The Houston Astros Guide to Public Apologies
Image courtesy of © Jim Rassol-USA TODAY SportsNow that you've stepped in it, you need to step out of it. This is how to apologize, the Astros Way:
- When possible, don’t.
- See above. Just don’t do it. People will quote you, ask follow-up questions, and point out inconsistencies in your story. Bummer City, Population: You! Seriously, don’t.
- If the media or public demands a statement, see if you can do it by whomping on various household items, like it’s Morse code or something. People might get the joke, think it’s funny, and move on to a different story.
- If the media or public demands that you use your words, craft an insincere, hollow public statement, admit nothing and read with the affect of a hostage holding that day's newspaper to demonstrate proof of life.
- If that simply isn't good enough, construct your apology in the most passive voice possible, speak in vague generalities, and change the subject. Examples:
- BAD: I am sorry for what I did. I am responsible for my actions and accept whatever the penalty is, even if it’s a lifetime ban.
- GOOD: I regret the actions of the team while I was there. I don’t want to relitigate the past and am looking forward to the new season.
- GREAT: At the end of the day, it is what it is. Next question.
- GALAXY BRAIN: I don’t think I should be held accountable.
- Everyone is going to mad after #5 even if you mean it! You really should have paid attention to the first two guidelines above. Why didn’t you read the first two guidelines? They were put at the top for a good reason!
- Save a bunch of kids from imminent danger. People love kids. Those kids are sometimes on buses and those buses might be driving up a perilous mountain pass in a winter storm. If that bus starts teetering along the edge of a crevasse, get out of your car and get those kids to safety before the bus plummets thousands of feet. You’re no longer Alex Bregman, Houston cheater, you’re Alex Bregman, brave hero of the Greeley (CO) Death Bus.
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