Jump to content

Providing independent coverage of the Minnesota Twins.
Subscribe to Twins Daily Email

The Forums

Article: Minor League Pay: Some Progress at Last?

Other Baseball Today, 09:30 AM
When the Cedar Rapids Kernels host the Lansing Lugnuts in a three-game series beginning July 13 of this summer, Lugnuts players will have...
Full topic ›

Twins Spring Training Highlights

Minnesota Twins Talk Today, 09:22 AM
I'll try to update this thread anytime I'm able to grab some spring training highlights. Here are a few from today:  
Full topic ›

Twins and Gibson Discussion and Extension

Minnesota Twins Talk Today, 09:17 AM
http://www.startribu...lier/507159692/   Interesting to see how this plays out. I'd have to think an extension is likely since the T...
Full topic ›

Leadoff Batter

Minnesota Twins Talk Today, 09:17 AM
In most games this spring I've noticed Kepler being used as the leadoff batter. And based on results thus far (yeah, yeah, small sample s...
Full topic ›

Article: Twins 2019 Position Analysis: Starting Pitcher

Minnesota Twins Talk Today, 09:04 AM
Nowhere has the reforging of this team's identity over the past half-decade been more apparent than in the starting rotation. Five years...
Full topic ›

Sources: Injury Gods Advise 'Not Getting Attached' to Willians Astudillo

The Old Ones, praise their name, look to continue ravaging your favorite baseball team.

After a spate of injuries to potential franchise cornerstones like Byron Buxton and Miguel Sano, there was growing speculation that the Injury Gods might finally take their foot off the gas in their gleeful demolition of the Minnesota Twins.
Image courtesy of © Douglas DeFelice-USA TODAY Sports
Sources close to the Gods say Twins fans should brace for more anguish.

“Oh, they’re not done with Minnesota yet,” said a source with knowledge of the Gods’ thinking, who asked for anonymity so as not to be sent to the Pit of Just Knives Always. “The second they found out how much joy Willians Astudillo brought the fan base and the Internet, that really got things cooking in The Chamber of That Which Is To Come.”

A second source confirmed that the Twins were very close to getting out of Spring Training without further incidents beyond garden variety aches and pains.

“They really thought the Sano injury was their masterstroke,” said a source in the front office of Dlekhem, Harvester of Ulnar Nerves. “They even made up a word, debridement, just to see if everyone else would repeat it. And they did! Lo, the laughter that echoed across The Great Hall of Wounds and Desolation hasn’t been heard since Teddy Bridgewater’s knee exploded.

“They’re not ones to rest on their laurels, though. Even with (Byron) Buxton’s lost 2018 and the Sano injury and the Royce Lewis oblique strain, they’re always looking to inflict more pain. Even when they were about to adjourn for a weekend in Branson, they double checked to see if there was any delight in the Twins fan base. Astudillo’s name came right up.”

What the Gods have planned cannot be known by mortal brains, which are too puny to process their baleful wrath. But both sources indicated that all options are on the table for suffering.

“It could be something as pedestrian as a dislocated shoulder or a hamstring that just can’t get right, or it could be something truly decadent, like a rain of puppies and chainsaws,” speculated the first source. “Here are these adorable puppies colliding with the earth at incredible speed, and your mind can’t even process that horror, and then BOOM: Chainsaws. The mental and physical trauma is quite delicious.”

Asked why the Gods seem so laser-focused on hammering the fragile spirits of Twins fans, the source confirmed what many had speculated all along.

“The Old Ones, from Dlekhem to Ogenth the Ligament Flayer, are all Yankees fans. They also said they’re sending another storm this weekend. Sorry about that.”

 

Twins Daily is THRILLED to welcome Randball Stu as a weekly satirical contributor.


  • rukavina, James, Oldgoat_MN and 5 others like this

  • Share:
  • submit to reddit
Subscribe to Twins Daily Email

Subscribe to Twins Daily Email

27 Comments

Photo
John Bonnes
Mar 08 2019 07:40 AM

This story actually made me google "Odenth The Ligament Flayer." The good news is that Twins Daily is at the top of that google search. The bad news is that Twins Daily is at the top of that google search. 

    • ashbury, USAFChief, glunn and 16 others like this

What tribute or sacrifice is required, to avert this fate? Would Tyler Jay's left arm on a platter suffice? Or does it have to be something still of value?

    • John Bonnes, USAFChief, glunn and 12 others like this

If Astudillo gets hurt, I don't think the fans here could take it, so don't tell us. Just tell us that he's much happier now playing at a farm with other tortugas.

    • ashbury, USAFChief, glunn and 13 others like this

 

What tribute or sacrifice is required, to avert this fate? Would Tyler Jay's left arm on a platter suffice? Or does it have to be something still of value?

I volunteer August-September 2018 Matt Belisle as tribute

    • ashbury, USAFChief, glunn and 5 others like this

 

I volunteer August-September 2018 Matt Belisle as tribute

The gods demand more than a 40-man roster spot!

