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RandBalls Stu

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  1. Haha
    RandBalls Stu got a reaction from Squirrel in Twins Fans Absolutely Furious at Surprise First Place Start   
    'I’ve never been more angry,' said Bradford.
     
    With the Minnesota Twins holding a surprisingly sturdy lead in the American League Central, it’s no wonder that the team’s fans have some strong words about their unexpected success.
    “It is absurd to me that they treat Byron Buxton with kid gloves,” said Hank Winters, 67, a retired bank executive. “Harmon Killebrew played every day and he’s in the Hall of Fame. Buxton may as well just work for the government. Sick of this.”
    The Twins lead the heavily favored and godless Chicago White Sox by three games after a rocky 4-8 start. They're on pace to win a stunning 94 games. This playoff-worthy effort has given the fanbase plenty to talk about.
    “Royce Lewis hits the cover off the ball and you send him to Triple-A,” said Beck Bradford, 41, a youth volleyball coordinator from Castle Rock Township. “Miranda can’t hit a bull in the ass with a handful of sand and Correa won’t even be here next year. But the boy geniuses (Twins executives Derek Falvey and Thad Levine) looked at the algorithms and said, ‘Nope, Royce, you go over to St. Paul, grab a stool at Alary’s, get comfortable. Don’t call us, we’ll call you.’
    “I’ve never been more angry,” added Bradford.
    Minnesota’s 22-16 record can be chalked up to several factors, perhaps none more important than the bullpen, which has been asked to do a lot with the starters still rounding themselves into shape after the lockout-shortened spring. This has not gone unnoticed.
    “Chris Paddack is already going under the knife for Tommy John and we have no consistent closer,” said Tamara Kapsner, 49, a car salesperson in Robbinsdale. “Meanwhile, Taylor Rogers is going to the All-Star Game. If I made that kind of deal at my job they wouldn’t have to fire me, I’d just throw my [EXPLETIVE] in a box and go. Great call. Super.”
    With the team’s schedule remarkably soft over the next couple weeks, the chance for Minnesota to put some space between them and the rest of the Central has people talking.
    “I never took PTO in 27 years at TCF (Bank),” said Winters. “Because I had a work ethic. Did I miss birthdays and graduations and custody hearings and my third marriage? Yes. All of them. Cry more, Byron.”
    “Spreadsheet oughta be manager, not Rocco (Baldelli),” said Bradford. “Bleep boop, pivot table, bench Correa, he’s played one game in a row, might hurt himself again.”
    “May as well just trade (Jhoan) Duran for (retired former Twin) Mike Pelfrey,” said Kapsner. “Disgusting. Pohlads should’ve contracted them when they had the chance.”
     

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  2. Like
    RandBalls Stu got a reaction from PseudoSABR in Twins Fans Absolutely Furious at Surprise First Place Start   
    'I’ve never been more angry,' said Bradford.
     
    With the Minnesota Twins holding a surprisingly sturdy lead in the American League Central, it’s no wonder that the team’s fans have some strong words about their unexpected success.
    “It is absurd to me that they treat Byron Buxton with kid gloves,” said Hank Winters, 67, a retired bank executive. “Harmon Killebrew played every day and he’s in the Hall of Fame. Buxton may as well just work for the government. Sick of this.”
    The Twins lead the heavily favored and godless Chicago White Sox by three games after a rocky 4-8 start. They're on pace to win a stunning 94 games. This playoff-worthy effort has given the fanbase plenty to talk about.
    “Royce Lewis hits the cover off the ball and you send him to Triple-A,” said Beck Bradford, 41, a youth volleyball coordinator from Castle Rock Township. “Miranda can’t hit a bull in the ass with a handful of sand and Correa won’t even be here next year. But the boy geniuses (Twins executives Derek Falvey and Thad Levine) looked at the algorithms and said, ‘Nope, Royce, you go over to St. Paul, grab a stool at Alary’s, get comfortable. Don’t call us, we’ll call you.’
    “I’ve never been more angry,” added Bradford.
    Minnesota’s 22-16 record can be chalked up to several factors, perhaps none more important than the bullpen, which has been asked to do a lot with the starters still rounding themselves into shape after the lockout-shortened spring. This has not gone unnoticed.
    “Chris Paddack is already going under the knife for Tommy John and we have no consistent closer,” said Tamara Kapsner, 49, a car salesperson in Robbinsdale. “Meanwhile, Taylor Rogers is going to the All-Star Game. If I made that kind of deal at my job they wouldn’t have to fire me, I’d just throw my [EXPLETIVE] in a box and go. Great call. Super.”
    With the team’s schedule remarkably soft over the next couple weeks, the chance for Minnesota to put some space between them and the rest of the Central has people talking.
    “I never took PTO in 27 years at TCF (Bank),” said Winters. “Because I had a work ethic. Did I miss birthdays and graduations and custody hearings and my third marriage? Yes. All of them. Cry more, Byron.”
    “Spreadsheet oughta be manager, not Rocco (Baldelli),” said Bradford. “Bleep boop, pivot table, bench Correa, he’s played one game in a row, might hurt himself again.”
    “May as well just trade (Jhoan) Duran for (retired former Twin) Mike Pelfrey,” said Kapsner. “Disgusting. Pohlads should’ve contracted them when they had the chance.”
     

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  3. Like
    RandBalls Stu got a reaction from Craig Arko in Twins Fans Absolutely Furious at Surprise First Place Start   
    'I’ve never been more angry,' said Bradford.
     
