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Peanuts from Heaven

Why we must trade Liriano

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There's still a lot of debate over whether or not the Minnesota Twins should trade Francisco Liriano. Sure he's the best pitcher on the staff of a team that's rather desperate for starting pitching, but he's also a free-agent-to-be with a demanding agent who will probably be looking for a sizable pay day (one that we likely can't afford).

Yet, there are plenty of people who would like Frankie Franchise to stick around now that he's figured out how to be consistently dangerous on the hill (Monday's Windy City debacle not withstanding). After all, with a little gum to chew, Liriano's been nigh to un-hittable. But that gum chewing is actually the biggest reason to trade the Cisco Kid.

You might well ask: why does chewing gum mean we have to trade him? The answer, like the answers to all of life's important questions is in a children's book. In this case Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl:

Please believe us when we say

That chewing gum will never pay;

This sticky habit's bound to send

The chewer to a sticky end.

Did any of you ever know

A pitcher called Liriano?...

He chewed while bathing in the tub,

He chewed while dancing at the club,

He chewed in church and on the bus;

It really was quite ludicrous!...

But then one day, he had to put the gum away

(Because the umps hated the delay)

And suddenly, Liriano just could not pitch,

He missed the zone by two feet and an inch,

The fastball slowed down, the slider didn't move

As hard as he tried, he couldn't find a groove.

His fans, upset, began to boo

And Liriano just did not have a clue.

So he served up long bombs on his way to a loss

His golden arm turned to nothing but dross

He had to retire, run off and hide,

No teammates or fans would stand by his side

Yes, never was there a tale of more woe

Than this of Francisco Liriano.


It's repulsive, revolting and wrong; chewing and chewing all. day. long
The wa-ay that a co-ow does!
I was just as surprised as anyone to find that a 20th century British author wrote an allusion to a 21st century Dominican pitcher, but such is the power of literary imagination that it can bring reality into being. Just be glad that we found it now rather than after he finished his "tale of woe."

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