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Scientists Warn Ohtani/Astudillo Matchup Might Deliver ‘Too Much’ Joy

“You have to ask yourself if the risk is worth it.”

The Los Angeles Angels make their yearly visit to Target Field this weekend, meaning Twins fans will get to see the brilliant Shohei Ohtani. In the other clubhouse, Willians Astudillo returns from St. Paul to take Alex Kirilloff’s place on the roster.

And that has some physicians worried.

“Quite simply, if you’re in poor health or have underlying conditions, watching these games might be harmful,” said Dr. David Gorman, a heart specialist at Fairview Southdale. “The human body wasn’t meant to experience this much spectacle.”

Ohtani, the American League’s starting pitcher in the All-Star Game, also leads the majors with 34 home runs, many of which involve him sending baseballs to hell, where they belong. Astudillo, while not nearly as accomplished a player as Ohtani, plays every game like a bowling ball filled with kerosene, set on fire, and rolled into a Williams-Sonoma. The combination of that much skill and abandon may be too much for some people.

“What if Ohtani hits one that lands at, like, the Pizza Luce on 4th Street,” said Gorman. “Then the next inning Astudillo tries to stretch a single to a double? So many people skipped their regular check-ups in the last year or so that we have to be concerned about how the body will react.”

Gorman said the true concern comes on Sunday.

“The Angels haven’t announced their starting pitcher yet,” said Gorman. “What if they pencil in Ohtani, and the Twins send Astudillo to the plate? What if Astudillo hits a comebacker and they’re racing to the bag? Is that too much joy? You have to ask yourself if the risk is worth it. The teams could do it, but no one is asking if they should do it.”

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3 hours ago, wsnydes said:

You beat me to it!

I, for one, am hoping for a matchup of Ohtani v Astudillo and another Astudillo v Ohtani in the same game.  I don't even care if the world burns because of it!

You both beat me to it, but i am pleased that some any people here think like me. Well, except neither of you pointed out the obvious, that Astudillo pitching implies mop up duties, which implies a lack of base level joy, so we should be safe from overload here.  Unless Ohtani deposits a 3-0 offering in hell. But with the coming apocolypse, we will have bigger concerns at that point.

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Physicists, not physicians, should have been consulted on this question. The effect of a singularity when they come within a certain radius, such as a tag play outlined in the article, could start a chain reaction resulting in the Universe as we know it being extinguished, or at the very least a spell of even worse weather.

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