    With the Minnesota Twins holding a surprisingly sturdy lead in the American League Central, it’s no wonder that the team’s fans have some strong words about their unexpected success.
    “It is absurd to me that they treat Byron Buxton with kid gloves,” said Hank Winters, 67, a retired bank executive. “Harmon Killebrew played every day and he’s in the Hall of Fame. Buxton may as well just work for the government. Sick of this.”
    The Twins lead the heavily favored and godless Chicago White Sox by three games after a rocky 4-8 start. They're on pace to win a stunning 94 games. This playoff-worthy effort has given the fanbase plenty to talk about.
    “Royce Lewis hits the cover off the ball and you send him to Triple-A,” said Beck Bradford, 41, a youth volleyball coordinator from Castle Rock Township. “Miranda can’t hit a bull in the ass with a handful of sand and Correa won’t even be here next year. But the boy geniuses (Twins executives Derek Falvey and Thad Levine) looked at the algorithms and said, ‘Nope, Royce, you go over to St. Paul, grab a stool at Alary’s, get comfortable. Don’t call us, we’ll call you.’
    “I’ve never been more angry,” added Bradford.
    Minnesota’s 22-16 record can be chalked up to several factors, perhaps none more important than the bullpen, which has been asked to do a lot with the starters still rounding themselves into shape after the lockout-shortened spring. This has not gone unnoticed.
    “Chris Paddack is already going under the knife for Tommy John and we have no consistent closer,” said Tamara Kapsner, 49, a car salesperson in Robbinsdale. “Meanwhile, Taylor Rogers is going to the All-Star Game. If I made that kind of deal at my job they wouldn’t have to fire me, I’d just throw my [EXPLETIVE] in a box and go. Great call. Super.”
    With the team’s schedule remarkably soft over the next couple weeks, the chance for Minnesota to put some space between them and the rest of the Central has people talking.
    “I never took PTO in 27 years at TCF (Bank),” said Winters. “Because I had a work ethic. Did I miss birthdays and graduations and custody hearings and my third marriage? Yes. All of them. Cry more, Byron.”
    “Spreadsheet oughta be manager, not Rocco (Baldelli),” said Bradford. “Bleep boop, pivot table, bench Correa, he’s played one game in a row, might hurt himself again.”
    “May as well just trade (Jhoan) Duran for (retired former Twin) Mike Pelfrey,” said Kapsner. “Disgusting. Pohlads should’ve contracted them when they had the chance.”
     

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  4. Haha
    RandBalls Stu got a reaction from RpR in Twins Place Entire 40-Man Roster on Injured List   
    Teams hopes to make do with "the big kids" from local schools and playgrounds.
     
    Injuries are having a major impact across baseball, as teams scramble to field healthy rosters and make constant transactions with their minor league affiliates. No team has been more affected than the Minnesota Twins, who announced Thursday that they are placing their entire 40-man roster on the 10-day injured list.
    “We were almost halfway there already,” said manager Rocco Baldelli. “And given how banged up our quote-unquote healthy guys are, it felt like the right move.”
    To take their place, the Twins are relying on a forgotten World War I-era rule that allowed teams to backfill rosters with “strapping farmhands, eccentrics, spinsters, and gifted children from the area as our stout young lads take it to the Kaiser” in an emergency.
    Sources say Major League Baseball leadership is furious, but their hands are tied.
    “It was only meant to apply when players got drafted or volunteered for military service,” said a source close to MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred. “We now realize the vague wording gives teams like Minnesota some wiggle room. Unfortunately, the rule is very specific about the only person who can nullify the rule: Woodrow Wilson, who has died.”
    The Twins are said to be scouting local high schools, rec centers, and playgrounds for “big kids” who could handle the physical rigors of professional baseball and give Minnesota a chance to compete in the wide-open AL Central.
    “One of our scouts saw a kid named Cotter playing pick-up basketball at a park in northeast Minneapolis,” said Baldelli. “He was a good 4-5 inches taller than all these rickety dad types he was playing against. Just dominating them. Long story short he’s playing first base Friday and Saturday. He has Confirmation at his church on Sunday so we might build in a rest day, we’ll see how things develop.”
    As for why the team is not using their own minor leaguers, Baldelli was uncharacteristically blunt.
    “Fuel costs make all these call-ups crazy expensive, and a lot of these kids already have bus passes or a parent with a Honda Odyssey for carpooling. Also, the rest of the month we play Cleveland, Oakland, Kansas City, and Detroit. If we fielded a team of dogs in people clothes, we might go .500.”
     

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  5. Like
    RandBalls Stu got a reaction from wsnydes in Bally Sports North Ponders Tiered Subscription Service   
    'For $35/month, we envision a mix of live sports and all-new episodes of Tim Laudner’s Street Justice.'
    With news that Bally Sports North is close to finally offering a subscription service for local sports fans, rumors are swirling that a premium version will soon be available.
    “The outcry for a non-cable, non-satellite option for local sports fans is undeniable,” said a BSN executive who requested anonymity. “We also know that there’s an appetite for a premium experience. Our goal is to provide a bespoke product for every level of consumer.”
    Although details on the available tiers are unconfirmed, multiple sources say there are four options being discussed:
    BSN Basic: $20/month, Twins/Wolves/Wild/Lynx/United games available on tape delay no sooner than 72 hours after the live event; however, you must submit a written request to the Bally Sports North offices in Minneapolis to watch it. “Politeness will be a plus,” noted one source. BSN Basic Plus: $25/month, one live event per week. The event will not be telecast but rather described by a feral Kevin Lynch off his cell phone's Twitter feed. BSN Platinum: $35/month, all live events streamed as they happen unless there are blackout rules, conflicts with new episodes of Tim Laudner’s Street Justice, or BSN just calls it a weekend early and heads to the lake. BSN The Laudner Level: $40/month, all episodes of Tim Laudner's Street Justice available on demand, plus exclusive behind-the-scenes footage exclusive to BSN The Laudner Level subscribers. No live sports, but they will share all Athletic promo subscription offers they see online. “There’s a lot of noise out there about people wanting to watch the Twins or the Wild live, but our market research indicates the consumer really values choice,” said the BSN executive. “If they have the option to watch a World Series champ take the law into his own hands on an all-new episode of Tim Laudner’s Street Justice, then we think they’ll choose our Platinum or Laudner Level services. This week Tim busts some kids who are rearranging letters on the Lakeville Dairy Queen marquee to say 'PENIS.' Tough stuff, powerful.”
    When asked if they envision a streaming tier that would contain only live, local sports, the executive laughed for 17 minutes straight.

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  6. Like
    RandBalls Stu got a reaction from USAFChief in Grandfather Amuses Child with Apocryphal Tales of Twins Offense   
    'And then Grandpa said that if a batter gets a home run when the bases are loaded, they call it a grand slam. I love it when he tells me his stories.’
    Rowan Landskog, 6, loves it when his grandfather Bill Landskog comes over to read him bedtime stories. He especially loves it when the stories are in the realm of the fantastic and unbelievable, with tales of monsters and Martians sending him to sleep.
    Lately, the stories have taken an even more outrageous turn, as “Grampa Billy” tells his baseball-crazy grandson about the legend of the Minnesota Twins offense.
    “Grampa Billy said the Minnesota Twins used to hit a bunch of dingers,” said the junior Landskog, who lives with his mother in Stillwater. “He says they would hit them all the time and score a bunch of points. Wow!”
    The elder Landskog usually starts his reading shift with Dr. Seuss, moves on to Shel Silverstein or Where the Wild Things Are, then completes his duties by reading the Baseball Reference page for the 2019 Minnesota Twins.
    “Grampa said that when I was in preschool the Twins set the record for home runs,” said an astonished Rowan. “I think he knew I didn't believe him but he swore it was true." 
    The kindergartner was especially awestruck by a new term he learned last night.
    “He told me a fun story about a friendly dragon who saved a pretty princess,” said an excited Rowan, his eyes filled with wonder. “And then Grampa Billy said that if a batter gets a home run when the bases are loaded, they call it a grand slam, and that the Twins have done it a lot! I love it when he tells me his crazy stories.”
    The storytelling grandfather was unavailable for comment but could be overheard issuing a series of expletives at his car radio when the Twins hit into their second double play during Thursday afternoon’s game against Kansas City.

