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A Twins-Based Manifesto for Self-Improvement in 2021

Regionally liked Twins Daily writer offers his resolutions for the 2021 season.
Image courtesy of © Jordan Johnson-USA TODAY Sports
Some might call these New Year's resolutions. I prefer to think of it as one person's manifesto for better fandom in 2021.

I resolve to find the executives who make the decisions to pull Twins (and Wild and Timberwolves) games off the air as they resolve and/or exploit carriage disputes and give them wedgies. Powerful, unrelenting wedgies. The kind you walk funny from for a good day or two. Yes, violence begets violence, but I see no other option.

I resolve to give my calf to Josh Donaldson if he needs it. I’m much older than him, but my calves are in working order. I’ll take his bum one if it’s a one-for-one thing.

I resolve to never take for granted enjoying a beer and a bratwurst at a baseball stadium again.

I resolve to never take for granted finding a bar or taproom before the game starts to save money on the beers and talk to a guy in a Jason Kubel jersey who’s in town from Pipestone or something.

I resolve to find my bone-deep hatred for the Chicago White Sox again. I had my doubts, but the hiring of the galactically unlikeable Tony La Russa will help this so much.

I resolve to not get my hopes up that this will be the season that the Twins will win a playoff game, and instead be pleasantly dumbstruck if and/or when it happens.

I resolve to walk to a St. Paul Saints game and enjoy recognizing the veteran major leaguer rehabbing/hanging on for dear life for the other AAA team. If I’m within eight blocks of, like, Brad Hawpe, I’m not going to miss my shot.

I resolve to not rely on tired tropes about Rocco Baldelli being handsome and Joe Mauer being kind of boring for my Twins Daily content this year. LOL that’s a lie I’m going to beat those dead horses until Bonnes trades me to a Rockies blog for someone who understands xFIP.

I resolve to find the guys who throw back the opposing team’s home run ball rather than give it to a nearby kid and tell them I’m glad their third wife is cheating on them.

Finally, I resolve to start a fruitless and juvenile social media rivalry with one of the local beat writers. Welcome to hell, Dan Hayes.

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15 Comments

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theBOMisthebomb
Jan 01 2021 08:53 AM

Amen, my brother. These two really struck a chord with me:
I resolve to never take for granted enjoying a beer (Mt. Dew, I don't drink alcohol) and a bratwurst at a baseball stadium again. 
I resolve to find my bone-deep hatred for the Chicago White Sox again... It's been a long time since I "hated" one of the Twins opponents in a baseball game. This might be fun to really fire up the rivalry for the White Sox games in 2021. I wish the Sox nothing but losses and regression during the 2021 season in regard their on field results. LaRussa is the least likable figure in baseball since the time of Barry Bonds.

    • James Rivah Twins Fan, adjacent, TopGunn#22 and 3 others like this
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Tom Froemming
Jan 01 2021 08:59 AM

I can really get behind that White Sox part. I've found them more and more difficult to root against over the past few years, but I'm ready to hate again, lol :)

    • denarded, James Rivah Twins Fan, adjacent and 6 others like this

According to baseballtradevalues.com, your own trade value is such that Bonnes would have to include both Seth Stohs and himself in the deal, just to receive a 7-year old still learning his ABCs as a prospect / lottery ticket from the Rockies in return.

 

Oh and yes, violence begets violence, but also vice versa. That's the paradox people tend to overlook.

    • Seth Stohs, DocBauer, hugelycat and 2 others like this

"I resolve to not get my hopes up that this will be the season that the Twins will win a playoff game, and instead be pleasantly dumbstruck if and/or when it happens."

Ditto for Vikings, Wolves, Wild, and Loons too.

    • Dave The Dastardly likes this
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Dan In Real Life
Jan 01 2021 10:04 AM

 

I can really get behind that White Sox part. I've found them more and more difficult to root against over the past few years, but I'm ready to hate again, lol :)

 

Agreed. It's been fun disliking Cleveland the past few years, but there's nothing like that special hatred for the Sox. I didn't realize how much I missed it until last year. 

    • James Rivah Twins Fan, adjacent and arby58 like this

Being in Chicago, I loathe the White Sox. We need to bring back Hawk Harrelson. YYYessssss! Hell Yessss! 

    • James Rivah Twins Fan likes this
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Nine of twelve
Jan 01 2021 03:47 PM

Concur regarding beer and bratwurst. The Kramarczuk stand at Target Field has been a must-visit for me for a long time.

I confess to being in the minority here in that I don't hate the White Sox. I don't want them to do well, especially against us, but having made many visits to Chicago they are the clear choice for me over the Cubs. I reserve my hatred for the team from the Bronx, whose name must not be spoken.

    • arby58 likes this
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The Wise One
Jan 01 2021 05:54 PM

I resolve to continue to be amused by people having the emotion of hatred for somebody because they play a game

    • yeahyabetcha likes this

 

Being in Chicago, I loathe the White Sox. We need to bring back Hawk Harrelson. YYYessssss! Hell Yessss! 

Dadgummit, I wish I could cuss!

 

    • denarded likes this
Well said! Man I hate the White Sox
    • James Rivah Twins Fan likes this
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James Rivah Twins Fan
Jan 02 2021 08:54 AM

Yep, the White Sox hatred is what resonated the most for me although the Jason Kubel jersey entry was pretty funny. In order to rekindle my long-simmering hatred for the Pale Hosers, all I have had to do for years is to tune into a Hawk Harrelson broadcast (no choice out here on the East Coast when it's a Sirius XM game in Chicago). He's such a homer--it's infuriating. Oh yeah, memories of the AJ Pierzynski/Ozzie Guillen White Sox years has that affect on me too. Blech.

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Dave The Dastardly
Jan 02 2021 11:24 AM

 

Concur regarding beer and bratwurst. The Kramarczuk stand at Target Field has been a must-visit for me for a long time.

I confess to being in the minority here in that I don't hate the White Sox. I don't want them to do well, especially against us, but having made many visits to Chicago they are the clear choice for me over the Cubs. I reserve my hatred for the team from the Bronx, whose name must not be spoken.

I know of which unnamed team you speaketh. May a thousand curses be laid upon them. Despise not a team for the hue of their hosiery, but instead for their hubris.

    • Nine of twelve likes this

I agree to the unlikeablity of LaRussa, but I'll admit to developing a little fear of dem sox.

 

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sampleSizeOfOne
Jan 03 2021 01:13 AM
I resolve to procrastinate smarter, not harder... or is that softer?

I'll get to the other resolutions eventually... before i need to, at least.
    • Dave The Dastardly and Nine of twelve like this
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sampleSizeOfOne
Jan 03 2021 01:20 AM

...

I resolve to not rely on tired tropes about Rocco Baldelli being handsome and Joe Mauer being kind of boring for my Twins Daily content this year. LOL that’s a lie I’m going to beat those dead horses until Bonnes trades me to a Rockies blog for someone who understands xFIP.

...


I resolve to earn my trope for participation!