A Twins-Based Manifesto for Self-Improvement in 2021
Image courtesy of © Jordan Johnson-USA TODAY SportsSome might call these New Year's resolutions. I prefer to think of it as one person's manifesto for better fandom in 2021.
I resolve to find the executives who make the decisions to pull Twins (and Wild and Timberwolves) games off the air as they resolve and/or exploit carriage disputes and give them wedgies. Powerful, unrelenting wedgies. The kind you walk funny from for a good day or two. Yes, violence begets violence, but I see no other option.
I resolve to give my calf to Josh Donaldson if he needs it. I’m much older than him, but my calves are in working order. I’ll take his bum one if it’s a one-for-one thing.
I resolve to never take for granted enjoying a beer and a bratwurst at a baseball stadium again.
I resolve to never take for granted finding a bar or taproom before the game starts to save money on the beers and talk to a guy in a Jason Kubel jersey who’s in town from Pipestone or something.
I resolve to find my bone-deep hatred for the Chicago White Sox again. I had my doubts, but the hiring of the galactically unlikeable Tony La Russa will help this so much.
I resolve to not get my hopes up that this will be the season that the Twins will win a playoff game, and instead be pleasantly dumbstruck if and/or when it happens.
I resolve to walk to a St. Paul Saints game and enjoy recognizing the veteran major leaguer rehabbing/hanging on for dear life for the other AAA team. If I’m within eight blocks of, like, Brad Hawpe, I’m not going to miss my shot.
I resolve to not rely on tired tropes about Rocco Baldelli being handsome and Joe Mauer being kind of boring for my Twins Daily content this year. LOL that’s a lie I’m going to beat those dead horses until Bonnes trades me to a Rockies blog for someone who understands xFIP.
I resolve to find the guys who throw back the opposing team’s home run ball rather than give it to a nearby kid and tell them I’m glad their third wife is cheating on them.
Finally, I resolve to start a fruitless and juvenile social media rivalry with one of the local beat writers. Welcome to hell, Dan Hayes.
- ScrapTheNickname, USNMCPO, DocBauer and 4 others like this