Local Uncle Eager to Blame Quiet Twins Offseason On Joe Mauer
Image courtesy of © Brad Rempel-USA TODAY Sports[NOTE: This was written prior to reports of a possible Michael Pineda deal. Please ignore that for the purposes of these locally-made, handcrafted jokes.]
“He just had a post on Facebook that said ‘Bet the Pohlads had a balloon payment due to Mauer but good luck getting the media to report it’ or something like that,” said John Cushman, Galligan’s nephew and one of the few relatives who hasn’t muted Galligan on the social media platform due to the latter’s constant sharing of stories from something called LibertyPatriot.USA. “Uncle Bert is pretty clearly on fire about this, because he just called my mom (Barbara, Galligan’s sister) for the first time since May and that was the first thing he brought up.”
There is no indication that the Twins owe Mauer, who retired in 2018, any money. Uncle Bert is undeterred.
“I'm Catholic and my partner’s family is Jewish, so we like to have a combination Hanukkah/Christmas party for anyone in our extended families who wants to attend,” said Teri Klobes, Galligan’s niece. “Here’s the text Bert sent me last night: ‘INSTEAD OF THE FESTIVAL OF LIGHTS, I BET THE TWINS HAVE A FESTIVAL OF LIGHT WALLETS!’ Then there’s a bunch of emojis, then a curse word, then ‘MAUER’S A BUM!’ Then he said he’d bring chips and a handle of brown liquor.”
Galligan, who listens to AM radio 6-8 hours per weekday, has also reached out to strangers to spread his theory. Tabitha Washington, a Salvation Army volunteer at a Mendota Heights grocery store, characterized her conversation with Uncle Bert as “one-sided.”
“I’m ringing the bell and humming ‘We Three Kings,’ and he strides up with a $5 bill,” said Washington. “I was about to thank him, but before I could get a word out he says ‘Here’s five bucks more than the Pohlads have spent this Christmas. Suppose you can’t when you gotta pay Mauer’s butler.’ Then he snorted and walked in the store. Who are the Pohlads?”
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