PeanutsFromHeaven

On Friday Mrs. Peanut and I will go to England/Scotland on vacation, this means there will be very few PFH blogs coming out (I have a few scheduled to drop in absentia), but in preparation for that and as fine example of laziness time-management, I'm using a blog from another site: The Montanan Hooligans' World Cup Center since it relates to why I love baseball. If what I write makes you even slightly curious about more soccer writing, feel free to check that out...and know that while baseball might be hard to come by in merry old England...soccer...probably easier. [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container, align: center] [TD=align: center]http://f.cl.ly/items/3R212C0V1w3X0d373H0m/twins.png[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]I'll Buy This (mwillis.com)[/TD] [/TABLE] XI Reasons Being a Baseball Fan Makes it Easy to Be a Soccer Fan (and vice-versa) I. Under the surface strategy: Don't get me wrong, a well placed 3 run homer or penalty kick is all well and good, but more often than not it's not what you see happening on the ball, it's what's happening away from it that matters. Did the outfielders really leave the left field line open for Joe Mauer? Did you see how Asamoah Gyan made that run to the back post? Totally drew the defenses attention away from Dede Ayew. There's always something more to see than what you see. II. Minimal interruptions: The best games of baseball simply roll through, pitchers working quickly, catches made or missed, hits and walks building into rallies and sides swapping chances one after another. The same is true in soccer: passes and movements flowing seamlessly up and down the pitch for forty-five minutes at a time without a single commercial break. Sometimes there have to be bullpen bucket brigades, sometimes there's an obnoxious array of feigned injuries that eat up valuable time...but at their best the only thing that matters is playing the game. III. Players pay their dues: Both baseball and soccer have baby-faced phenoms who soar into view out of nowhere and take the world by storm (your Mike Trouts and Neymars, for example). But even the young bucks have to work their way up to the top: through Clearwater and Round Rock and Scranton until you get to Yankee Stadium or battling through Eindhoven and Valencia en route to London. But at the top levels of the game there are both phenoms and well seasoned vets who arrived at this stage through dedication and perseverance. http://www.spirit-wrestlers.com/photos/1953_Ty_Cobb_sm.jpghttp://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2011/12/16/article-2074930-0C491B25000005DC-474_468x338.jpg Cobb and Maradona would be best friends...after they killed each other IV. Body types are no bar: Speaking of dedication and perseverance, you don't watch soccer or baseball with the sense that they are totally different than you. Take the top 5 baseball players of all time (by WAR [excluding Barry *Human Asterix* Bonds]: Ruth, Young, W. Johnson, Mays and Cobb). Their slightly taller than average (5'10" [Mays] to 6'2 [Johnson], and range from 170 pounds (Cobb) to 220 (Ruth), unlike the sky scraping NBA's top 5 (by PER: Jordan, James, O'Neal, Chamberlain and Robinson--all over 6'6") or the NFLs (by AVV: Favre, Rice, Manning, White and Lewis--all over 200 lbs, [minus Rice its 220]). Soccer players have a similar everyman quality about them--with the one exception that none of them had Ruth's hot dogs and beer diet--but world renowned names like Pele, Maradona, Johann Cruyff and Franz Beckenbauer are all under 6 feet. Helping you dream that just maybe you could do it too. V. Whole new world of statistical analysis: While I've often been accused of being a numbers-averse, story heavy fan/writer, I absolutely appreciate well employed statistical analysis. And increasingly Soccer has started using advanced stats with serious foresight. Added into a vocabulary full of BABIP and VORP comes PS% (Pass Success %) and ADW (Aerial Duels Won). Heck, FIFA even sold naming rights to a statistic to Castrol! So as someone who appreciates their affectionate nerdery with a dash of numbers, it's an ideal situation. VI. Long Season as an Asset: Part of the reason statistical analysis works so well in baseball and increasingly in soccer is the sheer size of the season, you can be confident that you're getting a good sample size with six months worth of games. Better still, you get to know players and story lines as they develop, and you also get a sense that every game counts because pennants are a badge of honor in baseball (and one of the only ways into the playoffs) and they are the whole kit and caboodle in futbol. While soccer does have a variety of in-season tournaments (an idea I floated on my own baseball blog), there's a great deal to savor in every game, no matter where you stand. [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://cdn.wl.uproxx.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/Balotelli.jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Admire the honesty...until you get freaked out by how honest it could be....[/TD] [/TABLE] VII. Loyalty rewarded: Being a fan requires loyalty, sincerity and pride of purpose. It seems a little silly to non-fans that you care so much about a group of men you'll never meet, and yet you really come to feel like you live with and for the players you watch every day, cheering on their successes and screaming over their failures. And in the end there are players who want to be every bit as loyal to their fans and their adopted home as the fans are to them, which is why Jim Thome tears up in Minnesota, and why Mario Balotelli still wants to play for Italy, no matter what obscenities some people throw his way. VIII. Front office strategy galore: Loyalty is great, but for many fans, winning is better. So I have to appreciate the cajoling, conniving and various intricacies of altering a roster to make your team better. It's not just Terry Ryan's trade talks, it's the waiver wire watching and the AAA call-ups. That's not an option in a lot of other sports, but it is in soccer. Twice a year ownership groups go on spending sprees that would make the worst shopaholics blanche. They scour the globe for the best talents and drop a dime or two to bring them aboard (50 M seems to be the going rate for the best scorers these days). But that's not all...there's a raft of players in youth development programs itching for a call-up and rigorous competition among players already on the team striving to unseat one another. What will happen and where and with whom? Half the fun is that the hot-stove season never really ends. [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://www.hurriyetdailynews.com/images/news/201205/n_21519_4.jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Pretty awesome (Hurriyet Daily News)[/TD] [/TABLE] IX.Female fans, not objects: With three boys and a boy-at-heart, my mother might seem to care about sports out of self defense, but she really worried about the hole in Delmon Young's swing, the Viking's doomed defensive schemes, Wolves' missed passes and, of course, offsides traps. But she rolls her eyes every time football and basketball cameras zoom in on bouncing/bouyant cheerleaders, and she brought me up to do the same. Look around a baseball stadium and you find no cheerleaders or spirit squads, just women in the stands bemoaning bad middle relief or celebrating good plate discipline. The same thing holds true on soccer terraces (possibly because women in the US play the game at an elite international level), where every well paced pass and deflected shot are cause for joy or alarm. I don't think cheerleaders are evil...but I know I'd rather be around women who know and love the game they're watching. X. Low scoring: This might be even less American than saying, I feel weirded out having eye candy cheerleaders shoved in my face. I like low scoring contests. I like it when runs or goals come at a premium rather than in a bundle, because it encourages you to relish every opportunity you get. It also highlights that, though you may fail, persistence is it's own reward. XI. Sweet satisfaction in toppling the almighty: One of the things that goes hand-in-hand with low scoring affairs, is that anyone can be beaten at any time. The Yankees may spend more than the gross national product of Belize, but scrape together a few runs and they can be beaten. Manchester City may drop more hundred dollar bills than Montgomery Burns taking out the trash, but sneak a late goal and they too can be beaten. It feels great to be a Twins fan when the pin-stripers are scratching their heads in dismay, and equally great when Watford unseats City (or, on a global scale--when the plucky old stars and stripes shocks England/Spain or any one of a host of European Goliaths). http://f.cl.ly/items/2o3R0J2q0b162V3Y1U28/millers.png It's easy to love sports. And when you love these things, it's easy to share the love between two great games. I'm looking forward to visiting the birthplace of one great game, and to a great year of both games.

Wow...I've heard some Terrible-Yankee-Fans stories...but that is the most terrible Terrible-Yankees-Fan story ever. Who in the world hurls profanity at an 11 year old supporting your opponents? (Oh right...d-bags) Great writing, if your blog is defunct, it really shouldn't be.

Rather than continually reposting the same stuff here as on my other website--and since these recaps are often (week) late--I'm going to trim down these posts to more manageable bite size single best game write ups I've got, and trust that if you want to read more you will find it at THIS WEBSITE! Game 69 Twins 7 - White Sox 5 The Twins do not care for power hitting. It hurts the feelings of our opponents after all, and we can't have that. But we're willing to make an exception for the White Sox. [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container, align: center] [TD=align: center]http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wnP_shfgWQM/TgYgI3wh92I/AAAAAAAAB5A/C12Qq8t3zyA/s1600/Mauer+Poster.jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Mauer the Great and Powerful[/TD] [/TABLE] Said Chairman Joe Mauer of his two-run homer: "Ya know...all things are possible through the will of the Twinnesotan Proletariat and ya know umm....My power will continue to make Twinnesota the greatest, strongest most powerful nation the world has ummm...ya know...ever known." Meanwhile, Ryan Doumit's game winning double was slammed to left center over the sounds of sweet smooth jazz and a beautiful sunset. For more recaps, a ballpark food haiku and the return of one of our very first memes be sure to check out the PFH home page on blogger.

Rather than continually reposting the same stuff here as on my other website--and since these recaps are often (week) late--I'm going to trim down these posts to more manageable bite size single best game write ups I've got, and trust that if you want to read more you will find it at THIS WEBSITE! Game 69 Twins 7 - White Sox 5 The Twins do not care for power hitting. It hurts the feelings of our opponents after all, and we can't have that. But we're willing to make an exception for the White Sox. [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container, align: center] [TD=align: center]http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wnP_shfgWQM/TgYgI3wh92I/AAAAAAAAB5A/C12Qq8t3zyA/s1600/Mauer+Poster.jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Mauer the Great and Powerful[/TD] [/TABLE] Said Chairman Joe Mauer of his two-run homer: "Ya know...all things are possible through the will of the Twinnesotan Proletariat and ya know umm....My power will continue to make Twinnesota the greatest, strongest most powerful nation the world has ummm...ya know...ever known." Meanwhile, Ryan Doumit's game winning double was slammed to left center over the sounds of sweet smooth jazz and a beautiful sunset. For more recaps, a ballpark food haiku and the return of one of our very first memes be sure to check out the PFH home page on blogger.

I brought this up with my wife last week, her response was elegant in it's simplicity: "What a Douche!" "I know," I replied, "I mean he does nice things in his community--" "Nope. He's a Douche." I love my wife.

That might be the best summation of Yankees fans dealing with the wider world I've yet read (heck, it's a pretty excellent summation of fandom in general). The more I wrote this, the less I felt I could snidely dismiss all Yankee fans, as I so often have done in the past. There are cool people who happen to cheer for the Yankees (some of them in my own family) and I definitely don't want to disrespect them at all. And at a certain point it's not even worth engaging with the douchey ones. But engaging them can be awfully funny too... Thanks for the comment!

