets 16 - Twins 5 [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://www.newyorker.com/images/covers/1925/1925_02_21_p233.jpg [/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Artists rendering of a Metropolitan player [/TD] [/TABLE] Yeah...that happened. But on the plus side, at least our name isn't a shortened form of the snobby title "Metropolitans". As in: "Oh, how droll! The Metropolitans have bested those cold weather klutzes in Minnesota! I must broach the topic with my Monacle repair man, when I go in for my bi-quarterly cleaning!" Game 11 Mets 4 - Twins 2 Returning to the team after surgery and rehab, Scott Diamond was warmly received. And through four shut out innings life was grand indeed as he pitched like he actually knew what he was doing. After finishing the fourth, Diamond returned to the dugout and got bearhugged by pitching coach Rick Anderson. "GOD I'VE MISSED YOU, SCOTT!! It's so good to see someone hit his spots and control the movement on his pitches. I can't tell you how awful it's been. I just...DON'T EVER LEAVE ME AGAIN!!" All this hugging and bromance was wonderful (though not exactly fun for Mike Pelfrey and Vance Worley to watch from their spots on the bench), however it did have the unfortunate side-effect of squeezing Diamond's very tender arm. This in turn led to an increase in his fatigue. Which led to giving up 7 straight hits and four runs. It also led to Justin Morneau cautiously avoiding all hug-happy coaches after his 7th inning homer helped the Twins avoid being no-hit. Game 12 Sleeted Out Rather than playing the game the Twins curled up in the club house with big bowls of popcorn and watched classic movies like The Princess Bride and The Land Before Time. [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://www.thegreenwellystop.co.uk/whiskyshop/images/uploads/Glendronach/Oct11-Glendronach12O-1.jpg [/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Quietly consistent... [/TD] [/TABLE] Game 13 Twins 8 - Angels 2 Full disclosure, Stinky and I watched most of this game after attending a scotch tasting at Surdyk's in North Minneapolis. From what we can tell from our notes scribbled on a variety of bar napkins: Joe Mauer's plate approach seems light, airy and almost floral at first before finishing like a dagger, while Kevin Correia continues to undermine our expectations by flourishing glimpses of smoke mixed with a wide range of candied toffee, vanilla and butterscotch notes...or pitches or whatever...(Also the Glendronach 12 year went 2 for 4 with a homer). Game 14 Twins 8 - Angels 6 Continuing a ramp up of aggressive posturing since his grandfather's birthday: our supreme leader Chairman Mauer continued his assault on Los Angeles decrying them as a "harbinger of Western [Division] decadence, whose profligate spending on talent will forever leave their souls empty of the hard work and moral triumph that is present in every Twinnesotan heart." When asked about his own oversized contract, the Chairman (praises be upon his sideburns) smote the reporter with a cleanly struck single up the middle. Game 15 Snowed Out http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-v7mWPbCBZC4/SjkiYVJlpcI/AAAAAAAABJw/5lMZTiZqfZ4/s200/Statue.jpgUp until the last minute the Twins were planning on playing the game. But once it became clear that the school bus sent to pick up rosy-cheeked rookies Oswaldo Arcia and Aaron Hicks wouldn't make it, and when Brian Dozier, Chris Parmelee and Ryan Pressley asked their moms to "pretty-please" not take them to the stadium, they had no choice but to give it up and plan to play LA another day. This week's Mr Peanut: Chairman Joe Mauer This week's Nutty Buddy: Aaron Hicks (there's two kinds of Aaron Hicks fans, those who want him to go down to AAA and figure his game out, and those who want to make him a bowl of chicken noodle soup and promise him that it'll all work out in the end...we're the latter.)

