The Centers for Disease Control advise Facebook Rage Uncles and Star Tribune commenters to avoid learning that Major League Baseball owners are far wealthier than the players.
“Right now, with public health at a premium and hospital capacity so vitally important, it’s imperative that the most irate and irrational among us continue on their merry way, oblivious and dumbstruck” said CDC spokesperson John T. Brooks. “Learning something new, factually correct, and completely at odds with their worldview could lead to shortness of breath, heart palpitations, and other adverse effects.”
Despite the owners’ obvious and complete culpability in baseball’s current impasse, Anoka resident and classic North Metro reactionary Tom Hanson said he agreed with the CDC’s directive.
“The players are greedy bums,” said Hanson. “There are exceptions, like Curt Schilling and Aubrey Huff, but most of them are just lazy. Nothing’s going to change my mind.”
Brooks said any attempts to persuade others that the owners are far wealthier than the players, and a much worthier target of their anger, are discouraged.
“Any fair-minded person might attempt to convince others that the owners are entirely at fault in this instance, and their wealth far surpasses that of your average corner infielder. Perhaps when we’ve reached herd immunity or discovered a therapeutic or vaccine for COVID-19, it might be worthwhile to pull Uncle Rich aside and tell him to shut his godforsaken piehole. But now is not that time. It’s for the greater good.”
For his part, Hanson said he prefers to remain oblivious to the fact that he pays more in income tax than every owner despite being mostly unemployable.
“They’re paid to do two things: play a game, stand for the anthem, and shut up.”
Hanson denied those were three things and refused to discuss the matter further.