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  • Game Thread: Twins v Marlins, 6/7 @ 7:10pm CT


    Riverbrian

    It was Tampa over the weekend and it's Miami tonight as the state of Minnesota gets visited by the state of Florida.

    This is unique because typically it is Minnesotans who snowbird their way to Florida for warmer climes. Floridians don’t come to Minnesota unless they are kidnapped, bound, gagged and stuffed into a trunk of a car traveling to Minnesota. The kidnapped, bound, gagged and stuffed into a trunk of a car part is a regular occurrence in Florida but the car actually traveling to Minnesota is something that just doesn’t usually happen.

    The 2016 Minnesota Twins are lot like Florida… surrounded by alligators with sharp teeth and strong jaws that clamp on and do that spin thing that they do.

    Let’s watch them spin 'round and 'round while thinking about some Things to Think About:

    1. Old People – Florida has a lot of old people living in the state. Low taxes, warm weather, effective marketing, available real estate and a herd mentality has brought senior citizens down to Florida from all over the place to retire. Yes… Old People have a herd mentality that bands them together. They are genetically programmed to cluster together due to an unstoppable primal force of nature. When they are under attack from predators… they defend themselves like sardines… forming a tight ball while the dolphins and seagulls swoop in and promise them lower prescription drug prices and Medicare. They get picked off one by one on the edges but the core in the middle of the ball remain strong. After they are done feeding… the predators go back to Washington.

    2. The Fountain of Youth – Ponce De Leon landed on the shores nearby St. Augustine in 1513. He mistakenly thought he had landed on an island but was corrected when more land was found to the North by a guy named George who was just wandering around drunk on rum. This new island that wasn’t really an island that was discovered by Ponce and Captain Jon Baker was named “Florida” which means “Mother of J.J. Evans.” The locals would tell them stories of nearby waters so restorative that those who drank or bathed in the waters were forever young. The Fountain of Youth does exist… Don Johnson is the only one who knows the location and he isn’t telling anyone.

    3. Warm Water – Because of the Gulf Stream and other factors… water temperatures around Florida are typically around 10 thousand degrees and this provides the perfect environment for the growth of Hurricanes and Manatees. In Minnesota… the temperature of the water in our 10 thousand lakes is typically around 45 Below and this provides the perfect environment for the growth of hot dish and fur.

    4. Oranges – Florida is famous for production of the orange because the state gets plenty of sunshine and plenty of rainfall. Farmers were spoiled because this allowed them to grow all kinds of things unhindered by agriculturally destructive elements such as the cold and those Zamboni’s that routinely drive over crops in Canada. With all the sun and rain… farmers were able to grow unique things like palm trees and olives which led to Florida becoming the top producer of dish soap. One day an inventive farmer mixed together red and yellow and the rest is history… the orange was created.

    5. Introducing the Ocean – Many years ago… I planned a Riverbrian family road trip down to Disney World in Orlando. My sons were young then… perhaps 10 and 6... and they had never seen the ocean before. So I put that on the itinerary because I wanted to give them these types of experiences to broaden their young horizons. They didn’t know that they hadn’t been to the ocean before because we had been to Lake of the Woods and that was big enough, so I told them it was the ocean and they believed me. As we rolled out of Orlando and headed east… I was so excited for them. I could see them playing in the surf… laughing and smiling… trying to jump into the waves and drinking salt water… it was going to be awesome. We pulled into the parking lot and got out of the car and that’s when my wife started to smear about 20 tubes of sunscreen on them. As you know this process takes about 3 days to complete and while the boys were standing there getting gooped up by Mom, my youngest was attacked by ants. Tons of them… crawling up and down his legs and biting him repeatedly and he was in extreme pain. Once you realize what is going on… you do what any parent would do… both my wife and I immediately started beating on his legs excessively in an effort to get the ants off of him. Let’s just say… if you are observing this from a distance… you probably won’t see the ants.

    ____________________

    Lineups:

    MARLINS

    Ichiro Suzuki (L) LF

    Martin Prado[R] 3B

    Christian Yelich (L) DH

    Giancarlo Stanton [R] RF

    Marcell Ozuna [R] CF

    J.T. Realmuto [R] C

    Chris Johnson [R] 1B

    Derek Dietrich (L) 2B

    Adeiny Hechavarria [R] SS

    Adam Conley (L) P

    TWINS

    Eduardo Nunez [R] SS

    Robbie Grossman (S) LF

    Joe Mauer (L) 1B

    Trevor Plouffe [R] 3B

    Brian Dozier [R] 2B

    Byung-ho Park [R] DH

    Max Kepler (L) RF

    Kurt Suzuki [R] C

    Byron Buxton [R] CF

    Pat Dean (L) P

    Game-time forecast: Overcast, but only a 1% chance of rain; winds at 4mph from the NW.

    Go Twins!