Game 10 Mets 16 - Twins 5 [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://www.newyorker.com/images/covers/1925/1925_02_21_p233.jpg [/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Artists rendering of a Metropolitan player [/TD] [/TABLE] Yeah...that happened. But on the plus side, at least our name isn't a shortened form of the snobby title "Metropolitans". As in: "Oh, how droll! The Metropolitans have bested those cold weather klutzes in Minnesota! I must broach the topic with my Monacle repair man, when I go in for my bi-quarterly cleaning!" Game 11 Mets 4 - Twins 2 Returning to the team after surgery and rehab, Scott Diamond was warmly received. And through four shut out innings life was grand indeed as he pitched like he actually knew what he was doing. After finishing the fourth, Diamond returned to the dugout and got bearhugged by pitching coach Rick Anderson. "GOD I'VE MISSED YOU, SCOTT!! It's so good to see someone hit his spots and control the movement on his pitches. I can't tell you how awful it's been. I just...DON'T EVER LEAVE ME AGAIN!!" All this hugging and bromance was wonderful (though not exactly fun for Mike Pelfrey and Vance Worley to watch from their spots on the bench), however it did have the unfortunate side-effect of squeezing Diamond's very tender arm. This in turn led to an increase in his fatigue. Which led to giving up 7 straight hits and four runs. It also led to Justin Morneau cautiously avoiding all hug-happy coaches after his 7th inning homer helped the Twins avoid being no-hit. Game 12 Sleeted Out Rather than playing the game the Twins curled up in the club house with big bowls of popcorn and watched classic movies like The Princess Bride and The Land Before Time. [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://www.thegreenwellystop.co.uk/whiskyshop/images/uploads/Glendronach/Oct11-Glendronach12O-1.jpg [/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Quietly consistent... [/TD] [/TABLE] Game 13 Twins 8 - Angels 2 Full disclosure, Stinky and I watched most of this game after attending a scotch tasting at Surdyk's in North Minneapolis. From what we can tell from our notes scribbled on a variety of bar napkins: Joe Mauer's plate approach seems light, airy and almost floral at first before finishing like a dagger, while Kevin Correia continues to undermine our expectations by flourishing glimpses of smoke mixed with a wide range of candied toffee, vanilla and butterscotch notes...or pitches or whatever...(Also the Glendronach 12 year went 2 for 4 with a homer). Game 14 Twins 8 - Angels 6 Continuing a ramp up of aggressive posturing since his grandfather's birthday: our supreme leader Chairman Mauer continued his assault on Los Angeles decrying them as a "harbinger of Western [Division] decadence, whose profligate spending on talent will forever leave their souls empty of the hard work and moral triumph that is present in every Twinnesotan heart." When asked about his own oversized contract, the Chairman (praises be upon his sideburns) smote the reporter with a cleanly struck single up the middle. Game 15 Snowed Out http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-v7mWPbCBZC4/SjkiYVJlpcI/AAAAAAAABJw/5lMZTiZqfZ4/s200/Statue.jpgUp until the last minute the Twins were planning on playing the game. But once it became clear that the school bus sent to pick up rosy-cheeked rookies Oswaldo Arcia and Aaron Hicks wouldn't make it, and when Brian Dozier, Chris Parmelee and Ryan Pressley asked their moms to "pretty-please" not take them to the stadium, they had no choice but to give it up and plan to play LA another day. This week's Mr Peanut: Chairman Joe Mauer This week's Nutty Buddy: Aaron Hicks (there's two kinds of Aaron Hicks fans, those who want him to go down to AAA and figure his game out, and those who want to make him a bowl of chicken noodle soup and promise him that it'll all work out in the end...we're the latter.)

We're happy to keep guiding you through the strange but true events of the Twins 2013 season *Note: Events are not actually true, but would be very entertaining if they were. Here's our second edition of Twins recaps as only we can do them: inaccurately but chock full of puns and bad jokes! Game 4 Orioles 9-Twins 5 [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center] [/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]MASN Sports [/TD] [/TABLE] Picking up where he left off last year, Liam Hendricks was a frustrating mixture of promising and aggravating, wriggling out of a few jams but ultimately giving up four runs to the Orioles on the condition that they keep all Dingos in the greater Baltimore area on a firm leash. Despite Hendricks struggles, the Twins stayed in the game thanks to Brian Dozier's rosy-cheeked "Can-Do!" attitude which children find adorable and which fans will tolerate provided he doesn't air mail any throws to second.But sadly, Brian Dozier's hope of playing hero, as well as Tyler Robertson's hope of having an intimidating beard, was smashed by Baltimore's Chris "Crush" Davis. When asked why he hates all the Twins and Twins fans, and why he won't let us have nice things Davis replied: "Huh? What are you even talking about?" Game 5 Twins 6-Orioles 5 Hurt by Davis' confused dismissal of our totally reasonable, and not