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  7. Haha
    RandBalls Stu got a reaction from glunn in Falvey, Levine Trade TC Bear   
    "The rush of acquiring and sending away assets is unbeatable. We’re hooked, baby,” said a manic Falvey.
    The pace of the Twins offseason went from zero to 100 once the lockout ended, with a flurry of moves by Minnesota’s management duo (President of Baseball Ops Derek Falvey and GM Thad Levine) leading to a radically different opening day lineup.
    And the pace has not slowed down.
    Shortly after moving closer Taylor Rogers and prospect Brent Rooker to the Padres for pitchers Chris Paddack and Emilio Pagan, the team announced that they traded team mascot TC Bear to the Jacksonville (FL) Zoo and Gardens. In return, they’re receiving a significant number of snakes, reptiles, and other creatures.
    “I’m just going to come right out and say that I don’t know what we’re going to do with a half-dozen Burmese pythons,” said Falvey. “But we hadn’t made a trade in a good 2-3 hours, and the rush of acquiring and sending away assets is unbeatable. We’re hooked, baby!”
    Levine, who said he hasn’t slept since Monday afternoon, was equally enthused if unclear about the trade.
    “Do you know if a monitor lizard is cool with letting relievers ride him out of the bullpen,” said Levine. “I don’t want to get on PETA’s radar, but I’ll be honest, I don’t know where we’re going to put him otherwise. GOD I LOVE TRADING, CAN’T BEAT IT.”
    Neither Falvey nor Levine would comment on the fact that TC Bear is not a real bear, but in fact a person in a pretend bear costume who is being sent to a zoo to live among real bears that will likely visit mind-bending violence upon him.
    “He’s dealing with it as best he can,” said a source close to the man who wears the costume. “Is it as bad as when (former Twin) Andrelton Simmons demanded to speak to the mayor of the talking bear village where TC Bear lives about repealing their mask mandate? No. Still, the threat of mauling is one he takes seriously.”
    The team says there are no further moves in the offing, and rumors that Minnesota is trading an old Metrodome urinal trough for a shoebox of expired prescription drugs are unfounded but they're very open to it and would throw in a gently-used Mike Maksudian.

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  8. Haha
    RandBalls Stu got a reaction from Richie the Rally Goat in Falvey, Levine Trade TC Bear   
    "The rush of acquiring and sending away assets is unbeatable. We’re hooked, baby,” said a manic Falvey.
    The pace of the Twins offseason went from zero to 100 once the lockout ended, with a flurry of moves by Minnesota’s management duo (President of Baseball Ops Derek Falvey and GM Thad Levine) leading to a radically different opening day lineup.
    And the pace has not slowed down.
    Shortly after moving closer Taylor Rogers and prospect Brent Rooker to the Padres for pitchers Chris Paddack and Emilio Pagan, the team announced that they traded team mascot TC Bear to the Jacksonville (FL) Zoo and Gardens. In return, they’re receiving a significant number of snakes, reptiles, and other creatures.
    “I’m just going to come right out and say that I don’t know what we’re going to do with a half-dozen Burmese pythons,” said Falvey. “But we hadn’t made a trade in a good 2-3 hours, and the rush of acquiring and sending away assets is unbeatable. We’re hooked, baby!”
    Levine, who said he hasn’t slept since Monday afternoon, was equally enthused if unclear about the trade.
    “Do you know if a monitor lizard is cool with letting relievers ride him out of the bullpen,” said Levine. “I don’t want to get on PETA’s radar, but I’ll be honest, I don’t know where we’re going to put him otherwise. GOD I LOVE TRADING, CAN’T BEAT IT.”
    Neither Falvey nor Levine would comment on the fact that TC Bear is not a real bear, but in fact a person in a pretend bear costume who is being sent to a zoo to live among real bears that will likely visit mind-bending violence upon him.
    “He’s dealing with it as best he can,” said a source close to the man who wears the costume. “Is it as bad as when (former Twin) Andrelton Simmons demanded to speak to the mayor of the talking bear village where TC Bear lives about repealing their mask mandate? No. Still, the threat of mauling is one he takes seriously.”
    The team says there are no further moves in the offing, and rumors that Minnesota is trading an old Metrodome urinal trough for a shoebox of expired prescription drugs are unfounded but they're very open to it and would throw in a gently-used Mike Maksudian.

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  9. Like
    RandBalls Stu got a reaction from USAFChief in Chris Archer Will Succeed Where Other Reclamation Projects Failed Because I Need This Very Badly   
    Why will this injury-plagued veteran turn it around in a Minnesota Twins uniform? Because he just has to, alright? You sure ask a lot of questions.
    I’ve watched countless veterans get a shot to wake up the echoes of past glory for the Minnesota Twins. In a tale as old as time, those veterans simply didn’t have it anymore, be that “it” talent, youth, conditioning, anabolic steroids, some cocktail of all these things, you name it. I’ve watched Steve Carlton and Sidney Ponson and Rondell White and Butch Huskey and Bret Boone and Joe Crede and Mike Pelfrey and Ricky Nolasco and Ramon Ortiz and Steve Howe and Roberto Kelly and Greg Myers and Pat Borders and Ruben Sierra and Greg Swindell and Mike Morgan and Todd Jones and Mike Fetters and Jesse Orosco and James Baldwin and Phil Nevin.
    I’ve talked myself into Brian Fuentes as a possible closer. It feels good to admit this in a public forum. My shame is yours now.
    Given all that I’ve learned, and knowing that for every Paul Molitor there are 145 Shane Rawleys, I want you to know what I think about Chris Archer.
    I think he’s going to be just fine.
    Given all the names I’ve listed without even mentioning John Candelaria, not even once, you are likely wondering why I think Archer will be perfectly adequate.
    Because I need it very badly.
    I could really use a good, solid Twins season in 2022. I say this knowing extremely well that 40% of the starting rotation are veterans trying to prove something after a bad year or years, 40% are just kids, and 20% is Sonny Gray. It’s challenging to be optimistic!
    And yet. It’s going to be alright. Do I have proof of this? Of course not. But the fact remains, I’d really like for it to happen, and it feels like the universe owes us a kindness. Might that feeling just be a breakfast burrito repeating on me? Absolutely.
    But this time, it’ll be different.

