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Tenth Twins Player On Injured List Triggers Valuable Savings


"Next one's free," said a source familiar with the team's high-deductible medical plan.

Caleb “Meat Raffle” Thielbar landed on the Minnesota Twins injured list Thursday with a strained groin, joining Byron Buxton, Mitch Garver, Kenta Maeda, Max Kepler, Luis Arraez, Devin Smeltzer, Rob Refsnyder, Jake Cave, and Edwar Colina. While this staggering list of casualties is alarming for both the front office and Twins fans, it’s a blessing in disguise for the team’s accountants.

“We have ten players on the injured list,” said a senior employee with knowledge of the situation. “Next one’s free.”

Multiple sources confirmed that the Minnesota Twins purchased the Major League Baseball Silver Plan for health insurance, which contains a codicil for catastrophic injuries stating that every player over the tenth on a team’s injured list will have all medical expenses covered.

“It’s supposed to be triggered by acts of god, a tornado landing in the bullpen, Kent Hrbek bringing room temperature ‘guaca-mayo’ to the clubhouse, things like that,” said the source. “But the rapid accumulation of injuries did the trick.”

This is a major change from previous years, when the notoriously thrifty team stuck with MLB’s Mild Bronze Plan, in which snake handlers, disgraced veterinarians, and bloodletters were considered primary care physicians, Tylenol cost $800 per bottle, and the only in-network hospital was the abandoned church in Stull, Kansas.

“Given the pace of injuries, we expect at least 1-3 more Twins to be eligible for free care before players return to the active list,” said the source. “Did that Chinese satellite ever land? You’ve gotta figure it’s gonna fall right on Josh Donaldson’s calf. Hell, I’m calling it now.”

NOTE: The interview with the source was cut short when a swarm of cicadas attacked J.A. Happ’s face.


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In related news, the Twins are approaching the threshold where other teams in the league are obligated to chip in and provide them a center fielder who holds a positive WAR since the start of the season, free of charge. They currently stand at 6, and if they reach 8 starting CFers used the clause kicks in. It's possible that the other teams will contest this, on the grounds that Rob Refsnyder shouldn't count toward the 8 because he is in no sense a center fielder and knocked himself out trying to be one; rumors are that the official lineup cards Rocco handed to the umpire listed two LF each of those games.

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18 hours ago, h2oface said:

I also find it comedic that Theilbar strained his groin throwing a 62 mph ephus curveball.

I feel the groin strain *caused* the 62-MPH curveball, considering he usually throws it in the high-60s/low-70s. I'm just impressed he threw it in the strike zone. 

Edited by Andrew Bryz-Gornia
Had more to add after I hit post the first time.
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On 6/4/2021 at 3:27 PM, h2oface said:

I also find it comedic that Theilbar strained his groin throwing a 62 mph ephus curveball.

Fitting don't you think how this season has gone?

I think the blame for 2021 has to fall on the unfortunate shoulders of some vp secretary in charge of SOMETHING to have never sent out the appropriate emails to the organization to remind them that 2020 was LAST YEAR and we've flipped the calender now. 

And we thought daylight saving time was a mess!

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