This post (and a wealth of other goofy ones like it) is available at our independent website: Peanuts From Heaven Inc. http://blogs.villagevoice.com/runninscared/images/yankee_fans-600.jpg Most people have a "Yankees fans stink" story. Back at the Metrodome, my wife and her father sat in front of three "woo-girls" from Iowa, so desperate for Derek Jeter's attention that they squealed and shouted "pretty much every time he existed". The game didn't matter, just Jeter's existence. I was in a grad school class on research methods in education, proudly sporting a Twins jersey during game one of the 2009 ALDS. A guy in a gray Yankees jersey standing outside the room stared me down until I turned to see him. He then pounded his chest like a silver back gorilla and mouthed a few "you sucks" at me. Later in the class he returned having written down the scores from different innings to gloatingly inform me of the Twins' loss. I trust that many readers have their own stories: stories about bandwagon hoppers, profane screamers, self-deluded wannabes who think their shirsey is partially responsible for one of the last 27 World Championships. It's the kind of self-important egomania that is totally anathema to Minnesotan humility/shame/self-deprecation. The easy solution is to get mad, get defensive or get dismissive, but consider--for a moment--the tragedy of being a Yankees fan. Part of this has to do with a long standing theory of we Peanuts from Heaven (one that might answer Nick Nelson's supposition that: "A record that horrible [23-61 over 10 years] goes beyond what would be expected with even the most lopsided talent differentials. No, there's something else at play here, as if the universe were conspiring to keep the poor little Midwestern Twins under the thumb the Evil Empire"). [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Mrhn9eiw-Us/S-3RXKAGW4I/AAAAAAAABmw/veuuKo0IEVs/s200/Sparkles.jpg [/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Don't be fooled by the sparkles...he's a Yankpire [/TD] [/TABLE] You see, years ago Stinky/Mrs. Peanut discovered that, according to recent scholarship: vampires are the fastest, strongest, most powerful baseball playing creatures on the planet. As my wife reasoned, the Yankees are that fastest, strongest, most powerful baseball playing creatures on the planet. Ergo, the Yankees are vampires. (Or for the sake of our trademark: Yankpires) Over the years we have found a lot of photographic evidence to support this accusation. But there's more to vampires than simply dominating baseball games. Since Bram Stoker first reported Count Dracula's ability to exercise total control over the minds of others, innumerable others have suggested that vampires possesses psychic powers. So its reasonable to assume that the Yankpires also have psychic powers...psychic powers which they use to drain unsuspecting Yankee fans of their money, brain cells and human decency. By doing so, they add to their payroll which helps add to their speed, strength and power through free agency, thereby creating more Yankpires who need more Yankee fans to feed upon...it's a vicious circle. [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container, align: center] http://cdn0.sbnation.com/imported_assets/1058525/baseballyankeefans.gif [TD=class: tr-caption]Yankpire victims...oh the humanity [/TD] [/TABLE] Sure there are decent Yankees fans just as there are jerky Twins fans. I have a former student from New York who politely applauds everyone, a cousin who wears pinstripes to fit in at middle school, and a friend from grad school who disdained the jerk out the window as much as I did. But if we have any hope of ending the Yankpire hex on us--and any interest in making the world a better place, we have to cut off the Yankpire's source of sustenance...Yankee fan stupidity. [Cue "Arms of an Angel"] Won't you please help us save as many potential Yankpire victims as we can. [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://s7d5.scene7.com/is/image/TheBradfordExchangeOnline/replatformOverlays?layer=comp&wid=460&hei=460&fmt=jpeg,rgb&qlt=76,1&op_sharpen=0&resMode=bilin&op_usm=0.5,2.0,0,0&iccEmbed=0&$product_id=0301682001 [/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Won't you please help this baby avoid a future of jerkiness. [/TD] [/TABLE] It's so simple. Just donate your time and energy to not being a jackass. When you encounter a jerk-Yankee fan, don't repay their stupidity in equal measure. Chances are, there are other, embarrassed, Yankee fans near by. By just not being a total tool, you can help diminish the appeal of being a knob-ish Yankee fan instead of just a regular fan. Also, if you happen to play for the Twins...beating the vile vampires might also be helpful. You can make a difference, both to our present and to your children's future. Thank you for being a Twins fan, a Yankees fan, a baseball fan...AND a decent human being.

This post (and a wealth of other goofy ones like it) is available at our independent website: Peanuts From Heaven Inc. http://blogs.villagevoice.com/runninscared/images/yankee_fans-600.jpg Most people have a "Yankees fans stink" story. Back at the Metrodome, my wife and her father sat in front of three "woo-girls" from Iowa, so desperate for Derek Jeter's attention that they squealed and shouted "pretty much every time he existed". The game didn't matter, just Jeter's existence. I was in a grad school class on research methods in education, proudly sporting a Twins jersey during game one of the 2009 ALDS. A guy in a gray Yankees jersey standing outside the room stared me down until I turned to see him. He then pounded his chest like a silver back gorilla and mouthed a few "you sucks" at me. Later in the class he returned having written down the scores from different innings to gloatingly inform me of the Twins' loss. I trust that many readers have their own stories: stories about bandwagon hoppers, profane screamers, self-deluded wannabes who think their shirsey is partially responsible for one of the last 27 World Championships. It's the kind of self-important egomania that is totally anathema to Minnesotan humility/shame/self-deprecation. The easy solution is to get mad, get defensive or get dismissive, but consider--for a moment--the tragedy of being a Yankees fan. Part of this has to do with a long standing theory of we Peanuts from Heaven (one that might answer Nick Nelson's supposition that: "A record that horrible [23-61 over 10 years] goes beyond what would be expected with even the most lopsided talent differentials. No, there's something else at play here, as if the universe were conspiring to keep the poor little Midwestern Twins under the thumb the Evil Empire"). [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Mrhn9eiw-Us/S-3RXKAGW4I/AAAAAAAABmw/veuuKo0IEVs/s200/Sparkles.jpg [/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Don't be fooled by the sparkles...he's a Yankpire [/TD] [/TABLE] You see, years ago Stinky/Mrs. Peanut discovered that, according to recent scholarship: vampires are the fastest, strongest, most powerful baseball playing creatures on the planet. As my wife reasoned, the Yankees are that fastest, strongest, most powerful baseball playing creatures on the planet. Ergo, the Yankees are vampires. (Or for the sake of our trademark: Yankpires) Over the years we have found a lot of photographic evidence to support this accusation. But there's more to vampires than simply dominating baseball games. Since Bram Stoker first reported Count Dracula's ability to exercise total control over the minds of others, innumerable others have suggested that vampires possesses psychic powers. So its reasonable to assume that the Yankpires also have psychic powers...psychic powers which they use to drain unsuspecting Yankee fans of their money, brain cells and human decency. By doing so, they add to their payroll which helps add to their speed, strength and power through free agency, thereby creating more Yankpires who need more Yankee fans to feed upon...it's a vicious circle. [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container, align: center] http://cdn0.sbnation.com/imported_assets/1058525/baseballyankeefans.gif [TD=class: tr-caption]Yankpire victims...oh the humanity [/TD] [/TABLE] Sure there are decent Yankees fans just as there are jerky Twins fans. I have a former student from New York who politely applauds everyone, a cousin who wears pinstripes to fit in at middle school, and a friend from grad school who disdained the jerk out the window as much as I did. But if we have any hope of ending the Yankpire hex on us--and any interest in making the world a better place, we have to cut off the Yankpire's source of sustenance...Yankee fan stupidity. [Cue "Arms of an Angel"] Won't you please help us save as many potential Yankpire victims as we can. [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://s7d5.scene7.com/is/image/TheBradfordExchangeOnline/replatformOverlays?layer=comp&wid=460&hei=460&fmt=jpeg,rgb&qlt=76,1&op_sharpen=0&resMode=bilin&op_usm=0.5,2.0,0,0&iccEmbed=0&$product_id=0301682001 [/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Won't you please help this baby avoid a future of jerkiness. [/TD] [/TABLE] It's so simple. Just donate your time and energy to not being a jackass. When you encounter a jerk-Yankee fan, don't repay their stupidity in equal measure. Chances are, there are other, embarrassed, Yankee fans near by. By just not being a total tool, you can help diminish the appeal of being a knob-ish Yankee fan instead of just a regular fan. Also, if you happen to play for the Twins...beating the vile vampires might also be helpful. You can make a difference, both to our present and to your children's future. Thank you for being a Twins fan, a Yankees fan, a baseball fan...AND a decent human being.

[TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_74rxwcNBKQ/UUkasIXqzcI/AAAAAAAACIU/egClCMdtGK8/s200/Dedudebro.jpg [/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Look out ladies! [/TD] [/TABLE] Game 57 Twins 3 - Royals 0 Right after we honored him as Mr. Peanut for the past two weeks, Ryan Doumit kept it going all Magic Mike Style, bringing sexy back as only he can. Or like one other person can...because Samuel De-dude-bro joined in the party, rockin' the Royals like it ain't no thang. Proving that the Doumit/Deduno Combo plate is dangerous to opponents...not to mention, the ladies... Game 58 Royals 4 - Twins 1 In an effort to make games faster, the Twins and Royals agreed to decide the outcome of the game in the first inning. Making Daniel Lough's RBI double the difference maker. Unfortunately, they were still forced to play 9. [Cue sad trombone] Game 59 Royals 7 - Twins 3 I was all set to make another Mike Pelfrey crack since he gave up a one run lead in the sixth (as per the usual), but he ended up not giving up the go ahead run (an honor that went to Jared Burton instead). So it's progress! Let's have some celebratory Nickleback for Mike Pelfrey!! Game 60 (Rained out) There was a real honest-to-goodness hurricane near Washington DC Friday. So not playing was probably a wise choice (though Aaron Hicks did miss a chance to be sucked up and plopped down in the magical land of Oz..instead that happened on Sunday when he got injured) Game 61 Twins 4- Nationals 3 I recapped this game in my previous post about being a brother. But I'll just add this in a special aside to Nationals' fans. Ryan Doumit does not like being called "donut", your ineffective jeering was justly punished. Ball Park Food Haiku: Nationals Dog Preparation, Expectation, Joy Oh, it's still just a hot dog like laws, don't show me. Game 60 (Replay of Friday's Rain-out) Nationals 7 - Twins 0 The Twins were able to update their scouting report on the Nationals' starter after the game. It now reads: "Jordan Zimmerman can pitch baseballs very, very well. " Game 62 Nationals 5 - Twins 4 http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-IZDx5mZ9Mjc/S-wUncsQdFI/AAAAAAAABmg/MUjq84D4LvE/s200/Ninja+Denard.jpgThis series was the first reunion of the Twins with their favorite centerfield ninja of years gone by: Denard Span! There were plenty of laughs, lots of smiles, a few choice hummings of our "Save Big Money at Denard's jingle" and plenty of great bonding (not unlike the previous road trip's bonding with Carlos Gomez). But sadly, Denard. So perhaps we shouldn't have been surprised when he tripled in the tying run and finished the series with a 6/13 (.465) record against Twins pitching. But really, Denard, did you have to kitana slash Aaron Hicks' hammy? Oh, right you're a ninja, you probably did have to. does play for another team now, and he continues to have this crazy fixation with "playing well" Game 63 Twins 3 - Phillies 2 Speaking of former Centerfielders: Ben Revere returned to town with his new team the Phillies at the start of the week! (Also Delmon Young returned...[crickets chirping]) Meanwhile Justin Morneau decided to once again bring the badassery back to the batters box. By encouraging Josh Willingham and Oswaldo Arcia to join him in a Double-Hitting-Conga-Line, then swatting a game winning single in the 8th. Bravo Mr. Hotpants, bravo. Game 64 Twins 4 - Phillies 3 The first game that both Mrs. Peanut and I were able to attend together this season was a mixed bag. The couple innings of drizzle were less than cool. Mike Pelfrey surprisingly lasting six whole innings was alright. But our easy winner for Thing of the Day: Eduardo Escobar walking to the plate to "You're the One that I Want" from Grease. You have to be a whole lot of something to get pumped up by that song. Additionally, special kudos to game hero, Clete Thomas. Most people assume that Clete is short for Cletus...but in reality it's short for Cletington Aberforth Thomas VI. (I know this because once I called him "Cletington" he started getting hits. BallPark Food Haiku: Cabrito (Goat) Butter Burger w/Roasted Tomatoes, Onions and Pickles Soft and subtle meat Fresh veggies singing for you Wow...that price is right http://images.publicradio.org/content/2013/03/28/20130328_field-food1_33.jpg Game 65 Phillies 3 - Twins 2 Once upon a time, in 2010, the Minnesota Twins wanted a starting pitcher and really liked a young man with the Seattle Mariners named Cliff Lee. Cliff Lee was strong. Cliff Lee was tough. Cliff Lee had a record for not caring about big cities or major contracts (having gone from Cleveland to Philadelphia to Seattle with a smile on his face). So the Twins set out to get Cliff Lee offering top prospect Wilson Ramos for him...the Mariners said no. Cliff Lee went to Texas and took them to the World Series. The Twins got Carl Pavano and got bounced in the first round of the playoffs (again). Carl Pavano is out of the majors. The Twins have had two 90 loss seasons in a row. And Cliff Lee is still awesome (as evidenced by his strong performance this night). This has been another random story that some people think indicates the Twins' incompetence, but is actually just a set of facts. Game 66 Tigers 4 - Twins 0 Despite the many fevered protests of Ron Gardenhire, the umpires refused to count every inning but the sixth and the Twins were thusly shut out. We cannot confirm at this time whether or not the umpires commented on how adorable Gardy gets when he's angry. "Like an apopleptic garden gnome! Just SO CUTE!!" Crew Chief John Hirshbeck is reported to maybe have said. Game 67 Twins 6 - Tigers 3 [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Se6xeVdQFX0/Ub5Xm1HQsCI/AAAAAAAACKU/psvTyWaEZ4U/s200/AnnabelleSanchez.jpg [/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Annabelle Sanchez [/TD] [/TABLE] The Twins roughed up Anibal Sanchez and Darrin Downs en route to win against the division leaders. Meanwhile, in Bert Blyleven's mind "Annabelle" Sanchez was on the mound for the Tigers, because apparently "Ann-i-ball" is too phonetically difficult. Once Sanchez left the game early, this may have been what Annabelle wrote in his diary. Dear Diary, Oh my stars, how utterly horrid I feel today. I fear I have caught the shoulder vapors from that flying contraption Colonel Leyland insisted we use to come to Minnesota. But I musn't let the Colonel know, he frets so! I long for a return to my beloved Comerica Park, with its bushes and fountains and parasoles gaily dotting the seats. These Minnesotans are so unsporting! Rather than offering me a sun hat, or a glass of lemonade they made me throw a ball around like an animal! I simply had to leave the mound, even though it was a fine day, I couldn't stand the cruel barbs that Canadian Savage, "Morneau" I think it was?, hurled at me on the field. I shall try to regain my composure, but I'm simply too frail to endure these epithets. Heavens me, diary! Annabelle This has been another Bert Blyleven mispronunciation induced goof-off session. Game 68 Tigers 5 - Twins 2 The Twins clearly felt the pressure of impressing their dad's on Father's day, though it couldn't possibly have been as intimidating as trying to please the most withholding father of all time: Tywin Lannister. [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container, align: center] [TD=align: center]http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-rt6FkCs3GxM/Ub5Xpk2ghoI/AAAAAAAACKc/QWEH0aK0wjc/s320/TywinBBQ.jpg [/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Unimpressed. [/TD] [/TABLE] A sampling of Tywin-esque dad responses to Twins players "Of course I thought you pitched well, Samuel...it's just that Doug Fister was better than you in every conceivable way...also you probably killed your mother and ruined my life." "Yes, that was a nice home run Brian. But it wasn't a game winning home run now was it. So it might as well have been a strike out. Also, you probably killed your mother and ruined my life." "No, Cletington I don't care about your RBI. I'm a little busy winning a war, running a nation and gutting this elk for our barbecue. Run along and play your little games with your prostitutes....oh by the way, you probably killed your mother and ruined my life." etc. P.s. Congratulations to former Twin and long time Peanut favorite Torii Hunter on his 300th homerun! Mr. Peanut: Glen Perkins (It's partly a function of his job, but he's not giving up leads...so that's a plus!) Nutty-Buddy: Scott Diamond (Hey, Scott, Remember when you were the only good thing last year...we have more good things this year...be one of them)

[TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_74rxwcNBKQ/UUkasIXqzcI/AAAAAAAACIU/egClCMdtGK8/s200/Dedudebro.jpg [/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Look out ladies! [/TD] [/TABLE] Game 57 Twins 3 - Royals 0 Right after we honored him as Mr. Peanut for the past two weeks, Ryan Doumit kept it going all Magic Mike Style, bringing sexy back as only he can. Or like one other person can...because Samuel De-dude-bro joined in the party, rockin' the Royals like it ain't no thang. Proving that the Doumit/Deduno Combo plate is dangerous to opponents...not to mention, the ladies... Game 58 Royals 4 - Twins 1 In an effort to make games faster, the Twins and Royals agreed to decide the outcome of the game in the first inning. Making Daniel Lough's RBI double the difference maker. Unfortunately, they were still forced to play 9. [Cue sad trombone] Game 59 Royals 7 - Twins 3 I was all set to make another Mike Pelfrey crack since he gave up a one run lead in the sixth (as per the usual), but he ended up not giving up the go ahead run (an honor that went to Jared Burton instead). So it's progress! Let's have some celebratory Nickleback for Mike Pelfrey!! Game 60 (Rained out) There was a real honest-to-goodness hurricane near Washington DC Friday. So not playing was probably a wise choice (though Aaron Hicks did miss a chance to be sucked up and plopped down in the magical land of Oz..instead that happened on Sunday when he got injured) Game 61 Twins 4- Nationals 3 I recapped this game in my previous post about being a brother. But I'll just add this in a special aside to Nationals' fans. Ryan Doumit does not like being called "donut", your ineffective jeering was justly punished. Ball Park Food Haiku: Nationals Dog Preparation, Expectation, Joy Oh, it's still just a hot dog like laws, don't show me. Game 60 (Replay of Friday's Rain-out) Nationals 7 - Twins 0 The Twins were able to update their scouting report on the Nationals' starter after the game. It now reads: "Jordan Zimmerman can pitch baseballs very, very well. " Game 62 Nationals 5 - Twins 4 http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-IZDx5mZ9Mjc/S-wUncsQdFI/AAAAAAAABmg/MUjq84D4LvE/s200/Ninja+Denard.jpgThis series was the first reunion of the Twins with their favorite centerfield ninja of years gone by: Denard Span! There were plenty of laughs, lots of smiles, a few choice hummings of our "Save Big Money at Denard's jingle" and plenty of great bonding (not unlike the previous road trip's bonding with Carlos Gomez). But sadly, Denard. So perhaps we shouldn't have been surprised when he tripled in the tying run and finished the series with a 6/13 (.465) record against Twins pitching. But really, Denard, did you have to kitana slash Aaron Hicks' hammy? Oh, right you're a ninja, you probably did have to. does play for another team now, and he continues to have this crazy fixation with "playing well" Game 63 Twins 3 - Phillies 2 Speaking of former Centerfielders: Ben Revere returned to town with his new team the Phillies at the start of the week! (Also Delmon Young returned...[crickets chirping]) Meanwhile Justin Morneau decided to once again bring the badassery back to the batters box. By encouraging Josh Willingham and Oswaldo Arcia to join him in a Double-Hitting-Conga-Line, then swatting a game winning single in the 8th. Bravo Mr. Hotpants, bravo. Game 64 Twins 4 - Phillies 3 The first game that both Mrs. Peanut and I were able to attend together this season was a mixed bag. The couple innings of drizzle were less than cool. Mike Pelfrey surprisingly lasting six whole innings was alright. But our easy winner for Thing of the Day: Eduardo Escobar walking to the plate to "You're the One that I Want" from Grease. You have to be a whole lot of something to get pumped up by that song. Additionally, special kudos to game hero, Clete Thomas. Most people assume that Clete is short for Cletus...but in reality it's short for Cletington Aberforth Thomas VI. (I know this because once I called him "Cletington" he started getting hits. BallPark Food Haiku: Cabrito (Goat) Butter Burger w/Roasted Tomatoes, Onions and Pickles Soft and subtle meat Fresh veggies singing for you Wow...that price is right http://images.publicradio.org/content/2013/03/28/20130328_field-food1_33.jpg Game 65 Phillies 3 - Twins 2 Once upon a time, in 2010, the Minnesota Twins wanted a starting pitcher and really liked a young man with the Seattle Mariners named Cliff Lee. Cliff Lee was strong. Cliff Lee was tough. Cliff Lee had a record for not caring about big cities or major contracts (having gone from Cleveland to Philadelphia to Seattle with a smile on his face). So the Twins set out to get Cliff Lee offering top prospect Wilson Ramos for him...the Mariners said no. Cliff Lee went to Texas and took them to the World Series. The Twins got Carl Pavano and got bounced in the first round of the playoffs (again). Carl Pavano is out of the majors. The Twins have had two 90 loss seasons in a row. And Cliff Lee is still awesome (as evidenced by his strong performance this night). This has been another random story that some people think indicates the Twins' incompetence, but is actually just a set of facts. Game 66 Tigers 4 - Twins 0 Despite the many fevered protests of Ron Gardenhire, the umpires refused to count every inning but the sixth and the Twins were thusly shut out. We cannot confirm at this time whether or not the umpires commented on how adorable Gardy gets when he's angry. "Like an apopleptic garden gnome! Just SO CUTE!!" Crew Chief John Hirshbeck is reported to maybe have said. Game 67 Twins 6 - Tigers 3 [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Se6xeVdQFX0/Ub5Xm1HQsCI/AAAAAAAACKU/psvTyWaEZ4U/s200/AnnabelleSanchez.jpg [/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Annabelle Sanchez [/TD] [/TABLE] The Twins roughed up Anibal Sanchez and Darrin Downs en route to win against the division leaders. Meanwhile, in Bert Blyleven's mind "Annabelle" Sanchez was on the mound for the Tigers, because apparently "Ann-i-ball" is too phonetically difficult. Once Sanchez left the game early, this may have been what Annabelle wrote in his diary. Dear Diary, Oh my stars, how utterly horrid I feel today. I fear I have caught the shoulder vapors from that flying contraption Colonel Leyland insisted we use to come to Minnesota. But I musn't let the Colonel know, he frets so! I long for a return to my beloved Comerica Park, with its bushes and fountains and parasoles gaily dotting the seats. These Minnesotans are so unsporting! Rather than offering me a sun hat, or a glass of lemonade they made me throw a ball around like an animal! I simply had to leave the mound, even though it was a fine day, I couldn't stand the cruel barbs that Canadian Savage, "Morneau" I think it was?, hurled at me on the field. I shall try to regain my composure, but I'm simply too frail to endure these epithets. Heavens me, diary! Annabelle This has been another Bert Blyleven mispronunciation induced goof-off session. Game 68 Tigers 5 - Twins 2 The Twins clearly felt the pressure of impressing their dad's on Father's day, though it couldn't possibly have been as intimidating as trying to please the most withholding father of all time: Tywin Lannister. [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container, align: center] [TD=align: center]http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-rt6FkCs3GxM/Ub5Xpk2ghoI/AAAAAAAACKc/QWEH0aK0wjc/s320/TywinBBQ.jpg [/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Unimpressed. [/TD] [/TABLE] A sampling of Tywin-esque dad responses to Twins players "Of course I thought you pitched well, Samuel...it's just that Doug Fister was better than you in every conceivable way...also you probably killed your mother and ruined my life." "Yes, that was a nice home run Brian. But it wasn't a game winning home run now was it. So it might as well have been a strike out. Also, you probably killed your mother and ruined my life." "No, Cletington I don't care about your RBI. I'm a little busy winning a war, running a nation and gutting this elk for our barbecue. Run along and play your little games with your prostitutes....oh by the way, you probably killed your mother and ruined my life." etc. P.s. Congratulations to former Twin and long time Peanut favorite Torii Hunter on his 300th homerun! Mr. Peanut: Glen Perkins (It's partly a function of his job, but he's not giving up leads...so that's a plus!) Nutty-Buddy: Scott Diamond (Hey, Scott, Remember when you were the only good thing last year...we have more good things this year...be one of them)