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  10. Like
    RandBalls Stu got a reaction from PseudoSABR in Local Buzzkill Readies 'Does He Pitch?' Zinger   
    “I can see the optimism and hope over (Carlos) Correa in their eyes. That’s when I strike,” said the monster.
    As many Minnesotans return to the physical office, men like Josh Kinney await. He has two goals: Drop a “Mondays, am I right?” as early as possible on the first day of the week, and to rob his co-workers of even fleeting joy.
    “Lots of people on my floor are Twins fans, couple of them have season tickets,” said the Shorewood native. “I saw the news about Carlos Correa (the new Twins shortstop) and want to make sure they know the club is still in desperate need of pitching.
    “I figure they’ll be coming into the break room, maybe to get some coffee or water. I can see the optimism in their eyes. That’s when I strike. ‘Saw that the Twins got Correa. Does he pitch?’ Then I give them a fake laugh and/or shoulder punch and exit the room. Devastation.”
    This vile behavior is nothing new for the St. Thomas graduate.
    “I guess I knew I was a buzzkill at a young age,” said Kinney, a human resources generalist for Best Buy. “We’d be opening presents at Christmas and I’d be sure to let my siblings know who got the most expensive gifts, right in front of my folks. I could always count on one of them to start wailing and my Mom to get furious. At least until Mom left with her yoga instructor. Then Dad would just give us cash and watch the loudest cable news channel he could find.”
    Kinney’s co-workers say his ability to pee on any campfire is unsurpassed.
    “We had an Oscars pool one year, like a $10 entry fee, nothing major,” said Betsy Mick, a senior digital strategist. “Josh sent a department-wide email to let everyone know that the winner needs to claim the prize money on their taxes. He CC’ed the IRS. It was remarkable.”
    Kinney says his Correa-derived cruelty should be a durable form of death-by-small-talk for months.
    “Even if they shore up the rotation, which they won’t, I’ll shift to reminding them he can opt out after this season, which he will,” said the monster. “If things go south and they have to trade him before that, and they will, I’ll remind them of the success rate for prospects.”
    Kinney laughed and excused himself to remind a Vikings fan of Kirk Cousins' extension.
     
    Image license here.

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  11. Like
    RandBalls Stu got a reaction from glunn in Lockout Lookup: Brendan Harris   
    If you were a baseball GM in the mid-to-late '00s, chances are you traded Brendan Harris at one point. 
    Subject: Brendan Harris
    Why You Remember Him: If you were a wheeling and dealing MLB GM in the mid-to-late ‘00s, chances are you threw in Brendan Harris as part of the deal. The infielder out of William & Mary was moved four times between 2004 and 2010, three of them involving your Minnesota Twins.
    2004: As part of the 4-team Nomar Garciaparra blockbuster (Twins fans: feel free to call this the Dougie Baseball blockbuster, I won’t tell anyone), Harris was traded by the Cubs to the Montreal Expos. 2006: In the only non-Minnesota transaction, the Expos are now the Nationals, and they include Harris in a trade with the Reds for Austin Kearns. 2007: The Matt Garza trade! You remember the Matt Garza trade! Harris came over with (sigh) Delmon Young and Jason Pridie for Garza, Jason Bartlett, and Eddie Morlan. 2010: The J.J. Hardy trade! You remember the J.J. Hardy trade! You’re probably still mad about it and that’s OK! Harris and Hardy were shipped to Baltimore for Jim Hoey and Brett Jacobsen. I’m getting upset just typing it. Harris was coming off a career year in Tampa (highs in OPS, HRs, RBI, OBP, and batting average) when he joined Minnesota. He didn’t quite scale those offensive heights in his 2+ seasons here and his defense didn’t make up for it. Despite this, the team signed him to an extension prior to the 2010 season in a move described by one local blogger as a “head-scratcher.”
    What You Don’t Remember: Future Twin Orlando Cabrera was also moved in the Nomar/Mientkiewicz deal.
    What You Might Remember: From 2011 to 2013, J.J. Hardy led all major league shortstops with 77 home runs. Hoey pitched 24 innings for the 2011 Twins before never seeing the majors again. I’ve just made myself upset again! This is on me!
    What’s He Up To: Harris is using his Wharton MBA for X10 Capital, an organization that “empowers professional athletes with the tools and resources necessary to fulfill their dreams.” Before you ask, yes, Tuffy Gosewisch is one of his co-workers. You can find him occasionally tweeting at @brendanharris23.

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  12. Like
    RandBalls Stu got a reaction from glunn in Lockout Lookup: Cristian Guzman   
    The Twins didn't always have a problem finding an answer at the shortstop position, even if that answer wasn't always the best one. This is the tale of Cristian Guzman.
    Subject: Cristian Guzman
    Why You Remember Him: A key part of the Chuck Knoblauch trade along with Eric Milton (no offense to Brian Buchanan and Danny Mota), Guzman held down the shortstop position during Minnesota’s early-‘00s renaissance. Most noteworthy was his All-Star 2001 campaign, which the New York Times’ Aaron Gleeman ranks as the 8th-best season ever by a Twins shortstop.
    Equally noteworthy, if less pleasant, is that he just couldn’t hit that good outside his 2001 surge. Gleeman notes in the link that Guzman has the lowest OPS+ of any Minnesota Twin with that many plate appearances. As someone who remembers Tim Laudner hitting .203 with seven home runs for what felt like 100 years, this surprised me.
    That said, any Metrodome attendee from 1999-2004 will remember Bob Casey bellowing “Cristian Guuuuuuuuuuuuuzman” until their dying day. There are worse legacies.
    Guzman left the Twins in free agency for the Washington Nationals in 2005. After an injury-plagued start in D.C., he managed a second All-Star appearance in 2008. He last played with the Texas Rangers in 2010.
    What You Don’t Remember: His 1999 salary was $200,000.
    What You Might Remember: Guzman led the American League in triples in 2000, 2001, and 2003. When he did get on base, Guzman could move. He also led AL shortstops in errors in 2001. 
    What’s He Up To: Per Wikipedia, he lives in New Jersey with his wife and six children. No other sources for that claim, but there's also a Cristian Guzman Carpentry LLC listed in Springfield, NJ, so it's at least possible.

