This Twins Fan Ain't Satisfied.
Flavey and Levine. The pair in the Front Office. Although they both can’t be in there because there’s usually only one front office otherwise it wouldn’t be in front of the other offices. But let’s just say there’s two front offices and no back office. Which of course will make it hard to make a deal because the best deals are always made secretively; in the Back Office.
Maybe they got a hallway they can use for cutting a deal. Hell, use the executive bath room if you have to, just make a deal. And not just a deal, a deal-deal. It’s time to stop being cute, time to stop trying to prove you can find a gem in other teams’ junk just because you read a book on analytics. In short, it’s time for the pair of you to grow a pair; swing for the damn fences! Do or Die!
Bite the bullet. Give Molitor and the hitting coach a train ticket to Clarksville. Molly’s got a MOY Award and a nice three year contract to help him ease into retirement. He’ll probably thank you for it.
Now get a manager with fire in his eyes and a proven track record for getting the most out of young players.
Pick up the phone and call the Tigers. Throw yourselves at their feet. Everybody knows you’re desperate anyway. Just look at the standings. Look at the batting averages if you have the stomach for it. So put all pretenses aside. Tell the Tigers Front Office up front, preferably while they’re in their Back Office waiting to make a deal, that you want Dougie back. Tell them they can have anybody off the major league club but Berrios, Romero, Rosario, Escobar, Pressley and Hildenberger in trade. Make that two anybodies. Tell them they can have three current Twins if they throw Brian Harper in on the deal to be the new Twins hitting coach. Hell, tell the Tigers they can have six Twins off the major league club if they take Goodman, Wilson and LoMo off your hands. Maybe even throw in Sano if you have to. If they can find him down there in Single A. Just make the deal.
Then once you get ink on paper, steal your wives’ lipstick and start kissing Dougie’s... whatever. Throw yourselves at his feet, confess your idiocy. Admit you were getting all uppity, trying to prove your high-and-mighty analytic smartness when you dismissed Dougie, forgetting that the best “analytic” for a manager is how many games he wins, not how he wins them. Offer him a three-year contract equal to whatever the highest paid manager in the Bigs is getting. Throw in a few incentives; use of the Pohlad’s private jet so he can fly home on off-days to see his family, tell him he can select whatever minor league players he wants for the Twins roster no questions asked, no moaning about starting the clock, or losing options or any of that happy equine fecal matter that makes front office type sound smart but keeps talent down on the farm until they’re old enough to retire. And promise, carve it in a big frigging stone on Twins Plaza, you will not in any way shape or form claim major league cast-offs off the waiver wire, or screw around with Rule Five sucker bait or in anyway add any players to the 40-man or 25-man roster without Dougie’s prior approval.
Then stay out of Dougie’s way and let him build us a winning team. You can get in the team photo when he wins the Division. And when the Twins are in the World Series and the TV cameras are on the owner/front office box, you can nod wisely and knowingly when the announcers pronounce you geniuses.
So swallow your pride and make the deal. What have you got to lose? Your last ten fans?