It's time for Lesson Number 3 in our off-brand self-help seminar: Derestraining a Force Inside You. (If you want to read lessons 1 & 2 follow the links back to our original blogs...we'll even waive the $79.99 charge plus parking fees!) A series of motivational messages directed specifically at Twins AAA reliever Luis Perdomo. Remember this word Luis! 危机 What's that? You don't speak Mandarin? Oh...well if you did you'd be really impressed. You see, that's the traditional symbol for "crisis" in Mandarin pronounced "Weiji". It combines two other words "danger" and "opportunity" and that's what we want you to think about now Luis: Danger/Opportunity You see...you're at a dangerous point in your career. You're 29 years old on a minor league pitching staff where the average age is 27. You've been having the kind of season that got you released from your last organization. The franchise you play for just drafted 17 guys (including some 10 years your junior) all intent on taking your job. It may well be a crisis, but it can also be an opportunity. It's an opportunity to show that you can respond to the pressure. It's an opportunity to show that you are still the man who was impressive enough to move up from AA to the majors last season. It's an opportunity to rebound from adversity and put together your greatest performance yet. But it's unlikely to happen, so it's also a crisis. That's the lesson today Luis. Treat every dangerous situation as an opportunity and every opportunity as dangerous. It's the only way to respond to pressure and assert your dominance.

It's time for Lesson Number 3 in our off-brand self-help seminar: Derestraining a Force Inside You. (If you want to read lessons 1 & 2 follow the links back to our original blogs...we'll even waive the $79.99 charge plus parking fees!) A series of motivational messages directed specifically at Twins AAA reliever Luis Perdomo. Remember this word Luis! 危机 What's that? You don't speak Mandarin? Oh...well if you did you'd be really impressed. You see, that's the traditional symbol for "crisis" in Mandarin pronounced "Weiji". It combines two other words "danger" and "opportunity" and that's what we want you to think about now Luis: Danger/Opportunity You see...you're at a dangerous point in your career. You're 29 years old on a minor league pitching staff where the average age is 27. You've been having the kind of season that got you released from your last organization. The franchise you play for just drafted 17 guys (including some 10 years your junior) all intent on taking your job. It may well be a crisis, but it can also be an opportunity. It's an opportunity to show that you can respond to the pressure. It's an opportunity to show that you are still the man who was impressive enough to move up from AA to the majors last season. It's an opportunity to rebound from adversity and put together your greatest performance yet. But it's unlikely to happen, so it's also a crisis. That's the lesson today Luis. Treat every dangerous situation as an opportunity and every opportunity as dangerous. It's the only way to respond to pressure and assert your dominance.

Phew! It was a real relief to read this, after publishing my own draft recap blog only to find that you wrote coherently and amusingly, whereas I tossed out random mascot trivia. I really like the recaps and especially the human interest stories, and I do hope that Zach Granite and Ivory Thomas have many fine sculptural conversations.

It's that time once again, every year we "analyze" the Twins drafting decisions by summarizing the strengths and weaknesses of players. Rather than do that with any depth, direction or purpose (which is soooooo not our style), we rapidly blurt out 5 words and pass them off as "analysis" or "humorous"..hopefully you agree (and appreciate my endless attempts to reinvigorate the cliched "never give up on lefties) Thanks to the many fine folks at Twins Daily who compiled this list Apologies for the overuse of bold type...I can't figure out how to fix the formatting Right Handed Pitchers [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://www.examiner.com/images/blog/EXID4130/images/pirate.jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Last year we drafted two Jacksonville U Dolphins This year, two Seton Hall Pirates Keep the Dolphins in Line![/TD] [/TABLE]1-4 Kohl Stewart--Please bubble-wrap your arm 2-43 Ryan Eades--#2 Starter our #2 option 5-140 Aaron Slegers--Hoosier's already won @ Target Field! 7-200 Brian Gilbert--1 of 2 Seton Hall-ers WHEE PIRATES!!! 10-290 Charles Irby--Former DH versatile in bullpen 12-350 Ethan Mildren--Part of righty stockpile 13-380 Brandon Peterson--Big strong closer > puny starters 17-500 Tanner Mandonca--@TanTheMan13...12 other guys had that? 19-560 Jared Wilson--another part of righty stockpile 21-620 Tyler Stirewalt--Also the Fresno State QB...? 23-680 Zack Hayden--Terry Ryan: Stockpiler or Hoarder? 26-770 Ryan Halstead--Draft 2 Hoosiers, Get 1 FREE!! [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://www.kropserkel.com/Images/horsehead%20(9).jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]The offer to Logan Shore... one he can't refuse[/TD] [/TABLE]27-800 Taylor Blatch--Wiry...lean...MY NEW BUDDY! 29-860 Logan Shore--Signability questions...still gets offer 31-920 AJ Bogucki--Easily Best Name of Draftees 36-1070 Joseph Greenfield--Dropped 14 rounds from 2012 38-1130 Javier Salas--17 Righties? That's a hoard Left Handed Pitchers [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://mountiewire.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/AthleticFair1-199x300.jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Sorry Li'l Joe... Derrick's with us now.[/TD] [/TABLE]4-110 Stephen Gonsalves--Slipped rounds...$ makes it better 15-440 Derrick Penilla--TC Bear > Li'l Joe Mountie! 16-470 Brandon Bixler--Becomes Alliterative Roomies w/Byron Buxton 24-710 Brandon Easton--Lakeland Laker...leaves for LA 28-830 Chris Erwin--Hey, Leftie Give-uppers! YOU LOSE! 35-1040 Nick Lemoncelli--My Grandma Loves Lemoncelli's Limoncello 39-1160 Seth Wagner--Attended Dunder Mifflin HS (PA) Infielders 3-78 Stuart Turner, C--Someone's gotta catch those pitchers 6-170 Brian Navarreto, C--A couple someones actually... 8-230 Dustin DeMuth, 3B--Umpire Dana DeMuth's gotta favorite! [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://www.movievillains.com/images/octavius.jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Now he could do some fielding![/TD] [/TABLE]9-260 Mitchel Garver, C--ALREADY SIGNED, Get him sideburns! 11-320 Nelson Molina, MI--No relation to Alfred...sadly... 18-530 Ryan Walker, SS--Big Texan...where's the scrappy infielder? 22-650 Alex Swim, C--Might prefer pool to diamond 30-890 Tanner Vavra, 2B--Hoping he can hit* *(Note--this is based on my genuine hope that his dad taught him some things...Tanner is legally blind in one eye [as Brad Swanson] noted in his draft recap] so if he makes it, it would be pretty flippin' awesome.) 32-950 Carlos Avila, SS--5'11"...close enough..."HE'S SCRAPPY!" [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-uB139YM9H_g/Tokim4AiwKI/AAAAAAAAFnw/WOohIvv7mj8/s1600/MrSlate.gif[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Granite's last manager... Looks like Terry Ryan...[/TD] [/TABLE] Outfielders 14-410 Zack Granite--Played Outfield for Slate Quarry 20-590 Jason Kanzler--@JasonKanzler likes "moderate amounts-of-fun" 25-740 Chad Christianson--Congrats! You can leave Nebraska! 33-980 Steven Sensley--"OMG! OUTFIELDERS!!"--Twins Draft room 34-1010 Ivory Thomas--My wigs are purest outfielder... 37-1100 Julien Service--A Quebec Finance Service? 40-1190 Kelly Starness--Check-out line impulse buy