at all melodramatic reactions to the previous day's loss, Brian Dozier was sitting forlorn in the clubhouse until Justin Morneau (he of the broad shoulders and MVP award) asked what was wrong. Dozier sobbed: "Chris Davis wasn't playing nice! He just hits the ball hard and doesn't even care that we try to do the little things right! He's a real meanie, I don't want to play with him any more!" Morneau comforted the BrianDozer (well, as much as you can comfort an anthropomorphic bull dozer) saying, "don't worry Brian. You just keep trying to do the little things right, and remember that if you ever feel bullied by someone who hits the ball hard, just tell an adult and we'll fix things up." So it was that Morneau stood up to Chris "Crush" Davis, telling him in the third inning (after a line drive single), "you need to learn some manners, Mr. Davis." Replied Davis, "uhh....what?" [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-GqYERUbn_l0/SrKKL0l7qUI/AAAAAAAABRI/3sIhk9B6IGg/s320/Brawny+Morneau.jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]He teaches hitting...and manners[/TD] [/TABLE] Shaking his head with disappointment, Morneau responded, "if you don't know you clearly weren't paying attention to our feelings. In Canada we have a word for people like you: jerks. Just for that, I'll only be leaving one canister of maple syrup as a thank you gift for hosting us this weekend!" "I don't...why am I? Are we supposed to give hosting gifts?" "You'll see, after Chris hits this homerun...oh, you'll see...", replied Morneau and sure enough Chris Davis did see. He saw Chris Parmelee's home run, he saw his own costly error prolong the 9th inning, and he saw Justin Morneau capitalize on that error to drive in the game's winning run. "I hope you learned your lesson, Mr. Davis" said Morneau, again perched on first base. "Umm...yes?" "What was the lesson?" "To pretend I know what the hell you're talking about?" But this response was again, impolite to Justin's Canadian cultural mindset and to the ever sensitive Twins' youngsters and so.... Game 6 Twins 4-Orioles 3 The blood feud continued into Sunday, even though Chris Davis was still totally unaware of what he had done to irk the Twins so much. In the third inning, full of righteous indignation, Justin Morneau swung with all his might and lifted an easy fly ball to center. When it fell between Nate McClouth and Adam Jones, Morneau trotted into second, but didn't feel good about it. http://www.pressboxonline.com/upload/orioles12_davis2_483.jpgLooking back at first base he saw Chris Davis, in what Morneau assumed was a humble acknowledgement that he was wrong and Morneau was right and that he had agreed with McClouth and Jones to let the easy fly ball fall between them as a peace offering. (Davis was in fact, just doffing his cap to check out the girl in the 10th row) Moved by this kindness Morneau shouted out: "Sorry, Chris! Let's be buddies again! I'll give everybody a couple jars of maple syrup, mmmkay?!" Confused (as usual) Davis gave Morneau a thumbs up and moved on with his life. Though he struck out in a crucial situation and though his team did lose the game, he did end up with maple syrup, so he won at life. Game 7 Royals 3-Twins 1 Shockingly, Kevin Correia continued his solid performances as a starter, handcuffing the Kansas City bats for 7 stellar innings. His performance was so good that most fans who had heretofore decried his signing as "the worst thing to happen in the history of ever" were forced to reevaluate things and put a variety of genocides and Kristin Stewart's acting career ahead of him on the list of "worst things in the history of ever" again. As the tide was turning, Corriea, sensing a great disturbance in the Scapegoat force immediately set about correcting this, giving up three in the eighth to lose the game. Fans throughout Twins territory cheered...by booing. Game 8 [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center] [/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Do it for the Shocker!! [/TD] [/TABLE] Royals 7 - Twins 4 Returning to the media market closest to his beloved Wichita, Mike Pelfrey was determined to what his alma mater, the Wichita State Shockers, could not do: beat Louisville! Unfortunately, Pelfrey's attempts to throw balls so easy to hit that the Royals would launch them through the stratosphere, over the state of Missouri, Southern Illinois and right into Rick Pitino's face was not conducive to winning the game and the Twins dropped their second in a row. Game 9 Royals 3 - Twins 0 Winding up the road trip, the Twins were eager to get home, and, with a foul little storm blowing trough Kansas City, they didn't have a whole lot of motivation to go and do anything, not even pick up little Chris Parmelee or Brian Dozier from soccer practice or second base or whatever. [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-sIUWcprDKQQ/UUkeZ2niFLI/AAAAAAAACIo/pVVzvAnifFw/s320/ChrisParm.jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]So do we Chris, so do we[/TD] [/TABLE] Yup, the Twins went 0-11 with runners in scoring position, stranding 12 men Wednesday night. In fact, it wasn't until they went to the airport and Eduardo Escobar broke down crying that they realized they had left Brian Dozier on 1st base without telling him he could come back inside from the rain storm...(rookies...) Mr. Peanut Award (best player of the past week): Chris Parmelee (Last week's nutty buddy got on base or an RBI in every game of the road trip...even the one where he only had 1 at bat) Nutty Buddy Award (player who needs some support): Aaron Hicks (Batting .057 with strikeouts in almost half of his plate appearances shows that the man might need a little love)

