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Twins Fans Absolutely Furious at Surprise First Place Start

Twins Daily Contributor

'I’ve never been more angry,' said Bradford.


With the Minnesota Twins holding a surprisingly sturdy lead in the American League Central, it’s no wonder that the team’s fans have some strong words about their unexpected success.

“It is absurd to me that they treat Byron Buxton with kid gloves,” said Hank Winters, 67, a retired bank executive. “Harmon Killebrew played every day and he’s in the Hall of Fame. Buxton may as well just work for the government. Sick of this.”

The Twins lead the heavily favored and godless Chicago White Sox by three games after a rocky 4-8 start. They're on pace to win a stunning 94 games. This playoff-worthy effort has given the fanbase plenty to talk about.

Royce Lewis hits the cover off the ball and you send him to Triple-A,” said Beck Bradford, 41, a youth volleyball coordinator from Castle Rock Township. “Miranda can’t hit a bull in the ass with a handful of sand and Correa won’t even be here next year. But the boy geniuses (Twins executives Derek Falvey and Thad Levine) looked at the algorithms and said, ‘Nope, Royce, you go over to St. Paul, grab a stool at Alary’s, get comfortable. Don’t call us, we’ll call you.’

“I’ve never been more angry,” added Bradford.

Minnesota’s 22-16 record can be chalked up to several factors, perhaps none more important than the bullpen, which has been asked to do a lot with the starters still rounding themselves into shape after the lockout-shortened spring. This has not gone unnoticed.

Chris Paddack is already going under the knife for Tommy John and we have no consistent closer,” said Tamara Kapsner, 49, a car salesperson in Robbinsdale. “Meanwhile, Taylor Rogers is going to the All-Star Game. If I made that kind of deal at my job they wouldn’t have to fire me, I’d just throw my [EXPLETIVE] in a box and go. Great call. Super.”

With the team’s schedule remarkably soft over the next couple weeks, the chance for Minnesota to put some space between them and the rest of the Central has people talking.

“I never took PTO in 27 years at TCF (Bank),” said Winters. “Because I had a work ethic. Did I miss birthdays and graduations and custody hearings and my third marriage? Yes. All of them. Cry more, Byron.”

“Spreadsheet oughta be manager, not Rocco (Baldelli),” said Bradford. “Bleep boop, pivot table, bench Correa, he’s played one game in a row, might hurt himself again.”

“May as well just trade (Jhoan) Duran for (retired former Twin) Mike Pelfrey,” said Kapsner. “Disgusting. Pohlads should’ve contracted them when they had the chance.”


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Funny!  A good fan base roots for the team and also should feel it's ok to question things.  It's understandable Twins fans are a little sensitive given the playoff history of local teams at this point.  But yes, the level of vitriol is high (society-wide, not just baseball).   


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57 minutes ago, Bigfork Twins Guy said:

The absolute best thing out of all this outrage is that there is interest in the Twins, not the apathy that has existed in the past.

Agreed. It shows the level of intrigue. Also begs the question of why fans get so invested. (I wrote about this)


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44 minutes ago, rwilfong86 said:

Not the case, I just think these types of satire aren't that funny. Thanks for playing, try again. 

One of these comes out each Friday, almost as though on a set schedule.  You might consider just skipping them all.

Perhaps your capsule review of Jonathan Swift's work would have been, "the title is misleading and should have been A Ridiculous Proposal. In any case Irish babies ought not be cooked and eaten," back in the day.

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