It's that time once again, every year we "analyze" the Twins drafting decisions by summarizing the strengths and weaknesses of players. Rather than do that with any depth, direction or purpose (which is soooooo not our style), we rapidly blurt out 5 words and pass them off as "analysis" or "humorous"..hopefully you agree (and appreciate my endless attempts to reinvigorate the cliched "never give up on lefties) Thanks to the many fine folks at Twins Daily who compiled this list Apologies for the overuse of bold type...I can't figure out how to fix the formatting Right Handed Pitchers [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://www.examiner.com/images/blog/EXID4130/images/pirate.jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Last year we drafted two Jacksonville U Dolphins This year, two Seton Hall Pirates Keep the Dolphins in Line![/TD] [/TABLE]1-4 Kohl Stewart--Please bubble-wrap your arm 2-43 Ryan Eades--#2 Starter our #2 option 5-140 Aaron Slegers--Hoosier's already won @ Target Field! 7-200 Brian Gilbert--1 of 2 Seton Hall-ers WHEE PIRATES!!! 10-290 Charles Irby--Former DH versatile in bullpen 12-350 Ethan Mildren--Part of righty stockpile 13-380 Brandon Peterson--Big strong closer > puny starters 17-500 Tanner Mandonca--@TanTheMan13...12 other guys had that? 19-560 Jared Wilson--another part of righty stockpile 21-620 Tyler Stirewalt--Also the Fresno State QB...? 23-680 Zack Hayden--Terry Ryan: Stockpiler or Hoarder? 26-770 Ryan Halstead--Draft 2 Hoosiers, Get 1 FREE!! [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://www.kropserkel.com/Images/horsehead%20(9).jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]The offer to Logan Shore... one he can't refuse[/TD] [/TABLE]27-800 Taylor Blatch--Wiry...lean...MY NEW BUDDY! 29-860 Logan Shore--Signability questions...still gets offer 31-920 AJ Bogucki--Easily Best Name of Draftees 36-1070 Joseph Greenfield--Dropped 14 rounds from 2012 38-1130 Javier Salas--17 Righties? That's a hoard Left Handed Pitchers [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://mountiewire.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/AthleticFair1-199x300.jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Sorry Li'l Joe... Derrick's with us now.[/TD] [/TABLE]4-110 Stephen Gonsalves--Slipped rounds...$ makes it better 15-440 Derrick Penilla--TC Bear > Li'l Joe Mountie! 16-470 Brandon Bixler--Becomes Alliterative Roomies w/Byron Buxton 24-710 Brandon Easton--Lakeland Laker...leaves for LA 28-830 Chris Erwin--Hey, Leftie Give-uppers! YOU LOSE! 35-1040 Nick Lemoncelli--My Grandma Loves Lemoncelli's Limoncello 39-1160 Seth Wagner--Attended Dunder Mifflin HS (PA) Infielders 3-78 Stuart Turner, C--Someone's gotta catch those pitchers 6-170 Brian Navarreto, C--A couple someones actually... 8-230 Dustin DeMuth, 3B--Umpire Dana DeMuth's gotta favorite! [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://www.movievillains.com/images/octavius.jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Now he could do some fielding![/TD] [/TABLE]9-260 Mitchel Garver, C--ALREADY SIGNED, Get him sideburns! 11-320 Nelson Molina, MI--No relation to Alfred...sadly... 18-530 Ryan Walker, SS--Big Texan...where's the scrappy infielder? 22-650 Alex Swim, C--Might prefer pool to diamond 30-890 Tanner Vavra, 2B--Hoping he can hit* *(Note--this is based on my genuine hope that his dad taught him some things...Tanner is legally blind in one eye [as Brad Swanson] noted in his draft recap] so if he makes it, it would be pretty flippin' awesome.) 32-950 Carlos Avila, SS--5'11"...close enough..."HE'S SCRAPPY!" [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-uB139YM9H_g/Tokim4AiwKI/AAAAAAAAFnw/WOohIvv7mj8/s1600/MrSlate.gif[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Granite's last manager... Looks like Terry Ryan...[/TD] [/TABLE] Outfielders 14-410 Zack Granite--Played Outfield for Slate Quarry 20-590 Jason Kanzler--@JasonKanzler likes "moderate amounts-of-fun" 25-740 Chad Christianson--Congrats! You can leave Nebraska! 33-980 Steven Sensley--"OMG! OUTFIELDERS!!"--Twins Draft room 34-1010 Ivory Thomas--My wigs are purest outfielder... 37-1100 Julien Service--A Quebec Finance Service? 40-1190 Kelly Starness--Check-out line impulse buy

I made plans for this weekend. I bought tickets to the Twins and the Nationals on Saturday, three of them. One for me, one for my older brother, and one for my eldest niece (2 years and 8 months as of Monday). I flew out right after giving students their last exam, and--with essays to grade on my tray table--got quietly more and more excited about the prospect of baseball with my family. This morning I went with said niece and my brother to the Air and Space Museum, enjoying my time as Uncle Silly Face (apparently my goatee has earned derision both in my classroom and in my family). We saw the LEM, the plane that broke the sound barrier, touched some moon rock and wen through Skylab three times (astronaut food--very exciting stuff to a two-year-old). Returning home I started to get supremely giddy, we would all get a nap, and then, we'd go to the ball game. Sadly one of us needed a little more nap time than the others (hint: it wasn't one of the boys). So, slightly disappointed not to share the moment with the "big girl" of the house, my brother and I headed off for Nationals Park, shortly after first pitch. We were both a little quiet, and I was awkwardly aware that it had been 18 months since we last saw each other. Lots of fatherhood (including the birth of a second child) had occurred in the interval. Suddenly, Iwas not sure how to act around this grown man I knew as a boy. [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-DO8HpGlSfZM/SghDYvlo5fI/AAAAAAAABHY/8I4B5hR_wnQ/s200/Mommas+day.jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]The Brother in question is in the middle [/TD] [/TABLE] My brother made me the man I am today. He came home from kindergarten with a piece of chalk and taught me to write my first words on a bit of plywood in our garage; ever since then, I've been fascinated with words and how to use them. He worked endlessly to be better in basketball and soccer and in doing so taught me to play hard, even if you don't have the talent to be the best; since then, I've always tried my hardest in sports and in life (despite having barely more strength than my aforementioned niece). He always seemed effervescently cool first in high school and then in college, but taught me that whatever that may look like it is nothing, nothing, compared to the happiness and elation that comes with falling in love first with your spouse/significant other and then with your children; now, I have found the same thing with my wife and look forward to having it with children (eventually). So we were both a little bummed, not to have his daughter, my niece along with us. And though we agreed the crowded, bumpy, queasifying metro rails of Washington DC were not ideal for a toddler, we were still a little tired, and I was a little distant as we entered the park in the bottom of the fifth. Two hot dogs, a couple sodas, a bag of peanuts, a dancing usher and one bizarre comment from drunken Nats fans nearby (apparently--in their minds--Kevin Correia is my friend, and his 6th inning strike reflects poorly on my worth as a human being) and we were back to what we always have been: brothers. We laughingly imagined what outfielders were saying to each other (and pictured Jayson Werth having a John Popper tattoo, secretly wishing the post-game-Blues-Traveller concert would start already). We caught each other up on our favorite teams--distinguishing Eduardo Escobar from Pedro Florimon took a little work, as did mastering the Roger Bernadina shark chomp. He stood and cheered a slick double play in the eighth, while I politely nodded my approval. I anxiously chewed my fingernails as Perkins closed the game, and he had the decency not to jeer the action. [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container, align: center] [TD=align: center]http://mlblogscookandsonbats.files.wordpress.com/2011/04/4-nationals-park-section-141-panorama-bp-thumb-550x217-2824681.jpg?w=550&h=217[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]View from our seats (taken by a much better photographer than me) [/TD] [/TABLE] The outcome of the game was really insignificant though. After 18 months we were together again and doing something we both loved. Watching a great game, laughing our butts off, and being brothers. There was sun in our faces, and there were hot dogs in our bellies. It would have been wonderful to share it all with a little one, but that time will come. You don't need a plan to have a good time.

I made plans for this weekend. I bought tickets to the Twins and the Nationals on Saturday, three of them. One for me, one for my older brother, and one for my eldest niece (2 years and 8 months as of Monday). I flew out right after giving students their last exam, and--with essays to grade on my tray table--got quietly more and more excited about the prospect of baseball with my family. This morning I went with said niece and my brother to the Air and Space Museum, enjoying my time as Uncle Silly Face (apparently my goatee has earned derision both in my classroom and in my family). We saw the LEM, the plane that broke the sound barrier, touched some moon rock and wen through Skylab three times (astronaut food--very exciting stuff to a two-year-old). Returning home I started to get supremely giddy, we would all get a nap, and then, we'd go to the ball game. Sadly one of us needed a little more nap time than the others (hint: it wasn't one of the boys). So, slightly disappointed not to share the moment with the "big girl" of the house, my brother and I headed off for Nationals Park, shortly after first pitch. We were both a little quiet, and I was awkwardly aware that it had been 18 months since we last saw each other. Lots of fatherhood (including the birth of a second child) had occurred in the interval. Suddenly, Iwas not sure how to act around this grown man I knew as a boy. [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-DO8HpGlSfZM/SghDYvlo5fI/AAAAAAAABHY/8I4B5hR_wnQ/s200/Mommas+day.jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]The Brother in question is in the middle [/TD] [/TABLE] My brother made me the man I am today. He came home from kindergarten with a piece of chalk and taught me to write my first words on a bit of plywood in our garage; ever since then, I've been fascinated with words and how to use them. He worked endlessly to be better in basketball and soccer and in doing so taught me to play hard, even if you don't have the talent to be the best; since then, I've always tried my hardest in sports and in life (despite having barely more strength than my aforementioned niece). He always seemed effervescently cool first in high school and then in college, but taught me that whatever that may look like it is nothing, nothing, compared to the happiness and elation that comes with falling in love first with your spouse/significant other and then with your children; now, I have found the same thing with my wife and look forward to having it with children (eventually). So we were both a little bummed, not to have his daughter, my niece along with us. And though we agreed the crowded, bumpy, queasifying metro rails of Washington DC were not ideal for a toddler, we were still a little tired, and I was a little distant as we entered the park in the bottom of the fifth. Two hot dogs, a couple sodas, a bag of peanuts, a dancing usher and one bizarre comment from drunken Nats fans nearby (apparently--in their minds--Kevin Correia is my friend, and his 6th inning strike reflects poorly on my worth as a human being) and we were back to what we always have been: brothers. We laughingly imagined what outfielders were saying to each other (and pictured Jayson Werth having a John Popper tattoo, secretly wishing the post-game-Blues-Traveller concert would start already). We caught each other up on our favorite teams--distinguishing Eduardo Escobar from Pedro Florimon took a little work, as did mastering the Roger Bernadina shark chomp. He stood and cheered a slick double play in the eighth, while I politely nodded my approval. I anxiously chewed my fingernails as Perkins closed the game, and he had the decency not to jeer the action. [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container, align: center] [TD=align: center]http://mlblogscookandsonbats.files.wordpress.com/2011/04/4-nationals-park-section-141-panorama-bp-thumb-550x217-2824681.jpg?w=550&h=217[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]View from our seats (taken by a much better photographer than me) [/TD] [/TABLE] The outcome of the game was really insignificant though. After 18 months we were together again and doing something we both loved. Watching a great game, laughing our butts off, and being brothers. There was sun in our faces, and there were hot dogs in our bellies. It would have been wonderful to share it all with a little one, but that time will come. You don't need a plan to have a good time.

