Inside a Target Field Promotions Meeting: A Screenplay
by, 03-23-2013 at 02:47 PM (685 Views)
Originally posted at Kevin Slowey was Framed!
INT. TARGET FIELD BOARDROOM - LATE AFTERNOON
A room full of executives readies themselves for an important meeting. WILSON, JOHNSON, THOMAS, SMITH, and DAVIS each take a seat at the table. DAVIS sits at the head of the table and the others surround him. Everyone looks nervous about the events to transpire. WILSON, JOHNSON, THOMAS, and SMITH each have large, white poster boards, covered for now. There is obvious tension in the room.
DAVISLet's get this meeting started. As you know, we need to plan the promotions and giveaways for the upcoming season. We need to think outside the box, as fan interest is waning due to the on-field product. It is up to our department to make up the difference in attendance. I trust that each of you has a proposal to share.
Everyone looks around at each other. There seems to be confusion as each person looks down at their covered proposal.
DAVISWILSON, why don't you get us started?
WILSONOk, no time like the present, right fellas?
WILSON is carrying two poster boards. He uncovers the first to reveal JOE FLOWER.
WILSONMy first idea is a giveaway that ties in with the Twins' best player. We create 10,000 Joe Flowers. The idea is that Joe Flower is an "atta-boy" or a pick-me-up. When you see someone having a bad day, you give them Joe Flower. Joe Flower combines the best element of a sunny, happy gift and the Twins' best and most marketable player.
WILSON pauses. The room seems confused an unimpressed.
DAVISThis is confusing. Why would we give away something that people are supposed to then give away to someone else?
WILSONThe idea is a "pay-it-forward" sort of altruistic, gift-giving...
WILSON trails off and uncovers his second poster to reveal JOE FLOUR
WILSONJoe Flour?DAVISYou're suggesting that we give away bags of flour with Joe Mauer's face on the front? You think people are going to want to haul around five pound bags of flour at a baseball game?
WILSONLet's not be over dramatic, I mean, we could give away smaller bags.DAVISBut why would people want them?
WILSONWell, they would be free. That would be nice.
DAVISWILSON, why don't you take a seat. Thank you for these "ideas."
WILSON slowly returns to his seat. He looks noticeably embarrassed and sad. THOMAS, JOHNSON AND SMITH all develop flop sweat and look more nervous than before.
DAVISOk, JOHNSON, you're up. Dazzle me.
JOHNSON stands slowly and heads to the front of the room. He drops his poster board, revealing PANTS WORLEY. He quickly picks it up, moves to the front of the room and officially unveils PANTS WORLEY.
JOHNSONOk, so Vance Worley is one of our newest players and he has his signature glasses. So, I thought we could play off of his glasses and his name and give out pants that have different colored glasses sewn into the upper thigh area and call them PANTS WORLEY.
DAVISYou want to give away pants to our fans?
JOHNSONYeah. I figure it would be a nice, long-lasting giveaway and most people appreciate a good pair of pants.
THOMASWouldn't we need a lot of sizes. There is quite a range of pants-size in our crowd.
JOHNSONIsn't that why we have market research?
DAVISWe have market research to make more money, not to make customized pants for each person coming to a game
WILSONThat image is very unsettling.
DAVISJOHNSON, why don't you just take a seat?
JOHNSONYou could easily give out PANTS WORLEY, but cut-offs. Like, for the summer.DAVISThank you, I actually hadn't thought of that. Please take a seat.
JOHNSON sheepishly returns to his seat. THOMAS and SMITH are now sweating profusely. WILSON still looks very sad. DAVIS seems to be turning redder and redder.
DAVISTHOMAS, you had better be ready to wow me.
THOMAS approaches the front of the room. He turns as though he might go sit back down, before ultimately putting his poster up and revealing BRANDON POGGS WITH AN ANTHONY SLAMMER.
DAVIS(angrily) What is this?
THOMASFans really like Anthony Slama, so I wanted to capitalize on that. I figured we could give away Anthony Slammers, you know because he comes in and slams the door shut. Then, I saw that we had a guy named Brandon Boggs, and I mean, what else can I say?
DAVISI don't follow.
WILSONPogs are toys. You set them up in a stack, then you hit them with a slammer and the pogs that stay upright are yours to keep. It's super cool. I got a bunch at home, I could bring them...
DAVIS(interrupting) Are these popular? Is this a kid's toy?
JOHNSONThey were huge in the 90s. Huge!
DAVISHmm, so I guess this would be an ideal giveaway. We just need to find a time machine first. So, if we decided to ignore the fact that these "pogs" are no longer relevant, you propose we give away toys with pictures of players who aren't going to be on the team? Couldn't we give away pogs with current, popular player on the front, or past favorites?
THOMASWell, I suppose, but what would we call them? Mauer Pogs? Puckett Poggs? It just doesn't have the same ring as Brandon Poggs with Anthony Slammer.
DAVISGo sit down.
THOMAS meekly returns to his seat. As he sits down, WILSON hands him JOE FLOWER. This seems to make THOMAS feel a little better.
WILSONSee, it works!
DAVIS does not look amused. He motions to SMITH.
DAVISYou've been quiet, what do you have for us, SMITH?
SMITH tries to look confident as he walks to the front of the room, but he trips a bit on his chair and nearly falls down. He actually cuts his finger on a wastebasket, as he tries to keep himself from falling. He also drops his proposal, but it does not reveal itself. He stands at the front of the room, takes a deep breath, and reveals ANTHONY SPORTSHACK.
DAVISJust sit down.
SMITHThat's probably for the best.
WILSONDo the workers wear umpire uniforms?
SMITH(tripping on his chair) Yes, it's an homage to Foot Locker.
DAVISThat is relatively clever. Guys! We need promotions that we can actually use to draw fans to the park. We're going to go around the room, rapid fire, and everyone gives the first idea that comes to mind. THOMAS (points to THOMAS)!
THOMASCole de Fries.
DAVISLike, give away french fries?
THOMASYeah, but like, with Cole de Vries face on the front or something.
DAVISSMITH (points at SMITH)!
DAVISJOHNSON (points to JOHNSON), no food!
JOHNSONUm, what about Jared Curtains? Like, we could give, um, Jared Burton themed curtains to fans.
DAVISWILSON, anything to add?
WILSONWhat about Aaron Tricks and Trevor Poof? We could dress them as magicians and have them do magic tricks. Or, we could make it a joke and have them be really bad at magic. I mean, it could go either way.
DAVISHow is that a giveaway?
WILSONIt would be more of a promotion or something. Maybe a viral video?
THOMASWhat about Joe Pension? A play off Joe Benson?
DAVISWhat would that even be? Are you proposing that we give each fan a pension?
THOMASWell, no. Maybe like fake money or something.
JOHNSONWe could give away Kyle Lohsion. We'd have to convince the team to sign Kyle Lohse, but it might be worth it...
SMITHWhat about Justin Porno?
DAVISWhat? No, stop, everyone stop! This is a disaster. These ideas are all horrible. We pay each of you to come up with ideas. We pay you to bring in fans. This is just a bunch of nonsense and wordplay. I should fire each and every one of you.
The room falls silent. Everyone looks very disappointed.
WILSONWhat about bobbleheads?
The room erupts in murmurs and head-nods.
DAVISI love it! Excellent meeting everyone. JOHNSON, talk to marketing and order five different players. Get 10,000 of each! It's clear why you all make the big bucks!
The room erupts in handshakes. The handshakes become hand-pounds. The hand-pounds become bro-hugs. The bro-hugs get weird.