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A rant

Minnesota Twins Talk Today, 11:06 AM
I've been on about this for two years now, but Baldelli really needs to get over the idea that his best players need a game off every wee...

Chucking baseballs onto the field in disgust

Minnesota Twins Talk Today, 10:55 AM
Spotted last night in The Athletic:   "Fans were throwing baseballs onto the field from the Yankee Stadium bleachers to the point wh...

A rant - Schedule

Minnesota Twins Talk Today, 10:50 AM
I came here to rant but I didn't know there was going to be a DIFFERENT rant. Geez.   OK. The schedule.   I know this is like p...

Ex Twins in 2021: Where Are They Now?

Minnesota Twins Talk Today, 08:30 AM
One of my favorite annual threads on the site. Let’s stay updated on ex-Twins in the news... This is a start of a list, and feel free to...

Effects of the shift

Other Baseball Today, 12:14 AM
This was a discussion about the effects of defensive shifts in baseball, split from today's game thread. Feel free to join in below!...

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If I Owned the Twins: Manager Jonah Hill, Cloned Joe Mauer, Replacements In the Outfield and Other Unasked For Opinions

Posted by VeryWellThen , 06 October 2014 · 1,717 views

humor
It’s that time of the year when everyone offers up their opinions on how they’d improve the Twins if they owned the team. Just like everyone else (including George Steinbrenner in real life), I’m going to ignore that the role of owner is distinct from the roles general manager and manager.
Here is goes. If I owned the Twins…
If I owned the Twins I would make Target Field the first carbon neutral ballpark in the country. The grounds crew would use push mowers, the concessions would run on wind powered from Twins’ bats whiffing, and the lights would be powered with solar panels on the empty seats. I would also buy carbon offsets to power Brian Dozier’s hairdryer.
If I owned the Twins I would fine anyone who bunts. I would fire any manager who orders a bunt. If the Twins get to a World Series, I would not use bunting to decorate Target Field. I just might trade away Bryon Buxton because his last name is an anagram for “Bunt XO” – which sounds to me like someone who loves to bunt.
If I owned the Twins I would clone Joe Mauer. Everyone always says they’d improve their team by cloning their best player. Well, I’ve been watching that Canadian show Orphan Black on Netflix so I think I know how I can get it done. I’d hire someone who knows something about genetic sequencing but I’d get to pick the types of Joe’s we’d clone. It’d be just like the show except on a baseball field: a street-smart Brit Joe in left field, a smart scientist Joe at catcher, and a psychotic Ukranian Joe as closer. I wouldn’t need to make a suburban soccer mom Joe Mauer, because we kind of already have that with the Real Joe Mauer.

If I owned the Twins, to attract a more diverse fan base I would redesign one of those two big white guys in the center field neon sign. I’d make over one of them (probably Minnie) from the big lug that he is to some sort of big ambiguous multi-ethnic amalgam of a lug.
If I owned the Twins I would hire Johan Hill as manager. In Moneyball he showed he had a brilliant baseball mind, in The Wolf of Wall Street he showed be could be a loyal member of a management team, and in SuperBad he showed he could draw real funny um... drawings. Those lineup cards would be something.

If I owned the Twins I would sign Paul Westerberg, Tommy Stinson and whoever else they have playing with them these days just to test out a theory – that every major league baseball player, from Mike Trout to Chris Herrmann, would have a Wins Above Replacements of 162. (Though if I could play Bob Stinson in his prime, Chris Herrmann’s WARs would drop to around 155, I figure – though it’s hard to judge players of different eras.)
If I owned the Twins I would cut salary to league minimum and put the savings into a Swiss bank account. My money would be two vaults over from the money Carl Pohlad stashed there from 1994 to 2001.
If I owned the Twins I would use advanced statistics like xFIP and Swing Percentage to rate all the free agent pitchers in the major leagues. Then I would realize I couldn’t afford any of the pitchers at the top of my ranking because all the other teams use those advanced stats too. Then I’d sign Kevin Corriea. I’d be able to sleep at night, because I tried.

  • Paul Pleiss likes this



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Paul Pleiss
Oct 06 2014 11:50 PM

funny stuff.

 

"If I owned the Twins I would cut salary to league minimum and put the savings into a Swiss bank account. My money would be two vaults over from the money Carl Pohlad stashed there from 1994 to 2001."

 

"If I owned the Twins I would make Target Field the first carbon neutral ballpark in the country. The grounds crew would use push mowers, the concessions would run on wind powered from Twins’ bats whiffing, and the lights would be powered with solar panels on the empty seats. I would also buy carbon offsets to power Brian Dozier’s hairdryer."

 

Those were my favorites.

 

If I owned the Twins I would make Target Field the first carbon neutral ballpark in the country. The grounds crew would use push mowers, the concessions would run on wind powered from Twins’ bats whiffing, and the lights would be powered with solar panels on the empty seats. I would also buy carbon offsets to power Brian Dozier’s hairdryer.

 

My first thought was "there's no way wind power could generate enough electricity to do all that" but then I saw Dozier's hairdryer wasn't included in that, so we're good.