There was agony during the last two weeks of Twins baseball (including 7 straight losses to run a losing streak to 10) and ecstasy (including winning 6 of their last 7). The season continues tonight in Kansas City, but before you see that game, let's review what happened in the last few weeks. Game 40 Red Sox 3 - Twins 2 Remember about a month ago, when we went into Boston and dominated the Red Sox to win 3 of 4? Turns out they didn't like that very much. And brought a rather curt "Don't Mess With Boston" attitude back to the Twin Cities. Game 41 Red Sox 15 - Twins 2 Make that very curt. Game 42 Red Sox 5 - Twins 1 Yup...Boston...don't mess with it...we get the message. Game 43 Braves 5 - Twins 1 Hitting the road again, the Twins returned to Atlanta for the first time since the 1991 World Series. In a sign of true southern hospitality Braves fans' loudly and persistently whined about how Kent Hrbek's "T-Rex Tag" play in Game 2 stole the World Series from them (leaving aside the missed opportunities in the rest of that game and when they failed to clinch in Games 6 or 7). So dumbfounded were the Twins and Kevin Correia (who only remembers loving Zubas in 1991) that they promptly lost the game. [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://platoonadvantage.files.wordpress.com/2010/02/turner2.gif?w=236 [/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]You stay classy Braves... [/TD] [/TABLE] Game 44 Braves 5 - Twins 4 Did you realize the Braves' still do the "Tomahawk Chop"...I mean...really...really? Really...Just yikes. I can only assume the Twins team was all so mad about that, that they couldn't focus on the game...and lost again. Game 45 Braves 8 - Twins 3 Interesting factoid! Several of the Twins are avid students of history including Vance Worley. When he realized he would get to pitch in Atlanta, the final destination for General Sherman's march to the sea during the Civil War, Worley practically exploded with joy: "It's awesome! All that history! the end of the campaign that crippled the rebel forces! We should celebrate guys! We should...We should....WE SHOULD BURN THIS MOTHER DOWN!!" Hearing this, Aaron Hicks made a simple suggestion: "You mean, play well, hit a couple homers and break our losing streak?" Worley replied: "No! Let's keep this losing streak burning! Let's go down in a fiery blaze of glorious death! 8 RUNS IN THE FOUR INNINGS! HERE WE GO!!!" Burn it down they did...and nowVance Worley will be able to continue his study of history in Rochester...hopefully he doesn't try to get to the ballpark by building an underground railroad... [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-whM28hnN9Hw/Sk0q9MCm6GI/AAAAAAAABL8/iTw-aUSUKNg/s200/Souls+aren%2527t+Meat.jpg [/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Prince Fielder Eater of Souls [/TD] [/TABLE] Game 46 Tigers 6 - Twins 5 Trying to end their week plus schnide, Josh Willingham entered Comerica Park and proclaimed: "BY THE POWER OF ASGAARD, WE SHALL NOT LOSE AGAIN**" [Note that he punctuated his claim not with exclamation points but with a pair of home runs.] However, Jared Burton does not believe in the Willinghammer or Norse Mythology (he prefers Celtic Lore, after all). And after ceding a double to tie the game, he was doomed when Prince Fielder announced: "BY THE POWER OF TOFURKEY, WE SHALL NOT LOSE!" For those keeping score at home, it appears Tofurkey > Asgaard. Game 47 Tigers 6 - Twins 0 At last! We were all able to witness the return of Samuel De-Dude-Bro. Who seemed so cool in the World Baseabll Classic, like he'd never ever hurt us...then came the second inning...and the third inning...and then the Twins were helpless against Anibal Sanchez and we lost our 10th game in a row. Meanwhile, in the mind of Bert Blyleven, who insists on calling Sanchez "Anna-belle" the Tigers pitcher followed each strike out and inning-ending escape by fluttering her glove in front of her face and saying "I do declare!! These Minnesotans are terribly droll aren't they Colonel?" Presumably at some point Jim Leyland spat tobacco in front of Annabelle and she proclaimed "dear me! how terribly uncouth, Colonel! Behavior like that is simply intolerable!" Then Anna-belle huffily sat in a corner plotting our downfall and the resurrection of her Peach plantation. This concludes another installment of "The Anna-belle Sanchez Diaries" by Bert Aalbert Blyleven. Game 48 Twins 3 - Tigers 2 True story, I didn't realize the Twins were playing the afternoon until the 7th when I told my wife Stinky aka Mrs. Peanut that we had a lead. Her response: "yeah...I'm not holding my breath". A good choice because we needed another hour to win the game. Sure we were happy to win a game for the first time in over a week, but I was happier still that my wife didn't pass out trying to prove a point. Game 49 Tigers 6 - Twins 1 http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-v7mWPbCBZC4/SjkiYVJlpcI/AAAAAAAABJw/5lMZTiZqfZ4/s200/Statue.jpgBen Franklin once said: "guests and fish start to stink after three days", were he alive today he would likely say: "guests and fish start to stink after three days; Mike Pelfrey starts to stink three pitches after people think he might get through the sixth inning". Game 50 Twins 6 - Brewers 3 On Memorial Day, our great and noble leader Chairman Joseph Mauer paid homage to the fallen by providing his own epic parade of run scoring. For as long as Minnesotans have toiled in the fields and the factories, the Chairman has watched and sought to repay that greatness with greatness of his own. So it was that each time the Chairman reached base he proceeded to circle all the bases with his customary precision and clarity of purpose to bring honor to Twins Territory. Game 51 Twins 6 - Brewers 5 http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-4i_rEFrWopY/SNzvO8bHR5I/AAAAAAAAAsE/of_CNfbyB1E/s200/Go-Gogo.jpgThe annual Twins/Brewers sleep over at Miller Park was just so much durned fun that the Brewers did not want it to end, least of all, Carlos Gomez who recently discovered that it is just as much fun to hit the ball as it is to catch the ball. As he said to his old pal Justin Morneau: "I DON'T EVER WANT TO GO TO BED! LETS PLAY BASEBALL ALL THE TIME!! WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Luckily, Gardy heard the ruckus Carlos was causing and said that he would allow the Brewers to sleep over in Minnesota the next two nights. Gogo celebrated by jumping up and down cheering as his new BFF Aaron Hicks stole a home run, hit a home run and a ground rule double that lead to the game winning run in the fourteenth. Quoth the Gogo: "WHEEEEEEEE BASEBALL!!!!!!!" [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_74rxwcNBKQ/UUkasIXqzcI/AAAAAAAACIU/egClCMdtGK8/s200/Dedudebro.jpg [/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Samuel DeDudeBro totally has some wine coolers... [/TD] [/TABLE] Game 52 Twins 4 - Brewers 1 In preparation for Grand Ol' Day that weekend, Samuel De-dude-bro prepared his best stuff to drop on the drunken honies, including classics like "did it hurt...when my curveball dropped right underneath your swing?" and "Hey baby, if you like my pitching you should see the way we hit it off" and finally: "'Sup?" Deduno dominated the Brewers...no word yet on how he did with inebriates in St. Paul. Game 53 Twins 8 - Brewers 6 [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-qYPXveu6k28/SlYRee2H53I/AAAAAAAABM8/K5sBzYGwQDg/s200/Loshe.jpg [/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Kyle Loshe (but not quite) [/TD] [/TABLE] The Twins/Brewers sleepover came to an end with the return of Kyle Loshe to a Minnesota mound. Then everyone remembered what a tool Kyle Loshe was, and promptly extracted revenge, launching 3 home runs in 5 batters. Additionally, Chris Parmelee continued his one man campaign to overwhelm the appeal of Wisconsin Cheddar by using his power hitting to emphasize the importance of Parmesan. Because what is better: oily greasy deep fried cheese curds, or a glorious eggplant parmesean? (...hmm...on second thought...) Game 54 Mariners 3 - Twins 0 Once again the bionic pitching machine known as Mike Pelfrey broke down just after multiple Twins fans thought to themselves: "Hey Pelfrey might just make it!" WRONG! Game 55 Twins 5 - Mariners 4 Once upon a time there was a Twins catcher...no not the sideburn-ed one, the other one. No not the feeble hitting back up, the other other one! [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-xOkp66w5UoA/UUZ-vXeBzVI/AAAAAAAACHQ/SbLGzd-m4GQ/s200/Ryan+Suave.jpg [/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Pretty good weeks for Ryan Suave [/TD] [/TABLE] Yes, that's the one: Ryan Doumit. Mr. Unbuttoned-Jersey. Mr. Sexy-And-I-Know-It. Mr. Sure-I'll-Ride-The-Bench-Catch-a-Couple-Days-Play-Right-Field-And-Keep-On-Hitting-Like-It-Ain't-No-Thang. (He'd make a terrible substitute teacher). And what did this man do of note you ask? Not much, just clear the bases with a triple and institute the first "Oh-my-god-the-Twins-won!" shared between random strangers since 2010. Bravo Ryan Suave, Bravo! Game 56 Twins 10 - Mariners 0 Dear Jeremy Bonderman, We missed you. Come back soon! Love, The Twins Mr. Peanut--Ryan Doumit (since going to Detroit, Doumit has had a Win Probability Added over 1.1--so he has given the Twins one more win than an average hitter in his same spot) Nutty-Buddy--Mike Pelfrey (Please send all spare nuts and bolts to Scott Boras Labs to repair Mike Pelfrey) Side Note: The school year ends on Friday, so hopefully I'll be able to post more regularly as of next week, but I'll also be travelling to Washington DC on Friday to take my 2 year old niece to her first baseball game when the Twins visit the Nationals. And to answer your question, yes, I will teach her to sing "Save Big Money" when Denard Span runs near by.