We're happy to keep guiding you through the strange but true events of the Twins 2013 season *Note: Events are not actually true, but would be very entertaining if they were. Here's our second edition of Twins recaps as only we can do them: inaccurately but chock full of puns and bad jokes! Game 4 Orioles 9-Twins 5 [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center] [/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]MASN Sports [/TD] [/TABLE] Picking up where he left off last year, Liam Hendricks was a frustrating mixture of promising and aggravating, wriggling out of a few jams but ultimately giving up four runs to the Orioles on the condition that they keep all Dingos in the greater Baltimore area on a firm leash. Despite Hendricks struggles, the Twins stayed in the game thanks to Brian Dozier's rosy-cheeked "Can-Do!" attitude which children find adorable and which fans will tolerate provided he doesn't air mail any throws to second.But sadly, Brian Dozier's hope of playing hero, as well as Tyler Robertson's hope of having an intimidating beard, was smashed by Baltimore's Chris "Crush" Davis. When asked why he hates all the Twins and Twins fans, and why he won't let us have nice things Davis replied: "Huh? What are you even talking about?" Game 5 Twins 6-Orioles 5 Hurt by Davis' confused dismissal of our totally reasonable, and not at all melodramatic reactions to the previous day's loss, Brian Dozier was sitting forlorn in the clubhouse until Justin Morneau (he of the broad shoulders and MVP award) asked what was wrong. Dozier sobbed: "Chris Davis wasn't playing nice! He just hits the ball hard and doesn't even care that we try to do the little things right! He's a real meanie, I don't want to play with him any more!" Morneau comforted the BrianDozer (well, as much as you can comfort an anthropomorphic bull dozer) saying, "don't worry Brian. You just keep trying to do the little things right, and remember that if you ever feel bullied by someone who hits the ball hard, just tell an adult and we'll fix things up." So it was that Morneau stood up to Chris "Crush" Davis, telling him in the third inning (after a line drive single), "you need to learn some manners, Mr. Davis." Replied Davis, "uhh....what?" [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-GqYERUbn_l0/SrKKL0l7qUI/AAAAAAAABRI/3sIhk9B6IGg/s320/Brawny+Morneau.jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]He teaches hitting...and manners[/TD] [/TABLE] Shaking his head with disappointment, Morneau responded, "if you don't know you clearly weren't paying attention to our feelings. In Canada we have a word for people like you: jerks. Just for that, I'll only be leaving one canister of maple syrup as a thank you gift for hosting us this weekend!" "I don't...why am I? Are we supposed to give hosting gifts?" "You'll see, after Chris hits this homerun...oh, you'll see...", replied Morneau and sure enough Chris Davis did see. He saw Chris Parmelee's home run, he saw his own costly error prolong the 9th inning, and he saw Justin Morneau capitalize on that error to drive in the game's winning run. "I hope you learned your lesson, Mr. Davis" said Morneau, again perched on first base. "Umm...yes?" "What was the lesson?" "To pretend I know what the hell you're talking about?" But this response was again, impolite to Justin's Canadian cultural mindset and to the ever sensitive Twins' youngsters and so.... Game 6 Twins 4-Orioles 3 The blood feud continued into Sunday, even though Chris Davis was still totally unaware of what he had done to irk the Twins so much. In the third inning, full of righteous indignation, Justin Morneau swung with all his might and lifted an easy fly ball to center. When it fell between Nate McClouth and Adam Jones, Morneau trotted into second, but didn't feel good about it. http://www.pressboxonline.com/upload/orioles12_davis2_483.jpgLooking back at first base he saw Chris Davis, in what Morneau assumed was a humble acknowledgement that he was wrong and Morneau was right and that he had agreed with McClouth and Jones to let the easy fly ball fall between them as a peace offering. (Davis was in fact, just doffing his cap to check out the girl in the 10th row) Moved by this kindness Morneau shouted out: "Sorry, Chris! Let's be buddies again! I'll give everybody a couple jars of maple syrup, mmmkay?!" Confused (as usual) Davis gave Morneau a thumbs up and moved on with his life. Though he struck out in a crucial situation and though his team did lose the game, he did end up with maple syrup, so he won at life. Game 7 Royals 3-Twins 1 Shockingly, Kevin Correia continued his solid performances as a starter, handcuffing the Kansas City bats for 7 stellar innings. His performance was so good that most fans who had heretofore decried his signing as "the worst thing to happen in the history of ever" were forced to