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Authorities, Religious Leaders Ask for Perspective When Panicking About Jose Berrios

While your concerns over the Twins ace are valid, please do not contact emergency services or local parishes.

Twins fans have endured a tense pennant race while the team’s best starting pitcher has struggled mightily for weeks. And local authorities and religious leaders want them to know that there’s not much they can do about it.
Image courtesy of © Paul Rutherford-USA TODAY Sports
“I’m going to use the same voice and same words I use at elementary school programs,” said Hennepin County Emergency Management spokesperson Carolyn Marinan. “Only call 911 in case of emergency. If you lose your math homework, that’s not an emergency. If the water fountain is broken, that’s not an emergency. If Jose Berrios is throwing meat, that’s not an emergency.”

Some Twins fans dispute this.

“My taxes pay for 911,” said Tom Hanson, an unemployed Anoka electrician and frequent caller to AM radio stations. “I believe in small government, but If the Twins aren’t going to do something, then maybe first responders should.”

Meanwhile, local religious leaders want parishioners and citizens of faith to know that, while their prayers for Berrios’ arm are thoughtful, it’s not the Almighty’s fault if he continues to pitch poorly.

“Whatever your conception of God is, this divine figure is not to credit or blame for a random sports event,” said Stina Kielsmeier-Cook, Digital Communications Specialist for the Collegeville Institute. “Christian, Muslim, Jewish, what have you—all faiths are pretty consistent on this.”

Hanson has a different view.

“My third wife was really into this televangelist who said God listens to the prayers of the flock, but the flock needs to support the church, and she sent him a boatload of money,” said the 61-year-old, who’s been blocked by over 1000 verified Twitter accounts. “Turns out he cheated on his wife with her pilates instructor and they fled to New Zealand when he lost all the tithe money on a faith-based cryptocurrency, but she was convinced.

“The way I see it, God owes us after the Mauer contract.”

Berrios next turn in the rotation is Tuesday versus the National League Wild Card-leading Washington Nationals.

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5 Comments

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Sssuperdave
Sep 06 2019 09:46 AM

As usual, another spot on hilarious piece from randballs stu.

 

I think I agree with Mr. Hanson that Berrios throwing meat is a 911 worthy emergency!

    • Sconnie likes this

Well the preacher kept right on saying that all I had to do was send
Ten dollars to the church of the sacred bleeding heart of Jesus Feliz
Located somewhere in St Cloud Minnesota
And next week they'd say my prayer on the radio
And all my dreams would come true
So I did, the next week, I got a prayer for April/May Jose
Well, you know what kind of curveball he got.

So if you're down on your luck

I know you all can sympathize.

Get a twirler, who makes opposing hitters cry.

    • ashbury, Sconnie and David HK like this

 

Well the preacher kept right on saying that all I had to do was send
Ten dollars to the church of the sacred bleeding heart of Jesus Feliz
Located somewhere in St Cloud Minnesota
And next week they'd say my prayer on the radio
And all my dreams would come true
So I did, the next week, I got a prayer for April/May Jose
Well, you know what kind of curveball he got.

So if you're down on your luck

I know you all can sympathize.

Get a twirler, who makes opposing hitters cry.

Far Away the best post we'll see today.

    • USAFChief likes this

 

Well the preacher kept right on saying that all I had to do was send
Ten dollars to the church of the sacred bleeding heart of Jesus Feliz
Located somewhere in St Cloud Minnesota
And next week they'd say my prayer on the radio
And all my dreams would come true
So I did, the next week, I got a prayer for April/May Jose
Well, you know what kind of curveball he got.

So if you're down on your luck

I know you all can sympathize.

Get a twirler, who makes opposing hitters cry.

Keith?

 

That you?

    • ashbury and USAFChief like this

Keith?

That you?

call me "the Mick."
    • David HK likes this

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