There was agony during the last two weeks of Twins baseball (including 7 straight losses to run a losing streak to 10) and ecstasy (including winning 6 of their last 7). The season continues tonight in Kansas City, but before you see that game, let's review what happened in the last few weeks. Game 40 Red Sox 3 - Twins 2 Remember about a month ago, when we went into Boston and dominated the Red Sox to win 3 of 4? Turns out they didn't like that very much. And brought a rather curt "Don't Mess With Boston" attitude back to the Twin Cities. Game 41 Red Sox 15 - Twins 2 Make that very curt. Game 42 Red Sox 5 - Twins 1 Yup...Boston...don't mess with it...we get the message. Game 43 Braves 5 - Twins 1 Hitting the road again, the Twins returned to Atlanta for the first time since the 1991 World Series. In a sign of true southern hospitality Braves fans' loudly and persistently whined about how Kent Hrbek's "T-Rex Tag" play in Game 2 stole the World Series from them (leaving aside the missed opportunities in the rest of that game and when they failed to clinch in Games 6 or 7). So dumbfounded were the Twins and Kevin Correia (who only remembers loving Zubas in 1991) that they promptly lost the game. [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://platoonadvantage.files.wordpress.com/2010/02/turner2.gif?w=236 [/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]You stay classy Braves... [/TD] [/TABLE] Game 44 Braves 5 - Twins 4 Did you realize the Braves' still do the "Tomahawk Chop"...I mean...really...really? Really...Just yikes. I can only assume the Twins team was all so mad about that, that they couldn't focus on the game...and lost again. Game 45 Braves 8 - Twins 3 Interesting factoid! Several of the Twins are avid students of history including Vance Worley. When he realized he would get to pitch in Atlanta, the final destination for General Sherman's march to the sea during the Civil War, Worley practically exploded with joy: "It's awesome! All that history! the end of the campaign that crippled the rebel forces! We should celebrate guys! We should...We should....WE SHOULD BURN THIS MOTHER DOWN!!" Hearing this, Aaron Hicks made a simple suggestion: "You mean, play well, hit a couple homers and break our losing streak?" Worley replied: "No! Let's keep this losing streak burning! Let's go down in a fiery blaze of glorious death! 8 RUNS IN THE FOUR INNINGS! HERE WE GO!!!" Burn it down they did...and nowVance Worley will be able to continue his study of history in Rochester...hopefully he doesn't try to get to the ballpark by building an underground railroad... [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-whM28hnN9Hw/Sk0q9MCm6GI/AAAAAAAABL8/iTw-aUSUKNg/s200/Souls+aren%2527t+Meat.jpg [/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Prince Fielder Eater of Souls [/TD] [/TABLE] Game 46 Tigers 6 - Twins 5 Trying to end their week plus schnide, Josh Willingham entered Comerica Park and proclaimed: "BY THE POWER OF ASGAARD, WE SHALL NOT LOSE AGAIN**" [Note that he punctuated his claim not with exclamation points but with a pair of home runs.] However, Jared Burton does not believe in the Willinghammer or Norse Mythology (he prefers Celtic Lore, after all). And after ceding a double to tie the game, he was doomed when Prince Fielder announced: "BY THE POWER OF TOFURKEY, WE SHALL NOT LOSE!" For those keeping score at home, it appears Tofurkey > Asgaard. Game 47 Tigers 6 - Twins 0 At last! We were all able to witness the return of Samuel De-Dude-Bro. Who seemed so cool in the World Baseabll Classic, like he'd never ever hurt us...then came the second inning...and the third inning...and then the Twins were helpless against Anibal Sanchez and we lost our 10th game in a row. Meanwhile, in the mind of Bert Blyleven, who insists on calling Sanchez "Anna-belle" the Tigers pitcher followed each strike out and inning-ending escape by fluttering her glove in front of her face and saying "I do declare!! These Minnesotans are terribly droll aren't they Colonel?" Presumably at some point Jim Leyland spat tobacco in front of Annabelle and she proclaimed "dear me! how terribly uncouth, Colonel! Behavior like that is simply intolerable!" Then Anna-belle huffily sat in a corner plotting our downfall and the resurrection of her Peach plantation. This concludes another installment of "The Anna-belle Sanchez Diaries" by Bert Aalbert Blyleven. Game 48 Twins 3 - Tigers 2 True story, I didn't realize the Twins were playing the afternoon until the 7th when I told my wife Stinky aka Mrs. Peanut that we had a lead. Her response: "yeah...I'm not holding my breath". A good choice because we needed another hour to win the game. Sure we were happy to win a game for the first time in over a week, but I was happier still that my wife didn't pass out trying to prove a point. Game 49 Tigers 6 - Twins 1 http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-v7mWPbCBZC4/SjkiYVJlpcI/AAAAAAAABJw/5lMZTiZqfZ4/s200/Statue.jpgBen Franklin once said: "guests and fish start to stink after three days", were he alive today he would likely say: "guests and fish start to stink after three days; Mike Pelfrey starts to stink three pitches after people think he might get through the sixth inning". Game 50 Twins 6 - Brewers 3 On Memorial Day, our great and noble leader Chairman Joseph Mauer paid homage to the fallen by providing his own epic parade of run scoring. For as long as Minnesotans have toiled in the fields and the factories, the Chairman has watched and sought to repay that greatness with greatness of his own. So it was that each time the Chairman reached base he proceeded to circle all the bases with his customary precision and clarity of purpose to bring honor to Twins Territory. Game 51 Twins 6 - Brewers 5 http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-4i_rEFrWopY/SNzvO8bHR5I/AAAAAAAAAsE/of_CNfbyB1E/s200/Go-Gogo.jpgThe annual Twins/Brewers sleep over at Miller Park was just so much durned fun that the Brewers did not want it to end, least of all, Carlos Gomez who recently discovered that it is just as much fun to hit the ball as it is to catch the ball. As he said to his old pal Justin Morneau: "I DON'T EVER WANT TO GO TO BED! LETS PLAY BASEBALL ALL THE TIME!! WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Luckily, Gardy heard the ruckus Carlos was causing and said that he would allow the Brewers to sleep over in Minnesota the next two nights. Gogo celebrated by jumping up and down cheering as his new BFF Aaron Hicks stole a home run, hit a home run and a ground rule double that lead to the game winning run in the fourteenth. Quoth the Gogo: "WHEEEEEEEE BASEBALL!!!!!!!" [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_74rxwcNBKQ/UUkasIXqzcI/AAAAAAAACIU/egClCMdtGK8/s200/Dedudebro.jpg [/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Samuel DeDudeBro totally has some wine coolers... [/TD] [/TABLE] Game 52 Twins 4 - Brewers 1 In preparation for Grand Ol' Day that weekend, Samuel De-dude-bro prepared his best stuff to drop on the drunken honies, including classics like "did it hurt...when my curveball dropped right underneath your swing?" and "Hey baby, if you like my pitching you should see the way we hit it off" and finally: "'Sup?" Deduno dominated the Brewers...no word yet on how he did with inebriates in St. Paul. Game 53 Twins 8 - Brewers 6 [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-qYPXveu6k28/SlYRee2H53I/AAAAAAAABM8/K5sBzYGwQDg/s200/Loshe.jpg [/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Kyle Loshe (but not quite) [/TD] [/TABLE] The Twins/Brewers sleepover came to an end with the return of Kyle Loshe to a Minnesota mound. Then everyone remembered what a tool Kyle Loshe was, and promptly extracted revenge, launching 3 home runs in 5 batters. Additionally, Chris Parmelee continued his one man campaign to overwhelm the appeal of Wisconsin Cheddar by using his power hitting to emphasize the importance of Parmesan. Because what is better: oily greasy deep fried cheese curds, or a glorious eggplant parmesean? (...hmm...on second thought...) Game 54 Mariners 3 - Twins 0 Once again the bionic pitching machine known as Mike Pelfrey broke down just after multiple Twins fans thought to themselves: "Hey Pelfrey might just make it!" WRONG! Game 55 Twins 5 - Mariners 4 Once upon a time there was a Twins catcher...no not the sideburn-ed one, the other one. No not the feeble hitting back up, the other other one! [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-xOkp66w5UoA/UUZ-vXeBzVI/AAAAAAAACHQ/SbLGzd-m4GQ/s200/Ryan+Suave.jpg [/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Pretty good weeks for Ryan Suave [/TD] [/TABLE] Yes, that's the one: Ryan Doumit. Mr. Unbuttoned-Jersey. Mr. Sexy-And-I-Know-It. Mr. Sure-I'll-Ride-The-Bench-Catch-a-Couple-Days-Play-Right-Field-And-Keep-On-Hitting-Like-It-Ain't-No-Thang. (He'd make a terrible substitute teacher). And what did this man do of note you ask? Not much, just clear the bases with a triple and institute the first "Oh-my-god-the-Twins-won!" shared between random strangers since 2010. Bravo Ryan Suave, Bravo! Game 56 Twins 10 - Mariners 0 Dear Jeremy Bonderman, We missed you. Come back soon! Love, The Twins Mr. Peanut--Ryan Doumit (since going to Detroit, Doumit has had a Win Probability Added over 1.1--so he has given the Twins one more win than an average hitter in his same spot) Nutty-Buddy--Mike Pelfrey (Please send all spare nuts and bolts to Scott Boras Labs to repair Mike Pelfrey) Side Note: The school year ends on Friday, so hopefully I'll be able to post more regularly as of next week, but I'll also be travelling to Washington DC on Friday to take my 2 year old niece to her first baseball game when the Twins visit the Nationals. And to answer your question, yes, I will teach her to sing "Save Big Money" when Denard Span runs near by.

It's a frickin' monsoon out there little rainy today, and rather than stare hopefully at the FSN rain delay, hoping that the game restarts and the Twins suddenly remember the good ol' days of two weeks ago when they could crush the Red Sox as easily as a twig under a space ship, we decided to revisit our old pal Luis Perdomo! Then we saw the statistics and remembered that Luis needs a motivation coach. So it's high time for lesson number two: (This instruction was intended for Luis Perdomo only...following the Peanuts from Heaven De-Restraining a Force Inside You [DRAFIY] without specifically tailored guidance from a Peanuts From Heaven approved Force De-Restrainer may result in serious injury. Peanuts from Heaven is not liable for misinterpretations of their lessons...but please don't think this lesson is encouraging to remove your own appendix...that's crazy talk) Lesson 2: When Life Hands You Lemons, See if You can't get Some Limes, Carbonated Water and High Fructose Corn Syrup to Make a Sugary Soft Drink! Let's not lie, let's not sugar coat it, let's not pretend that your dog is one new coat of nail polish away from winning the Miss America Project. There will be some hard times in your life and career Luis, hard times like the last two weeks where you gave up a run in all but one of your six appearances. But what matters is not which problems you face, but what you do in response. [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://shop.charactercompany.com/ekmps/shops/karinb/images/lemon-lime-soda-205-p.jpg [/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]The Ultimate Goal [/TD] [/TABLE] Other motivation coaches might tell you to turn those lemons into Lemonade, but those of us behind the De-Restraining a Force Inside You program, firmly believe that a new age calls for a new mindset. Why settle for Lemonade when you can have a Sugary Lemon-Lime flavored soft drink? After all, the lemonade might be refreshing, but only the soft-drink can be resold for tremendous profit and potential long term health consequences for your enemies! So yeah, it's not great that you've given up more walks than strikeouts (7 to 6), or that you've given up about as many hits as runs (13 and 12). But what do we do, Luis? We take all those problems and we turn them into a strength for you! Now your opponents have come to mistakenly believe that they can hit whatever you throw up there, but when you unleash your flaming fireballs of doom then there will be no recourse left to them...and if you have no flaming fireballs of doom, you can always use a slider or change-up, then BOOM now the opposition is crippled by your diabetes inducing awesomeness!

It's a frickin' monsoon out there little rainy today, and rather than stare hopefully at the FSN rain delay, hoping that the game restarts and the Twins suddenly remember the good ol' days of two weeks ago when they could crush the Red Sox as easily as a twig under a space ship, we decided to revisit our old pal Luis Perdomo! Then we saw the statistics and remembered that Luis needs a motivation coach. So it's high time for lesson number two: (This instruction was intended for Luis Perdomo only...following the Peanuts from Heaven De-Restraining a Force Inside You [DRAFIY] without specifically tailored guidance from a Peanuts From Heaven approved Force De-Restrainer may result in serious injury. Peanuts from Heaven is not liable for misinterpretations of their lessons...but please don't think this lesson is encouraging to remove your own appendix...that's crazy talk) Lesson 2: When Life Hands You Lemons, See if You can't get Some Limes, Carbonated Water and High Fructose Corn Syrup to Make a Sugary Soft Drink! Let's not lie, let's not sugar coat it, let's not pretend that your dog is one new coat of nail polish away from winning the Miss America Project. There will be some hard times in your life and career Luis, hard times like the last two weeks where you gave up a run in all but one of your six appearances. But what matters is not which problems you face, but what you do in response. [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://shop.charactercompany.com/ekmps/shops/karinb/images/lemon-lime-soda-205-p.jpg [/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]The Ultimate Goal [/TD] [/TABLE] Other motivation coaches might tell you to turn those lemons into Lemonade, but those of us behind the De-Restraining a Force Inside You program, firmly believe that a new age calls for a new mindset. Why settle for Lemonade when you can have a Sugary Lemon-Lime flavored soft drink? After all, the lemonade might be refreshing, but only the soft-drink can be resold for tremendous profit and potential long term health consequences for your enemies! So yeah, it's not great that you've given up more walks than strikeouts (7 to 6), or that you've given up about as many hits as runs (13 and 12). But what do we do, Luis? We take all those problems and we turn them into a strength for you! Now your opponents have come to mistakenly believe that they can hit whatever you throw up there, but when you unleash your flaming fireballs of doom then there will be no recourse left to them...and if you have no flaming fireballs of doom, you can always use a slider or change-up, then BOOM now the opposition is crippled by your diabetes inducing awesomeness!