reevaluate things and put a variety of genocides and Kristin Stewart's acting career ahead of him on the list of "worst things in the history of ever" again. As the tide was turning, Corriea, sensing a great disturbance in the Scapegoat force immediately set about correcting this, giving up three in the eighth to lose the game. Fans throughout Twins territory cheered...by booing. Game 8 [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center] [/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Do it for the Shocker!! [/TD] [/TABLE] Royals 7 - Twins 4 Returning to the media market closest to his beloved Wichita, Mike Pelfrey was determined to what his alma mater, the Wichita State Shockers, could not do: beat Louisville! Unfortunately, Pelfrey's attempts to throw balls so easy to hit that the Royals would launch them through the stratosphere, over the state of Missouri, Southern Illinois and right into Rick Pitino's face was not conducive to winning the game and the Twins dropped their second in a row. Game 9 Royals 3 - Twins 0 Winding up the road trip, the Twins were eager to get home, and, with a foul little storm blowing trough Kansas City, they didn't have a whole lot of motivation to go and do anything, not even pick up little Chris Parmelee or Brian Dozier from soccer practice or second base or whatever. [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-sIUWcprDKQQ/UUkeZ2niFLI/AAAAAAAACIo/pVVzvAnifFw/s320/ChrisParm.jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]So do we Chris, so do we[/TD] [/TABLE] Yup, the Twins went 0-11 with runners in scoring position, stranding 12 men Wednesday night. In fact, it wasn't until they went to the airport and Eduardo Escobar broke down crying that they realized they had left Brian Dozier on 1st base without telling him he could come back inside from the rain storm...(rookies...) Mr. Peanut Award (best player of the past week): Chris Parmelee (Last week's nutty buddy got on base or an RBI in every game of the road trip...even the one where he only had 1 at bat) Nutty Buddy Award (player who needs some support): Aaron Hicks (Batting .057 with strikeouts in almost half of his plate appearances shows that the man might need a little love)

Growing up, there were three songs that would invariably draw my entire family in to the tv room: "One Shining Moment", "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" and "The James Bond Theme". Last Friday (after Chris Davis crushed the hopes of Twins fans with a game-winning grand slam), I watched a James Bond documentary (Everything or Nothing available on Netflix streaming) to cheer myself up. [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container, align: center] http://cdn.wittysparks.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/05/007.jpg?a26616 [TD=class: tr-caption]This will all make sense...I promise[/TD] [/TABLE] As a result I started to see all kinds of overlaps between the movies many of us love, and the team pretty much anybody reading this care about. And while hearing all about the two principle topics amongst Twins nerds this last week--how good is it to have Joe Mauer batting 2nd (courtesy of Gleeman and the Geek), and why is being "closer" the only thing that Glen Perkins can do (courtesy of Twitter freakouts)--I couldn't help but think that both the documentary and the Twins conversations all have to deal with the idea of "playing a specific role". After all, you can practically picture the casting notices for each of these positions Starring Role: James Bond Debonair British spy capable of crushing a man's trachea and cracking bed springs with foreign hotties. (All commonwealth accents accepted, black hair preferred) Seeking #2 Hitter should be (1) able to get on base, (2) able to run reasonably well (scrappiness a plus) Searching for: A Closer Will be pitching the 9th inning ONLY, should limit runners, throw hard, handle stress and only worry about pitching the 9th inning. Sometimes you have exactly the right person for the part (see: Brosnan, Pierce; Castillo, Luis; Nathan, Joe). However, just because these are the expectations doesn't mean that likely candidates for the job will always succeed (anyone who has suffered through Sean Connery's Never Say Never Again or watched Matt Capps pitch with the game on the line will attest to that). But with the way the Twins' franchise has been going lately, having obvious candidates for the job is increasingly rare. [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ODd5UXo1nps/UDzPLhwJ7DI/AAAAAAAAGv8/t0twru-KABE/s200/blandshad.jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Another Craig/Mauer parrallel[/TD] [/TABLE] One option the Twins have, now that players obviously suited to a role are longer an option, is to try something different and unexpected. That's where Daniel Craig comes in as Bond, and that's where Joe Mauer comes in as the #2 hitter. Remember, Craig was seen as too short, too unknown and too blonde to be Bond when he first got the job. Mauer can certainly get on base, but speed? scrappiness? I don't think so. Of course, the fans came to love Craig as Bond (or at least buy tickets to see him), and if early excitement is any indication, Twins fans are okay with letting Mauer bat a little more frequently than he has been. While it