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    1. Old People – Florida has a lot of old people living in the state. Low taxes, warm weather, effective marketing, available real estate and a herd mentality has brought senior citizens down to Florida from all over the place to retire. Yes… Old People have a herd mentality that bands them together. They are genetically programmed to cluster together due to an unstoppable primal force of nature. When they are under attack from predators… They defend themselves like sardines… forming a tight ball while the dolphins and seagulls swoop in and promise them lower prescription drug prices and Medicare. They get picked off one by one on the edges but the core in the middle of the ball remain strong. After they are done feeding… The predators go back to Washington.

     

     

    they never really stop feeding.

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    “Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.”

     

    C.S. Lewis.

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    “Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.”

     

    C.S. Lewis.

    This is about oranges, then?

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    I'm heading to Florida tomorrow to visit some old people ... my parents are 90 and 86 (but soon to be 87), so that's pretty old. (I can't compare them to Chief, because, well, they're 'normal old' while Chief is in a class by himself.) Was hoping I'd be able to catch a Miracle game while there, but they will be out of town the whole time I am there.

     

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    I'm heading to Florida tomorrow to visit some old people ... my parents are 90 and 86 (but soon to be 87), so that's pretty old. (I can't compare them to Chief, because, well, they're 'normal old' while Chief is in a class by himself.) Was hoping I'd be able to catch a Miracle game while there, but they will be out of town the whole time I am there.

    Why would you be going to Florida to visit your parents if they will be out of town the whole time you are there?

     

     

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    Why would you be going to Florida to visit your parents if they will be out of town the whole time you are there?

    Er, my parents don't play for the Miracle. It's the Miracle who will be out of town. And well, whether or not my folks are in town, although they will be, I have a key to their condo and can let myself in anytime I want.

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    Er, my parents don't play for the Miracle. It's the Miracle who will be out of town. And well, whether or not my folks are in town, although they will be, I have a key to their condo and can let myself in anytime I want.

    Basically, you're saying you're visiting so you can raid the refrigerator and the liquor cabinet? 

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    Er, my parents don't play for the Miracle. It's the Miracle who will be out of town. And well, whether or not my folks are in town, although they will be, I have a key to their condo and can let myself in anytime I want.

    You need to turn your sarcasm knob to the right three notches! :)
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    1. Old People – Florida has a lot of old people living in the state. Low taxes, warm weather, effective marketing, available real estate and a herd mentality has brought senior citizens down to Florida from all over the place to retire. Yes… Old People have a herd mentality that bands them together. They are genetically programmed to cluster together due to an unstoppable primal force of nature. When they are under attack from predators… they defend themselves like sardines… forming a tight ball while the dolphins and seagulls swoop in and promise them lower prescription drug prices and Medicare. They get picked off one by one on the edges but the core in the middle of the ball remain strong. After they are done feeding… the predators go back to Washington.

     

    As one person called it:  "Florida is God's waiting room..."

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    For a real take on the Florida experience one needs to read Tim Dorsey's series of books on Serge and Coleman. Serge, one of the most creative serial killers of all time is an expert on Florida history and traditions! :)

     

    I think we need to stage an intervention. 

     

    If following the Twins make you think about serial killers, I'd suggest a different hobby... or different sport.

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    I think we need to stage an intervention. 

     

    If following the Twins make you think about serial killers, I'd suggest a different hobby... or different sport.

    Actually following the Twins negates the need for serial killers, most people will just kill themselves. Serge on the other hand only dispatches a select few. If Serge confronted a Twins fan, he would feel sympathy, and likely take him out for coffee, and a tour of old Florida!
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    Actually following the Twins negates the need for serial killers, most people will just kill themselves. Serge on the other hand only dispatches a select few. If Serge confronted a Twins fan, he would feel sympathy, and likely take him out for coffee, and a tour of old Florida!

     

    and then put him out of his misery?

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    5. Introducing the Ocean – Many years ago… I planned a Riverbrian family road trip down to Disney World in Orlando. My sons were young then… perhaps 10 and 6... and they had never seen the ocean before. So I put that on the itinerary because I wanted to give them these types of experiences to broaden their young horizons. They didn’t know that they hadn’t been to the ocean before because we had been to Lake of the Woods and that was big enough, so I told them it was the ocean and they believed me. As we rolled out of Orlando and headed east… I was so excited for them. I could see them playing in the surf… laughing and smiling… trying to jump into the waves and drinking salt water… it was going to be awesome. We pulled into the parking lot and got out of the car and that’s when my wife started to smear about 20 tubes of sunscreen on them. As you know this process takes about 3 days to complete and while the boys were standing there getting gooped up by Mom, my youngest was attacked by ants. Tons of them… crawling up and down his legs and biting him repeatedly and he was in extreme pain. Once you realize what is going on… you do what any parent would do… both my wife and I immediately started beating on his legs excessively in an effort to get the ants off of him. Let’s just say… if you are observing this from a distance… you probably won’t see the ants.

    49413478.jpg

     

    I couldn't help myself.  I can't hear any story mentioning ants without thinking of this.

    Edited by James
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    Me Grandfolks wintered in the Florida. Walked the beaches picking up shells with which art was made.

    I am also lead to believe alligators like marshmellows...

     

     

    Can confirm, did a gator boat tour in New Orleans last weekend. Turns out they don't care for beek jerky though, who knew. 

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