    • ashbury, USAFChief, glunn and 4 others like this

 

The gods demand more than a 40-man roster spot!

This is starting to sound like mid season trade talk so I will offer Nick Gordon, Tyler Jay, a PTBNL and cash for a return of Sano early and Astudillo's healthy season

    • ashbury, USAFChief, glunn and 4 others like this

 

The gods demand more than a 40-man roster spot!

Tyler Austin and Tyler Jay it is then! Any more Tyler's to give up?

    • ashbury, USAFChief and glunn like this
Photo
nicksaviking
Mar 08 2019 10:16 AM

Did Phil Hughes take his excised rib with him or did he leave it here? Maybe we can pull a fast one on them.

    • ashbury, USAFChief, glunn and 5 others like this

 

This is starting to sound like mid season trade talk so I will offer Nick Gordon, Tyler Jay, a PTBNL and cash for a return of Sano early and Astudillo's healthy season

 

 

Tyler Austin and Tyler Jay it is then! Any more Tyler's to give up?

 

Warning: the gods won't necessarily hold up their end of the deal either. Like when we traded Aaron Hicks to the devil, and he promised an MLB catcher in return...

    • ashbury, USAFChief, glunn and 4 others like this
Is there not a rule that any offering must start with or at least include Duensing?
    • ashbury, USAFChief, glunn and 4 others like this
Photo
less cowbell more neau
Mar 08 2019 10:34 AM
...like a rain of puppies and chainsaws,

That pretty much sums it up.

    • ashbury and USAFChief like this

 

Is there not a rule that any offering must start with or at least include Duensing?

Obviously, the rule is he must be included. With a potential return not limited to Mark De Rosa. But the return should at least include Mark De Rosa

    • USAFChief, glunn and drunksam like this
Photo
mickeymental
Mar 08 2019 12:12 PM

meanwhile, a 41-year-old nick punto grabs the neatsfoot oil and waits by the phone.

    • USAFChief and Doctor Wu like this

I shall burn special incense to Cthulhu to ward off evil for the Twins. Then I shall put some of it in a batch of brownies, with extra raisins, wall nuts and a bit of that Torani hazelnut syrup. A pinch of orange zest will complete the potion. 

 

All hail Cthulhu! He did...that thing with...that other thing! 

 

Play ball, pitiful mortals! Go Twins!

    • glunn, Puckett34 and Sconnie like this

 

I shall burn special incense to Cthulhu to ward off evil for the Twins. Then I shall put some of it in a batch of brownies, with extra raisins, wall nuts and a bit of that Torani hazelnut syrup. A pinch of orange zest will complete the potion. 

 

All hail Cthulhu! He did...that thing with...that other thing! 

 

Play ball, pitiful mortals! Go Twins!

 

Cthulu cares not for your offerings.....

    • USAFChief, glunn, Puckett34 and 2 others like this

Source close to the gods always make me think of Danzig....

Not sure if that is good or bad

I shall burn special incense to Cthulhu to ward off evil for the Twins. Then I shall put some of it in a batch of brownies, with extra raisins, wall nuts and a bit of that Torani hazelnut syrup. A pinch of orange zest will complete the potion. 
 
All hail Cthulhu! He did...that thing with...that other thing! 
 
Play ball, pitiful mortals! Go Twins!


Raisins? In brownies??

Are you TRYING to bring down the wrath of the gods on us???
    • glunn and Nine of twelve like this
I'm not sure the God's appreciate all of the frivolous joking about offerings of nothing. It might make them mad enough to brew up some bi-lateral leg weakness and spew it on to one of our boys. You know, one of those injuries that you just can't figure out.
More articles like this please :)
The Twins tried to sacrifice a first base/dh player already but were told "there is no Duda only Zuul!"
    • ashbury likes this

Raisins? In brownies??
Are you TRYING to bring down the wrath of the gods on us???

If you want to enjoy the average Twins season, it's not raisins you need in brownies! :)
    • LA VIkes Fan and Knuckleball9 like this

If Astudillo gets hurt, I don't think the fans here could take it, so don't tell us. Just tell us that he's much happier now playing at a farm with other tortugas.

Astudillo could end up playing with the other tortugas on a farm, in Upstate New York. Rochester to be specific! :(
    • ashbury and spycake like this

It's time to bring back Carl Pavano!

    • ashbury likes this

More articles like this please :)


I hope you mean more funny articles, and not more articles with "injury" in the title!

This is a good time of year for these articles, were I find myself with my highest level of skepticism and lowest level of confidence in how the Twins business acts/treats players/chooses who to sign and play.


Similar Articles


by Nick Nelson , 14 Mar 2019
Photo


by Seth Stohs , 11 Mar 2019
Photo


by Cody Christie , 11 Mar 2019
Photo


by Nick Nelson , 10 Mar 2019
Photo


by John Bonnes , 10 Mar 2019
Photo