In an effort to break it all down, I’ve grouped them into three sections: new Twins players, returning players with new songs, and returning players with the same song, sometimes referencing my article from last year for the latter category if I haven’t had a big change of heart over the past nine months.
Give this man the closer role based on song choice alone. I am of the opinion that more relief pitchers should use wrestling intro songs, due to the nature of their position and the similarities in the way they enter the field of play. I know I’d be much more excited for a Cody Stashak appearance if it was preempted by
I won’t even pretend to know this song, but based on what I know about Andrelton’s Twitter feed, I think we should just consider ourselves lucky that he didn’t choose to play 30 seconds of Joe Rogan telling us that vaccinations aren't nearly as effective as eating bear meat.
I like Glass Animals just fine, but all of their songs sound the same to me. When I looked this song up I was wondering if it would be the Gooey one or the Pineapple one; turns out it is neither. Not really sure where I’m going with this, but just know I’m sparing you all from making a Garlick/Vampire Weekend joke here, and I’ll say it’s because I’m above it, but really it’s because I couldn’t think of a good one.
RETURNING PLAYERS, NEW SONGS
The first thing I did when I saw this choice was furiously Google if Jake Cave is from Houston. He’s not, and how he settled on this song from Slim Thugga that loosely samples
Byron Buxton’s song choices are going in reverse chronologically. Buck has now gone from choosing “Flashlight” by Parliament as a rookie, to “Return of the Mack” in his mid-20s, to now choosing a rap song that just came out in his seventh season in the league. I don’t know a single person alive who has started to like newer music as they’ve gotten older. I think there might be a Benjamin Button situation going on here; someone get me a baby picture of Byron Buxton so I can rule this out.
I just knew La Tortuga would not mess this up. The man clearly has impeccable taste in all facets of life and I cannot wait to watch him walk up to the plate with this song playing. It’s fast, it’s fun, and best of all it's easy to picture him dancing to it. The video is also great and could have been made with the cheapest music video budget of all time. It features our protagonists Chimbala and Bulin 47, who both happen to have the same body type as Willians, running away from a woman with a skillet, and most of it is filmed in an 18 inch-wide alleyway. I am not kidding when I say I watched this video seven times back-to-back. Bulin 47 is wearing a Yankees hat in it, so my only guess is that the angry skillet lady is a Twins fan.
I am immediately forced to take back the “least expensive video ever filmed” title that I just bestowed. My guy El Jeffrey shot a good portion of this video standing in front of a wall with ladders hanging in the background, wearing what looks to be the shirt for a Warners' Stellian delivery person. I had to double and triple check to make sure that this was the real video. As Jackie Chiles would say, it is real and it is spectacular. The highlight for me was a stock photo of Juan Luis Guerra(!!!!), the artist you may remember from Nelson Cruz’s walk-up song (more on him later). I think I woke up my neighbors when that inexplicably showed up in the video at
After struggling through a rough 2020 season, Garver pulls a genius move here selecting a local anthem in an overt attempt to get us to love him again. I’m actually surprised more players haven’t played this card in the past, considering how much Minnesotans love the local angle. The song, which revels in civic pride while still acknowledging that there may be more desirable locations out there for those who don’t get what makes Minnesota special, is a strong choice and may go a long way towards earning Garver a “One of Us” lifetime pass like a select few former Twins have received. If Mitch isn’t careful we’re going to carve his face out of butter and make him learn about the 1991 Halloween snow storm.
Berrios goes with his Puerto Rican countryman Daddy Yankee who is still out there doing it at the age of 45. This song just came out two months ago and already has almost 60 million views on Youtube, which is nearly 25 times the population of Puerto Rico. The video features a nice but somewhat strange tribute to another Puerto Rican legend, Roberto Clemente. Daddy Yankee dons a Pirates hat with the number 21 adorned on the wall alongside Daddy Yankee’s record label. A fitting tribute, because as we all know Roberto Clemente loved three things: humanitarian relief efforts, baseball, and El Cartel Records.
This is a pretty good song that samples better songs by My Morning Jacket and Nas, and is a nice way to pay tribute to Mac Miller. However, out of principle, I’m once again refusing to use this space to break down Kepler’s actual song choice, but instead will choose to lament the missed opportunity by everyone’s favorite German Major Leaguer. Still no Kraftwerk, still no grimy Berlin techno music, and still no Rammstein. Which once again dashes my dream of Vin Diesel’s character from “XXX” charging the mound and fighting Aroldis Chapman as “Du Hast” courses through the Target Field loudspeakers when Max comes up to bat. With the way VR and holograms are progressing, I can probably make this happen on my own without Max’s help anyways.
RETURNING PLAYERS, REPEAT SONGS AKA "THE MAUER CATEGORY"
My reactions from last year in Italics
Nelson Cruz can do no wrong right now, and that streak continues as he keeps this merengue banger by Juan Luis Guerra as his walk-up music for another season. Juan Luis Guerra also gets bonus points for looking like the type of guy that moms would be really into, like Jimmy Smits or Andy Garcia.
El Jeffrey loves this song, I still love this song, I still love Nelly Cruz, and moms still love Jimmy Smits and Andy Garcia. Nothing but love when Nelson comes to the plate this year.
A much-needed change of pace from Maeda here. My Japanese is a little rusty, so I have no idea what they’re saying but I dig it, right down to the Tom Morello-esque guitar solo.
King Kenta sticks with King Gnu for another season, which is great, but realistically after the way he pitched last year he could pick anything and I'd be fine with it. You want something from
I would argue that closer walk-up music may be more important than any other member of the team, and we as Twins fans are in good hands with Taylor Rogers. Picking any song from "Rumours", the album that everyone’s parents own five copies of on vinyl, seems like a can’t miss proposition, but this might be the only track that would work for a closer. Now the question becomes do they have time to play the whole song, or can we just cut to the chase and start it at the bassline around the 3:00 mark?
Rogers has some serious competition from Robles for the best reliever intro music crown this year. Hopefully this does not lead to a feud between the two. But if we learned anything from Lindsey Buckingham and Stevie Nicks, it’s that periods of stress and petulant feuding can lead to great art.
Before I wrap this up, I’d like to give a bonus shoutout to Devin Smeltzer aka “Deep Cut Devin” aka “The Outlaw Man” who did not crack the Twins initial roster and therefore was not listed. I hope when he does inevitably get the call back to Target Field this year we get the chance to see him walk out to