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Front Page: Finding the Next Gerrit Cole? A Rocky Proposi...

Minnesota Twins Talk Today, 05:51 AM
Yesterday, Nick wrote an article talking about how the Twins deserve creditfor acquiring Jake Odorizzi and working with him to find his b...
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Front Page: Jhoan Duran Headlines Twins Roster Additions

Twins Minor League Talk Today, 04:53 AM
The Minnesota Twins have announced that right-handed pitchers Jhoan Duran and Dakota Chalmers, infielder Travis Blankenhorn and outfielde...
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Front Page: Should the Twins Look to Add to the Bullpen?

Minnesota Twins Talk Today, 04:34 AM
At this time last season all of the offseason talk was about about adding to the bullpen. The only addition, Blake Parker, is no longer o...
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What do we think Twins payroll REALLY will be?

Minnesota Twins Talk Today, 04:34 AM
I'm not looking for a lot of drumbeating here on what it SHOULD be. I'm wondering what we think it will be when the dust settles this off...
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Front Page: Offseason Blueprint: Riding the Rochester Shu...

Minnesota Twins Talk Today, 02:55 AM
The Twins can breathe a little sigh of relief knowing that Jake Odorrizi will now join Jose Berrios in the rotation for 2020, but there i...
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Channeling Larry King with RandBall's Stu

As a certified Old, I remember with not a little fondness Larry King’s column in USA Today, wherein he would just ramble all over the map with pithy observations like “For my money Angie Dickinson should be on Mount Rushmore, tell Roosevelt to shove it” or “Broccoli is nature’s toilet.” Since this was back before the internet and hedge funds destroyed the newspaper business, he was probably paid $400,000 per column.
Image courtesy of Flickr/Gage Skidmore
Anywhoozle, I was stumped for a column topic this week (my best idea, and I actually wrote this down: “Addison Reed? More like Baddison Reed.”), so I’m doing a Twinscentric spin on Larry’s old column. Please try to enjoy. Refunds are at the door.

The unexpected downside of Minnesota’s fantastic start? Being compelled to stay awake for west coast games on school nights. My day job’s Coffee Bender is a fantastic option for those of age.

The upside is that Gleeman’s awake and you can text him questions about Ma$e.

Yeah, I have Aaron Gleeman’s number. Jealous?

Seattle’s counterpart to Willians Astudillo, at least in the “thick in the britches” column, is Daniel Vogelbach. If they were to collide this weekend, it might trigger a catastrophic event in the Cascadia Subduction Zone. Yes, millions would perish, but it would probably get on SportsCenter?

OK, maybe not SportsCenter, because there will be a 2020 NFL Mock Draft to cover and debate. Then the earthquake and how it impacts Kevin Durant’s free agency decision. Then maybe a Yankees or Red Sox highlight and we’re all out of time.

Seattle’s counterpart to new Twins pitcher Austin Adams is their own Austin Adams. The media claims that they’re not the same guy, but I’ve seen Avengers: Endgame and I am not prepared to rule out MLB messing with the Quantum Realm as part of their service time BS.

That’s not a spoiler, I checked with Bonnes.

Cleveland is starting a 4-game set with Baltimore, so let’s all agree not to panic if the Twins are less than 4.5 games up on Monday morning.

Unless they’re only a ½ game up. Then panic, because something bad probably happened.

Who is your favorite “oh yeah, that guy” Mariner from the incredible 116-win team in 2001 that didn’t even make the World Series? Scott Podsednik or Norm Charlton? There’s a wealth of options.

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5 Comments

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bunt_vs_the_shift
May 17 2019 05:51 AM

Wait, is Larry King a certified Old? I'd just like to know where the line is.

    • ashbury, USAFChief and Sconnie like this
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John Bonnes
May 17 2019 06:37 AM

If you have to ask, you're old.

 

Wait, is Larry King a certified Old? I'd just like to know where the line is.

 

I honestly couldn't believe Vogelbach when I saw him last night. He's Willians Astudillo if he ate Willians Astudillo. 

    • ashbury, USAFChief, snepp and 2 others like this

Larry King? More like Cherry... uh, Bing Cherry.

 

 

/ I'll keep working on it

    • USAFChief likes this
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Don't Feed the Greed Guy
May 17 2019 09:24 AM
Chance and Cannon King, Larry's sons, were drafted by the White Sox. Chance in the 38th round (2017), and Cannon in the 37th round (2018).
    • ashbury likes this
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Hosken Bombo Disco
May 18 2019 08:55 AM
It’s ok about the absolutely terrible column this week, Randball’s Stu. :)

By the way, somewhere on my computer there is a half-finished story about Jake Goodorizzi you can have, if you are ever in a pinch again.