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  13. Haha
    RandBalls Stu got a reaction from flpmagikat in Lockout Lookup: Jaime Garcia   
    The tale of a man who was traded twice in ten days, but oh what a ten days it was.
    Subject: Jaime Garcia
    Why You Remember Him: The summer of 2017. The Twins were contending for an AL Central pennant, trailing division-leading Cleveland by a mere half-game. Shoring up their rotation for late-summer glory, the team moved prospect Huascar Ynoa (more on him later) to Atlanta for veteran starter Jaime Garcia (along with Anthony Recker and cash money).
    Garcia immediately stepped in and picked up a win in his first start, giving up three earned runs and eight hits in 6 2/3 innings.
    And then he was gone.
    That half-game deficit was as of July 20. Ten days later, the Twins were seven games back of a surging Cleveland and in the rearview of a hot Kansas City squad. With the trade deadline looming, Minnesota reversed course and sent Garcia to the Yankees for Zach Littell and Dietrich Enns.
    The kicker, of course, is that the Twins still snagged the last wild card spot in a subpar American League and lost to Garcia’s Yankees. He did not pitch in New York’s 8-4 victory, marking one of the few Twins playoff defeats to the Bronx Bombers that could have been even more humiliating.
    What You Might Remember, Part 1: Littell left Minnesota in free agency in 2020 and became a crucial part of San Francisco’s 2021 NL West-winning bullpen.
    It is very, very fair to say the Twins could have used him in 2021.
    What You Might Remember, Part 2: Ynoa had an up-and-down year for Atlanta last season, posting a 4.05 ERA in 17 starts, hitting a grand slam, breaking his pitching hand by punching a bench, and being a late scratch for a critical NLCS start, eventually missing the rest of the postseason. The whole World Series thing probably makes up for that.
    It is very, very fair to say the Twins could have used him in 2021.
    What You Don’t Remember, Part 1: Dietrich Enns is currently pitching in Japan for the Saitama Seibu Lions.
    It is very, very fair to say the Twins might have used him in 2021.
    What You Don’t Remember, Part 2: Anthony Recker is now part of the Mets broadcast team.
    It is very, very fair to say that Bally Sports North might have used him in 2021.
    The 2017 Jaime Garcia Trade Winners, Ranked:
    Atlanta San Francisco, despite not being involved in either trade New York Minnesota What’s He Up To: Garcia decade-long career ended after a stint with the Cubs in 2018. He now works with Water Mission, a Christian organization that provides clean water to the developing world.
    Question for Commenters: What was your favorite Jaime Garcia Twins moment?

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  14. Like
    RandBalls Stu got a reaction from glunn in Lockout Lookup: Matt Capps   
    For the duration of this dumb lockout, I’m going to find former Twins of note, tell you a little bit about them, and let you know what they’re doing now to the best of my ability.
    Subject: Matt Capps
    Why You Remember Him: Once upon a time, the Twins had a promising catcher named Wilson Ramos stuck behind Joe Mauer. They didn’t have a closer. Joe Nathan was hurt. Terrifying actual giant man Jon Rauch was ineffective. This was also right about the time when people were noticing how much more valuable a good catcher was than a position you could fill with literally any Tom, Ric, or Eddie who could hurl a decent fastball for one inning.
    But. But! The Twins were still in “we need a proven closer” mode, and they were not going to head into the meat of the schedule without one. What would Goose Gossage think? WHAT WOULD GOOSE GOSSAGE THINK? So, they sent Ramos to Washington for Matt Capps. And Capps was...fine-ish. And “bilateral leg weakness” became a familiar term. And the light-hitting Drew Butera was the catcher instead of Mauer or Ramos. And then the Twins were bad for a long time. Not that I’m bitter about it.
    What You Don’t Remember: His middle name is Dicus. And he was the winning pitcher in the 2010 All-Star Game.
    What’s He Up To: Working in the TV booth for the Pirates. One of his co-workers? Former FSN staple Robby Incmikoski. Where have you gone, Telly Hughes? 
    Anything else: The spoonerism for his name is the best one for a Twins pitcher since Willie Banks.

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  15. Like
    RandBalls Stu got a reaction from TheLeviathan in Local Man Angrier at Millionaires than Billionaires   
    “It’s just not right,” said the cornfed rube.
    The owners of Major League Baseball locked out the players just after midnight on Thursday morning, ensuring baseball’s first work stoppage in over a quarter century. And Shad Browne knows who to blame.
    “These players are greedy and entitled, I’m sick of ‘em,” said the Fairmont landscaper. “They get paid money to play a game and sometimes you’ve gotta take a stand.”
    The owners, wealthier than the players by a monstrous degree and living lives of unimaginable luxury, do not receive the same level of disdain from Browne.
    “Lotta these owners are entrepreneurs who pulled themselves up by their bootstraps to make their money,” said Browne incorrectly. “Meanwhile, the modern player just takes a day off when they feel like it. The way I see it, you don’t play, you don’t get paid.”
    Browne, who took PTO last Monday because the Vikings lost and he was “super hungover,” said he sees a lot of himself in owners, despite this being remarkably untrue.
    “They’re just trying to run a business same as anyone else,” he said with the steady resolve that only the deeply ignorant possess. “I guess I’d just like to see a little more gratitude and a little less attitude from the millennial generation.”
    Browne, who used the word “meritocracy” in reference to a country where you don’t have to work a day in your life if your great-granddad sold mustard gas to Kaiser Wilhelm, dismissed the notion that the owners should take some of the blame for instigating the lockout they instigated.
    “At the end of the day, they’ve got a business to run,” said Browne, for whom the concept of generational wealth has never so much as registered for one second of one day. “If the players can’t handle that, they can get a job just like anyone else.
    “It’s just not right,” said the cornfed rube.

