No Altarations If You Please
Okay, I’m going to throw myself at the foot of the High Altar of Analytics and beg for mercy. Well, maybe not “throw” as I might hurt myself. Bad shoulder. Got pitched off a horse once. Besides, I wouldn’t be able to get back up. Two bad knees (football and volleyball). Right ankle, also bad (football, basketball, baseball and basketball again). I could maybe try to pull myself up with my left arm because I’m ambidextrous, but my left wrist, the one I broke about a hundred years ago (football), well… that’s bad too.
I guess you could say I’m
Anyway, like opposing pitchers, I beg for mercy because although I’ve been a guy who has relied on data my entire life, I have never understood all the statistical formulas behind a lot of the data. In fact I bluffed my way through a couple of college statistics classes by smiling and nodding knowingly despite being completely in the dark. Here’s that formula if any struggling college student out there should feel tempted to duplicate my efforts. (Sm x (NK/D)*(BS*4) = Pass.
But even though I don’t understand how the statistics geeks get all their numbers, I can still make those numbers useful. In a way.
Thus the hurling (baseball term I thought I’d work in because, you know, this is uh, you know, a baseball site) myself at the foot of the altar. And of course if I hurled at the head of the altar I might wind up clearing the benches and drawing a one-game suspension. And a slap on the fanny, uh, wrist, you savage.
Now that I have deliberately muddied the waters, here’s some interesting stats that probably don’t mean (median?) anything about today’s game. “But at least I understand them…” he claimed with a smile and a knowing nod in the now-darkened room.
Using a proprietary formula (that means I lost my notes and have no idea how I arrived at anything) for statistical analysis I predict the following regarding today's impending clash of Central Division Titans… Okay, maybe one Titan and one Minotaur, the latter being the mythical beast of which I am most often compared. You know, because the Minotaur was reputed to be half bull.
Predictions I Will Claim Only If They Prove To Be Accurate And Disavow As Vehemently As A Straight-Faced Politician If They Prove So Far Off The Mark My Banishment From TD Will Become A Subject Of Discussion Among The Baseball Gods Whose Bowels Move In Mysterious Ways
Twins: 101 Dalmatians
White Sox: 1 Partridge In A Pear Tree
Twins: One for every player whose last name begins with a letter.
White Sox: What they call the stampede from the locker room when the coldcuts served in the clubhouse were contaminated with Eek-Coli and the stadium toilets are backed up.
Twins: an opener for a starter, some middling relief and the last one just before closing.
White Sox: None. Going with 99 bottles of beer on the wall instead.
Twins: Gib “The Nibbler” Gibson 4-2 ERA 4.47. 51 K
Sox: Manny “The Sacrificial Lamb” Banuelos 2-3 ERA 7.26 32K
See You tomorrow!
Edited by Dave The Dastardly, 25 May 2019 - 07:04 AM.