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  • Terry Ryan Finds Himself Locked Out Of His AOL Account

    Ben Remington

    Thursday afternoon, after the Minnesota Twins defeated the St. Louis Cardinals at Target Field, Twins GM Terry Ryan found himself having some technical difficulties. It seems Ryan’s America Online account had been compromised in some way, leading to rampant speculation.

    Image courtesy of Brad Rempel- USA TODAY Sports

    Ryan claims that he was sure he was putting in the right password, and that he hadn’t recently changed it, or told anyone to change it. He also knew he was spelling his AOL username- BaseballGuy8791- correctly. What he doesn’t know, is how suddenly his reliable internet account had gone haywire on him.

    For more satire, check out Ben Remington's new baseball blog, Shtickball. You can also read Ben's work at our sister site, Wild Xtra.

    This of course leads to speculation after it was announced earlier this week that the Cardinals were being investigated by the FBI for hacking into data files from the Houston Astros. The Cardinals were in Minneapolis for two days just after the news broke, and lost both games following the news. The Cardinals have not commented on Ryan’s internet issues, but it is believed that they might be a team of interest should any authorities get involved.

    When asked about his problems with the internet, Ryan was bewildered, but fell short of making any direct accusations.

    “I don’t know exactly what happened, but I’m not able to get into my America Online account right now. I don’t think there’s any information in there that can be compromised, as I have all of the files I need typed out on my typewriter and filed away in cabinets. Even if someone did guess my password, our secrets are safe.”

    A few staffers we talked to believed it could have just been a misunderstanding by Mr. Ryan and his wife updating their passwords. When asking around the press box if anyone could help Mr. Ryan get back into his account, Sid Hartman did suggest unplugging the computer and plugging it back in to no avail.

    Cardinals GM John Mozeliak chuckled briefly when asked about Ryan’s America Online issues, but then when he realized it was a serious question, his face dropped and he stated that the team had no comment. It’s unclear at this time what the Cardinals would even want with access to the Twin’s data, but there are rumblings that they were looking for more below-average pitchers to reform into solid contributors.

    Whatever comes of the situation, it is sure to raise a few eyebrows around baseball, and undoubtedly cause GMs around the league to change their passwords, or add an emoji to them or something. Terry Ryan assured reporters that he would be just fine even without access to the internet, as he said it wouldn’t change the way he does business very much.


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