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  16. Like
    RandBalls Stu got a reaction from DJL44 in Dog in Christmas Sweater Urges Twins to Sign Byron Buxton   
    Recently, a dog in Christmas sweater reached out and urged the Twins to sign Byron Buxton. 
    Roxy, a 5-year-old dog in a festive Christmas sweater, has two messages this holiday season.
    “I would very much like a treat, and the Minnesota Twins should sign Byron Buxton to an extension,” said Roxy.
    The dog, a Staffordshire bull terrier, hopes the gaudy garment draws attention to her message.
    “Everyone sees a dog in an ugly sweater and they lose their damn minds,” said Roxy. “Now that I have their attention, I can get them to see the golden opportunity of a long-term deal for one of the game’s dynamic talents. Make no mistake, I hate wearing people clothes and go to great lengths to avoid it, including carpet urination and defiling stuffed animals. But this is important.”
    Roxy said Buxton’s extensive injury history, while a concern, was outweighed by the center fielder’s overall game.
    “In the field he saves your starting pitcher a run every game,” said the dog, pausing to bark at the doorbell for 45 seconds before continuing. “And his offense has finally caught up to his elite defense. He hit 19 home runs in 60 games last year. This is the rare chance for a team like Minnesota to retain a superstar in his prime oh my god A BUNNY RABBIT!”
    Roxy observed a rabbit in the backyard, tore out the doggy door, and unsuccessfully chased it around the backyard. She wandered back into the house.
    “As I was saying, Buxton’s health actually affords the Twins a chance to get him on an affordable, incentive-laden deal,” said the dog, catching her breath. “If he had been healthy and producing like he did for 162 games in 2021, the price tag would have given the Pohlads a nosebleed.”
    Roxy noted that she also “did her business” while protecting the household from the bunny threat, and said you should clean it up before one of the kids stepped in it. She ended the interview to go nap in a sunbeam for three hours.

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  17. Like
    RandBalls Stu got a reaction from Squirrel in Anoka Man Thinks Buxton Should Pay Twins   
    As the Twins weigh their options for the talented center fielder, at least one fan thinks the correct answer is staring them right in the face.
    Classic North Metro halfwit Tom Hanson has seen enough. With the Twins allegedly looking to move Byron Buxton, the self-taught expert on epidemiology thinks the franchise is overlooking the best path forward.
    “He oughta pay them to play centerfield,” said the frequently-divorced electrician. “Bet he lands on the injured list reaching for his wallet, lol.”
    Hanson, who frequently interrupted his interview to speculate on the accuracy of Dominion Voting Systems machinery, credits Buxton’s injury history with this outside-the-box notion.
    “He’s hurt all the time, and the whole insurance game is a racket,” mused Hanson. “I bet they’ve paid more on premiums for him than salary. And I bet he hasn’t thanked them for either one.”
    Hanson, who has been banned from Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, the Star Tribune comments section, Rube Chat, YouTube, and the Perkins chain of family restaurants, said Buxton reminds him of another Twins great, and not in a good way.
    “Joe Mauer must have taught (Buxton) that if you say you’re hurt, these suckers will believe you every time,” said Hanson. “I almost respect it. Must be nice to make $23 million a year to hit singles and then not even do that because your quote-unquote concussion hurts. Must be real nice.”
    When told that one of the quoted figures for a potential Byron Buxton deal was 7 years for $100 million, Hanson was livid.
    “You could have a lunch pail, 110% effort guy like Zach Granite or Jake Cave who’ll go out there every day and compete for a fraction of that, or you could have a prima donna like Buxton,” exclaimed Hanson. “The fact that they’d choose the latter is just another example of the woke cancel culture infecting our society.”
    Hanson would not elaborate on what that meant but did say it also applied to his local school board, KARE 11 meteorologist Belinda Jensen, maternity leave, paternity leave, rap music, Home Depot, his first, third, and fourth wives, and Little Free Libraries.  

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  18. Haha
    RandBalls Stu got a reaction from Danchat in Anoka Man Thinks Buxton Should Pay Twins   
    As the Twins weigh their options for the talented center fielder, at least one fan thinks the correct answer is staring them right in the face.
    Classic North Metro halfwit Tom Hanson has seen enough. With the Twins allegedly looking to move Byron Buxton, the self-taught expert on epidemiology thinks the franchise is overlooking the best path forward.
    “He oughta pay them to play centerfield,” said the frequently-divorced electrician. “Bet he lands on the injured list reaching for his wallet, lol.”
    Hanson, who frequently interrupted his interview to speculate on the accuracy of Dominion Voting Systems machinery, credits Buxton’s injury history with this outside-the-box notion.
    “He’s hurt all the time, and the whole insurance game is a racket,” mused Hanson. “I bet they’ve paid more on premiums for him than salary. And I bet he hasn’t thanked them for either one.”
    Hanson, who has been banned from Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, the Star Tribune comments section, Rube Chat, YouTube, and the Perkins chain of family restaurants, said Buxton reminds him of another Twins great, and not in a good way.
    “Joe Mauer must have taught (Buxton) that if you say you’re hurt, these suckers will believe you every time,” said Hanson. “I almost respect it. Must be nice to make $23 million a year to hit singles and then not even do that because your quote-unquote concussion hurts. Must be real nice.”
    When told that one of the quoted figures for a potential Byron Buxton deal was 7 years for $100 million, Hanson was livid.
    “You could have a lunch pail, 110% effort guy like Zach Granite or Jake Cave who’ll go out there every day and compete for a fraction of that, or you could have a prima donna like Buxton,” exclaimed Hanson. “The fact that they’d choose the latter is just another example of the woke cancel culture infecting our society.”
    Hanson would not elaborate on what that meant but did say it also applied to his local school board, KARE 11 meteorologist Belinda Jensen, maternity leave, paternity leave, rap music, Home Depot, his first, third, and fourth wives, and Little Free Libraries.  

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  19. Haha
    RandBalls Stu got a reaction from gunnarthor in Anoka Man Thinks Buxton Should Pay Twins   
    As the Twins weigh their options for the talented center fielder, at least one fan thinks the correct answer is staring them right in the face.
    Classic North Metro halfwit Tom Hanson has seen enough. With the Twins allegedly looking to move Byron Buxton, the self-taught expert on epidemiology thinks the franchise is overlooking the best path forward.
    “He oughta pay them to play centerfield,” said the frequently-divorced electrician. “Bet he lands on the injured list reaching for his wallet, lol.”
    Hanson, who frequently interrupted his interview to speculate on the accuracy of Dominion Voting Systems machinery, credits Buxton’s injury history with this outside-the-box notion.
    “He’s hurt all the time, and the whole insurance game is a racket,” mused Hanson. “I bet they’ve paid more on premiums for him than salary. And I bet he hasn’t thanked them for either one.”
    Hanson, who has been banned from Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, the Star Tribune comments section, Rube Chat, YouTube, and the Perkins chain of family restaurants, said Buxton reminds him of another Twins great, and not in a good way.
    “Joe Mauer must have taught (Buxton) that if you say you’re hurt, these suckers will believe you every time,” said Hanson. “I almost respect it. Must be nice to make $23 million a year to hit singles and then not even do that because your quote-unquote concussion hurts. Must be real nice.”
    When told that one of the quoted figures for a potential Byron Buxton deal was 7 years for $100 million, Hanson was livid.
    “You could have a lunch pail, 110% effort guy like Zach Granite or Jake Cave who’ll go out there every day and compete for a fraction of that, or you could have a prima donna like Buxton,” exclaimed Hanson. “The fact that they’d choose the latter is just another example of the woke cancel culture infecting our society.”
    Hanson would not elaborate on what that meant but did say it also applied to his local school board, KARE 11 meteorologist Belinda Jensen, maternity leave, paternity leave, rap music, Home Depot, his first, third, and fourth wives, and Little Free Libraries.  

