Cris E

Of the many issues that befell the 2022 Minnesota Twins, a run of truly wretched injury luck was a decisive factor. Per Baseball Reference, they lost 9.4 Wins Above Replacement to injuries. It drove the team to hire a new athletic trainer, Nick Paparesta, away from Oakland. And the changes are coming fast.
“I’m not trying to throw anyone under the bus,” said Paparesta. “This is not a metaphor. They would actually put players under the team bus last year to quote ‘blast their abs’ unquote. They shouldn’t have done that. It’s wildly irresponsible.”
Paparesta, who spent the last 12 seasons with the Athletics, also called into question the team’s practice of not letting anyone leave after the game without licking their locker clean to prevent the spread of germs and bad humors.
“There was a sign above the exit that said ‘If you’re not licking you’re losing.’ The entire team had thrush the entire season. They had diseases usually associated with 17th century sailors. The bullpen had a malaria outbreak. Mosquitoes feared them.”
Although it’s impossible to eliminate hazards of the game like comebackers and wild pitches, Paparesta emphasized there are things you can do to mitigate the injury risk.
“This shouldn’t need to be said, but if a pitch is coming towards your head, do not open your mouth for good luck in the coming harvest season,” said Paparesta. “You’ll wreck your teeth. No one here is a farmer. I’m baffled by this approach.”
“Similarly, if there is comebacker to the mound, thrusting your midsection at the ball to assert dominance and virility is not sound advice,” continued Paparesta. “A lot of these young guys want to start families someday. Taking a rocket to the gooch works against that.”
The team offered no further comment on previous health and injury guidelines but confirmed that they’re sourcing their 2023 sunflower seeds from a supplier that uses less cobra venom in the seasoning process. “We had never heard of ‘nightmare diarrhea’ before. It was a teachable moment,” said a front office source. "It's still going to smell like World War I for a while, that's not going away anytime soon."

I take the Green Line to work every day between the Twin Cities. Light rail gets a bad rap from guys in Elk River who think cowering in fear of Minneapolis is something to brag about, but it’s 20 minutes there, 20 minutes back, and I can listen to podcasts about war or baseball.
Recently, while waiting for my train at the Prospect Park station, something caught my eye. Was it a food wrapper? No. An empty tallboy? No. It was a by god $10 bill. I picked it up, put it in my pocket, and tried to think of something I could do with it. As tempting as a fistful of Beef-and-Chedds from Arby’s is, this is found money. I do OK, it should go to a good cause.
In the end, there was only one right answer.
Carlos Correa , if you return to the Minnesota Twins, I will give you ten American dollars.
Now, I’m aware that your asking price is quite a bit steeper. I’ve read the interviews with Scott Boras and the copious hot stove analyses that say Minnesota is in play, but still an unlikely destination for your long-term services.
One thing I’ve also noticed: not a single GD one of them mentions paper money. This $10 bill I found? Cold hard cash. By the time you get to the end of this sentence, it’ll be worth more than every crypto scam and Twitter combined. And I’m telling you right now: You can have it. Just sign with the Twins.
I’ve watched enough bad shortstops over the years to know that your services are needed, especially with Royce Lewis’ health in question. The Boy Geniuses clearly agree and have already put together a competitive offer for your services. I’m putting $10 on top of what they’re already prepared to give you. Talk to Boras. Mull it over with your family. Take some time. I think you’ll agree this offer is fair, sound, and selfless.
I thank you for your consideration. (We can do the handoff at Arby's, too. First Beef-and-Chedd? On me.)
Regards,
Stu