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Article: Diehard Twins Fan Admits to Self, Cat That He Didn’t Know Who Sean Poppen Was Either

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#1 RandBalls Stu

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Posted 21 June 2019 - 05:00 AM

Lino Lakes man talks a good game at work on Thursday, but later, in the quiet of his living room, reveals that he knew better.The resurgent 2019 Twins have been a boon for Bruce Stoffer. The 3M account executive, known around the office for his omnipresent Twins cap and bobblehead collection, has had a field day talking to his newly interested co-workers about the team. Nowhere was this more apparent than on Thursday morning, when the subject of new reliever Sean Poppen came up.

“Oh yeah, I’ve been following Poppen’s rise through the system for quite awhile now,” Stoffer lied to his assistant. “I think everyone was panicked that he’d falter and the bullpen would really get worked, but I had faith in his stuff.
Stoffer continued this string of falsehoods over lunch.

“I’ve always liked Poppen’s velo and figured it could translate in the bigs if he could throw strikes,” fibbed the 39-year-old bachelor to the table of co-workers at Jimmy John’s. “Definitely one of those arms that stands out when you’re breaking down the prospects.”

The unrelenting wave of BS was capped off at the end of the day at a birthday celebration for Carly, his direct supervisor.

“When the game finally ended on Tuesday night, I sent a text to my buddy Josh saying I bet they call up Poppen in the morning,” said Stoffer, in a whopper that defied belief and gravity, to his assembled co-workers over a sheet cake from Cub Foods. “When you follow the game, these are the nuances that register for you.”

Later, alone and toggling between the Twins game and the NBA Draft on his television, he muted the volume and looked around his sparsely appointed living room.

“I have no idea who that guy is,” he admitted to his cat, Otto. “I looked all that up on Baseball Prospectus when the game was on like everyone else did. I don’t know why I did this.”

Stoffer promised the cat that he would not do the same thing regarding Timberwolves draft pick Jarrett Culver on Friday, who he had never heard of until he was drafted. He later admitted that the odds of this were 50/50 at best.

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#2 ashbury

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Posted 21 June 2019 - 05:39 AM

Hey diehardtwinsfan, your name was in print today!

 

RS, do Riverbrian and USAFChief next!

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#3 diehardtwinsfan

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Posted 21 June 2019 - 05:44 AM

I'm not 39, nor a Bachelor, and I hate cats... 

 

I will neither confirm or deny the rest of the contents of the article. 

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#4 AlwaysinModeration

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Posted 21 June 2019 - 06:14 AM

We are all Stoffer.

But I did peg the Poppen call-up.
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#5 theBOMisthebomb

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Posted 21 June 2019 - 06:52 AM

You can't hate on the guy for what he did. We all have something outside of the Twins like a spouse, job, children, volunteer work, other hobbies and interests that might allow this to happen to us.
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#6 Han Joelo

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Posted 21 June 2019 - 08:22 AM

I guess the really deep part of the cut comes from the fact we all knew exactly who Sean Poppen was.

 

Now, if you'd have told me a fellow named "Glenn Sparkmann" would shut down the Twins' mighty offense, I'd have said you must be quoting Stu.

  • ashbury, Oldgoat_MN and RandBalls Stu like this

#7 Danchat

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Posted 21 June 2019 - 10:55 AM

I didn’t realize satire articles was exactly what Twins Daily needed, but I’m loving these articles. Good stuff!
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#8 Sconnie

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Posted 21 June 2019 - 05:56 PM

This one hit way too close to home

#9 Riverbrian

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Posted 21 June 2019 - 06:02 PM

 

I'm not 39, nor a Bachelor, and I hate cats... 

 

I will neither confirm or deny the rest of the contents of the article. 

 

I don't know what to believe but he says it was you... so it was you. 

 

Benefit of the doubt. 

 

 

  • diehardtwinsfan likes this
A Skeleton walks into a bar and says... "Give me a beer... And a mop".

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I'm not a starting 9 guy!!!

#10 Riverbrian

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Posted 22 June 2019 - 05:50 AM

 

Hey diehardtwinsfan, your name was in print today!

 

RS, do Riverbrian and USAFChief next!

 

I've waited a long time. Seems like by now I'd be a subject of a TD article. 

  • ashbury likes this
A Skeleton walks into a bar and says... "Give me a beer... And a mop".

President of the "Baseball Player Positional Flexibility" Club
Founded 4-23-16

Strike Zone Automation Advocate

I'm not a starting 9 guy!!!

#11 ashbury

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Posted 22 June 2019 - 05:59 AM

I've waited a long time. Seems like by now I'd be a subject of a TD article. 

If you want satire, give RandBall's Stu an infraction warning point for his persistent and blatant trolling.

 

That'll put you on his radar.

  • Riverbrian likes this

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#12 TFRazor

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Posted 22 June 2019 - 06:04 AM

 

 

Now, if you'd have told me a fellow named "Glenn Sparkmann" would shut down the Twins' mighty offense, I'd have said you must be quoting Stu.

Seriously. With a name like that, he should be selling propane and propane accessories.

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