    View full article
  20. Haha
    RandBalls Stu got a reaction from Richie the Rally Goat in Parting Ways with Colome Leaves Some Troubled   
    When the Twins cut Alex Colome loose after one disastrous year, most fans were pleased. For some, though, it triggered concerns that the current generation of fandom that might be getting soft.
    “When I was growing up, we didn’t just cut a guy loose after a bad year, we kept him on the team for years,” said Stephen Gilchrest, an electrician from Castle Rock Township. “It sucked. I hated every minute of it.”
    The 50-year-old father of two was in the prime of his Twins-loving life when Minnesota acquired reliever Ron Davis from the New York Yankees. It left a mark on Gilchrest that he says he still feels.
    “I don’t think you really ever get over something like that,” said Gilchrest, his voice lowering as he battled to keep his emotions in check. “At the same time, it teaches you so many valuable lessons that you can draw on in everyday life.”
    Such as?
    “Pain. Life is pain. Keep your expectations low. Understand that the world is not fair, and it will never be fair. Unqualified people will maintain positions of privilege despite flaws so glaring it’ll make your teeth hurt. Ron Davis will be your team’s closer for over four years and there’s nothing you can do about it. Admittedly that last one is super specific, but it still resonates.”
    Although many might be glad the Twins are opening a new chapter in their search for a 2022 closer, Gilchrest is not among their ranks.
    “What kind of lesson does it teach the kids of today when the Twins can just go out and make the right decision, just like that,” asked Gilchrest. “I had to suffer for years. I listened to the Jamie Quirk game on the radio and my dog died the next day. I buried Shep and my dreams on the same weekend in 1984.
    “You know who the closer was in 1985? Ron Davis. That’s when I stopped going to mass.”
    Gilchrest worries that the move might cause some younger fans to get too confident in the team’s prospects.
    “They’ll probably get a younger guy on a cheaper deal and he’ll turn out to be OK, maybe even better than OK, and the kids will get their hopes up,” said Gilchrest. “Hope. That’s what always gets you. Hell, I’m thrilled that they’re going in a different direction, but isn’t it even more important to let the children know that nothing gets better? Put Colome out there with a 2-run lead on Opening Day 2022. They’ll learn something that day.”

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  21. Like
    RandBalls Stu got a reaction from USAFChief in Joe Mauer Reviews Dune   
    ‘Pretty cool,’ says the former Twins great.
    Twins Daily usually stays between the lines as regards content. However, when the best catcher in team history sends a movie review to our Friday correspondent, we disregard the baseball aspect. What follows is Joe Mauer’s review of the 2021 film Dune, now available on HBO Max and in theaters nationwide.
    Hey guys. I watched the movie Dune at mom’s house. She usually gets sore when me or Jake (Mauer, Joe’s younger brother) watch HBO there because they show S-E-X stuff at night, but I told her this was more like the Star Wars so she let it slide.
    I wasn’t even telling stories to Mom there, I really thought this was a Star Wars movie. Remember when Luke Skywalker was just driving around the desert with his cool grampa and the robots from England? It was a whole bunch of dunes! Easy mistake to make if you’re asking me.
    I was wrong. No funny robots or Han Solo, I tell you what. I guess this movie involves Timothy Huggybear or whatever and the one young woman from Shake It Up on Disney Channel and they’re trying to find a bunch of spices and get into adventures? I’ll be honest, it was real tough to follow.
    The thing is, I knew it was going to be a real weirdo beardo, because my friend Glen (Perkins, former Twins pitcher) told me there was a Dune that came out when I was born with the guy from Twin Peaks and the Police rock band and it was super cool. The thing is Glen always mixes his lies with the truth to mess with me so I knew he was busting my chops lol. Also he might be the devil? Mom’s kinda on the fence about him.
    Anyway, when Timothy Chandelier and Shake It Up Chicago go on their adventure, it’s pretty fun. I couldn’t follow it all that closely because Jake kept hucking wiffle balls at me while I was trying to watch the ding-dang movie. But the parts I could watch before Jake put Bob Seger on the Bluetooth speakers looked really fun.
    Anyway, I guess I’d watch this again. Have a great weekend, guys.
    Stay golden,
    Joe

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  22. Haha
    RandBalls Stu got a reaction from glunn in How Does the 2021 Eddie Rosario Experience End?   
    Twins fans understand the Eddie Rosario Experience. The exhilarating highs. The baffling lows. The “I can’t believe he just did that, why did he do that, wait it worked never mind” feeling of watching the man patrol the outfield or swing at a pitch that is currently behind him.
    Atlanta is getting their first taste of the very best part of the ERE, as he demolishes whatever Los Angeles throws at him and puts the Dodgers on the brink of elimination. This is the Eddie that we all grew to love in Minnesota.
    HOWEVER.
    We know what comes next.
    I shouldn’t say we know exactly what comes next. The beauty of the ERE is not knowing how he comes crashing back to earth. Sometimes it’ll be a garden variety mistake like missing a cutoff man or blowing through a stop sign. Others are things that approach art. Given the stakes, it seems obvious that the latter is more likely. Here are my three best guesses as to what comes next:
    Absolutely nothing. Eddie Rosario continues his blistering pace and carries Atlanta to a World Series title. Minnesota let him walk and Cleveland traded him for the ghost of Pedro Sandoval, of course two of America’s most cursed sports cities would give Eddie extra mojo. An outfield assist goes horribly wrong. There’s a play at the plate. Eddie fields the liner on one hop, winds up, misses the cutoff man, misses the catcher, misses the entire stadium, sails the ball into traffic, hits a city bus, sends the bus into a transformer, causes a chain reaction power outage that exposes dire flaws in the Atlanta electrical grid, sends entire region into chaos and vandalism, Atlanta reverts to subsistence farming and bartering with a collection of feudal lords clashing over control of the humid land. Dodgers advance due to forfeit. A crucial plate appearance goes sideways. A mighty swing and there it goes, a walk-off HR! But no. The bat has also flown out of Eddie’s hands. It connects a second time with the ball in flight, sending it into the waiting talons of a migratory bird. The bird carries it for miles before dropping it over Tropicana Field in Tampa, Florida. It falls through a hole in the roof and hits the catwalk in foul territory. Foul ball. Eddie strikes out on the next pitch, ending the rally and Atlanta’s season. That said, I’d like to hear your thoughts below. How do these playoffs end for Eddie Rosario? Does he quit in the middle of a game to become an HVAC repair tech? Wear a Hawaiian shirt to the plate? Hide all of Atlanta’s bats and gloves before the game because he “just loves pranks.” It’s the only interesting thing left in this postseason, and I can’t wait to find out.
    Image license here.

