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Front Page: Local Uncle Eager to Blame Quiet Twins Offseason On Joe Mauer

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#1 RandBalls Stu

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Posted 06 December 2019 - 07:00 AM

Bert Galligan, a divorced business machine salesman from West St. Paul, has begun blaming the Minnesota Twins’ slow start to free agency on Joe Mauer to any and all who will listen, according to multiple nieces and nephews. Everything from holiday celebrations to everyday interactions are affected.[NOTE: This was written prior to reports of a possible Michael Pineda deal. Please ignore that for the purposes of these locally-made, handcrafted jokes.]

“He just had a post on Facebook that said ‘Bet the Pohlads had a balloon payment due to Mauer but good luck getting the media to report it’ or something like that,” said John Cushman, Galligan’s nephew and one of the few relatives who hasn’t muted Galligan on the social media platform due to the latter’s constant sharing of stories from something called LibertyPatriot.USA. “Uncle Bert is pretty clearly on fire about this, because he just called my mom (Barbara, Galligan’s sister) for the first time since May and that was the first thing he brought up.”

There is no indication that the Twins owe Mauer, who retired in 2018, any money. Uncle Bert is undeterred.

“I'm Catholic and my partner’s family is Jewish, so we like to have a combination Hanukkah/Christmas party for anyone in our extended families who wants to attend,” said Teri Klobes, Galligan’s niece. “Here’s the text Bert sent me last night: ‘INSTEAD OF THE FESTIVAL OF LIGHTS, I BET THE TWINS HAVE A FESTIVAL OF LIGHT WALLETS!’ Then there’s a bunch of emojis, then a curse word, then ‘MAUER’S A BUM!’ Then he said he’d bring chips and a handle of brown liquor.”

Galligan, who listens to AM radio 6-8 hours per weekday, has also reached out to strangers to spread his theory. Tabitha Washington, a Salvation Army volunteer at a Mendota Heights grocery store, characterized her conversation with Uncle Bert as “one-sided.”

“I’m ringing the bell and humming ‘We Three Kings,’ and he strides up with a $5 bill,” said Washington. “I was about to thank him, but before I could get a word out he says ‘Here’s five bucks more than the Pohlads have spent this Christmas. Suppose you can’t when you gotta pay Mauer’s butler.’ Then he snorted and walked in the store. Who are the Pohlads?”

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#2 goulik

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Posted 06 December 2019 - 08:43 AM

 

[NOTE: This was written prior to reports of a possible Michael Pineda deal. Please ignore that for the purposes of these locally-made, handcrafted jokes.]

Lol, your timing on this one was one day late especially with the news that the Pohlads threw 5 bucks at Avila as well. I appreciate these reads and almost wish the signings hadn't happened just as you sent it out, but only almost.

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#3 USAFChief

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Posted 06 December 2019 - 08:48 AM

‘Bet the Pohlads had a balloon payment due to Mauer

 

Mauer sells balloons? I thought he had a used car lot.

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Cutting my carbs...with a pizza slicer.


#4 Hosken Bombo Disco

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Posted 06 December 2019 - 09:01 AM

Listens to AM radio, you say? I blame Mike Max.
He measured the achievements of others by what they had accomplished, asking of them that they measure him by what he envisaged or planned.
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#5 Hosken Bombo Disco

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Posted 06 December 2019 - 09:03 AM

And what if we come to find out it’s Mauer leaving all those $10,000 dollar bills in those red kettles? Then what?
He measured the achievements of others by what they had accomplished, asking of them that they measure him by what he envisaged or planned.
- J. L. Borges

#6 Number3

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Posted 06 December 2019 - 09:30 AM

Not just Mauer. Max Scherzer is the only long term $20mil plus/year that has seemed to not be effected by the big bucks in a negative way. Mauer basically slept through his entire contract and relied on his natural talent and simply showing up. Look at Machado and Harper from 2019 on their new teams. Nice numbers but $30mil per year numbers? I don't think so. Plus, where did it get their respective teams? No where near the playoffs and Nats went all the way in part thanks to Harper being gone. You can't convince me that these mega contract free agents don't have a negative influence in the club house. Its only human nature.


#7 LewFordLives

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Posted 06 December 2019 - 11:55 AM

This article is complete garbage! It has nothing to do with Mauer. Everyone knows the front office has been quiet because they are keeping a roster spot open for Nick Punto!
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#8 goulik

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Posted 06 December 2019 - 12:07 PM

 

This article is complete garbage! It has nothing to do with Mauer. Everyone knows the front office has been quiet because they are keeping a roster spot open for Nick Punto!

2 Roster spots? Did you forget Lew Ford?

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#9 ewen21

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Posted 06 December 2019 - 12:18 PM

Is this a subtle way to say past criticisms of Mauer were irrational?

#10 ewen21

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Posted 06 December 2019 - 12:40 PM

Not just Mauer. Max Scherzer is the only long term $20mil plus/year that has seemed to not be effected by the big bucks in a negative way. Mauer basically slept through his entire contract and relied on his natural talent and simply showing up. Look at Machado and Harper from 2019 on their new teams. Nice numbers but $30mil per year numbers? I don't think so. Plus, where did it get their respective teams? No where near the playoffs and Nats went all the way in part thanks to Harper being gone. You can't convince me that these mega contract free agents don't have a negative influence in the club house. Its only human nature.


This is an entirely reasonable synopsis and certainly doesn’t deserve to be mocked
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#11 howeda7

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Posted 06 December 2019 - 12:46 PM

I'd like to hear more about this LibertyPatriot.USA

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#12 Hosken Bombo Disco

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Posted 06 December 2019 - 01:03 PM

Is this a subtle way to say past criticisms of Mauer were irrational?

No. :)
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He measured the achievements of others by what they had accomplished, asking of them that they measure him by what he envisaged or planned.
- J. L. Borges

#13 Hosken Bombo Disco

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Posted 06 December 2019 - 01:03 PM

I'd like to hear more about this LibertyPatriot.USA

and No. :)
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He measured the achievements of others by what they had accomplished, asking of them that they measure him by what he envisaged or planned.
- J. L. Borges

#14 ewen21

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Posted 06 December 2019 - 02:18 PM

No. :)


Is Stu your pen name or can’t he speak for himself?

#15 nicksaviking

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Posted 06 December 2019 - 03:56 PM

 

Is Stu your pen name or can’t he speak for himself?

 

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#16 sorney

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Posted 06 December 2019 - 08:16 PM

I think we can all agree, Bert Galligan is a tool

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#17 DavidGould

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Posted 07 December 2019 - 07:04 PM

The reason I as a lifelong twins fan no longer likes Mauer is because the twins gave him a HORRIBLE contract that was awful for the twins... why can they do that for Mauer? A below average first baseman and not Gerrit Cole the best pitcher in the game? I just wish they weren’t terrified of bad contracts and that’s nexause of Joe Mauer that they are..

#18 prouster

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Posted 07 December 2019 - 10:29 PM

The reason I as a lifelong twins fan no longer likes Mauer is because the twins gave him a HORRIBLE contract that was awful for the twins... why can they do that for Mauer? A below average first baseman and not Gerrit Cole the best pitcher in the game? I just wish they weren’t terrified of bad contracts and that’s nexause of Joe Mauer that they are..


I, uh, don’t think Cole warranted that much money when Mauer signed his contract a decade ago.