Mr. Horrorpants

If my Twins blog gets any bleaker, it'll have to wear black eyeliner.

Not too worried. First Spring Training home run by a Minnesota Twin will have me predicted a World Series victory in six games. I'm like that.

Roger Clemens is threatening to become an obsession for me. He could go into the Ty Cobb Hall of Fame for players so completely unlikeable they've become loveable. I'd drive him there myself, as long as I didn't have to rub Icy-Hot on his groin area.
...

Tags: doumit, parmalee, phil miller, roger clemens

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The Twins are down in Florida, getting ready to play baseball.

I AM excited, of course. It just feels like all us Twins' fans got a Christmas tree out, and we're trying to pretend the packages that look and feel like bags of tube socks aren't really tube socks.

It's gonna be a tube socks year, folks.

Need to make it a goal to at least TRY to remember the names of the starting pitchers. Think I might try cue cards.

Two crappy seasons behind us. ...

This is off-topic, but if you grew up around the same time period as me, you know what happened after the summer Little League games.

You went to a sleepover and you watched a scary movie. Probably one where a guy with a mask and a sharp object chased teenagers around the woods.

Like the song says, they just don't make 'em like that anymore.

UNLESS . . .

Slasher Studios is looking for a few more donations to fund their movie Don't Go To The Reunion, ...

Tags: off-topic

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Thought about the title of this blog. How would I feel if someone sends it back to me after a victorious Twins season? Then, I decided I'd feel pretty damn good about a winning season and probably wouldn't care someone reminded me I started out bitter.

Twins fans across the Internet are writing like the team was dying and they're planning the services in its hospital room. Opening Day will be the funeral service, and Spring Training the visitation.

Too morbid?
...

Tags: camus, ennui, sartre, twins

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I drive by Target Field nearly every day. In the off-season, it looks like a brand new piece of playground equipment. The next time I go past it, it'll look broken-in.

Target Field's not Yankee stadium, but it deserves history. And what's history without a few ghosts?

Revere was a player with a future. Moving him is smart. Giving up winter dreams about his potential will still hurt.

I was as ready as I could be to lose Span. Losing Revere came as a surprise. ...

Tags: revere, span, targetfield, twins

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Finally, I made the trip.

Cedar Rapids is only an hour away from where my parents live, and I finally got out on the open road to watch the Beloit Snappers play the Cedar Rapids Kernels. The following notes and pictures will not provide any interesting baseball knowledge, but they might inspire others in the Twin Cities to make the trip to Cedar Rapids to see the visiting Snappers play.

All pictures are my own, which is more of a confession of guilt than an attempt at bragging. ...

Tags: beloit snappers, cedar rapids kernels, iowa, mr. shucks, seth stohs

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Attached Thumbnails

 

THE DAY-TO-DAY ZONE

FEAR IN A HANDFUL OF ROSIN PART 3

A MR. HORRORPANTS SCREENPLAY

BASED ON AN IDEA BY MICHAEL HAAS (@digitalHaas)

INT. BLACK AND WHITE. A MOD 50s LIVING ROOM. THERE ARE SEVERAL COUCHES MADE UP OF LIGHT GRAY RECTANGLES. A COFFEE TABLE SITS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM, COVERED IN MAGAZINES.

DENARD SPAN ENTERS THE ROOM, LOOKING CONFUSED AND FRUSTRATED. HE SITS ON ONE OF THE COUCHES.

HE SHAKES ...

Tags: day-to-day, denard span

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I, for one, suggest we definitely spend some time celebrating Aaron Gleeman on 10 years of maintaining his blog. Gleeman is a succinct and clear writer who never sacrifices quality, even when producing articles in great quantity. He makes it easy to join into online conversation with other Twins fans, and I'm thankful for what he's done.

So with that in mind, the 10 year anniversary of AaronGleeman.com has to go down like it was classic Johnny Carson stuff. Here are some suggestions: ...

Tags: aaron gleeman, john bonnes

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CH-CH-CH AH-AH-AH

FEAR IN A HANDFUL OF ROSIN PART 3

A MR. HORRORPANTS SCREENPLAY

THE CAMERA PANS OVER AN EMPTY TARGET. DESPITE THE STADIUM'S BARRENNESS, WE CAN HEAR THE SOUNDS OF BASEBALL. PERHAPS THE HAPPY SOUNDS OF THE 2010 SEASON.

MR. HORRORPANTS IS STANDING ALONE AT HOME PLATE. HIS LAB COAT IS FLAPPING IN THE BREEZE.

BEHIND HIM, FROM THE OPPOSING DUGOUT, THE SPECTRAL IMAGE OF JOHAN SANTANA APPEARS.

...

TERROR AT THE MARTIN ROMERO INSTITUTE:

FEAR IN A HANDFUL OF ROSIN PART 2

A MR. HORRORPANTS SCREENPLAY

INT. A LIVING ROOM OF AN ABANDONED HOUSE.

Mr. Horrorpants enters the room. He kicks at a crushed plastic beer cup. From the corner, a crouched human being stirs. The crouched stranger stands and reveals himself to be Carl Pavano, dressed as a teenager from the 1950s.

PAVANO
Nick?

MR. HORRORPANTS

...

Tags: fear in rosin

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From: Michael Fakename
To: Marlins Home Run Feature Design Team.

I. Love. It.

When I said I wanted something that looked like Rainbow Brite puked on a snowglobe, I was just a boy with a dream. You and your design team made this boy's dreams come true!

Can I make one small request? Could you add just ONE MORE Marlin to the display?

I'm envisioning a marlin that comes out of the top of the display, but real slowly. I mean, REALLY slowly. Almost ...

Tags: home run display, miami marlins

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IT'S ALIV . . . NO, NOPE. IT'S NOT. SORRY:

FEAR IN A HANDFUL OF ROSIN PART 1

A MR. HORRORPANTS SCREENPLAY

INT. MAD SCIENTIST'S CASTLE. MR. HORRORPANTS IS WEARING A LAB COAT AND STANDING IN FRONT OF A LARGE BODY ON A SLAB. HE IS ACCOMPANIED BY STELLA, HIS TRUSTY ASSISTANT GREAT DANE.

Mr. Horrorpants pulls a sheet off of the body on the slab to reveal a Frankenstein creation wearing a Minnesota Twins Jersey. On the sleeve ...

The following are my thoughts on the blogger versus journalist "debate." They are largely unresearched and completely subjective, but I hope they offer something to the public discussion.

1) It's not really a debate. This discussion is about the journalistic appraisal of the talent of the blogging community. I don't believe the discussion lends itself toward critiquing the journalistic community. Some mainstream journalists (Jon Heyman comes to mind) get more blogger abuse ...

Tags: blogging

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Nishioka's demotion to Rochester woke the Internet like a robin singing. At that moment, Spring Training truly arrived. Players without unquestionable abilities are now assets, each compared to similar players and measured for potential value for the team.

When someone like Nishioka is cut early, it adds drama to the entire process. He represents a large investment of time and money, and sending him to the minors so quickly says a lot. This leaves the Twins with a bench spot to fill, ...