might chafe at Gardy's sense of baseball "tradition", it's got fans pumped and willing to try something new. The other thing the Twins can do, since obvious selections are no longer an option, is to do something slightly less daring than "different and unexpected" (hence, more likely in the Twin Cities). Rather than taking a wild shot at totally different options, the Twins can go with someone they knew and trusted, hoping that they could rise up to the standards in time (the rotating flotilla of #2 hitters from Tolbert to Casilla to Dozier proves that). That style of casting echoes the hiring of Roger Moore, a popular sort-of-Bond actor, who also had been a friend of Bond producers. The thing is, it took fans and ownership time to figure out what to do with Moore. After a couple average films, it was clear that the square-jawed, dry humor, animal magnetism wasn't going to be his thing like it was for Connery (or like poor George Lazenby tried to make it for himself). Instead Moore spawned a more cartoony Bond, with less toughness and more of an "aww-shucks-I-electrocuted-you" kind of effortless espionage. The crowds wanted a different take on Bond, and though it took some time, both producers and fans got it in the end. [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qlzl8L0eKh8/UJlsKs-M4QI/AAAAAAAAAa0/BfEl8eWceCg/s320/Roger-Moore-Moonraker-HD-Desktop-Wallpaper-1024x576.jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]This is your future, Glen. Don't fight it.[/TD] [/TABLE] So you can think of Glen Perkins as the Roger Moore of Twins territory. The truest heir to the mantle of "closer" since Joe Nathan's departure in 2011, Perkins was a known quantity, trusted by the coaching staff. So far, he has handled the same old part with aplomb, but fans of Perkins, and fans of the Twins are willing to see something other than the same old, same old. Perkins has been a big league starter (successfully at that). He's been good in middle-relief and set-up jobs. So why not put a new spin on the old part and let Perkins close down any inning where the lead's in trouble? Besides, if my analogy proves accurate, we're bound to end up with the Twins saving the world, killing a megalomaniac, and blowing up an evil lair. Translation: WE'RE GONNA FINALLY BEAT THE YANKEES!!

Growing up, there were three songs that would invariably draw my entire family in to the tv room: "One Shining Moment", "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" and "The James Bond Theme". Last Friday (after Chris Davis crushed the hopes of Twins fans with a game-winning grand slam), I watched a James Bond documentary (Everything or Nothing available on Netflix streaming) to cheer myself up. [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container, align: center] http://cdn.wittysparks.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/05/007.jpg?a26616 [TD=class: tr-caption]This will all make sense...I promise[/TD] [/TABLE] As a result I started to see all kinds of overlaps between the movies many of us love, and the team pretty much anybody reading this care about. And while hearing all about the two principle topics amongst Twins nerds this last week--how good is it to have Joe Mauer batting 2nd (courtesy of Gleeman and the Geek), and why is being "closer" the only thing that Glen Perkins can do (courtesy of Twitter freakouts)--I couldn't help but think that both the documentary and the Twins conversations all have to deal with the idea of "playing a specific role". After all, you can practically picture the casting notices for each of these positions Starring Role: James Bond Debonair British spy capable of crushing a man's trachea and cracking bed springs with foreign hotties. (All commonwealth accents accepted, black hair preferred) Seeking #2 Hitter should be (1) able to get on base, (2) able to run reasonably well (scrappiness a plus) Searching for: A Closer Will be pitching the 9th inning ONLY, should limit runners, throw hard, handle stress and only worry about pitching the 9th inning. Sometimes you have exactly the right person for the part (see: Brosnan, Pierce; Castillo, Luis; Nathan, Joe). However, just because these are the expectations doesn't mean that likely candidates for the job will always succeed (anyone who has suffered through Sean Connery's Never Say Never Again or watched Matt Capps pitch with the game on the line will attest to that). But with the way the Twins' franchise has been going lately, having obvious candidates for the job is increasingly rare. [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ODd5UXo1nps/UDzPLhwJ7DI/AAAAAAAAGv8/t0twru-KABE/s200/blandshad.jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Another Craig/Mauer parrallel[/TD] [/TABLE] One option the Twins have, now that players obviously suited to a role are longer an option, is to try something different and unexpected. That's where Daniel Craig comes in as Bond, and that's where Joe Mauer comes in as the #2 hitter. Remember, Craig was seen as too short, too unknown and too blonde to be Bond when he first got the job. Mauer can certainly get on base, but speed? scrappiness? I don't think so. Of course, the fans came to love Craig as Bond (or at least buy tickets to see him), and if early excitement is any indication, Twins fans are okay