After a spate of injuries to potential franchise cornerstones like Byron Buxton and Miguel Sano, there was growing speculation that the Injury Gods might finally take their foot off the gas in their gleeful demolition of the Minnesota Twins.Sources close to the Gods say Twins fans should brace for more anguish.
“Oh, they’re not done with Minnesota yet,” said a source with knowledge of the Gods’ thinking, who asked for anonymity so as not to be sent to the Pit of Just Knives Always. “The second they found out how much joy Willians Astudillo brought the fan base and the Internet, that really got things cooking in The Chamber of That Which Is To Come.”
A second source confirmed that the Twins were very close to getting out of Spring Training without further incidents beyond garden variety aches and pains.
“They really thought the Sano injury was their masterstroke,” said a source in the front office of Dlekhem, Harvester of Ulnar Nerves. “They even made up a word, debridement, just to see if everyone else would repeat it. And they did! Lo, the laughter that echoed across The Great Hall of Wounds and Desolation hasn’t been heard since Teddy Bridgewater’s knee exploded.
“They’re not ones to rest on their laurels, though. Even with (Byron) Buxton’s lost 2018 and the Sano injury and the Royce Lewis oblique strain, they’re always looking to inflict more pain. Even when they were about to adjourn for a weekend in Branson, they double checked to see if there was any delight in the Twins fan base. Astudillo’s name came right up.”
What the Gods have planned cannot be known by mortal brains, which are too puny to process their baleful wrath. But both sources indicated that all options are on the table for suffering.
“It could be something as pedestrian as a dislocated shoulder or a hamstring that just can’t get right, or it could be something truly decadent, like a rain of puppies and chainsaws,” speculated the first source. “Here are these adorable puppies colliding with the earth at incredible speed, and your mind can’t even process that horror, and then BOOM: Chainsaws. The mental and physical trauma is quite delicious.”
Asked why the Gods seem so laser-focused on hammering the fragile spirits of Twins fans, the source confirmed what many had speculated all along.
“The Old Ones, from Dlekhem to Ogenth the Ligament Flayer, are all Yankees fans. They also said they’re sending another storm this weekend. Sorry about that.”
Twins Daily is THRILLED to welcome Randball Stu as a weekly satirical contributor.
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