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Local Copy Editor Pleads With Twins to Keep Kyle Garlick

“The headline possibilities are endless. I need this. We need this.”With the Twins looking to build their Eddie Rosario-less outfield for the 2021 season, many tantalizing names are getting thrown around. Fans are clamoring for prize prospect Alex Kirilloff, while others are intrigued by the power of Brent Rooker. However, one Minnesotan has his eyes on a less-discussed option.


“They gotta bring Kyle Garlick up,” said Star Tribune copy editor Kenneth Tuss. “They just gotta.”


Tuss, who has worked at the Newspaper of the Twin Cities for over a decade, was quick to note this was not due to any personal relationship with the 29-year-old journeyman outfielder.


“If he goes out and hangs a 4-for-5 on the White Sox, the headline is right there: GARLICK MINCES CHICAGO. I can hear the soft chuckles from Bloomington and St. Louis Park already.”


Tuss is often tasked with adding headlines to Twins game stories. The job is not always a glamorous one, and any chance to seed some wordplay into the morning paper is welcome.


“The headline possibilities are endless,” said the Minneapolis resident. “In a troubled time for print media and newspapers all over, I need this. We need this. Think about it: He sails a relay throw that allows the winning run to score. Now you’ve got yourself a ROASTED: GARLICK ERROR BURNS TWINS.”


The veteran journalist admits that he spent the last week running through all the garlic puns he could use instead of maintaining contact with family, friends, and the outside world.


“I guess my mom and dad got their vaccines on Monday, which is good for them I suppose,” said Tuss. “But think about the following: Kyle Garlick hits a walk-off home run that lands on the plaza. GARLICK MASHED. Or if he makes a diving catch to bail the team out of a high-leverage situation? TOO MUCH GARLICK SALTS AWAY SERIES SWEEP. That gives you alliteration too. He might be the most important Minnesota Twin of 2021, if not all time.”


Tuss says this is the most excited he’s been for a Twins season since 2018, when he heard an unfounded rumor that they might acquire Chicago reliever Aaron Bummer.


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