Amid nationwide tumult over the problematic legacy of historical figures and the statues that recognize them, Minnesota DFLers and Republicans found rare common ground on Thursday.
“When baseball resumes again, Twins fans will find a new statue of former Commissioner Bud Selig that they are encouraged to ransack and pillage,” said Dan Wolgamott (DFL-St. Cloud).
“I listened to my constituents on this one,” said Jim Nash (R-Waconia). “They’re pretty skeptical of any government spending, but they heard this and were ready to pay for it themselves ten times over. It was inspiring.”
Selig was the Commissioner of Major League Baseball from 1998-2015 and was a key figure in the attempt to contract the Minnesota Twins in 2001. Experts agree that if one were to draw a mental picture of a used car salesman underwater with creditors forced to watch his only daughter french kiss a Hell’s Angel, it would look like Bud Selig.
“We want to make it durable enough for repeated topplings,” said Brad Tabke (DFL-Shakopee). “Minnesota’s welders and artisans have stepped up to consult on crafting a truly wretched ogre of a statue, one that incites disgust and a palpable rage in all who see it. I expect it to be as iconic as the Bemidji Paul Bunyan, only covered in rotten fruit and excrement.”
The statue, which is expected to show the former commissioner in a pose reminiscent of when the All-Star Game finished in a tie, will also showcase his background as owner of the Milwaukee Brewers.
“To give it that true Brewers game experience for Twins fans, it will feature speeding tickets from the Tomah, Menomonie, and Wauwatosa police departments,” said Nash. “We’re hoping to also land an authentic event day port-a-potty from Lambeau Field or Summerfest to sit next to the bronze nightmare. The horrors contained within would really pull the entire thing together.”