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Article: Sources: Injury Gods Advise 'Not Getting Attached' to Willians Astudillo

miguel sano byron buxton willians astudillo royce lewis the pit of just knives always
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#1 RandBall's Stu

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Posted 08 March 2019 - 07:33 AM

The Old Ones, praise their name, look to continue ravaging your favorite baseball team.

After a spate of injuries to potential franchise cornerstones like Byron Buxton and Miguel Sano, there was growing speculation that the Injury Gods might finally take their foot off the gas in their gleeful demolition of the Minnesota Twins.Sources close to the Gods say Twins fans should brace for more anguish.

“Oh, they’re not done with Minnesota yet,” said a source with knowledge of the Gods’ thinking, who asked for anonymity so as not to be sent to the Pit of Just Knives Always. “The second they found out how much joy Willians Astudillo brought the fan base and the Internet, that really got things cooking in The Chamber of That Which Is To Come.”

A second source confirmed that the Twins were very close to getting out of Spring Training without further incidents beyond garden variety aches and pains.

“They really thought the Sano injury was their masterstroke,” said a source in the front office of Dlekhem, Harvester of Ulnar Nerves. “They even made up a word, debridement, just to see if everyone else would repeat it. And they did! Lo, the laughter that echoed across The Great Hall of Wounds and Desolation hasn’t been heard since Teddy Bridgewater’s knee exploded.

“They’re not ones to rest on their laurels, though. Even with (Byron) Buxton’s lost 2018 and the Sano injury and the Royce Lewis oblique strain, they’re always looking to inflict more pain. Even when they were about to adjourn for a weekend in Branson, they double checked to see if there was any delight in the Twins fan base. Astudillo’s name came right up.”

What the Gods have planned cannot be known by mortal brains, which are too puny to process their baleful wrath. But both sources indicated that all options are on the table for suffering.

“It could be something as pedestrian as a dislocated shoulder or a hamstring that just can’t get right, or it could be something truly decadent, like a rain of puppies and chainsaws,” speculated the first source. “Here are these adorable puppies colliding with the earth at incredible speed, and your mind can’t even process that horror, and then BOOM: Chainsaws. The mental and physical trauma is quite delicious.”

Asked why the Gods seem so laser-focused on hammering the fragile spirits of Twins fans, the source confirmed what many had speculated all along.

“The Old Ones, from Dlekhem to Ogenth the Ligament Flayer, are all Yankees fans. They also said they’re sending another storm this weekend. Sorry about that.”

 

Twins Daily is THRILLED to welcome Randball Stu as a weekly satirical contributor.


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#2 John Bonnes

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Posted 08 March 2019 - 07:40 AM

This story actually made me google "Odenth The Ligament Flayer." The good news is that Twins Daily is at the top of that google search. The bad news is that Twins Daily is at the top of that google search. 

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#3 ashbury

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Posted 08 March 2019 - 07:44 AM

What tribute or sacrifice is required, to avert this fate? Would Tyler Jay's left arm on a platter suffice? Or does it have to be something still of value?

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It is useless to attempt to reason a man out of a thing he was never reasoned into. -- Jonathan Swift


#4 spycake

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Posted 08 March 2019 - 08:55 AM

If Astudillo gets hurt, I don't think the fans here could take it, so don't tell us. Just tell us that he's much happier now playing at a farm with other tortugas.

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#5 Puckett34

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Posted 08 March 2019 - 09:27 AM

 

What tribute or sacrifice is required, to avert this fate? Would Tyler Jay's left arm on a platter suffice? Or does it have to be something still of value?

I volunteer August-September 2018 Matt Belisle as tribute

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Hit dingers.  Never bunt.


#6 spycake

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Posted 08 March 2019 - 09:33 AM

 

I volunteer August-September 2018 Matt Belisle as tribute

The gods demand more than a 40-man roster spot!

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#7 goulik

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Posted 08 March 2019 - 09:49 AM

 

The gods demand more than a 40-man roster spot!

