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Axel Kohagen

Pitch Men.

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I've been married for over ten years, so trying to find an emotional connection with this group of Minnesota Twins pitchers is really hard for me.

Let me explain.

Trying to keep up with the Twins players getting their innings in on the mound feels like trying to keep up with a string of bland blind dates that almost - but don't quite - squash the hope right out of your heart.

I know this from single friends. It sounds like there's always something to like in the people stuck playing restaurant roulette of the damned. You just want something better than okay out of the experience.

That's how I feel about all of the tall, wounded, old, unproven, shaky men who toss it sixty feet and six inches across the dish. They seem fine, but none of them make me want to put my feet up with a beer and Cory Provus's voice on the radio, waiting to see if that pitcher can cast a spell. Maybe toss a perfect game a little more perfect than Francisco Liriano's no-hitter from 2011.

Unlike my dating life, the Twins are going to settle on some pitchers that are innings-eaters.

"Innings-eater" is basically baseball speak for "great personality."

(I'd talk now about how thankful I am to have a wife who's an all-star on the mound, but I don't want to put up with a week of her rolling her eyes and mocking me for being mushy.)
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