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  23. Like
    RandBalls Stu got a reaction from glunn in 12 Different Things To Disappoint You This Winter   
    Twins fans have a hole in their lives. With the 2021 season now concluded, they’re no longer spending time or energy being massively disappointed by the hometown nine. Twins Daily offers 12 things that can fill that gap.
    The Minnesota Vikings. They looked incredible in one game and lost the other three games in unique and frustrating ways. It’s the platonic ideal of four Vikings games and there’s no reason to think it won’t continue.
      The Minnesota Timberwolves. They have a talented young core and are surrounded by front office chaos. They’ve been around for 30 years and been good for about two of them. A safer bet is hard to find.
      The Minnesota Wild. The most playoff-ready team in town. In March, that title was held by the Minnesota Twins. It’s not a crown you want to wear.
      The MLB Postseason. So many enemies of the common good, so few teams to pull for. If you have any friends rooting for the White Sox because they’re from the AL Central, you know they’ve never really been your friend and will try to get you to invest in their MLM someday soon. And yet, you can’t root for the vile, cheating Astros either. No thanks to Atlanta or Boston or LA. The best-case World Series scenario is probably Rays/Giants? Grim. Maybe you can talk yourself into the Brewers, just for having a Wisconsin fan base less insufferable than Green Bay’s? That’s between you and your God.  
      The weather. It’s either going to be too warm to snow and everything is grey and brown, or too cold to enjoy. The worst storm of the season will be on the day you have to drive or fly somewhere. Thankfully, this will only last for 5-7 months. Also the sun is already setting as you read this.
      University of Minnesota athletics. Football team lost to Bowling Green. Men’s basketball team is picked to finish 14th out of 14 teams. They killed the track program. Lindsay Whalen can only do so much.
      New music from your favorite band or singer. It’ll probably be super slow, overly experimental, or have too many horns. This always happens and we don’t talk about it enough.
      The global supply chain. If you’re reading this and haven’t ordered your holiday gifts yet, it’s too late. If you’re reading this and have ordered your holiday gifts, it’s still too late.
      Cutting the cord. Add up the cost of your streaming services. Compare it to your old cable/satellite bill. Remember that none of them carry the Twins or NewsRadio seasons 1-4. Scream into a pillow.
      Minnesota United. They’re fighting for a playoff spot. The supporter groups want to fire the coach. They’ll probably get eliminated on an own goal or forfeit because they’re too injured to field an entire team.
      Free Agency. Remember how hopeful you were when the Twins made those veteran signings last year? Remember how sad you were all summer? Yeah.
      Uncle Gene. Dammit, Gene. 
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  24. Haha
    RandBalls Stu got a reaction from wabene in Simmons Wants to Know the Real Story Behind Reliever’s Broken Hand   
    The Twins shortstop is skeptical of the official narrative behind Devin Williams’ injury.
    When Milwaukee’s ace setup man Devin Williams fractured his pitching hand after celebrating the team’s playoff clinching victory, reactions were pretty much uniform: that’s some real bad luck for the Brewers and/or worse decision making by Williams. For one shortstop, it only led to more questions.
    “What is Anthony Fauci hiding,” asked Andrelton Simmons of the Minnesota Twins, referencing the doctor who leads the U.S. Food and Drug Administration. “He hasn’t said a word about this. His silence says more than any public statement.”
    Simmons, a public vaccine skeptic, had harsh words for those who believed the accounts of Williams, the Brewers, media outlets, the Commissioner’s office, and objective reality.
    “The Brewers are a legitimate title contender and you people actually believe that one of their best players, after they lock up a playoff berth, would punch a wall with his pitching hand,” said Simmons. “I’m literally laughing out loud. Sure he did, sheeple. Sure he did.”
    When pressed on what he thinks really happened, Simmons looked to the past.
    “The Brewers were already 85% vaccinated in May, and now one of their best players has a broken hand,” said Simmons. “Not one Brewer pitcher broke his pitching hand before last year’s playoffs. You know what else didn’t happen before last year’s playoffs? Vaccinations. Connect the dots, my friend.”
    Simmons also claimed that while there’s no proof that the FDA trapped former Twin Marty Cordova in a tanning bed and caused him to miss multiple day games, “they’ve never denied it, either. Funny how that works.”

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  25. Like
    RandBalls Stu got a reaction from Nine of twelve in Simmons Wants to Know the Real Story Behind Reliever’s Broken Hand   
    The Twins shortstop is skeptical of the official narrative behind Devin Williams’ injury.
    When Milwaukee’s ace setup man Devin Williams fractured his pitching hand after celebrating the team’s playoff clinching victory, reactions were pretty much uniform: that’s some real bad luck for the Brewers and/or worse decision making by Williams. For one shortstop, it only led to more questions.
    “What is Anthony Fauci hiding,” asked Andrelton Simmons of the Minnesota Twins, referencing the doctor who leads the U.S. Food and Drug Administration. “He hasn’t said a word about this. His silence says more than any public statement.”
    Simmons, a public vaccine skeptic, had harsh words for those who believed the accounts of Williams, the Brewers, media outlets, the Commissioner’s office, and objective reality.
    “The Brewers are a legitimate title contender and you people actually believe that one of their best players, after they lock up a playoff berth, would punch a wall with his pitching hand,” said Simmons. “I’m literally laughing out loud. Sure he did, sheeple. Sure he did.”
    When pressed on what he thinks really happened, Simmons looked to the past.
    “The Brewers were already 85% vaccinated in May, and now one of their best players has a broken hand,” said Simmons. “Not one Brewer pitcher broke his pitching hand before last year’s playoffs. You know what else didn’t happen before last year’s playoffs? Vaccinations. Connect the dots, my friend.”
    Simmons also claimed that while there’s no proof that the FDA trapped former Twin Marty Cordova in a tanning bed and caused him to miss multiple day games, “they’ve never denied it, either. Funny how that works.”

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