This is starting to sound like mid season trade talk so I will offer Nick Gordon, Tyler Jay, a PTBNL and cash for a return of Sano early and Astudillo's healthy season

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#8 Puckett34

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Posted 08 March 2019 - 10:07 AM

 

The gods demand more than a 40-man roster spot!

Tyler Austin and Tyler Jay it is then! Any more Tyler's to give up?

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Hit dingers.  Never bunt.


#9 nicksaviking

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Posted 08 March 2019 - 10:16 AM

Did Phil Hughes take his excised rib with him or did he leave it here? Maybe we can pull a fast one on them.

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#10 spycake

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Posted 08 March 2019 - 10:19 AM

 

This is starting to sound like mid season trade talk so I will offer Nick Gordon, Tyler Jay, a PTBNL and cash for a return of Sano early and Astudillo's healthy season

 

 

Tyler Austin and Tyler Jay it is then! Any more Tyler's to give up?

 

Warning: the gods won't necessarily hold up their end of the deal either. Like when we traded Aaron Hicks to the devil, and he promised an MLB catcher in return...

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#11 drunksam

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Posted 08 March 2019 - 10:26 AM

Is there not a rule that any offering must start with or at least include Duensing?
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Better looking with the lights out.

#12 less cowbell more neau

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Posted 08 March 2019 - 10:34 AM

...like a rain of puppies and chainsaws,

That pretty much sums it up.

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"Now, more than ever, we need the Jedi." -Bob Wilton


#13 Puckett34

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Posted 08 March 2019 - 11:56 AM

 

Is there not a rule that any offering must start with or at least include Duensing?

Obviously, the rule is he must be included. With a potential return not limited to Mark De Rosa. But the return should at least include Mark De Rosa

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Hit dingers.  Never bunt.


#14 mickeymental

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Posted 08 March 2019 - 12:12 PM

meanwhile, a 41-year-old nick punto grabs the neatsfoot oil and waits by the phone.

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#15 jimbo92107

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Posted 08 March 2019 - 02:20 PM

I shall burn special incense to Cthulhu to ward off evil for the Twins. Then I shall put some of it in a batch of brownies, with extra raisins, wall nuts and a bit of that Torani hazelnut syrup. A pinch of orange zest will complete the potion. 

 

All hail Cthulhu! He did...that thing with...that other thing! 

 

Play ball, pitiful mortals! Go Twins!

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The door opened. A woman screamed. Someday, my mom would learn to knock.


#16 Mike Sixel

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Posted 08 March 2019 - 03:15 PM

 

I shall burn special incense to Cthulhu to ward off evil for the Twins. Then I shall put some of it in a batch of brownies, with extra raisins, wall nuts and a bit of that Torani hazelnut syrup. A pinch of orange zest will complete the potion. 

 

All hail Cthulhu! He did...that thing with...that other thing! 

 

Play ball, pitiful mortals! Go Twins!

 

Cthulu cares not for your offerings.....

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Have. Not of. Have a great day.

#17 sorney

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Posted 08 March 2019 - 08:29 PM

Source close to the gods always make me think of Danzig....

Not sure if that is good or bad


#18 USAFChief

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Posted 08 March 2019 - 09:23 PM

I shall burn special incense to Cthulhu to ward off evil for the Twins. Then I shall put some of it in a batch of brownies, with extra raisins, wall nuts and a bit of that Torani hazelnut syrup. A pinch of orange zest will complete the potion. 
 
All hail Cthulhu! He did...that thing with...that other thing! 
 
Play ball, pitiful mortals! Go Twins!


Raisins? In brownies??

Are you TRYING to bring down the wrath of the gods on us???
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Cutting my carbs...with a pizza slicer.


#19 Twodogs

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Posted 08 March 2019 - 10:18 PM

I'm not sure the God's appreciate all of the frivolous joking about offerings of nothing. It might make them mad enough to brew up some bi-lateral leg weakness and spew it on to one of our boys. You know, one of those injuries that you just can't figure out.

You cannot succeed without hate for your enemy


#20 7r4de me

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Posted 08 March 2019 - 11:48 PM

More articles like this please :)



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