Rumors of our demise our greatly exaggerated. Rumors of the school year ending, our student teacher leaving and our work load increasing dramatically are absolutely accurate. Here now, a pseudo-recap of the weeks since the Twins last got a day off. Game 27 Indians 7 - Twins 6 Long ago I first wrote about the magical Land of Cleve, a blighted kingdom where no team can win for long and where all the knights in the land eventually flee for other kingdom's with better salaries and dental packages. But a strange thing happened in the last year. The Land of Cleve, they have rebounded, regained themselves and found a new King! King Terry the Lost who shockingly has found powerful knights throughout his kingdom like Sir Michael the Speedy and Sir Swisher the Toolish (to complement the slightly quirky: .)So it was with much confusion that the Territory of Twinnesota entered the land of Cleve for the first battle of the year, only to find that, rather than rolling over and begging for mercy (as they normally do) the resilient knights of King Terry the Lost, rebounded until Sir Drew of the Swollen Toes delivered the fatal blow to our hopes [Wasn't that a lot more fun to read than just: "Drew Stubbs hit a walk-off..."] Game 28 Indians 7 - Twins 3 [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-iozSigXzsU4/UUkPnjPXzmI/AAAAAAAACH4/Png-BLVkQKQ/s200/Scapegoat%252713.jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Bad Correia!![/TD] [/TABLE] Kevin Correia pitched poorly! Let the indiscriminate blame and pointless recriminations BEGIN!! Kevin Correia is directly responsible for the Twins loss in Cleveland, Joe Mauer's distraction from hitting, the repeated threat of snow in late April and May and the mailing of toxic ricin to political leaders. Game 29 Twins 4 - Indians 2 Let us take a moment to acknowledge the contributions of someone oft forgotten in my offense-centric recaps Glen Perkins aka The Dread Pirate Joe Nathan. (Remember, Perk adopted the intimidating name to foil hitters. The real Dread Pirate Joe Nathan has been living like a King in Patagonia...or at least a Patagonia outlet store near Dallas) [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-RO57DEbskwI/UUZ5KHyLsUI/AAAAAAAACG8/bWyGIhrZcko/s200/DreadPiratePerkins.jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Dread Pirate Joe Nathan v. 2.0[/TD] [/TABLE] Sunday, with the Twins staked to a solid three run lead, The NEW Dread Pirate Joe Nathan entered the game determined to triumph in the most Dread Pirate-y way possible to wit: increasing the level of difficulty until his crew mates were convinced he was going to destroy them all...only to triumph at the last second. Following the lead off homer to left he bellowed "FAAARRRRGHARRAGH" [That's pirate for "good, now they have false hope"], then the hard stung single to right elicited an "AVARGH!!" ["Now I must defend my bounty of saves against the agents of the crown"], and when he settled down to end it all his triumphant "BLARGHERAGHERAGH!!!" [suck it Indians!] could be heard up and down the Cuyahoga. Game 30 Red Sox 7 - Twins 6 Under careful scrutiny since St. Paul native/Twins Legend/Blue Jays Announcer/Walking Mustache Jack Morris accused him of using a substance on his shirt sleeve to throw a spitball, Boston starter Clay Buchholz attempted to throw suspicious parties off the scent of his duplicity by coating his sleeve in a different substance during the first inning. That substance: suckitude! And in an even greater sign of his criminal genius, Buchholz, swapped jerseys in between innings, so that one inning of giving up hits to the heart of the order [1st] and the bottom of the order [4th] (after applying copious amounts of suck to the ball) were balanced out by innings of dominance against the bottom [2nd] and heart [3rd] of the order. Well played Buchholz, Well played. (On a similar well played note, we were all so amazed at Joe Mauer's leaping catch of a relay throw home that we were brainwashed into assuming that he also applied the tag. Proving that no one plays it as well as Mauer does.) I'd write more about the end of the game, but sometime around the 9th Red Sock wandering out of the batter's box and fouling off pitch after pitch to prolong the game, I decided that I should sleep...okay, I was put to sleep...which come to think of it is another genius strategem. CURSE YOU RED SOX!! Game 31 Twins 6 - Red Sox 1 Full confession, I did not hear or watch one minute or second of this game. Instead I was with student-athletes at a track meet in Watertown which does not yet have a huge out-of-town-scoreboard (hint, hint local taxpayers!). But with 7 innings of shut-out ball, Scott Diamond is more than welcome to join the team I coach as an endurance instructor. (Back up Red Sox Third Baseman Pedro Ciracio is not allowed anywhere near the shot put, javelin or discus) Game 32 Twins 15 - Red Sox 8 It was a thrilling trip to Boston, particularly for Aaron Hicks who made his Fenway Park debut. But just as Aaron was scared of "The Grimm" during the previous home stand, there was the awfully intimidating Green Monster out there in Left field. (I blame Hitting Coach Tom Brunansky's scary bedtime stories) http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wnP_shfgWQM/TgYgI3wh92I/AAAAAAAAB5A/C12Qq8t3zyA/s320/Mauer+Poster.jpg Fortunately there is one man who will always rescue our nation's children and worried rookies. He who personifies goodness and light, he who banishes fear and despair to the unfathomable void of the abyss beyond the stars. Yes our great and powerful chairman looked into the depths of the monster's eyes and slated the beast with his mighty bat of justice and truth (and also with the help of our mighty line-up which draws strength from the mere presence of his sideburns). Rest easy young Hicks-y, for wherever our mighty Chairman resides no monster dares to tread. Twins 33 Twins 5 - Red Sox 3 http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-GhL_Svc50xc/UXcqEooYa7I/AAAAAAAACJQ/YO39m9ZMJZA/s200/Blizard+of+Oz.jpgIt's easy to make fun of rookies, they're young, they don't have a clearly defined personality. But one guy seems determined to stop me from making fun of him. That man? Oswaldo Arcia: the Blizzard of Oz! How did our Blizzard Wizard triumph during his debut series at Fenway? By clobbering balls all over the yard. There are also unconfirmed reports of him shouting "Depulso!" to use a banishing charm on the two run shot that gave us a series victory over the "mighty" bean-towners. We here at Peanuts From Heaven will always encourage magic as a solution to life's problems...keep it up Oswaldo, keep it up. Game 34 Orioles 9 - Twins 6 After all the triumphs in Boston, the Twins returned home to face another AL East team, and picked up right where they left off, battering an opposing pitcher just because they could. But with all this natural awesomeness we neglected to discuss one important facet of the team: relief pitching. After-all, hitting is half the game, and really easy to romanticize; starting pitching talent is new and relatively amazing to Twins fans used to mind-numbingly bad starts; relief pitching...well...it's just part of the game, like the designated hitter and drunk guys. Too much time feeling ignored and unloved can wear on you, and so [i imagine with absolutely zero proof] there was a discussion in the Twins pen between Josh Roenicke and Anthony Swarzak. Roenicke: "Can you believe the blogosphere's ignoring use Anthony?" Swarzak: "Swarzak!" Roenicke: "I've gone more than an inning every game since April 4th! And you've only given up 3 walks all year!!" http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-DlPKd1Oc49I/Sm53J3PvNPI/AAAAAAAABOU/eTF7BVCL7js/s1600/Swarzak.jpg Swarzak: "Swarzak!" Roenicke: "Exactly! What's a guy got to do to earn a little gentle ribbing, a little joke that I sound like I should be a hockey player, or that I grew a soul patch because I was worried about whether or not I'd go to heaven" Swarzak: "Swarzak!" Roenicke: "Don't rub it in man...I know...I'll blow up randomly and then people will have to write about me...you in?" Swarzak: [Cough...cough] "Sorry, I've had that cough of years now...yeah, sure let's do this. So that happened, and we gave up the lead. Game 35 Twins 8 - Orioles 5 It's funny but true...Vance Worley, arguably the most promising pitching acquisition the Twins made in the offseason, had gone winless since August of the previous year. Hmm, actually that's not so much funny as sad. [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-nuTC_itwa5M/UUkCowhEIhI/AAAAAAAACHo/3fdRPpvIwbc/s200/Vanimal.jpg[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]We got you Vanimal, we got you[/TD] [/TABLE] This was most troubling for the heart of the Twins order, Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau. After all this was their very own Vanimal, and both were big fans. After all Doctor Teeth and the Electric Mayhem was a genuinely popular band in Canada, and Baby Vanimal (from the Muppet Babies) was a favorite of Baby Jesus) Thus it was that the Twins' biggest boppers came to the rescue of another poor performance by the vanimal, cranking out six hits, and quite a bit of head banging in response to the Vanimal's demand that he needed more runs. Game 36 Orioles 6 - Twins 0 For Mother's Day, Scott Diamond's mom asked for just one thing: "play nice with the other boys Scotty!"* We applaud Mama Diamond for raising a fine upstanding athletic boy, and we're all for sportsmanship, but clearly this instruction ran contrary to pitching coach Rick Anderson's "NO MISSING THE PLATE! NO MERCY!!" instruction. In the end, the Orioles kind of owned Scott Diamond and the Twins lost the game, but it's kind of nice that Scott Diamond listened to his mom (but lets just save that for mother's day) *Note, I can't decide if this excuse is any less absurd than the "Mother's day game ball is slightly different" Twins writers actually used Game 37 Twins 10 - White Sox 3 A little more than a week ago, ESPN noted that Adam Dunn (the White Sox Designated Hitter) had the 2nd lowest batting average in the American League (thereby questioning the whole "hitter" part of the title "Designated Hitter"). The lowest? Twins Centerfielder Aaron Hicks. As a result this series with the White Sox felt seriously like a good ol' fashioned show down between Hicks and Dunn to prove who was marginally less bad than the other. Sure we could crunch the stats of who really won, but why not review it like the three rounds of your typical old school brawler video games. http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zGX3uGdXRqk/UZTbwaP8tfI/AAAAAAAACKA/TEM1Qz82NNM/s320/HicksVDunn.jpg The first round went decidedly to Aaron Hicks who seemingly owned every aspect of Adam Dunn's game. Delivering a punishing Centerfield Bomb attack on his face, pulling an amazing reversal on Dunn's own Dinger Assault, and then delivering his signature finishing move the "oh-my-god-you-can-get-more-than-one-hit-in-a-game-it-might-as-well-be another-home-run". Game 38 [TABLE=class: tr-caption-container] [TD=align: center]http://assets.sbnation.com/assets/2622013/Hicks-HR-catch.gif[/TD] [TD=class: tr-caption, align: center]Lets watch it again...and again... [/TD] [/TABLE] White Sox 4 - Twins 2 In order to get back at Aaron Hicks decisive first round KO Adam Dunn resorted to the defense of all desperate video gamers: Mashing buttons on the controller indiscriminately hoping that things turn out okay. Sadly it worked, geting a cheesy, bottom-of-the-health-bar, lucky shot victory (what with the home run to Hicks' o-fer.) Game 39 White Sox 9 - Twins 5 Before the last round of the fight [or game of the series if you prefer], Aaron Hicks pressed pause to go to the bathroom and get a Dr. Pepper. Then Adam Dunn unpaused it, demolishing a blithely bopping on his heels Aaron Hicks with a pair of Dinger Assaults, as if that somehow proved that he was a better gamer than Hicks. When Hicks came back, Dunn stood up muttered something about "really gotta get home, my parents and lawn mowing and indiscriminate mumbling" grabbed a full bag of Doritos and a Dr. Pepper and took off. So congrats Adam Dunn, you won this round...but Aaron Hicks will be back. Oh yes, he will be back. Mr. Peanut for the last two weeks: Oswaldo Arcia (if only to stop festooning Joe Mauer with these trophies) Nutty Buddy for the last two weeks: Pedro Hernandez/Casey Fien (they haven't been bad, but they sure haven't helped much)