Citing increased vaccination rates and falling COVID numbers, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz announced new metrics for roasting the hell out of the Minnesota Twins.
“I’m incredibly proud of the work Minnesotans have done in getting us to this point,” said Walz. “The epic failure of the Minnesota Twins in the first month of the season deserves a vigorous, full-throated response. And soon all of us will be able to provide it.”
Walz revealed a graduated plan that will allow all Minnesotans to beat the holy hell out of the underperforming 11-19 squad no later than July 1st.
- Fully vaccinated individuals can gather to craft “FIRE ROCCO” signage for use at home games before ushers remove them.
- Non-vaccinated or partially vaccinated individuals can write strongly worded posts on social media about the subpar play of Max Kepler, Miguel Sano, and Jorge Polanco.
- Minnesotans age 21 and older can take one (1) day off work at full pay, citing an “epic hangover, dude” after watching the bullpen crumble.
- Gleeman and the Geek listeners can get 25% off their first month of the Calm app. Use code “YOU KNOW WHO ELSE HAD ONE ACL BECKY? BATMAN. BATMAN HAD ONE ACL, BECKY” to subscribe.
- All Minnesotans can gather indoors to be sad about baseball. Mask up if the group is 500+.
- All Minnesotans can yell at the sky about how unfair the injuries to Alex Kiriloff, Luis Arraez, or Byron Buxton are. Faith-based prayer and or cursing also acceptable and encouraged.
- Full-on heave crying in fully ventilated areas now permitted. Masks preferred but not required.
- If Minnesotans are choosing between an illegal stream of the Twins game or watching Twister on HBO, watching Twister on HBO is now recommended. Bill Paxton would have wanted it this way. Also way less spyware on the HBOMax app.
- Gleeman and the Geek listeners can get a free personal grooming kit from Harrys.com. Use the code “FIGHT ME, BUSTER OLNEY” to take advantage of this special offer.
- If things are still bad, all Minnesotans can gather at the Blue Mounds State Park in Luverne to light a cleansing fire. It all burns in the fire. Snacks and refreshments will be provided. Corey Koskie will probably be there?
- Twins fans who are also Vikings fans can shift their focus to demanding Kellen Mond replace Kirk Cousins at quarterback even in poorly ventilated Willy McCoy's bar areas.