with letting Mauer bat a little more frequently than he has been. While it might chafe at Gardy's sense of baseball "tradition", it's got fans pumped and willing to try something new. The other thing the Twins can do, since obvious selections are no longer an option, is to do something slightly less daring than "different and unexpected" (hence, more likely in the Twin Cities). Rather than taking a wild shot at totally different options, the Twins can go with someone they knew and trusted, hoping that they could rise up to the standards in time (the rotating flotilla of #2 hitters from Tolbert to Casilla to Dozier proves that). That style of casting echoes the hiring of Roger Moore, a popular sort-of-Bond actor, who also had been a friend of Bond producers. The thing is, it took fans and ownership time to figure out what to do with Moore. After a couple average films, it was clear that the square-jawed, dry humor, animal magnetism wasn't going to be his thing like it was for Connery (or like poor George Lazenby tried to make it for himself). Instead Moore spawned a more cartoony Bond, with less toughness and more of an "aww-shucks-I-electrocuted-you" kind of effortless espionage. The crowds wanted a different take on Bond, and though it took some time, both producers and fans got it in the end. [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qlzl8L0eKh8/UJlsKs-M4QI/AAAAAAAAAa0/BfEl8eWceCg/s320/Roger-Moore-Moonraker-HD-Desktop-Wallpaper-1024x576.jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]This is your future, Glen. Don't fight it.[/TD] [/TABLE] So you can think of Glen Perkins as the Roger Moore of Twins territory. The truest heir to the mantle of "closer" since Joe Nathan's departure in 2011, Perkins was a known quantity, trusted by the coaching staff. So far, he has handled the same old part with aplomb, but fans of Perkins, and fans of the Twins are willing to see something other than the same old, same old. Perkins has been a big league starter (successfully at that). He's been good in middle-relief and set-up jobs. So why not put a new spin on the old part and let Perkins close down any inning where the lead's in trouble? Besides, if my analogy proves accurate, we're bound to end up with the Twins saving the world, killing a megalomaniac, and blowing up an evil lair. Translation: WE'RE GONNA FINALLY BEAT THE YANKEES!!

In an effort to keep my blogging on a more consistent time-line, I have decided that rather than writing when the mood strikes me (or when I sigh dispiritedly at my inactivity), I will try to post short recaps of each series after they wrap up--this way I have a regular time to write and a consistent subject to write about. Of course, while lots of people will tell you what happened, only we Peanuts can tell you what happened...in our imagination! Game 1 Tigers 4-Twins 2 When the game time temperature is 33 degrees, you tend to assume it's late October...or that you're playing in Nome. That temperature scared most players into bundling up, but our own resident Wild Vanimal, Vance Worley, went out hurling in his shirt sleeves. After struggling in the early innings, numbness set in and Worley was able to do his job effectively. However the offense was somewhat lacking, as only our great and glorious Chairman Joe Mau...er picked up hits off Tigers' ace/opening day starter/video-game-cover-boy/beloved boyfriend of supermodels everywhere: Justin Verlander. Said Chairman Mauer of his continued hostilities with the Detroit Righty "We shall not allow the Tiger pups' imperial aggression to stand. Strikeouts are capitalist thievery of our people's glorious love of hitting. Our vengeance for today's defeat shall be swift and permanent!" [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container, align: center] http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-vFAhZ0kE8mc/SwtPhJzXtCI/AAAAAAAABUY/TGTgSFzVRWo/s400/Mauer+Poster+2.jpg [TD=class: tr-caption](Also...our nuclear reactor is totally connected to the power grid)[/TD] [/TABLE] Game 2 Twins 3-Tigers 2 [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-iozSigXzsU4/UUkPnjPXzmI/AAAAAAAACH4/Png-BLVkQKQ/s200/Scapegoat%252713.jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Correia before the post-game buffet of tin cans[/TD] [/TABLE] Following Monday's pledge from the chairman, the Twin fans approached Wednesday's game slightly warmer, but much more hesitant to cheer (as evidenced by the scant 22,000 people who paid...and even fewer who turned up). This might well be attributed to your favorite scapegoat and mine: Kevin Correia who couldn't even stink as terribly as we all thought he would when signed over the winter, becoming the second Twin pitcher to have a quality start in as many games. Still, the Twins trailed after Correia left the game and continued to do so until the 9th inning when Eduardo Escobar (who?) hit a double off the wall in left. Escobar (him, you sure?) delivered the tying and winning runs to allow the local team to celebrate in grand style. Some of them even congratulated Escobar (really, him?) even though they occasionally called him "Pedro" or "Alexei" by accident. Game 3 Twins 8-Tigers 2 With a record above .500 there's for the taking, it was widely assumed that the Twins would lose and lose horribly to keep order