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  • Losing Streak Helps Local Overreactor Find Regular Season Form


    RandBalls Stu

    As the Twins dropped their third consecutive game in Grapefruit League action, one fan took the opportunity to get in his panic reps.

    Image courtesy of © Jasen Vinlove-USA TODAY Sports

    Anders Goodwin is given to Twins-derived hyperbole.

     

    To the Apple Valley native, the Andrelton Simmons signing was “the team’s ticket to the World Series.” The Royce Lewis ACL tear “set the franchise back a decade, minimum.” And with the team losing a third consecutive preseason game on Thursday, he shared a new overreaction on multiple social media channels:

     

    “This team has no shot. 59 wins tops, and that’s if things go well for these chumps. Fire everyone, relocate the team to Montreal, seal the border. Sick of it.”

     

    When reached for comment, Goodwin initially did not back down.

     

    “No pitching. No power. No defense. It’s ridiculous. It’s a travesty. May as well join the [expletive] Peace Corps.”

     

    These statements stand in stark contrast to Goodwin’s Facebook post after the Twins got off to a 2-0 start in Florida:

     

    “This team is already firing on all cylinders. Go to Vegas, bet on the Twins to win it all, thank me later. Can’t wait for the haters who doubt them to get what’s coming to them. Bandwagon’s full, sorry Charlie. Love this team.”

     

    Reminded of this statement, Goodwin put the words in context.

     

    “These games may be meaningless to the average observer. Perhaps they are. But they mean everything to me. How am I going to give myself an ulcer when they get swept by a division rival this year? When Berrios throws a 2-hit shutout in a critical August game, will I have the presence of mind to howl shirtless on my front lawn? You have to put in the work. The panicking I do in March pays off down the line. Every post. Every group text. Every muttered obscenity.”

     

    Asked for his thoughts on the coming weekend’s action, Goodwin said his expectations were mixed.

     

    “I doubt they’ll win another game. Ever. But if they turn it around, I’m prepared to support their inevitable championship run and ruin the life of anyone who doubted it.”


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    This is the worst article on Twins Daily ever! Please cancel my subscription, and refund all membership fees dating back to 2012! The article was penned by a hack writer who wouldn't know how to avoid a trite cliche or mix of metaphors if it bit him in the butt! A remedial English 101 student would churn out better insights than this! The author should be optioned to a website one minor-league classification down, IF THERE WERE ONE!

     

    There are two ways of disliking baseball; one way is to dislike it, the other is to read RandBalls Stu!

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    Wait. I have just been informed that this article was Satire. ZOMG! This is the greatest article on Twins Daily ever! Please extend my subscription 1000 years, payable in advance! The writing is sublime! The nuances are so... so... nuanced!

     

    I am literally not worthy to write this praise, and I have already deleted it, then typed it again, and deleted it, and finally this! RandBalls Stu is a stu-pendous human being whose boots I would gladly lick clean until holes wore through my tongue, a man who is so totally and utterly wonderful that I would rather be sealed in a pit of my own filth than dare post in the same thread! And yet, here I am, stealing from Monty Python in my own abject loss for words! Thank you, kind sir, for breathing the same oxygen as the rest of us, that we might have some minuscule chance of one day inhaling a single atom that was ever in your bloodstream!

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