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  • The Twins' New Year's Resolutions

    It's been a while since our last post (blahblahblah job, blahblahblah earning salary, blahblahblah spending holiday time with friends and loved ones). But we're back with a very special post as we consider the 2014 resolutions of your Minnesota Twins.

    Joe Mauer
    Baseball Resolution: Hit like a boss now that defense doesn't crush my legs.
    Life Resolution: Be hospitable while hosting my fellow all-stars this summer, maybe even say multi-syllabic words to them!

    Brian Dozer
    Baseball Resolution: Prove that the hitting outburst last year was no fluke.
    Life Resolution: Find out how Joe got that Head and Shoulder's commercial and send them my audition tape.

    Trevor Plouffe
    Baseball Resolution: Throw the ball to the big tall guy at first base as often as possible.
    Life Resolution: Repeat life affirming mantra ("I'm good enough, smart enough, and doggone it people like me") whenever fans make frowny faces at me.

    Josh Willingham
    Baseball Resolution: Get healthy. Get 30+ homers again. Get the hell out of here.
    Life Resolution: See above.

    Oswaldo Arcia
    Baseball Resolution: Hit many more of those mammoth home runs.
    Life Resolution: Build a time machine so I can see those mammoth run home.

    Jason Kubel
    Baseball Resolution: Rebuild career amongst my people.
    Life Resolution: Attempt to smirk with the other side of my mouth.

    Josmil Pinto
    Baseball Resolution: Improve defensively by listening closely to my veteran catcher teammate, veteran catcher coach and veteran pitchers.
    Life Resolution: Improve my teammates by teaching them the harmonies to the entire Mumford & Sons catalogue through repetition of my walk up music.

    Ricky Nolasco
    Baseball Resolution: BE AWESOME!!!!!!!
    Life Resolution: !!!!!!!!

    Caleb Thielbar
    Baseball Resolution: Keep being a badass left-hander.
    Life Resolution: Keep percentages in my favor by brainwashing every hitter to be left-handed.

    Phil Hughes
    Baseball Resolution: Use new stadium to keep home run rates down, try to boost strike out rate.
    Life Resolution: Every time I think about mean Yankee fans, just remember I've gone somewhere so far away that they'll forget I've ever existed...until we play a game in the Bronx...then drink heavily.

    Jared Burton
    Baseball Resolution: Continue to solidify the back of the bullpen.
    Life Resolution: Popularize neck beards again.

    Kevin Correia
    Baseball Resolution: Keep doing what I'm doing, even if I've been demoted from staff ace to staff #3...again...
    Life Resolution: Keep my arm attached to my shoulder.

    Glen Perkins
    Baseball Resolution: Get another All-Star Game spot by racking up the saves...assuming we have games that need saving.
    Life Resolution: Keep speaking truth to power (hitters). And by speaking truth I mean talk trash and throw sliders.

    Ron Gardenhire
    Baseball Resolution: Rebuild the team so it's in good shape for the next guy.
    Life Resolution: Use word-a-day calendar to improve nicknames for the boys. Instead of "Plouffe-y" maybe, Penultimate Plouffe-Dog?

    Twins fans, what are your New Year's Resolutions?

    This article was originally published in blog: The Twins' New Year's Resolutions started by PeanutsFromHeaven
    Comments 4 Comments
    1. Don't Feed the Greed Guy's Avatar
      Don't Feed the Greed Guy -
      Aaron Hicks and Pedro Florimon: Raise our collective On-Base Percentage to over .600
      Life Resolution: Write a co-autobiography/memoir of their sophomore explosions--not unlike Keyshawn Johnson's unforgettable rookie memoir Just Give Me the Damn Ball!: The Fast Times and Hard Knocks of an NFL Rookie. Suggested title? Just Hit the Damn Ball: The Slick Gloves and Trained Bats of Two Spectacular Sophomores
    1. Hosken Bombo Disco's Avatar
      Hosken Bombo Disco -
      Trevor Plouffe: to continue dumping Gatorade as often as possible on that fine mane of Dozier hair

      Attachment 6308
    1. Tibs's Avatar
      Tibs -
      Ricky Nolasco is one excited and enthusiastic guy on Twitter.
    1. Sconnie's Avatar
      Sconnie -
      Sconnie baseball resolution: watch enough twins baseball to learn the AAAA players names.

      Life resolution: get used to the idea that the first base man will hit 340 with 9 hr and 90 RBI with no one else close until 2015/2016
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