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BREAKING: Almost Half a Season Left

Multiple sources confirm to Twins Daily that nearly 50% of the 2021 season is yet to be played, another blow to a struggling team and disappointed fanbase.

Last Saturday’s 6-3 loss to Kansas City was already another unremarkable defeat in a wildly disappointing 2021 Twins campaign. But in a stunning revelation confirmed by team and league officials, it also marked the halfway point of the MLB season.

“There are 162 games in the season,” said a Twins executive who asked not to be identified. “Saturday’s loss was the 81st game. Half of 162 is 81.”

Reaction in Twins Territory ranged from disgust and anger to a world-weary resignation often only found in ER nurses, veterans of war, and Vikings fans.

“You mean I’ve got another 75-80 games of this [expletive],” said Rev. Marshall Lemire of Forestview Presbyterian Church in Baxter. “Unbelievable. I’m a man of faith, but this is a profound test of it. [Expletive.]”

“You know how when a good high school basketball team drills some podunk team from the sticks and they keep the clocks running,” asked Thom Sprouls of Cook. “Can they do that in baseball? Why don’t they? They should totally do that. This is a travesty.”

MLB officials say there are no plans to cancel any games or enforce a slaughter rule for teams like the Twins and Diamondbacks who still have a frankly shocking number of games left to play.

“We get that it seems like there are a remarkable amount of days left in the season,” said Ethan Nguyen, a spokesperson for the Commissioner’s office. “But what if you took the family on a vacation all August, like they do in Europe? Just disconnect, bring some books and board games to the cabin, and when you get back you’ve just wiped out like a third of it, slugger. You can see the finish line from there.”

This is cold comfort to fans like Maggie Dietmann of Worthington.

“I don’t even remember when I switched from optimism about this team to wondering how much we could get back for (Jose) Berrios,” said Dietmann. “It seems like a hundred years ago. And now these people have the gall, the absolute, unfounded gall, to tell me there’s almost half a season of this left. They’ve got some brass.”

In a written statement to the media, the team said that there are 162 games in a standard major league season. Twins Daily has confirmed that this is accurate. Still, the sheer burden of three more months of poor pitching, injuries, and regression weighs heavy on a sullen fanbase.

“[Expletive] that,” said Rev. Lemire.

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I think MLB should divide the season like they do in some minor leagues.  Everyone starts over - first half winner meets second half winner and more importantly the Twins never get a chance to dip below 15 games behind in the standings.  I believe that Stu did miss the most important lesson - this Team has adopted the Minnesota Nice slogan and tries not to beat up on lesser teams - and of course we are actually better than all of them. 

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Hey! What if we’re going about this all wrong? What if we went the other way with the season? 

What if we intentionally LENGTHENED it? 

just imagine for a moment: pitchers hemming and hawing on the mound; batters calling endless timeouts to take their gloves off and put them on again. Checks to first base to hold a runner, even when there isn’t a runner there! Games might stretch into 1am with repeated calls for reviews of groundout tags and argued balls/strikes. 

—Not too hard to imagine, is it? Games are already too long, so why not use it to our advantage? 

What if Rocco suddenly called for a spot check of the pitcher because he “saw something fishy”? Twice. In the same inning! How would the broadcast booth react if Max Kepler trotted into the outfield wearing a diaper because “this might be awhile”? Would umpires be shocked if Jorge stepped out of the box “for a little shuteye”? Perhaps each reliever (and there’s lots of em!) could warm up on the mound, then shake their head and go back to the pen, muttering “it’s not clicking yet.” Maybe Joe Mauer returns to Target field to highlight a couple “real sweet deals” on a “barely” used 2010 Ford Taurus? 

Even upper management could help out by changing the 7th inning stretch into the 7th inning siesta. Make all the seats reclinable? —Maybe we could offer to play everyone else’s double-headers! Bobble-head day becomes free haircut on the field day. First 10,000 fans through the door get to shake Kenta Maeda’s hand, in person and between innings (while a guy in a tux and golden microphone introduces each of them).

Night games take a break to turn off the lights and “enjoy the night sky for awhile”. We could even use psychological warfare and shorten every game to 6 innings in an effort to speed up the game (only to introduce Cricket rules!) 

We could have more…

…Joe Mauer!

—Maybe he makes a short speech everyday before the game on topics close to his heart,

like… Fish.

And… car.

It’d be great! “Leadership chats” we could call them, and they’d be ghosted by Kent Hrbeck, and it’d be full of funny Greg Gagne jokes. 

Would the White Sox eventually surrender? Probably not. But Kansas City might! And they would be annoyed. Oh, they’d be white-hot mad! And that sounds pretty good to me. And so does haircut day, that’d be better than a “gently” used 2010 Jeep Cherokee with under 200,000 miles. (Call Joe Mauer for a quote.)

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Tuning in the Twins is like coming across a multiple vehicle pile-up; there's car parts strewn all over the highway, injured people walking around in a daze, maybe a pair of medics working over a poor guy on stretcher. You don't want to look, but you do. In fact you slow down to give it a good once-over because it's so terrible. Then you stop at a nearby food truck to share what you saw with a dozen other spectators. What the hell; barbecue chicken on a stick ain't something you can pass up.

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I used to golf a little but gave it up for the good of the game.  We never counted more than 10 strokes on any hole.  What if MLB adopted that idea? You can never fall more than 10 games behind the first place team. I know there a a few kinks to be worked out, like the math and other stuff. But I am sure any business that can put out a product like MLB does, AND still get people to watch it should be able to come up with a solution. 

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On 7/9/2021 at 5:01 PM, Platoon said:

I used to golf a little but gave it up for the good of the game.  We never counted more than 10 strokes on any hole.

So... a game maxes out at 180?


There goes my dream of golfing a perfect 300. I always figured that would be easier than bowling one.


(but i bet i can still bowl 10 under par...)

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