in the universe. This did not happen. So now that we have a chaotic universe, does it really matter that Mike Pelfry pitched well in his first start since Tommy John surgery? (both runs were unearned) Now that the randomness of genetic inanity will lead to fish flying and birds swimming, does it really matter that Josh Willingham and Trevor Plouffe both homered? With black turning into white and Keannu Reeves inheriting the title of "Greatest Actor Ever", should we really care that Aaron Hicks got his first base hit and Ryan Pressley got his first strikeout? Logically the answer should be no...but since there is no order in the universe logic is for suckers and yes! HUZZAH FOR THE TWINS!! To wrap up, we'll pass out a few awards, because, honestly, they'll probably be some of the only awards we win this year. Our Mr. Peanut (Best Player of the Series): Justin Morneau (consistent hitting, getting on base and fishing innumerable Pedro Florimon throws out of the dirt) Our Nutty Buddy (Player who needs a little support): Chris Parmelee (the heir apparent to Morneau's spot in the order had a rougher start: 1 for 10 with 5 Ks, but he did catch Torii Hunter on a throw to third)

In an effort to keep my blogging on a more consistent time-line, I have decided that rather than writing when the mood strikes me (or when I sigh dispiritedly at my inactivity), I will try to post short recaps of each series after they wrap up--this way I have a regular time to write and a consistent subject to write about. Of course, while lots of people will tell you what happened, only we Peanuts can tell you what happened...in our imagination! Game 1 Tigers 4-Twins 2 When the game time temperature is 33 degrees, you tend to assume it's late October...or that you're playing in Nome. That temperature scared most players into bundling up, but our own resident Wild Vanimal, Vance Worley, went out hurling in his shirt sleeves. After struggling in the early innings, numbness set in and Worley was able to do his job effectively. However the offense was somewhat lacking, as only our great and glorious Chairman Joe Mau...er picked up hits off Tigers' ace/opening day starter/video-game-cover-boy/beloved boyfriend of supermodels everywhere: Justin Verlander. Said Chairman Mauer of his continued hostilities with the Detroit Righty "We shall not allow the Tiger pups' imperial aggression to stand. Strikeouts are capitalist thievery of our people's glorious love of hitting. Our vengeance for today's defeat shall be swift and permanent!" [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container, align: center] http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-vFAhZ0kE8mc/SwtPhJzXtCI/AAAAAAAABUY/TGTgSFzVRWo/s400/Mauer+Poster+2.jpg [TD=class: tr-caption](Also...our nuclear reactor is totally connected to the power grid)[/TD] [/TABLE] Game 2 Twins 3-Tigers 2 [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-iozSigXzsU4/UUkPnjPXzmI/AAAAAAAACH4/Png-BLVkQKQ/s200/Scapegoat%252713.jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Correia before the post-game buffet of tin cans[/TD] [/TABLE] Following Monday's pledge from the chairman, the Twin fans approached Wednesday's game slightly warmer, but much more hesitant to cheer (as evidenced by the scant 22,000 people who paid...and even fewer who turned up). This might well be attributed to your favorite scapegoat and mine: Kevin Correia who couldn't even stink as terribly as we all thought he would when signed over the winter, becoming the second Twin pitcher to have a quality start in as many games. Still, the Twins trailed after Correia left the game and continued to do so until the 9th inning when Eduardo Escobar (who?) hit a double off the wall in left. Escobar (him, you sure?) delivered the tying and winning runs to allow the local team to celebrate in grand style. Some of them even congratulated Escobar (really, him?) even though they occasionally called him "Pedro" or "Alexei" by accident. Game 3 Twins 8-Tigers 2 With a record above .500 there's for the taking, it was widely assumed that the Twins would lose and lose horribly to keep order in the universe. This did not happen. So now that we have a chaotic universe, does it really matter that Mike Pelfry pitched well in his first start since Tommy John surgery? (both runs were unearned) Now that the randomness of genetic inanity will lead to fish flying and birds swimming, does it really matter that Josh Willingham and Trevor Plouffe both homered? With black turning into white and Keannu Reeves inheriting the title of "Greatest Actor Ever", should we really care that Aaron Hicks got his first base hit and Ryan Pressley got his first strikeout? Logically the answer should be no...but since there is no order in the universe logic is for suckers and yes! HUZZAH FOR THE TWINS!! To wrap up, we'll pass out a few awards, because, honestly, they'll probably be some of the only awards we win this year. Our Mr. Peanut (Best Player of the Series): Justin Morneau (consistent hitting, getting on base and fishing innumerable Pedro Florimon throws out of the dirt) Our Nutty Buddy (Player who needs a little support): Chris Parmelee (the heir apparent to Morneau's spot in the order had a rougher start: 1 for 10 with 5 Ks, but he did catch Torii Hunter on a throw to third)